Original subtitles

Mr. Nick Kingston-Persons?

Yeah? Can we come in?

Sure. Come on in.

Oh. Whoa. Wha... What is this?

Hi, Nick. I'm Karen.

And you have been selected to compete

in Hand on a House!

Uh, what is Hand on a House?

Wait, you guys are from Hand on a House?

Yes, we are.

Whoo!

That's what we want to see.

Okay, wait, wait. What is Hand on a House?

It's this contest they do where they give away a new house

to whoever can keep their hand on it the longest.

And you could win. Whoo!

Whoo-hoo.

Yeah, Dad. We signed you up.

They only pick, like, 30 people. This is awesome.

We're gonna win a free house.

Whoo!

Okay, hey, hey. Whoa, oh, oh, oh.

Let's back up. Back it up, all right?

Look, look, what is the catch?

All right, 'cause I know you're not giving away houses

just because you can put your hand on them.

Yes, we are.

Really?

Yes, we are.

Hey, hey, hey.

Really? Really.

Right. Thanks, but no, thanks.

But, Dad. Sir.

No one has ever turned down the chance to win a free house.

Whatever, okay?

Listen, all I know is,

if they were giving away free houses, I would've heard about it.

You're hearing about it now.

Guys, I know a scam when I see one.

Sir, Nick,

I can understand your hesitation,

but I assure you, this is real.

And the competition isn't until next weekend.

So, why don't you take a day or two,

check us out and then decide?

Dad, please? Come on, it's a free house.

I know. It'd be so cool.

Fine. I'll think about it.

Yes!

Dude! Just...

Great. Now, just in case you do decide to do it,

can we just re-film our entrance?

And this time, can you act excited?

Great. Back to one, people.

♪ Are we there yet?

♪ Tell me, tell me, tell me

♪ Tell me, are we there yet?

♪ Are we there yet?

Come on, Dad. You can't turn it down.

And why not?

Because it's a free house.

Look, guys, I know how this works, all right?

You might win the house,

but in order to get it,

you have to buy two or more houses of equal value.

Or you might get the house,

but first, you have to purchase the land that it's on.

Or you might win the house,

but the house is in Montana.

Now, I got to move to Montana.

You guys want to live in Montana? I don't.

I don't know, honey. It looks like the real deal.

They get sponsored by a lot of different companies,

and the free publicity pays for the house.

Well, that's good for them.

But I am not moving to Montana.

Dad, it's a free house.

Yeah, I mean, we could have tons of parties.

No, you can have parties.

I'm not gonna have time to party.

I'll be too busy paying for the upkeep of two houses.

Okay, Dad, look. Think about this, all right?

We could have one house for me and you

and one house for Mom and Lindsey.

Doesn't that sound cool?

That sounds like a divorce.

Ooh, that does sound cool.

Listen, what am I gonna do with another house?

What am I gonna do with the one I have?

Harbor fugitives. Make it into an FBI safe house.

Make it into a crack house. Who cares, man?

It's an extra house, and it's free. Come on, now.

I'm just saying.

Are you kidding? It's a house.

This is as close as you're ever gonna come to winning the lotto.

It's like your pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

It's your 40 acres and a mule.

But only better, because it's a house.

Wait, so I'm supposed to just stand there like an idiot

with my hand on a house, hoping I win it?

Yes.

Think of it as Suzanne.

How so?

I see where you're going with this.

Imagine a bunch of guys had their hands on Suzanne.

Hey, man.

Go with me on this.

And the last man standing gets to take her home.

Are you telling me you wouldn't be that guy?

Yeah, I'd be that guy.

See, well, then do this.

This is better than a wife. It's a house.

And if you're not gonna do it for yourself, do it for me.

For you?

Yes. Can you imagine what we could do with a second house?

Ooh, it could be our Monday night football house.

It could be our Sunday night poker house.

It can be my "Tuesday night,

"my wife is mad at me, can I stay at your house?" house.

It could be my "Saturday night

"I don't want this girl to know where my real house is" house.

Oh, so on Sunday night,

she comes back looking for you,

finds out you don't live there,

and then burns the house down.

I'd put a bag over her head, like a rendition.

Okay, look. Everybody's acting like I already won.

What if I don't win it?

Then it's just a big waste of time.

Or...

Or what?

You could win a free house.

Nick, what do you mean you're not gonna do it?

It's a free house.

You know the only other way to get a free house?

You got to marry a dude.

Then you got to wait a couple years.

You got to live with him and all that.

Then you divorce him and then you take the house.

If you're not gonna do it, I'll do it.

Look, it doesn't work that way.

You have to be selected.

Eh, it's probably for the best.

I mean, really, who needs five houses?

You have four houses?

Yeah, something like that. I don't know.

Maybe, maybe four. I don't know.

The ex took a couple of them.

You don't know how many houses you have,

and you don't know how many houses you've lost?

How white are you?

Ha! It ain't white. It's rich.

I know in my heart of hearts

that Russell Simmons has the same problem.

Nick, you have to do this.

Even if you don't win,

you're gonna get some great publicity. That's right.

You're gonna get more famous.

You're gonna make more money.

You'll buy another house. Same difference.

Even if I wanted to, you know, I just don't have time.

I mean, this contest takes days.

Nick, what do you think sick days are for?

For when you're sick.

You're kidding, right?

Nick, besides, do you know what your wife's gonna do

if you told her you had a chance to win a free house

and you didn't take it? No, what?

Nick, she's gonna divorce you.

Then she's gonna take the house.

Then you go from having two houses to no houses.

All right. All right. Fine. Fine.

I'll do it, if for nothing else,

to get everybody off my back.

Or you could win a free house. What don't you get?

Right, Jennifer? Yeah.

It's free, Nick. JENNIFER: Free.

Something for nothing. It don't get better than that.

Action.

The best part about this competition is,

if I win, I'll get a house,

and I'll never, ever date a guy with an apartment again,

unless it's a penthouse in a major city, not Detroit.

Raising the stakes, people. Raising the stakes.

Okay, so this is for a documentary?

Yeah, we're trying to sell it on TV.

Ooh, that's good. That's very good.

Uh, Gigi? Yeah.

What's wrong with a guy with an apartment?

I had an apartment when I met Suzanne.

And now you have a house, don't you, Nick?

I mean, come on. Just, look,

if I married a guy with an apartment

and I divorced him, which I would,

because he has an apartment,

what am I left with, Nick?

An apartment.

I cannot believe you and Gigi both got picked to be in this contest.

I know, right? What are the odds?

Zero. I used... No.

I used to date the guy who put together the list.

He owed me a favor.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. What kind of favor is worth a free house?

So innocent.

Hey, Ma, you came to cheer me on.

Cheer you on? No, baby. I came here to take you out.

I need to win this house for me.

How did you get in this contest?

Just a couple days ago, you didn't even know about it.

Oh, I used to play poker with some guys

from the real estate office who sponsor this thing.

It was his way of getting me back what he owes me.

You guys are in this, too?

That's right, baby. You know what?

You could just go home right now. I'm winning this house.

I don't mean to be disrespectful,

but you have a better chance of growing to be 5'6" than winning this house.

I'm already 5'6".

Oh. Well, at my height, everything sounds tall.

How'd you get in this?

My uncle bribed somebody.

And by "bribed somebody," I mean "gave them money."

Troy, aren't you a little young to be in this contest, man?

Actually, Mr. Kingston-Persons,

a kid could totally be in this contest.

They just have to have their parents sign a consent form.

Kevin, Lindsey.

Why aren't you guys in this contest instead of me?

Are you crazy?

I mean, seriously, who wants to be around a bunch of smelly people

with their hand on a wall for two days?

Ooh.

Who's that?

That's Luke Bonnie.

Uh-oh. "Uh-oh" what?

I read about him when I was doing research for the contest.

He has won every hand-on-something competition

they've had for four years running.

Yeah. He's won Hand on a Horse,

Hand on a Helicopter,

Hand on a Holiday, and Hand on a Ham.

How does he win so much?

He has a prosthetic arm,

so he can go on for days.

In fact, he won it in a competition called Stump on an Arm.

Well, how are we supposed to compete against that?

You're not.

And, by the way, I do hope you wiped your feet good before you came in here.

I don't need you tracking no mud in my new house.

He did not go there, did he?

Whoa, whoa, man. No, no, these 14s are clean, player.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Okay, everyone... Oh, Luke!

Oh, my goodness. You're here.

Annie. What an honor.

So good to see you.

My goodness. This is so wonderful.

Okay, anyway, it's almost time for the contest to begin.

So, everyone take a spot near the wall, all right?

Okay, now, here are the rules:

Everyone put a hand on a part of the wall in the house,

any part, okay.

No sitting.

Now, if at any moment,

your hand loses touch with the wall,

you're out of the competition.

We're gonna take a 15-minute break

in groups every six hours.

Does everyone understand?

Yeah, yeah. NICK: Yeah.

Y'all might as well quit.

What's that supposed to mean?

Listen, don't mind him.

He's just trying to psych you out. Relax.

I'm not relaxing, Nick. I'm winning. I'm winning.

So, let's get this party started, Annie.

All right, it's gonna be Hands on a House in three, two, one.

Whoo! You're all going down, suckers! Ha-ha!

Hello?

And you're out. I can't hear.

What? I just lost a house because of you. What is it?

So...

I hear you've won a bunch of these competitions.

You heard right.

And just so you know,

I'm gonna win this one, too.

Sorry.

I don't need your "sorry," okay?

All right, you're gonna need it.

Sure. And I don't have to do it with some fake hand.

It's not a fake hand. It's prosthetic.

What's the difference, man?

A fake hand can't do the things this hand can do.

This thing's like a super hand.

As a matter of fact,

my prosthetic arm has done way more

than my other arm has ever done in my whole life.

And I thank it every day.

And I'm gonna thank it again after I win this house.

How'd you lose that hand, anyway?

Pit bull.

A pit bull bit off your whole arm?

Just the hand.

Pit bull clamped down on it.

Two hundred and fifty pounds of pressure per square inch.

Had to cut it off. But I learned something that day.

Mmm. I didn't know pit bull bites were that serious.

They're not.

That's what I learned.

If I would've just stayed calm

and quit yanking on it, it would've let go.

Instead, cut my hand off for nothing.

Well, so that's the hand, man.

I mean, what happened to the rest of your arm?

About a month later, working on a ventilation duct,

got my forearm stuck in there

and had to cut it off.

I learned something then, too, though.

Oh, don't tell me your forearm wasn't stuck.

Oh, it was stuck, just not this one.

It was my other arm.

But what I learned was,

stay calm in emergencies.

Well, that explains the arm

from the shoulder to the elbow,

but what about the rest?

About a month and a half after that,

I was out in the forest, chopping down some wood.

A big tree fell on it.

And you cut it off?

No, it actually came right out of there.

It was just nudged in there a little bit.

But then this big bear came up on me.

I was standing there going,

"Stay calm. Don't panic. Don't run."

I did the wrong thing. I should've run.

Well, as good as you've been doing in these contests,

looks like all you need is one arm.

That's a good one.

I have two arms. One of them's prosthetic.

Well, how many houses have you won with that thing, anyway?

Well, thank you for calling my arm a thing.

And it's seven, not counting this one.

Wait, wait. Well, what are you gonna do with another house, man?

I mean, why don't you give somebody else a chance?

That's easy for you to say.

Why don't you let a bear eat your arm off,

and then you tell me why I don't.

Are you feeling run-down at all?

Run-down?

Just because I've been standing here for 12 hours

with my hand on a wall with no food, no water,

not being able to go to the bathroom,

a crook in my neck, a sore back,

tendinitis in my knee and blisters on my feet?

Hell, yeah, I'm run-down.

Girl, give me that ice pack.

Here you go.

Get out of my face, boy.

Okay, everyone,

we're approaching our 12th-hour 15-minute break

in three, two, one.

Move your hands.

I can barely feel my arm.

The last time I felt my arm, a bear had it in his mouth.

This is harder than I thought.

Tell me about it.

I'd take being tied up in a trunk over this any day.

Well, I'll tell you what.

Some of these people are nasty.

I mean, you'd think if you knew you were gonna be

standing around with your arm up for who knows how long,

you'd wash under it.

You sure it's not just a tactic?

Well, if the woman didn't smell like funk uncut, I'd say yeah.

All right, everybody,

I've got some refreshments,

got some pick-me-ups, and of course,

a nice fresh change of clothing.

Ooh, thank goodness. Let me have that.

My shirt is covered with secondhand funk.

Here, buddy, put this on.

No, thanks. It's not my style.

You have a style? Yeah.

Put the shirt on.

Those are women's clothes.

What are you talking about? What would make you think this is a woman's shirt?

It's fashion forward, Nick.

Yeah, if, in the future, everyone's wearing pink.

Come on, man. It's a shirt. And after all,

pink is the new... Pink.

Come on, man. If you win this house

and you're wearing this shirt, it's like a win-win.

No, it's more like a win-lose,

because you win the house but you lose self-respect

because you're wearing women's clothes.

Oh, hey, Martin.

Gigi, would you put on this shirt? I'm looking for some free publicity.

Sure.

Thank you.

But I'll need free drinks for a month.

You're serious?

You do want me to wear this T-shirt, right?

Fine. Bottom shelf, just like your outfit.

Hey, guys.

You know, as much as I want a free house,

I don't know how much longer I can keep this up.

My arms feel like they're gonna fall off.

Come on, guys. We can do this.

We can't let Luke win this house, all right?

Come on. Bring it in right here.

Ah, ow. Ooh. Bring it in. Bring it in.

Come on. One, two, three.

I'm winning this house.

How you holding up there, hoss?

Don't worry about me, man. I'm fine.

Believe me, I'm not worried about you.

Okay, people,

we're approaching our hour-30 break.

So, everyone can remove their hands in three, two, one.

That's it. I'm done.

Ma, don't go. We had a pact. What's wrong?

The woman with the funky underarms,

she had a big glass of milk during the last break,

and I was wondering why. Then I found out.

The woman is lactose intolerant.

But, Ma, it's a free house.

Well, good luck getting the smell out.

Ma, don't go.

Let her go, son.

That way, she won't have to see you crying

when I win this house.

Get that thing away from me.

Ugh, Nick, I'm slipping, man.

No, Mike. Just a little while longer, man.

You're in pain, Mike. It hurts.

No, it doesn't.Come on.

It feels like your shoulder's about to pop out the socket.

It's easier that way. Just let go of the wall.

Nick, man, forget about me, man. Don't you quit.

Let go of the wall. You'll be out of pain.

No, you won't.MIKE: I got to hold on.

Let's face it. You're a natural born loser.

Let go of the wall. Don't let go, man.

Sorry, Nick.

No!

And you're out. You're next, buddy.

Sorry, man.

Okay, everyone,

we're approaching our 36th-hour break in three, two, one.

You'd better shake that hand good, son,

'cause you're going down next.

Bring it.

It's already brought. Funny you should mention it.

Uh, what are you doing?

I'm about to play my winning hand.

We're down to the 42nd hour.

Let's hear it for the final contestants.

Dude. Dude.

You're out.

Looks like it's just you and me.

Looks like it is.

Too bad you're gonna disappoint your kids.

Seems like they look up to you.

They do.

And you know what's really a shame?

That that arm is gonna disappoint you.

You had a good run.

Too bad it's getting cut short.

That supposed to be funny?

Only if you think losing is funny.

You're getting weak, Nick.

I can see it in your eyes.

No, you don't see... Your arm is on fire.

No, my... I just had...

Come on, let's face reality. Your arm is on fire.

Your shoulder is coming out the socket. No, I'm cool.

And you're ready to quit. I'm cool as a cucumber.

You know what? Quitting, for you, is normal.

You've quit everything you've ever started in your life.

I've... You don't know me, man.

Do you know how much it costs to heat a house like this, Nick?

Do you know how hard you're gonna have to work to pay the electric bill?

How you gonna call me a quitter?

You're gonna have to work the rest of your life just to pay for the heating bill.

Hey, man, this is my house. I can pay the bills...

Take your hand off the wall.

The pain will go away. You'll be fine.

I'm not gonna be fine. I'll be a loser if I do that.

Lower and lower to the ground,

which is natural for you, Nick.

Go ahead and let go of it.

I got no place else to go.

Nick, go ahead. It's burning. You're on fire, Nick.

You're on fire, son.

Go ahead and let go of it.

Nick, you'll always have second place.

And it's gonna be all over your shirt.

You need to go ahead and let it go, Nick.

Come on down. Go on down.

You fought a good fight. You went the distance. I'm not gonna give up.

Now, go ahead and let it go, Nick.

I'm never gonna let go.

You're almost there. You are halfway to hell.

Let it go, Nick.

It hurts. Nick, let it go.

It's slipping away.

Come on. Let go.

I can't hold on.

You got it, Nick. Let it go.

Oh, God. Roll it down.

Oh!

Oh, man! You're out.

Another hand, another house.

Whoo-ee, doggies.

And you're out.

What are you talking about?

I'm sorry, Luke.

Troy?

Is it over?

You are the winner of this year's Hand on a House!

This is your house, now.

Cool.

Look at you.

You've got to be kidding me.

It ain't no joke, player.

Nice job, Troy.

I can't believe a little white boy's gonna be a homeowner before me.

Welcome to America.

How does all your footage look?

Stupid Kevin forgot to get the release forms.

And after the contest was over,

none of the losers wanted to sign them.

Don't worry, guys.

Once I sell this house, I'll be able to buy you

your own movie theater. We can show it there.

You really have no concept

of how much things cost, do you?

Not really.