Original subtitles

# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians

# Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

# Woeful wars, ferocious fights

# Dingy castles, daring knights

# Horrors that defy description

# Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes

# Punishments from ancient times

# Romans - rotten, rank and ruthless

# Cavemen - savage, fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks, reigning sages

# Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories, we do that

# And your host, a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Welcome to...

# Horrible Histories. #

Horrible Histories presents...

Ahoy there! Tis I, Captain Ratbeard, aboard my vessel,

the Ratty McRatface.

Aha!

A scurvy ratscle like me can travel around the whole world by boat

if he knows what he's doing.

Sadly, I haven't got a clue.

I'm lost already.

Help!

Has anyone got a rat nav or a Viking?!

They had loads of ingenious ways of navigating the oceans -

long before people started using technology to do the job.

How are you enjoying your first ocean voyage, Tristan?

Huva! Huva! Ha-ha.

Yeah, better out than in.

Especially if you've been eating fermented shark.

Huva!

Are we nearly there yet?

Oh, yeah, almost there. How do you know?

Look up... What is it?

Ugh! Huva!

My bad, should have said look up,

but keep your mouth closed in case a bird does a poop in it.

Anyway, these birds,

they never stray far from land,

so when we see them,

we know we're close.

Look, there's a lot of them.

Excellent!

That tells us that we're very close to land now.

But how do you know which direction to go?

There are certain clouds that only appear above land,

so we just simply head for them.

Oh! Like that one up there?

HE GROANS

No, that's not a cloud.

That's the same group of birds from before,

but all bunched together in a big poopy bunch.

Huva!

You don't say.

Yeah, you don't often see that.

So I see how the clouds and the birds work, but...

HE SPITS

..we've sailed all the way from Iceland.

How do you know which direction to sail

when you're a long way from land on the open sea?

It's all up here.

You see, I know that if we travel from Snaefellsnes in Iceland

to Hvarf in Greenland,

the North Star will always be the same height

above the horizon in both places.

So, we sail for four days,

keep the North Star in the same place,

and, well, you should arrive in about...

Hey, we're there!

Where did you learn all this?

Most Vikings learn it from their families.

Oh, wait,

I didn't want to go to Hvarf in Greenland.

I wanted to go to Starr in Norway.

What? But you kept saying, "Hvarf, Hvarf."

Huva! Huva!

Oh.

Huva!

I think I know what's happened here.

It's funny. I'm completely clean,

and yet you are covered in poo.

BIRD SQUAWKS

Check it out.

It crosses oceans,

it sails up rivers,

it's a brand-new Viking longship.

At top speed,

it can go over 35km per hour!

That's really fast! Really fast!

It can even sail through terrible storms.

This beast is such a beast,

it even has a beast head on the front!

Beast heads can be anything -

a snake, a bull,

a dragon,

a hamster!

Not a hamster.

That's not beasty enough for this beast.

The longship is the same shape

at the front and the back

so it can go in both directions,

all you have to do is turn around

and row the other way.

In fact, I think the only problem

with the longship is poo -

it absolutely stinks when it's new.

Stinky ship alert! Ha-ha. Ha-ha!

It's covered in fat and sticky tar

to make it waterproof.

Ahh!

I think I'm stuck to the tar!

Ah, bums. Oy!

It's nearly bedtime here at YeBeebies,

so for all you little mariners sailing off to Sleep Island,

we've got a special guest today to tell us a bedtime story

about their real-life adventures.

Hello, boys and girls.

I am Christopher Columbus

and in 1492,

I sailed the ocean blue,

searching for a new trade route

between Europe and China.

But what I actually discovered was

an entire new continent -

the Americas.

What an adventure!

It was full of exciting, vibrant people

that I could kidnap and force to work for me.

Sorry, what?

And there was nothing they could do

because we were so heavily armed.

OK, how about we just stick to the adventure bits.

OK.

There were lots of swashbuckling battles as we fought for our lives.

There we go!

Exciting! Charge!

The battles ended when I cut the heads off

three local people.

Here, let me show you how I did it.

OK, seriously,

I think we should stop talking about the nasty stuff that you did

to those poor people who were already living there

and focus on the exploring.

That's fine.

After we finished, there weren't many of them left anyway.

Now, did you know

the Americas are filled with gold?

Oh, treasure! That's more like it.

Did you have a treasure map?

I didn't need one.

I just said I'd kill any local person over the age of 14

who didn't bring me gold -

much easier.

OK. I think we've had enough of

your adventures for one day.

Possibly forever.

You know, I think the message of my story

is when you are faced with an impossible task,

what you really need to do is believe in yourself.

Wow. That is a great message for our children.

For example, I believed it was right

to have members of my own crew

whipped for buying food without my permission.

OK. OK, get out! Get out.

SOFTLY: We're going to get complaints about this.

Oh, I had someone complain about what I did once -

I just cut out their tongue.

What are you doing here?

Goodnight, boys and girls!

Goodnight, children!

Is he still here?

Is he... Which way is the canteen?

Oh, hello there, are you looking to set sail soon?

Well, then, you've come to the right place.

I'm Bessie Miller, 19th century sea-based sales woman.

I, and many people like me, used to sell something vital to sailors,

but can you tell me what it was?

Was it...

The answer is C - wind.

We would sell wind to sailors

and they thought if they didn't buy the wind,

their sailboats wouldn't be able to sail! Ha!

That's right, we claimed to have complete control of the wind.

SHE TOOTS Oop!

Sorry. Not that kind of wind.

SHE TOOTS Oop!

Boats haven't just been used to explore the oceans,

they've also been used to fight wars on them.

In 1588, King Philip II of Spain unleashed the Spanish Armada,

when he sent hundreds of his ships to war

with England and Queen Elizabeth I.

His fleet was defeated,

but more armadas were soon to come -

and they weren't all Spanish.

Ahh!

That huge amount of ships that we sent against the English?

I think we made them mad.

Try and invade us, will you, Spain?

Well, now, it's payment time!

Sir Francis Drake.

Your Maj.

Unleash the English Armada.

You had me at "Unleash the Eng..."

Led by Francis Drake,

aboard his ship Revenge.

180 ships, tens of thousands of soldiers.

We shall destroy the Spanish fleet!

Attack!

Wait!

Instead of their fleet of ships,

let's attack the Spanish city of Coruna.

I wonder if they've conquered Spain yet.

Hmm.

OK, it might take a bit longer than I thought.

Longer?

The winds are blowing in the wrong direction!

The men are dying of starvation and sickness!

What are you complaining about?

We've still got 5,000 men.

Yes, but we started out with tens of thousands of men!

That's not ideal.

You know the English Armada

we sent against the Spanish

because of the Spanish Armada they sent against us?

Well, I think they may be planning revenge.

No!

Yes, another Spanish Armada!

I'm beginning to think armadas might be overrated.

Yeah.

Aha!

We pirates are the terror of the high seas,

everyone be afraid of us!

Mostly because we can't steer the boats

and we're always bumping into them.

But, you know, ships don't just go travelling on the water,

they can also go under it - in submarines!

But what's it like to actually go in a submarine?

And when I say go, I'm not talking about how you travel in one.

# Loo Man, Loo Man

# The living toilet poo man

# From the Middle Ages

# With a bucket so that you can

# Have a poo in a private place

# Sitting on my bucket with a cape to hide your face

# Head, bum And then you're done

# I will charge depending if you did a two or one

# Loo Man! #

STOMACH GURGLING

Oh! Nein, nein, nein! Urgh!

Oh!

Greetings, friend.

Who are you and what are you doing on my U-boat?

I am Loo Man, the living lavatory. STOMACH GURGLES

And you look like a man who needs a little U-boat kept in his room.

Yeah, I...I do.

Well, then, I would like to apply for the jobbies.

We have a toilet.

I'm meeting the engineers there now.

Engineer? Yeah, flushing the boat's toilet is very complex

and only a specially trained person can do it.

I'm intrigued.

It is ready for you, Captain.

Oh, thank goodness! STOMACH GURGLES

Oh, torpedoes away! FARTING, SPLASHING

Oh, there we go. Oh! FARTING

Tell me, mein freund,

do you call them the captain's logs?

Oh, this is the best!

Sorry, Loo Man. Oh!

A pleasure to meet a fellow poo-fessional. Oh!

Feel better?

Oh, yes. Thank you.

I'd give it funf if I were you. Yes, Captain.

Er, you may flush when ready, engineer.

Aye, aye, Captain.

Ergh.

Right. Right.

Hello. Goodness, yeah, my setup's a lot simpler than yours,

if you want me to take you through it.

Er, nein. Danke.

Please do not disturb me, I must turn these levers and valves

in exactly the right order,

otherwise the sea water

will flood into the vessel.

OK, yeah, of course.

Erm, out of interest,

how many buckets worth of bum bratwurst does this baby store?

Well, actually, the sub does not store its poop.

Instead, we fire turd-pedos into the ocean

with compressed air.

Love it!

ALARM BLARES Hello!

What's happened? Has it done a floater?

Oh, no.

I think I did the wrong sequence.

The toilet is filling up with sea water and the captain's logs...

Oh, you do call them the captain's logs, then!

Captain, the toilet sewage has leaked into the ship's batteries

and the sub is filling with poisonous gas!

We must surface and abandon ship!

Oh, dear. Abandon ship! Code brown!

Abandon ship, abandon ship!

EXPLOSION

Could've used the bucket.

Am I in? Get back a bit, a bit.

If this doesn't go viral, it's on you, all right?

OK, I'm going.

What's up, boat fans?

Want to make a top of the line Assyrian riverboat?

You need three things.

And there's a secret

third ingredient.

DONKEY BRAYS Whoa! That's right, a donkey.

This boat puts the ass

in Assyrian.

What you need to do is first make a wooden frame,

you line it with inflated animal bladders...

..then this boat is going to float you

all the way downstream to Babylon, baby.

But it's a bit harder getting back

cos the water's going the wrong way.

That's where the donkey comes in.

So, what you need to do is dismantle

the boat and sell the wood.

Cha-ching!

Then you need to put the inflated animal bladders on the donkey

and walk home,

letting the donkey

do the donkey work. DONKEY BRAYS

That's right, my friends,

this boat is geni-ass.

DONKEY BRAYS Ow, ow! I hate that donkey!

Yeah!

Ever since there have been ships at sea, there have been pirates,

even as far back as Ancient Roman times.

A young Julius Caesar found that out long before

he became a famous Roman general,

when pirates captured him while he was studying in Greece.

GASPS

Captain, we have captured

a young nobleman. He's a Roman.

Perfect.

Tremble, Roman, for you have been captured by the Cilician Pirates.

Yeah, can we hurry this up?

Eh? Look, I'm Gaius Julius Caesar.

I've got a lot on and this is really starting to drag.

Tremble, Ro... But we did that bit!

Can we just get to the ransom demand?

Right, if your friends want to see you alive again...

Yeah, blah-blah-blah.

Yeah, how much? You serious?

20 talents of silver.

20! Yeah.

How dare you?!

Tie me up. Wrists.

I'm staying right here until you get a fee worthy of me.

I mean, honestly! Ankles.

I... I'm worth 50 talents, at least.

Fine, then. 50 talents, please.

Thank you!

20! Genuinely hurt by that.

OK, I'll get my men to arrange the payments.

Huh! Huh! Oi, men!

I've been captured by Ci... Cilisi...

Cilician. Cilician pirates!

I need you to go around the Aegean coastal cities and raise 50 talents.

And if they complain, kindly remind them

that if they were patrolling properly,

then we wouldn't be having so much trouble with these low lives!

No offence.

Huh! Hu-uh.

Down.

Steve, you don't have to.

Good boy.

What are you doing? Ah!

So, what have you guys got planned for entertainment?

Entertainment?

Well, sometimes we play ballgames or hold athletic tournaments.

We should be quiet. I don't want to play with him.

Sounds fun, I'm in.

Oh, and also I'm going to need a few of your men for an audience.

Audience? Yeah, I'll be writing some poetry whilst I'm here

and it'd be good to get some feedback. Feedback?

Well, my men don't really like poetry.

Great! I've been kidnapped by a bunch of oiks

who don't appreciate the arts.

Urgh! Fine, I'll just get some shut-eye.

Just keep it down, yeah?

No, I will not keep it down!

I've got to keep it loud. I'm a pirate!

Shush! Oh, and by the way,

when I get free, I'm going to hunt you all down

and have you crucified - and not in a nice way.

Oh! I'd rather that

than listen to his poetry.

Oh-ho-ho-ho! The burn.

I can hear you, you know?

Sorry.

Almost home to Spain,

I can't wait to... SQUEALS

Arrgh!

THEY GASP

Boarded by pirates when we were almost home to Spain.

Pirates in this part of the Mediterranean?

You know what that could mean...

They are going to rob and torture us?

GASPS You don't think it means

we're being boarded by... BOTH: Sayyida al-Hurra!

Ya!

CHEERING

What a queen!

Yes, pirate queen.

What are you both so happy about?

We're going to get killed.

Quake in fear, for it is I, Queen Sayyida.

Look, it's going to take ages to write the whole thing,

can we just all agree it says "Sayyida"?

Die, pirate queen!

Wah!

GASPS You're amazing.

Seriously?

You're fawning over a pirate queen.

Sayyida isn't just a pirate queen.

She's the Queen of Morocco.

Oh, yeah, the Sultan of Morocco put a ring on it.

Oh, would you sign my arm?

Oh, I'm assuming you're not planning to chop it off or anything.

I'm more into gold than terrorising people.

Unless you're Spanish. THEY TREMBLE

The reason I do all this is to get my revenge on the Spanish

for invading my home in Grenada and exiling me.

GASPS

Er, what name shall I put?

Carlos.

PIRATES SNARL

That's a Spanish name, innit?

Oh, erm, yes. A bit.

It's, er, short for Charles.

Hmm, OK.

"To Charles, from Sayyida."

There. Oh, thank you!

Oh, for a moment there, I thought you were about to kill me.

Oh... CHUCKLES

..I am going to kill ya.

GASPS

But now they can use your arm to identify you

after I've cut your Spanish head off.

Well, I don't mind.

I've met Queen Sayyida, so I can die happy.

Do you, er, know these two?

No, no, no!

Where are my manners?

This is Fernando and Manuel.

Oh, goodie, more Spaniards.

Well, gracias for nothing!

Ah, killed by Queen Sayyida.

I can't wait to tell everyone back home.

Worst voyage ever!

John?

Yeah.

I was just, er, thinking about our future together.

Oh, no, here we go again. SIGHS

I think we should take our pirate relationship

to the next level.

I want to have a matelotage.

Pete, now is not a good time to talk about this.

Stinky Joe's listening.

Don't mind me! FARTING, SPLASHING

Oh! Sorry to interrupt,

but, er... Oh!

What's a matelotage? FARTING

Well, you know, it's when two pirates formally pair up

and share their belongings.

Oh, like getting married. FARTING, SPLASHING

Oh, cor, it's like I've eaten a load of gunpowder

and then stuck a lit match up me...

It's nothing like getting married! FARTS

Anyway, I've drafted up this contract for us.

I'm going to read it aloud and if you agree,

you can just say, "I do."

It sounds a bit like wedding vows. FARTING, SPLASHING

Oh! I don't know what I'm going to do when the bucket's full.

Pete, stop.

Do you, John, take me, Pete,

to be your lawful buccaneer partner?

Sounds exactly like wedding vows.

We can seal a deal by, er, exchanging some of our treasure

as a sign of trust.

Oh, yeah.

A couple of rings, maybe.

Shut it, Stinky Joe!

OK, coincidentally, yes, I was going to suggest a ring

that I stole when we plundered the Queen Mary.

You know, I thought right then

that you are the shipmate for me.

I promised meself I wouldn't cry.

FARTING, SPLASHING Oh!

But that's going to bring tears to anyone's eyes!

Shush! It's not a wedding,

it's a matelotage.

Pete, I'm flattered, I really am, but I just can't commit...

And when I die, as is traditional with all matelotages,

you get to keep all my stuff.

Pete! You're not listening.

I can't have a matelotage with you! Why not?

Because I'm having a matelotage with someone else, all right?

FARTS

Well...this is awkward.

FARTS

Pete, please, say something.

GROANING, SPLASHING

FARTS

Frankly, I think that says it all.

Pete!

Hi, guys!

She's Anne Bonny,

I'm Mary Read,

and together, we put the "Grrrrrr!"

in girl-boss pirates.

Thanks for joining us for our step-by-step guide to...

Now, we all find our pirate crews in different ways.

I disguised myself as a man...

Oh, manly!

..and joined a ship headed for the West Indies.

When we got attacked by pirates, I thought...

And I joined the same crew as Mary.

We are...

Now, you can't be shy of a bit of fisty cuffs if you're a pirate.

Mary here likes to shoot people for being cowards.

Guilty.

Now, all of this can get you into a teensy bit of trouble. Argh!

Admittedly, this is the one that we're not so good at.

Oh!

But definitely worth putting in the effort

because it could save your life.

Ooh!

When our pirate crew was captured

by the British Navy and sentenced to death,

Anne and I did something called...

So we went up to the executioner,

and in our best, sweetest, most ladiest voices, we said...

And action!

"Please, mister, don't kill me,

"I'm just a sweet little lady

"with a pirate baby in her tum-tum".

"You wouldn't hurt a lovely little baby pirate lady, would you?"

And it worked! Ah!

No executions for us, we were in the clear.

Well, almost.

Right, ladies, the judge wants to see you again.

Pleading the belly only gets you off the hook

while you're actually pregnant.

Well, that's all we've got time for today, girl boss pirate fans.

Don't forget to smash a like.

And if you see us coming,

run for your lives! We're pirates!

Arrrrr!

For much of history, only men were encouraged to be sailors.

But that didn't mean women couldn't find their way onto ships, too,

and not just as pirates.

Even though you had to be a man to join the Royal Navy

in the 18th century,

one clever young woman found a way to break the rules

and get herself onboard.

Well, men, after many long years in the Royal Navy,

we're finally back in England.

I'm proud to call you my brothers.

Peter.

Right back at you, man! Ha!

Michael. Brother in arms.

And old James.

Hey, brothers, men we all are.

Ha-ha!

Oh, do you know what? I'm going to have to come clean.

Speak your mind, my man.

Yeah, see, I'm not a man.

I'm a woman. My name is Hannah Snell,

and I only pretended to be a man so I could join the Royal Navy.

Oh! Oh.

But James... Hannah.

Did this happen when you came on land?

Is this like a mermaid thing where you become a man

when you go out to sea?

No, I've always been a woman.

Look, I only signed up to the Royal Navy so I could find my husband.

He was a Dutch sailor and he abandoned me after we got married.

And did you find him, James?

Hannah. Er, erm...

Yes. Aw.

He'd been executed.

Oh! Yes, that's less cute.

Why'd you bring that up? My bad.

I'll be honest with you, James...

Hannah. ..this is a lot to take in.

Seriously, none of you were suspicious about anything?

IMITATES EXPLOSION No.

Well, we've been sailing around together for years.

This has come completely out of the blue for me.

Michael, you used to call me Miss Molly!

Yeah, on account of your smooth ladylike cheeks

and the fact you never had to shave your beard!

What, and that didn't ring any bells?

Well, we just thought you were Norwegian.

OK, what about that time I got shot?

Instead of using the regiment's surgeon,

I insisted on dealing with it myself?

Well, I just thought that was very manly.

Coolest thing I've ever seen.

No, it was because some of the wounds were near me lady bits

and I didn't want to get found out. Whoa! TMI.

Well, James... Hannah.

Whatever your name is,

we do so hope that you will join us on our next voyage.

Aye. That's very kind of you,

but there's absolutely no way the Royal Navy will let me stay on now.

Probably just head home,

write a book, maybe run a pub.

Pubs?! They're no place for ladies!

We're in one right now!

Also, I can handle myself.

Remember, I was literally with you

in the middle of the fighting in India.

I got wounded in my legs 11 times.

Good times. Yes.

Well, Miss Molly,

it's been an absolute honour to serve with you. Yeah.

To James! To Jimmy! To James!

Oh, it's Hannah.

Now, who's Molly?

Because if I'm honest with you, I have not been following this at all.

Well, shipmates, our voyage is over

and we're coming back safely into port.

Nothing can go wrong... EXPLOSION

GASPS Ah!

My boat's sprung a leak!

I'm sinking!

And I was so close to home!

Still, it's not the first time a ship went down close to home.

Henry I's White Ship went down with his son and heir onboard

as it was leaving port.

Henry VIII's Mary Rose sank just outside Southampton.

And Swedish King Gustavus Adolphus's super ship, the Vasa,

sailed less than a mile before it sank.

Ah! Rats can swim, right?

I guess I'm about to find out. Ahh, ahh!

Oh, my goodness!

Look at that boat, it's sinking.

But isn't that boat the White Ship?

King Henry's son William Adelin is onboard that boat. Yeah.

# We sail big boats, but they make us cry

# The survivor of the wreck told I

# The White Ship went down with the heir to the crown

# The ship hit a rock and a leak got sprung

# Cos they took a chance when they sailed home from France

# They set off in the dark

# They thought it was a lark

# The crew were drunk My heir got sunk

# Didn't make it to shore Now there's gonna be war

# Hey, nobles Yeah!

# Nobles Yeah!

# Who'll be king now when I die?

# I use big boats when I fight in France

# But with one, took too much of a chance

# The Mary Rose got binned When she turned in the wind

# The water poured in And she got sunk

# We got ports right closed

# Sailors got hosed

# Lucky like a no-leaf clover

# When the ship tilted over

# She went down, 400 crowns

# But the French Armada, they achieved nada

# Cos we've got other boats Yeah!

# Boats Yeah!

# We like big boats Yeah!

Yo-yo! MC King Gustavus Adolphus on the decks.

Well, on the deck.

# I built big boats to put Sweden on the map

# The first launch and the crowd began to clap

# The Vasa was a beaut

# Cost us our loot

# One gust of wind And she got sunk

# Errors when it was built

# Made the ship over-tilt

# Its hatches split asunder

# And the water dragged her under

# Would have helped us rule the seas

# But was sunk by a gentle breeze

As the world stood and watched

# They saw our plans botched

# Hey, you Yeah!

# Did you see the boat go down? Yeah! #

Fancy pretending it didn't happen?

No. No.

Worth a try.

# We had big boats

# But they made us cry

# High hopes but things went awry

# The memory makes us wince

# Cos our ships took a rinse

# And we're legends ever since

# Cos these ships got sunk! #

I am Loo Man, the living lavatory.

Or as you might say in Germany, the cape...

Ha-ha!

I've turned into a muppet, that's what happened.

Urdy-hurdy.

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Hope you enjoyed

# Horrible Histories. #

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