Original subtitles

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- It's for Nurse Appreciation Week,

so my ideal pi�ata would be a schlubby guy

wearing a shirt that says something like,

"I don't care about nurses."

Out of shape, real whackable face.

He should be, uh, Caucasian.

- We don't have that.

- Well, do you wanna check in the back?

- There's no back.

- I appreciate my nurses.

And if that is a crime, then lock me up.

Put me in a supermax prison.

Do a full cavity search.

The only thing you're gonna find in there

is more nurse appreciation.

So I'm going big this year.

Of course, there's always snags.

[balloon pops] Ah!

We might not do the parody song

due to copyright reasons.

If there's anyone listening from the band Nazareth,

your legal team is insane.

- That's not a pi�ata.

That's for baby showers.

- Well, you might wanna mark that somewhere.

[chuckles]

[upbeat music]

* *

[indistinct chatter]

- Ah, the simple joys of a weekend conference-

no needy patients, no office politics,

just poolside mai tais and basic cable browsing

and maybe a cute dermatologist.

Not looking for anything serious.

Here at the Forest Hill Medical Conference, I am free.

[dull thudding]

- Hey! Lay off, you maniac!

Yeah, this thing's hilarious, but it's also expensive, so...

- What are you doing here? - Surprise!

[chuckles] Can you believe it?

First time ever. Two docs, one conf.

Oh, the mischief we shall make.

So doctors come here from all over for two reasons:

one, to share ideas, resources, and best practices

with other health-care leaders,

and, two, to party freakin' hardy.

Yeah, me and Ron, we're gonna wingman this thing.

We're gonna booze. We're gonna schmooze.

We're gonna spread the news.

[bleep]!

And nobody parties like St. Denis.

What? [chuckles]

Um, but yeah, this is my first conference.

- Abe Lincoln, Amelia Earhart, Michael Jordan,

both B and the original- compared to my nurses,

those people are all losers, dog turds.

That's how great you guys are.

- That's really beautiful, Joyce,

but we should get back to it.

- Good segue.

This week, as always, we will be awarding

our Gentle Heart to the nurse who most exemplifies

our commitment to care.

So get those votes in.

- Can we just save time and give it to Alex?

- What makes you think I'd win?

- You've won all six times it's been given, by a lot.

I count the votes.

- Oh, come on.

It was maybe even seven, but whatever.

- Oh, you're all winners.

And I got you something to show you how much you rock.

- It can't be.

- You rock. - It is!

- [laughs] - Oh.

So this-this is the gift.

- Everybody gets one.

One, you greedy geese.

I know what you're like.

[laughs] Just kidding.

Really appreciate you.

- [groans] - Oh, my God.

- OK, let's just take a look. - What?

A rock, seriously?

- I want those paninis from last year.

Oh, I'm eating bread again.

I was getting too hot, and it was changing my personality.

- [sighs]

- It's the thought that counts, right?

- What was the thought?

- I think it's like, you rock, in, like,

a rock and roll sense.

But let's see what Urban Dictionary has to say.

- Feels strange even saying the word, you know?

"Divorced."

- Well, not to brag, but I am a bit of an expert

when it comes to failed marriages,

so if you need any tips-

[laughter]

Have you tried the restaurant here?

The three Yelp reviews say it's convenient.

- I am all about convenience. - Oh, Ron, Ron.

[snaps fingers] Hey. Saved you a seat.

Come on. - OK, I'll be right there.

- [sighs] - So what were you saying?

- No, gotta come now.

I put my blazer down, but, you know,

some people don't respect that move.

- Oh, I meant to tell you the last time-

- Ma'am, the gentleman's with me.

- Oh. - No, no, he was-

- I'm kidding. - He was kidding.

- OK, we'll connect later.

- There's a party in my suite later, the penthouse.

You gotta come. - OK.

- Who was that? - Dr. Autumn Fenner from Boise.

We talk at these things over the years,

but she's always been married, until now!

- Hmm. She's actually cute.

You should have kept talking to her.

All right, let's go.

- It's my bowels.

They're furious.

- Sorry, ma'am. I know that's really painful.

I'm gonna get you in a private room as soon as one opens, OK?

- There's a righteousness, almost, in the bowels.

- OK, I'm gonna note that.

- Um, Alex, do I have to mark labs "stat"

if they're, uh, for expedited workup?

- I told him he should know by now.

- All ED labs are stat.

But you can give them a heads-up for trauma.

And we are all still learning. - Thanks a lot.

Also, duh, but I'm voting for you for a Gentle Heart.

- Aw. You know what?

I'm voting for you. You've come a long way.

- Wow. Really? That's-that makes my day.

Thanks. - [chuckles]

- He's come a long way?

- Well, you know, he's come a way.

- You got that award in the bag.

You can drop the Mother Teresa routine.

- It's not a routine.

I'm just trying to build up his confidence.

- Uh-huh. - Seriously.

I don't care about some dumb award.

- Uh-huh.

- Would you two shut the [bleep] up?

I am going through something!

- Round two of appreciation is upon us.

I've got 12 kinds of cheesecake here.

And I mean, I'm probably wearing more of it

than I'm gonna be eating, but...

Oh, what-what is this?

Who-did anyone see who-

did you guys who did this?

- Intraoperative bilial tract imaging

is still very much in its infancy.

- Hey, I've been getting the word out about our shindig.

Yeah, did some light flyering in the bathrooms.

Yeah, one lady was weird about it, but...

[exhales sharply] Do you think people will come?

What are you hearing?

- Well, I'm mostly hearing about the future

of gallbladder care.

- Oh, is that what this guy's talking about?

Ugh.

Is it just me, or does he suck? [sighs]

- Well, nobody said Mr. Bean was good at public speaking.

- [chuckles]

Nobody said Mr. Bean was good at public speaking.

[laughter]

- That was my line. - Was it?

Kind of felt like we were building on each other.

- God, I love it here.

.

- That was good. - Yeah.

Well, the guy's real name is Rowan Atkinson,

but not everyone knows that.

It's kind of a mouthful.

I'd say sticking with Bean worked out.

[laughter] I'm glad you enjoyed it.

- It was very funny. - You know what?

You guys should come, uh, to my suite later-

big cocktail soiree.

- Oh, cool. - Uh-huh. We're gonna go nuts.

No men, no women.

Just people, you know?

- I hear something was funny.

- Oh, Louis, you're gonna love this.

This is- - Buckle up.

- Hey, I heard you guys are really enjoying my joke.

Glad to hear it.

- Hmm?

- You know, the, um-

Context is key here.

You gotta put yourself in front of the lecture.

So I'm sitting in the audience, and I say to myself,

this guy looks like Mr. Bean.

[laughs] - Right.

- Oh, you're the fellow I have to thank

for undermining my talk.

- Oh, um, no, he-

um, I-I-I was just kidding around.

I'm very sorry.

- You think my prominent ears

and my larger-than-normal eyeballs

disqualify me from talking about trends

in internal medicine?

- No, I do not. - [scoffs] More like Mr. Mean.

- [snorts] - Excuse me?

- I meant him, Mr. Mean.

- [laughs]

- Right? - OK, now, that is funny.

You could learn a lot from your friend here, mister.

[laughter] - I saw an opening.

I took it. [laughter]

My man, you got me.

- Hey, I heard you're voting for Matt for Gentle Heart.

Bold. - I was gonna say insane.

- Oh, wow, you heard about that.

You know what? I am.

He is, uh, improving,

and he's always really gracious about learning.

- That's so sweet. Maybe I'll vote for him too.

- Sure. Who cares?

- Well, I mean, you just said it was insane, but sure, yeah.

That'll be-that'll be good.

That'll be good- good for him.

- Has a man ever won before? - Nope.

Huh. Never thought of that.

- Kind of messed up.

That's like one of those, um-what do you call it?

- Glass ceilings?

- I'm not sure that that applies here.

- See, that skepticism is what men are up against.

- OK.

You know, Matt has been working really hard and improving.

And I think he deserves recognition for that,

the recognition of a vote- a vote, one.

- [clears throat] I need everyone's attention.

Someone has disrespected me, themselves,

and, quite frankly, all of us

by throwing their appreciation rock into the trash,

the least respected space in all of society.

Anyone wanna take responsibility?

No. What a surprise.

I'm gonna need everybody to bring me their rocks

by the end of the day today.

- Joyce, I doubt whoever did it

was trying to hurt your feelings.

- This was thrown in the trash can

right outside my office.

It was a message.

You know, in a lot of cultures, they throw these at women.

This was essentially thrown at me.

- OK, yeah, it was me.

I threw the rock out

but only because it's a freakin' rock.

Who cares?

And how am I the only person who did that?

- You moved the cup. You set me up to fail.

- Uh-huh. - What? No way.

- I know, right? [chuckles]

- What's going on?

Why are they watching videos of waterslides?

- I spilled the beans on a big surprise.

- Remember when Keith half drowned

at that indoor water park? - Yeah.

- Joyce got them to donate a free weekend

for whoever wins Gentle Heart this year.

- Yes, ma'am.

And all she had to do was promise I wouldn't sue.

Everybody wins, them and Joyce.

- Wait, are you talking about Plunge Planet?

Oh, man, my kids are obsessed.

I've been dying to stay home alone

while Tim takes them there.

- Seems like with the water, it'd just be so slippery.

- Oh, my God. You have to go.

I am telling everyone to vote for you.

- [sighs] All right, well, I have some urine to attend to.

- Oh, he's gonna need a towel. - [giggles]

- Who do you think deserves that weekend more:

you, the best nurse in this hospital,

or that little animated hillbilly?

- Me. Obviously me.

- Thank you.

And can we be done with this false modesty?

Start fighting for this.

- [sighs] You know what?

I will.

Thank you. Thanks for pushing me.

- That's what friends do.

I don't really care who wins,

but I sell cruise packages on the side,

and I think I can talk Matt into one.

It'll be much easier if he's a slide virgin.

[knock at door] - Last name and rock.

- Uh, just wanted to chat real quick.

Are you OK? - Not really.

I spent all weekend at my lake house

collecting and painting rocks.

Plucked them right out of the river.

- Oh.

- Probably destroyed a whole ecosystem,

but it was worth it to me to show the nurses that I care.

- I guess I didn't realize

how much you thought all this through.

- Anyway, what did you wanna talk to me about?

- I...just wanted to see how you're holding up.

[sighs]

- Well, thank you for asking, Serena.

You are the only one who has.

And I've told you how I feel,

but I'm happy to go through it again.

- Once was good. I should get going.

- Oh, I will need to see your rock.

It's just a formality,

but I can't be seen playing favorites...

even though you are my favorite.

- [chuckles]

[indistinct chatter, children yelling]

- [clears throat] Is anyone...

- Please. - Thank you.

Now, I believe we were discussing dinner?

- I believe we-oh! - Hey.

- Gotcha. [laughs]

- Have you lost your mind? - What?

- You brought a squirt gun to a medical conference?

- No.

I brought two squirt guns.

You and me are gonna mess up

those losers from Seattle Children's Hospital.

They're in the business center,

so they are really not gonna see it coming.

[laughs]

- [sighs] She's gone.

- Aw, you don't think she's gonna warn them, do you?

- I have been laying the groundwork

for a decade with Fenner.

Now the ring is off of her finger,

and you done blown up my spot.

- I'm just trying to have a little fun here.

Come on, let's show everybody what Team St. Denis can do.

- We are not a team.

It's just you and me, and you're ruining it for me.

- Take it easy.

The kickback tonight in my suite

is gonna be so transformative,

we're not even gonna remember we argued.

- I'm not coming to your stupid party, you clown.

I never was!

- Yeah!

- Hey, can I borrow one of your rocks?

I put mine in my car, and I don't wanna schlep

back out there just to show Joyce.

- It wouldn't work. She has a system.

- "Processed by Dr. Joyce Henderson."

That seems like a lot.

- Cheesecake for the nurses.

Chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga, cheesecake...

- Ooh!

- Is what I would have said,

but there is a vandal in our midst,

so I'm gonna be eating one of these slices

every 10 minutes until they are revealed.

- But that's so much cheesecake.

- Oh, it's a haunting amount.

And I don't know what it's gonna do to my gird,

but you forced my hand.

Oh, mmm.

10 minutes starts now.

- Does anyone know who threw the rock out?

.

- Do I feel bad about what happened with Bruce?

Not at all.

I got what I wanted.

I'm in my room.

And yeah, the ice machine is too loud,

and this bottom button doesn't work,

so I gotta press the top one, like, 68 times

to get back to "Storage Wars,"

but it's worth it because this is the dream.

[ice machine clattering]

Not again.

[huffs]

You got enough damn ice!

Oh, I'm-I'm sorry.

I-

- There is a bitterness to you, Leonard.

- You can't know that for sure.

- So we have a little bit of an issue.

Turns out that a lot of people

are voting for Matt for Gentle Heart.

- Aw. - You'd think "aw."

But here's the sad part, OK?

I get the sense that a lot of the votes

are, like, sarcastic.

Like, people are like, oh, yeah, Matt's so great,

you know?

It's like bullying votes.

- Matt's getting bullied?

That is sad. - Right?

So let's just make sure that everyone is honoring

the spirit of the awards, you know,

whoever exemplifies commitment to care, like, for real.

- Yeah.

Actually, I was gonna vote for you,

but now I think I should vote for Matt to support him,

you know? - Mm, you know what?

I don't think that I should be interfering

with the democratic process, so whatever your gut says.

Sounds like your gut says me.

- My gut says Matt.

- You said your gut said me.

Get back to work.

- If you'd asked me how many rocks we had out here,

I would have said, hmm, I don't know, a billion?

Turns out, it's zero.

A lot of pebbles, some grass,

a disturbing number of condoms.

Ugh!

No rocks.

- Hey there. What are you up to?

- I need a rock. - Oh, what for?

Construction? Decoration? Fuel?

- It just has to be a rock.

It's this thing for Nurse Appreciation Week.

- Man, I wish there was

a Gift Shop Employee Appreciation Week.

- Yeah, maybe just be happy you haven't been replaced

with an iPad yet.

Oh, sorry.

It's just, you were being really annoying.

- I put these in the planters.

Nice local touch, I thought.

Could have given her one,

but she had to get all political on me.

- * I came to dance, dance, dance *

[knock at door]

[door clicks open]

- Hello!

I used to have a good reputation at this thing.

But now, thanks to Bruce, I'm the jerk

because of Bruce

and me-

well, mostly me.

I heard, uh, somebody's serving up some crow

with a side dish of humble pie.

- There's Brie over there.

- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Has anyone seen Bruce?

[toilet flushes] - Whoo!

All right, let's go!

[belt buckle jingles, zipper scratches]

[laughs] Uh, do not go in there!

Whoo! [laughs] Ace Ventura.

You guys remember?

Um, but seriously, stay out of that bathroom for a little bit.

- How much has he had to drink?

- I think, like, two glasses of white wine.

- What is this? - Bruce.

- Huh?

- Did you have anything to eat today?

- OK, now he's interested in my food intake.

Oh, you took your time.

No, for the record, Ron, I have not had solids in four days.

That's called getting pool ready.

Ooh.

Does that make you feel superior to me?

- I mean, well, kind of. I mean-

- The water guns were a good idea.

We would have creamed those pediatrician nerds.

[exhales sharply]

- [whistling]

- Keith.

Hey, buddy. - Oh.

Hi there, friend. [chuckles]

- Looks like you haven't taken that bad boy to Joyce yet.

- Well, it's a girl.

And no, I've been pretty swamped.

Heading over now.

- Oh, can I see it?

- May I ask why?

- I just need it for a minute.

- Oh.

- Come on, Keith, I need it.

- But this one's mine.

- Keith, give me your rock.

Give it. - Hey! [groans]

- Just let it go, man. - Whoa!

- Hey! - Whoa!

Is he bothering you?

- No, no.

Oh, Keith was just kidding around.

- At a time like this?

OK.

I cannot keep eating cheesecake.

So if someone doesn't come into my office by 5:00 PM today,

the whole week is canceled.

- [gasps]

- OK, Matt, you got this.

Um, Nadine's labs should be back soon,

maybe an hour or two.

Um, so just stay here and squeeze her hand

if her bowels start to seize.

- Copy that. - OK.

- My hands are clammy. That's not an apology.

It's just a fact. - Copy that as well.

- Oh, oh!

- Out of sight, out of mind. Smart.

- Hmm.

I love Matt. He's a great kid.

But I buried him, OK?

And I didn't just do it for me.

I did it for justice and feminism, uh, and my kids-

the whole water park thing, right?

I mean, I did it for a lot of reasons.

[baby crying] - Wow, congratulations!

[indistinct chatter]

- Oh, my God!

- Well, tests came back: not bowel issues.

Turns out, she's pregnant.

- Yeah, I can see that, Val.

- Oh, you sweet boy, you sweet, blessed boy.

I wish there was some way to repay you.

Aw.

- Must be the luckiest nurse around.

Isn't that right, baby Matt?

That's what the mom's calling him.

We'll see if it sticks, but...

it's on the birth certificate, so probably.

[hip-hop music playing]

- Let's get you some water.

- Oh, please.

Drop the act, De Niro.

You don't have to pretend like you-you care about me.

You've made it very clear all day

you couldn't give a [bleep].

- Come on. - No, you come on!

Whatever happened to wingman, huh?

You and me,

kings of the conference, making friends!

- You're hosting a party.

People are here. You're making friends.

- Pfft. Doesn't matter.

You're the only person here who really knows me,

and you think that I'm [bleep].

- I do not think... - Yeah, you do.

- You're [bleep].

- You look down on me like we do with [bleep].

- OK, why don't you-why- why don't you lay down?

- No. Come on. No! Oh! - Oh, hey, hey, hey.

- Lay down, I get it.

You want me to lay down so I'd be even lower

so you can look down on me even more.

No, stop.

You can't do it if I'm, uh, up high.

No, hey! Uh-uh! Out of the way!

Ah, yeah, if I'm on top of this armoire,

you can't look down on me.

Hey, don't watch yet. Don't watch yet.

- Please. What are you doing?

- Ah.

Oh, struck a nerve, have I? - What?

- Here we go. Here we go.

Huh? - Come on, Bruce.

Be careful!

- Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?

- Yeah. I mean, that's why I said it.

- Try looking on me- down on me now!

You can't. I'm the king of the conference.

You wanna dethrone the king?

Well, come at me.

Come at me, and climb up here!

Climb all the way up on- oh, oh!

[crashing]

[crowd gasps]

[groans] That thing was broken.

Ah, this place is cheap.

.

- I just counted the votes.

You and Matt are tied.

- Seriously?

- But you haven't voted yet.

- I specifically told him I would vote for him.

- That's true. - I gave him my word.

[applause] Thanks, guys.

- I voted for you!

- Yeah, same! [laughs]

- Hey, Matt.

You ever slept on a boat?

- You can do that?

- You don't wanna peak too soon.

You gotta stay hungry.

So honestly, Matt, if- if you're watching this ever,

you're welcome.

- Five minutes, you guys.

We're down to, like, two slices.

- Come on. I need the heavy cream!

- I'm gonna look at the ground when I say this

so I don't give away who I think did it.

But I think she should confess.

- Fine.

I don't wanna ruin everyone else's day.

It's time to grow up, act like an adult,

and face Joyce.

[crying] They took my rock and threw it in the garbage.

- [gasps] And this is some kind of nursing gang?

- Uh, maybe. [sniffles]

But they said if you investigate it any further,

they'll do something crazy.

- Well, understood.

I will drop it and never speak of this again.

- Thanks, Joyce.

- You know, it's obvious why this even happened.

The other nurses are jealous of our relationship.

Although a lot of gangs also have a racial component.

- No, I think it was the first thing.

- OK. - They want what we have.

- Why don't you come and pick out a new rock for yourself

at our family's lake house this weekend?

- Oh, OK.

- You're gonna love it up there.

The roads are really windy.

The black flies are ruthless.

But we're gonna cram you so full of taffy,

you're not even gonna notice.

And our plumbing's really delicate, so...

- OK. - Thanks a lot.

- [sighs, groans]

- [speaking indistinctly]

- [sighs]

- Sometimes you don't get the conference you want.

You get the conference you need.

I got neither.

But what I did get is a glimpse of Bruce

that I've never seen around the hospital.

You know, beneath all of his cockiness and bravado,

he's just a guy who's-

how do I say this gently-

looking for his tribe.

- Ron is lonely.

And he struck out with Fenner hard.

I helped him lick his wounds. - [snoring]

- I mean, he kind of sucked up all the air, ruined my weekend,

but happy to do it.

- Did you look at this bill?

How many Caesar salads did you order?

- Um-

- You're splitting these incidentals.

[bell clangs]

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