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1
00:00:06,528 --> 00:00:08,225
Hey.
2
00:00:08,269 --> 00:00:11,228
Let me guess. Another
get-rich-quick scheme.
3
00:00:11,272 --> 00:00:14,275
Look, man, I know you think all
my get-rich-quick schemes are...
4
00:00:14,318 --> 00:00:16,233
Get-rich-quick schemes?
5
00:00:16,277 --> 00:00:19,454
Yes. And usually, they are.
But this one is legit.
6
00:00:19,497 --> 00:00:21,325
Lindsey and Kevin
and I have decided
7
00:00:21,369 --> 00:00:24,111
to enter the "Count to a
million, win a million" contest.
8
00:00:24,154 --> 00:00:25,851
"Count to a million,
win a million"?
9
00:00:25,895 --> 00:00:29,072
Yeah. All you have to do is
you pay the $150 entrance fee
10
00:00:29,116 --> 00:00:30,813
and then tomorrow at 8 a.m.,
11
00:00:30,856 --> 00:00:32,728
we log on
and we just start counting.
12
00:00:32,771 --> 00:00:34,556
The first person or persons
13
00:00:34,599 --> 00:00:36,862
to count to a million
wins a million bucks.
14
00:00:37,428 --> 00:00:38,734
That's crazy.
15
00:00:38,777 --> 00:00:40,823
Do you even realize how
long it's gonna take you
16
00:00:40,866 --> 00:00:42,390
to count to a million?
17
00:00:42,433 --> 00:00:44,218
Yeah, if we count
one number a second
18
00:00:44,261 --> 00:00:46,089
and count 24 hours a day,
19
00:00:46,133 --> 00:00:49,962
in 11 days, 13 hours,
47 minutes and 40 seconds
20
00:00:50,006 --> 00:00:51,486
we will be millionaires.
21
00:00:51,529 --> 00:00:53,096
Wait, wait.
22
00:00:53,140 --> 00:00:55,838
So you're gonna spend the
next eleven and a half days
23
00:00:55,881 --> 00:00:58,058
doing nothing but
counting to a million?
24
00:00:58,101 --> 00:00:59,189
Uh-huh.
25
00:00:59,233 --> 00:01:02,062
White people.
26
00:01:02,105 --> 00:01:03,585
What's that supposed to mean?
27
00:01:03,628 --> 00:01:05,413
It's just that white people
do the stupidest things
28
00:01:05,456 --> 00:01:06,762
to pass the time.
29
00:01:06,805 --> 00:01:08,068
Like what?
30
00:01:08,111 --> 00:01:10,853
Like skydiving, bungee jumping,
31
00:01:10,896 --> 00:01:13,725
joining a polar bear club,
riding Vespas...
32
00:01:13,769 --> 00:01:15,684
Look, man, by your own logic,
33
00:01:15,727 --> 00:01:17,468
your two children
are both white people.
34
00:01:17,512 --> 00:01:19,383
So, there.
So, laugh all you want.
35
00:01:19,427 --> 00:01:23,039
In a little under 12 days,
we are gonna be rich.
36
00:01:23,083 --> 00:01:25,128
Well, if you are
gonna spend the next 12 days
37
00:01:25,172 --> 00:01:27,130
in my house, eating my food,
38
00:01:27,174 --> 00:01:29,132
drinking my drink,
using my bathroom
39
00:01:29,176 --> 00:01:30,525
and my little white kids,
40
00:01:31,526 --> 00:01:33,005
the house gets a cut.
41
00:01:33,049 --> 00:01:35,182
Lindsey and Kevin are
already getting two-thirds.
42
00:01:35,225 --> 00:01:36,792
Lindsey and Kevin
aren't the house.
43
00:01:38,185 --> 00:01:39,838
Half a percent. Three percent.
44
00:01:39,882 --> 00:01:41,753
One percentTwo.
45
00:01:41,797 --> 00:01:43,625
Fine, but for two percent,
46
00:01:43,668 --> 00:01:45,366
I get to use
the master bathroom.
47
00:01:46,454 --> 00:01:47,890
And I mean, use it.
48
00:01:49,935 --> 00:01:51,111
♪ Are we there yet?
49
00:01:52,068 --> 00:01:55,245
♪ Tell me, tell me, tell me
50
00:01:55,289 --> 00:01:57,160
♪ Tell me, are we there yet?
51
00:01:57,204 --> 00:01:58,857
♪ Are we there yet?
52
00:02:01,077 --> 00:02:02,122
Well...
53
00:02:02,165 --> 00:02:03,949
Hey, baby. How was work?
54
00:02:03,993 --> 00:02:07,562
Great. Actually, I have to
talk to you about work.
55
00:02:07,605 --> 00:02:09,129
Oh, yeah? What's up?
56
00:02:09,172 --> 00:02:10,782
We are doing an awards dinner
57
00:02:10,826 --> 00:02:12,219
for the Pacific Sports League,
58
00:02:12,262 --> 00:02:14,308
and we were discussing MCs.
59
00:02:14,351 --> 00:02:16,092
And guess whose name came up?
60
00:02:16,136 --> 00:02:17,441
Yours.
61
00:02:17,485 --> 00:02:20,009
Really? That's great.
62
00:02:20,052 --> 00:02:21,576
Did you tell 'em, yes?
63
00:02:21,619 --> 00:02:23,534
Well, I wasn't sure
64
00:02:23,578 --> 00:02:26,015
if it's something that
you would want to do.
65
00:02:26,363 --> 00:02:27,495
Sure.
66
00:02:27,538 --> 00:02:29,192
Are you sure?
67
00:02:29,236 --> 00:02:31,151
I'm sure I'm sure. Why?
68
00:02:31,194 --> 00:02:33,849
No reason. I just wanted
to be sure that you're sure.
69
00:02:33,892 --> 00:02:35,981
You seem a little unsure.
70
00:02:36,025 --> 00:02:37,331
You don't think
I can handle this?
71
00:02:37,374 --> 00:02:38,419
No!
72
00:02:38,462 --> 00:02:40,986
Are you sure? Well, I mean...
73
00:02:41,030 --> 00:02:44,338
Nick, okay, you know,
being a master of ceremonies,
74
00:02:44,381 --> 00:02:46,992
that's not really what you do.
75
00:02:47,036 --> 00:02:48,342
I mean, you're not funny.
76
00:02:48,864 --> 00:02:50,344
I'm funny.
77
00:02:50,387 --> 00:02:51,519
You know what I mean, honey.
78
00:02:51,562 --> 00:02:53,608
Like stand-up funny.
79
00:02:53,651 --> 00:02:55,305
Babe, I won't let you down.
80
00:02:56,263 --> 00:02:57,307
You promise?
81
00:02:57,351 --> 00:02:58,352
Yes.
82
00:02:58,961 --> 00:03:00,092
Okay, then.
83
00:03:00,136 --> 00:03:01,790
You're hired. But, listen.
84
00:03:01,833 --> 00:03:03,400
If you get on that stage
85
00:03:03,444 --> 00:03:05,272
and start acting like Colin
Firth in The King's Speech,
86
00:03:05,315 --> 00:03:06,664
you and me, we're
gonna have a problem.
87
00:03:06,708 --> 00:03:09,232
I'll be... fine.
88
00:03:10,581 --> 00:03:11,626
See?
89
00:03:11,669 --> 00:03:13,410
I'm funny.
90
00:03:15,847 --> 00:03:18,720
Okay, we're each gonna
take four two-hour shifts.
91
00:03:18,763 --> 00:03:21,766
That means eight hours of
counting, 16 hours of resting.
92
00:03:21,810 --> 00:03:24,116
When your shift is up,
the next person takes over.
93
00:03:24,160 --> 00:03:27,032
I'm gonna go first, followed
my Kevin, and then Lindsey.
94
00:03:27,076 --> 00:03:29,992
Listen. There's no money
for second place, okay?
95
00:03:30,035 --> 00:03:32,473
So, we must keep counting.
96
00:03:32,516 --> 00:03:34,866
I had these cards
printed up for you.
97
00:03:34,910 --> 00:03:37,217
"Yes." "No."
98
00:03:37,260 --> 00:03:39,175
And "Maybe."
99
00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:40,872
That way you can
answer people's questions
100
00:03:40,916 --> 00:03:42,483
without having to stop counting.
101
00:03:42,526 --> 00:03:44,572
'Cause we must keep counting.
102
00:03:44,615 --> 00:03:46,226
Can we stop and eat
if we're hungry?
103
00:03:46,269 --> 00:03:47,314
No, no, no, no.
104
00:03:47,357 --> 00:03:48,706
You eat after your shift.
105
00:03:48,750 --> 00:03:50,447
Why? Stay with me.
106
00:03:50,491 --> 00:03:52,971
We must keep counting.
107
00:03:53,015 --> 00:03:54,538
What if we have
to go to the bathroom?
108
00:03:54,582 --> 00:03:55,887
Cross your legs and count.
109
00:03:55,931 --> 00:03:57,280
What if the house is on fire?
110
00:03:57,324 --> 00:03:58,455
Stop, drop and count.
111
00:03:58,499 --> 00:03:59,891
What if somebody
has a heart attack?
112
00:03:59,935 --> 00:04:02,242
Integrate the counting
into your CPR.
113
00:04:02,285 --> 00:04:03,721
Listen, man.
114
00:04:03,765 --> 00:04:05,854
In eleven and a half days,
we'll all be millionaires.
115
00:04:05,897 --> 00:04:07,508
Let's keep it together.
116
00:04:07,551 --> 00:04:11,076
Guys, it is
almost time to start.
117
00:04:11,120 --> 00:04:12,948
Ten, nine...
118
00:04:12,991 --> 00:04:14,819
No, no, no.
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
119
00:04:14,863 --> 00:04:16,386
What? It's the
backwards counting.
120
00:04:16,430 --> 00:04:17,735
It's screwing my mind up.
121
00:04:18,170 --> 00:04:19,259
Sorry.
122
00:04:22,436 --> 00:04:24,307
One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine, ten...
123
00:04:31,619 --> 00:04:33,185
Hey, babe. Hey.
124
00:04:33,229 --> 00:04:34,926
Why is Martin sitting
in my family room
125
00:04:34,970 --> 00:04:37,146
staring at a computer
and counting?
126
00:04:37,189 --> 00:04:38,887
He's trying to win
a million dollars.
127
00:04:38,930 --> 00:04:39,975
White people.
128
00:04:40,018 --> 00:04:41,106
Yeah.
129
00:04:41,150 --> 00:04:42,325
Does the house get a cut?
130
00:04:42,369 --> 00:04:43,631
Yes.
131
00:04:43,674 --> 00:04:45,589
Then I don't wanna
know anything else.
132
00:04:45,633 --> 00:04:48,200
This is for you. It's the
script for the awards' show.
133
00:04:48,244 --> 00:04:50,855
You might wanna,
you know, look it over
134
00:04:50,899 --> 00:04:53,684
and rehears it a lot.
135
00:04:53,728 --> 00:04:56,296
Suzanne, if you don't want
me to do it, then I won't do it.
136
00:04:56,339 --> 00:04:58,167
No, honey, I'm sorry.
137
00:04:58,210 --> 00:05:00,952
It's just that this is a really
important night for me, too.
138
00:05:00,996 --> 00:05:03,085
And I'm probably
just overreacting.
139
00:05:03,128 --> 00:05:04,608
But I know you're
gonna be great.
140
00:05:06,001 --> 00:05:07,568
But if you get out there
141
00:05:07,611 --> 00:05:09,744
and starting acting like
Hugh Jackman at the Oscars
142
00:05:09,787 --> 00:05:11,833
or David Letterman at the Oscars
143
00:05:11,876 --> 00:05:13,356
or James Franco...
144
00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:14,575
All right, I got it.
145
00:05:17,752 --> 00:05:19,231
22,404.
146
00:05:19,275 --> 00:05:21,146
22,405.
147
00:05:21,190 --> 00:05:22,539
Hey.22,406.
148
00:05:22,583 --> 00:05:24,324
22,407.
149
00:05:24,367 --> 00:05:25,760
You have a second? 22,408.
150
00:05:25,803 --> 00:05:27,327
22,409.
151
00:05:28,763 --> 00:05:29,938
You can't take a
break for a minute?
152
00:05:30,721 --> 00:05:32,201
22,412.
153
00:05:32,244 --> 00:05:33,724
Come on, man.
154
00:05:33,768 --> 00:05:35,160
This is really important to me.
155
00:05:38,033 --> 00:05:40,078
Nod if you think this is funny.
156
00:05:40,122 --> 00:05:41,863
It's been a rough year
for the Mariners.
157
00:05:41,906 --> 00:05:43,386
They became the
first team in baseball
158
00:05:43,430 --> 00:05:45,257
to be mathematically eliminated.
159
00:05:45,301 --> 00:05:46,520
From next year's playoffs.
160
00:05:49,436 --> 00:05:50,654
Really?
161
00:05:50,698 --> 00:05:52,003
You thought that was funny?
162
00:05:53,875 --> 00:05:55,398
You have
a pre-printed card saying
163
00:05:55,442 --> 00:05:56,921
"I was being sarcastic"?
164
00:05:59,576 --> 00:06:00,751
Where did you get those cards?
165
00:06:03,188 --> 00:06:04,842
Well, what should I do? I mean,
166
00:06:04,886 --> 00:06:07,149
I can't say these
jokes on stage, right?
167
00:06:07,192 --> 00:06:08,803
22,433.
168
00:06:08,846 --> 00:06:10,239
22,444.What?
169
00:06:11,893 --> 00:06:13,590
22,436.
170
00:06:13,634 --> 00:06:15,070
22,437.
171
00:06:15,113 --> 00:06:16,506
Take over? You want me to count?
172
00:06:16,550 --> 00:06:18,073
22,439.
173
00:06:18,116 --> 00:06:19,640
22,440.
174
00:06:21,729 --> 00:06:23,731
Okay, the material is weak.
175
00:06:23,774 --> 00:06:25,602
Clearly, that is.
176
00:06:25,646 --> 00:06:27,474
All you do is you make
fun of the material.
177
00:06:27,517 --> 00:06:28,866
That's what all
the big comedians do.
178
00:06:29,650 --> 00:06:31,478
22,446.
179
00:06:31,521 --> 00:06:33,218
22,447.
180
00:06:34,045 --> 00:06:36,004
Make fun of the material?
181
00:06:36,047 --> 00:06:37,092
I guess that could work.
182
00:06:37,135 --> 00:06:38,267
22,450.
183
00:06:38,310 --> 00:06:39,921
22,451.
184
00:06:39,964 --> 00:06:41,618
It's what all
the big comedians do.
185
00:06:41,662 --> 00:06:43,620
Conan, Lopez, all of them.
186
00:06:43,664 --> 00:06:45,361
22,454.
187
00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:47,015
22,455.
188
00:06:47,058 --> 00:06:49,017
But their jokes weren't
this bad to begin with.
189
00:07:01,203 --> 00:07:02,422
Dan Patrick.
190
00:07:03,161 --> 00:07:04,293
Wow!
191
00:07:04,336 --> 00:07:06,948
I am a huge, huge fan.
192
00:07:06,991 --> 00:07:09,341
Nick Kingston-Persons.
I'm MC-ing the show tonight.
193
00:07:09,385 --> 00:07:10,517
Nick, nice to meet you.
194
00:07:10,560 --> 00:07:12,301
Oh, you said my name.
195
00:07:12,344 --> 00:07:14,085
You shook my hand
and said my name.
196
00:07:14,129 --> 00:07:15,260
You're hurting my arm.
197
00:07:15,304 --> 00:07:17,524
Oh, I'm sorry, my man.
198
00:07:17,567 --> 00:07:19,830
Wow. I mean, it's just...
199
00:07:19,874 --> 00:07:22,267
I used to watch you on
ESPN when I was a kid.
200
00:07:22,311 --> 00:07:24,574
Oh, when you were a kid? Oh,
that's great. It makes me feel good.
201
00:07:26,533 --> 00:07:29,187
Hey, sweetheart. You look great!
202
00:07:29,231 --> 00:07:30,885
We're getting ready
to start. Are you ready?
203
00:07:30,928 --> 00:07:32,190
Yeah. Oh, wait.
204
00:07:32,234 --> 00:07:34,192
Dan, this is my wife, Suzanne.
205
00:07:34,236 --> 00:07:35,716
Suzanne, Dan Patrick.
206
00:07:35,759 --> 00:07:36,804
Suzanne,
nice to meet you. Pleasure to meet you.
207
00:07:36,847 --> 00:07:38,893
Nice to meet you. Oh, my God!
208
00:07:38,936 --> 00:07:41,417
The Dan Patrick, give me a hug!
209
00:07:41,461 --> 00:07:42,940
Oh, my God!
210
00:07:42,984 --> 00:07:45,552
I'm so glad to meet you!
211
00:07:45,595 --> 00:07:48,337
Okay, so I'm not
a big race car fan,
212
00:07:48,380 --> 00:07:50,644
but, you know, I've just
heard so much about you.
213
00:07:50,687 --> 00:07:52,036
No, no, it's Danica Patrick.
214
00:07:52,080 --> 00:07:54,517
I'm Dan Patrick.
I don't drive race cars.
215
00:07:54,561 --> 00:07:57,041
Oh, your daughter. You
must be so proud of her.
216
00:07:58,347 --> 00:08:00,262
Oh. Okay, they're
getting ready to start.
217
00:08:00,305 --> 00:08:01,568
Dan, you should have a seat.
218
00:08:01,611 --> 00:08:02,917
You ready? Yes.
219
00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:04,440
Good luck. Okay. All right.
220
00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:05,659
Love you. Love you, too.
221
00:08:05,702 --> 00:08:08,183
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome.
222
00:08:08,226 --> 00:08:10,664
And now, your host for the evening,
223
00:08:10,707 --> 00:08:13,797
Seattle's own,
Nick Kingston-Persons!
224
00:08:15,277 --> 00:08:17,497
Thank you very much. Thank you.
225
00:08:17,540 --> 00:08:20,674
Um, I am honored
to be hosting this show.
226
00:08:20,717 --> 00:08:23,503
Tonight, we'll be
celebrating the very best
227
00:08:23,546 --> 00:08:24,678
in Seattle sports.
228
00:08:25,505 --> 00:08:26,810
As well as the mariners.
229
00:08:30,597 --> 00:08:31,685
Wow.
230
00:08:31,728 --> 00:08:33,513
Wow. A lot of big names
in here tonight.
231
00:08:34,122 --> 00:08:35,558
Ichiro Suzuki.
232
00:08:35,602 --> 00:08:37,038
Uh, Matt Hassellbeck.
233
00:08:37,342 --> 00:08:38,648
Blitz.
234
00:08:38,692 --> 00:08:40,694
You know, Blitz, the giant bird
235
00:08:40,737 --> 00:08:42,478
who's the Seahawks' mascot?
236
00:08:42,522 --> 00:08:45,394
He's over there with the big
head and the funny-looking hair.
237
00:08:45,437 --> 00:08:48,092
Wait! That's Seahawks'
head coach, Pete Carroll!
238
00:08:51,487 --> 00:08:53,663
Is this thing on?
239
00:08:53,707 --> 00:08:55,056
Yeah, it's on.
Say something that's funny.
240
00:08:57,101 --> 00:08:59,451
Um, I want to start off...
241
00:08:59,495 --> 00:09:01,541
You gotta
keep going. You want to say something funny.
242
00:09:02,890 --> 00:09:04,413
We're going to move on to the...
243
00:09:04,456 --> 00:09:05,893
Hey, I got an idea.
244
00:09:05,936 --> 00:09:07,416
Why don't we
fast-forward to the part
245
00:09:07,459 --> 00:09:08,548
where you say something funny?
246
00:09:12,639 --> 00:09:14,597
138,254.
247
00:09:14,641 --> 00:09:16,817
138,255.
248
00:09:16,860 --> 00:09:18,601
138,256.
249
00:09:18,645 --> 00:09:20,647
138,257.
250
00:09:20,690 --> 00:09:22,387
Kevin, keep counting.
251
00:09:22,431 --> 00:09:24,041
Bet they've updated the results.
252
00:09:24,085 --> 00:09:25,913
Let's see where we stand.
253
00:09:30,265 --> 00:09:31,309
That can't be right.
254
00:09:32,397 --> 00:09:33,703
Second to last?
255
00:09:35,009 --> 00:09:36,576
What have the two
of you been doing
256
00:09:36,619 --> 00:09:37,751
when I've been asleep?
257
00:09:37,794 --> 00:09:39,666
Counting.
258
00:09:39,709 --> 00:09:42,364
Have you been
taking bathroom breaks?
259
00:09:42,407 --> 00:09:45,062
Yeah. We can't just sit
here and pee in the couch.
260
00:09:45,106 --> 00:09:46,629
Uh, yes, you can.
261
00:09:46,673 --> 00:09:48,979
It's a million dollars.
Buy a new couch!
262
00:09:49,023 --> 00:09:50,633
You need to maintain your focus.
263
00:09:50,677 --> 00:09:52,983
And you need to
maintain your bladder.
264
00:09:53,027 --> 00:09:55,159
And you need to
maintain a breath mint.
265
00:09:57,161 --> 00:09:58,685
Didn't want to do this.
266
00:09:58,728 --> 00:10:00,556
The two of you
have forced my hand.
267
00:10:03,385 --> 00:10:04,386
Number.
268
00:10:05,517 --> 00:10:07,041
No, no, it's gotta be faster.
269
00:10:07,084 --> 00:10:08,303
Gotta be faster.
270
00:10:09,696 --> 00:10:10,871
And?
271
00:10:11,262 --> 00:10:12,307
And?
272
00:10:12,350 --> 00:10:15,310
Lindsey.238,290.
273
00:10:15,353 --> 00:10:16,920
238,291. Andale!
274
00:10:18,226 --> 00:10:19,749
Andale! 238,300.
275
00:10:19,793 --> 00:10:20,881
Faster!
276
00:10:20,924 --> 00:10:22,534
238,304.Faster!
277
00:10:28,192 --> 00:10:30,107
There are just so many
people to still thank.
278
00:10:30,151 --> 00:10:32,762
My third-grade coach,
my fourth-grade coach.
279
00:10:32,806 --> 00:10:35,547
My fifth-grade coach,
my junior-high coach.
280
00:10:35,591 --> 00:10:38,638
My high-school coach,
my summer-league coach...
281
00:10:41,162 --> 00:10:44,034
Uh, we don't have an
orchestra, so this is your cue.
282
00:10:46,384 --> 00:10:48,604
No, no, the other
way. Other way.
283
00:10:48,648 --> 00:10:49,736
Thanks.
284
00:10:51,738 --> 00:10:53,565
Well, we are running
285
00:10:53,609 --> 00:10:55,480
way behind schedule tonight.
286
00:10:55,524 --> 00:10:59,049
Um, so it's probably safe
to say, we're gonna go long.
287
00:10:59,093 --> 00:11:00,747
Something the Seahawks receivers
288
00:11:00,790 --> 00:11:02,966
obviously don't know how to do.
289
00:11:05,142 --> 00:11:06,230
Oh.
290
00:11:07,362 --> 00:11:09,886
Look, I know
these jokes are lame.
291
00:11:09,930 --> 00:11:11,235
And believe me,
I want to say 'em,
292
00:11:11,279 --> 00:11:12,802
even less than
you want to hear 'em.
293
00:11:12,846 --> 00:11:14,369
I don't blame you
for not laughing.
294
00:11:15,152 --> 00:11:17,589
I blame my wife, Suzanne.
295
00:11:17,633 --> 00:11:20,201
Yeah. She's the event
coordinator for tonight.
296
00:11:20,244 --> 00:11:21,681
She's the one who hired me.
297
00:11:21,724 --> 00:11:24,509
She said, "This script
has been approved."
298
00:11:24,553 --> 00:11:26,947
"Do this or sleep on the couch."
299
00:11:26,990 --> 00:11:30,602
Well, right now, that couch
is looking pretty damn good.
300
00:11:31,908 --> 00:11:33,388
Oh, boy, it has been
301
00:11:33,431 --> 00:11:35,651
a really long week at home.
302
00:11:35,695 --> 00:11:37,305
You think Afghanistan is rough,
303
00:11:37,348 --> 00:11:39,089
you should try
touring Suzannistan.
304
00:11:41,004 --> 00:11:42,440
Well, you know...
305
00:11:42,484 --> 00:11:44,878
Actually, you know, they're
both kind of similar.
306
00:11:44,921 --> 00:11:46,836
One is in this quagmire
307
00:11:46,880 --> 00:11:49,404
run by a brutal regime
that oppresses people.
308
00:11:49,447 --> 00:11:50,753
The other is Afghanistan.
309
00:11:52,973 --> 00:11:54,278
Where is she?
310
00:11:54,322 --> 00:11:55,671
Oh, there she is!
311
00:11:55,715 --> 00:11:57,804
Honey, wave at everybody
with your iron fist.
312
00:12:00,807 --> 00:12:02,852
Now, this is funny.
This is funny.
313
00:12:02,896 --> 00:12:04,114
Hilarious.
314
00:12:04,898 --> 00:12:06,595
When they caught Bin Laden,
315
00:12:06,638 --> 00:12:08,771
he said, "Why are you after
me? Suzanne is still out there!"
316
00:12:10,164 --> 00:12:11,382
And then they shot him.
317
00:12:16,300 --> 00:12:18,128
Oh, thank you
very much. Thank you.
318
00:12:18,172 --> 00:12:19,303
Thanks.
319
00:12:19,347 --> 00:12:20,957
Hey, congratulations. All right.
320
00:12:24,004 --> 00:12:25,440
Hey, sweetie.
321
00:12:25,483 --> 00:12:26,571
Oh, oh!
322
00:12:26,615 --> 00:12:28,095
So, now I'm sweetie.
323
00:12:28,138 --> 00:12:29,705
What happened to the Tali-mom?
324
00:12:30,488 --> 00:12:31,925
Oh, come on.
325
00:12:31,968 --> 00:12:33,317
Those were just jokes.
326
00:12:33,361 --> 00:12:34,928
Nick, you really messed this up.
327
00:12:34,971 --> 00:12:36,277
What are you talking about?
328
00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:37,408
Everybody loved it!
329
00:12:37,452 --> 00:12:38,801
You went completely off-script.
330
00:12:38,845 --> 00:12:40,194
You changed everything!
331
00:12:40,237 --> 00:12:41,761
That's why everybody loved it.
332
00:12:41,804 --> 00:12:42,849
You saw me bombing up there.
333
00:12:42,892 --> 00:12:43,937
I had to do something.
334
00:12:44,502 --> 00:12:45,765
Hey.
335
00:12:45,808 --> 00:12:47,941
Awesome. Nick, you are awesome.
336
00:12:47,984 --> 00:12:49,899
I loved the Suzannistan line.
337
00:12:49,943 --> 00:12:51,466
You had to love that.
338
00:12:51,509 --> 00:12:52,772
You were en fuego.
339
00:12:52,815 --> 00:12:54,904
You were flat on en fuego
up there, man.Wow.
340
00:12:54,948 --> 00:12:57,559
I just got
the Dan Patrick " en fuego."
341
00:12:58,865 --> 00:13:01,171
I'm in town for
a couple more days.
342
00:13:01,215 --> 00:13:02,651
Drinks tomorrow night.
343
00:13:02,694 --> 00:13:05,523
And bring Suzannistan.
344
00:13:05,567 --> 00:13:07,395
Really? Yes! Yes, bring her.
345
00:13:07,438 --> 00:13:08,613
You sure you want
to go to that country?
346
00:13:08,657 --> 00:13:10,920
Yeah, I'll bring my passport.
347
00:13:10,964 --> 00:13:12,269
They're bombing over there.
348
00:13:24,673 --> 00:13:27,807
If you rub any harder you're
not gonna have any skin left.
349
00:13:27,850 --> 00:13:30,679
And the jokes
just keep on coming.
350
00:13:31,245 --> 00:13:32,681
Oh, come on!
351
00:13:32,724 --> 00:13:34,030
You are not still mad at me
352
00:13:34,074 --> 00:13:35,379
about last night, are you?
353
00:13:35,423 --> 00:13:36,859
Yes, Nick. I am.
354
00:13:36,903 --> 00:13:38,643
All right, look.
355
00:13:38,687 --> 00:13:40,602
Maybe I pushed
the envelope a little.
356
00:13:40,645 --> 00:13:42,473
"Pushed the envelope a little"?
357
00:13:42,517 --> 00:13:45,259
You licked it, sealed it,
stamped it, addressed it to me
358
00:13:45,302 --> 00:13:46,826
and then pushed it
down my throat.
359
00:13:47,870 --> 00:13:49,611
What are you talking about?
360
00:13:49,654 --> 00:13:51,874
All right, they
were just laughin'.
361
00:13:51,918 --> 00:13:54,137
Yeah, at me.
362
00:13:54,181 --> 00:13:56,226
Nick, they were laughing at me.
363
00:13:56,270 --> 00:13:57,619
You embarrassed me.
364
00:13:57,662 --> 00:14:00,013
You don't have to be
embarrassed. It was all in fun.
365
00:14:00,056 --> 00:14:01,971
That is so easy for you to say.
366
00:14:02,015 --> 00:14:03,233
What if you were
just sitting there
367
00:14:03,277 --> 00:14:04,800
and someone started
making fun of you?
368
00:14:05,627 --> 00:14:06,889
Truthfully?
369
00:14:06,933 --> 00:14:08,151
It wouldn't bother me.
370
00:14:09,979 --> 00:14:11,415
Really?
371
00:14:11,459 --> 00:14:13,504
I guess I'm just thick-skinned.
372
00:14:13,548 --> 00:14:15,028
Oh, well, good for you.
373
00:14:16,246 --> 00:14:17,378
Hey.
374
00:14:17,421 --> 00:14:18,509
Hey.
375
00:14:19,989 --> 00:14:22,862
Oh, boy, I'm in Suzannistan!
376
00:14:22,905 --> 00:14:25,038
Come on out of your compound
and talk to me, baby.
377
00:14:35,265 --> 00:14:36,310
Martin.
378
00:14:37,354 --> 00:14:39,226
Martin, wake up!
379
00:14:39,269 --> 00:14:40,270
Martin!
380
00:14:45,145 --> 00:14:46,624
How long has he been asleep?
381
00:14:46,668 --> 00:14:48,235
I don't know. Martin!
382
00:14:48,278 --> 00:14:51,064
Forget it, forget it. I don't
want to do this anymore.
383
00:14:51,107 --> 00:14:52,848
But we almost caught
up with the others.
384
00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:54,981
I don't care!
385
00:14:55,024 --> 00:14:58,462
I'm having this nightmare where I'm
chased through an abandoned subway station
386
00:14:58,506 --> 00:15:01,639
by a gang of giant numbers.
387
00:15:01,683 --> 00:15:04,599
It was a really scary
episode of Schoolhouse Rock.
388
00:15:04,642 --> 00:15:07,123
What the heck
is Schoolhouse Rock?
389
00:15:07,167 --> 00:15:09,038
Isn't it that movie
with Jack Black?
390
00:15:12,563 --> 00:15:13,956
Wake up!
391
00:15:14,565 --> 00:15:15,915
Lean into it.
392
00:15:17,307 --> 00:15:18,482
Excuse me.
393
00:15:21,137 --> 00:15:22,269
Oh, shit.
394
00:15:26,186 --> 00:15:28,405
I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
395
00:15:29,972 --> 00:15:31,495
No, I think it's
exactly what I needed.
396
00:15:33,019 --> 00:15:34,672
Kevin, Lindsey,
397
00:15:35,673 --> 00:15:36,761
stand back.
398
00:15:41,897 --> 00:15:43,725
317,353.
399
00:15:43,768 --> 00:15:45,205
317,354.
400
00:15:45,248 --> 00:15:46,336
317,355.
401
00:15:46,380 --> 00:15:47,816
What did you do to him?
402
00:15:49,078 --> 00:15:50,166
I don't know.
403
00:15:53,126 --> 00:15:56,085
You know what, Nick? That stuff you
said about Suzanne in the bathroom,
404
00:15:56,129 --> 00:15:58,218
my wife did the same
exact thing to me.
405
00:15:58,261 --> 00:16:01,134
We'd buy our house, walk
in right to the bathroom,
406
00:16:01,177 --> 00:16:02,744
opens up the medicine cabinet,
407
00:16:02,787 --> 00:16:04,528
she said, "It's all yours."
408
00:16:04,572 --> 00:16:06,704
And I said, "The whole
medicine cabinet?"
409
00:16:06,748 --> 00:16:08,706
She said, "No, the
bottom shelf is all yours."
410
00:16:11,405 --> 00:16:12,884
He's hilarious!
411
00:16:12,928 --> 00:16:14,103
All right, you know what, Dan?
412
00:16:14,147 --> 00:16:16,279
I admit I have
taken over the bathroom.
413
00:16:16,323 --> 00:16:19,282
But, that is because I'm
trying to keep him out of there.
414
00:16:19,326 --> 00:16:21,197
Really, you have not
been in there with him
415
00:16:21,241 --> 00:16:22,894
when he is clipping
his toenails.
416
00:16:22,938 --> 00:16:24,244
It is dangerous.
417
00:16:24,287 --> 00:16:26,289
They come flying at you
like you're in The Matrix.
418
00:16:28,074 --> 00:16:30,467
Oh, look. She's doing it!
419
00:16:32,165 --> 00:16:33,383
Keanu Reeves there.
420
00:16:37,692 --> 00:16:39,520
Oh, no, don't even
get me started.
421
00:16:39,563 --> 00:16:42,523
If you saw the ring around
the tub when he gets out,
422
00:16:42,566 --> 00:16:44,960
you could make When
The Levees Broke part two?
423
00:16:46,440 --> 00:16:47,484
No, really.
424
00:16:47,528 --> 00:16:49,356
FEMA should send me a trailer.
425
00:16:50,618 --> 00:16:52,489
She's awesome.Yeah.
426
00:16:53,882 --> 00:16:55,057
No, no, no. No more.
427
00:16:55,101 --> 00:16:56,493
No, no, no, I swear.
428
00:16:56,537 --> 00:16:58,060
Sometimes, he is so ashy,
429
00:16:58,104 --> 00:16:59,801
we don't even have
to buy flowers.
430
00:16:59,844 --> 00:17:01,803
I'm in the kitchen,
I'm like, "Hey, Nick.
431
00:17:01,846 --> 00:17:03,196
"Give me a couple of that ash."
432
00:17:05,763 --> 00:17:06,851
Ash-hole.
433
00:17:12,422 --> 00:17:13,815
I got tears in my eyes.
434
00:17:13,858 --> 00:17:15,077
No, no, no. Dan, listen.
435
00:17:15,121 --> 00:17:16,644
I know he looks tough.
436
00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:20,561
But he cries at
movies more than I do.
437
00:17:20,604 --> 00:17:22,258
At the end of The Blind Side,
438
00:17:22,302 --> 00:17:23,738
this one is sniffling.
439
00:17:23,781 --> 00:17:25,653
I know what he's going through.
440
00:17:28,177 --> 00:17:29,831
Oh, the snot bubble,
and everything.
441
00:17:31,137 --> 00:17:33,182
Well, I think we
need to go, honey.
442
00:17:33,226 --> 00:17:34,401
Oh, no, we got this.
443
00:17:34,444 --> 00:17:35,619
No, Dan invited us.
444
00:17:35,663 --> 00:17:37,012
No, I couldn't.
No, I couldn't pay.
445
00:17:38,274 --> 00:17:40,276
You know what?
This has been a riot.
446
00:17:40,320 --> 00:17:42,496
This has been a riot,
and I'm gonna do it again.
447
00:17:42,539 --> 00:17:45,412
When I come back to Seattle,
we are going to do this again.
448
00:17:45,455 --> 00:17:47,196
And if you ever
come to Connecticut,
449
00:17:47,240 --> 00:17:49,372
we are going out, my treat
450
00:17:49,416 --> 00:17:50,547
We would love to.
451
00:17:53,159 --> 00:17:54,725
Exactly.
452
00:17:54,769 --> 00:17:56,379
That'd be great.
That would be good.
453
00:18:13,222 --> 00:18:15,094
What's the matter?
454
00:18:15,137 --> 00:18:16,356
You're not upset, are you?
455
00:18:16,921 --> 00:18:18,358
Why?
456
00:18:18,401 --> 00:18:20,534
Because you put me on blast
in front of Dan Patrick?
457
00:18:21,622 --> 00:18:22,753
Yeah, a little.
458
00:18:23,798 --> 00:18:25,800
Aw, come on.
459
00:18:25,843 --> 00:18:27,715
It was all jokes.
460
00:18:27,758 --> 00:18:30,109
Where's that thick skin?
461
00:18:30,152 --> 00:18:33,808
Apparently, it's buried under
pounds and pounds of ash.
462
00:18:34,983 --> 00:18:37,290
Okay, you got me.
463
00:18:37,333 --> 00:18:39,292
But did you have to embarrass me
464
00:18:39,335 --> 00:18:41,598
in front of my hero,
Dan Patrick?
465
00:18:41,642 --> 00:18:43,731
Yeah. He was the only one there.
466
00:18:43,774 --> 00:18:46,037
If I could have found 200
people that you work with,
467
00:18:46,081 --> 00:18:48,170
I would've embarrassed you
in front of them, too.
468
00:18:49,389 --> 00:18:51,173
Okay, I get it.
469
00:18:51,956 --> 00:18:53,306
Look, I was on stage
470
00:18:53,349 --> 00:18:56,091
and I panicked, all right?
471
00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:57,614
Then they started laughin'
472
00:18:57,658 --> 00:18:59,529
and I got caught up in it.
473
00:18:59,573 --> 00:19:01,096
Listen, baby.
Come here, come here.
474
00:19:02,141 --> 00:19:03,751
I promise.
475
00:19:03,794 --> 00:19:06,928
I will never, never make
jokes at your expense again.
476
00:19:07,537 --> 00:19:08,973
All right? I'm sorry.
477
00:19:11,062 --> 00:19:12,455
Neither will I.
478
00:19:12,499 --> 00:19:14,370
And I'm sorry, too.
479
00:19:14,414 --> 00:19:17,547
And all those jokes
I made about you,
480
00:19:17,591 --> 00:19:20,724
they're all part of the reason
that I love you so much.
481
00:19:21,856 --> 00:19:23,988
Even about me
cryin' at the movies?
482
00:19:24,032 --> 00:19:25,338
Mm-hmm.
483
00:19:25,381 --> 00:19:27,818
And your ashy elbows.
484
00:19:27,862 --> 00:19:29,385
You like those? Mm-hmm.
485
00:19:30,821 --> 00:19:31,866
I love you.
486
00:19:31,909 --> 00:19:33,084
I love you, too.
487
00:19:39,395 --> 00:19:41,702
Uh-uh, uh-uh. No way.
488
00:19:42,529 --> 00:19:43,834
Why not?
489
00:19:43,878 --> 00:19:45,967
Uh, not as long as your friend
490
00:19:46,010 --> 00:19:47,621
is downstairs, counting.
491
00:19:47,664 --> 00:19:49,579
How much longer is he
gonna be here anyway?
492
00:19:52,234 --> 00:19:54,454
999,982.
493
00:19:54,497 --> 00:19:56,804
999,983.
494
00:19:56,847 --> 00:19:59,328
We are getting so close
I can't even believe it.
495
00:19:59,372 --> 00:20:00,503
We're almost there!
496
00:20:00,547 --> 00:20:01,983
999,985.
497
00:20:02,026 --> 00:20:03,941
You know, once
we win this money,
498
00:20:03,985 --> 00:20:06,292
I'm gonna buy a different
car for every day of the week.
499
00:20:06,335 --> 00:20:07,902
I'm gonna buy a Bugatti.
500
00:20:07,945 --> 00:20:11,340
What do you need a car
for? You can't even drive.
501
00:20:11,384 --> 00:20:13,777
You're right. I'll
just get a jet instead.
502
00:20:13,821 --> 00:20:14,909
That's even cooler.
503
00:20:14,952 --> 00:20:16,345
999,991.
504
00:20:16,389 --> 00:20:17,781
Quick, you guys.
Turn on the news.
505
00:20:17,825 --> 00:20:18,869
Channel seven.
506
00:20:18,913 --> 00:20:20,219
999,992.
507
00:20:20,262 --> 00:20:21,524
And finally tonight,
508
00:20:21,568 --> 00:20:24,048
police have shut down the popular online contest,
509
00:20:24,092 --> 00:20:25,746
"Count to a million, win a million,"
510
00:20:25,789 --> 00:20:29,053
after they discovered it was a scam run by a seven-year-old boy.
511
00:20:29,097 --> 00:20:30,403
who used all of the proceeds
512
00:20:30,446 --> 00:20:32,274
to buy himself a Lamborghini.
513
00:20:32,318 --> 00:20:33,710
Police say they were tipped off
514
00:20:33,754 --> 00:20:37,061
when he ordered the $800,000 car with a booster seat.
515
00:20:39,542 --> 00:20:42,066
999,996.
516
00:20:42,763 --> 00:20:45,418
999,997.
517
00:20:45,940 --> 00:20:48,464
999,998.
518
00:20:48,943 --> 00:20:51,728
999,999.
519
00:20:52,338 --> 00:20:53,643
One million!
520
00:20:54,383 --> 00:20:55,602
I win!
521
00:20:55,645 --> 00:20:57,256
I win!
522
00:20:59,736 --> 00:21:00,824
I'm a winner.
35428
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