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All language subtitles for Epstein White House Briefing Cold Open - SNL [hkF1R0oe8OA]

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,970 --> 00:00:02,690 You're watching C -SPAN. 2 00:00:02,930 --> 00:00:03,930 Thank you. 3 00:00:04,310 --> 00:00:07,890 We take you now to the White House Daily Briefing, where Press Secretary 4 00:00:07,890 --> 00:00:10,290 Caroline Leavitt is about to have a day. 5 00:00:12,150 --> 00:00:13,350 Greetings, everyone. 6 00:00:14,650 --> 00:00:15,650 How's it going? 7 00:00:16,190 --> 00:00:20,730 I am just so excited to be here and answer your friendly questions. 8 00:00:21,190 --> 00:00:23,910 As you all know, there was no news this week. 9 00:00:24,550 --> 00:00:28,810 Nothing happening with the president. No weird information was revealed. 10 00:00:29,370 --> 00:00:32,549 No one had any accusations that rhyme with edophile. 11 00:00:33,730 --> 00:00:38,290 So I'll open the floor to questions, starting with Caitlin Collins from CNN, 12 00:00:38,290 --> 00:00:39,290 I openly hate. Go ahead. 13 00:00:40,390 --> 00:00:44,570 Okay, well, I think we definitely need to start with the 20 ,000 Epstein 14 00:00:44,890 --> 00:00:48,130 Why does President Trump's name appear in so many of them? 15 00:00:49,250 --> 00:00:50,530 You know you suck, right? 16 00:00:52,640 --> 00:00:57,200 Trump has asked the DOJ to investigate Democrats' ties to Epstein, but is 17 00:00:57,200 --> 00:00:58,200 investigating Trump? 18 00:00:58,820 --> 00:01:03,300 Look, the only thing these emails prove is that President Trump did nothing 19 00:01:03,300 --> 00:01:09,220 wrong. If anything, his crime was loving too much. And possibly too young. 20 00:01:10,440 --> 00:01:13,720 Now, let's get a relevant question, Fox News. 21 00:01:14,940 --> 00:01:16,560 Unnamed black guy, Fox News. 22 00:01:17,420 --> 00:01:19,860 Is President Trump too healthy? 23 00:01:21,520 --> 00:01:22,520 Thank you. 24 00:01:23,440 --> 00:01:28,680 And yes, he got his 30th physical last week and it went great. 25 00:01:29,160 --> 00:01:33,320 He took a cognitive test and did so well, they said we'd like to see you 26 00:01:33,320 --> 00:01:34,320 as soon as possible. 27 00:01:34,840 --> 00:01:36,440 Yes, MSNBC, go ahead. 28 00:01:36,900 --> 00:01:40,420 Are you not worried about the objects of Trump giving Epstein's partner in 29 00:01:40,420 --> 00:01:42,420 crime, Delaine Maxwell, a sweetheart deal? 30 00:01:43,160 --> 00:01:48,700 Hey. Ghislaine Maxwell said in the sworn deposition she gave to Trump's friend 31 00:01:48,700 --> 00:01:51,500 that Trump always acted like a gentleman. 32 00:01:51,940 --> 00:01:55,040 And a little thing about me, I believe women. 33 00:01:57,200 --> 00:02:01,660 Now seriously, can we please move off the topic of Epstein? 34 00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:09,320 Sure. Is it true the administration secretly sent $840 million to Argentina 35 00:02:09,320 --> 00:02:10,320 pay off their debts? 36 00:02:10,880 --> 00:02:12,980 We shall return to Epstein! 37 00:02:15,549 --> 00:02:19,770 I'm sorry, but even Trump's biggest supporters think that he should release 38 00:02:19,770 --> 00:02:22,210 Epstein files. What does Trump have to hide? 39 00:02:22,630 --> 00:02:26,690 I could answer that. I am hiding almost nothing. 40 00:02:27,010 --> 00:02:33,410 Just enough to make it extremely suspicious. But let me ask you a 41 00:02:33,410 --> 00:02:37,430 there was something incriminating about me in the files, then why would I cover 42 00:02:37,430 --> 00:02:38,430 them up? 43 00:02:41,580 --> 00:02:43,900 Isn't that exactly why you would cover them up? 44 00:02:44,800 --> 00:02:49,420 Okay, let me go again. If I was innocent, wouldn't I just release all 45 00:02:51,580 --> 00:02:52,580 Yes. 46 00:02:53,280 --> 00:02:56,060 Again, I think you're agreeing with what everyone is saying. 47 00:02:56,800 --> 00:02:58,160 Okay, third time's a charm. 48 00:02:59,180 --> 00:03:03,860 Jeffrey Epstein, I barely knew the guy, okay, as evidenced by the thousands of 49 00:03:03,860 --> 00:03:07,940 pictures of us together dancing and grinding our teeth at various parties. 50 00:03:08,720 --> 00:03:13,220 Always leering and pointing at something just off camera. Probably a book we're 51 00:03:13,220 --> 00:03:14,220 excited to read. 52 00:03:15,460 --> 00:03:21,260 Okay, what about the specific email where Epstein said that Trump was the 53 00:03:21,260 --> 00:03:26,400 that hasn't barked? Okay, okay, first of all, all right, I'm not a dog. 54 00:03:26,960 --> 00:03:30,900 I'm not a dog. I'm more of a cub or possibly an otter. 55 00:03:32,140 --> 00:03:36,920 Definitely not a twink. I think that's clear. Not a twink, right? Maybe twunk. 56 00:03:37,520 --> 00:03:39,760 You know, gays have words for everything, right? Geeky. 57 00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:41,300 We like to say geeky. 58 00:03:41,980 --> 00:03:47,660 It means talking. Second, I thought Megyn Kelly made a terrific point this 59 00:03:47,720 --> 00:03:49,440 She said, Epstein's not a pedophile. 60 00:03:49,680 --> 00:03:52,400 Terrific thing to just say out of nowhere. Great job, Megyn. 61 00:03:52,880 --> 00:03:55,220 We love Megyn. They should put her back on TV. 62 00:03:55,580 --> 00:03:56,580 Legalize Megyn. 63 00:03:57,860 --> 00:04:01,620 So you said you kicked Epstein out of Mar -a -Lago, but he said he was, quote, 64 00:04:01,720 --> 00:04:02,740 never a member. 65 00:04:03,370 --> 00:04:07,390 Yeah, I said I kicked Jeffrey out because he was a pedophile. But then I 66 00:04:07,390 --> 00:04:11,570 said I didn't know he did anything wrong. So it's kind of hard to square 67 00:04:11,570 --> 00:04:15,530 circle until you realize that Trump exists across many timelines. 68 00:04:17,269 --> 00:04:19,350 It's the Trump multiverse theory. 69 00:04:20,149 --> 00:04:25,110 We just happen to be living in the worst possible one. Now, if you'll excuse me, 70 00:04:25,150 --> 00:04:30,250 I'm going to release all of the Epstein files. This is great. Each file will be. 71 00:04:30,750 --> 00:04:33,290 on sale for the low, low price of $800. 72 00:04:34,250 --> 00:04:36,670 Oh, she's pretty. Who's that? She's beautiful. 73 00:04:37,410 --> 00:04:39,110 I like that. She's nice. 74 00:04:39,490 --> 00:04:43,490 You know, this is a beautiful one -of -a -kind printed -out screenshot in very 75 00:04:43,490 --> 00:04:49,390 low res of one of the many files mentioning President Trump. It makes 76 00:04:49,390 --> 00:04:53,990 stocking stuff. I just ordered the one that says, Does Putin have the photo of 77 00:04:53,990 --> 00:04:55,830 Trump blowing Bubba? We love that. 78 00:04:56,470 --> 00:04:58,110 Whatever the hell that means. 79 00:04:59,080 --> 00:05:05,800 But I did do one very generous thing today. I pardoned a turkey, okay, who, 80 00:05:05,800 --> 00:05:09,180 complete coincidence, is a convicted sex criminal. 81 00:05:10,740 --> 00:05:13,780 So we're going to be looking into that very shortly, I can assure you that. So 82 00:05:13,780 --> 00:05:17,960 Merry Thanksgiving. We're going to be saying Merry Thanksgiving again. And 83 00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:19,260 from New York, it's... 7106