Original subtitles

Both: Jam-ba-laya!

I'm sorry I can't join you jam-ba-losers,

But I got an "f" on my history paper

And ms. Tutweiler won't let me go ashore until I rewrite it.

Well, I told you not to write your history paper about a video game.

Hey, "knights of horror" was based in the middle ages.

And I did a lot of research.

I made it all the way to level 8.

I can't believe you made it to grade 8.

Oh well. Good luck. More delicious beignets for us.

Both: Beign-yays!

There, ladies and gentlemen,

Is the wreck of the jessie belle

Which sank 150 years ago.

- All: Ooh. - Now legend says

That its infamous skipper captain entenille

Was in such a rush to get home to propose

( effeminate accent ) to his lady love jessie belle

That he misread his compass

Causing the ship to run aground on dead man's rock,

Which before that point was just called "rock."

( all laugh )

Now some say that his restless spirit

Still haunts these waters. So watch out--

The person standing next to you

- Could be a ghost. - ( all chuckle )

Not that I believe in such silliness.

- Boo! - Ahh!

Wow, you're tiny but densely packed.

- ( theme music playing ) - ♪ oh ay oh, oh ay oh ♪

♪ come along with me ♪

♪ and let's head out to see ♪

♪ what this world has ♪

♪ for you and for me now ♪

♪ whichever way the wind blows ♪

- ♪ we say... ♪ - ♪ hey-ho, let's go! ♪

- ♪ oh ay oh ♪ - ♪ this boat's rocking ♪

- ♪ oh ay oh ♪ - ♪ ain't no stopping us now ♪

♪ 'cause we're living the suite life ♪

- ♪ oh ay oh ♪ - ♪ this boat's rocking ♪

- ♪ oh ay oh ♪ - ♪ rocking the whole world round ♪

♪ and we're living the suite life now ♪

♪ hey ho! Oh ay oh ♪

♪ let's go! ♪

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So if this is new orleans, what happened to old orleans?

Did it retire?

Yes, it retired and moved to florida.

Oh. ( laughs )

- ( piano music playing ) - whoa, listen to that music.

That's weird. Uslly when I walk by moseby's cabin

I hear, "mother, for the 100th time, I'm married to my job!"

- ( london squeals ) - oh!

Mr. Moseby, you play beautifully.

Uh, playing? What playing? I wasn't playing.

There's no playing here.

Why don't you two go out and play?

Oh, you were too!

On a little tiny piano

For your little tiny doll hands!

Mr. Moseby, why haven't we heard you before?

Because I don't play in public.

Why not?

Wait for it.

It was a windy fall day.

The leaves swirled angrily outside the windows

Of miss magical's school for the musically gifted.

An eight-year-old marion moseby

Strolled confidently onto the stage.

Tragically,

As I took my introductory bow,

My trousers split

Exposing my clowny-face underpants!

( cackles )

Clowny-face underpants!

( gasps ) stop it!

- Oh. - The humiliation was so great

That I passed out onstage.

As I fell I landed on my left knee

Which also destroyed my burgeoning ballet career.

( loud crack ) ahh!

Aw.

Poor little marion--

So much promise with absolutely nothing to show for it.

If you had a 5:00 shadow and a fishing pole in your hand,

- You could be my father. - ( gasps )

Mr. Moseby, don't you miss performing?

Oh, more than anything!

But every time I try to play in front of people,

I pass out.

That happens to me every time I see bailey's ugly clothes.

You mean like this?

All right, let's see what I got so far.

"zack martin."

Oops.

M-a-r t I-n.

There we go. That's a good day's work.

All right.

What the-- "jessie belle"?

I didn't type that. Delete.

( keys clacking )

What's going on?

Okay, that was weird.

( whirrs )

Okay, now it's officially freaky.

Ah!

Hey, zack, you missed a great time in new orleans.

We had etouffee.

- E-tou-- - forget that!

There's some seriously strange stuff happening here.

Mr. Moseby was talking about some ghost captain

And I think he's haunting the ship.

He is turning off lights and turning on blenders

And typing on my computer.

Wow. He's got more skills than you do.

( both chuckle )

Hello, ladies. Ah! Goodbye, ladies.

Look, moseby, we got you a big boy piano.

See? And since no one's around,

Why don't you just give it a try?

Well, it is a beautiful instrument, isn't it?

I know! So shiny! I can see my face in it.

- I like it. - Oh.

Give it a try.

- Would you two mind turning away? - Why?

Are your clowny-face underpants coming out for an encore?

Turn around.

( playing music )

Mr. Moseby, you're doing really well.

I am, aren't I?

You know...

I bet if there was an audience here right now,

- You'd be just fine. - I know.

- No no. If there was an audience-- - oh, choo-choo!

I love playing train. It's the best!

- ( hisses ) pull the cord. - Oh! Oh oh oh!

( gasps, piano clangs )

What is it? What's the big problem?

Look at my room.

What? Your room is always a mess.

I know, but I always keep my dirty sock pile

On the left side of my bed

In case I trip while I'm on my way to the bathroom.

Oh, so you have a comfy pile of dirty socks to fall in.

Clever.

But now they're on the right.

The right!

You're not going to tell us

It's the stupid captain ghost.

Shh. Don't call him stupid. He might get angry.

Why would a ghost be haunting you?

Well, he's obviously trying to communicate with me.

- Maybe he needs my help. - Cody: Your help?

You can't even write your history paper

Or fold your own underpants.

Who folds their underpants?

I do...

Promptly after ironing them.

If there really were ghosts,

The scientific community would've discovered proof years ago.

The scientific community couldn't find a ghost.

Most of them can't even find a date.

Besides, remember when we were living at the tipton?

We saw that lady ghost jump out of that portrait.

We were hormone-crazed 12-year-old boys.

We saw women popping out of everything.

Plus you don't even have any actual evidence

- Of a ghost being here. - Oh, I'll get evidence.

I set up this camera to record everything that happens here tonight.

Oh yeah. Just what everyone wants to see--

Eight hours of you scratching your nose and picking your butt.

Actually, I pick my nose and scratch my butt.

But I'm not gonna be the only one here tonight.

'cause you two are staying here too.

Woody, stop pulling my blanket off my bed.

What? I'm not even near your bed.

Ah! Ghost ghost!

( all screaming )

- What happened? - The ghost, he pulled my blanket off my bed!

( whines ) or it fell on the floor!

No, I'll prove it to you!

The camera recorded everything.

Well, that explains my chronic childhood earache.

( both chuckle )

( whining ) bailey.

Don't go.

( mumbles ) I love lu.

- ( both chuckle ) - fast forward. Fast forward.

Ew!

Look, the only horror on this tape

Is that woody just blew his nose into your underpants.

Ah, those are the clean pile, right?

Right.

All: Innocent!

Why did we all just say "innocent"?

The ghost. He possessed us in order to communicate.

I'm scared!

Okay okay, calm down. There are plenty

Of logical scientific explanations for all of this.

For example, see, the porthole-- what?

There's a ghost!

( all scream )

- How do we get out of here?! - Through the porthole!

Go go!

Why did we let woody go first?

Both: Push! Push!

Push!

( groans ) must you wear

That hideous hat you bought in new orleans?

Hey, I love this hat.

Yes, and I love eggs benedict,

But you don't see me putting it on my head.

If there were some here, I'd put 'em on your head.

Mr. Moseby, we have a surprise for you.

Go away.

I have to get ready for the historical society's

Costume party tonight.

I know all about the hysterical party.

While we were in new orleans

We ran into a great entertainer and booked him for you.

His name is bayou bob.

The bayou bob?

He hasn't performed in years! Where did you find him?

We just ran into him on the street.

Where?

Next to the ugly hat store?

Ha ha ha! See? Told you.

Good day.

Evenin', ladies.

May I say you both look fetchin'?

You can say it, but I don't know what it means.

London, it means we look pretty.

Oh! Well, I just love this skirt.

It's a dress and a toy!

Look! Whoo!

London, why don't you just sit down?

Oh, okay.

( squeals )

All right, let's kick some ghost butt!

That is, if they have butts and our feet don't go right through 'em.

Before we kick his butt,

Let's try and capture the ghost of captain entenille

- And find out what he wants. - Alleged ghost.

Now this is a scientific mission

Which is why I brought this.

Your electric toothbrush?

It was my toothbrush.

It's now a highly sensitive energy detector.

So why do we have these vacuum cleaners?

They're not vacuum cleaners. They're extremely powerful

Ectoplasmic containment devices.

And they're great on pet hair.

All right. Fan out, men.

It's almost time for the entertainment.

- Where's bayou bob? - I don't know. He should be here any minute.

( phone rings )

- Hello? - ( gravelly voice ) is this mary anne moseby?

Yes, this is marion moseby.

- Who's this? - Bayou bob.

I'm calling you from the bayou.

Not the bayou by you. The bayou by me.

Yeah, but you should be here.

Sorry, I can't make it.

I got my foot stuck in a gator.

But I have a boatload of people

Waiting for you to perform!

Well, I understand you can really noodle the 88s.

At least that's what I heard

From that pretty little london

And her grotesque troll-like friend.

Why don't ya take my place?

Hmm, and I suppose

You'd want me to play one of your big hits.

Which one would you suggest?

( stammering ) down by the old farm--

Look, I can't remember, okay? My foot's stuck in a gator!

London, hang up the phone.

- All right. Bye you. - Oh my--

Oh! ( gasps )

Now, london, I thought you said you booked bayou bob

- For the party. - Yes.

I also told daddy you're doing a great job

- And that you look great in knee socks. I lie. - ( gasps )

( ethereal sound )

Hey, you know, you look exactly like

That captain did in the picture.

Great costume, man. Let me feel that.

Ah--

Are you the ghost of captain entenille?

What do you want with me, man?

You can't speak?

We could communicate

Through some sort of mental telepathy.

Or we could play charades.

Okay.

One word.

Uh, first syllable.

Uh, you're hot?

You're shaken. You're scared.

You see a ghost.

Wait. That'd be weird.

Come on.

"come"? Okay. First syllable's "come."

All right, go ahead.

Come throw like a girl?

I don't know, man. I pass.

"pass." come pass.

Come-- "compass"!

- Compass. - ( air whooshes )

- My toothbrush is going crazy. - ( beeping )

The ghost must be nearby.

Yeah yeah, he's right here.

You mean his picture is right here?

No, he's standing right next to the picture.

You mean right here?

- Now you're picking his nose. - Ew!

Good enough for me. Lock and load!

- ( vacuum whirrs ) - stop, you're scaring him!

- Stop it! - ( shrieks )

( woody wailing )

Ah! Ectoplasm!

I'm covered in ghost guts! ( whimpers )

That's gelatin.

Oh, that explains the banana wheels.

Okay, so I'm going over the list

Of recovered artifacts from the jessie belle

And I don't see a compass on here.

Are you sure the ghost said "compass"?

Maybe he said "hummus."

Why would there be hummus

On a 19th-century louisiana steamship?

- Uh, maybe it was greek night? - No no no.

He definitely said compass and we're gonna find it.

How are we gonna do that if it's still on the wreck?

Zack, quit messing around.

You only have half an hour of air to find that compass and get back to the ship.

And while you're at it, grab me some crawfish.

Both: Craw-fish!

- It doesn't really work. - No, not as good.

Both: Gum-bo!

- Yeah, I like that one. - If you go down on "bo"...

Should I?

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry to inform you

That bayou bob will not be performing tonight.

( passengers boo )

I'm sorry, but he got his foot stuck in a gator's mouth!

( gravelly voice ) actually, I'm right here.

Not only can I play, I can scat a little.

All right, bayou bob, now make this good.

And by good, I mean bad.

( scatting randomly, playing discordant notes )

( passengers booing )

All right, stop it, stop it!

You're damaging this beautiful instrument,

Not to mention my passengers' ears.

- ( clears throat ) - all right.

Just close your eyes and pretend you're alone.

( whispers ) yeah, okay.

( playing melody )

( giggles ) I'm doing it.

I'm playing. Ooh, and I'm still conscious!

( laughs ) that's it!

That's it! I'm back! There's no stopping me now!

- Stop it, stop it! - Oh, come on!

So I'm a little rusty! Give me a break.

Attention, historical society members, your history is all wrong.

The sinking of the jessie belle was not captain entenille's fault

- And I have proof that he was framed. - ( all gasp )

I dove down to the wreck of the jessie belle

And recovered the captain's compass.

The one he misread that caused the crash?

No no no, he did not misread it.

Somebody tampered with it. It was sabotaged.

- ( all gasp ) - if you look,

Somebody wedged a medallion in the back,

- A medallion made of iron. - ( gasps )

Who would buy jewelry made of iron?!

Iron interferes with the magnetic polarity of a compass.

- Exactly. - Who would do something like that?

The first mate corey scully.

As you can see, he's wearing the exact same medallion in this photo.

- ( all gasp ) - why would he do that?

- Well, I did a little research. - ( gasps )

It turns out that, conveniently,

First mate corey scully was the only survivor of the crash.

As soon as he returned, he proposed to none other than jessie belle.

- ( all gasp ) - please, save the rest of your gasps till the end.

Jessie rejected scully's proposal.

( gasps )

I'm sorry. Sorry, it's--

She never got over the captain.

Right. In fact, without her true love,

She never wed and she died an old maid.

Aw, just like you will, bailey.

Well, it seems like history

Owes captain entenille an apology.

Well done, zack.

Well, I think this calls for a song!

( playing music )

Zack: Wow.

That must be jessie belle.

Ah. Looking pretty good for a chick who's 140 years old.

Ah!

When are you getting off this boat?!

( music continues )

Hey guys, look! My paper says "a"

Without the words "really bad job" after it.

Well, you deserve it. You actually changed history.

Gentlemen, I need your help. There's a ghost on the sky deck.

That ghost is a dead man.

Well, technically every ghost is a dead man.

Let's roll, men!

- Where's the ghost? - Somewhere in this mess.

You'd better vacuum it all.

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