Original subtitles

Are you sure she won't know it's me calling?

Positive. I put in a fake number with a Connecticut area code.

Good, because I can't stand her.

She's, like, one of the meanest girls in my class.

Hello? Brittany?

Yes?

If I were you, I wouldn't go out with your friends tonight.

What? Why not?

Because you're a grenade that's about to explode.

Who is this?

It's the telephone terrorist. You just got got.

What are you guys doing?

Um, nothing. Just going over some stuff for school.Yeah.

Have you talked to your mother?

I've been trying to get ahold of her, and she's usually home by now.

Nope.Mm-mm.

Knock, knock.

Hey, Terrence. I didn't know you were coming over.

Now you know.

Hey, have y'all seen anything out of the ordinary in this neighborhood?

No, why? What's wrong?

We're tracking a possible hostile operative.

Oh, Lindsey's hostile. Why don't you just take her and call it a day?

It sounds serious, man. TERRENCE: It is serious, Nick,

and we'll let you know more once we get a lock on his location.

So if you see any suspicious activity,

let me know.

What would be considered suspicious activity?

Asking too many damn questions.

Hello.

What's up, Gigi? Is Suzanne with you?

What? How? Is she okay?

Dad, what's wrong?

Your mother's in jail. What?

♪ Are we there yet?

♪ Tell me, tell me, tell me

♪ Tell me, are we there yet?

♪ Are we there yet?

Okay, listen, all I know is, I took my car in for an oil change,

and then suddenly, one of my brake lights isn't working.

Yes, oh, yes, I know that changing the oil

has nothing to do with the brake lights.

Listen, I know, I'm right.

Then why don't you just let me speak to your supervisor?

Then how about I speak to his supervisor?

Then how about I talk to your mama and tell her how you're behaving?

Hello? Hello!

Let me get this straight. You want this guy to do something for you

and you think the best way to get him to do that is by insulting him?

No, what I want is for him to do something for me because I'm right.

According to who? According to me.

Come on, baby.

We've been through this before, all right?

You think because you're little and cute,

you can go around yelling at people and demanding things.

Nick, no, I don't.

Yes, you do. And it works. Sometimes.

But, look, baby, you're on the phone. He can't see you.

To him, you're just another big, ugly person yelling things.

All right? Look, why don't you just stop talking and listen?

And what am I supposed to be listening to? That fool?

If you want your car fixed.

Look, baby, I'm not saying he's right,

I'm guessing he's just doing his job.

He probably hears stuff like this from people all the time.

Why would he think you're any different?

Because I told him I was.

There you go again.

That is not how you deal with people.

Oh, you know what? Don't tell me how to deal with people.

I deal with people all the time.

Dealing with people is my business.

If anybody knows how to deal with people, it's me.

Especially if you want them to slam the phone down in your face.

That's a slam.

Gigi. Hmm?

Did you get these invitations made at our regular printer?

No, I got them made...

I told you a million times, do not use anybody else.

But when you called me on Saturday...

It doesn't matter, okay?

This card stock is cheap,

and I'm not showing this to the client.

May I speak now?

Yes. Thank you.

Friday, you told me we needed them by Monday, which is today,

and I tried to tell you that it was going to cost more for the rush job

and the client didn't want to go over budget.

But before I could finish,

you told me the client wants them by Monday, so have them by Monday.

No ifs, ands or buts.

And then what? And then, I laughed, because you said butts.

And then, I okayed it with the client, and here we are.

You could have told me this on Saturday.

I tried, but believe it or not, Suzanne,

sometimes you just don't listen.

Okay, well, it doesn't matter.

All right? I'm not giving this to the client, because if they knew what they wanted,

they wouldn't have hired me in the first place. Come on.

Where are we going? We're going to the printer.

Well, do you want me to drive? No.

But what about... I said I'll drive, let's go.

What? Maybe next time I try to tell you something,

you'll listen to me.

Now you stand there and you think about it.

Listen, Bernard. Where are you taking me?

Out for coffee, but I just

want you to wait here in the cell for me until I get back.

No, no, no. You see, I can't wait in the cell,

because they put criminals in there.

And I'm not a criminal, I'm a law-abiding citizen.

I pay taxes, okay. Technically, you work for me.

That gun, that's mine.

You know what, you should just give me that.

That was merely a suggestion, it wasn't a threat.

Hey, listen, do you know what could happen to me in here?

I do, but if I tell you, it might frighten you.

Oh, hello.

Step off, Beyonce. You better recognize.

So, what is all this stuff anyway?

Audio surveillance.

This allows me to listen

to every phone conversation going through the tower in this area.

So, you listen to everybody's phone-calls?

Not everybody's.

So how will you know it's him?

Well, we got a program that picks out the keywords.

So it gets rid of all the nonsense,

we can concentrate on the dangerous people.

Um, is that legal?

When you're dealing with something like this,

the lines between legal and illegal are blurred.

Now, was it legal for them to kick out Paula Abdul for J.Lo? Huh?

Was it legal for them to take Charlie Sheen's kids?

And was it legal for them to discontinue the McRib?

Yes, technically, all those things were legal.

So what? Point is, you got to do what you got to do.

Now, what you got to do is get me another juice box.

Another one? Another one. Hurry up, man.

Or the terrorists win.

Excuse me.

Yes. I don't mean to get in your business,

but, uh, you seem a bit too beautiful

to be sitting around a police station.

Thank you.

I'm Lamar. I'm Gigi.

So, Lemar. Do you work here?

Tell you what... Hm-hmm.

We could talk about what I do and how I do it.

Ooh.

over dinner and drinks. Ooh, I'd like that.

When?

When I get out. Oh, so when do you get out?

In about a year.

Oh.

Hit me up, I'm on Facebook.

So what's your last name?

HeyGigi.

Where's Suzanne? The have her in a holding cell

and they won't tell me anything.

Hold on, I'll handle this.

You gotta know how to talk to these people.Okay.

Excuse me. Take a seat over there, sir.

Yes, officer.

The guy we're looking for is within a three-mile radius.

No way, that's creepy.

So, how would we know it's him?

We got lucky, this dude is stupid, all right?

He keeps using the same sign-off,

he calls his self the "telephone terrorist." That's weak.

The telephone terrorist? Yeah.

He's saying something about he's a grenade, he gonna blow people up,

using electronic stuff on his voice.

Now, this could be some crazy, all right, that's playing on the phone

or it could be some kid that need a butt-whooping.

Either or, he gonna get it.

So, how're you gonna catch him?

Well, all he has to do is use his computer one more time,

and bam, we got him.

Yeah? Bam!

We got him.

Would you stop walking back and forth?

You look like you're waiting for the mother ship.

God. You're making me nervous.

Well, you're making me nervous, yelling at people. What's wrong with you?

Me? Yeah.

I'm just going to stand over here and wait for my husband to come and get me.

Husband?

I thought you were a street walker.

Do I look like a street walker to you?

You know the economy is not so good, sister.

They're selling for a lot less these days.

Come on, sit down.

Good.

I'm Elise. I'm Suzanne.

What are you in here for?

It's a long story.

There are no long stories.

There are just short stories that people make long.

You want to hear the history of the world?

Sure.Bang.

Dinosaurs. Fat Oprah. Thin Oprah. Fat Oprah.

Gayle. Us.

So what happened?

I talked back to a cop.

Ooh. See?

Short story.

Come on, we have plenty of time here. Let's hear the long version.

Well, you know, it was just a crazy day.

This morning, I get into a fight with my mechanic over the phone,

because he messed up one of my break lights.

And then I get to work only to find out that a very important invitation

that a client had ordered hadn't been done properly.

So as I'm driving to the printer to go and order a new one,

the cop pulls me over, because my brake light is out.

You didn't like that, huh? Well, no.

And I told him, "I don't need you to tell me that my brake light is out.

"I know that my brake light is out, and I plan on getting it fixed."

But then he starts writing me a fix-it ticket.

Oh-ho-ho, bet you didn't like that.

Well, no. I told him, "I don't need your stupid ticket,

"all right, because I'm going to get the brake light fixed."

But then I tell him, "You know what? You're just wasting my time

"and his time."

Yeah, and I'll bet he didn't like that.

Well, no. So then he asks where I'm headed to, and I say, "You know what?

"It's none of your business where I'm heading to,

"and you should just let me go and go after the real criminals out there."

Oh yeah, absolutely right.

There are so many real criminals out there. Justin Bieber!

Oh!

Ah! Stealing money! Do you know what his concert tickets cost?

It's outrageous. Outrageous!

Outrageous. So go ahead. Go ahead. Arresting criminals, go ahead.

Okay, so then, the cop asked me if I'd been drinking.

Had you? No!

It was 10 o'clock in the morning.

So, listen, I said, "No, I haven't been drinking."

And I tell him he's crazy, and then he asked me to take a sobriety test

So you know what? I was so angry, I said, "Here's your sobriety test,"

and I blew him in the face.

You're crazy.

Well, I was upset, Elise.

Do you know they could have taken you into a bathroom

and beaten you senseless with a bar of soap in a sock?

Don't you... Don't you watch Cops?

No. So, anyway. That's my story.

What's yours? Easy.

I stabbed my husband, and I stabbed my mother-in-law.

You stabbed your husband?

And my mother-in-law. Don't forget her.

Short story.

Um, hello, officer.

I hate to bother you.

But not so much that you're not gonna bother me.

Um, I see you're very busy,

I was.

But I was trying to see

if I could get my wife out of jail?

What's your wife's name?

Suzanne Kingston-Persons.

Oh, no. Her?

Gloria Allred's out in the back there

You know she blew in an officer's face? You don't do that.

I know. She's lucky she's little.

Or else... I'm not saying we do this,

but we could throw her in a closet and beat her with a bar of soap in a sock.

I mean some guys might do that.

Okay, look, officer. Look.

I am sorry and I know she's sorry.

I was just telling her this morning that people have jobs to do.

That's right. You know,

and they deal with stuff all day. Don't they just?

And she does think that, because she's little, she can say anything to anybody.

That's like my mother.

She thinks because she's old, she can say anything to anybody, anytime.

I mean, she would curse the Pope out if somebody would let her.

Maybe we should put the two of them in a room and film it.

Oh, now, that's a show I'd like to see.

Little people, big mouths.

Yeah, this looks like it's gonna be a disorderly conduct.

You know, you're a decent guy. Talk to her.

I'll let her out on a personal bail.

I appreciate that.

Thank you.

Now go sit down and don't bother me again.

Thanks, officer.

Could I give you a little piece of advice? Sure.

You're young. Well, actually youngish.

This is not a good light for you at all.

But, you young people

you just think you're entitled to have things work out for you

and when they don't, you complain,

or you blow in a cop's face.

Either way, when you get older, you are going to learn that sometimes

silence says a lot more than words.

Okay, so, why stab your husband?

Because sometimes a knife says more than silence.

Suzanne Kingston-Persons, you're free to go.

I am? Oh! Thank goodness.

Oh. Oh, Elise, it was really lovely meeting you. Thank you so much.

And I really do hope everything works out for you.

My best to Jigga.

And when am I getting out of here?

When you learn to talk to people instead of stabbing them.

And how is the old fart?

He's gonna be fine, Mom.

Mom?

It's not so sure. I keep telling her,

"Show me your birth certificate."

Hey, everybody, jail-bird's home.

Are you okay? Oh, yes, sweetheart. I'm fine.

Did they let you keep your orange jumpsuit?

Kevin, I wasn't wearing an orange jumpsuit.

They just had me in a holding cell for a little while.

Well, well, well.

If it ain't inmate 567.

I can't believe they put your little but in jail.

Now you know how I feel about the police.

Yeah, we know.

Okay. I gotta get going.

That's if you're through settin' it off.

Hey, Terrence, is everything all right?

Oh, don't worry. We're tracking a possible terrorist.

What? I said "possible," calm down.

We got it under control. Now what's that?

Okay, babe. You look and I'll keep an eye on him.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, that's a new picture I put up of me and the kids.

I love that frame. It is so nice. Mason? Don't worry. Ciao.

Bye. All right, have a good one. Have a good one.

So, Mom. What happened. What did you do?

Uh, well,

I talked back to a police officer.

Wow. So, Mom, since you talked back to a cop who's an authority figure,

does that mean that I'm allowed to talk back to you?

Why don't you try it and see what happens.

I know one thing that won't happen to me. I won't go to jail.

But you might go to the hospital.

All right, so on that note, why don't you kids go get ready for bed?

Okay. All right.

Good night.

You know, honey, uh, she does have a point.

You know?

What point would that be?

Well, how can you expect our kids to know when to stop talking and listen

when their own mother goes to jail, because she can't do it?

It's two different things. No, it's not.

The only reason you're out of there is because I was polite to that cop.

Look, she talked. I listened. She told me what she wanted to tell me. I didn't argue.

Oh, really? Really.

So, is that what you want?

You want me to just listen and never argue like some Russian mail-order bride?

Yeah, that would be nice for a change. Yeah.

Okay.

That's what you want?

That's what you gonna get.

Hey, honey, do you know what's wrong with the computer? It's not working.

No, I do not.

Kevin, do you know what's wrong with the computer?

It won't turn on.

Oh, uh...

Lindsey, what's up with the computer?

It was working fine yesterday.

Did you do something to it?

Me?

No, I just did computer stuff.

Like tapping on the keys and... stuff.

Mom, can we have pancakes for breakfast?

No, we had pancakes yesterday. I want bacon and eggs.

Well, I was going to have yogurt and fruit,

but that's okay. I'll make all three.

You will?

Yes, why wouldn't I?

No, your mom is not going to make three breakfasts, all right? It's not a diner.

Well, what should I make, then?

Uh, bacon and eggs.

Okay, then. Everybody is going to have bacon and eggs.

I thought you were having fruit and yogurt.

I was, but now I'm having bacon and eggs.

You know what? On second thought, I'll just have some yogurt.

Honey, would you still like to have bacon and eggs?

Because if that's what you want, that's what I'll make,

because that's what you want.

No, thanks.

Okay.

Come on, shoot the three, you got it.

Oh, that's a flop. That's... Come on.

Obvious.

Hello.

I didn't know you were in here.

You want to watch TV? We can go in my office.

No, I'll go upstairs.

Are you sure? Yes, I am.

Okay, I don't know what's going on here,

but that was creepy.

That's exactly how women act right before they appear in an episode of Snapped.

I talked to her after she got out of jail.

All I said was I thought it would be better if she would listen

and not argue all the time, but now she just agrees with everything.

You say that like it's a bad thing.

That's all it took, just talking to her?

I guess so.

I have got to remember that.

Talk to them.

Finally.

Dad, what are you doing?

I fixed the computer. It had a bunch of loose wires or...

No, no, turn it off now, quick!

We live here!

What is going on here?

Ma'am, we have reason to believe that this man is the Telephone Terrorist.

Telephone Terrorist?

You got the wrong guy! Baby, tell 'em.

You know, I'm listening to this man,

and I understand that he may have to take you to jail,

but he's just doing his job.

What?

We appreciate your cooperation, ma'am.

No problem.

Now, if everything checks out, he'll be home in a few hours,

and if not, well, we were never here.

Take him out of here! Let's go!

But, Suzanne! Come here, baby!