Original subtitles

Wait. That's not fair.

How come Regular Kristen gets to bring in her kid,

but I can't bring in my pet snake?

Maybe because when you did, it laid eggs

in Colette's floppy purse.

Yeah, and they looked a lot like yogurt-covered almonds.

-Mmm. -Good morning.

First off, happy birthday, Kristen.

Aww. Cheers, Kris-- Sorry, which Kristen?

Hot Kri...

Young Kri... That one.

-[applause] -COLETTE: Happy birthday. -VIC: Come on.

You get to wear the... ♪ birthday pin.

Um, can I just leave early instead?

No. Now,

Big Sac sent us some awesome new swag.

-Yay. -Lame.

-Lame. -Now,

to remind us to stay healthy during cold-and-flu season,

everybody, meet Huey the Hygiene Raccoon.

That makes zero sense. Raccoons are literally filthy.

They eat out of the garbage.

Mary? She loves raccoons.

[laughs]: She calls them "trash pandas."

Oh, my God, that's so funny.

Did she come up with that herself?

-She did. -Amazing. [laughs]

-Girl, tighten up. -Yeah. -GREGG: You know what

reminds me to stay healthy, Barb?

-Tell me, Gregg. -The fact that we only have

three paid sick days per year.

VIC: Speaking of, full disclosh:

my pinworms are back, highly contagsh.

-Gross. -Yeah. Yeah.

I got cooties. [laughs]

BARB: Oh...

♪

[Colette sighs]

-Cute couple, no? -[gasps] Oh, my God.

I'm just kidding, they're both super cringe.

So, what are you gonna do?

I don't know. There's nothing to do.

I guess I could focus on me.

Oh, my God, you are such a white girl.

"I guess I can hop on my Zoom with my therapist."

Or, "I can go grab my weighted blanket

"and eat Greek yogurt on the couch

for some #self-care."

Ooh, better yet, "I'll log onto a neighborhood app

"and give my two cents to make sure everybody else

"heard the scary noise I heard in the middle of the night.

Mm."

You're way off.

I couldn't begin to move

my weighted blanket to the couch.

It's a 20-pounder, so... Are you done making fun of me?

I do have to update that app, though.

-I heard a really bad thing. -Oh, my God, listen.

There is absolutely always something you can do.

You just need the help of an expert.

Oh, and who would that be?

I am the expert.

[gasps]

-You have a lit candle in there. -CECI: Yeah,

it has to burn continuously so I can read the wax.

If it tunnels, that means my sister's been lying

about how she's paying for her Jetta.

COLETTE: Is this a diorama

-of the office? -Mm-hmm.

Ooh, is that me?

-Ah! -No touching.

Yes, I put a spell over the branch

to protect us from getting shut down.

[laughs]: A spell? That is crazy.

Unless it's a part of your culture.

Yeah. Hot Girl culture.

Listen, not many people know about my witching cabinet,

but I feel super bad for you.

Plus, I know exactly what you need to break up Mary and Noa.

"A freezing spell to cool off the passionate wildfire

-of two bodies." -[mouthing]

Uh, "passionate wildfire"? That's a bit much.

Mm. You're giving Delululemon.

-Oh. -So, all you need to do

is wrap a red string around a photo of Noa

to tie him to your heart.

Then we place the photo in the freezer,

and it will cool off his feelings for Mary.

Oh, that's easy. I-I'm never doing that.

Ugh, my God, you sound exactly like my sister.

-The fun one or the pretty one? -The annoying one.

Look, I might be a little "delulu,"

but I'm not, like, at casting magic spells yet.

No, I miss you. I miss you way more. [laughs]

I can't, no. I'm at work.

All right. One kiss. [kisses]

So, do I need a wand?

♪

Ah. Happy B-day, K-Dog.

-What are you, like, 30? -What? Ew.

No, I'm 24.

If I was turning 30, I'd literally kill myself.

I guess I should kill myself twice. [laughs]

Well, you work at the DMV,

so your life is basically over.

-HOT KRISTIN: Good to know. -Who did this?

-[stifled laugh] -BARB: Who would draw

Huey holding two big rocket ships?

Rockets? I...

-Barb, those are... Rockets.

Those are big, hard rockets. Mm.

This doesn't make any sense.

Does somebody want to blast Huey into space?

I mean, he's gripping onto these things for dear life.

-Who drew these? -Maybe the same person that did those.

[gasps]

Who's the culprit? Step forward.

-Hmm? -[grunts]

[chuckles] This isn't over.

'Cause nobody's gonna make an ass out of Big Sac.

[laughs]

This is some of your finest work.

Aww. Gratitude.

But I can't take credit.

My "rockets" have a signature curve.

Hey. [clears throat]

The-the-the asset is in the vault. [chuckles]

Oh, you printed the photo off of Noa's Instagram?

[shushing]

-Come on. -Relax, weirdo.

Okay, take it out. Come on.

You need to tie this binding string around it

-to tie him to your heart. -Mm.

Then we're gonna pop it in the freezer after.

He's gonna be so cold in there.

Ay, Dios mío, dame calma que la mató.

Oh, was that the spell? Do I need to repeat it?

-No. -Oh.

-Okay. Done. -Okay.

Great.

COLETTE: Just gonna pop him behind

this nine-year-old box of baking soda.

Now what I do?

Now, we wait for the spell to work its magic.

-Ooh! [squeals] -Ah...

Yeah, okay. Thought we were having fun.

-All good. -[sighs] Ice cream cake's melting.

-Got to put it in the freezer. -What? No, no. No.

I would love some ice cream cake.

Give me that. [laughs]

Okay, maybe just take a slice?

No, I'm-I'm very hungry.

Thank you. Oh. Mmm...

This is just what my body needed.

HOT KRISTEN: Oh, my God.

Is this what getting old is like?

Uh... what is this?

Why is everyone using the freezer today?

Why? Why would anyone do this?

I mean, why does anybody do anything?

Like, why did I just eat so much ice cream cake

if I'm lactose intolerant?

Maybe it's menopause.

-Ah, thank you, Kristen. -[laughs softly]

Hey, this... this creepy little red string,

why is it tied around my neck like it's trying to choke me?

COLETTE: Uh, no, I really don't think it's that.

I think we should consider other explanations.

Like, maybe it's a festive neck scarf

or a mini lanyard or a cravat, you fancy boy.

The point is, we just don't know.

-Okay? -Oh, my God. No, no, no, no.

-What? -Oh, no. It c-- it can't be.

Okay, back-back in New Zealand, I dated this girl,

-Janine... -Ew.

...and when I broke up with her, she became, like,

full-on obsessed.

Can you imagine?

I never imagine anything about you, ever.

She started following me around

and leaving me weird messages like this.

-Oh, no. -It went on for months.

I had to get a restraining order.

Do you think she followed me to the States?

That's it.

It's Jeanie.

-Janine. It's Janine. -Yeah, it's one of those two.

-Definitely. -Okay. Okay.

Well, I-I'm gonna check back home and see

if anyone's heard from her.

Wait. Noa?

Yeah.

Find her.

[exhales]: Okay.

I'm a bad guy.

Ah. What you up to, Barb?

On that camgirl grind?

I'm making sure the rocket vandal doesn't strike again.

So, that's a surveillance camera in the employee area?

Yeah, I mean, we already have them

out front and in the waiting room.

Now we're going full Big Brother, boys.

Barb, this is an invasion of privacy.

How do you think I feel, Gregg?

These are my cameras from my house.

Now I'm not gonna know what my cats are doing.

Barb, it's just a prank.

It's defacement of DMV property

and an insult to the men and women of the space program.

The cameras stay up.

Unless...

one of you would like to confess.

[quietly]: Yeah, I don't know...

Well, until someone does, I will be watching you

as closely as my doctor's watching my cholesterol.

And he is concerned. [scoffs]

-[Vic sighs] -GREGG: Okay, Vic.

I can't take my secret chair naps with Big Barb watching.

-I told you I didn't do it. -Please.

Plus, I feel for Barb.

I use my cat cam to check on Weezy.

Look at that. She's bushed.

We had a crazy game of laser chase last night.

Dude, why are you so convinced that it's me?

-Maybe it's you, Gregg. -Yeah, sure.

You are the only person in this whole building

capable of that juvenile behavior.

Okay, name one juvenile thing that I've ever done.

Sloppy Salmon. Cup of farts.

Bowl of boogies. Ham in the fax machine.

You really think that little of me?

Yeah, kinda.

[scoffs] Wow.

Okay.

Thanks, Gregg.

And B-T-dubs, it's a jar of farts.

A cup would just let them out.

[hisses]

CECI: Ma'am, you got to take the sunglasses off.

The government doesn't really care about your signature look.

Sorry, official DMV business.

Uh, I love the, I love the glasses.

Noa thinks that there's some crazy girl

out there who's obsessed with him.

Mm. Found her.

The freezer photo is a disaster, Ceci.

He found the photo.

Now he thinks his stalker's back.

Okay, well, I've got real problems to deal with.

If Barb keeps putting up these security cameras to spy on us,

I'm not gonna be able to finish my class.

What class?

Oh, I'm getting my real estate license

so I can be on Selling Sunset.

Last week, we learned "location, location,"

this week, "location, location, location."

I thought you wanted to be a pastry chef.

Mm, no, I kept losing my nails in the fondant.

-COLETTE: Oh. Hey, Noa. -Hey.

-You feeling better? -Uh, no.

But I got the keys to the security closet,

so I'm gonna check the footage for any signs of Janine.

And her forehead with my name tattooed on it.

This is great.

-This is terrible. -No, if Noa thinks

his stalker is back, you're off the hook.

COLETTE: But he looks so worried. He's gonna waste

his entire lunch hour looking through footage.

I feel so guilty.

Mm. I've got a candle for that.

-[groans] -And can you scram, little one?

Go look at the second hottest girl in the office.

That's what I'm doing.

Hot Kristen went to the bathroom.

Excuse me?

♪

[scoffs]

Look at old Huey.

Just begging for it in this one.

GREGG: Yeah, it's like they draw them with the rocket ships

and then remove them.

And this beaut's perfectly located

out of frame from Barb's cameras.

Yeah, it's like a blind spot between two prison watchtowers.

Solid nap country.

I'm gonna set up a stakeout to catch the real culprit,

and when I do, you're gonna feel so terrible

for falsely accusing me.

-Really? -Mm-hmm.

Maybe I'll join you.

Sounds good.

Great, we'll catch "him" together.

Fine.

♪

Now we just wait for the perp to come into view.

Yep. Who could it be?

[shushes]

Hey.

Hey, Colette. What's up?

I know you're worried, so I just wanted to tell you,

this exact same thing happened to me,

and it ended up being totally fine.

Someone tied a red piece of string around

a picture of you and put it in the freezer

in the break room at your place of business?

Yes. Ish.

Details were a little different, but...

Point is, no need to stress,

so let's go get smoothies at the Chevron.

I can't, I-I'm sorry.

I-I'm just really worried Janine is back.

She's not.

Who else would do this?

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe just some poor, random girl

who had a brief lapse

in otherwise pretty spectacular judgment.

Spitballing here, maybe she-- or he, let's be inclusive--

was attracted to you and then made the mistake

of listening to a coworker's advice

and now is filled with buckets of regret.

Spitball complete.

Colette, do you know something about this?

Me? N-No. And, uh, no...

Oh, my God, it was you.

Janine made me do it.

Ceci.

Look.

-[stammers] -[key clicks]

Look, she's carrying the red string.

But why? Why-why would Ceci do something like this?

This is really, uh,

hard for me to say, Noa, but, um...

...Ceci's in love with you.

Sir, no. No peace signs. No, no finger hearts, either.

[stammers] Enough with the fingers.

What are you doing? Put your hands down.

Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi.

Good news, uh, Noa no longer thinks

that his stalker ex-girlfriend is back.

Yeah, I wasn't really worried about that.

We-we-we do have un picanteissue, though.

Uh, he-he now thinks

that you're in love with him.

Which is crazy, right?

It's because I told him

that-that, that you're in love with him.

You are so lucky that I am on my healing journey,

because otherwise, it would be hoops off right now.

If he knew it was me, it would ruin any chance

-I have with him. -Oh,

and then you guys couldn't go to the farmers market together

to buy arugula? Ugh.

I don't sound like that. Oh, my God, I do.

-Okay, you know what? -Hmm?

I got you.

But you need to do something for me.

Literally anything.

Please be easy, please be easy, please be easy.

Tell everyone it was you who drew the rocket wieners.

On the posters?

Why? What do you care?

Uh, hello. No classes means

no real estate license, and that means

no Selling Sunset, which means no dating

one of the tiny little billionaires.

Everyone's gonna think I'm, like, a pervert.

Well, would you rather be a pervert

or have Noa think you're his stalker?

Why are those my choices?

Fine. You got yourself a deal, hermana.

-Mm-mm. -You were doing the white girl thing.

-Not the same. -Nope. Gotcha.

Bye.

[grunts]

Oh, no.

He struck again. We missed it.

Wow. You are unbelievable.

The lengths you'll go to deny that it's you.

What? Is there something on-- something on my face?

[groans]

You think I drew this on my own face while I was asleep?

No, I think you waited for me to fall asleep

because you saw it was the perfect alibi

for you to draw a rocket on your own face.

That's crazy.

Insane crazy.

And I'll have you know, I draw my rockets uncircumcised.

You know what? You're just like Mrs. Richards.

Ah. Mrs. Richards.

The person whose name you haven't mentioned

in all the years we've worked together.

Well, if you would ever listen to me,

you'd know that Mrs. Richards was my super smoking hot

sixth-grade teacher, and she blamed me

for letting out hundreds of crickets in the library.

And you know what? It was Toby Stevens who did that,

and I don't know who did this.

Oh, my God,

they went from raccoons to humans?

This stops now.

Everybody! Conference room.

I need an afternoon emergency dump.

A big old dump.

-Let's go. -[Gregg scoffs]

Great.

Ow. God...

-Need some help? -Yes, please.

Okay.

♪

-[indistinct chatter] -COLETTE: Hey, Noa.

Uh, Ceci, is there something you would like to say

-to Noa? -Sure.

-Mm-hmm? -I, Ceci,

put your photo in the freezer as part of a love spell

because I am madly in love with you.

Okay. Um, okay, Colette, she tipped me off,

-and, um... -Yes, I am so head over heels.

-Okay. -It is my dream to become

nothing other than Mrs....

Ceci...

-New Zealand. -COLETTE: Wow.

Look, I'm flattered. I-I truly am.

-COLETTE: Yeah. -But I'm so sorry,

I-I am with Mary.

-For now. [chuckles] -And to be completely honest,

-you're not really my type. -What the hell did you just say to me?

-I said you're not... -Did you just say that I'm not your type?

-I'm so sorry, no, no, no... -I'm sorry, do you wear glasses?

-Ceci, you're upset. -I... Mm...

I'm so upset. I am... it's just really hard

-for me to hear. -NOA: It's okay.

I understand.

-[whispers]: Thank you. -I hate you.

-Okay. -[Barb groans]

We got to stop work for this, and folks are mad.

Nobody leaves this room until the poster culprit steps forth.

Mm...

[Colette mutters]

-Oh, Colette? -Yep?

Don't you have something you would like

to share with everyone?

Uh-- yep. [sighs]

Hey, everybody, um,

it was me who drew the rocket ships.

I love me some rocket ships.

I can't get enough.

-No way. -See? I told you it wasn't me.

Please. Colette didn't do it.

She's hardly ever seen a rocket ship in her whole life.

Uh, yes, I have, Gregg.

I've seen four. And felt six.

Uh, at the Air and Space Museum?

Okay, uh, let's be for real. It's obviously Vic.

-[overlapping chatter] -I'm-I'm sick and tired

of everyone accusing me...

Am I a bit of a prankster? Sure.

-He's a man-child. It was him. -COLETTE: ...rocket ships.

-I'm obsessed with them. Gregg? -[screaming]

BARB: Here's how we're gonna settle this.

Everyone get up and go to the whiteboard

and draw a rocket ship right now.

That's right, big rockets just like the posters.

I'm talking fueled up and ready to blast. Get up!

-[Vic groans] -GREGG: Oh, my God.

Are you seriously gonna let Barb make everyone

go up there and draw a penis?

They're what?

-They're penises, Barb. -Yeah.

♪

The rock... Oh, my God.

Marker-- put your markers down. Put 'em down.

Everybody, get back to work!

-Gladly. -[laughs]: Man.

-I hope you're happy. -I am.

Hey, Colette? It's...

I-- I'm so sorry

I freaked out about the Janine of it all.

-Oh. -Bit embarrassed about that, so...

Oh, why do you feel embarrassed?

Because I want you to think I'm cool.

And I think that you're cool, so...

-Yeah. -You think that I'm cool?

I do. Yeah, of course.

-Back to work? Yeah, yeah. -Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

-I'm gonna go. Yeah. -Okay.

-Oop. I-I'll go this way. -Oh. That's... Okay.

PAUL: Three, two, one,

blast off!

[imitates explosion]

I'm gonna be an astronaut.

GREGG: Oh.

They were rockets.

I could have been wrong here.

Ya think?

I'm sorry.

How can I make it up to you?

Let me draw a rocket on your face.

No.

Aww.

Had to ask.

[whispers]: Great job, kid.

Okay, little me.

Where do we want to go next?

BARB: Oh, Helen Mirren!

Oh, my God. Barb!

Chutes and Ladders, that was weird.

Came out of nowhere.

You're too good, bruja.

You're too good.

Captioning sponsored by CBS

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org