Original subtitles

[DIXIELAND MUSIC PLAYS]

[NEW SONG]

♪ THEY SAY ♪

♪ THERE’S A TREE ♪

♪ IN THE FOREST ♪

♪ A TREE ♪

♪ THAT WILL GIVE YOU ♪

♪ A SIGN ♪

♪ COME ALONG ♪

♪ WITH ME ♪

♪ TO THE SWEETHEART TREE ♪

♪ COME AND CARVE YOUR NAME ♪

♪ NEXT TO MINE ♪

♪ THEY SAY ♪

♪ IF YOU KISS ♪

♪ THE RIGHT SWEETHEART ♪

♪ THE ONE ♪

♪ YOU’VE BEEN WAITING FOR ♪

♪ BIG BLOSSOMS ♪

♪ OF WHITE ♪

♪ WILL BURST INTO SIGHT ♪

♪ AND YOUR LOVE WILL BE TRUE ♪

♪ EVERMORE ♪

[DRUMS PLAY]

[MARCH SONG PLAYS]

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.

[AUDIENCE BOOING AND HISSING]

[CHEERING]

[BOOING]

[CHEERING]

[WHISTLES AND CHEERS]

[AIRPLANE BUZZES]

[FANFARE]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

YOU ARE ABOUT TO WITNESS

THE MOST SPECTACULAR FEAT EVER ATTEMPTED

BY THE GREATEST DAREDEVIL IN THE WORLD--

THE GREAT LESLIE.

HE WILL BE STRAPPED IN A STRAITJACKET

BEFORE YOUR VERY EYES

AND LIFTED UP INTO THE CLOUDS

WHERE EAGLES SOAR

AND NO SPARROW DARES TO VENTURE.

MISS, LET GO. LET GO. PLEASE, MA’AM.

LET GO, LET GO. PLEASE LET GO.

HA HA HA.

TO WORK. TO WORK, MAX.

UP, UP, UP.

HEY!

TERRIFIC! BULL’S-EYE!

THERE’S A HOLE IN THE BALLOON.

AAH! AAH!

TERRIFIC! HA HA HA!

TERRIFIC!

HE’LL NEVER MAKE IT.

HE’LL NEVER MAKE IT.

A PARACHUTE. A PARACHUTE.

A PARACHUTE!

A PARACHUTE!

WHAT?

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

YOU ARE ABOUT TO WITNESS A FEAT SO DANGEROUS

THAT ONLY ONE MAN WOULD DARE ATTEMPT IT--

THE MAGNIFICENT PROFESSOR FATE.

ATTACH THE HOOKS.

THE PROFESSOR WILL DEFY DEATH

AS HIS ASSISTANT SWOOPS DOWN FROM THE SKY,

SNARES THE PROFESSOR ON THE GROUND,

AND LIFTS HIM INTO THE AIR.

CONTACT.

SWITCH ON.

UP, MAX.

BRING IT UP.

COMING UP.

MAX, UP, YOU IDIOT!

UP!

SHE’S UP!

MAX!

UP, YOU IDIOT! UP!

TOO MUCH WEIGHT!

MAAAAXXXX!

I’D LIKE TO SEE THE GREAT LESLIE TRY THAT ONE.

AFTER TODAY,

YOU WILL HAVE BROKEN PRACTICALLY

EVERY EXISTING SPEED RECORD.

WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS FOR THE FUTURE?

THAT DEPENDS ON HOW SUCCESSFUL I AM TODAY.

GENTLEMEN, WILL YOU EXCUSE ME, PLEASE?

BE CAREFUL, YOU IDIOT.

YOU’LL BLOW US BOTH TO KINGDOM COME.

AH. HE’S GETTING IN THE BOAT.

YOU SURE YOU TESTED THE MECHANISM?

I’M TELLING YOU, YOU CAN’T MISS.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS THROW THE SWITCH,

AND THEN IT HONES IN ON THE LOUDEST ENGINE NOISE.

IT’S TERRIFIC.

YOU SEE? IT’S PICKED UP LESLIE’S BOAT.

HA HA HA.

SO LONG, LESLIE!

AWAY!

[ENGINE BACKFIRES]

[ENGINE BACKFIRES]

[BACKFIRING CONTINUES]

[BOOM]

HEY, LOOK.

YEAH. LOOK AT THAT.

GOLLY.

LOOK AT THAT FUNNY--

GET AWAY FROM THE ROCKET!

GENTLEMEN,

I INTEND TO COVER THE MEASURED MILE

IN APPROXIMATELY 12 SECONDS.

[CROWD LAUGHS]

ACTIVATE THE ROCKETS.

PROFESSOR.

150.

250.

HA HA! I’LL GO DOWN IN HISTORY.

300.

THEY’LL ERECT A MONUMENT TO ME!

I’VE DONE IT.

PROFESSOR.

WHAT?

PROFESSOR.

[ENGINE STOPS]

AAH! AAH!

[CRASH]

[COW MOOS]

WELL, THERE’S ANOTHER ONE

LESLIE CAN TRY ON FOR SIZE.

GENTLEMEN...

I’VE REQUESTED THIS MEETING

IN ORDER TO MAKE YOU A PROPOSITION.

IN MY OPINION,

YOUR COMPANY MANUFACTURES

THE FINEST AUTOMOBILE IN THE WORLD.

THE AUTOMOBILE REPRESENTS PROGRESS

IN THE MOST PROFOUND SENSE OF THE WORD...

THE ULTIMATE EXAMPLE

OF AMERICAN INGENUITY AND ENTERPRISE.

THIS GREAT NATION CANNOT TAKE A BACK SEAT

TO COMPETITORS LIKE DAIMLER, MERCEDES,

NAPIER, ROLLS-ROYCE, DeDEDRICK, OR PANHARD.

GENTLEMEN...

I PROPOSE TO PROVE

THAT THE AMERICAN AUTOMOBILE--

YOUR AUTOMOBILE--

IS WITHOUT PEERS.

AHEM.

AND, UH, JUST HOW DO YOU PROPOSE

TO PROVE THAT, SIR?

A RACE.

REALLY, SIR, YOU, UH, SURPRISE ME.

AUTOMOBILE RACES

ARE BECOMING MOST COMMONPLACE.

I MEAN A LONG RACE,

A VERY LONG RACE.

BUFFALO TO ALBANY. IT’S BEEN DONE.

CHICAGO TO CLEVELAND. THAT’S BEEN DONE.

NEW YORK...

TO PARIS.

NEW YORK TO PARIS?

YOU MUST BUILD AN AUTOMOBILE

TO THE MOST PRECISE SPECIFICATIONS.

NO.

NO.

ABSOLUTELY NO.

FOR A COMPANY OF THIS REPUTE,

A GREAT COMPANY THE LIKES OF THIS,

ENTRUSTING ITS ENTIRE AUTOMOBILE FUTURE

TO THE MAN THE LIKES OF LESLIE,

IT’S DISREPUTABLE.

A CHEAP CARNIVAL PERFORMER,

A FRAUD, A TRICKSTER.

AAH! AAH! AAH!

A MADMAN.

OH, I APOLOGIZE. LOOK! LOOK!

I THOUGHT YOU WERE SOMEONE ELSE.

PULLIN’ IT OUT BY THE ROOTS,

YOU SEE? I WARNED YOU.

THE MADMAN. DID YOU SEE HIM TRY

TO PULL ME BEARD OUT BY THE ROOTS?

LESLIE WILL LOSE.

YOUR AUTOMOBILE WILL LOSE.

I WILL WIN.

HEE HA HA HA HA!

HE JUMPED.

I SHALL BUILD THE GREATEST AUTOMOBILE IN THE WORLD,

AND I SHALL WIN.

O.K., PROFESSOR!

THIS TIME IT WILL NOT BE LESLIE!

IT WILL BE I, PROFESSOR FATE!

FATE THE MAGNIFICENT!

NO!

AND IT IS WITH NO LITTLE PRIDE

THAT THE WEBBER MOTOR CAR COMPANY

UNVEILS ITS LATEST AND GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT.

GENTLEMEN...

BEHOLD THE MOTOR CAR OF THE FUTURE.

WHAT A CAR.

HOLY TOLEDO. LOOK AT THAT CAR.

YES. IT’S QUITE A CAR.

I NEVER SAW A CAR LIKE THAT IN MY LIFE.

AS YOU NEVER WILL AGAIN EITHER.

GIVE ME THE BOMB.

THE BOMB, THE BOMB.

PROFESSOR, BE CAREFUL.

AFTER YOU ACTIVATE THE MECHANISM,

YOU ONLY GOT 10 SECONDS.

I KNOW THAT. I KNOW THAT.

GIVE ME THE CORD.

[TICKING]

AAH!

NO!

GET IT! GET IT!

WE, UH, HAVE TAKEN THE LIBERTY

OF NAMING IT AFTER THE MAN

WHO INSPIRED ITS CREATION.

THE LESLIE SPECIAL.

I’M DEEPLY HONORED.

[BOOM]

HA HA HA HA HA!

AHH.

[KNOCK]

[KNOCK]

[KNOCK]

[KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK]

[BAM]

OH!

WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?

I HAD TO GO TO THE ROLLS-ROYCE AGENCY.

I HAD TO STEAL A SPARE MAGNETO.

OH, GOOD.

IT’S READY.

YES.

YES, IT’S READY.

THERE HAS NEVER BEEN ANYTHING LIKE THIS.

PROFESSOR, YOUR GREATEST CREATION.

GENIUS.

WORK OF GENIUS.

THE FINEST PARTS

FROM THE GREATEST AUTOMOBILES IN THE WORLD.

THE HANNIBAL TWIN-8.

AND WHEN IT COMES TO THE BLIZZARDS AND THE SNOWSTORMS,

WE WILL CONTINUE ON JUST AS PLANNED.

PUSH THE BUTTON, MAX.

HA HA HA HA HA!

HA HA HA HA HA!

WHEN THE RAINS COME AND WHEN THE SNOW MELTS,

WE SHALL CONTINUE TO RISE ABOVE IT.

PUSH THE BUTTON, MAX.

AH, NATURE WILL CHASE US.

WE WILL BEAT HER. AND BRIGANDS, THIEVES,

CUTTHROATS OF ALL NATIONS MAY HOUND US,

BUT WE ARE READY FOR THEM.

WE WILL BLAST THEM TO KINGDOM COME.

WE CAN MELT. WE CAN BLAST.

WE CAN RISE ABOVE.

WE ARE INVINCIBLE!

HA HA HA! TAKE US DOWN.

PUSH THE BUTTON, MAX.

MAAAAXXXX!

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

YES?

MR. GOODBODY.

WHAT IS IT, FRISBEE?

YOU’VE GOTTA COME RIGHT AWAY.

WHAT’S THE MATTER?

WELL, IT’S A YOUNG LADY, SIR.

WHAT ABOUT THE YOUNG LADY?

SHE’S HANDCUFFED HERSELF TO THE DOOR.

HANDCUFFED HERSELF TO THE DOOR?

OF THE MEN’S ROOM.

WHAT?

EXCUSE ME, SIR.

GENTLEMEN.

GENTLEMEN.

GENTLEMEN, GENTLEMEN, GENTLEMEN.

GENTLEMEN, GENTLEMEN, GENTLEMEN.

RETURN TO YOUR ASSIGNMENTS. THIS IS A NEWSPAPER OFFICE.

THIS IS A NEWSPAPER OFFICE.

THERE WILL BE NO LOLLYGAGGING

IN THIS HALLWAY.

THERE’LL BE NO LOLLYGAGGING IN THIS HALLWAY.

FRISBEE. YES, SIR.

NOW, YOUNG LADY, WHO ARE YOU?

I’M A FEMALE PAST THE AGE OF CONSENT.

I WAS THE FIRST WOMAN

TO EDIT THE NEWSPAPER AT MY COLLEGE.

AND I SHALL REMAIN HANDCUFFED TO THIS DOOR

UNTIL I BECOME THE FIRST FEMALE REPORTER

OF THE NEW YORK SENTINEL.

OVER MY DEAD BODY.

UNLOCK THOSE HANDCUFFS AND GET OUT.

I WILL UNLOCK THE HANDCUFFS

WHEN YOU GIVE ME THE JOB.

NEVER.

NEVER?

NEVER.

BUT, SIR, IF SHE REMAINS HERE,

HANDCUFFED TO THE MEN’S ROOM,

THE MEN... THE MEN--

THE MEN MAY USE THE WASHROOM ON THE NEXT FLOOR.

OH, SIR.

THEY CAN’T KEEP RUNNING UPSTAIRS FOREVER.

THEY CAN UNTIL YOU GET HUNGRY.

OH, THAT WOULD MAKE QUITE A STORY

FOR YOUR COMPETITION.

"WOMAN STARVES TO DEATH

IN THE MEN’S ROOM OF THE NEW YORK SENTINEL.

YOU WOULDN’T DARE.

I WOULD DARE ANYTHING FOR WOMEN’S RIGHTS.

HA!

HA!

GIVE ME AN ASSIGNMENT.

IF I FAIL, FIRE ME.

YOU’RE FIRED.

FRISBEE, POST A BULLETIN.

SUFFRAGETTES ARE NOT PERMITTED.

LET ME COVER THE GREAT RACE.

IT’S BEING COVERED BY EXPERIENCED REPORTERS.

NO. I MEAN REALLY COVER IT,

FROM START TO FINISH.

MILE BY MILE.

REPORTERS ARE NOT PERMITTED ON THE TRIP.

ONLY CONTESTANTS. THOSE ARE THE RULES.

BREAK THEM.

WE ARE RUNNING A NEWSPAPER,

NOT A SCHOOL FOR REVOLUTIONARIES.

ENTER THE RACE. ENTER YOUR OWN CAR.

WE ARE RUNNING A NEWSPAPER, A NEWSPAPER,

NOT AN AUTOMOTIVE AGENCY!

ARE YOU AFRAID OF LOSING?

GIVE ME THE MONEY, AND I WILL ENTER THE RACE.

I DESPISE SUFFRAGETTES.

OH, I AM NOT JUST TRYING

TO GET THE VOTE FOR WOMEN.

I AM OUT TO EMANCIPATE THEM

FROM THE DRUDGERY

OF BEING EITHER SERVANTS OR SAINTS.

OUT OF THE LAUNDRY ROOMS

AND OFF THE PEDESTALS!

YOU’RE MAD, YOUNG WOMAN.

YOU’RE MAD.

AND YOU, SIR, ARE A SLAVE TO YOUR PURITANISM.

DOES YOUR WIFE WEAR SILK STOCKINGS?

AH! I WON’T DISCUSS SUCH AN INTIMATE SUBJECT.

SHE DOES, AND THEY’RE VERY EXPENSIVE.

BUT HAS SHE EVER RAISED HER SKIRT FOR YOU

AND SHOWN HER CALF?

A WOMAN’S LEG IN A SILK STOCKING

CAN BE QUITE ALLURING.

SHH! MISS... MAGGIE DUBOIS.

I CAN SEE YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN

A WOMAN’S LEG IN A SILK STOCKING.

NEVER, NEVER IN YOUR WHOLE LIFE.

FRISBEE, LEAVE THE ROOM.

YES, SIR.

WELL?

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?

COME ON. THERE ISN’T ANYTHING

MEN AND WOMEN CAN’T DISCUSS

IF THEY ARE CIVILIZED AND MATURE

AND EMANCIPATED.

ANYTHING?

YOU SEE, YOU CAN’T DISCUSS IT,

AND THAT’S THE PROBLEM.

WOMEN HAVE TO EMANCIPATE THEMSELVES

IN ORDER TO EMANCIPATE MEN

SO THEY CAN EMANCIPATE EACH OTHER

WHERE IT COUNTS THE MOST.

$50 FOR EVERY EXCLUSIVE STORY

OF THE RACE I SEND BACK

AND $100 FOR EVERY PHOTOGRAPH.

YOU’RE A FINE MAN.

A TIMID MAN,

BUT A WORTHWHILE ONE.

HAVE A CIGAR.

HUH?

DON’T SMOKE?

HUH?

THE SENTINEL WILL SCOOP THE WORLD.

[WHISTLES]

MAN THE HELM!

AYE, AYE, SIR.

UP PERISCOPE.

UP PERISCOPE!

AH.

HEH HEH HEH HEH HA HA HA!

GOOD AFTERNOON.

GOOD AFTERNOON.

I DON’T KNOW WHAT SHE’S DOING HERE, BOSS.

SHE SAYS SHE’S A WOMAN WITH A MISSION.

BUT I THINK SHE’S A SPY FOR PROFESSOR FATE.

SURELY YOU’RE NOT SUGGESTING THAT I’M THE FIRST WOMAN

EVER TO SEEK AN AUDIENCE WITH THE GREAT LESLIE?

I’M SIMPLY LESLIE, AND I’M AT YOUR SERVICE.

I’M RATHER THIRSTY.

DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING COLD?

I HAVE CHAMPAGNE.

DOWN PERISCOPE!

AYE, AYE, SIR.

AAH! OH! AH!

UP!

UP, IDIOT! UP! UP!

UP! UP! UP! UP!

UP. AHH.

AAH!

DOWN! DOWN!

I GOT YOU! I GOT YOU!

I GOT YOU! YOU ALL RIGHT?

THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE MECHANISM.

AAH! DOWN, YOU IDIOT!

RELEASE YOUR FEET! RELEASE YOUR FEET!

YOU HAVE TO BE CAREFUL.

YOU HAVE A BRAIN THE SIZE OF A CARBUNCLE!

GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE LESLIE SPOTS US.

GETTING OUT!

DIVE! CRASH DIVE!

CRASH DIVE.

[HORN SOUNDS]

OW! AAH!

WAIT! WAIT! WAIT, PROFESSOR!

PROFESSOR! COMING UP!

♪ MY DESERT IS WAITING ♪

♪ DEAR, COME THERE WITH ME ♪

♪ I’M LONGING TO TEACH YOU ♪

♪ LOVE’S SWEET MELODY ♪

♪ I’LL SING A DREAM SONG TO YOU ♪

[POP]

♪ PAINTING A PICTURE FOR TWO ♪

♪ BLUE HEAVEN AND YOU AND I ♪

♪ AND SAND KISSING A MOONLIT SKY ♪

♪ THE DESERT BREEZE WHISPERING ♪

♪ A LULLABY ♪

♪ ONLY STARS ABOVE YOU ♪

♪ TO SEE I LOVE YOU ♪

♪ OH, GIVE ME THAT NIGHT DIVINE... ♪

I’M A REPORTER.

A REPORTER?

YOU DISAPPROVE?

AHEM.

NO.

LET’S SAY I’M A BIT SURPRISED.

WELL, LET’S BE HONEST AND SAY YOU DISAPPROVE.

A WOMAN DOING A MAN’S JOB IS COMPETITIVE,

BOTH SEXUALLY AND ECONOMICALLY.

YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY I’M HERE.

I WANT TO REPORT THE RACE,

AND I WANT TO BE IN IT.

IT’S AS SIMPLE AS THAT.

WELL, IT’S HARDLY THAT SIMPLE, BUT, UH...

LET’S DISCUSS IT, SHALL WE?

ALL RIGHT. LET’S DISCUSS THE WHOLE THING

FULLY AND COMPLETELY RIGHT FROM THE BEGINNING.

DO YOU WANT A WIFE, A COMPANION...

OR JUST A WOMAN?

THERE ARE CERTAIN THINGS WE SHOULDN’T DISCUSS.

WHY? MEN DISCUSS THEIR RELATIONSHIPS WITH WOMEN.

GENTLEMEN DON’T.

BUT I’M NOT A GENTLEMAN.

I’M A WOMAN.

INDEED YOU ARE.

THEN SAY IT.

WHAT’S EXPECTED OF ME?

I’M AN EMANCIPATED WOMAN,

AND YOU’RE AN EMANCIPATED MAN.

THERE ARE CERTAIN THINGS THAT SHOULD REMAIN IMPLICIT

BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN.

WHY?

BECAUSE THAT’S THE WAY IT’S BEEN FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS.

AND I SEE NO REASON TO CHANGE.

I AM A CREATURE OF HABIT.

ALL THE MORE REASON.

NOW YOU’RE USING YOUR FEMALE ATTRACTIVENESS AS A WEAPON.

EQUALITY, REAL EQUALITY

OF THE SEXES BOTHERS YOU.

DOESN’T IT?

I CAN SPEAK, READ, AND WRITE RUSSIAN,

FRENCH, AND ARABIC.

SO CAN I, PLUS FIVE OTHER LANGUAGES.

I CAN DRIVE ANY CAR THERE IS.

SO CAN HEZEKIAH.

I WON THE WOMAN’S INTERNATIONAL FENCING COMPETITION.

EN GARDE!

[SLASHES TENT]

VERY WELL.

UHH!

NOW, IF YOU’D WON

THE MEN’S INTERNATIONAL FENCING COMPETITION...

WAIT!

[CLICK]

NOW WE’LL TALK THIS OUT.

MM!

MM!

MM.

MM...

[CLICK]

NOW, IF YOU’LL EXCUSE ME...

OHH! OH! OH, YOU...

HEZEKIAH, WILL YOU SEE MISS DUBOIS

TO HER HORSE, PLEASE?

YOU’RE AFRAID! YOU’RE AFRAID OF A REAL WOMAN!

ALL RIGHT, LADY. LET’S GO.

I’LL SHOW YOU! I’LL ENTER THE RACE MYSELF!

I’LL ENTER MY OWN CAR,

AND I’LL BEAT YOU!

AND ANOTHER THING--

PROFESSOR...

DINNER IS SERVED.

[MUSIC CONTINUES TO PLAY]

[BELL RINGS]

[MAX] WHO IS IT?

I WISH TO SEE PROFESSOR FATE.

I’M A REPORTER FOR THE SENTINEL.

BEAT IT, LITTLE GIRL.

I’LL SIC THE DOGS ON YOU.

[BELL RINGS]

WHO WAS THAT?

KIDS. JUST KIDS. MORE KIDS.

STUPID KIDS.

DO YOU WANT ME TO FEED YOU?

AHEM.

[DOGS BARKING]

LISTEN TO THAT.

OUT BACK BY THE GARAGE! THE CAR! HURRY UP!

HEY!

CAR!

HELP!

OHH! HELP!

YOU’RE SURE YOU LOCKED THE DOOR?

I’M POSITIVE.

BE CAREFUL. IF YOU OPEN THE DOOR ONE INCH,

IT SETS OFF THE ALARM.

I KNOW THAT.

HELP! HELP! [ALARM SOUNDS]

GET AWAY! GET AWAY!

HELP!

GET HIM OFF!

NO! HELP!

HELP! GET ME DOWN!

HELP!

HERE, PUPPY.

GET AWAY, YOU IDIOT.

GET ME DOWN! HELP!

GET ME DOWN!

MAAAAXXXX!

OUT! OUT! AND STAY OUT!

WAIT! I’LL EXPOSE YOU!

I’M A MEMBER OF--

I SAID OUT!

AND STAY OUT!

A POX ON YOU!

[SHOUTING OVER ONE ANOTHER]

WHAT ARE YOU KICKING THE PROFESSOR FOR?

STOP IT! YOU HEAR ME?

PUT UP YOUR DUKES!

COME ON!

YOU’RE A LUNATIC! A LUNATIC!

YOU CAN’T TALK TO ME THAT WAY!

I’M A MEMBER OF THE PRESS!

GET OFF THE CAR, PLEASE.

JUST GET OFF THE CAR.

GET YOUR HANDS OFF!

GET AWAY FROM THERE!

GET YOUR HANDS AWAY FROM THERE.

GET OFF OF THIS CAR!

GET AWAY FROM THIS CAR!

GET AWAY FROM THERE! GET AWAY FROM THERE!

HOLD IT!

THAT’S IT.

MOVE!

GET AWAY FROM THE CAR!

HOLD IT!

THAT’S IT.

EVERYTHING IS READY?

EVERYTHING IS READY.

HOLD IT!

JUST STAY AWAY FROM THE AUTOMOBILE.

I’LL SIGN IT FOR YOU.

I CHECKED EVERYTHING OVER TWICE.

WE’RE READY TO GO.

VERY GOOD.

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?

I’M AN OFFICIAL ENTRY.

OFFICIAL ENTRY?

REPRESENTING THE SENTINEL.

WHAT?

SINCE IT IS MY JOB AS A REPORTER

TO BE THERE WHEN THE FIRST CAR CROSSES THE FINISH LINE,

IT WILL BE NECESSARY FOR ME TO WIN.

IMAGINE THAT CRAZY FEMALE.

SHE WON’T EVEN GET AS FAR AS ALBANY

IN THAT STEAMER.

DON’T BET ON IT.

THAT’S A VERY DETERMINED YOUNG LADY, HEZEKIAH.

GOOD MORNING.

GOOD MORNING, HESTER.

GOOD MORNING, MAGGIE.

HAVE A CIGAR.

HESTER. THANK YOU.

I WANT TO THANK YOU AGAIN

FOR THIS OPPORTUNITY, MR. GOODBODY.

I HAD VERY LITTLE CHOICE AFTER YOUR CONVERSATION WITH MY WIFE.

HENRY, IF YOU CAN’T BE MORE GRACIOUS, SHUT UP.

IT’S A GREAT DAY FOR THE CAUSE, MAGGIE.

IT IS INDEED, HESTER.

[FANFARE]

DRIVERS, TO YOUR CARS!

HEZEKIAH.

BOSS.

COME ON, MAX!

GOOD LUCK, MAGGIE.

THANK YOU.

MAX!

COME ON, MAX!

MAX!

ALL SET.

[STARTER’S GUN GOES OFF]

ARE YOU SURE YOU TOOK CARE OF EVERYTHING?

JUST KEEP YOUR EYE ON CAR NUMBER 2.

NOW, AT APPROXIMATELY THE 50-MILE MARK,

CAR NUMBER 3, IT LOSES ITS TRANSMISSION.

IN ABOUT 5 SECONDS, CAR NUMBER 4 BITES THE DUST.

GENIUS, MAX. POSITIVE GENIUS.

WHAT’S NEXT?

CAR NUMBER 5. THE ENGINE FALLS OUT.

CAR NUMBER 5! HA HA HA HA.

MAX...

WE’RE NUMBER 5.

THAT’S NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN TO NUMBER 6!

I FIXED IT SO THE WHEELS WOULD COME OFF!

SMOKE! GET THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER!

SMOKE! FIRE! I GOT THE EXTINGUISHER!

FIRE EXTINGUISHER!

SMOKE!

COMING THROUGH! I GOT IT!

I GOT IT!

ALL RIGHT! I THINK WE GOT IT IN TIME!

I THINK WE GOT IT.

I THINK WE GOT IT NOW, PROFESSOR.

O.K. SHE’S OUT.

WHERE ARE YOU?

WHERE ARE YOU?

TO YOUR RIGHT.

[CAR APPROACHES]

HOLD IT!

THAT WAS A PIGEON.

[SPRAYING FOAM]

OH! OH!

♪ MINE EYES HAVE SEEN THE GLORY ♪

♪ OF THE COMING OF THE LORD ♪

♪ HE IS TRAMPLING OUT THE VINTAGE ♪

♪ WHERE THE GRAPES... ♪

GET THE BIRD.

Y-Y-YES, SIR.

COME HERE, BIRD.

HURRY UP, WILL YOU, FRISBEE?

I’M HURRYING. BIRD...

FRISBEE, JUST GET THE BIRD.

♪ GLORY, GLORY, HALLELUJAH ♪

DON’T LOLLYGAG OUT THERE. JUST GET THE BIRD.

I GOT HIM. I GOT HIM, SIR.

FRISBEE...

FRISBEE, FRISBEE.

YES, I GOT THE BIRD.

JUST HOLD... FRISBEE.

FRISBEE. FRISBEE. JUST BE QUIET.

PLEASE TRY TO SAVE ME, SIR.

BE STEADY, FRISBEE.

JUST BE STEADY.

BLESS YOU, SIR.

BE STEADY. BE QUIET NOW, FRISBEE.

THANK YOU, SIR.

AND IT’S ORGANIZATIONS LIKE THE SENTINEL

THAT WE MUST DEAL WITH FIRST.

WHY, AT THIS VERY MOMENT,

THE EDITOR SITS BEHIND HIS DESK...

AAH!

FRISBEE, NEXT TIME, BE MORE CAREFUL.

YOU FEEL YOURSELF FALLING,

LET GO OF THE BIRD.

"SENTINEL CAR TAKES LEAD

APPROXIMATELY 600 MILES WEST OF CHICAGO."

FRISBEE!

AAH!

WELL, THAT SHOULD PUT US ABOUT HERE.

OOH!

FAREWELL!

HEZEKIAH, SEE WHAT’S WRONG WITH THE CAR.

OH. YEAH.

OHH...

OH, I MUST HAVE FAINTED.

PERFECTLY NATURAL IN THIS HEAT.

THANK YOU FOR STOPPING.

MY PLEASURE.

MAY I OFFER YOU SOME WATER?

OH, NO, I’M MUCH BETTER NOW, THANK YOU.

HEZEKIAH, CAN SHE BE FIXED?

NOT A CHANCE, BOSS.

HMM...

WELL, I GUESS THAT’S THE END OF THAT.

I KNOW HOW DISAPPOINTED YOU MUST BE,

BUT IT’S AMAZING YOU WERE ABLE TO ACCOMPLISH WHAT YOU DID.

YOU MEAN AMAZING BECAUSE I’M A WOMAN.

THE STEAMER IS A FAST, SPORTY, ATTRACTIVE AUTOMOBILE,

DESIGNED FOR CITY DRIVING AND COUNTRY PICNICS.

YOU’RE LUCKY IT DIDN’T BLOW UP ON YOU.

IT’S REALLY AMAZING THAT ANYONE WAS ABLE TO GO THIS FAR.

I CONGRATULATE YOU,

NOT AS A WOMAN BUT AN INTREPID AUTOIST.

YOU MEAN AN INTREPID WOMAN AUTOIST.

A RATHER DUBIOUS HONOR,

WHEN YOU CONSIDER THE ACCOMPLISHMENT

IS PREDICATED ON THE FACT

THAT YOU CHOSE THE WRONG AUTOMOBILE.

AH! BUT THE CHOICE WAS NOT MINE.

MY EDITOR, A MAN, MADE THE ARRANGEMENTS.

YOUR EDITOR’S SOMETHING LESS THAN AN AUTHORITY

ON AUTOMOBILES,

BUT YOU, ON THE OTHER HAND, CLAIMED FULL KNOWLEDGE

OF THE AUTO AND ITS WORKINGS.

SO?

SO, BEING A WOMAN, YOU CHOSE TO IGNORE

THE PRACTICAL EVIDENCE, ACTED EMOTIONALLY,

ENTERED THE RACE

KNOWING FULL WELL THAT YOU COULDN’T POSSIBLY FINISH.

OH, I’LL FINISH.

MAY I ASK HOW?

NO, YOU MAY NOT ASK HOW, BUT I’LL FINISH.

I MAY NOT STILL BE AN OFFICIAL ENTRY,

BUT I WILL RECORD EVERY FOOT OF THIS RACE.

I’LL GET ANOTHER CAR.

FROM WHERE?

I DON’T KNOW.

IF I DON’T, I’LL GET SOMETHING ELSE.

I’LL FIND A WAY, EVEN IF I HAVE TO WALK.

WELL, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

EVERY MINUTE WASTED IS ANOTHER MILE FOR PROFESSOR FATE.

ALL RIGHT.

WE’LL TAKE YOU AS FAR AS BORACHO,

WHERE I PICK UP SOME GASOLINE.

PERFECT.

FROM THERE, YOU’RE ON YOUR OWN.

THANK YOU. MY LUGGAGE, PLEASE.

NOW WAIT A MINUTE.

HEZEKIAH, THE LADY’S LUGGAGE, PLEASE.

HUH?

[WHOOPING]

PROFESSOR! WE’RE BEING ATTACKED!

SMOKE SCREEN, MAX. GIVE THEM THE SMOKE SCREEN.

SMOKE SCREEN!

NO, YOU IDIOT! THE SMOKE SCREEN!

PUSH THE BUTTON, MAX!

SMOKE SCREEN!

[COUGHING]

HERE THEY COME!

YEE-HOO!

GET IT DOWN! GET IT DOWN!

TAKE COVER, YOU FOOLS!

TAKE COVER! INDIANS!

SAVAGES!

START A POSSE!

SAVAGES BEHIND US!

FIRE AWAY!

SAVAGES ATTACKING US.

OUT OF MY WAY, MAN.

TAKE COVER!

WELCOME TO BORACHO.

YES, THANK YOU. INDIANS, SAVAGES ATTACKING US.

RIGHT BEHIND US! AN ATTACK!

WHAT’S FUNNY?

THEM WAS JUST THE SHERIFF

AND SOME OF THE MEN

DRESSED UP LIKE INDIANS.

WHY, THEY DONE RODE OUT TO WELCOME YOU.

THAT’S VERY REASSURING, MR. MAYOR.

NOW IF YOU’LL JUST SHOW US WHERE THE GASOLINE IS,

WE’LL BE ON OUR WAY.

ON YOUR WAY?

YOU CAN’T GO NOW.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE CAN’T GO NOW?

GOT TO HAVE GAS. GAS, GAS, GAS!

YOU’RE THE GUEST OF HONOR.

BUT I DON’T WANT TO BE A GUEST OF HONOR!

I’VE GOT TO PRESENT YOU

WITH THIS HERE KEY TO THE CITY.

DON’T WANT A KEY. WANTS GAS. GAS!

AS MAYOR OF BORACHO--

I WANT GAS, AND I WANT IT NOW!

YOU AIN’T GOING TO GET NO GAS TILL TOMORROW.

TOMORROW? TOMORROW?

YOU’RE GOING TO ACCEPT THIS HERE KEY,

YOU’RE GOING TO ATTEND THAT MEETING TONIGHT,

OR BY JUMPED-UP HARRY,

YOU’RE GOING TO BE GUEST OF HONOR

AT A NECKTIE PARTY.

NECKTIE? WHAT KIND OF CHEAP PRESENT IS THAT?

YOU LISTEN TO ME,

YOU CHEAP, MEALY-MOUTH, THIRD-RATE WARD-HEALER--

SOMEBODY GET ME A ROPE!

YOU WANT A ROPE? I GOT A ROPE IN THE CAR.

A ROPE! DRIVE!

SOMEBODY GET ME A ROPE!

HURRY UP! THEY’RE LEAVING!

THEY’RE LEAVING!

GET ME A ROPE, SOMEBODY! GET ME A ROPE!

YOU GOING TO GIVE US ANY TROUBLE?

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

WE BEEN PLANNING THIS HERE SHINDIG FOR OVER A WEEK.

NOW, DO WE STRING UP THE BUNCH OF YOU,

OR ARE YOU GONNA COOPERATE AND BE THE GUEST OF HONOR?

UH, GENTLEMEN, I GREET YOU

WITH CORDIALITY AND GOOD CHEER,

AND IT’S A PLEASURE

TO BE ACCORDED THIS GREAT HONOR.

THERE’S A BIG CELEBRATION TONIGHT.

YOU AIN’T GOING TO GET NO GAS TILL TOMORROW.

MY FRIENDS AND I

LOOK FORWARD TO YOUR CELEBRATION

AND THE HOSPITALITY

OF YOUR CHARMING COMMUNITY.

[CHEERING]

♪ IT LOOKS TO ME ♪

♪ LIKE A BIG NIGHT TONIGHT ♪

♪ BIG NIGHT TONIGHT ♪

♪ BIG NIGHT TONIGHT ♪

♪ WELL, WHEN THE OLD CAT’S AWAY ♪

♪ ALL THE MICE WANT TO PLAY ♪

♪ AND IT LOOKS LIKE A BIG NIGHT TONIGHT ♪

♪ TONIGHT ♪

♪ TONIGHT ♪

♪ WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE A BIG NIGHT TONIGHT ♪

♪ WELL, WHEN THE OLD CAT’S AWAY ♪

♪ ALL THE MICE WANT TO PLAY ♪

♪ AND IT LOOKS LIKE A BIG NIGHT TONIGHT ♪

♪ HEY ♪

♪ IT LOOKS TO ME LIKE A BIG NIGHT TONIGHT ♪

♪ BIG NIGHT TONIGHT ♪

♪ BIG NIGHT TONIGHT ♪

♪ WELL, WHEN THE OLD CAT’S AWAY ♪

♪ ALL THE MICE WANT TO PLAY ♪

♪ AND IT LOOKS LIKE A BIG NIGHT ♪

♪ IT LOOKS LIKE A BIG NIGHT ♪

♪ IT LOOKS LIKE A BIG NIGHT TONIGHT ♪

QUIET!

CITIZENS OF BORACHO, QUIET, QUIET!

CITIZENS OF BORACHO-- THANK YOU.

AS MAYOR OF BORACHO, I OFFER A TOAST

TO OUR GUEST OF HONOR,

THE GREAT LESLIE.

TO THE FAIR CITY OF BORACHO.

NOW HERE SHE IS--

THE QUEEN OF THE WEST.

BORACHO’S OWN LILY OLAY!

♪ HE SLEEPS OUT THERE ♪

♪ OUT WHERE THE COYOTES WAIL ♪

♪ THE REASON HE AIN’T ♪

♪ AT THE BAR WITH THE BOYS ♪

♪ MAKES QUITE A DISMAL TALE ♪

♪ HE SHOULDN’T-A, HADN’T-A, OUGHTN’T-A SWANG ON ME ♪

♪ HE OUGHTN’T-A, SHOULDN’T-A, HADN’T-A, NO, SIRREE ♪

♪ YOU DON’T GET MANY CALLERS ♪

♪ SLEEPIN’ ON THE LONE PRAIRIE ♪

♪ BUT HE SHOULDN’T-A, HADN’T-A, OUGHTN’T-A SWANG ON ME ♪

♪ WAY OUT WEST WE’RE WILD AND WOOLLY ♪

♪ IN ORDER TO EXPLAIN IT FULLY ♪

♪ WE’RE TALL GROWN ♪

♪ ALL GROWN ♪

♪ ALL THE MEN ARE HAIRY-CHESTED ♪

♪ AND ALL THE WOMEN DOUBLE-BREASTED ♪

♪ WE’RE LADYLIKE UNTIL MOLESTED ♪

♪ AND THEN WE’RE ON OUR OWN ♪

♪ HE SHOULDN’T-A, HADN’T-A, OUGHTN’T-A SWANG ON ME ♪

♪ HE OUGHTN’T-A, SHOULDN’T-A, HADN’T-A FELT SO FREE ♪

♪ HIS WIFE GETS THE INSURANCE ♪

♪ AND I’M SORRY AS CAN BE ♪

♪ BUT HE SHOULDN’T-A, HADN’T-A, OUGHTN’T-A SWANG ON ME ♪

♪ THIS HERE JOB IS MIGHTY TRYIN’ ♪

♪ SOMETIMES THE ROOM IS FAIRLY FLYIN’ ♪

♪ WITH HIGHBALLS ♪

♪ EYEBALLS ♪

♪ ONE GUY TILL SOMEBODY GOT HIM ♪

♪ TORE UP THE JOINT FROM TOP TO BOTTOM ♪

♪ I THINK I WAS THE ONE THAT SHOT HIM ♪

♪ AS NEAR AS I RECALL ♪

♪ HE SHOULDN’T-A, HADN’T-A, OUGHTN’T-A SWANG ON ME ♪

♪ HE MASSACRED EIGHT OR NINE MEN AT THE LAZY-B ♪

♪ HE THEN TOOK ON THE SHERIFF ♪

♪ AND THE SHERIFF’S DEPUTY ♪

♪ BUT HE SHOULDN’T-A, HADN’T-A, OUGHTN’T-A SWANG ON ME ♪

♪ ALL YOU BOYS REMEMBER HARRY ♪

♪ THE WRANGLER I WAS SET TO MARRY ♪

♪ A LONG MAN ♪

♪ STRONG MAN ♪

♪ ONE NIGHT HE YELLS I’M FROM TEXAS ♪

♪ AND SOCKS ME IN MY SOLAR PLEXUS ♪

♪ WELL, HAVIN’ NORMAL GOOD REFLEXES ♪

♪ I KNOCKED HIM ON HIS CAN ♪

♪ HE SHOULDN’T-A, HADN’T-A, OUGHTN’T-A BLACKED MY EYE ♪

♪ I’M REALLY A LOVABLE PEACEABLE KIND OF GUY ♪

♪ I WOULDN’T SCARE A RABBIT ♪

♪ AND I COULDN’T HARM A FLEA ♪

♪ BUT HE SHOULDN’T-A, HADN’T-A, OUGHTN’T-A SWANG ON ME ♪

HA HA HA.

SPOTTED THE GAS.

SHUT UP!

♪ IF THIS STORY HAS A MORAL ♪

♪ IT’S WHEN YOU’RE LOOKIN’ FOR A QUARREL ♪

♪ OR SHOWDOWN ♪

♪ SLOW DOWN ♪

♪ IF BY NOW YOU HAVEN’T MASTERED ♪

♪ THE GENTLE ART OF GETTIN’ PLASTERED ♪

♪ YOU’RE JUST A LOW-DOWN, YOU AIN’T MASTERED ♪

♪ THE MOTTO OF OUR TOWN ♪

♪ YOU SHOULDN’T-A, HADN’T-A, OUGHTN’T-A START NO FIGHT ♪

♪ OUR BURYIN’ GROUND’S A MOST IMPRESSIVE SIGHT ♪

♪ THE MESSAGE ON THEM TOMBSTONES ♪

♪ IS AS SIMPLE AS CAN BE ♪

♪ HE SHOULDN’T-A, HADN’T-A, OUGHTN’T-A SWANG ON ME ♪

♪ HE SHOULDN’T-A, HADN’T-A, OUGHTN’T-A SWANG ON ME ♪

HOWDY, MAYOR. HOWDY, SHERIFF.

HELLO THERE, CURLY.

HELLO THERE.

HEY, LILY.

THIS HERE’S OUR GUEST OF HONOR THE GREAT LESLIE.

IT’S A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU.

WELCOME TO BORACHO, HONEY.

UM, WON’T YOU JOIN US?

WELL, JUST FOR A MINUTE. SCOOT OVER, HONEY.

HOW LONG Y’ALL GOING TO BE HERE?

UNFORTUNATELY JUST FOR THE NIGHT.

WE HAVE TO LEAVE IN THE MORNING.

THAT’S A PITY.

YES. I WOULD LIKE TO PROPOSE A TOAST

TO MISS OLAY.

THANK YOU, Y’ALL.

IT’S LUCKY TEXAS JACK AIN’T AROUND.

HE’D GUN THAT DUDE FOR SURE.

PARDON ME, MR. PARTNER.

WHO IS THIS TEXAS JACK?

WHO’S TEXAS JACK?

WHO?

THE ROUGHEST, TOUGHEST GUNSLINGER IN THESE PARTS.

LILY’S HIS GIRL.

OHH, LILY’S HIS GIRL.

TERRIFIC.

HO HO HO HO.

OH.

HONEY, YOUR SMILE IS DOWNRIGHT PAINFUL.

THANK YOU.

ARE YOU A NATIVE OF BORACHO?

I AIN’T NO NATIVE. I WAS BORN HERE.

MR. PARTNER?

YEAH.

WHERE WOULD I FIND THIS TEXAS JACK?

HE’S GOT A RANCH ABOUT 8 MILES SOUTH OF TOWN.

WELL, THANK YOU.

I SAY, I GOT TO GO UP

AND GET ON THAT THERE MOON AGAIN.

DON’T GO AWAY, Y’HEAR?

IT’S BEEN A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU.

WELCOME TO BORACHO, HONEY.

Texas Jack!

JACK!

NOW WAIT A MINUTE, JACK.

THIS IS A FRIENDLY CELEBRATION.

FIDDLE-DE-DEE.

I DON’T MUCH LIKE THE WAY YOU’RE CELEBRATING.

SO YOU JUST STEP BACK, SHERIFF,

UNLESS YOU WANT TO FALL BACK.

HOWDY, JACK, HONEY.

JACK, HONEY, DON’T GET RILED.

HE’S THE GUEST OF HONOR.

OUT OF MY WAY!

NOW JUST A MOMENT.

I’M AFRAID, SIR,

YOU HAVE ME AT A DISADVANTAGE.

AS YOU CAN SEE, I AM UNARMED.

HE’S UNARMED.

LET’S GET THE GAS.

NOT YET.

ALL RIGHT. COME ON NOW.

EVERYBODY STAND BACK AND GIVE A MAN SOME FIGHTIN’ ROOM.

NOW WILL YOU GIVE ME SOME FIGHTIN’ ROOM?

MY CAMERA!

CITIZENS OF BORACHO,

STOP!

MUSIC, SOMEBODY. START THE MUSIC.

[MUSIC PLAYS]

♪ IT LOOKS TO ME LIKE A BIG NIGHT TONIGHT ♪

♪ BIG NIGHT TONIGHT ♪

♪ BIG NIGHT TONIGHT ♪

♪ WELL, WHEN THE OLD CAT’S AWAY ♪

♪ ALL THE MICE WANT TO PLAY ♪

♪ IT LOOKS LIKE A BIG NIGHT TONIGHT ♪

♪ TONIGHT ♪

♪ TONIGHT ♪

♪ IT LOOKS LIKE A BIG NIGHT TONIGHT ♪

♪ WELL, WHEN THE OLD CAT’S AWAY ♪

♪ ALL THE MICE WANT TO PLAY ♪

♪ IT LOOKS LIKE A BIG NIGHT TONIGHT... ♪

CITIZENS OF BORACH--OHH!

♪ BIG NIGHT TONIGHT... ♪

NOW WILL YOU GIVE ME SOME FIGHTIN’ ROOM?

JACK, HONEY.

EXCUSE ME, PLEASE.

THANK YOU.

♪ WELL, WHEN THE OLD CAT’S AWAY ♪

♪ ALL THE MICE WANT TO PLAY ♪

♪ IT LOOKS LIKE A BIG NIGHT TONIGHT ♪

♪ IT LOOKS TO ME LIKE A BIG NIGHT TONIGHT ♪

♪ A BIG NIGHT TONIGHT ♪

♪ A BIG NIGHT TONIGHT ♪

♪ WELL, WHEN THE OLD CAT’S AWAY ♪

♪ ALL THE MICE WANT TO PLAY ♪

NOW LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE!

ME?

THERE’S THE GAS.

FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! IN THE SALOON!

FIGHT! FIGHT!

BIG FIGHT IN THE SALOON!

OH, BIG FIGHT!

LESLIE! BIG FIGHT!

HE’S DRUNK! HE’S CRAZY!

HE’S RUN AMOK! SAVE ME!

RUNNING AMOK, I TELL YOU!

[DOGS BARKING]

THE GAS, IDIOT! THE GAS!

THE GAS!

WHERE’S THE CAR?

THE CAR.

WHERE’S THE CAR?

GET THE CAR!

I’LL GET THE CAR.

BOSS!

HEY, BOSS!

NOW CAN I HAVE ME SOME FIGHTIN’ ROOM?

MAX!

THE BACK IS FULL.

I’LL PUT THE REST OF THE GAS IN THE SEAT.

LEAVE IT! LEAVE IT?

CAN’T LEAVE IT. CAN’T LEAVE IT FOR LESLIE.

LEAVE LESLIE TO ME. START THE CAR.

SWITCH ON!

HA HA HA HA.

MY APOLOGIES.

THE GASOLINE!

HA HA HA HA HA!

WE SHALL WIN!

HA HA HA HA.

WELL, THAT FINISHES LESLIE.

OH, NO, NOT LESLIE. NEVER LESLIE.

THE GREAT LESLIE,

HE’LL THINK OF SOMETHING,

BUT WE’LL BE IN ALASKA

BY THE TIME HE DOES.

[PIGEONS COOING]

GIDDYUP, HAH!

GIDDYUP, HAH!

WHOA!

I’M OFFERING YOU A LIFT...

OR WOULD YOU PREFER AN ENGRAVED INVITATION?

I MIGHT CONSIDER AN APOLOGY.

AN APOLOGY? FOR WHAT?

IT’S 20 MILES BACK TO BORACHO.

YOU’D NEVER MAKE IT.

WELL, THAT’S YOUR FAULT.

MY FAULT?

I WARNED YOU I WOULD NOT BE LEFT BEHIND IN BORACHO.

YOU LEFT ME NO CHOICE.

I HAD TO STOW AWAY IN FATE’S CAR.

AND HE CAST YOU ADRIFT.

IF YOU HAD PROVIDED ME

WITH TRANSPORTATION AS FAR AS GROMMETT,

WHERE I COULD HAVE CAUGHT A TRAIN,

IT NEVER WOULD HAVE HAPPENED.

GROMMETT WAS 100 MILES OUT OF OUR WAY.

AND WHERE ARE YOU GOING NOW?

WELL, BECAUSE PROFESSOR FATE

DESTROYED ALL THE GASOLINE,

GROMMETT IS A MATTER OF NECESSITY.

AND WHEN YOU REACH GROMMETT, YOU’LL SEND FOR GASOLINE?

CERTAINLY.

BUT IF YOU WERE TO SEND FOR GASOLINE NOW,

IT WOULD BE IN GROMMETT WHEN YOU ARRIVED.

IF I WERE TO SEND FOR GASOLINE NOW,

I WOULD NEED A TELEGRAPH.

NOT NECESSARILY.

[PIGEONS COOING]

I WILL TAKE YOU NO FURTHER THAN GROMMETT.

HEY, PROFESSOR, WHERE ARE WE GOING?

WE SAVE 15 MILES BY FOLLOWING THE TRACKS, MAX.

OH. OH, TERRIFIC.

[TRAIN WHISTLE]

[TRAIN WHISTLE]

IS THAT GASOLINE?

IT SURE IS.

OH, BOY.

COME AND GIVE ME A HAND WITH THOSE.

WAIT A MINUTE.

NOBODY GETS NOTHING TILL IT’S SIGNED FOR.

OF COURSE.

YOU M. DUBOIS?

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

GASOLINE’S CONSIGNED TO M. DUBOIS.

WHAT?

OH, I’M M. DUBOIS.

I KNEW IT!

YOU GOT SOME IDENTIFICATION?

WHAT DID I TELL YOU?

I TOLD YOU NOT TO TRUST HER!

MY PRESS CARD.

O.K., JUST SIGN ON THE LINE.

WHAT IF I DON’T SIGN?

YOU SEE!

LOOK, MA’AM, YOU DON’T SIGN,

YOU DON’T GET NO GAS.

WELL, MR. LESLIE,

YOU WISH TO CONTINUE THE RACE. SO DO I.

AS FAR AS THE WEST COAST?

IF SHE GOES, I STAY.

HEZEKIAH.

YOU GOING TO SIGN

OR DO I SEND THE GAS BACK TO NEW YORK?

MISS DUBOIS, THIS IS VERY--

THE GAS IS YOURS IF YOU TAKE ME TO THE WEST COAST.

UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES, I CONSIDER THAT A FAIR EXCHANGE.

LOAD THE GAS BACK ON THE TRAIN.

EXCUSE ME.

SHE’S NOT SIGNING,

AND THE TRAIN’S LEAVING IN FIVE MINUTES.

JUST ONE MOMENT, PLEASE, SIR.

I WILL NOT LEAVE WITHOUT HEZEKIAH.

IF I CAN CHANGE HIS MIND?

ALL RIGHT.

SUPPOSE YOU DON’T CHANGE HIS MIND?

OH, THEN I SHALL TAKE THIS TRAIN BACK TO NEW YORK.

SIR, LET ME GIVE YOU A HAND WITH THE GASOLINE.

BOYS, WOULD YOU CARE TO JOIN ME?

HEZEKIAH, I UNDERSTAND HOW YOU FEEL,

BUT I BEG YOU TO RECONSIDER.

A DEAL IS A DEAL.

WELL, THEN I GUESS I’LL HAVE TO HURRY

OR I’LL MISS MY TRAIN.

GOODBYE, HEZEKIAH.

YOU MEAN...

WELL, A DEAL IS A DEAL.

IT’S BEEN WONDERFUL KNOWING YOU.

WHAT ABOUT THE GAS?

I SIGNED FOR IT.

OH, OH, OH. WELL, I’M SORRY.

YOU SEE, THIS RACE AIN’T THE RIGHT PLACE FOR A WOMAN.

I UNDERSTAND.

BOARD!

WELL...

WOULD YOU TAKE ME TO THE TRAIN?

OH, WELL, YES, MA’AM.

BOYS AND GIRLS, THIS IS A SIX-CYLINDER AUTOMOBILE

WITH AN OVERHEAD CAM THAT CAN PROD--

[TRAIN WHISTLE]

IT WAS BUILT BY A COMPANY

ESPECIALLY FOR ME FOR THIS RACE.

HE, UM, HE JUST WOULDN’T LISTEN.

I TOLD HIM, AND, UM,

HE SAID THAT, UM...

WELL, HE’S--HE’S HAD ENOUGH, AND, UM,

HE DIDN’T THINK YOU COULD WIN ANYWAY,

AND, UM...UH... HE SAID HE WAS, UH,

GOING TO GO BACK TO NEW YORK.

THAT DOUBLE-CROSSING FEMALE!

HEY--HEY, BOSS!

BOSS!

HEY, CONDUCTOR!

WE WANT JOBS.

WE WANT JOBS.

YOU ARE TRYING MY PATIENCE, MADAM.

WE KNOW OUR RIGHTS.

YOU’RE OBSTRUCTING TRAFFIC AND YOU’RE DISTURBING THE PEACE.

AND YOU ARE EXCEEDING YOUR AUTHORITY.

I AIN’T EXCEEDING NOTHING, LADY!

THEN ARREST US.

WHAT?

ARREST US. I DARE YOU.

WE WANT JOBS.

WE WANT JOBS.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

SORRY, SIR.

I WANT YOU TO RUN OVER TO CITY HALL

AND BAIL OUT MRS. GOODBODY.

YES, SIR.

IN ABOUT TWO HOURS.

YES, SIR.

[HUMMING]

I ONCE WENT ON AN ANTHROPOLOGICAL EXPEDITION

TO STUDY THE KWAKIUTL INDIANS.

IN WINTER, ONE KWAKIUTL IN A BLANKET FROZE,

BUT TWO KWAKIUTLS IN THE SAME BLANKET...

YES?

WERE WARMER.

WOULD YOU HOLD THIS, PLEASE?

CHAMPAGNE?

YOU PUT ALCOHOL IN THE RADIATOR OF THE AUTOMOBILE

TO KEEP IT FROM FREEZING, DON’T YOU?

HMM?

I CAN’T SEE A THING.

NEITHER CAN I.

M-M-MAYBE WE BETTER STOP.

I CAN’T STAND IT. I’M FREEZING TO DEATH.

SH-SH-SH-SHUT UP!

EVEN THE THERMOMETER IS FROZEN.

EVERYTHING’S FROZEN.

LOOK AT THAT.

IT WON’T TAKE LONG TO GROW BACK.

IT’S ONLY A HALF A MUSTACHE.

[CLANK]

WHAT WAS THAT?

I DON’T KNOW.

WELL, I’LL GO SEE.

OH!

MISS DUBOIS, PLEASE.

THANK YOU.

AAH!

OH!

OH, I’M SO TERRIBLY SORRY.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE MAXIMILLIAN.

NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

WE HAVE A LOT MORE CHAMPAGNE IN THE CAR.

OH.

[RARR]

PROFESSOR!

YES?

WHERE ARE YOU?

BEHIND THE ROCK.

BEHIND WHICH ROCK?

THIS ROCK, YOU IDIOT.

COME ON.

CLOSE THE DOOR AND HURRY IT.

BRING IT UP. UP!

WE’RE SAFE UP HERE.

YEAH, YEAH, SAFE HERE.

[GRRR]

AAH! AAH!

HELP! HELP!

MY APOLOGIES.

THERE’S A POLAR BEAR IN OUR CAR.

IF YOU DON’T LEAVE THIS CAR IMMEDIATELY,

I SHALL PERSONALLY FEED YOU TO THE BEAR.

IF THE BEARS DON’T GET US,

WE’LL CERTAINLY FREEZE TO DEATH OUT THERE.

FREEZE RIGHT UP.

AS FAR AS FREEZING IS CONCERNED,

YOU HAVE THE SAME CHANCE THAT WE HAVE.

NOT IF YOU PUT US OUT IN THE BLIZZARD.

SNOWING VERY BAD.

MAY I POINT OUT

THAT YOU’VE COMPLETELY DEMOLISHED MY TOP?

AND THERE’S VERY LITTLE DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN A BLIZZARD OUT THERE AND IN HERE.

EXCEPT THAT YOU HAVE BLANKETS AND STIMULANTS.

STIMULANTS. STIMULANTS.

HE’S RIGHT.

MISS DUBOIS, YOU’RE NOT SUGGESTING--

IF TWO IN A BLANKET

STAND A BETTER CHANCE THAN ONE...

THEN FOUR IN A BLANKET...

HE’S A CHEAT AND A LIAR.

THAT’S BESIDE THE POINT.

BESIDE THE POINT.

THE POINT IS WE’RE FREEZING.

YES. AND THE TIME HAS COME TO CAST ASIDE

OUR PERSONAL DIFFERENCES.

BURY THE HATCHET.

AND YOU KNOW WHO HAS THE HATCHET.

HE DOESN’T HAVE A HATCHET,

I PROMISE YOU. HE DOESN’T

EVEN HAVE A WHOLE MUSTACHE.

WHY CAN’T WE SETTLE THIS WHOLE THING

UNDERNEATH THE BLANKET?

YES, HE’S RIGHT.

WE MUST GET UNDERNEATH THE BLANKET TOGETHER.

CLOSE TOGETHER.

THEREFORE IT WILL BE NECESSARY TO LOWER THE SEAT.

LOWER THE SEAT. LOWER THE SEAT.

I GOT IT.

MAX, DON’T PUSH.

THE FOOT! WATCH THAT FOOT.

[MAGGIE] OOH!

[FATE] I BEG YOUR PARDON.

CHAMPAGNE, PROFESSOR?

AH, THANK YOU.

[MAX] THIS IS TERRIFIC.

[FATE] MAY I PROPOSE A TOAST?

[MAGGIE] HA HA HA HA.

[FATE] WHAT’S SO FUNNY?

SOMETHING WRONG?

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR MUSTACHE?

[MAX] I BROKE IT OFF.

[LESLIE] YOU WHAT?

I BROKE IT OFF. IT WAS FROZEN.

LOOK.

[SNAP]

OW!

[MAGGIE] OOH. WHAT TIME IS IT?

[LESLIE] JUST A MOMENT.

7:30.

GOOD MORNING.

GOOD MORNING.

OH, VERY BIG, VERY BIG.

THE HEAD. VERY BIG.

TIME TO GET UP.

GRRR.

PROFESSOR, TIME TO GET UP.

COME ON, PROFESSOR. RISE AND SHINE.

RISE AND SHINE?

IT’S 7:30.

THEN YOU RISE, YOU SHINE.

HE’S ALWAYS LIKE THIS IN THE MORNING.

I’M NOT ALWAYS LIKE THIS IN THE MORNING.

THIS PARTICULAR MORNING,

I HAPPEN TO BE SEASICK.

TOO MUCH CHAMPAGNE.

I’M NOT SICK FROM CHAMPAGNE!

I’M SICK FROM THE SEA!

IT’S NOT NECESSARY

TO YELL AT US.

I’LL YELL AT WHOEVER I WANT TO YELL AT!

ALWAYS YELLS LIKE THIS IN THE MORNING.

LET ME OUT OF HERE!

7:30 IN THE MORNING, YOU IDIOTS!

I’M SEASICK!

AH!

RISE AND SHINE.

RISE AND SHI--

AAH!

HELP!

MAX!

MAX!

MAX!

I’M COMING, PROFESSOR.

HELP!

I GOT YOU. I GOT YOU.

♪ THEY SAY THERE’S A TREE IN THE FOREST ♪

♪ A TREE THAT WILL GIVE YOU A SIGN ♪

♪ COME ALONG WITH ME ♪

♪ TO THE SWEETHEART TREE ♪

♪ COME AND CARVE YOUR NAME NEXT TO MINE ♪

♪ THEY SAY IF YOU KISS THE RIGHT SWEETHEART ♪

♪ THE ONE YOU’VE BEEN WAITING FOR ♪

♪ BIG BLOSSOMS OF WHITE WILL BURST INTO SIGHT ♪

♪ AND YOUR LOVE WILL BE TRUE EVERMORE ♪

♪ THEY SAY IF YOU KISS THE RIGHT SWEETHEART ♪

♪ THE ONE YOU’VE BEEN WAITING FOR ♪

♪ BIG BLOSSOMS OF WHITE WILL BURST INTO SIGHT ♪

♪ AND YOUR LOVE WILL BE TRUE EVERMORE ♪

YOU’RE WASTING YOUR TIME.

PERHAPS.

WE’RE MELTING!

SLOWLY.

WE’RE GOING TO SINK.

EVENTUALLY.

THEN YOU’RE WASTING YOUR TIME!

I SHALL PLACE THIS LOG

IN A WATERTIGHT CONTAINER.

IF FOUND, IT SHALL PROVIDE VALUABLE INFORMATION

FOR THOSE WHO MAY FOLLOW.

"VALUABLE INFORMATION FOR THOSE WHO MAY FOLLOW."

PROFESSOR.

WHAT?

I GOT AN IDEA. WHAT?

INSTEAD OF THE BOOK,

WHY DON’T YOU AND ME GET INTO THE WATERTIGHT CONTAINER?

SHUT UP.

WELL, WE GOT TO DO SOMETHING.

OH, DON’T WORRY.

BEFORE THIS ICEBERG MELTS

AND WE DROWN LIKE RATS,

WE’RE GOING TO DO PLENTY.

YEAH? WHAT?

WE’RE GOING TO STARVE.

MISS DUBOIS, I RECOMMEND WE HAVE COLD MEALS FROM NOW ON.

WE’RE MELTING FAST ENOUGH AS IT IS.

WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?

A FEW HOURS ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.

MINUTES HAVE MADE THE DIFFERENCE IN SURVIVAL,

MISS DUBOIS.

MR. LESLIE,

I SUSPECT YOU ARE BEING

UNREALISTICALLY OPTIMISTIC

FOR MY BENEFIT.

AND IT ISN’T AT ALL NECESSARY.

WE’RE LOST ON AN ICEBERG,

AND WE’RE DOOMED TO DRIFT WITH THE TIDE

AND SLOWLY MELT.

YOU’RE A BRAVE WOMAN, MISS DUBOIS.

RED SKY.

SO WHAT?

GOING TO BE A STORM.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

RED SKY IN THE MORNING, SAILOR TAKE WARNING.

YOU THIMBLE-HEADED GHERKIN.

DO YOU REALIZE THE ODDS AGAINST A STORM

IN THIS PART OF THE OCEAN

AT THIS TIME OF THE YEAR?

NO. WHAT? 100-TO-1.

[THUNDER]

TIE DOWN THE CAR WITH THE ROPE!

TIE THE ROPE DOWN WITH THE CAR!

DOUBLE KNOTS, YOU IDIOT!

MAX!

THROW ME A ROPE!

JUST RELAX.

I GOT YOU. I GOT YOU.

I GOT YOU, PROFESSOR.

RED SKY IN THE MORNING, SAILOR TAKE WARNING.

WHY, YOU NINCOMPOOP!

AAH!

MAX!

[HORN HONKS]

ANOTHER FOOT.

ANOTHER FOOT. AH.

37 INCHES TO GO.

OH, 37 INCHES TO GO.

HUZZAH!

AT THE RATE WE’VE BEEN MELTING,

THAT’S GOOD FOR ABOUT ONE MORE WEEK.

YOU BETTER KEEP IT TO YOURSELF.

OH, OF COURSE I’LL KEEP IT TO MYSELF...

UNTIL THE WATER REACHES MY LOWER LIP,

AND THEN I’LL MENTION IT TO SOMEBODY.

[HONK HONK]

UM, WHAT WAS THE PROFESSOR COMPLAINING ABOUT?

OH, YOU KNOW THE PROFESSOR.

HE THINKS WE’RE MELTING TOO FAST,

AND HE WAS VENTING HIS WRATH ON THE GODS.

ARE WE MELTING TOO FAST?

OH, I DON’T THINK SO.

ACCORDING TO MY CALCULATIONS,

WE’LL REACH LAND JUST ABOUT THE TIME THAT OUR FEET GET WET.

[HONK HONK HONK]

I’M HUNGRY.

SHE’S GETTING IT.

HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO OPEN A CAN OF BEANS?

THE ETERNAL STRUGGLE TAKES TIME, MAX.

WHAT STRUGGLE? SHE’S GOT A CAN OPENER.

YOU CORK-BRAIN.

I’M TALKING ABOUT MAN, WOMAN,

SEX, CONQUEST.

WHAT WAS THAT?

HE’S MAKING HIS MOVE,

AND I’M SURE SHE’S INTERESTED.

BUT UNLESS I MISS MY GUESS,

SHE WILL NEVER SUBMIT.

WELL, IF SHE DOES, WE’RE NOT GONNA GET NO BEANS.

IT’S A CONTEST, MAX. AND HE’S USING WEAPONS

THAT HAVE TOPPLED EVERYTHING

FROM A KANSAS FARM GIRL TO A EUROPEAN DUCHESS.

BUT SHE WILL COUNTER WITH WOMEN’S RIGHTS.

HA HA.

THAT’S TERRIBLE.

YES. FOR A MAN LIKE LESLIE,

THAT’S TERRIBLE.

LIKE ME, HE MUST WIN ON HIS OWN TERMS.

AND SHE RECOGNIZES NO TERMS

EXCEPT HER OWN.

[MAGGIE] COME AND GET IT!

YOU SEE?

MAYBE SHE DON’T MEAN US.

[ALARM CLOCK RINGS]

HEY.

HEY, PROFESSOR.

HMM?

HEY, PROFESSOR.

UP AND AT ’EM.

UP AND AT ’EM?

IT’S 7:30.

UP AND AT ’EM.

UP AND AT ’EM?

DON’T YELL!

ALWAYS YELLS LIKE THAT IN THE MORNING.

YOU IDIOT.

"HEY, PROFESSOR, UP AND AT ’EM."

"HEY, PROFESSOR. UP AND AT ’EM.

IT’S 7:30."

WE’RE UNDERWATER!

WE’RE UNDERWATER!

WE’RE DOOMED!

WE’LL MAKE IT.

WE’LL MAKE WHAT?

LAND.

LAND?

LAND!

LAND!

IT’S PROBABLY EAST CAPE.

I SEE A SHIP IN THE HARBOR.

WE’RE SAVED!

WE’RE SAVED!

MAX, WE’RE SAVED!

WE’RE SAVED!

WE’RE SAVED!

I ALWAYS SAID TO HAVE FAITH!

WE’RE SAVED!

MAX, TRUST ME. TRY OUT THE CANNON!

THE CANNON!

FIRE THE CANNON, MAX,

AND LET THEM KNOW WE’RE HERE.

HA HA HA!

SAVED!

HA HA HA!

PUSH THE BUTTON, MAX!

HERE SHE GOES.

MAAAAXXXX!

AHOY!

AHOY!

AHOY!

AHOY!

AHOY!

AHOY!

ISN’T IT WONDERFUL TO SEE AN AMERICAN SHIP

IN THIS GOD-FORSAKEN OUTPOST?

IT IS INDEED.

IT’S PROBABLY FROM SAN FRANCISCO OR SEATTLE.

AHOY, ICEBERG!

IT’S ME!

IT’S ME!

IF I DIDN’T KNOW BETTER, I WOULD SAY THAT’S...

ME!

HEZEKIAH.

WHAT?

YOU GAVE ME YOUR WORD, AND I TRUSTED YOU.

THEN YOU HANDCUFFED HEZEKIAH

TO THE ATCHISON, TOPEKA, & SANTA FE.

IT WAS THE SOUTHERN PACIFIC.

WHAT HAS THAT GOT TO DO WITH IT?

YOU GAVE ME YOUR WORD.

YOU GAVE ME NO CHOICE.

YOU LIED.

I TOLD YOU I WOULD FINISH THE RACE.

PUSH THE BUTTON, MAX.

ARE YOU SURE THIS IS SUCH A GOOD IDEA?

SHE IS HIS ACHILLES HEEL. SHE IS OUR ACE IN THE HOLE.

SHE MUST NOT BE LEFT BEHIND.

NOW, MAX--

I KNOW-- PUSH THE BUTTON.

HA HA!

OUT OF THE WAY!

OUT! OUT!

BUT YOU CAN’T LEAVE ME HERE.

BOSS! BOSS!

I HAVE NO CHOICE.

[COUGHING]

HEZEKIAH, WATCH THE CAR.

LET ME GO! UNHAND ME!

THEY’RE GETTING AWAY.

MISS DUBOIS?

WE WANT JOBS!

WE WANT JOBS!

FRISBEE!

FRISBEE!

"OUT OF THE LAUNDRY.

OFF THE PEDESTAL."

FRISBEE!

OHH!

OH, I’M SORRY, DEAR.

CAPITULATE, HENRY.

NEVER. WELL, REMEMBER,

WE’RE HAVING THE SIMPSONS TO DINNER.

NOW, TRY NOT TO BE LATE.

YES, DEAR. PARDON ME.

FRISBEE.

EXCUSE ME, MRS...

AAH!

I’M SORRY, DEAR.

I COULD HARDLY GET ACROSS THE HALL.

WHAT ARE YOU COMPLAINING ABOUT?

I HAVE TO SLEEP WITH THEIR LEADER.

THIS IS FROM REUTERS.

"FROM LAST REPORT, DATED MARCH 10th.

"FATE’S CAR STILL IN LEAD

AND NEARING SREDNE KOLIMSKY."

MARCH 10th.

THEY COULD HAVE REACHED THE LENA RIVER BY NOW.

HEY, PROFESSOR, WHAT IS THIS?

SHUT UP.

YOU GIVE THEM BEADS.

THAT MAKES THEM FRIENDLY.

OBVIOUSLY, THEY DON’T KNOW WHO I AM.

I AM PROFESSOR FATE!

YOU WANT TO TRY THE BEADS?

WHAT IS THE WORD FOR "FRIENDS"?

PROFESSOR-- SHUT UP.

I DON’T KNOW THIS LANGUAGE.

WELL, GET THE DICTIONARY.

DICTIONARY. RIGHT.

I GOT IT. I GOT IT.

WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS IT?

I CAN’T PRONOUNCE IT.

VERY SIMPLE.

DROZY--DRAZY--

DROOZYHA.

DROOZYHA.

DROOZYHA.

I SPEAK, READ, AND WRITE FRENCH, RUSSIAN, AND ARABIC.

[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]

[CHEERING]

GET AWAY FROM THE CAR!

MAX!

BACK TO THE CAR!

SHE DON’T ACT LIKE SHE’S BEING KIDNAPPED.

MAX!

PROFESSOR!

BOSS,

THIS DISPATCH JUST CAME IN FROM MAGGIE DUBOIS.

"HAVE CROSSED CARPANIAN BORDER.

"NO CONTACT WITH LESLIE CAR

"IN NEARLY THREE WEEKS,

"SO THERE’S NO WAY OF TELLING

WHO’S IN THE LEAD."

THE WEBBER MOTOR CAR COMPANY BUILT THE LESLIE SPECIAL.

HAVE THEY INTEGRATED YET?

NO.

THEY STILL REFUSE TO HIRE ANY WOMEN.

UNTIL WEBBER CHANGES ITS POLICY,

WE WON’T MENTION OF THE LESLIE SPECIAL IN THIS NEWSPAPER.

BUT YOU CAN’T DO THAT.

WE’LL LOSE THEIR ADVERTISING.

MR. FRISBEE,

UNTIL MY HUSBAND IS RELEASED FROM HAPPY ACRES,

I AM IN CHARGE HERE.

YES, SIR--UH, MA’AM.

NOW, LET’S SEE.

UH, THEY SHOULD BE APPROACHING THE NEXT GASOLINE STOP,

WHICH IS...POTZDORF.

[BELLS RINGING]

[CHEERING]

I AM GENERAL KUHSTER.

I WILL ESCORT YOU TO THE PALACE

WHERE YOU WILL BE THE GUEST OF HIS ROYAL HIGHNESS,

PRINCE HAPNICK.

WE ARE DEEPLY HONORED, SIR.

WHO IS PRINCE HAPNICK?

HE’S THE ROYAL HEIR TO THE THRONE.

OH.

AHH!

OH!

I SAY WE SHOULD HAVE DUMPED HER A LONG TIME AGO.

I SAY WE SHALL DUMP HER

WHEN I SAY WE’LL DUMP HER.

SHE’S PLAYING YOU FOR A SUCKER.

GOOD AFTERNOON, GENTLEMEN.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

WHO ARE YOU?

PROFESSOR FATE.

AND WHO MIGHT YOU BE?

INCREDIBLE.

AMAZING.

LET ME GO!

UNHAND ME!

I FOUND THIS WILDCAT SWIMMING IN THE LAKE.

I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT!

IT’S VERY SIMPLE.

YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS ARE UNDER ARREST.

WILL YOU BE IN POTZDORF LONG, MR. LESLIE?

I’M AFRAID NOT. NO.

WE LEAVE TOMORROW MORNING,

EARLY.

WHERE IS YOUR COMPETITOR,

THIS PROFESSOR FATE?

I SUSPECT NOT FAR BEHIND.

IF HE AIN’T AHEAD OF US ALREADY.

HAVE YOU MET THE CROWN PRINCE YET?

NO. I HAVEN’T HAD THE HONOR.

[FANFARE]

HIS ROYAL HIGHNESS,

CROWN PRINCE FREDERICK HAPNICK.

[FANFARE]

HEY, BOSS--

SHH.

BUT THAT’S--THAT’S--

SHH. NO, IT ISN’T.

THAT WAS EXHAUSTING.

HA HA!

YOUR HIGHNESS.

WHICH WAY, GENERAL?

YOUR HIGHNESS,

MAY I PRESENT THE GREAT LESLIE?

YOUR HIGHNESS.

AND THIS IS MR. HEZEKIAH.

WELCOME TO POTZDORF.

EXCUSE ME, YOUR HIGHNESS,

BUT DO YOU HAVE ANY RELATIVES

IN THE UNITED STATES?

ME?

RELATIVES IN STATES?

IT’S OF NO CONSEQUENCE, SIRE.

IT’S JUST THAT YOU BEAR AN UNCANNY RESEMBLANCE

TO SOMEONE THAT WE BOTH KNOW.

SOMEONE WHO LOOKS LIKE ME?

YES, SIR. HA HA!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

POOR FELLOW.

HA HA!

[LAUGHS ALONE]

AHEM.

HA HA HA HA!

[ORCHESTRA PLAYS WALTZ]

MAY I HAVE THE HONOR OF THIS DANCE?

HA HA HA.

IN THE KINGDOM OF CARPANIA, IF ONE DOESN’T WALTZ,

ONE JUST DOESN’T DANCE, AND I LOVE TO DANCE.

ONLY PROBLEM IS, I HATE THE WALTZ!

SO YOU KNOW WHAT I DO?

I WALTZ JUST ENOUGH TO COMPLY WITH TRADITION.

THEN I SNEAK OFF TO MORE REWARDING ACTIVITIES.

BRANDY!

YOU KNOW, I SHOULD’VE SCHEDULED

SOME DIVINE ENTERTAINMENT FOR YOU, MR. LESLIE.

YOU SEE, CARPANIA’S FULL OF FORESTS

AND THE FORESTS ARE FULL OF GYPSIES,

AND THE GYPSIES ARE FULL OF SHENANIGANS,

SUCH AS SWALLOWING SWORDS AND CHEWING BROKEN GLASS.

EATING FIRE. IT’S WONDERFUL.

I DON’T KNOW HOW THEY DO IT.

YOUR HIGHNESS SHOULD VISIT INDIA ONE DAY.

INDIA. ISN’T THAT WHERE THOSE HINDU PERSONS

THAT WALK ON HOT COALS AND LIE ON NAILS?

OH, THEY TRAIN THOSE HIDEOUS SNAKES.

THEY CAN...

AAH!

I THINK I’M SUPPOSED TO GO TO INDIA, AREN’T I?

AFTER I ASSUME THE THRONE ON THE--

DO WE GO TO INDIA, GENERAL?

OH, YES, OF COURSE.

OH, GOOD. I CAN HARDLY WAIT.

OH, SIT, SIT. HERE, HAVE A CIGAR.

YOU KNOW, THE CORONATION IS TOMORROW.

I DO HOPE YOU’LL STAY, YOU GREAT LESLIE, YOU.

I’D BE MOST HONORED.

OH, GOOD.

BUT IF YOU ATTEND THE CORONATION,

MR. LESLIE, WON’T YOU LOSE

VALUABLE TIME IN YOUR RACE TO PARIS?

SINCE THERE’S BEEN NO REPORT

THAT PROFESSOR FATE HAS CROSSED YOUR BORDER,

I MUST ASSUME THAT I’M PRESENTLY IN THE LEAD.

BUT HE MIGHT CROSS AT ANY MOMENT.

IT’S BEEN MY EXPERIENCE, GENERAL,

THAT THERE IS LITTLE ADVANTAGE TO WINNING

IF ONE WINS TOO EASILY.

RAH! OH, RAH!

WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT, GENERAL?

AN ADMIRABLE POINT OF VIEW

FOR ANYONE BUT A SOLDIER.

IN MY PROFESSION, TO WIN IS IMPERATIVE.

TO WIN EASILY IS A BLESSING.

OOH, EASILY A BLESSING.

HE HAS THESE TERRIBLE MOTTOES

WRITTEN ALL OVER HIS WALLS,

LIKE "IF A GOOD SOLDIER DIES WITH HIS BOOTS ON,

REST ASSURED THEY’RE POLISHED."

GOOD EVENING, YOUR HIGHNESS.

ROLFE, YOU ROGUE, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

MY APOLOGIES FOR BEING LATE,

YOUR HIGHNESS, BUT I WAS DELAYED

BY SOME LAST-MINUTE BUSINESS.

OH, YOU HAVEN’T BEEN DUELING AGAIN,

YOU NAUGHTY BOY, YOU?

NO, YOUR HIGHNESS.

OH, AH!

OHH...

OH, MR. LESLIE, THIS IS BARON ROLFE VON STUPPE.

NOW, BARON VON STUPPE, I MUST TELL YOU,

IS CARPANIA’S GREATEST SWORDSMAN.

AS A MATTER OF FACT,

HIS PROWESS WITH THE BLADE IS SURPASSED

ONLY BY HIS REPUTATION WITH THE LADIES.

BARON.

I’M HONORED.

YES. WELL, SIT, SIT, SIT AND DRINK UP.

THE EVENING’S YOUNG. WE’RE ALL GONNA HAVE

SUCH A DAY. BRANDY!

OH, WHAT KEPT YOU?

HA HA HA! WHAT MAKES YOU SO GREAT, MR. LESLIE?

GREATNESS IS A LIGHTHEARTED TITLE

FOR, UH, THEATRICAL AMUSEMENTS

OR A DEFINITION ENDOWED ON MEN TOO LONG DEAD

TO KNOW THAT IT’S BEEN AWARDED.

I’M SIMPLY LESLIE,

AND I’M AT YOUR SERVICE, YOUR HIGHNESS.

WELL, I’M--

RAH!

OH, GOODNESS GRACIOUS.

YOU KNOW, THERE’S ONE THING WRONG WITH LIVING IN A PALACE.

IT TAKES SO LONG

TO GET FROM ONE PLACE TO ANOTHER.

I LIVE IN A CONSTANT STATE OF EXHAUSTION.

POOR PRINCE. ’COURSE, THERE’S ONE GOOD THING.

WHEN ONE WAS YOUNG,

YOU COULD PLAY ALONG THE CORRIDORS.

I USED TO RIDE MY PONY UP AND DOWN THIS CORRIDOR,

WHEN I WAS YOUNG. THEN I GREW UP

AND GOT DRUNK AND FELL OFF. HA HA HA!

I’M GOING TO BED NOW.

GOOD NIGHT, YOUR HIGHNESS.

WHO’S GOING TO TUCK ME IN?

I CAN MANAGE.

OH, NO! YOU’RE THE SLOPPIEST TUCKER-INNER

IN ALL POTZDORF.

IF THERE’S ANYTHING THAT I ABHOR,

IT’S A SLOPPY TUCKER-INNER.

GOOD NIGHT, YOU GOOD LESLIE.

YOU SLEEP TIGHT, AND DON’T LET THE BLED BLUGS BLITE.

OH.

YES.

LICK HIM.

THEY’VE BEEN WAITING FOR ME.

OH...

MUMSY, I’M AFRAID I HAD

A TEENY-WEENY LITTLE BIT TOO MUCH TO DRINK,

BUT THEN AGAIN, I ALWAYS HAVE

A TEENY-WEENY BIT TOO MUCH TO DRINK.

BECAUSE MUMSY ISN’T HERE TO SCOLD ME.

I WISH MUMSY WAS HERE.

OHH...

OH, HELLO.

GOOD NIGHT, MUMSY.

RUNNING LIKE A TOP.

YOU KNOW, GOOD MECHANICS

HAVE GOT TO ALWAYS KEEP CHECKING

EVERY LITTLE THING.

A BEAUTIFUL MACHINE.

INDEED IT IS.

AND YOU JUST MAKE SURE NOBODY

GETS NEARER THAN 50 FEET TO IT,

YOU UNDERSTAND? UNLESS, OF COURSE,

IT’S ME OR, UH, MR. LESLIE.

OH, DON’T WORRY.

WELL, I’LL SEE YOU IN THE MORNING.

LOOKS LIKE A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT.

I...UH-UH.

I THINK I’LL JUST TAKE A LITTLE STROLL

AROUND THE PALACE.

HA HA HA!

YOU MAKE TOO MUCH NOISE.

IT’S A SECRET.

OH, SHH! SECRETS. I LOVE SECRETS.

SHH!

WHAT WE’RE DOING, YOUR HIGHNESS--

WHAT’S THAT?

WAIT AND SEE.

WHERE ARE WE GOING?

FOR A LITTLE RIDE, YOUR HIGHNESS.

OH, NO!

GET IN.

KING, KING. I’M GOING TO BE KING.

OF COURSE, YOU REALIZE IT’LL DO NO GOOD

TO GET THE BARS OUT OF THE WINDOWS.

SHH!

YOU AND YOUR STUPID IDEAS.

MAX CAN’T ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING WITH A PEN KNIFE.

AND IF HE COULD,

IT’S AT LEAST A 100-FOOT DROP.

UNHAND ME!

YOU BLACKGUARDS, SCOUNDRELS!

UNHAND ME!

I DEMAND TO SEE THE AMERICAN CONSUL.

YOU BUMBLING IDIOTS,

YOU WILL ANSWER TO MY GOVERNMENT

FOR THIS OUTRAGE.

OUTRAGE!

YOU ARE KIDNAPPING FATE THE MAGNIFICENT.

LOOK, LET’S GET PRACTICAL.

I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU DO WITH THE OTHERS

AS LONG AS YOU LET ME GO.

WHAT DO YOU SAY TO $500? [WHISTLES]

PROFESSOR.

WHAT?

ALLOW ME TO PRESENT HIS ROYAL HIGHNESS,

PRINCE HAPNICK,

HEIR TO THE THRONE OF CARPANIA.

HI THERE.

IT’S OUT.

SHH!

[SMACK]

[KEYS RATTLE]

HA HA HA!

NO.

I SUGGEST YOU RECONSIDER.

I WON’T DO IT.

THEN YOU LEAVE US NO ALTERNATIVE.

I’LL DO IT.

HEZEKIAH.

WELL, DON’T JUST STAND THERE. DO SOMETHING.

HEZEKIAH, PLEASE WAKE UP.

HEZEKIAH.

PLEASE, HEZEKIAH.

MAX!

MAX, OPEN THIS DOOR!

MAX, YOU LITTLE RAT. I’LL GET YOU FOR THIS.

BY TOMORROW YOU’LL BE KING.

AFTER THAT,

YOU DECLARE GENERAL KUHSTER CHANCELLOR

AND QUIETLY ABDICATE.

YOUR HIGHNESS, REMEMBER, ONE SLIP AND YOU’RE DEAD.

AREN’T WE ALL?

[FABRIC TEARS]

OH! AAH!

GOOD EVENING.

WHEN WE GET BACK TO THE PALACE,

YOU MUST TRIM YOUR MUSTACHE.

YOU MUST LOOK EXACTLY LIKE THE PRINCE.

UH, CAN YOU LAUGH?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, CAN I LAUGH?

THE PRINCE HAS A VERY INDIVIDUAL LAUGH.

LIKE WHAT?

UH, HA HA HA!

HA HA HA!

HA HA HA!

NO, NO. MUCH TOO BASS.

THE PRINCE IS MORE OF A SOPRANO.

TRY IT.

[LAUGHING HIGHER]

TRY IT ONCE MORE.

HA HA HA!

HIGHER.

I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT.

YOU’VE BEEN TOLD. YOU’RE UNDER ARREST.

I KNOW. BUT FOR WHAT?

SPYING.

SPYING?

HA HA HA!

AT LAST, AT LAST.

THE GREAT LESLIE IS FINISHED.

I’VE WON!

THEY THOUGHT I NEVER SAID--

GET OFF OF THE BED.

DON’T YOU TRY ANY DOUBLE-CROSSES,

MY FRIEND. KEEP OUR DEAL.

HE STAYS IN THE POKY UNTIL I’M SAFELY IN PARIS.

NO DOUBLE-CROSSES.

WHEN IT COMES TO DOUBLE-CROSSES,

YOU ARE LOOKING AT THE KING.

YOU’RE NOT UNTIL YOU’VE TRIMMED

YOUR MUSTACHE, YOUR MAJESTY.

[SNUFFLING]

I HATE YOU.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

COME TO SEE THE GREAT LESLIE.

I’M SORRY, PADRE. I HAVE STRICT ORDERS

NOT TO LET ANYONE SEE THE PRISONER

WITHOUT THE PROPER AUTHORITY.

I UNDERSTAND. BLESS YOU, MY SON.

[HITS GUARD ON HEAD]

[THUD]

LESLIE!

LESLIE!

LESLIE!

I’M HERE.

IN HERE.

MAX.

COME ON, WE GOT TO GO SAVE THE PROFESSOR.

WHAT ABOUT MISS DUBOIS AND HEZEKIAH?

THEY’RE WITH THE BARON.

THE BARON?

THE BARON. THE BARON. HE’S GOT EVERYBODY.

COME ON, WE GOT TO GO SAVE THE PROFESSOR.

STOP!

STOP! STOP!

ESCAPED?

WITH A SMALL FRIAR.

LESLIE ESCAPED WITH A CHICKEN?

NO, YOU IDIOT. THE FRIAR.

A MONK. A PRIEST.

WHAT SHOULD WE DO?

THE CORONATION MUST TAKE PLACE WITHOUT DELAY.

WITH LESLIE FREE, EVERY MINUTE COUNTS.

YES, YOU’RE RIGHT.

WITH LESLIE ON THE LOOSE, EVERY SECOND COUNTS.

ARE YOU SURE THAT THE BARON’S CASTLE IS ON A LAKE?

I’M POSITIVE, GREAT BIG LAKE.

AND THE ONLY LAKE ON THIS MAP

IS STRAIGHT AHEAD.

YOU’RE NOT SERIOUS.

DEADLY SERIOUS.

YOU’RE A SADISTIC FIEND.

HE HAS ONLY TO ANSWER A FEW SIMPLE QUESTIONS.

NOT THE...MUSTACHE.

WHY DID YOU COME HERE?

WHO SENT YOU?

PROCEED.

NO!

OW! OWW!

YOU TOUCH ONE HAIR ON HIS HEAD,

AND YOU HAVE TO ANSWER TO TEDDY ROOSEVELT

AND THE GOVERNMENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

♪ MY COUNTRY ’TIS OF THEE ♪

♪ SWEET LAND OF LIBERTY ♪

♪ OF THEE I SING... ♪

THAT’S IT. ON THE LAKE.

COME ON. WE SAVE THE PROFESSOR.

MAXIMILLIAN, I WARN YOU, IF MISS DUBOIS

AND HEZEKIAH ARE NOT IN THE CASTLE,

I PERSONALLY SHALL--

THEY’RE THERE. I SWEAR IT.

COME ON. SAVE THE PROFESSOR.

THEY’RE THERE. THEY’RE THERE.

CROSS MY HEART.

SHH! SHH!

THE RIVER. THE RIVER.

SHH!

WHAT’S IT FOR?

DO AS I TELL YOU. STAY DOWN.

DOWN. DOWN.

♪ LAND WHERE OUR FATHERS DIED ♪

♪ LAND OF THY PILGRIM’S PRIDE ♪

♪ FROM EVERY MOUNTAINSIDE ♪

♪ LET FREEDOM RING ♪

WOW! BRAVO.

OH, SHUT UP, PROFESSOR.

HA HA!

♪ MY... ♪

ENCORE.

♪ COUNTRY... ♪

THEY’RE... THEY’RE...

THERE. THERE.

HERE COMES THE MARINES!

GOOD EVENING, BARON.

WELL, MR. LESLIE.

WHAT A PLEASANT SURPRISE.

I HALF EXPECTED TO SEE YOU AGAIN, BUT, UH...

NOT WITH A SWORD IN YOUR HAND.

YOU PREFER THE FOIL?

NOT PARTICULARLY.

IT HAPPENED TO BE CONVENIENT.

I PRESUME YOU KNOW HOW TO USE ONE.

I HOPE THAT WON’T BE NECESSARY.

I’M SURE YOU DO.

WILL, UH, YOU RELEASE MISS DUBOIS

AND THE OTHERS?

NO.

I’M AFRAID THIS WILL BE NECESSARY.

YOU’RE BEING VERY FOOLISH.

THAT’S AN ASSUMPTION, BARON.

YOU MAKE ME THE VICTIM EVEN BEFORE WE START.

IT’S YOUR LIFE.

YOU’RE ASSUMING AGAIN.

EN GARDE.

HEH HEH HEH.

VERY ADROIT, MR. LESLIE.

VERY SKILLED.

MY COMPLIMENTS, MR. LESLIE.

YOU HANDLE A FOIL VERY WELL.

THANK YOU, BARON. SO DO YOU.

PERSONALLY, I PREFER A MAN’S WEAPON.

HOW ARE YOU WITH A SABER?

THERE’S ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT.

MR. LESLIE.

SURROUND HIM!

LOOK OUT! LOOK OUT! LOOK OUT!

[ENGINE BACKFIRES]

OH, THE SMOKE.

[COUGHING]

AHA!

AAH!

ET LA.

RUNNING AWAY, BARON?

AS A VERY WISE ENGLISH GENTLEMAN ONCE SAID,

"HE WHO FIGHTS AND RUNS AWAY,

MAY LIVE TO FIGHT ANOTHER DAY."

SO, UNTIL ANOTHER DAY, MR. LESLIE.

PLEASE EXCUSE ME. I HAVE A BOAT WAITING.

[STATELY MUSIC PLAYING]

FASTER!

HA HA HA!

[SINGING IN LATIN]

[PRAYING IN LATIN]

PROFESSOR, THE JIG IS UP.

YOUR HIGHNESS.

YOUR ROYAL HIGHNESS!

YOUR ROYAL HIGHNESS!

BUT, YOUR HIGHNESS!

YOUR HIGHNESS!

WAIT!

YOUR ROYAL HIGHNESS!

MY PRINCE!

OUT OF MY WAY.

YOUR HIGHNESS!

OHH!

UHH.

YOUR HIGHNESS...

WE’VE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE.

YOU WOULDN’T DARE.

OOOOH!

MISS DUBOIS...

MISS DUBOIS...

PLEASE!

WAIT FOR ME! WAIT FOR ME!

OH!

YOUR MAJESTY?

HI THERE.

MMMHUH, BRANDY.

THROW MORE BRANDY!

THROW BRANDY!

MORE BRANDY!

BRANDY! HA!

THROW MORE BRANDY!

BRAN--

RUM! I NEVER MIX MY PIES!

AH HA HA HA!

I WANT TO PLAY, TOO!

OH, MISS DUBOIS...

HEY, PROFESSOR!

HEY, PROFESSOR!

PROFESSOR! IT’S ALL SET!

UHH!

AHH!

OH!

GRRR!

HEY, PROFESSOR!

YOU! YOU’RE THE CAUSE OF IT ALL! IT WAS YOUR IDEA!

NO, NO, YOUR HIGHNESS.

IT WAS BARON VON STUPPE!

I DON’T CARE! I DON’T CARE!

YOU’RE BANISHED.

I’M GETTING A NEW TUCKER-INNER.

BANISHED, BANISHED, BANISHED!

OOH!

UH, MISS DUBOIS...

HEY, PROFESSOR!

HEY, PROFESSOR, WHERE ARE YOU?

RIGHT HERE, YOU IDIOT!

TERRIFIC. LET’S GO. I GOT THE CAR.

GO!

MORE PIES!

MORE PIES!

BAKER!

BAKER!

MORE PIES!

AH HA HA HA!

OH, LESLIE...

LESLIE!

GET IN THE CAR!

START THE CAR!

I’LL CRANK IT UP. YOU GET IT RUNNING!

TAKE IT AWAY!

GET IN!

TAKE IT AWAY!

HAH HA HA HA!

GOODBYE!

FAREWELL, YOU GOOD LESLIE, YOU!

I HOPE YOU WIN! I HOPE YOU WIN!

I’LL MISS HIM.

OH! THERE IT IS!

GENERAL.

OH!

E-FLAT.

I THINK I BETTER GO AND FIX THE CAR.

♪ WAITING FOR ♪

♪ BIG BLOSSOMS ♪

♪ OF WHITE ♪

♪ WILL BURST INTO SIGHT ♪

♪ AND YOUR LOVE WILL BE TRUE ♪

♪ EVERMORE ♪

MISS DUBOIS...

YES?

I BELIEVE THE TIME HAS COME FOR US

TO RESOLVE OUR DIFFERENCES.

GOOD.

AS YOU KNOW, I’VE, UH...

STEADFASTLY MAINTAINED AN UNCOMPROMISING POSITION

ABOUT WOMEN’S RIGHTS AND THE EQUALITY OF SEXES.

AS HAVE I.

MM-HMM.

THEREFORE IT IS SAFE TO ASSUME THAT HAS BEEN

THE PRINCIPAL AREA OF OUR CONFLICT.

NO DOUBT ABOUT IT.

THEREFORE, IN THE INTEREST OF PROGRESS AND HARMONY,

I AM WILLING TO CONCEDE TO YOUR POINT OF VIEW.

CONCEDE?

YOU ARE AN EMANCIPATED WOMAN, MISS DUBOIS.

AND I...

AM AN EMANCIPATED MAN.

[HONK HONK]

OW!

TIRE!

OOOW!

COME BACK HERE!

YOU ARE THE MOST UNREASONABLE, INCONSISTENT FEMALE--

I’M UNREASONABLE? I’M INCONSISTENT?

YES. YES. YOU’RE--

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

TALK ABOUT INCONSISTENT.

INCONSISTENT?

AND UNREASONABLE.

UNREASONABLE?

AND ARROGANT.

ARROGANT?

YES, ARROGANT.

ALL RIGHT, MISS DUBOIS,

LET’S DISCUSS ARROGANCE FOR A MOMENT.

ALL RIGHT, MR. LESLIE. LET’S.

ANY WOMAN WHO HAS THE UNMITIGATED ARROGANCE

TO CONSIDER HERSELF MAN’S EQUAL--

ANY MAN WITH THE UNMITIGATED ARROGANCE

TO CONSIDER HIMSELF BETTER THAN A WOMAN--

ANY FOOL KNOWS THAT A WOMAN--

THAT’S RIGHT. ANY FOOL.

YOU KNOW WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

I KNOW WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH YOU.

[HONK HONK] HAH HA HA HA!

WHAT DID I TELL YOU, MAX!

SHE’S GOING TO WIN THE RACE FOR US,

THE BUBBLE-HEADED VIXEN!

I ONLY TRIED TO KISS YOU.

I KNOW WHAT YOU TRIED TO DO.

YOU’RE THE ONE THAT’S BEEN PREACHING EMANCIPATION,

SEXUAL EQUALITY.

WE’RE GOING TO WIN, MAX.

WE’RE GOING TO WIN! HA HA!

I THINK YOU TURN RIGHT AT THE NEXT CORNER.

YOU’RE NOT TALKING ABOUT EQUAL RIGHTS.

I KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT.

YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT SOME CONVENIENT FEMININE UTOPIA

THAT HAS ALL OF THE ADVANTAGES

AND NONE OF THE RESPONSIBILITIES.

RESPONSIBILITIES?

LOOK WHO’S TALKING ABOUT RESPONSIBILITIES.

TURN RIGHT.

[HONK HONK]

GO BACK AND TURN RIGHT.

WE DO NOT TURN RIGHT.

I KNOW PARIS.

SO DO I.

YOU HAVE TO TURN RIGHT

IN ORDER TO GET TO THE EIFFEL TOWER.

IF WE TURNED RIGHT BACK THERE,

WE’D END UP ON THE MONTMARTRE STEPS.

YOU TALK A GOOD FIGHT,

BUT WHEN IT COMES DOWN TO IT,

YOU’RE AS EMANCIPATED

AS A CONFIRMED SPINSTER IN A KNITTING BEE.

HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?

YOU’RE THE SUFFRAGETTE.

YOU’RE THE ONE WHO WANTED TO BRING SEX OUT INTO THE OPEN.

SO?

SO, I BROUGHT IT OUT INTO THE OPEN,

AND I GOT SLAPPED IN THE FACE FOR MY TROUBLE.

YOUR INTERPRETATION

OF BRINGING SEX OUT INTO THE OPEN

AND MINE ARE TWO DIFFERENT THINGS.

WELL, WILL YOU PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOUR CONCEPT OF SEX IS?

GLADLY!

[HONK HONK]

[HONK HONK]

[HONK HONK]

YOU AND YOUR STUPID MAP!

SHE’S STILL WITH HIM. YOU SAID AS LONG AS

SHE WAS STILL WITH HIM, WE COULDN’T LOSE.

AW, SHUT UP!

AND BECAUSE I CONSIDER MYSELF SEXUALLY FREE

AND MORALLY EMANCIPATED,

I AM STILL A RESPONSIBLE, DISCRIMINATING WOMAN

WHO DOES NOT INTEND TO JUMP INTO BED

WITH THE FIRST WAVY-HAIRED,

MUSCLEBOUND, EGOCENTRIC MALE

WHO THINKS HE CAN SEDUCE ME

BY AGREEING WITH SOME OF THE THINGS I BELIEVE IN.

I ONLY WANTED TO KISS YOU.

WHY?

BECAUSE I LOVE YOU, THAT’S WHY.

HAH!

YOU DON’T BELIEVE ME?

I DO NOT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

PROVING THAT I LOVE YOU.

YOU’LL LOSE THE RACE!

CAN YOU THINK OF A BETTER WAY TO PROVE IT?

BOSS! MOVE IT.

[HONK HONK]

[HONKING]

I WON!

I--I WON.

WE WON! I WON!

I WON! WE WON!

I WON!

WE WON!

I AM INVINCIBLE!

WE WON!

I HAVE BEATEN LESLIE AT LAST!

I HAVE BEATEN HIM!

AH, THE WORLD IS MINE!

THE WORLD IS OURS!

YOU LOST.

ONLY THE RACE.

HE IS KING! I AM KING!

I AM THE KING!

NO, I’M NOT!

I DIDN’T BEAT HIM!

HE LET ME WIN!

I CAN’T WIN THIS WAY.

I CAN ONLY WIN ONE WAY! MY WAY!

HE LET ME WIN!

I CAN’T WIN YOUR WAY!

YOU CHEATED!

YOU CHEATED!

YOU CHEATED!

YOU CHEATED!

YOU CHEATED! CHEATED!

I HATE YOU!

I REFUSE TO ACCEPT!

I WON’T WIN ANY WAY BUT MY WAY.

YOU RUINED MY REPUTATION, DO YOU HEAR?

YOU I HATE!

YOU AND YOUR HAIR THAT’S ALWAYS COMBED!

YOUR SUIT IS ALWAYS WHITE. YOUR CAR IS ALWAYS CLEAN!

I REFUSE TO ACCEPT!

I CHALLENGE YOU TO ANOTHER RACE!

[CROWD CHEERS]

GET OFF MY HOOD!

ANOTHER RACE!

[STARTER’S GUN GOES OFF]

COME ON, PROFESSOR. GO!

[HONK HONK]

COME ON! GO!

RELAX. THIS TIME I’M GOING TO WIN IT MY WAY.

PUSH THE BUTTON, MAX.

[BOOM]

♪ THEY SAY THERE’S A TREE IN THE FOREST ♪

♪ A TREE THAT WILL GIVE YOU A SIGN ♪

♪ COME ALONG WITH ME TO THE SWEETHEART TREE ♪

♪ COME AND CARVE YOUR NAME NEXT TO MINE ♪

♪ THEY SAY IF YOU KISS THE RIGHT SWEETHEART ♪

♪ THE ONE YOU’VE BEEN WAITING FOR ♪

♪ BIG BLOSSOMS OF WHITE WILL BURST INTO SIGHT ♪

♪ AND YOUR LOVE WILL BE TRUE EVERMORE ♪

♪ THEY SAY IF YOU KISS THE RIGHT SWEETHEART ♪

♪ THE ONE YOU’VE BEEN WAITING FOR ♪

♪ BIG BLOSSOMS OF WHITE ♪

♪ WILL BURST INTO SIGHT ♪

♪ AND YOUR LOVE WILL BE TRUE ♪

♪ EVERMORE ♪

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.

CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org--

CAPTIONS COPYRIGHT 1991 WARNER BROS. PICTURES, INC. AND PATRICIA-JALEM REYNARD COMPANY