Original subtitles

Nick!

What's wrong?

I've been trying to get you to plan

Fourth of July with me for over a month,

and you keep saying, "Later."

Well, it's later, and we have to do this now.

Look, in my defense, I didn't know you were planning anything.

Well, what did you think I was doing?

I thought you were just talking.

Look, a plan isn't a plan unless the person that you're planning with

knows it's the plan, too.

Fine. Next time, I'll remember to put,

"Pay attention, I'm talking to you," in your calendar.

Now, can we book these tickets now?

Because they're the only cheap ones left.

Mmm-hmm.

Nick, listen to me.

I'm listening. You said, "Tickets."

Okay, these tickets cost $240 each.

Each? Round trip? Yes.

No connection? No.

Nick.

What? Okay, then, uh, get them.

Well, they're non-refundable. What if you have to work?

Okay, then don't get them. Uh, get some other ones.

But the other ones are twice as much.

Okay, then get these.

But these have additional baggage fees.

Do you think we can take one bag each?

I don't know. How much does it cost for the extra bag?

$50 per bag per person.

Oh, man!

So, you mean to tell me that if we left our luggage,

we could actually take another person? That's crazy.

Nick, focus. Okay, I'm focused.

Look, all right. Uh... So, these tickets cost twice as much.

Uh, how much does it cost for the extra bag with those?

$35.

Okay, so it's really not twice as much.

It's twice as much minus 50 plus 35, plus they're refundable.

How much does it cost to change these tickets?

$100.

Then what's that? I don't know.

You didn't figure this out already?

I was waiting for you.

You can't count by yourself?

You know what? I'm just going to buy these tickets.

Whatever it costs, it costs, and whatever happens, happens.

Fine, buy the tickets.

Thank you.

Oh, no.

What? What's wrong?

They sold the tickets.

Okay, then, uh, we'll just do something else.

Something else? Really, Nick? That's your plan?

You know what? I'll tell you what.

If you can find something else for us to do

that's affordable, we'll do it.

But if you can't, you have to tell the kids

that you waited until the last minute to buy their tickets,

and now, they don't have a summer vacation.

Oh, so now it's my fault?

Yeah.

I just sent a reminder to your calendar.

It's "Take the blame" Tuesdays.

That's real mature, baby.

Real mature.

♪ Are we there yet?

♪ Tell me, tell me, tell me

♪ Tell me, are we there yet?

♪ Are we there yet?

Man, this is going to be great.

Fourth of July in Vegas, poolside.

Drinks, women, drunk women.

So, when do you plan to go down there?

See, I don't have to plan-plan.

Remember that flight attendant I was dating?

She gave me this employee pass,

and now I just show up at the airport.

They put me in an open seat anywhere I want to go.

I don't have four of those passes, so I'm out of luck.

Why don't you just drive somewhere for vacation?

Like where?

I don't know. Grand Canyon, amusement park, Europe.

Drive to Europe?

Yeah, everything I know about family vacations,

I learned from National Lampoon.

Ooh, this is good.

What you got?

Skiing in Vancouver!

Bam!

Skiing? In the middle of summer?

According to this. And it's just a drive up to Vancouver.

Do they have any rooms?

Yeah.

Oh, this is great. They got a private course and lift.

There's skiing, snowboarding, sledding.

And they make their own snow year round.

I didn't think the kids knew how to ski.

They don't. That's what lessons are for.

I got another text from Tina.

She's going to Hawaii with her family.

I thought Tina was going to Costa Rica.

No, that's Tanya.

Wait, I thought Tanya was going to Cabo.

That's Dylan.

Oh, the one you think is cute?

No, that Dylan is going to Cancun.

Ooh, when they see my pictures from the Bahamas,

it's totally going to blow their vacations away.

Oh, did you see that?

That guy almost took off James Bond's head with a hat!

You're watching James Bond?

Yeah, did you know another actor

played him besides Daniel Craig?

Yeah, that's Sean Connery. There were, like, five or six others.

What? No way.

Way. That's Goldfinger. And the guy with the hat, that's Oddjob.

Cool.

Uh, I don't know if your mother told you,

but you know that trip we were planning?

Yeah, I can't wait. The Bahamas is going to be so awesome.

Me and my girlfriends said we would tweet pictures, like, every day

and make a picture diary of our vacation.

Yeah. Well, there's been a change in plans.

We're not going. What?

Please tell me this is a joke.

Well, it's a long story. But we're going someplace else!

Where?

Vancouver!

They have beaches in Vancouver?

What? I don't know.

We're going skiing!

You can ski in the summer?

Yes.

Why would anybody want to go skiing in the summer?

Because their other trip got canceled, all right? Thank you.

So, did you tell them about the Bahamas?

I am telling them now

that although we will not be able to go to the beach,

we are going skiing in Vancouver!

Skiing in the summer?

Yes, in the summer.

Well, I mean, as long as it's okay with the kids,

it's fine by me. All right.

I think it's cool. I guess it's better than staying home.

Did you book it?

Oh, I was waiting to talk to you guys.

Nick, it's the summer. These things book up quickly.

No, it's okay. I was on the website an hour ago.

They had plenty of rooms.

Look at this. All I have to do, go back to the web page,

I got all my info plugged in,

refresh, send and bam!

"Sold out."

What?

Sold out?

They had rooms an hour ago.

Well, I guess you're not the only one with the Internet!

Wait, so now we're not going?

You've got to be kidding me. Everybody I know is going to be on a trip,

and I'm going to be posting pictures of my room.

It's okay, Dad. I mean, going to the beach would have been cool,

and going skiing this summer would have been even cooler,

but I guess watching James Bond reruns can be cool, too.

How many Bonds did you say they had?

Six or seven.

I'll go look them up on Wikipedia.

I know! I'm sorry.

Look, baby,

I will make this up to you.

Really, Nick? How?

Honey?

Oh, come...

Good morning!

Wow!

Nick, what is all this?

Welcome to Casa del Nick.

"Casa del Nick?"

That's right.

Look, since we can't go on vacation,

we're going to have a staycation!

That's Raheem. Say, "What's up?"

So, a staycation, huh?

Yeah, staycation.

Look, it's a vacation for people who choose to stay at home.

Everything you can do on some remote location,

you can do right in your own backyard.

Wow, this is almost as cool as skiing in the summer.

Right? I said almost.

This is not a vacation.

This is lame.

Lindsey, please.

Just trust me, this is not going to be lame.

Lindsey, apologize. Your father is doing the best that he can.

Sorry.

Oh, don't worry about it. You are going to have fun.

Now, look, if everyone would please follow me,

breakfast is served on the patio.

All right, everybody, let's go.

Ooh! Hot sand! Hot sand.

Come on in.

Check it out. Nice, huh, huh?

Have a seat. Have a seat. Enjoy.

Good morning, everybody, and welcome to La buena comida.

Martin, wait a minute. I thought you were going to Las Vegas.

Yeah, turns out that employee pass stops working

when you stop dating that employee.

Martin will be taking your breakfast orders,

so just relax, and let's get this party started.

So, what can I get for the young lady?

Ooh, I'll take tickets to the Bahamas to go.

Lindsey.

Okay, can I get room service?

Lindsey.

It's okay. Yes, you may have room service.

Nice. If I decide to eat, I'll let you know.

Hey, Dad, does this resort have pay-per-view movies?

Actually, we have free-per-view movies.

Oh, can we get all the James Bond movies?

I want to see who the best James Bond is.

That'd be Roger Moore,

The Man with the Golden Gun.

That is a James Bond movie.

And Scaramanga? Best villain ever.

Okay, I don't know who you're talking about,

but he can't be cooler than Oddjob.

We may have to view some of these flicks and compare.

So, what's it going to be?

Uh, can I have a bowl of jelly, please?

A fine choice, sir.

With some saltine crackers on the side.

Mmm-hmm. And some peanut butter.

That'd be crunchy or creamy?

I'll take creamy.

Creamy it is. And for the lady.

I would like to have Suzanne's favorite egg white omelet.

Mmm-hmm.

Mira, Mira, order up. Ding, ding.

All right, I got a crock of jam with brown sauce on the side

and a number one coming right up!

Okay, so what is this I hear about you all having a vacation at home?

Hello, Marilyn.

Hello, Suzanne.

Dad messed up and didn't book our trip,

so now we're having a "staycation."

Well, I got three words for you,

count me in!

May I show you to your room, ma'am?

Well, I'd love that.

Uh, you want me in your room, right? Okay, thanks.

No! No, uh...

Not the master suite.

Baby, I could get used to this.

Good, because it only gets better.

I got James Bond movies for Kevin,

and I just found out Lady Gaga's playing downtown.

Look, Mike said he could get us tickets.

Oh, my gosh, Nick, Lindsey loves Lady Gaga.

And we are going to see her, baby.

Oh!

What can I get for you, Mom?

Uh, something to drink, baby.

Coming right up.

So, Suzanne, what is the plan for today?

Well, Nick graciously booked spa appointments

at Seattle Body and Spa.

Wow, that's nice.

Mmm-hmm. Really nice.

Spa appointments, huh?

Would you like to join us, Marilyn?

Now, Suzanne, you know I don't like to intrude.

You wouldn't be intruding. Actually, we have three appointments,

and Lindsey doesn't feel like going.

Ooh!

Let's get our spa on!

Hey, Gigi. Girl, that dress is gorgeous.Mmm-hmm.

Thank you.

Come on, let's go. Hold on a minute.

♪ Medi-Pedi foot scrub

♪ Mud bath, back rub ♪

♪ To the spa, to the spa To the spa ♪

To the spa!

♪ To the spa, to the spa To the spa, whoo! ♪

Hey! You all know I can't get out of this thing by myself!

Hey! Hey.

You missed the spa. You would have had a great time.

No, I wouldn't.

I'm sitting in my kitchen while my friends

are tweeting pictures from their vacations.

Lindsey,

before I was as fabulous as I am now, I was...

Well, not as fabulous as I am now.

And one of the things I learned to do

was to always make the best of the situation.

Your dad put in a lot of effort

to make this into a vacation.

If it's supposed to be a resort, act like it's a resort.

You can tweet that.

I mean, look at all of this.

You have an ocean view, tropical drinks,

and you have your family.

Grab that drink.

Put these on.

There we go. Give me your phone.

Stand over there,

right in front of the ocean view, girl.

All right, smile.

Tweet that.

Hey, guys, Nick around? I have to tell him something.

Yeah, he's out in the office.

Okay.

You guys watching The Spy Who Loved Me?

Yeah, that guy's teeth are ridiculous.

You know what? Forget what I said earlier.

Jaws is definitely the best villain of all time.

That guy? I seen scarier teeth on the Wu Tang Clan.

That guy's got nothing on Stamper

from Tomorrow Never Dies.

He'd have something on him if he bit his leg off.

Stamper loves pain. Wouldn't bother him a bit.

Bond before Pierce Brosnan is like the Black Eyed Peas before Fergie.

Ain't worth watching.

Okay, listen, you can have your Pierce Brosnan.

As far as I'm concerned, if it's not Roger Moore, it's not James Bond.

All right, all right, best Bond girl.

Obviously, it's Major Anya Amasova

from The Spy Who Loved Me.

Get out of here with that!

Christmas Jones, The World Is Not Enough.

Mmm...

Were you shaken as a baby?

Denise Richards could take hotness pills for a year,

and she wouldn't even be in the same ball park as Barbara Bach.

What do you think, Kev? Who do you like?

I like the lady from Goldfinger.

Right, Goldfinger. Mmm. What was her name?

Um, oh, Pussy Galore.

Hmm.

Okay, let's go try something else, huh?

This way. Come on. We're done.

It's not over.

You were right, Gigi.

I've gotten a ton of responses to my tweet about my vacation.

Sarah says she wishes she was here.

See, I told you.

Ooh!

Take one.Okay.

Honey, you did great.

Look, even Lindsey is having fun.

Perfect.

All right, I think we got everything set up. Ready to go.

All right. Everybody, everybody, please have a seat.

It is time for our show.

All right.

Tonight, I will be performing an interpretive luau dance

that will be translated by Gigi.

Aloha.

Aloha!

Martin?

Nice. Drums.

There once was a king

who claimed he could fly.

But he failed when it came to the Fourth of July.

Are interpretive luau dances supposed to rhyme?

I don't know.

The king ignored his queen,

which made her as mad as he's ever seen.

The king is so sorry

that they're not far away on vacation

but still so glad that the family is together

and having a great staycation.

That was so good. Let's eat!

Not for nothing, Nick, but that was a real good time.

Oh, thanks, Mike.

Hey, by the way, what made you come over?

Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you.

Those Gaga tickets fell through.

What? What happened?

Your cousin was supposed to hook us up!

I'm sorry, man. But, hey, listen,

if you ever want to see Journey with that Filipino guy,

you let me know.

I'll get you right on the waiting list.

Good morning.

Morning.

Hey, where's Martin?

He's out doing some things.

Oh, my God, Dad,

I tweeted that I was going to see Lady Gaga,

and all my friends are so jealous.

Um...

About that,

I wasn't able to get the tickets.

You're joking, right?

I wish I was, baby. I'm sorry.

Great. It's one thing to say I'm enjoying my vacation,

but I can't lie and say I saw that concert.

So, what do you have planned now?

Nothing yet. I'm still working on it.

So, that's it?

I finally get excited about our stupid vacation,

and now it's over? Whatever.

Lindsey, come back here.

Lindsey! Come back here!

You know, I have worked very hard

to make this an enjoyable experience.

Now, I understand that this is not the Bahamas,

but I am doing my best.

I'm sorry if that's not good enough.

What happened to the resort?

Game over.

The vacation is over.

Almost everything I've promised, I wasn't able to make happen.

Stupid idea to begin with.

Well, I could have told you that.

Nick, it looked like everybody was having a good time.

They were, till they fell apart.

So, something goes wrong and you quit?

I talked to Lindsey.

We all have a surprise for you.

Let me guess.

Everyone's got all their complaints

compiled into one neat little list.

You know, I'm going to sit right here,

and they can just email it to my phone.

No, Nick.

Now, come on. We have something we want to show you.

Oh, here he comes!

The man of the hour.

You think you're ready?

I don't know what I'm ready for. What? What?

Okay, here's your throne, King Nick.

Here you go. Oh, look!

Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to

the first Annual Kingston-Persons Fourth of July Extravaganza!

You know, in professional establishments,

they blink the lights to let you know the show's in 15 minutes.

Okay, anyway, back from their world tour,

introducing Lady Lala and Reyonce!

Ready!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Whoo!

Yeah!

All right.

Oh!

Look at that.

Lovely!

Oh, my God, thank you.Daddy.

That was wonderful!

Well, um, it's not over.

Bam! What?

I could only get two tickets,

but I thought it would be nice

if you took your daughter

to see the real Lady Gaga.

Thanks, Mom. Thanks, Dad.

This is so wonderful.

I can't wait to tell all my friends.

Thank you, baby. You're welcome.

And guess what. I get to see the Filipino Journey!

They said, "Don't stop believing," and I didn't!

You can clap now.