All language subtitles for Popular (1999) - S01E13 - Hope in a Jar (480p DVD x265 Panda)_track4_[eng]

Hey. Welcome back
To the "Mating game,"

Where every day's
Sadie hawkins day.

Woo-hoo-hoo!

You ready, miss sweet thang?

Yes, I am. Okay.
Bachelor number one.

You're placing a personal ad.

How would you
Advertise yourself?

First of all, I don't need
To place a personal ad.

But if I did,
I'd say available,

One lean, mean, love machine.

Invest in ceiling mirrors
And high wattage bulbs

'cause you're gonna wanna
Keep the lights on, baby.

[applause]
Okay.

Bachelor number two.

I saw shakey in love.
I groove on the idea
Of going out with the bard.

Smooth.

Can you write me
A love poem on the spot?

Your lips are red,

Your eyes are blue,

All I wanna do is look at you.

Okay. What if my lips weren't
Red and my eyes weren't blue?

I'd still love you.

And a do-be-do-do.

Okay. Bachelor number three.

We're trapped
In a roadside motel

During a blizzard
One night.

There's only one room
And only one bed.

So we snuggle up under
The covers to get warm.

And then what happens?

We talk.

[audience booing]

Just talk?

At first.

At night,
When the lights are out,

People tell each other things

They'd never tell each other
During the day.

I'd wanna hear about everything.

About your childhood,

Your favorite color,

What you want from a man,

What you want from life.

Bachelor number three,
What I want is a man like you.

[man] Seven million colors

makes them sitting ducks
for predators.

nature has made these males
attractive to females,

who consider their fiery
plumage a sign of health.

have I just been going
for fiery plumage?

I have.

my priorities are whacked.

I've been judging guys
on the very criteria

I'm terrified
of being held up to.

okay. That's it.

starting today,
I am on a manhunt

and I'm taking looks
out of the equation.

"Act fast. Limited time offer.

ask me to
the sadie hawkins dance.

love, stone cold schoefer,

the hottie in
the green sweater."

hey, ass in the green sweater,
keep dreaming, dude.

she's gonna make me wait.
but she'll ask me.

wait. Why am I dreamin'?

stone cold is hotter than me.

wait. That sounds sorta gay.

[sam] Josh is available now.

he probably likes big breasts,
though. Don't all guys?

am I dreaming to think josh

would consider going
to the dance with me?

on the other hand,
josh might be tired

of getting hip-boned
with every hug

and want a little cushion
for his pushin'.

there are about
600 guys in this school.

josh is out of the picture.

three guys
are out of the closet.

so that makes the chances

of brooke asking me 596 to 1.

the odds get even longer
when you consider the fact

that I have the body
of a tibetan monk.

- I hate my body.
- I hate my body.

- I hate my body.
- I hate my body.

[all]
I hate my body.

♪ think it over once or twice ♪

♪ what lasts
the longest in this life ♪

♪ character
or rock-hard thighs ♪

♪ in the end do you believe ♪

♪ that beauty lies
in what you see ♪

♪ 'cause if you do,
then, baby ♪

♪ you've been deceived ♪

♪ well, me and b ♪

♪ we hate supermodels ♪

♪ it's just that I'm tired
of being compared ♪

You wanna be on the wrestling
Team, drop five pounds. Next!

Yo, baby. Here's the 411.

Change that spare tire.

You're six pounds
Over your weight limit.

Not only that, sugar.
Look at my six-pack
Or what's left of it.

Brooke once told me
She loved my stomach.

Did I ever tell you that?

She told me that if her
Maytag ever broke down,

She wasn't worried,

'cause she could just wash
Her unmentionables on my abs.

Listen. What goes up,
Must come down.

I'm gonna hook us
Both up, bro.

I'm on this new
Weight-loss plan.

I will be back
On the wrestling team

And have a woman by the end
Of the semester. Word.

With what?

It's called the mummy.
It's a wrap-and-sweat system

Where you get tight
In cellophane

And you just watch yourself
Dissolve like a sweet tart.

The excess water drains
In these ziploc baggies

Strapped to your wrist.

Just eat less
And exercise more.

Get serious, g.
I've lost a pound and a half
After a month on the mummy.

Ninety-eight more pounds,
I'm back on the mat.

Cool. All right.

Next.

Damn, fat albert.
Lay off the sara lee's.

The teenage years

Are indeed a time
Of exploration, of questioning.

What are you talking about?

You were gazing at
Josh ford's bod, man.

No sweat. I have
A fourth male cousin

Who enjoys coupling
With other men as well.

I'm down with it.

I don't wanna do him.
I wanna be him.

No. Correction. I want his abs.

How many hours do you think he
Spends working out at the gym?

I could lift anvils for years
And not look like that.

I'm genetically doomed.

It's difficult, isn't it?
Girls think they have it so bad.

Please. Ever since
gq magazine and the late '80s
Age of vanity dawned,

Being a male and living up
To that muscle beach standard

Has become
A societal hazing ritual

For male tots and boys alike.

Totally.

And being so skinny
And hairless,

Lacking any defining male
Characteristic of hunkdom...

I pity you, man.

A real gi joe

Would have shoulders
As wide as a refrigerator,

A waist as small
As a coffee grinder

And biceps three times
Bigger than mark mcgwire's.

Now, that would be a freak show.

Likewise, a real barbie
Would have an 18-inch waist

And literally topple over

From the weight of her
Protruding cans.

[laughing]

You think that's funny?

Let's talk
About the effects

Of these unrealistic
Standards of beauty.

Girls are choosing to live

Like cancer patients
Undergoing chemotherapy.

Vomiting two
Or three times a day.

Trying to measure up
To vogue's idea of beauty.

The patriarchy wants us
To keep our minds busy thinking
About our bodies.

But... We can
Reclaim our power.

This week, for example,
Is the sadie hawkins dance.

I love sadie hawkins.

I live for sadie hawkins.

I named my pug sadie hawkins.

Because, for once,
Girls don't have to sit around

Waiting for boys to choose them.

Now, sadie,

Our dogface diana,

May have been symmetrically
Challenged, but...

She knew she deserved love
And she went after it.

And she got it.

So, people, today I leave you
Not with a pile of homework,

But with a thought to ponder.

Why is it only the beautiful

Are invited
To the dance of life?

When we know that all
God's children gotta boogie.

You hear that?

What?

That's the sound of no one
Asking me to the dance.

Why aren't they
Asking you, harrison?

Well, I'll you, sam.

It's because
My chest is concave.

No, it's not.

My chest is concave.

Nevertheless,
You're clearly a girl.

So... Give me
The girl's perspective.

Am I okay-looking?

Uh, you have nice eye lashes.

Okay, that's enough.

It is not.
You are totally cute.

Oh, my god. Tuna alert.

Six o'clock.

Hello, harrison john.

Though you're not the dream boy
I have bondage fantasies about--

That would be
The hard-bodied stone cold--

You would be an adequate setting

For the fiery ruby
That is april tuna.

Pick me up
Friday at 8:00

With expensive
Hot-house corsage in hand.

You know what, april?
You're too late.

I snagged him first.

Hey. Sorry, april.

I'm not sure if you're alpha
Male enough for me, anyway,

You scrawny, beta harrison john.

Ouch. Rejected by april tuna.

You don't have to go with me.

Might as well go with someone
Who we'll have fun with.

Besides, aren't you sick of
Mooning after the unattainable?

Like brooke.

Like josh.

No comment. I plead the fifth.
Mm-hmm.

Y'all, later this week
When I lose my last 20 pounds,

I'll be skeleton thin
For the dance.

Then, all I'll need
Is the perfect, gorgeous,

Musclely beau.

Yeah.
Yeah.

All right, girls.
That is it!

I am asking my high-buttock
Stone cold to the dance.

I know for a fact
He's available,
As brooke has taken a pass.

Mary cherry, I'm sorry.

I happen to know he has
A thing for caliente girls.

He's begged me many times
To roll my r's for him.

He's been on
My to-do list for weeks.

Excuse me.

Nicole julian and stone cold
Are like fashion and anorexia.

They go together.
Thank you.

Well, my, my.

Looks like we've got
A catfight on our hands.

What do you say we have
Ourselves a little contest?

Whoever loses
The most weight by friday

Gets to go to the dance
With stone cold,

180 pounds of prime beefcake.

You're on.
You're on.

Hey, brooke.
Oh, hey.

How about that
Sadie hawkins thing, huh?

Yeah.
Girls asking the guys.

Beating these girls
Off with a stick.

I bet you are.

I'm still holding out for
The prettiest girl in school.

I wanna be more than the
Prettiest girl in the school.

Did you ask anybody yet?

We broke up. Okay, josh?

I...

We can ask
Whoever we want. Okay?

Okay.

You know...

Wow. Those lincoln logs
Are really...

Cool, cause they're...

They're brownies cut
Into skinny rectangles.

It's kind of festive,
For president's day.

You have nice hair.

Thanks. Do you want it?

I probably shouldn't eat it.
I gotta lose a few.

See you, carm.

That went well.

Don't tell me you're asking
That ken doll to the dance.

Carmen,
I expect better from you.

Look at sam.
She's not out chasing

The hubba-hubba studleys
Just 'cause the media tells her

She should value
A muscular torso.

Thank you.
Instead,
She's going with harrison.

What?

Don't be upset,
My little anti-bicep.

I'm sorry.

Come on.

You know you're still my
Favorite activist-in-training.

Mr. Sensitive.

Stone cold likes
Them blonde with...

my name is mr. Calorie.

[mary] A talking scale?

[nicole] I know this company.
It's a diet plan

Targeted specifically
At unhappy teenage girls.

I saw it on a talk show
Called horrifying trends.

Answered prayers.

Oh! Look!

There's an ample
And tasty meal here

Of a celery stick
And a bouillon cube.

And a dime-sized
Breath mint for dessert.

Girls,

Our contest
Begins right now.

This is our
Stone cold battle headquarters.

Someone's got a lot of homework.

I'm working on
An extra-credit essay

For english
On franny and zoe.

I love that book.

Although it's not
Salinger's best teenage symbol

Of america gone awry.

That would be...

Holden caulfield,
catcher in the rye.

I reread that book
Every summer.

I feel like holden,
You know. Searching.

Slightly tortured.

Okay.

That's a little
Bit too much information.

Actually, I think
That we all feel like holden.

[car honks]

If I'm not mistaken,
Holden was also horrified

And wanted to climb
Into a hole and die

When his mom
Picked him up from school.

Harrison.

Um...

Do you wanna go
To the dance on friday?

Okay.

What do I do with the baggy?
It looks like a bladder bag.

Stick it up your sleeve
Like bobbi glass does
With her kleenex.

Then what you do is empty it
When it starts to slosh.

Next saturday have you
Ready for wrestling

And lookin' good
For the women.

Now, you wrap me.

Sugar, am I fat?

You could tell me if I'm fat.

Hey.
Hello.

I tried
To call you last night.

Oh, yeah. I went
To the mall with carmen.

I bought this amazing dress.
You're gonna flip over it.

It's a cross between

A new york jennifer
Love hewitt and a hooker.

It was totally on sale.

What? You're not gonna be
Embarrassed to be seen with me,

If that's what
You're worried about.

No. You look great.
You always look great.

Okay. I'll see you later.

Bye.

See you at lunch.

Dude, did you tell her?

Yeah. Yeah.
Of course I did.

She didn't beat
The hell out of you

When you told her
You were forsaking

Her lack of curves
For someone more...

Dream-bodacious than she?

No. She was cool.

Good man.

Owning up to
That cherry tree.

Fight the tyranny, girls.
Step on a real scale.

You should weigh
At least 130.

The santa anas
Would knock you over.

Gain ten pounds, okay?

Next.

I can't resist a weigh-in.
Subtract at least a pound

For the acrylic nails
And the underwire.

That's part of a bra.

You're too skinny, nicole.
Look at the chart.

You're not
At a healthy weight.

These charts were obviously
Published in indiana.

Thank goodness
We have mr. Calorie,

An accurate barometer
Of our obesity.

Don't you girls get tired of
Being so "Lookist" all the time?

You are just as misguided

As that stupid symbol on the
Back of your cheerleader jacket.

The glamazon icon

Reflects the size-two contour
That every girl should aim for.

That means you,
Busty go lightly.

Yeah. Along with being eerily
And heinously similar

To a trucker mud flap,

Your symbol is an officially
Condoned image of anorexia.

Maybe you could be a role model.

Demonstrate how it's
All about inner beauty for you.

I wonder if
There's a way to prove

That you've managed
To escape the media's influence.

Yes. Hello. My fair lily.

Stop squabbling
And move this along.

I've got a crap burning
A hole in my "Underroos."

I need an accurate weight gauge
Before I eliminate.

I'm doing a personal
Experiment on licorice.

Emory dick is no doubt available
For friday night, lily.

Are you?

Tell you, what, hon.

If you actually appear
In public with the little dick,

I will change
The glamazon icon

To reflect that
Of the average woman's
Tragically dumpy proportions.

But...

If I can prove that happiness

Is related entirely to facade

By making
This tuna fish over here

Into something
Resembling that of a woman,

Then my glamazon archer
Stays triumphantly cadaverous.

Hey. Emory.

Wanna go to the dance?

You're in luck, ms. Esposito.

I'm delighted to inform you
That I'm still available.

Great.

Tuna!

Walk three paces behind me.

Let the record show

This is a war between
Inner and outer beauty.

Next.

Don't tell lily, but I do
Wanna ask josh to the dance.

It's not just because
He is a babe.

But he's really nice.

I know you kind of liked him

After you gave
Him that bali-hai.

I'm wondering if you still do.

Like josh ford? No. No. No.

Anyway, I'm going with harrison.

Great.

I was kind of wondering,
Since you're a writer and all...

Help me find
The words to ask him.

I'm not exactly a love genius.

You have to be better than me.

The last time I tried, we ended
Up talking about lincoln logs.

Okay.

Let's think.

What does a gorgeous
Person worry about?

They worry about people

Only liking them
Because of their looks.

So, what I suggest you say
Is something like,

"Josh, I know girls

"Usually go for you because
Of your brawny shoulders

"And your tapered waist.

"But I know
You're more than that.

"I see the boy in junior high

"Who stayed after school

"To help janine,
The one-armed janitor,

Pick up the chairs
Before she mopped the floors."

He actually did that?

Yeah.

Good god, that's hot.
I've gotta get this down.

This is pathetic.

I could barely lift
The bar on the last set.

Well, it's almost 50 pounds.

You're gonna feel it
On the third set,

Particularly
Since you're just starting out.

How long have you been lifting?

Since seventh grade.

I'm on the lookout
For a date for the dance.

I gotta be working out.

You and brooke.
You definitely over?

Lenny kaye put it best.

"It ain't over till it's over."

If I can just work
Off this flabby ass

And get discipline,

I think she'll ask me.

You're probably going
With mcpherson, huh?

Um... She asked me. Yeah.

Yo, scrub. This gym's
Reserved for the men's.

What are you doing here?

Power walking.
Getting in shape for my baby.

Seems the woman of my dreams
Has been dreaming of me.

Ms. Lily esposito
Has asked me to the dance.

She did, huh?

Good for you, emory.

Josh, can you
Spot me again?

Yeah.

I suggest a dream girl
Doubleheader.

You and brooke and me and lily
And a hot tub limo.

Life doesn't get any better.

You're going with brooke?

How did you swing that?

Um, she asked me.

Nice job, scrub.
Screwing over the dude

Who's saving your chicken neck
From being squashed by the bar.

She was probably worried
No one else would ask him.

As a matter of fact,
Two women asked me, ford.

Well, how can
They resist such an adonis?

You can't even lift the bar.

Let's go, sugar.

Wait. Josh.

Help.

A moment of your time.
About friday night.

I hope you're going
With a classic, sexy look

And not that east village
Combat-boot-with-a-gown look.

Might I suggest
A nice front-slit dress

To camouflage
Your unsightly calves.

Maybe a velveteen choker to take
Attention away from your head.

Which is slightly
Too large for your body.

I'm gonna wear whatever
The hell I wanna wear.

Got it, emory?

Why did you
Invite me to the dance?

What's the matter with you?
Why are you sweaty?

You invite me
Out of pity?

Harrison, why would I pity you?

I'm not exactly in
The josh ford category, am I?

Or... Am I?

What are you talking about?

Emory rented this hot tub limo.

Lily is begging us to
Double-date so she doesn't have

To be alone with the dick.

You're going with sam? I
Thought we were going together.

Harrison.

Brooke asked me.
But I was going to tell you.

When? When? When you showed up
To our house with two corsages?

I didn't wanna
Hurt your feelings.

It's a little late for that.

Oh, crap. This is a mess.

So, who are you gonna take?

Yeah, harrison.
Who are you taking to the dance?

Sammy.
Hey.

I would love
To go to the dance.

But nobody's asked me.
What should I do?

Josh,
Don't do this. Okay?

What? You said I was free to go
With anyone I want. Remember?

Sam.

I know a lot of girls go for you

Because of your brawny shoulders
And your tapered waist...

Great. I'd love to go with you.

Oh!

Why harrison of all people?

Could it be because,
Oh, I don't know,

He belongs to me,

He's been
My best friend for years?

Oh, I guess I missed
That luggage tag.

I didn't see
The "S" branded on his ass.

While you're moving your pawns
Around your chessboard,

You should remember harrison
Has real feelings for you.

I am the one doing
The right thing here,

Not the superficial
Thing, like you.

Harrison possesses the qualities
That I should be looking for.

He's sweet. He's literate.

He doesn't spend more time
On his hair than I do.

What I don't understand

Is why you're going with a guy
You have no feelings for.

A guy you've always
Considered to be some dumb jock.

Who says I don't have feelings
For josh that are real?

Do you?

Good for you, sam,
For going for it.

You sneak into my closet
And you wear my clothes.

Why shouldn't you go after
All my hand-me-downs?

You see. You still like him.

You're worried
That you made a mistake.

You can't handle
He's going with me to the dance.

Brooke, you're so transparent.

Fine. All right.

Just to prove
I have him out of my system,

Let's all go together.

We'll do some fun, slammi''

Emory dick hot tub action.

- fine.
- fine.

- good.
- done. Whatever.

I'm really looking forward
To going with josh.

He's ready
For someone more mature.

Mature? You? Please.
You still wear training bras.

Well, if that isn't the pot
Calling the kettle flat.

So, ladies, a little birdie
Told the fox here

That you popular teases
Got a little gamble going.

I'm the brass ring
At the end of a bet.

Makes me feel
Like a piece of meat.

I like that feeling.

Just remember, stone cold.

I like my meat rrr-rare.

Hey, stone cold.

Are you familiar
With a country called ecuador?

'cause I could
Buy it for you.

When am I getting
An invite, ladies?

Listen, stone cold.
Keep the faith.

Show up at the dance
Ready and oiled.

One of us
Will glide toward you.

Take you
By the hand.

Feel you up.

That's the lady that done
Brung you to the dance.

All right. See ya.

You know,
I was thinking.

The new glamazon icon.

We should go
With a woman of substance.

Say, I don't know.

Mm. Janet reno.

The novak, after school.

Final weigh-in
And makeover. Be there.

[carmen] I chickened out.
I couldn't ask him.

But I've got a new strategy.

I go stag.

Josh goes stag.

I show up
Super-empowered and casual.

I happen upon him
At the punch table

And invite him
To shake his groove thang.

Yeah, but
Josh isn't going stag.

Oh, my god.

Please, don't tell me
That they are back together.

Don't tell me that
I miss the 15 minutes

When he and brooke
Were actually broken up.

He isn't going with brooke.

He's going with sam.

She didn't tell you.

I asked if you were over josh
And you said you were.

I was, but I didn't
Wanna get in your way.

And you never asked him.

Hello. I tried
Time and time again.

Not all of us are endowed
With your quicksilver tongue.

You're such a hypocrite.

Carmen, he asked me, okay?

Look. I'm coming clean here.

I did the asking.
But he told me to ask him.

Carmen, I wish it didn't
Turn out this way.

I wish josh were going
With you, but...

But he's not.
He's going with you.

Yeah. I'm ashamed to say that
I actually wanna go with him.

It makes me feel...

Pretty.

Right?

I'm so sick of being the girl
With the personality.

I hate my thighs.

Me, too.
I hate my thighs.

Yeah. Well, I hate my skin.

Yeah. Well, I hate my mouth.

And I hate my fat hands.

I hate my body.

I gave her a blow-out

That would have straightened
The pacific coast highway.

That's scary. April tuna
Is the black hole of beauty.

No!

She's the ultimate
Makeover challenge.

Listen up, chicken of the sea.

Our glamazon icon,

Our very lifestyle philosophy,
Is at risk here.

And I don't lose. Got it?

Get ready to strike
A pose. Or else.

Oh, dear god.

Please let
My invisible pill kick in.

Harrison,
I left my corsage.

Could you pin it on me
Before we get to the dance?

Yeah.

Sure, brooke.
Great.

Glad to help.

Such a gentleman, huh?

Is something wrong? Ow.

No. No, it's cool.

Just a little stiff.

Yeah, I bet you are.

I'm gonna tell you once.
Watch your mouth.

Sam, you look absolutely
Beautiful in your dress tonight.

We're gonna dance
Our asses off.

I can hardly wait.

[hissing]

Um...

Sorry.
I was just cold.

Ow. Ow. Ow! Ow.

Ow.

Okay. That's it!
Stop the car.

Harrison, you and I
Are gonna finish this right now.

[tires screech]

Bring it on.

Harrison.

My god.

Couldn't even wait till
The bed was cold, huh?

That the best you got?

I expected more
From mr. Big man on campus.

I don't see you throwing
Any punches, james dean.

Are you okay?

No, I'm not.

It's this sweat-it-off system.
I'm dehydrated.

It's my 18th baggy.

Well, I've been working out
For three days straight.

It hurts to breathe.

Now what?

Drive.

Wait. What happened?

Harrison popped me in the jaw.
Didn't you, harrison?

Yeah. Yeah, I did.
I'd do it again.

Harrison, you fought?

He deserved it.

Interesting.
I hate violence.

Ladies, the final weigh-in.

Mr. Calorie,
The results, please.

your results, heifers,
are identical.

Damn! We weigh
The same again.

It's because we haven't eaten
Anything in three days.

I never should have snuck
That sip of water last night.

Who gets stone cold
If it's a draw?

Girls, I have a proposition.

I have here in my insanely
Expensive mink evening bag

The strongest laxative
The world has ever known.

Only the pentagon
And an elephant keeper

At the national zoo
Know its secret formula.

Its street name,

Convulse.

Is it safe?
Not that it matters.

Not as safe as an h-bomb.
But it's effective.

Now we all...

Take equal doses and weigh in
At the dance in one hour.

Whoever has the most successful
Diuretic experience

Wins the stone cold booty.

Do we agree?

Nic, grab your wild-eyed
Eliza doolittle.

Tuna!

Let's roll.

Come on, frankentuna.

Time to show off
Our experiment

And get lily to kiss
My triumphant ass.

[whistles]

Okay.
Where's stone cold?

When he sees
How good we look,

He'll be putty
In our hands.

[mary] Mirror,
Mirror on the wall,

Who's the fairest
Of them all?

I am. I feel pretty.
Pretty horny.

Are you okay?
You feel kinda hot.

I'm fine. I'm fine.

Okay.

You think brooke
And harrison will figure out

The only reason we're here is
Strictly for revenge purposes?

No. I think
We fooled them.

[hissing]

Did you eat something
You're allergic to?

Um... Excuse me.

Um... Do you wanna dance?

Um. I'd love to. But I...

I can't turn my neck.
I'm so stiff.

I think I'm paralyzed.
Oh, my god.

Should we call an ambulance?

This is self-induced.
I lifted too much.

To impress you and myself.

Harrison.

You didn't need to change
Your body to impress me.

Didn't I? I've been standi''
In front of you for years

And you never
Noticed me as me.

Why the sudden change?

You're right.

I guess this wasn't
Very well thought out, was it?

So I was just a pity invite.

No, harrison.

Not at all.

Oh, god. I keep
Thinking that...

I can either have...

Physical attraction or
Intellectual attraction.

But I can't have both.
My problem is

That I need to stop
Being so biased

And stop compartmentalizing.

I'm in the brains department
But not the hot bin?

Would you wanna
Go out with me,

You know, date me
If I wasn't...

If you weren't pretty?

Yeah.

Thought so.

I'll go get you
Some advil, okay?

We'll do this
Another night.

Where is lily?

And tuna
And stone cold.

Oh, my god!

Is convulse also
A hallucinogenic?

Tuna! What are you doing?

Lose the facade,
We lose the bet.

My date objected
To the beauty industry

Slight of hand.

He was willing to buy me as is.

[all] Your date?

Tired of woman who only see me
For my muscular definition.

April tuna is the first
Woman to see my soul.

[gurgling]

Josh, would you like to dance?

Josh?

Josh.

Okay. So let me
Get this straight.

You tell me
That my legs suck

And that I have
A lollipop head.

Yet, you're
The one who's hurt.

Just because you have

Special aquaman-hearing
Or whatever you call it

And you heard me say
I wished I was invisible?

Look.
I say dumb things, okay?

Around women
As beautiful as you,

I'm awkward.

Emory, come on.

Let's just go dance, okay?

Only in the shadows, right?

So no one really knows
That you're with me.

No. Come on.
You're totally overreacting.

Am I? Look me in the eye.
Tell me it's not true

The only reason you're going
With me to this dance

Is because
I'm just a political stance.

Thought so.

Here.

I'm ducking home.

But I wanted you
To have these.

Beautiful flowers
For a beautiful lady.

At least on the outside.

I feel like I just smoked
75 cigarettes,

Drank a dozen pots
Of french roast

And topped it off
With jalapeño nachos.

I feel like
I just gave birth

To every
Internal organ I have.

And all this
For what?

A hunk of metal and a guy
Who flunked long division.

Girls, maybe, uh...

Maybe it's time we end
This scale's tyranny

Over our otherwise
Happy-go-lucky adolescence.

ow.

What the hell
Is in your purse?

A sledgehammer?

Yes. I carry it in my bag

In case I stroll by a car
That's more expensive than mine

So I can give
A little offender a good ding.

You thinkin'
What I'm thinkin'?

Mr. Calorie...

It's hammer time.

Sip your o.J.
Slowly, joshua.

Your blood sugar
Is gonna be fine in no time.

Yes, ma'am.

Wow. This is a fun dance
Where nobody dances.

But we had quite
An evening. Eh, gang?

Sweat baggies.

Elephant laxatives.

A hindenburg
Lingerie disaster.

Lifting weights
To the point of paralysis.

Do you really think
Those things

Make you more attractive
To the opposite sex?

Damn. Did they leave?

Oh, no. No, principal hall.
I'm sorry.

I guess...
To answer your question,

I think
We do these things

Because we all
Just wanna feel loved.

I am not young.
I am not thin.

And I suspect

I look nothing
Like the women in the magazines.

But my beloved husband, olaf,
Fell in love with me.

All right.
I lost my sight

To diabetes
Four years ago.

And when I did, a dark shadow
Fell over my life.

I thought
My life was over.

And then olaf walked in
To my support group

And my curse
Became a blessing.

Because for the first
Time in my life,

I learned
That in a perfect world,

A person falls in love
Not because of a pretty face...

But because of a heart.

[whistles]

[♪♪ slow doo-wop]

Cecilia, baby.
They're playing our song.

May I have this dance?

Oh, well.
This is a dance.

Somebody's got to do it.

♪ forever ♪

♪ we will be together ♪

Carmen,
May I have this dance?

♪ like the poets all say ♪

♪ forever and a day ♪

Hey, lily.

Hey.

Time to bargain.

If we did fashion
A kinder, gentler glamazon,

Could you live with 135 pounds
And a size eight?

A-cup?

C.

Not budging
On that one, hon.

Deal.

All righty, then.

♪ forever and a day ♪

♪ forever and a day ♪

♪♪ [saxophone solo]

♪ to bend and not to break ♪

♪ chin up, try not to quake ♪

♪ I'm grinning on the outside ♪

♪ but I'm a wreck internally ♪

♪ ooh, la la la la ♪

♪ ooh, la la la la ♪