Original subtitles

Hey, Dad. NICK: Hey, man.

Hey, Dad.

Why don't you put that down and sit down? Let me get that for you.

Get what?

Your coffee. Cream, two sugars, right?

No, no, no, that's all right.

That's okay.

What do you want?

Why do I have to want something?

Okay, right, look,

the sooner you tell me what you want,

the sooner I can say "no" and enjoy my coffee.

Okay. Can I please have 50 bucks?

I mean, there's this really cute top,

and I mean, it is so cute.

Didn't your mother just buy you a new top?

Yeah, but that was like, last week.

Fashion is always evolving.

It's always moving forward It's always changing.

Too bad your face can't keep up. Shut up.

Well, here's something that's not changing, my answer.

Now, Lindsey, if you wanna spend money on your... Shut up.

Dad... No.

Please.No.

Okay.

What's up with the snack attack?

They changed over to a healthy lunch menu at school.

Instead of French fries, we get celery sticks.

Instead of chicken fingers, we get tofu fingers.

Tofu fingers? Really?

Tofu doesn't even have fingers.

Where are they getting the fingers from?

Embrace the change, Kevin.

Look, you eat healthy, you look good.

Really, Dad, with the...

Tofu fingers didn't do all that.

Try it.

See?

♪ Are we there yet?

♪ Tell me, tell me, tell me

♪ Tell me, are we there yet?

♪ Are we there yet?

That's all right. I got it.

Okay.

Hey, Mom, what's all that stuff?

Well, I was doing a little spring cleaning,

and I came across a bunch of your old junk.

Was gonna throw it out,

but I figured leaving it here is the same thing.

Anyway, it's your problem now.

Whoo!

My Six Million Dollar Man comic book.

Who's The Six Million Dollar Man?

How do you not know

The Six Million Dollar Man?

'Cause I'm not old.

Oh, ho, ho, look.

A Timex Social Club

Rumorscassingle.

And my puzzle cube.

This stuff should be in a museum.

How old are you?

I am not old, all right?

Oh, my high school autograph book.

Wow!

What's that?

It's Dad's obituary.

I can't believe how much you look like him. LINDSEY: I know.

Why not? That's his father.

He's supposed to look like him.

What you trying to say? I don't know what your mama told you about me,

but whatever it is,

she is lying.

Oh, oh, no, no, no, no, this can't be right.

What? You decided to give me the 50 bucks after all?

No,

I'm the same age my dad was when he died.

Um, kids, why don't you guys head on off to school.

We'll see you later, okay?

Okay. Have a great day.

Thanks. Bye, guys.

See you later.

See you later, guys.

Come on, baby,

don't let that bother you.

You know your father went before his time.

Well, isn't the time when something happens, "the time"?

I mean,

look, if people go before their time

how come nobody goes after their time?

How many people you know walking around looking at somebody saying,

"Oh, man, that guy's still alive?

"Boy, he is way past his time."

Keith Richards.

Oh, come on, baby,

your father was a healthy man just like you are.

He died of a heart attack.

He died of a heart attack

because some fool jumped off the Space Needle

and was about to land on him.

It literally scared him to death.

Well, I mean, doesn't that mean something?

I mean, that anything can happen at any time?

No.

It just means stay out from under the damn Space Needle.

Ma, I am serious, all right?

I've been walking around

like I got all the time in the world.

And do I?

Oh, baby, I don't know.

Look, all you can do is live life to the fullest,

so you don't have any regrets.

You know what? You right.

That's what I'm gonna do, Ma.

Whoo!

Speaking of regrets...

I liked my Jheri curl.

I didn't.

Those chemicals cost me $1,000

in pillow cases, cushions, and hats.

Not to mention, it burnt your hair off.

Hey, man.

Hi.

You okay?

No, I haven't had my sugar fix.

All they have in the snack machine is pita chips and trail mix.

Do I look like a Greek cowboy?

This is all Michelle Obama's fault, man. I mean,

I thought I wanted a black president,

but they just got too much to prove.

I know, right? Fix the economy.

Leave candy alone.

Just because she has it out for fat kids,

we all have to suffer?

Exactly.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Here, man.

Is that... Yeah.

100% pure, uncut American milk chocolate.

Too bad you don't have more of these.

You could make a fortune.

You know what? You might be right.

Hey, remember we were talking about supply and demand in Social Studies?

Yeah,

the most basic concept of economics.

Right. So,

there's a demand for candy.

So...

So, I have a supply.

So...

So, I wanna sell the supply to satisfy the demand.

I mean, we could make tons of money.

So...

So, eat that and I'll explain it to you again.

Hey, fellas.

Oh!

Look out, Speed! Oh!

I love this outfit, but something's wrong with it.

What's missing? Oh, right.

You're not white, and your last name isn't Earnhardt.

What's this?

You look like you just got off a cover shoot

for Gran Turismo Detroit, man.

Troncalled.

Oh, what, they want their outfit back?

No, they just wanna know where you got it.

Okay, guys, just joke all you want. Joke all you want,

but while you busters are drowning your sorrows

in a bottle of brew,

I am living life to the fullest.

By fighting crime?

Seriously, dude, what's with the outfit?

'Cause I wasn't even aware The Avengers were hiring.

I'm going to drive a race car, all right?

Look, it's on my bucket list.

I just came down here to see

if y'all wanted to come to the track with me, so you could see

what living on the edge is all about.

I know living on the edge.

I'm dating... women.

You had to tell us that?

Trust me, if they made an outfit that could protect you

from what happens when you break up with a woman with daddy issues,

a ticking biological clock and a better looking sister,

I'd wear it like a Livestrong bracelet.

So, bucket list?

I thought that was something you did before you died

or if you were in a movie with Morgan Freeman.

Are you about to die?

No.

Are you in a movie with Morgan Freeman?

No, but if you must know,

I just found out that my father

was my age when he died, all right?

It just makes me feel like I need to get the most out of life.

By trying to kill yourself?

Hey, if I got to go,

at least I have no regrets.

You don't regret walking around

looking like a Power Ranger?

You guys coming?

Oh, yeah.Yes.

I don't even wanna see the race.

I just wanna see what happens

when Mr. Incredible finds out his costume is missing.

Come on, then. Let's go.

Hi.

'Sup, snowflake?

You want something?

Depends.

I heard you got snacks.

What do you need?

Candy bar.

$1.50.

Aren't you gonna count it?

Do I need to count it?

Go on, girl. It's over there.

Man, you're a natural with this.

That's racist, man.

If we were older and more violent,

they could film this and put it on HBO.

Yeah.

So, how much we got so far?

About a hundred.

Two days?

That's crazy, man.

Yeah. Supply and demand, baby.

Supply and demand.

Here we go.

Honey.

Dad, what happened?

Okay, I'm okay.

Uh...

Your dad took the curve

a little too fast at the racetrack.

He, um, kind of flipped...

And then flipped again.

And then flipped again.

Awesome! Did your car catch fire?

That is not awesome. That is crazy.

I'm fine, all right? The roll cage held.

I just dislocated my shoulder.

The doctor said I'll be back to normal in a couple of days.

Uh-huh.

Well, you all can go now.

Thank you so much for bringing him home.

And if he should come to you

and try to do anything else stupid,

you call me, understand?

Yes, ma'am.

Goodbye.

Uh, kids, I need to speak to your father alone for a second.

Oh, I know that tone.

Mom talks to me like that.

Are you gonna smack the taste out of Dad's mouth?

Depends on whether or not it's on his bucket list.

Go. And if you hear screaming,

ignore it.

Okay, I'm going.

Hey, Dad, if she smacks you into next week,

can you let me know if I have any pop quizzes coming up in school?

Go.

All right, Nick.

This ends now.

You have a wife and two kids.

Ma, I know you mean well,

but when I was coming around that curve,

and then I hit that dirt,

and the car started to roll,

boy, for the first time in my life, I felt alive!

And then it rolled over again,

and I thought I was gonna die.

And then it rolled over one more time,

and I felt alive again.

And then my shoulder popped out

and started to hurt.

And then, when the car was upside down,

and I was sliding to a stop,

I knew that I was doing the right thing.

No, you didn't, fool.

You were upside down in a car on a racetrack.

Whatever you were doing, it wasn't right.

This is over.

No, Ma.

No, it's just beginning.

And next on my list

is BASE jumping.

Base who?

BASE jumping.

All right, it's like when you jump off a building

like the Seattle City Center,

and you just free fall until your chute opens.

You mean like the guy that landed on your daddy?

You know, man, I've been thinking.

We're doing really good with this little bit of stuff.

We need to expand and really get paid.

There are way more schools in the district,

way more kids wanting a decent snack.

Hold on there, Avon Barksdale.

Don't get ahead of yourself.

Look, I don't know what you're talking about, man.

I mean, look at all this money.

We are the mans.

"The mans"?

You know what I mean.

I'm just saying don't go too big too soon.

Don't get greedy.

Stay mom-and-pop.

Don't go Starbucks.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Okay.

I walked in the middle of something.

Now, you can either explain it to me,

or you can explain it to Mom.

What's it gonna be, boys?

Fine, if you must know,

you're looking at the newest entrepreneurs

of Kurt Flanham Middle School.

Seriously? Entrepreneurs?

You can't even say "entrepreneurs."

I just did just a second ago.

Whatever.

So, how'd you guys get all this money?

Candy sales.

Seriously?

You got all this money from selling candy?

Candy.

Candy? Candy.

I want in.

Candy.

Oh, uh, sorry.

My brain got stuck.

I don't think that's a very good idea.

And I don't think it would be a good idea if your mom found out

that you weren't in your class field trip to Mt. Reiner.

How'd you know I was on that trip?

Do you know how eyes work?

She's good.

Okay, fine.

I'll give you some product. You move it.

We'll split 60-40.

Fifty-fifty.

How about 60-40?

Fine. But I will be renegotiating.

You got two days.

That's it, man. I want out.

What? Come on, man,

this is a great plan. What could go wrong?

That's the worst thing you could say.

Every time someone says, "What could go wrong?"

something always goes wrong.

Don't worry about it.

Second-worst thing you could say.

It'll be fine.

Okay, you just made it official.

Sorry, bud.

I'm out.

Where are you going?

I'm gonna go catch up with that trip,

cover my tracks.

A teacher?

What's wrong with you, man?

He could've been undercover.

Look, man, you wanted out, be out.

I got this.

Are you the candy man?

Do I know you?

I'm Kyle.

Oh!

Check this out, Kyle,

I don't like strangers, okay?

People coming up to me, asking me questions about who I am

and what it is I do.

Now,

you have five seconds to explain to me

why I shouldn't smack the taste out of your mouth, Kyle.

I sit behind you in English class, man.

Come on, it's me.

You sit behind me?

You.

In English? English.

Third period? Third period.

Oh, yeah, it is you.

All I need is some jelly fellas, man. That's all.

Get out of here.

Oh, and, Kyle. Yeah?

Make sure you brush your teeth tonight, man.

I don't wanna lose a good customer.

There he is.

Yeah, here I am. You looking for me?

Kevin!

Logan here has made some very serious allegations.

We need to go to my office and discuss this.

Discuss what?

Discuss the fact that student government's been trying to fund-raise

with one of our healthy snack machines.

We haven't made a dime 'cause you're selling candy.

Me? I don't know what you're talking about.

Kevin, I'm gonna need you to open your locker.

And I'm gonna need you to explain to me

why you're taking his word over mine.

Since when did he become the new news source, huh?

Maybe Anderson Cooper over here

isn't selling snacks because they suck.

Ever think about that?

Yeah, that's a fair question.

He's got a pocket full of money.

Right, explain that.

A brother can't have money?

He's got a locker full of candy.

What? Okay, how would you know that?

Are you Superman? Can you see through steel?

Kevin,

I'm gonna need you to open your locker.

And I'm gonna need you to show me your warrant.

I don't have a warrant, but you know,

I do have your mother's phone number. Huh.

Go ahead. Open it.

Ha!

Satisfied?

Excuse me, candy man?

I don't know you, girl. Go on.

Come on, man, I just need something,

just a little something to get me through Social Studies.

I don't have whatever it is you want

because I'm not whoever it is you say I am.

Come on, candy man, I just need a piece of chocolate,

a piece of hard candy, a sucker, anything, man. I'm hurting.

Get away from me, girl!

So, should we go to your office now?

You think? Yeah.

Man, I cannot believe you showed up to my school

dressed like a moth.

Well, I can't believe you got detention for two weeks.

Well, with you dressed like that, I was trying to get four.

I just didn't want you to come pick me up.

You know what?

Normally, I would be proud of your business spirit,

but, man, you broke school policy, man.

What you did was wrong.

Dad, I'm sorry, all right?

I was just making so much money.

Well, you can't be selfish, Kev.

I mean, you have to think about the good of others, man,

and eating healthy is a good thing.

Look, bottom line, your business is secondary

to what's best for the school as a whole.

What is so funny?

Do you really need to ask?

Hey, guys.

Hey.

What do you want, Lindsey?

Oh, my gosh, I have got to tweet this.

Tweet away. I ain't scared of you.

Oh, perfect. Mm-hmm.

Live your life.

Hey, Dad, can I go to the mall with Kelly?

Sure.Great.

Oh, and can you switch out all this change for $84?

Sure.

What, really?

I get detention, but she gets to go to the mall?

What, you were selling candy too?

Way to go, snitch.

I'm sorry. I just can't lie to the suit.

All right, look, look,

no mall, and that money is mine.

Look at that, it matches my outfit.

You go upstairs and start on your homework, man.

I'ma get one of these made for you.

What happened to you?

You get bitten by a radioactive roach?

I was supposed to go BASE jumping today,

but I got a call from Kevin's school.

I had to go talk to his teacher.

And you went like that?

You know, I realize that

there's a lot of things I wanna do,

and none of them

are gonna be on some silly bucket list.

That is great,

'cause I have something for you.

Here.

What's this?

It's your father's death certificate.

Wait, you know, why do they even issue death certificates?

I mean, you know, why do you need proof that people die?

It's pretty clear.

Just open it and read it.

Whoo! You know what?

Wait.

It says he was 41 when he died.

You know what this means?

I'm a full two years older than he was when he died

That's right. I mean,

a full two years older.

Sounds like a celebration to me!

♪ Go, Nick, go, Nick

♪ You ain't dead like your daddy... ♪

Wait. Wait. Wait. Baby.

Baby, baby, baby.

You realize we're celebrating your father's death.

Oh, right, right.

♪ Go, Nick, go Nick

♪ You ain't dead