Original subtitles

I am a dirty, Filthy fur wearer.

I am a teen cruella de vil,

And I've got to pay!

[hissing]

What's the "M" stand for?

"M" is for murder, keisha.

Gotta catch them While they're young.

Kids, before we say good-bye To our special tiny tots guest,

Let's all wish her well on her Trip to washington next week,

Where she'll be honored As student activist of the year.

All right,

We have time for one final Question before nap time.

Lily, what are The qualifications

To become a bad-ass animal Rights lady like yourself?

Thanks for asking, keisha.

Just be very tough

And obnoxiously strident.

That is the only way To make it as an activist.

Take, for example, my work With eco-lobster relief.

It all began One afternoon a year ago,

When I was blinded By a heinous injustice.

I had stopped by a restaurant called croutons

to suggest a savory alternative menu

for national sprouts day,

when I first spied the prisoner of my heart.

li'l eddie, the lobster.

How long Has this poor creature

Been cooped inside This plexiglas prison?

Five years.

No one want. He got The bum right claw.

This lobster is a gimp.

How much to buy him

And set him free In his natural maine waters?

For you,

Girl with hair The color of mud,

Five thousand dollars.

What? That's highway robbery!

Lobster gimp drain money From caesar croutons.

I built the aquarium.

I paid for the lobster Poop filter.

And all for what?

The star Of my seafood buffet

Is a washout.

You want? You pay what I paid.

Good day,

Mud hair.

Don't worry, li'l eddie.

I will set you free If it is the last thing I do.

Lobsters have claws And a tough shell--

Tougher than My grandmama's elbows.

Can't they fend for themselves?

Well, you know, kids,

It's funny how sometimes

Creatures with The hardest exteriors

Have the softest insides.

Lobsters are like that.

Inside their tough shell

Is a nervous system ten times As sensitive as human being's.

When lobsters Are cruelly boiled alive,

Their supersonic screams of pain

Are so gut-wrenching that dogs Within a one-mile radius

Will often begin whimpering.

Lord, will little eddie Be boiled alive?

I am proud to say no.

I have purchased Li'l eddie.

I will be going to croutons This very evening

To express mail him back To his lobster family in maine.

[mary] Hi, hon!

♪♪ ["Rock lobster" plays]

Nooo!

♪ think it over once or twice ♪

♪ what lasts the longest in this life ♪

♪ character or rock-hard thighs ♪

♪ in the end do you believe ♪

♪ that beauty lies in what you see ♪

♪ 'cause if you do, then, baby ♪

♪ you've been deceived ♪

♪ well, me and b ♪

♪ we hate supermodels ♪

♪ it's just that I'm tired of being compared ♪

[miss glass] Well, my bio-lings, as always

This year's crop of term papers On my fave topic,

Natural selection, Has brought a tear to my eye.

First, I cried because

After reading Most of your numbing prose,

It was obvious We need to have a bake sale

So this school's special ed Program can be expanded.

[laughing]

Then, I came upon A report so miraculous,

It turned my tears of sorrow Into joyous saline.

Ms. Mcqueen. Impressive as always.

As you know, I'm a fan of leather.

Congrats. Thank you.

Oh. And, mcpherson.

Just a hint, polly pigpen.

Don't use your schoolwork As a napkin.

[scoffs] That's not good.

Shrimp? An "F"?

This is an outrage!

A ten-page, Single-spaced diatribe

Entitled "Mary cherry must die,"

While amusing, just gets you A big ol' case of the flunks.

Cherry!

Get off that phone!

Everybody else,

Eyes on my handout On the origin of blockheads!

Well, guess who That was, li'l lily.

Shut up.

Caesar croutons himself.

He's got a new lobster Coming in today.

Its destination, my gullet!

You wouldn't dare,

Mary cherry!

There's not a crustacean Safe in this state

From my retribution-seeking Mandibles.

Li'l eddie's successor,

His sister, li'l babe, is mine.

And soon she, too,

Will be swimming In my potent stomach acid.

In short, li'l lily,

Eat me!

Believe me,

If I wasn't a vegetarian, Mary cherry,

I would.

Li'l lily! Oh, please!

Ice chips!

[screaming]

[bell rings]

Wait. You are admitting to me

That the only reason Brooke got a higher grade

On our natural Selection reports

Is because her paper Was packaged better.

Are you taping me?

No.

In that case, yes, I admit it.

That's what I suspected.

That is not... Fair?

Ms. Mcpherson, let's review the Definition of natural selection.

Natural selection is about Survival of the fittest.

No. It's about survival Of the prettiest.

Ms. Mcqueen's presentation Fit right into that theory.

At one point, I sat

On her leather-encased report

And pretended I was driving a lexus.

Miss glass, I worked For two weeks on that paper.

I needed an "A" To raise my g.P.A. My paper was good.

Don't get tough With me, miss.

That's not How we survive in bio.

Incidentally,

How about those highlights Of ms. Mcqueen's, hmm?

Stunning.

While we're on the topic Of hair, ms. Mcrat's nest,

May I tell you That the messy braids

And the drab coffee color

You've been sporting On your noggin this year

Not only detract From your looks,

But might force me To knock your current "B" grade

Down to a "C."

That is just wrong.

No. That's natural selection.

[bell rings]

Ahem. Principal hall?

You wanted to see me?

Oh, yes. Come in, harrison.

Meet kennedy high's New foreign exchange student,

Exquisite woo.

Exquisite,

This is harrison john.

[speaking chinese]

[chinese]

Harrison, Sit down, please.

In reviewing your file,

I feel here

That your father Worked overseas in china?

Yeah. I was raised In beijing till I was four.

He ran A radio shack there.

Harrison, I need a translator,

Somebody to take her and Introduce her to our students

And to help her adapt To our craven american culture.

Are you game?

[speaking chinese]

Baby blonde, beach blonde, Platinum blonde.

Sam?

Why are you going blonde?

Because I'm worth it.

Okay. She is definitely Having a breakdown.

Yeah. There's a bad case Of that going around.

I like the way you look. Miss glass doesn't.

She told me to get A better grade, lighten my hair.

Brunettes Are second-class citizens.

By dyeing my hair, I'm gonna prove brooke Wins at everything

Only because Of her golden tresses.

Her power Is strictly presentational.

Wait. What does she win?

Better grades.

Boyfriends.

She gets more meat.

bio isn't the only place I suffer for my brownness.

no. Mealtime rolls around,

and brooke always gets the bigger pork chop.

miss glass is right.

natural selection is about survival of the prettiest.

brooke and mike's blonde hair,

I swear to god, it practically vibrates

under that track lighting.

next to them, I am a shadow in the shadows.

blonde hair serves as an unfair magnet, attracting attention,

confusing the populus from what really matters.

my mother, my own flesh and blood,

gives up the better meat every night to those blondes,

her subconscious hoodwinked like the rest of society.

I deserve to taste The big meat of life.

I am not gonna let my faulty dna Determine my destiny.

Sammie, you're right.

Looking back,

It all makes perfect sense.

Nooo!

Mud hair!

Shut-a your mouth. You disturb All of my good customers.

Caesar croutons, How could you let this happen?

I paid in cash $5,000 For li'l eddie!

Oh, sorry. I forget.

Pretty lady mary cherry make Good offer, confusing caesar.

How much did she pay?

Five dollars.

Which is four dollars too much For this stringy gimp.

So pretty.

So pretty like the sun.

Ooh!

[screaming]

I thought it was li'l eddie's death that pushed me to the brink of sanity.

If I was blonde,

I could've saved Li'l eddie's life.

Yes! This whole theory about

Blonde brainwashing-slash- Superiority makes sense.

I mean, think about it.

Who are the two biggest sex Icons of the past century?

Marilyn and madonna,

Both of whom Only achieved success After changing their hair color

From mousy brown, like mine,

To platinum, like nicole.

In this culture, Blonde equals sex,

And sex equals power.

And at this school, Nicole has 'em both in spades.

[♪♪ rock]

maybe if I went blonde and created an unnatural spotlight,

I'd attract the power, too.

I'd be... Popular.

Popular.

If I go blonde,

I know I'll get a better grade In miss glass's class.

And I know I'll get more meat.

I lost my $5,000 Li'l eddie money

To pay for damages I caused in croutons.

If I go blonde,

I bet I can get li'l babe For next to nothing.

If I go blonde, Maybe nobody will pick on me.

And then I'll have the power,

Like madonna.

♪ she's got herself a universe gone quickly ♪

♪ for the call of thunder ♪

♪ threatens everyone ♪

♪ and I feel ♪

♪ quicker than a ray of light ♪

Yes.

Oh, yes!

Yes.

Yes.

Yes!

Yes.

Hope you guys don't mind me

Inviting the exchange student To lunch.

I think she's the sweetest,

Prettiest girl I've ever seen.

Good luck, bro.

Well, that was sarcastic.

Which I enjoy.

What are you implying With that tone?

What he's implying is,

"Don't get your hopes up. She's mine for the taking."

I wasn't implying You shouldn't go for her.

Whatever. She'll go for you Like every girl does.

Not every girl. Right?

You slay me, brooke. Really.

Lovers' quarrel. Take 152. And action!

I admit it. I've been thinking About asking exquisite out.

And, yes, I think My looks could help.

You use your looks To get stuff all the time. At least I'm being honest.

That's natural selection. Everybody gets a's If you're blonde.

Come on, now. Movin' on.

Hey, everybody.

This is exquisite woo.

Let's get one thing straight, China girl.

The only thing exquisite At this school is my ass.

[nicole] Enough already. Let's get this over with.

Harrison, geek boy translator, Would you ask exquisite woo-hoo

If she'd like To go out with josh?

[harrison speaks chinese]

[speaking chinese]

Really? She politely

Declines the invitation.

She says she'd actually like To go out with sugar here.

She said she senses big sugar's Heart as big as his waist.

She's intrigued.

Sorry.

Oh, my god. Girls, look.

Thank you.

Okay, what's up With the jean harlow heads?

Nothing, brooke. Just proving a point.

That going blonde makes you Even more unattractive?

Point proven.

[carmen] No. We're proving That we can take your power,

Your men,

Your grades,

And your lobsters

By simply matching Your whorish hair color.

Our popularity Is not based on looks.

Okay? We happen to have Good personalities.

We could turn our hair That hideous shade of early Barbra streisand brown,

And we'd still rule This school.

'cause we're witty,

We're smart,

And we've got asses that rock!

Prove it. Fine. We will.

To sweeten the bet, we're gonna Add this touch of nutrasweet.

If, as browns, we still rule This school on friday,

Then you unpopular hags Have to get mohawks.

And, if we have the power On friday as the blondes,

And you browns Lose your social footing,

Then you have To get the mohawks.

Done!

Oh! You know,

Even with hair the color Of dung, I still look hot.

Even with hair The color of dung,

I'm still The same person On the inside.

[imitating barbra streisand] Hello, gorgeous.

Oh, my god, y'all.

With my newly brown tresses,

I feel and look shockingly like

The talented Miss barbra streisand In her funny girl phase.

Yeah, a cheerleader, but what I really wanna do is direct.

♪ I'm the greatest star who ever... ♪

Maybe we're A little different brown,

And possibly barbra-possessed, But we're still us.

Put us in dark or light Meat boxes at kfc,

And the crowds would nibble us To the bone on an equal scale.

Now, we're gonna go out Into those halls that we own

And be worshipped, per usual, As the goddesses we are.

[speaking chinese]

Do you have any idea What she's saying?

Not a clue. But I like that we have to Communicate with our souls.

Sam, you don't know How lucky I am to have A girl like her.

I think I'm falling in love.

Good for you, s.D.

It couldn't happen To a more deserving guy.

By the way, I like your blonde hair.

Thank you. It looks silky to the touch.

May I? Yeah.

So, what do you think?

I look like Jim jarmusch, don't I?

No. You look fine.

I mean, you look fine. Why did... Did I do this?

Why do you think? Solidarity. Duh!

Gotta get to class.

Catch you later.

[nicole] Hold your head high, girls.

We own this school, Even as browns.

[booing]

My god, y'all. They're dissing us!

Why aren't they Recognizing us?

I loved you in yentl.

Oh, my god.

We're gonna have to get mohawks.

I'm freakin' finished.

In losing my blondeness, I've lost my power.

The only thing That could possibly bolster My flagging brunette spirits

At this time of crisis

Is to make li'l lily weep By eating li'l babe!

Let's go to croutons.

Forget about croutons. Where's my oscar For the prince of tides?

Where have I gone?

I'm so glad that there's At least one person

Who hasn't been corrupted By the rules of western Natural selection.

Exquisite and I Are both firm believers

In looking beyond A person's shell.

You know, You look okay as a blonde.

Shut up.

What?

Nic, as soon as you get A little warm lobster in you,

You'll see the world from A whole different perspective.

[mary gasps]

How much you pay For that lobster, elf?

Three dollars, mary cherry.

And caesar threw in An ambrosia salad to boot.

Looks like someone's Power base is slippin', brownie!

Caesar croutons, I will pay

For li'l babe...

One million dollars!

Your performance in nuts Give caesar croutons

A nightmare to this very day.

Your money no good here, Barbra streisand!

Caesar, it is me. It's mary cherry. Remember?

Ohh. Okay.

You hand me over Million dollars,

And you get to eat Gimp lobster's sister.

Wait. That's not fair.

We are doing an experiment On natural selection.

You cannot buy victories.

Lily's got a point.

And, you guys, Come on.

We can win Without financial bribery.

Hon, update for ya.

As brunettes, Our only power is money.

Girls, you do experiment About natural selection?

Caesar has an idea

On how to prove True superiority.

Disco bowling?

You want us to prove

Our natural selection Superiority through Disco bowling?

Yes, and the winning Disco bowl team

Gets li'l babe Instead of a trophy.

No. I went blonde. You sold me li'l babe For next to nothing.

My point has been proven. I'm gonna take li'l babe.

No, you won't!

Caesar owns allstar bowl.

It's teetering on bankruptcy.

Fickle teens no show up.

It-a needs publicity!

You bowl

For little babe,

Or little babe Will rest in peace

In barbra streisand's stomach.

Ah-huh!

[jane] It's really true what they say.

I really am having more fun.

Jane, why did you Color your hair?

Oh, well, um, I just wanted a change.

You know, sam did it, And she looks so spunky.

I thought, you know, What the hell!

And I like it! I mean, I feel...

Liberated?

Freed from the shackles Of dour intellectualism?

Dumb as a box of rocks?

Yes.

[footsteps]

Hey.

Dad, what is up With the do?

What? Oh, my hair.

I just thought I would try to live life From a latin perspective.

[chuckles]

Okay, I dyed my hair.

I'm up for a promotion at work Against a 25-year-old,

And this morning I found my first gray hair.

I just thought that

Masking my age Would even the playing field.

Uh, brooke, About tomorrow's bowl-off.

You guys are bowling?

Are you aware That carmen--

The blonde, sexy, Powerful carmen--

Was captain of Her junior high bowling team?

Oh. Almost forgot the chops.

Hmm.

Carmen has bowling experience?

Well, that's great.

'cause we're gonna have To get freakin' mohawks!

Hold up, nic. I will not accept the fact

That being blonde Automatically makes it Smooth sailing for a person.

Brooke, you yourself Told us that

Spam as a blonde Got the bigger chop last night.

We are losing it on every level. Just face it.

Wait. That's it. It just all came Rushing back to me.

I know just the semipro bowler That can save us.

Absolutely not.

Ladies, there is No way in hell

I would ever cross The student/teacher Fraternization line.

I'm too smart To become pamela smart.

Well, all right, then. Thank you, sir.

[whispers] Crap.

Oh, just one more thing, Miss glass.

What cherry?

When we lose the bet, Li'l lily

Won't just stop At lobster salvation.

Oh, no!

Croutons will become Horrifyingly shellfish-free.

Your weekly feastin' On croutons'

Delicious fuita di la mare Platter will be but a memory.

Just thought you should know.

Girls! Wait a minute. Count me in!

Oh, my god.

Li'l babe's gonna die Because of my atrocious bowling.

Help. Here's the problem With your bowling.

You're just too rigid. Return.

But that's the trait

That informs my activism And my personality.

Yeah. But in the world Of competitive bowling,

That doesn't work.

Look. Bowling Is about vulnerability.

It's the only way to win. You gotta let go. Here.

Now, remember. The ball Can't soar if you don't.

Okay.

Let go. Be vulnerable.

[carmen] Oh, my god. Li'l babe's gonna die.

Man!

We'll work on that.

F.Y.I., li'l lily:

Vis-a-vis our upcoming Bowling competition,

We now have muscle Behind our balls, tiny dancer.

Miss glass, who also Despises you, has agreed To bowl for the browns.

And so has sugar daddy, Whose dna is tainted

With white trash Bowling prowess.

You'll never save Li'l babe now.

She's mine.

Okay, look... Shut up, suffragette.

Since most of you flunked your Reports on natural selection,

I've decided To earn points in heaven

By allowing all of you Another try on the same topic.

[brooke clears throat] Switch to decaf, brooke.

Or are you abuzz About finding out your new Naturally selected grade?

I would jump at the chance To go from an "A" to an a+.

I pulled an all-nighter Last night.

I didn't even get it Gussied up in a special binder.

Not that I needed it.

Disappointed in you, mcqueen.

[brooke scoffs] A "D"?

Or should I say "Mcbrown"?

Brilliant work, mcpherson.

Enjoyed it.

Miss glass, may I point Something out to you, sir?

Even though My presentation is stunning,

These pages are blank.

I didn't have time To do the report

Because I was too busy Blowing my hair straight.

Oh. Missed that.

Enjoy the "A."

But... But...

Oh. Blondes Do have more fun.

[people oohing and aahing]

[wolf whistle]

I think it's appalling the way Exquisite flirts with you.

What?

She doesn't like me at all.

Yeah? But you do, Don't you?

Let's say exquisite and I Did have a love connection. Wouldn't you be happy for me?

Didn't you Just tell me yesterday

That you admired Exquisite's ability To look beyond appearances?

Um... Yeah. Yeah. See you at bowling.

[speaking chinese]

I can't believe this! Can't you get your own girl?

Did you dye your hair

Because she thought It was exotic, or sexy?

Sugar, chill out, man.

You are completely Misunderstanding This entire situation.

For the first time I felt okay about myself

Because somebody Felt good about me.

I'm done with this.

I'm done with her, And I'm done with you.

I may not be able To compete in your Natural selection presentation,

But I can flatten Your blonde ass!

Translate this!

For the first time,

You made me feel hope.

Runaway girl. Why'd you tease me that way?

[speaking chinese]

No.

[speaking chinese]

[toilet flushing]

Li'l babe?

Nice to meet you, lily.

Oh, my god. Li'l babe, What are you doing here?

I came to talk to you, honey,

To warn you Before it's too late.

Don't worry. I'm practicing My bowling. I'm gonna save you.

Actually, honey,

The one you need to save Is yourself.

You're just like me. You know.

Hard on the outside And soft in the middle.

You put up Such a shell, honey.

I know you're hurt

'cause you're confused About your sexual identity

And don't wanna be alone.

I know you're hurt

'cause you feel You're not quite...

Pretty enough to compete.

But you are pretty.

Inside, lily, Where it counts.

But if you don't Take off your shell,

Nobody can see The blonde that's within.

Can they?

I wanna live, lily.

But I want you to live, too.

[♪♪ disco]

Look, sug, I know you got a bad case Of the exquisite blues,

But you gotta Snap out of it, bro.

We gotta beat these chicks, Or we're gonna be hangin' out With girls with mohawks.

That's just not right.

Sorry, bro,

But the sugar's not sprinkling On the bowling lanes tonight.

What was that, sugar?

You better bowl.

Next to miss glass, You're our only hope.

So you stand up, Have some ding dongs, And get your bowl on.

I don't think I could put my heart into it.

Why are you Wearing evening gowns?

Wearin' holiday Collection mackie's

Will give us A competitive edge.

Yeah, the sequins attract The light. Got it?

The light that Our flaxen hair Used to provide.

Well, good lord, brooky. You're whiter than usual, hon.

Either you saw a ghost, Or you got a "D."

I did. Today, in bio, And I didn't deserve that grade.

Which makes me Think that maybe

I didn't deserve That first "A" I got.

Yeah, hon, feel your pain.

Buck up, 'cause we're bowling For mohawks here, all right?

Sugar, I'm really sorry About exquisite.

Those blonde bitches Ruin everything.

Mm. Speak of the devils.

You think it'd be All right if I had a drink In front of the kids?

For me, bowling And beer go together.

Are you on edge 'cause you're worried About your promotion?

What? No. What, With hair like this?

I'm a shoo-in.

Okay, have a beer. But don't you go crazy.

Get one for me, too, please. Okay.

Make that three.

[♪♪ disco]

[microphone feedback]

All right, teens.

Welcome to caesar croutons'

Allstar bowl!

[crowd cheering] Tonight's publicity attraction,

The browns

Versus the blondes

In a showdown

Of natural selection.

Whoo!

Let's bowl and disco!

Welcome back To the end portion Of what is so far

A tie game between The browns and the blondes.

The pressure is certainly on For carmen ferrara,

Isn't it, Caesar croutons?

It certainly is, Vice principal calvin krupps.

[croutons] Let's see if carmen, a libra,

Can clean up that spare.

[cheering]

[krupps] She's done it, As she's done it all night For her blonde team.

Next up for the browns, Miss brooke mcqueen.

[croutons] A cheerleader. A homecoming queen.

But all that may end Now that brooke is a brunette.

[krupps] A strike Is unlikely based on Her thin, delicate wrist.

But if that goal Is miraculously attained,

Brooke would tie Her team with the blondes.

[croutons] And we have a tie With two left to bowl.

The final bowler For the blondes

Is... Lily.

[krupps] Lily is The worst bowler alive.

She hasn't nailed A single pin all night.

An embarrassment For herself and the blondes,

Wouldn't you say, caesar?

Yes, but let's see. How she does.

[krupps] Ah, yes, yes, yes. What a surprise.

And she has One more time up at that.

You can do it. Relax. Relax.

[carmen] Shake it off. There you go.

This is her final bowl.

This is her moment.

Bowling Is about vulnerability.

It's the only way to win. You just gotta let go.

But if you don't Take off your shell,

Nobody can see The blonde within.

The ball can't soar If you don't.

[blondes groaning]

Our last bowler Scheduled for tonight

Was to be ace bowler Bobbi glass.

But word has just reached us That miss glass,

Cursed with a bad case Of the boogies,

Has collapsed from dehydration

And is trying To seek medical treatment.

In-a the face Of this disco bowling tragedy

Comes a new final bowler.

Sugar daddy bernardino.

[krupps] Although hailed As an expert bowler,

Sugar has tanked Here tonight,

Rolling a total Of only nine pins.

But all he needs For a brown victory

Is to knock over one pin And break the tie.

Can he do it? Does he have the right stuff?

Let's watch.

[krupps] And there goes Sugar daddy bernardino,

Not the first bowler To snap from the pressure Of this stressful game.

One now has to wonder, Caesar croutons,

Does the victory Go by default to the blondes?

Sugar.

What, scrub?

Take your woman And go back inside.

You are so wrong About exquisite.

I know it looks weird, Because with blonde hair,

I'm suddenly hot.

But she doesn't dig me. She digs you.

If it's the truth, why doesn't Exquisite tell me herself.

I'll tell you why.

Because you cannot Translate a lie!

Sugar, exquisite Has been working

On mastering Her first english phrase.

She want to know If you'll please listen.

Big sugar, I very sad.

I know now why you Ignore me in school.

It's because I'm not like blonde girl Like those you hang with.

What?

That's crazy.

Though I not A natural selection beauty,

My heart very pretty With caring for you.

You the real deal, guy.

Exquisite love sugar.

Love sugar long time.

Sugar is back And ready to bowl.

One pin is all he needs, Ladies and gentlemen.

One pin to taste That sweet bowling victory.

[krupps] And he's done it! Unbelievable!

All my theories Are a bust.

The universe Makes no sense.

Now I have to get A mohawk,

And li'l babe Will be boiled and eaten.

My god. My life Could not get any worse.

Jane mcpherson,

C-can you hear me?

'cause I have to come clean With you, jane.

And you, sam. And brooke.

Now, I told you That I didn't know

Whether or not I had gotten the promotion.

But actually, I found out About it just before We came here tonight.

I was passed over.

Because of a bad dye job.

[mike chuckles]

But strangely, It was coming here tonight

That put a perspective On it for me.

It's family that matters. It's not ambition, And it's not hair.

Although, boy, jane, you Sure do look good as a blonde.

[wolf whistle]

Marry me in three weeks.

Let's just do it

And officially merge These two households.

Will you have me?

Yes.

Yes! I'll marry you In three weeks!

Correction. My life Did just get worse.

Let's disco!

You know, sam,

Good for you for going back To your natural brunette color.

I like it.

I guess tonight's Bowling victory

Proved that It really is character

And a winning spirit That determine our fate, Not our hair color.

I was wrong. No, you weren't.

You were on to something About our school,

And, I hate to say it, Our society.

In fairy tales, Blondes always get the edge.

Cinderella, rapunzel, Sleeping beauty.

And I think the same thing Happens to me

Just because Of the way I look, Which I don't like.

So, you're staying brunette For a while? What, are you crazy?

So, look,

About this upcoming wedding.

Yeah. There is no way I am Legally becoming your sister.

So, we have three weeks To stop it, break them up,

And get out of Each other's lives for good.

Three weeks and counting.

You look weird.

All right, tiny dancer.

Your ten minutes Of good-bye are up.

Hand over my tasty, Delicious prize.

[sniffling] Good-bye, li'l baby.

I'm sorry. Yeah, well, You should be.

Your bowling skills Are atrocious.

I'm not sorry I'm a bad bowler.

I'm sorry for the way I treated you, mary cherry.

Is this a trick? You trying to butter me up?

'cause now that I'm blonde again And glamorously hard as nails,

I won't be falling For your sob story, sid vicious.

All right, I give. Why are you sorry?

I'm sorry...

Because it's my hard shell,

My armor that's responsible For li'l babe's death,

Not you.

You're stupid and blonde, And you don't know any better.

Go on. I'm listening.

If I had just

Dropped the hard-ass, "Don't eat lobster, It's bad" routine

And just taken the time To explain to you,

Calmly and rationally,

Why eating something With a mother

Is outdated and wrong,

Maybe you would have Helped me save li'l babe,

Instead of cook her.

Lily, that's just so true.

Huh. It's funny how,

Now that I took off My shell in front of you

And allowed myself To be vulnerable,

For the first time In a long time, I don't feel that way.

Lily, I proclaim you my friend,

My ally against extinction.

The bet's off. Li'l babe shall live.

Are you serious? Oh, my god.

Mary cherry, thank you.

Thank you so much. Thank you. You're welcome.

Oh. Funny how A little lobster Could weigh so much.

Yeah. She's about A brick's worth.

Have you said Your good-byes?

Yeah.

Go out to that hall phone, Call fedex,

And let's ship her back To her natural maine waters.

Okay. Okay? Oh.

I'll seal her up For her journey,

And then we'll Go out for tofu.

Okay?

Now, don't try To kiss me

Just 'cause you're all Mushy now, li'l lily.

Okay. I'll see you out there.

Okay. Bye.

What a sucker that li'l lily is.

Tofu, my ass that rocks!

Lobster's what I crave,

And after brushing up On my acting skills just now,

Lobster is what I'm gonna have.

Oh. And you know what?

Li'l babe,

Know two things Before you meet your maker.

I hated the prince of tides,

And us blondes always win.

Always.

♪♪ ["Rock lobster" plays]

Oh. Well, my, my. I see rigor mortis has set in.

Ooh, that's gotta hurt, Li'l babe.

Bye-bye.

♪ to bend and not to break ♪

♪ chin up, try not to quake ♪

♪ I'm grinning on the outside ♪

♪ but I'm a wreck internally ♪

♪ ooh, la la la la ♪

♪ ooh, la la la la ♪