Original subtitles

Calm down. You'll figure it out.

Well, what if I don't?

This is a big opportunity for me.

I am producing a photo shoot.

So, you're telling me that none of these kids will work.

No, he wants a fresh face to move his product,

and these kids are too recognizable. I just...

Oh-ho-ho! I love this kid.

This is the one in that chocolate commercial.

The one who slaps the lady.

And grabs the chocolate and says...

"You eat that, you eat this next."

He's so cute!

- Hey, Mom. Hey, Gigi. - Hi, sweetie.

Smile.

Tilt your head.

The other way.

Okay, you're not thinking what I think you're thinking.

That's what I'm thinking.

Okay, it's not gonna work.

Kevin, go upstairs and take a shower.

You smell like hot dog water.

Give me one good reason why not.

Because Kevin is not child model material.

He's not gonna change into all those outfits.

He hates changing his own clothes as it is.

I can be very persuasive.

Maybe to a grown man, but not to a 12-year-old.

You ain't got nothing he wants,

unless there's a PS3 in your purse.

- Hey, Gigi. - Hey.

- Baby. - Hmm?

- I gotta talk to you about something. - Okay, what's that?

So, remember how I was telling you about this guy at work, Devon?

- Oh, the sales guy. - Well, we got to talking,

and it turns out he sells all the ads that run on the station,

and he wanted to talk to me, because he thought I should know

that all the sponsors really like what I'm doing on-air.

Oh, that's good.

Yeah, that's good, right? And then he was like,

"We probably should get together sometime."

And then I was thinking, he talks to all the people

that need to know that people like me. And then I was like, "Cool."

Nick, is this story going somewhere?

Look, I invited Devon and his wife over for dinner.

Oh, okay, great,

but we probably should have gone out for drinks first,

get to know them before we have them in our house.

Oh, you're right. I'm sorry.

- That's okay. So, when is the dinner? - Tonight.

- What? - At 7:00.

Nick!

♪ Are we there yet?

♪ Tell me, tell me, tell me

♪ Tell me, are we there yet?

♪ Are we there yet?

Whoo!

Good. So, like I said, Kevin,

all you have to do is change your clothes and smile.

Yeah, while some weird dude takes pictures of me.

Kevin, honey, you got to think about

what this could do for you, right?

I mean, your face will be in every single frame this company sells.

I mean, boy, you will be famous.

Yeah, until I'm grown and broke,

because my accountant stole all my money,

and then I'll have to work as a security guard at the mall

and marry some woman who doesn't really love me

and pushes me down a flight of stairs,

and then waits 30 minutes to call the paramedics.

Ring a bell?

We don't know if that's true. Okay.

How much?

Two hundred.

- One fifty. - Two hundred.

- One seventy-five. - Two-oh-five.

Okay, you obviously don't know how this works.

Or do I?

Fine. Deal.

- Suzanne. - Hmm?

This chicken is off the hook!

No, seriously.

Here's the chicken, and here's the hook.

It's off. You know?

This chicken is so good, that if I were lost on a deserted island

and a rescue boat with Destiny's Child, the Kardashians,

Charlie's Angels, and the Pussycat Dolls pulled up

and they said they had a spot for me but not this chicken,

I would let that boat keep on going,

and I would stay on that island with this chicken.

Now, if you want an amazing roasted chicken, you have to try Harrison's.

You might find it a little too pricey, but it is to die for.

I guess we'll have to try Harrison's, honey.

I guess so. It's to die for.

So, Suzanne, you must be impressed.

Devon's been talking to some very important people about your husband.

And no matter what I say, they refuse to fire him.

Just kidding.

Your husband is gonna be the man over there one day.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You know, one day,

I will be the man, but right now, you are the man.

That's a compliment coming from you, the man.

Okay, I accept. I am the man.

No, you're not. I'm the man.

Just kidding.

Katie, remember, if Rico asks you, I don't like him,

unless you find out from Bo that Corey doesn't like me first.

Then if Rico says he likes me,

yeah, you can then say that I might or might not like him.

Okay, see you at school tomorrow. Bye.

Lindsey, come here. I want you to meet some friends.

This is Devon and Mara Sawyer.

- Hi, I'm Lindsey. Nice to meet you. - Hello.

Cool. Mom, I'm just gonna do some homework upstairs.

- Okay. - It's nice meeting you guys.

- All right, bye, baby. - Bye.

Nick, Suzanne, what a lovely young lady. So well-mannered,

seems like she has a good head on her shoulders.

Thank you. That means a lot.

You know, Lindsey's a very popular name for boys in Scotland.

It's also quite popular for girls in rehab.

Really? So, when's the last time you were there?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I will not have you insult my wife

and ask her when she was last in rehab.

It was Tuesday.

Oh, man, you are nuts. You are nuts.

So, where are the kids in school?

Uh, Lindsey goes to Meredith Frasier High,

and our son, Kevin, is at Curt Flannel Middle.

Oh, no, no, no, no. Devon, you just have to get them into Wakely.

- Wakely? - Wakely Prep, seven through 12.

You know, the station owner, Mr. Waters, his kids go there,

and so do both of the evening anchors'.

Isn't it hard to get in?

Not for a family like you.

I'll put a good word in with the board.

Suzanne, all I can tell you is...

Ah, I know, it's to die for.

Like these greens.

If I was trapped on a desert island with these greens

and a rescue boat with the Girls Gone Wild, the Laker girls,

and the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo came up

and they said, "We have room for you, but not the greens," I...

I already know.

I know you would stay on the island with the greens.

What the hell are you talking about? No, I'd get on the boat.

What are the odds of a third boat coming by? These greens are good,

but I'm not stupid.

So, you didn't hear any of that?

Hear any of what?

The woman spent the whole night trying to one-up me.

"You just have to get your hair done at Royale's.

"You just have to get your coffee from Louise's.

"When you die, you just have to be buried at Justin's cemetery.

"It's to die for."

I get it. You don't like her.

But I am still looking into this school.

This could be a real good opportunity for the kids.

Nick, the kids aren't switching schools.

They're doing fine where they are.

Are you saying that because you don't like the school

or because you don't like the people?

What's the difference? Those are the people at the school.

I'm sure there was somebody you hated at the Beyonce concert,

but we still went to that.

Nick, the woman didn't say anything about the school.

All she talked about was who went there.

Okay, fine. You don't want do it, I won't push you.

It's just your children's education.

Fine. We will look into it.

But I don't like you right now.

And yet, you're still here.

How many more of these things do I have to wear?

These things are called outfits, and you have 11 more to go.

- Hey. - Hi.

Hey.

How's it going on the child model front?

How's it look like it's going? I mean, look at me.

I look like Chris Brown, the early years.

Let's go.

All right. Baby, this school looks pretty good, right?

Okay, I will admit it. I was very skeptical at first,

but it is a really nice school,

and they get 100% of their graduates into college.

- Mmm-hmm. - In my school,

they couldn't get 100% of the class to graduate.

Some of those fools are still there.

Well, it looks like our chances of getting into this school

are actually pretty good.

- What makes you say that? - Baby, Devon's on the board.

Why wouldn't he mention that in the first place?

Maybe he was waiting for us to make the first move.

Hmm.

Look, all we need to do is fill this out, get the kids' transcripts,

recommendations, physicals, pictures, and get it into Devon.

Anything else I'm forgetting?

How about telling the kids?

Nah...

What's wrong with the school I'm in?

Nothing. It's just that we have to think about your future.

I think about my future. I was gonna finish high school, college,

get married, have some kids,

but now I'm gonna end up a part-time stripper, pregnant, on drugs,

with a tattoo on my back and a piercing in my lip,

all because I rebelled against you, when you made me change schools.

Give it a chance. You haven't even been there.

I think it's awesome. Every class has smart boards.

Every kid gets their own laptop.

Plus, they have to wear a uniform. You know what that means?

That means I can literally wear the same thing to school every day.

You still have to wash it.

Yeah, maybe eventually.

All the girls there are snobby, and all the guys there are corny.

You're not going there for the boys.

You're going there for the grades.

Do you have any idea how girls work?

Honey, everything you're saying is true,

but next year, you're gonna be a junior,

and that's the one that counts the most

when it comes to college admissions.

Oh, my God. Their PE class is skiing.

They even have a class where you don't have to go to class.

It's not like I have a choice.

They have fencing? This school is awesome.

Do you think I can get my own sword?

Mr. and Mrs. Kingston-Persons,

thank you so much for joining myself

and the rest of the board this afternoon.

As the head of the board, I'll be conducting the interview.

If anyone has anything to add, please chime in.

I'd like to chime in.

I would just like to say that this school is so nice,

that if my kids were stranded alone on a desert island

and all they had was an Xbox,

another Xbox, a flat-screen TV, a box of cell phones,

Drake, and no curfew, and this school showed up

on a ship to pick them up, they would go with this school.

They would go to this school, because it's nice.

What are y'all writing?

Suzanne, let's start with you.

Uh, first of all, I'd just like to say, before we get started,

he was just kidding.

Now, it says here you read our school newspaper.

How did that come about?

Well, before we get to that,

it says here that you have an annual school trip.

Do you guys go to Yellowstone by any chance? And, if so,

because there's a very real chance that we might encounter a bear,

can I bring my sword?

So, why do you want to come to Wakely?

- Can I be honest? - Please do.

I don't. My parents are forcing me to come here.

No offense. I already have friends at my school,

and there's this guy that I really like.

His name is Corey, and I wouldn't see him, because I would be across town.

And I already had to move once when my mom and dad broke up,

but I don't want to have to start all over again.

And I don't know about this uniform thing.

I just bought three new pairs of jeans, and they are really cute.

So, when I say a word, tell me the first word that pops into your mind.

Got it.

- President. - Obeezy.

- What? - Obeezy.

You know, like, Kanye West is Yeezy,

and Lil Wayne is Weezy,

I always thought that if Barack Obama was a hip-hop artist,

people would call him Bareezy Obeezy.

- Right. - Left.

- Please tell me you're lying. - I wish I could.

So, she's supposed to be your friend,

but she calls you on a three-way

with a guy that you like on the phone?

- Lame, right? - Totally.

I know.

Yeah, but there's gonna be girls like that everywhere you go,

so why not come to Wakely?

I don't know. I'm still not sure about this whole uniform thing.

We have free-dress Fridays.

Hmm.

Mrs. Kingston-Persons, what would you say your mission is

in regards to coming to Wakely?

My mission would be to give my children a great education.

I hear the ones here are to die for.

Mmm-hmm.

Mr. Kingston-Persons, what's more important to you,

the academic aspect of school, or the social aspect?

Both.

There's nothing worse than a brilliant guy with no friends.

Can you say "evil genius"?

- Can you say Facebook? - What?

The inventor of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg,

the world's youngest billionaire,

was a brilliant college student with no friends.

So was Osama bin Laden.

Osama bin Laden, yeah, that's funny.

So, you're equating Wakely with terrorism.

No, no, I'm just saying it can go either way.

I mean, like, Stephen and Alec Baldwin.

You know, same background, two different dudes.

You know, the Baldwins went to Wakely.

- Really? - No.

Oh. Hey, Gigi.

Hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey, where have you been?

Gigi, he had his school interview today, remember?

You know what? His future might be important to you,

but his present, it's important to me.

Let's go. We have a photo shoot.

How can you be a stage mom? You're not even a mother.

- Yes, she is. - Hey.

- Nick, stop it. - Let's go.

Mom, how are you just gonna let...Boy, I'm paying you.

Upstairs. Ring a bell?

- Baby, it's here! - What?

- The letter from Wakely. - Oh.

Oh, yeah, here we go.

"Congratulations. We have carefully considered your applications for admission

"to Wakely Prep, and are proud to inform you

"that you will be placed on our waiting list

"for possible admission next semester."

Next semester?

"Thank you for your interest in Wakely Prep."

Maybe it's a mix-up.

Are you kidding me? Seriously?

Nick, they don't want us, which is fine by me,

because I didn't wanna do this in the first place.

Look, you know what? They didn't get rejected. I mean, they're on a wait list.

Wait for what, till they graduate from another school?

Now, you can keep drinking the Kool-Aid if you want to,

but I will not keep putting my kids through this.

You watch. It'll be real good.

You gonna help me with the bags?

Sure. I'll put it on my wait list.

Kevin, let's go. We have a photo shoot in 30 minutes.

Not so fast. I've been doing a little research,

and I think there's a couple things we need to discuss.

Okay, well, we can discuss that in the car. Let's go.

Did you know that the entire amount of money you paid me

is less than what most male models make in an hour?

They're grown. You're not union.

Union scale is still about fives times what I'm being paid.

You agreed to the price.

- You took advantage of me. - No, I didn't.

I didn't know anything about those rules.

You do, now.

So, what are you saying?

All I'm saying is, since we're only halfway through the project,

and you need the other half done before you can deliver to your clients,

I have what is called a bargaining chip.

And what exactly do you intend to use this bargaining chip for?

For two new video games, in addition to the cash.

- How much are they? - More than $50, less than a lawsuit.

You cannot sue me.

Not me, your clients.

Fine. Deal, Kevin.

And does your mother know how evil you are?

No, and if you know what's best for you, you'll keep it that way.

We are so happy to have you with us. We are beside ourselves.

Here we are, and here we are, beside ourselves.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

- Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. - Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Domo. Domo.

Devon, can I talk to you for a moment?

I'll be with you in just a moment, Mr. Kingston-Persons.

Thank you so much. Baby?

Do you guys like Chinese? Because I know a place that is to die for.

Thank you.

NKP, what it do? What it do?

Now it's NKP? Last time, it was DOA.

D... Ah!

LOL, OMG.

Oh, come on. I hope this little dog and pony show didn't get to you.

- You know how it is. - No, I don't.

Why don't you tell me how it is, D-E-V-O-N?

Look, man, I want you in here as much as anybody,

but this board is tough, so I had to play the bad cop

so they didn't think I was trying to get somebody in here who didn't belong.

Yeah? Well, it worked.

Congratulations. You in.

We didn't get in. We're on the wait list.

Oh.

I may have laid it on a little too thick.

You ever done that, just lean into it a little too hard?

No.

Okay, you know what? I'll talk to a few people.

You're the head of the board. Who are you gonna talk to? You?

- Nick, I know you're upset. - Yeah, I'm upset.

Man, you got me down here.

Look, my kids are fine where they are.

They don't need Wakely, and obviously, Wakely doesn't need them.

Nick, I'm gonna tell you something.

You might like it. You might not.

- Really? - If there was a problem,

it wasn't with the children.

I talked to the counselors. They loved them.

Then who was the problem with?

Me? There's something wrong with me?

Nick Diesel, let me be honest. You have a bad attitude.

I have a bad attitude because you and your wife brought me and Suzanne

in front of the board and acted like you weren't in our house eating

collard greens and chicken a week earlier.

Look, if you had introduced us to the board like you wanted us in,

- we'd be in. - Nick, wait, wait.

Please, reconsider. Look, I admit it. I overdid it.

I'll talk to the board.

You got a lot of faces, man.

Pick one, and stick with it.

You're kidding, right?

Oh, you're kidding. Nick.

NKP. Ni...

Okay, walk out, and he's gonna come back in.

Okay.

How'd the smackdown go?

That fool tapped out.

- You want a sandwich? - Yeah, I'll take one.

Well, you just have to have the turkey, lettuce

and tomatoes with the spicy mustard. It's to die for.

You know, I thought Devon was cool.

Honey, he's a salesman. He just sold you.

Man, you make it sound so dirty.

Nick, don't feel bad.

You have this tendency to see the best in people.

It's what you do. I feel like you saw the best in me,

even when I didn't see it in myself.

So, occasionally, if you have to be hoodwinked, bamboozled, run amok,

played, suckered, punked, hustled...

- Are you through? - No, I got a couple more.

Carried, dissed, mugged, had, or just plain turned out...

Turned out? It's a school application, not a prison assault.

Well, next time, if you just listen to me in the first place,

you wouldn't be in this position.

- I hate it when you're right. - Hmm.

And I don't like you right now.

Hmm. And yet, you're still here.

I don't wanna talk about it.

Oh, Kevin, the pictures came out cute.

I don't want to talk about it, Gigi.

What's wrong?

Nothing. Kevin made me look great in front of the client,

but now he doesn't want anyone to see the pictures.

Hey, man, come on, Kev, show us the pictures.

People are gonna see them, anyway, when the frames come out.

Fine, but no video game is worth this.

Here we go.

Aw, baby!

- Look at your head. - He's so cute.

Look at that head.

Come on. You be nice.