Original subtitles

Honey, what do you want for dinner?

I'm eating whatever you put on my plate.

What are you back here watching?

I don't know.

There's a half-naked woman dancing on the TV in your office,

and you don't know? How could you not know? It's right there.

Because before you pointed out what was going on over there,

I was concentrating on what was going on over here.

Yeah, right.

So is this what you like now?

Baby, it's a video channel, okay? They play videos.

That's one of them.

Mmm-hm.

Those are nice shoes though.

Ah! I swear! Men can be so juvenile!

Oh, look, who starts bouncing and giggling every time you see LL Cool J?

Okay, cut it out, 'cause there is a difference.

Women look at men and imagine what would it be like for him to want her.

Men look at women and go get them.

Nick!

- Ah, get off of me! - Stop it!

- Kevin! Lindsey! - Oh, break it up!

I swear! The two of you have lost your minds. What is going on here?

He hit me!

What are you doing fighting a girl like that, man? What is wrong with you?

Nothing is wrong with me. She hit me first, so I hit her back.

♪ Are we there yet?

♪ Tell me, tell me, tell me

♪ Tell me, are we there yet?

♪ Are we there yet?

- So how did we get to the fighting? - She hit me.

The only reason why I hit him was because he took my phone

and locked it with a password, and he still won't tell me what the password is.

Why is it okay for her to hit me,

but when I hit her back, I get in trouble?

Because boys aren't supposed to hit girls.

Are you crazy? Just because boys aren't supposed to hit girls doesn't mean they won't.

Just because people aren't supposed to run red lights doesn't mean they won't.

Just because banks aren't supposed to give people money for homes they can't afford,

leaving them with loans they can't pay back with money they don't have

and end up crashing the economy doesn't mean that they won't.

Okay, the point is, Lindsey, we don't want you walking around here thinking

that it's ever okay for you to hit anybody for any reason,

because they just might hit you back.

But he was losing.

That's because he's 12.

Try that when he's 20, and the head's gonna be in the other lock.

What are you talking about?

Look, Kevin, give your sister the password, so she can fix her phone.

I don't know what it is. I just hit some random numbers.

Can we go to the mall so I can get them to reset it?

- I'll take you this weekend. - This weekend?

What am I supposed to do until then?

Lindsey, there are phones in this house, and you have email.

You act like you're trapped in a mine.

Those miners had cellphones.

Okay, this is crazy.

We have two kids who cannot get along.

I know how to fix this.

You two are gonna become the defiant ones.

The defiant what?

You're gonna learn to depend on each other for your survival.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means that anything you want to do, Lindsey is gonna have to do it with you

and vice versa, or else it won't get done.

What if I have to go to the bathroom?

Well, I expect your brother to be standing his post outside the door.

You guys can't get along the easy way, you're gonna have to learn to work together

the hard way.

So everything I do, he has to do with me?

Exactly.

From now on, you two are attached at the hip,

like rappers and gunshots,

politicians and apologies, Oprah and Gayle.

Okay, you better wipe that look off your face, young lady.

Otherwise, the two of you can go back in that room and beat the hell out of each other

and whoever comes out, that'll be our kid.

I'm sorry.

Don't apologize to me.

Apologize to your brother for hitting him.

I'm sorry.

Kevin, what do you have to say to your sister?

I'm sorry.

So, what now?

I don't know,

but you two are gonna sit right here and figure it out together.

I like this idea, honey. It's kind of like a little marriage.

It's exactly like a marriage.

Make two people stay in a room together and fight till they die.

Come on.

Kevin, hey.

Where's Lindsey?

I don't know. She was here when I fell asleep.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What's this?

I see a little boy sitting in the chair while your sister is in the bathroom.

So that means...

I think you should be sitting in front of that bathroom.

- I was asleep. - I don't care.

I told you, you guys have to do everything together.

You sleep, she sleeps. She gets up, you get up. She itches, you scratch.

Nick, that last one doesn't really make any sense.

Whose side are you on? He knows what I'm talking about, right? Son?

Can I have pancakes for breakfast?

Don't ask me, ask your sister.

Do we really have to do this?

Were you really in a headlock?

Well, if she doesn't want pancakes, can I have cereal?

You still don't understand how this works, do you?

I do! No, no, no, no.

Obviously, you don't, because if you did,

you'd be standing outside that bathroom door asking your sister these questions.

Bye-bye, now.

The President will focus on...

Hello. Is it safe?

Are you gonna do that every time you come back here?

I don't know. Are you gonna be watching strippers every time I come back here?

Hey, don't look at the strippers!

Obviously, this is important to you.

What I want to know is, why does it bother you so much?

You're so smart. Why don't you tell me?

Okay, I will.

It bothers you 'cause you're jealous.

Oh, please.

Okay, you know,

would you be so angry if I was watching a female event planner?

- No. - Exactly.

Because you feel really comfortable in your ability to plan,

but a sexy woman in five-inch heels dancing on a pole?

Oh, it bothers you because you can't do it.

You know, for somebody who wasn't watching, you sure remember a lot of the details.

Oh, don't try to flip this on me. Look, I love you. I think you're beautiful.

Now, if you want to think I think something else, that's on you.

Can you change it to B.E.T.? Video pole is on.

And I'm keeping your remote.

I don't care. I like cartoons.

So you think it's reasonable for a man to have a pole in his house?

I don't think it's unreasonable.

No decent woman would date a man who had a pole in his house.

See, that's your problem right there. You think men want to date decent women.

Oh, my god. You!

Don't judge. When I'm dancing on the pole,

I want them to enjoy me as much as I enjoy them. Plus, it's good exercise.

Serena Williams didn't get that body by pole dancing.

One, you don't know that.

Two, have you ever tried it?

- Of course not. - Then you don't know what you're talking about.

Well, I don't have to try stabbing myself in the hand to know it's a bad idea.

Hand stabbing and pole dancing are two different things.

Gigi, for me it's simple.

I don't want Nick to like watching women on a pole, so why should I do it?

He already likes it. So why don't you let him like the pole dancer in you?

Because there isn't one.

There's one in all of us.

Now, listen. Why don't you come to my pole dancing class with me tomorrow night?

I can still get you on the list.

- You take a class? - Oh, yes.

I have seen amateurs on the pole, and it always ends badly.

You know the best way not to bust your butt falling off a pole?

Don't get on it in the first place.

You are so predictable. You know what you need to do?

You need to step out of your box, turn it upside down,

and get on top of your box and pole dance.

Hey. Okay, I'm just trying to help you out.

What are you stupid?

I told her the truth.

Listen, man, you got to make a choice and be consistent, okay?

Either you tell a woman the truth all the time and never lie,

or you lie all the time and never tell her the truth.

It's mixing them up is what gets you in trouble.

All I was doing was working, and the TV just happened to be on that station.

Just 'cause you might be right doesn't make that the right thing to say.

What if the situation was reversed?

You mean, like, she was watching some man dance on a pole?

What if you came in and Suzanne was watching some Maxwell Video?

Well, I wouldn't have a problem with it.

I mean, shoot, I'd probably light a candle and ask her to turn it up.

Fine. What if you caught Suzanne staring at Mark Zuckerberg?

Oh, that nerdy little dude? Why would she be looking at him?

Because you know and I know that that nerdy little dude is a billionaire, and you are...

Um... not!

You've got a point. You happy?

Eh. Are you?

I don't know why you're being so difficult.

Difficult? You think I like not eating?

Then, please, I'm starving. Just pick something to eat, and we'll eat it.

But tomorrow, I get to pick.

Deal. I want a hot dog.

Hot dog it is.

Kevin, if you would just work with me, instead of against me,

we could both get what we want.

- How so? - Like, if you go to the mall with me today

to get my phone unlocked,

I'll do what you want later.

Okay, but you have to come with me to Troy's house

for our video game tournament tomorrow.

- Fine. - Just like that?

- Just like that. - But I have to warn you.

His room smells like sweat socks and salami.

Oh, kind of like yours.

Mmm, something smells good!

Dinner. Not that you deserve it.

I'm sorry, okay?

You are? For what?

I understand why me having that video on bothered you.

I get it.

Look, I love you.

And I don't want you to ever confuse what's playing in the video

with what I'm looking for.

Well, thank you. I really appreciate that.

And for the record, I can do everything you see in those videos.

Oh, really?

Yes, really. Just because I don't

doesn't mean I can't. I can go there if I want to.

Well, how come you haven't gone there before?

'Cause I will gladly trade every video chick I've ever seen for the real deal.

Well, maybe I haven't had a good enough reason to.

Oh, okay. You know, I see where this is going. Look, baby,

you make it hot like summer, and big daddy will make it rain like it's spring.

Oh, oh, look at them birds. They flyin'.

Okay, okay. Pick up your money, dollar bill.

Okay, that's not what I want.

Fine, name your price.

I'll dance for you if you buy me those shoes that girl was wearing in that video.

Deal. How much are they?

Let's just say, they're worth it.

Shall we set a date?

How about Friday?

Hmm, I am looking forward to it.

Mmm, and just out of curiosity, Mmm-hm?

Where were you going with that stack of ones?

I was gonna feed the kids in Africa. Just a dollar a day.

Helping 'em out.

Good morning.

- Hey, okay. - Yeah?

Please tell me you can still get me into that pole dancing class.

- What? - Nick challenged me to dance for him,

and in return, he is gonna get me a pair...

Of these.

- Those? - Those.

- These? - Yes!

Um, don't take this the wrong way, but can I dance with you?

Gigi, no.

- After you? - No!

- Before you? - No!

Damn! I mean, you haven't even danced yet, and he's already getting you those?

So can you get me in or not?

Well, I don't know. It wouldn't have been a problem yesterday,

but classes fill up on the day of.

- Oh, no. - Wait,

does this mean we're not getting those?

I mean, you know, well, why don't you just come down? I'll figure out something.

I just have one request.

Yes, you can wear the shoes.

Once... a month.

- That's it. - Okay!

Hey! Remember the defiant ones?

Doing that is what got us in this mess in the first place.

- Now change it back. - No.

My phone is still locked, and until that gets fixed, the deal is off.

Okay, whatever. I'm going to Troy's house, and I suggest you find your way over there,

because if Mom and Dad find out we're not together, we both go down.

Do me a favor and get kidnapped on the way.

If I do, you better get kidnapped too.

- Hey. - Hey.

Babe, I'm going out for a bit. I have a couple errands to run.

Okay, have you seen the kids?

- They're probably upstairs. - I'll check on them.

Hey, honey? Good job with that.

Thank you. I try.

Oh, and I sent you an email of the shoes I want.

When you see the price, don't have a heart attack.

Oh, well, if you can dance as good as you say you can,

the price of the shoes ain't gonna matter, girl.

Uh-huh. And what if I can't?

Well, we're taking them back and sending you to Payless.

Right around.

Mm-hmm. I got that.

- You got it, right? - Love it.

Excuse me.

- So? - It's cool.

- Hey, Brenda. - Hi.

So this is my boss and best friend, Suzanne,

and she's the one that wants to learn to pole dance.

- Well, nice to meet you, Suzanne. - Nice to meet you.

Do you have any experience pole dancing?

Uh, no. But I think I have a handle on it.

All right, well, let's see where you are

- and where we can take you. - Okay.

- Okay, okay, be careful. - I will.

So here's the pole.

- Okay. - Consider this your new dance partner.

He is all yours.

Okay.

Wow!

- Whoa! - What!

Wow!

Well, on that note, ladies, class is dismissed.

How the hell did you just do that?

I don't know.

I looked some stuff up on the internet today.

I didn't want to come in here and look stupid.

Well, you didn't look stupid.

Wow! Somebody wasn't showing all of their cards.

Were you trying to make me look bad?

No! I'm trying to win a bet.

I heard.

Brenda, I have a favor, it's a big one.

- Sure. - Can I borrow your studio?

I want to give my husband his treat in the proper environment,

and we don't have a pole at home. We have kids.

I hear that, I have kids too,

and we had to take ours down. We couldn't deal with all of the questions.

Oh, why didn't you just tell them you were a fireman?

Hey, Dad.

Hey, Kevin.

Where's Lindsey?

Lindsey? Where is Lindsey?

Well, uh, I stepped outside, and she was behind me,

so technically, we were together,

but then, you know, when I turned around to come back inside,

she... she wasn't...

- There you are! - Yes, here I am.

You were outside for, like, a whole minute or something.

- I know. - Are you ready to play the game?

Yeah, but I told you to meet me out front, not upstairs.

Oh, my bad.

But here we are.

Here we are. And the game is in there.

So we're gonna go...Play the game.

- Play... play the game. - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Together.

Hold up.

"Oh, there you are!

"Oh, my goodness! I was coming to see you."

"Hey, Dad, I was just outside,

"and we just stepped out, and, oh, come on,

"let's go play the game."

Look, I don't know when you think I was born,

but it wasn't yesterday.

You guys really think you could fool me that easily?

What do you mean?

You know you weren't together, and I know you weren't together,

were you?

- No. - But we wanted to be.

Why it took you guys this long to figure out how to work together,

I have no idea,

but you did, and I'm proud of you.

Really?

Fighting each other isn't gonna get you anything.

Look, you're brother and sister.

If we don't do anything else in this house, we show each other love. Understood?

Yes.

Now give each other a hug.

So does this mean I can do my own thing?

Punishment is officially over.

Thank you.

- Hey, Kev. - Yeah.

Look, the next time you find yourself sneaking back into the house,

Hm-hmm?why don't you try using the back door?

You know, I thought about that, but it just felt too obvious.

So, are you excited?

Oh, I am.

By the way, those shoes look great.

I guess this means you knew all along I was going to win.

Whether you won or lost, you still were gonna get the shoes.

You're so sweet.

And I figured if you're gonna dance for me, I might as well get the sexiest version.

Ooh, honey. And that you will.

Ooh!

Ooh. Ooh.

Ooh.

Ow! Nick!

- I guess I should have kept the receipt. - Ow! My ankle!

Kevin, any idea how much longer you're gonna be playing?

Oh, I can stop now if you have something you want to watch.

Oh, no, that's okay. I could just TiVo it in Mom's room

and then watch it when you're done.

- Are you sure? It's not a big deal. - It's fine.

Well, hey, I didn't get a chance to thank you for covering for me.

No problem. Call me when you're done.

- Lindsey. - Yeah?

- Do you have your phone on you? - Yeah.

You knew it all along?

I guess I did.

Mom, Lindsey hit me.

Hey!

Oh, not again.

What are you doing, baby? The doctor said you're supposed to stay off your feet.

Well, I have to get around.

- What's funny? - Oh.

I paid all that money for them shoes,

and then watching them fly across the room

just seconds after you put them on.

It reminded me of that George Bush press conference.

Nick, it's not funny.

Oh, look, maybe I can find a video of a girl giving a guy a lap dance.

Maybe then you can double down on some designer crutches.

You know what? Don't make an offer you can't keep,

because a pair of crutches will not stop me from getting low.

Oh, drop it like it's broke!