Original subtitles

Honey, remember, you have to make dinner tomorrow night,

because I have to go to Kevin's school for that meeting.

You do? Why?

Because your tests came back and they need to discuss your mental challenges.

I have to go to a fund-raiser meeting.

Why do you think I have to go?

- Fund-raiser meeting? - Mmm-hmm.

I can't stand these stupid meetings.

- And those women get on my nerves. - How come?

Because all they do is nitpick and gossip and criticize.

And every time I go to one of these things,

somehow I end up running another event.

And then all they do is sit around

and say no to everything I suggest.

And then, they wait till the last minute,

and look at me like I'm crazy.

Well, I'll tell you what. They're gonna have to find another fool.

I'll tell you what. Why don't I go with you?

You don't have to do that.

Well, yes, I do. I've seen you mad.

I'm not gonna let you run around that room

snatching off wigs and weaves, aah.

Screaming at the top of your voice, and running up on the roof,

talking about, "You'll never take me alive!"

And then the police have to surround the place with guns and megaphones.

And then they arrest you.

And then I end up a single father.

That's not why I got married.

Oh, honey. That's very nice.

What about the kids? Do you think we need a sitter?

No. By the time I was 15, my mother was leaving me alone

with food, keys, bus fare, and a couple of blank post-dated checks

just in case something came up.

All right, Lindsey. You can handle things around here.

But if you want to get paid, you're actually gonna have to watch your brother.

Why would you pay her to watch me

when you can cut a deal with me to watch myself for free?

Because we don't negotiate with terrorists.

♪ Are we there yet?

♪ Tell me, tell me, tell me

♪ Tell me, are we there yet?

♪ Are we there yet?

Okay, guys, we'll see you about 10:00 p.m.

- Nick! - What?

You're not supposed to tell them what time we're actually coming back.

You're supposed to tell them an hour later.

This way, when we come home early, we can catch them in the act.

- In the act of what? - Whatever they were doing

when they thought we weren't coming home for an hour.

- That's a good idea. - Uh-huh.

- Okay. - Okay.

Actually, guys, we'll see you about 11:00.

11:00? Got it.

- Uh, Kevin. - I know, I know.

Behave, clean up the dishes, do my homework,

and don't set Lindsey on fire.

- Bye. - Bye, guys.

Bye.

Okay, so here's the deal.

I'm going over to Kelly's, and I'll be back in about an hour.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What about my dinner?

Here's ten bucks.

Go to Up-And-Down Burger. It's just a few blocks.

Whoa, whoa, hey. Make it $20.

$10 for the burger and $10 for my sides.

How much to make you shut up forever?

Leave and never come back.

Never gonna happen, but nice try.

Okay, take your seats, people.

We're back, we're back. Okay, people.

As you know, we are here tonight

to discuss the Annual Baby Got Buck dinner.

My idea. Said they hated it.

It was a great idea, so thank you.

It was a huge success last year.

We were able to get books for the entire fourth grade class.

As you know, we are going to need a volunteer chair person.

What they need is a volunteer sucker. Ain't gonna be me.

Okay, I do understand. It takes a lot of time.

But when you see those kids coming in to school

knowing how much work their parents are doing for them,

it is always worth it.

Not to me.

Okay, so I see nobody wants to volunteer.

That's 'cause nobody is stupid.

I have a suggestion.

She got a suggestion.

Since last year's event was such a huge success...

Because of me.

...I nominate Suzanne Kingston-Persons.

What?

Suzanne, would you?

Of course, I would. Yay!

- You would? - Yay, yeah!

Man, I'll be glad when I can babysit myself.

Then I won't have to deal with my stupid sister.

Don't take it for granted.

Sometimes I wish I had a stupid sister

who hated me and left me to fend for myself.

You got it good, man.

Oh, man, nothing.

Yeah, that's usually what that sound means.

No, I mean I didn't win the prize.

These are big bonus cups.

When you finish your drink, the cup reveals a prize at the bottom.

Finish yours and see if you won.

Oh, okay.

Oh, oh, brain freeze. Brain freeze.

Ah, I hate those!

Dude, you won.

Dude, quit lying! Let me see that.

Five hundred dollars? Wait, wait, wait, $500?

Five hundred... Dive hundred do... Five... What?

Hit it!

♪ Five hundred dollars! Five hundred dollars!

♪ Go, Kevin, get paid Go, Kevin! ♪

Kevin, you know you're not supposed to have people over.

Oh, well, I would like to thank you for leaving me home alone,

because now I have $500! Hoo!

What? How?

Look.

I can't believe this.

I know. I can't wait to tell Mom and Dad!

No, you can't.

- Why not? - Allow me.

You can't tell your parents, because you weren't supposed to be out of the house.

If you show them the cup, they'll know you went out.

That's okay. I won't tell them.

I'll just go get my money.

Yeah!

Nope, you can't do that either.

Why?

It says right here

in order to claim the prize you have to be at least 18 or older.

So how are we supposed to cash the cup in?

- Do you trust me? - No.

Let me rephrase that. Do you want your money?

Yeah.

Then you're gonna have to trust me.

Ha ha!

You didn't think we'd be back so early, did you?

Actually, we did.

Mom always comes an hour early from meetings.

Then how come you guys are sitting on the couch

watching TV, eating popcorn?

Because we wanted popcorn?

Hey, man, watch your tone.

Now go to bed.

And next time, don't y'all be trying to outsmart people.

You're right. I don't know what we were thinking.

Can't believe I'm in charge of this committee again.

Baby, all you had to say was "No."

How do I look standing there saying no

in a room full of people who are clapping for me, including my husband?

You look like someone who doesn't want to do it.

Fine, make fun of me.

Baby, let me help you with this.

What are you gonna do?

Go back in your time machine and not clap when they pick me?

No, I was thinking I could do it.

You're kidding, right?

Those women are a nightmare.

They will suck you in, set you up, and spit you out.

It can't be no worse than what your kids try to do to me.

I played football. I ran a business.

I ain't scared of no moms and a fund-raiser. Shoot.

Okay, homey.

But don't come crying back to me when you get played like a boy band.

Yeah!

I didn't do it like that. I didn't do it like that.

You gotta have the swagger.

- So what happened with Suzanne? - Is she okay?

Oh, she's fine. She just didn't realize

how swamped she was with work before you asked her to chair the event again.

Oh. Well, if you are anything at all like her,

I imagine we are in excellent hands.

Okay, you guys ready to get to work?

I just want to say, what you're doing is fantastic.

It's nice to see a dad step up for a change.

And it's good to break up some of the female energy.

Kind of like a security guard at a shoe sale.

Tell me, Nick.

How did Suzanne convince you to come down here in her place?

Well, she didn't. I volunteered.

Oh.

That's amazing.

I can barely get my husband to read a report card.

Send it to ESPN. Have them put it on the ticker.

My husband doesn't even know where the children go to school.

Let me tell you something, honey.

Take the TV remote, put it in their backpacks. He'll find 'em.

Can we not talk about husbands?

The only reason I don't kill mine

is because I am too lazy to row his dead body out to sea and dump it.

Is that why Suzanne keeps trying to get me to go on that cruise?

I finally figured that out.

You know what? I just have to be honest with you guys.

Suzanne said you would be rough on me, but, you know, you're all right.

Now why would she say something like that?

We love her.

If anything, she's kind of tough on us.

I know what you mean. Suzanne does not play.

You know what?

- We do. - Ooh, Carol.

- Drinks, anyone? - Carol, what are you doing?

Oh, my goodness. PTA stands for "Pass The Alcohol."

So let me see if I've got this right.

You're gonna take the cup and give it to your friend Eric.

Eric, right.

And he's gonna take it to the place and cash it in.

Right, then he takes 20 bucks, and gives the rest to us.

You mean "me. "No, "us."

You need me to cash it in, so it's "us."

But it's my cup.

I bought it when you left me in the house by myself.

Which I'm prepared to tell Mom and Dad

if you don't share your money with me.

So you would tell Mom and Dad that you left me alone

just so I don't get the money,

even though you know you'd get in trouble?

Yeah, they'll forgive me.

You just took evil to a whole new level.

Hey. I thought you had a school thing this afternoon.

I sent Nick in my place.

Why would you send Nick down there? You hate those women.

Correction, they hate me. And I was ambushed.

We have another fund-raiser, and they nominated me to be chairperson.

Fund-raising is easy.

You put on a nice dress, find a man of means,

and tell him what he has to pay for.

That may work with a trip to Vegas,

but you can't use that on your kids.

Okay. So Nick is there.

Mm-hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm what?

I just, you know, okay.

I don't want to overstep my boundaries,

but I have a question for you.

- What? - Are you crazy?

These women hate you,

which means they can't be trusted around your husband.

I'm not worried about Nick.

Well, you should be, because you and I both know men are stupid.

Nick is not stupid.

I love you. Yes, he is.

Gigi!

I'm sorry, but you throw a man in a room with a bunch of women,

he can't help but try to be liked,

even by women who hate you. And they know that.

You're overreacting. And trust me, I can handle my man.

And the good news is,

after a hard day's work here, I don't have to see them.

Hey, everybody!

Hey, baby!

- Hi, Suzanne. - Hi!

Hi.

Wow! Nick, you didn't tell me all the ladies were coming by.

Well, it just kind of happened.

You know, we ran over our time at the school,

but we were on such a roll,

I said, "Let's just go to their house."

And you have a lovely home.

And Nick is so great. He said it would be no problem.

He did?

Your husband is quite the idea man, Suzanne.

- We love having him on the committee. - Adore.

Is that so?

We are already moving so much faster than last year.

- Oh, it's amazing. - Your husband is such a doll.

He is, isn't he?

Nick, can I show you something I brought home from work?

Oh, can it wait? We're almost done here.

Not really. It kind of has something to do with your health.

Okay, well, keep it moving. Bend it, don't break it.

I'll be right back.

Nick, you know I can't stand those women.

Why would you have them here?

We got caught up.

I mean, everyone has something going on at their houses.

They were lying. They're just trying to get in our business.

I can't believe you fell for that.

Fell for what? You're being paranoid.

Those ladies are out there trying to figure out a way to make money for the kids.

You said they were gossips,

but they haven't said anything but nice things about you.

They love my ideas,

and you know, this might be shocking,

but I think they're quite nice.

The only reason they're being nice to you

is so that they can get at me.

Is it possible that they could just like me?

No! Because they know that I don't like them.

And they know that if they're nice to you,

you're gonna come back and tell me how nice they are.

And it's gonna get under my skin like it is right now.

You guys almost finished?

Oh, yes, Melissa. Nick will be right back out. Thanks so much.

I was just telling the ladies it's so nice that Nick is such a great husband,

especially since you work, and can't be with your kids like you want to.

It is. I'm blessed.

And by the way, your kitchen is so charming.

- You see what I mean? - No!

Look, baby, if I thought for one minute

that those ladies had anything against you,

believe me, they would be out of here faster than you could say, "Backstab."

Backstab!

Oh, look. You know what?

You don't like them. I understand it.

But I just cannot go out there, and kick them out of here.

You could. You won't, but you could.

You know what, sweetheart?

If it means that much to you,

I'm just gonna go out there, and I'm gonna end the meeting.

Thank you.

All right, here's the cup.

There's been a change in the agreement.

- I want $100. - A hundred?

Either that, or find somebody else.

Forty.

Seventy-five.

Fifty. And if you don't do it, we'll get a homeless guy.

Fine.

- We'll meet you tomorrow night. - Okay, that it?

- One more thing? - What?

- Keep your mouth shut. - Get your finger off me.

I'm sorry.

What is wrong with you, man? Get in the house.

Baby, I'm sorry that those ladies don't like you.

But I can't help it if they like me.

For the last time, they don't like you.

They're doing it to annoy me.

Prove it.

Okay, you want me to prove it, I'll prove it.

What is this idea you have that the ladies think is so wonderful?

Well, I suggested the fund-raiser be '80s funk theme. Huh?

And what does that mean, exactly?

You know, shoulder pads, space suits, codpieces.

Ow!

And where are you supposed to get these codpieces, at a cameo yard sale?

- I don't know. A costume store? - In the spring?

Who do you know that carries costumes in the spring

or are you just gonna make your space suits out of aluminum foil?

No.

Nick, these ladies couldn't plan a bottle opening.

They don't know a good idea from a bad idea when they hear one.

Well, my next idea was a Mardi Gras party.

- Mardi Gras? - Mmm-hmm.

Okay, when's the party?

April.

A Mardi Gras party in April?

Sure. Why not?

Because Mardi Gras is in February.

It's a Mardi Gras party. Not Mardi Gras.

- Okay, what day in April? - April 15th.

Tax Day?

You're seriously going to plan a fund-raiser

on the day people have to file their taxes?

Well, not anymore.

So you guys don't think it's weird celebrating Mardi Gras in April?

Oh, no, not at all, Nick. It's a theme party.

I have Easter themed parties in September all the time.

But we're scheduling it for Tax Day.

All the better. People will want to celebrate.

It can be a Mardi-Tax Day party.

Ladies, no. These are all bad ideas.

Oh, Nick, Nick, it doesn't really matter.

We'll make it work. We'll figure it out.

- We're just glad you're here. - Right.

Things are so much better than last year.

You mean when Suzanne was here?

Well...I hear you. It's okay.

Uh, so you do agree that these ideas are bad?

- A little. - A lot.

Okay. Here's another idea.

You're probably gonna hate it, but I think it's gonna work.

We're all ears.

Can you hear me now?

Suzanne, terrific.

Carol, just zip it.

You're trying to play me like the quick pick.

You put on a bigger show than Lady Gaga at the Grammys.

I don't know what you're talking about.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

That's because you're so fake,

you don't know you have a real problem on your hands.

Suzanne...

Oh, you want some? Here you go.

Melissa, your kids are stupid.

That's crossing the line.

No, no, that's telling the truth.

Crossing the line, is asking your husband

why he's always down at the Math class

talking to the 22-year-old teacher's aide.

That's right. Tap out.

That was uncalled for.

Oh, you got something you want to say, Theresa?

I think we should go.

Oh, give that woman a hand,

because that is the first good idea that she has had in her whole life.

Kick rocks.

Bye-bye.

See, I don't need y'all to plan nothing.

Don't, don't, 'cause I got Vaseline in my purse, Carol.

You better turn that around.

I'll snap your fingers right off.

Okay, here's your cut. $440.

Say what?

Did he just say... Yeah, I think he did. Yeah.

Okay, we agreed on $450. That's ten bucks short.

Transaction fee.

You're not even a bank.

Dude, everybody charges transaction fees.

It's like taxes. You can't get around them.

Just take the money, Kevin.

Fine.

I can't believe it.

I'm rich! Hit it!

♪ Go Kevin, got the money Go Kevin ♪

- Just roll around in it naked. - I know!

Let me get my cut first.

Baby.

Baby, that was exactly what I was trying to avoid by me taking over for you.

The only thing missing

was you on the roof, with a wig and a weave, screaming at the police.

"Ah! You'll never take me alive!

"I'm still alive!"

Okay? I'm trying to tell you.

Look, the joke is still on you though.

Oh, really? And how is that?

Well, you are chairman of yet another committee.

Darn it!

Well, I'm not doing it again next year. You can count on that.

Until they call your name. You can count on that.

"Stop it."

Stop.

Hey, you realize something?

No, what?

It's quiet.

Too quiet.

Just remember, no buying any big-ticket items.

No cars, no houses, no nothing.

Don't spend it on dames, booze.

Stay away from the ponies.

The ponies?

Got to lay low for a while.

Start doing stuff like that, they're likely to tip off the Feds.

What year do you think this is?

Eric, dude, you better get out of here.

No worries. It's only 9:00.

And Mom and Dad said they won't be home until 11:00,

which means we have about another hour...

Ah-ha!

You'll never take me alive, coppers!

Freeze!

It worked.