Original subtitles

♪♪ [humming]

Mom, we have cinemax. We don't need to discuss sex.

Sam's right, for once.

With books, the internet,

Li'l kim videos, We're really educated.

I know. But there's a lot Of information out there,

But no guide.

I am not one of those parents That lives in denial.

Please be one Of those parents.

I know that this is Uncomfortable for you guys.

I feel awkward, too, But we're gonna do it,

Because one of you, and I am Not pointing any fingers...

But one of you is Thinking about doing it...

If not already doing it.

Now, I thought

That it was bad in my time--

The sexual revolution, the pill.

But today It's even worse.

I can't flip on the radio Without hearing That new loli-pop song.

"Be my petting zoo"?

"Pet my silky fur"?

Is this Really happening?

Yeah, I think it is.

Jane, I really appreciate Your... Caring.

But I pride myself On my judgment.

And so do I. And so did I, girls.

But despite that, My first time was horrible.

I know all About the hype,

But I wasn't ready For the emotion.

Sex is more than Just physicality.

Sex is the ultimate Emotional connection.

And it doesn't mean a damn Unless at the end,

You wanna roll over And talk to that person.

Unfortunately, I can't teach you About the emotional side of sex.

That's learned as you go.

But I can get rid of your Fears about the plumbing.

So today I picked up Some literature,

And it would be super if we Can start by reviewing it.

Does everyone know The purpose and the origin

Of the labia majora?

♪ think it over once or twice ♪

♪ what lasts the longest in this life ♪

♪ character or rock-hard thighs ♪

♪ in the end do you believe ♪

♪ that beauty lies in what you see ♪

♪ 'cause if you do, then, baby ♪

♪ you've been deceived ♪

♪ well, me and b ♪

♪ we hate supermodels ♪

♪ it's just that I'm tired of being compared ♪

Come on. Pet me.

♪ met you at the zoo that day And, boy, you were so fine ♪

♪ despite smell of animal poop I wish that you were mine ♪

♪ oh, baby, baby ♪

♪ don't worry about it Come on, don't be scared ♪

♪ the hours we would pet the Beasts in their filthy lair ♪

♪ watched you pet the zebra, the Stripes are smooth like felt ♪

♪ but in the dark I felt a spark And wished you'd pet my pelt ♪

♪ be my petting zoo ♪

♪ pet my silky fur ♪

♪ you don't have to feed me or give me rabies shots ♪

[computer alerts]

"Do you ever think About sex?" yo!

My girl gwyneth and I are On the same page today.

"Constantly.

It's all anyone At school talks about."

"I know. I feel like this Immense pressure to lose it."

Yo, she wants To kick it hard-core.

"Me, too,

"And what's worse is the guys On the team make me feel

Like such an outsider 'cause I have no experience."

"Cheerleaders do The same thing.

"They make me feel like a loser

Just 'cause I'm the only Virgin on the squad."

"You're a cheerleader?"

"Yeah. I am blond And very athletic."

"Sounds like you have No problem finding a guy."

"Sure, but the right Guy is hard.

"I want someone I can be real with...

"The way we are.

So, what do you look like?"

"Tall, dark,

Built like a quarterback."

"Maybe we should meet sometime?"

♪ you don't have to feed me ♪

♪ yeah ♪

♪ all I require all I desire ♪

♪ is your hands on me a lot ♪

Loli-pop's number one Smash single

Has single-handedly Put me in touch

With my own Sizzling sexuality.

Loli-pop rocks.

And I love cat food.

This loli-pop phenomenon Is horrifying.

Don't you think It's sending out

A completely irresponsible Message about sex?

"Be promiscuous and be cool."

I'm taking action. I am passing out condoms.

You can't do that. Why?

It's against school policy.

Oh, what is that?

They were giving out these Petting zoo heads at tower Records as a promotion.

They're sort of wacky.

Who could ever imagine That this little rubber guy

Could possibly save my life And yet ruin it?

What happened?

My mom found this in my drawer.

So we had the big o'' Birds-and-bees talk

Right in front of brooke.

She even included her. I was so creeped out.

Sam, I feel your pain and all. But why do you need a condom?

Saving up For a rainy day? Well?

Excuse me. Here. Take this.

You need it More than she does.

Sam, now that we're Living together,

Do me a tiny favor.

Please don't leave your wishful Thinking sexual aids around.

Parents always find them, And there's always the big talk.

You may need it, But it's old hat to me.

What are you insinuating, That I need the education?

Please, I'm more than informed.

I actually wasn't Insinuating anything,

Other than the fact that You don't have a boyfriend.

I may not have a boyfriend,

But at least I don't have An empty relationship.

What does that mean?

Doesn't take a genius To figure out

You and josh are the menudo Of couples-- interchangeable.

For your information, old maid,

We connect on every level.

When's the last time You even went out on a date?

Not exactly Reeling 'em in, are you?

Trust me. I could bring home A boyfriend in a second.

Hey, sis.

I have this great idea. You up for a little bet?

Lady luck's Firmly on my side.

Great.

You have by the end Of the week to prove to me

That you can land A boyfriend.

And you can't pay for him. Fabulous.

And you have till The end of the week

To prove you and josh are more

Than just the Jock-slash-cheerleader couple

Standing on shallow ground.

How am I supposed To prove that?

How about debuting him somewhere Other than the football field Or your bedroom?

You're on?

Oh. And to make it Worth my while,

The loser has to publicly

And horrifyingly join Knees together.

But... That's The abstinence club.

Only sexual illiterates Are in that club.

Fitting for you, Don't you think?

You're on.

I've looked it up in The administration guidebook,

And all I need is permission From a health administrator

And I can pass out condoms.

- can I have your blessing? - sorry, troublemaker.

I'm sucking the mercury Right out of your Rule-breaking thermometer.

See, I've taken The temperature

Of your little pro-sex plan

And I'm throwing down A big ol' tub of ice chips.

I am not pro-sex.

I'm pro-responsibility. This is insane.

Why doesn't the school Pass out condoms?

Because that would Be promoting sex.

If I were to put out A bucket of raincoats

On the desk there, Guess what happens.

I get calls of outrage From very upset parents,

Saying, "Hey, nurse jessie glass,

"Your job is to throw sawdust

On piles of corridor vomit."

Don't you get it? Teenagers are gonna have sex

No matter what Authority figures say.

If you won't let me Pass out condoms, What are the alternatives?

I say do what works for me.

Stay home on friday nights, Pet the cats, And watch providence.

Be very clear.

If I catch you distributing

Sausage wrappers in my school,

Your disrespectful little Booty's gonna get cramps

From a long spell in detention.

So you smoothed out a few Of the rough edges. Big deal.

When you guys Were in the chat room,

Did you hit On something real?

Man, like jada and will.

Then you got to meet her,

'cause everything else Is just superficial crap.

Why do you think brooke And I have lasted so long?

Dude, 'cause you both Look like models.

No. It's because We have that connection.

When you connect, sugar, It's all that matters. Right?

Yeah.

All right.

♪ see how the butterfly touches down ♪

♪ shattering the endless fear without a sound ♪

♪ butterfly ♪

[brooke's voice] when's the last time you even went out on a date?

not exactly reeling 'em in, are you?

Leo, what are you doing here?

Well, I, uh...

Here's the 4-1-1, Nosy butt-face.

Leo here's a broke dreamer Looking for direction In his life.

To make money Until he finds his way, He's offering tennis lessons.

Any sport with love in it Is a sport at which he excels.

We can't wait to smack Your tennis balls around

On the court, leo.

[smacking lips]

Hey, sammie. You should really sign up.

With an experienced teacher, It's totally painless.

♪ be my petting zoo ♪

♪ pet my silky fur ♪

♪ you don't have to feed me ♪

♪ or give me rabies shots ♪

♪ all I require All I desire ♪

♪ is your hand... ♪

Um, I'm kind of busy now, You know?

Think about it.

A little exercise Does a body good.

♪ wish I had a photograph of everyone I knew ♪

Who do you think you're fooling? He's not gonna date a sophomore.

♪ the pictures on the windowsills and mirrors in my room ♪

♪ would celebrate the life in everything ♪

♪ we are here and we are breathing ♪

♪ let the spirit take you where it leads ♪

♪ yeah ♪

Hey, harrison.

Guess who I've been on the phone With for the past hour.

The crusading Spirit of gandhi. No.

The president of Everybody's doing it condoms.

He offered up what I asked for.

Over 1,000 love gloves To distribute at my discretion.

Finally, activism I can support.

You know you're Gonna get detention.

Not if I'm clever And resourceful.

That's how You beat the system.

You do magic tricks, right?

Why?

Carm?

Honey, what's wrong?

She watched sleepless in seattle again.

So sue me

If I want a little mystery And meggie romance.

You know what's A mystery to me?

Chicks.

I hang out with them. I just never get 'em.

What is it? Am I so Horrifying to look at?

I get zits and stuff, But I'm still a good guy.

Maybe you're just Trying too hard.

I just think That girls want guys

Not so available.

Sick but true.

Sammie, that's Really great advice.

But if you're so knowledgeable About sex and romance,

Why aren't you out there Getting a boyfriend?

You're right.

You're absolutely right, Harrison.

If I want a boyfriend,

I'll just have To sign up for one.

Excuse me.

Wait. Are they giving Them away somewhere?

Hey, josh.

Hey, what's up, baby?

Listen, um...

I don't think We're connecting.

But I think I have An idea how we can.

[grunting]

I always suspected You were part camel.

I worked out, brooke.

You know, you should try A little exercise,

Other than your empty Thighmaster presses

In the backseat Of josh's car.

[jane] Hey, girls.

Jane.

Are you and daddy busy On friday night?

Here. Uh... Thanks.

I don't think so. Why?

It'd be nice to have Josh over for dinner.

My boyfriend.

We talked about it.

He wants to come over And become part of the family.

You know, communicate,

Discuss world events, bond.

[jane] Well, that's great.

That's great. Sam, you busy friday night?

Uh... Actually, mom, I am busy. I got a date.

You're dating someone.

Wow. Who's the mystery man?

Why don't I see

If I can jiggle our schedules For friday so you can meet him?

We'll join you For dinner, brooke.

Sounds like a blast.

Time for sugar daddy To get real...

And connect.

"Let's do it. Let's meet."

"How about tonight?"

Knees together.

It's all about abstinence,

The only way To prevent the misery

That walks hand in hand With knockin' boots.

Who's with me?

♪ met you at the zoo that day, and, boy, you were so fine ♪

♪ despite smell of animal poop I wish that you were mine ♪

Petting zoo promotion rocks.

Have sex with it.

It's a poodle.

Yes.

Have sex with it.

Get your Petting zoo balloons!

What do you think You're doing here?

These are part Of a loli-pop promotion.

I am the president of the Kennedy high loli-pop fan club.

Think you're pretty smart here, Don't you, sister?

These are not Petting zoo balloons.

These are condoms,

Sculpted into toys In a transparent attempt

To skirt regulations.

Oh! Wow! Neat.

Do you guys do Birthday parties, too?

You do realize that Condoms have other uses.

Wow, nicole. I'm impressed.

You recognize these as condoms While totally sober.

Let me give you A little bit of advice,

Girl to stick figure.

Endorse something you Know a little about.

If you're looking For a worthy cause, I suggest breast implants.

Your boyish figure Is absolutely chilling.

Mr. John, miss esposito, You're going down.

Does this make Any sense to you?

I guess.

Actually, not really, brooke.

I think our relationship Is going great.

I think you don't need To necessarily talk to somebody

All the time to communicate.

I think it's cool That I found someone

I can hold hands with In silence sometimes.

You may find it freaky, But I find it comforting.

Josh, what I'm trying To say is...

Is... That I think

That there's something Deeper lacking here.

I need to feel rooted with you And communicate,

Not only physically, But on all kinds of levels--

Mentally, spiritually.

Josh, I want you To be my family,

And to do that, You need to be a part of it.

Well, I wanna make this work. So I'm coming to the dinner.

Great. Great.

We've got a few hours Before we dine with the fam.

Let's prepare by reviewing

The current events Conversation connection guide I made for you.

Number one.

"Hey, brooke, jane, Mr. Mcqueen, sam.

"How about That kosovo situation?

Crazy, huh?"

One more time.

This is the most wacked Detention I ever heard of.

Nah. It makes sense.

She knows if she put us in Regular study hall detention,

We'd just Pass out spermicides.

I hate nicole.

Stupid, li'l. You're not boyish.

Yeah? Then how else do you Explain my perpetual singleness?

Could it be your intensity And constant crusading

Create a wall That keeps guys out?

Hmm. I wonder.

I'm not exactly the guy

You should be asking about Your romantic problems.

I'm perpetual single dude, Remember?

God, why can't this whole

Sexual initiation thing

Be as easy as talking to you?

I know.

What a relief that would be.

If you could remove The emotional uncertainty

From the equation

And not feel you Were gonna be judged.

Is this possible?

Maybe.

If you skip The wining and dining

And went straight to friendship.

Isn't that where Relationships lead anyway?

So...

If an activist and her...

Activist in-training...

That would be me. Yeah.

Were curious and...

Wanted to see What sex would be like...

Then they should choose A first-time partner

Who's...

A friend.

I'm not doing Anything tonight. Are you?

Let's review A few of the basics,

Starting With your backhand.

Okay?

That's good.

Okay?

Just let it flow.

Back and forth.

Back and forth.

Have you heard That new loli-pop song?

Who hasn't at this point?

Sex in the air, huh?

Remember back in the day, Pressures to do it were huge.

Bend your knees a little bit.

S-so when did you...

Lose my innocence?

Mm-hmm.

I was your age.

Lost it here on this court.

How was it?

Ah, it was great and hot.

We had candles And rose petals and pillows.

It was a total Marrakesh experience.

You never forget Your first time.

Are you doing Anything for dinner? You wanna grab a bite?

I'm sorry, sammie. I can't.

I'm going out with a few Of my college dropout buds.

Let's practice some lunges.

Sam, you okay?

I think I sprained my ankle.

Call an ambulance?

No. I just need to get home.

How are you gonna do that If you can't walk?

I just wanna say How great it is

Eating as a family.

I agree. This hummus rocks, Ms. Mcpherson.

Thanks.

Where is sam?

Maybe she got tied up At the newspaper.

Maybe she's still looking For a boyfriend.

Boy, am I hungry.

Let's eat.

Oh!

Ow!

Well.

Sam, you... You look great In that dress. Is it new?

[brooke] I bought it yesterday.

I haven't had a chance To wear it yet.

Leo, it's been so long Since I've seen you.

You can't stay for dinner?

I, um...

Well, it does smell good.

And any time I get To spend with sam is cool.

So, uh, I'd love to.

If... It's okay With you, sam.

Absolutely.

[jane] Well, that's great.

Okay.

Let's begin.

So, leo,

How long have you and Sammie been going out?

It's just so exciting.

Well...

Two days.

We're a young romance.

So, you two are...

We've known each other A long time

From back in the day when we Used to play batman together.

Oh, gosh. Sam, I don't Mean to be vulgar,

But aren't you worried about You and leo's age difference?

There's a whole generation gap,

Not to mention, leo, The jailbait problem.

Jane.

I speak for jane And myself when I...

Exactly how old are you, leo?

Well, sir, uh,

Old enough to know that I have to act responsibly.

So, josh, is this Your first time here?

No. I've been here Lots of times.

No. I mean, in a room Without pillows.

So, how about that, uh, kosovo Thing going on over there?

Crazy, huh?

"I will be carrying A lime green bag."

"Great,

And I'll be in a silver tie."

Fake?

Virgin?

- yeah. - hooker?

Can you pay for the room?

There you go.

Bye, brooke.

Mom. Mike.

You have a curfew, young lady.

I know.

Should I, uh, Carry you back?

Oh, uh... No. I think The swelling's gone down.

Mm-hmm.

Well, her swelling Made have gone down,

But his is just beginning.

Janie, where you going?

I'm going to the store to buy Some after-dinner mints.

I'm going to stop them.

We trust our daughters, Remember?

I don't... On this issue. I don't trust her.

And I never will.

I don't trust her Because I was her once.

And you didn't listen to a word Your parents had to say.

[sighs] It's so hard.

Well, nobody ever said It was gonna be easy.

So, um, tonight Went okay, I think.

What are you thinking?

I'm, um, thinking

That maybe we're going About this the wrong way.

I think maybe To achieve real intimacy,

We need to have...

Real intimacy.

Hey.

Sorry I'm late.

I was experimenting With non-boyish hairstyles.

It paid off.

Um, can I come in?

Right. Sorry.

See, I know you. This is supposed to be easy.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

Harrison.

This is...

Wow.

Something to drink?

I know you like jamba juice, So I just brought it all.

Aloha pineapple razzmatazz.

I've always been a sucker For peach pleasure.

A toast.

Okay.

To...

Feeling incredibly Awkward here.

Yeah. I'll drink to that.

You know what I've always wanted to say?

I think I should slip Into something more comfortable.

You've done this before, Haven't you?

Hey.

Hey.

You look, uh... You look pretty in that.

What material is that?

Oh, it's flannel pajamas.

I thought you usually slept In those slinky silk numbers.

That's what you've Usually worn...

Before?

Yeah, I know.

I wore those Because I was trying hard.

From now on, we should Just be how we really are

And not work at it so much.

Okay.

Okay.

Uh...

What?

I'm nervous.

After all this waiting,

I'm totally terrified.

Why?

I've never felt closer To anybody in my life

Than I do to you.

Do you feel that way, too?

I want to.

That's why we're here.

Miss mcpherson.

Yes?

May I kiss you?

I was hoping for A little lower than that.

Yeah, I know.

That's what we need To talk about.

There was something going on With you and brooke tonight.

We had this bet.

She had to prove

That her relationship Was more than physical.

And I had to prove...

That you could Get a boyfriend.

You can, sam. It just can't be me.

At least not Until we move beyond This whole jailbait thing.

I might dig on you now,

The next thing I know I'm in county lockup.

I lied to you... About losing my virginity.

You...

You did it in The backseat of a car.

Nope. Here.

But there were no pillows, Rose petals, or candles.

Just a blanket and two People that got it on

Before they even knew Each other's last names.

The thing is,

Relationships have To develop naturally.

You force one, It's doomed from the start.

Yeah.

Harrison, I'm sorry.

I can't do this.

What?

Um... Say that again.

I don't know.

In theory It all made sense, but...

You were right about me.

I do put up walls.

And the problem is, On the other side of the wall,

I see a friend.

Yeah, well, that's Why we're here. Right?

Yeah. But it's also why We can't go through with this.

You're my friend.

And... And you were Worried sex might ruin that?

No. I mean that's How I look at you.

You're...

You're not attractive to me?

If you're honest With yourself,

You'll realize that that's How you feel about me, too.

Totally.

Yeah, I think you May be right.

I mean, yeah, definitely.

I know that there's Somebody out there for you,

For both of us.

Don't you think it's better If we wait for the right person?

Yeah, absolutely.

Okay.

Can we just, um,

Go to the diner and grab A plate of curly fries?

My treat.

Nah. I should clean up, Check out, that sort of thing.

Okay.

♪ you're here with me ♪

♪ I'll hold you forever ♪

♪ naturally ♪

♪ so if we're meant to be together ♪

♪ fate will lead me back to you ♪

♪ I've always had this strange sensation ♪

♪ with every choice I made each day ♪

♪ I never ever should have let you walk away ♪

Josh.

You awake?

Josh.

♪ I found you again ♪

♪ I've searched the world over ♪

♪ and you're here with me ♪

♪ I'll hold you forever ♪

♪ naturally ♪

♪ I want to thank you ♪

♪ for coming to me ♪

♪ gonna love you ♪

♪ endlessly ♪

♪ tear memories up ♪

♪ but I can pretend ♪

Hey. Uh, s.D., can we rap?

Um...

Okay, uh...

This is hard.

Lime green purse,

Silver tie.

It's me. I'm gwyneth2187.

You? Why are you playin' me?

I'm not. I'm not.

I just wanted To explain, and...

I know that I shouldn't Have stood you up.

I just didn't wanna Embarrass both of us.

But then I realized... I feel horrible

Because I know I would Have been really hurt.

I'm sorry.

Yo, why are you Making this harder?

Don't you think I wish That I could've been that guy?

Do you know hard it was For me to show up,

Knowing that I was gonna be found out?

Well, it was hard For me to show up, too.

And what's so stupid Is I keep thinking

That I'm beyond this point.

I mean, are we really That bad off

That we need to pretend To be people that we're not?

I think most people pretend.

Da-kidd and gwyneth Kept it real.

Yeah. Yeah.

And... There's no reason

Why they can't Still be friends

And keep it real online.

That'd be tight, carmen.

Can I have a chip? Thanks.

You gonna eat that apple?

I decided to leave Vegetarianism behind.

I'm gonna be A fruitatarian.

Where do you Think up this stuff?

I don't know.

Look, I, um... I forgot to tell You something the other night.

You have really fabulous teeth.

Told ya.

Come on.

I don't understand What I did wrong.

You didn't do anything wrong.

Joshie, you're not wrong.

I'm not wrong. It's just that...

I thought... I thought...

Finally doing it,

Getting as intimate As we could physically...

Would maybe fix All the other stuff.

But after we did it and...

You fell asleep.

So what you're saying Is I failed.

I'm the one Who dropped the ball.

I'm the one who doesn't Connect as deep as I should.

Well, you're wrong, brooke. God, you're so wrong.

Just because we're breaking up Doesn't mean we still Can't be friends.

I love you, brooke.

You're the first thing I think about in the morning

And you're the last thing I see at night.

I've waited for you.

The other night Wasn't sleazy,

And I didn't leave.

I mean, I shared with you

The most precious thing That there is.

And I'm sorry You didn't feel connected.

Because in that moment, Lying there...

And loving you,

I've never felt more connected To anybody in my whole life.

No need to rub it in.

Brooke, I come in peace.

Also to tell you That I didn't win.

Without going into All the gory details,

I was shot down.

I tried to force something That wasn't there.

It stinks like hell When that happens.

Yeah.

So I guess we both lost.

Yeah. I guess we did.

Hey, sam.

Living life shouldn't be About rushing into something.

'cause at the end of the day, You were smart to wait.

You only get one first time. Make sure it's worth it.

Knees together.

It's all about abstinence,

The only way To prevent the misery

That walks hand in hand With knockin' boots.

Who's with me?

♪ to bend and not to break ♪

♪ chin up, try not to quake ♪

♪ I'm grinning on the outside ♪

♪ but I'm a wreck internally ♪

♪ ooh, la la la la ♪

♪ ooh, la la la la ♪