Original subtitles

- Hey, guys. Hi. - Hey, Dad.

- Hey, baby. - Hi.

I think you forgot something.

- To kiss you good morning. - Oh, that's good.

Mmm.

Okay, then. I think you forgot two things.

You left your ring upstairs on the sink.

Oh, sweetie, I knew where I left it.

Well, why do you keep taking it off?

You sneaking around with your little boyfriend again?

Well, as much as it pains me to say this,

Idris Elba and I are no longer together.

I told him I love you,

and that he had to find someone else.

You know, that reminds me,

I forgot to call Kerry Washington,

and tell her the same thing.

- Whatever. - Look. No, no, seriously.

I don't want you to lose it.

Look, I paid good money

to sacrifice my freedom, girl, all right?

Just keep it on your finger.

Well, I just don't wanna get it messed up

when I'm doing housework.

Well, I guess I'll just have to keep putting it back on you...

Mmm...with a kiss.

- Mmm. - Mmm.

Oh, that's sweet!

I'm gonna make you late for work.

You got that kind of time?

You sure?

I'm positive.

Um, honey, we may have to call a plumber,

'cause the sink is stopped up again.

Okay.

- Hi, Marilyn. - Suzanne.

Nick, your mom is here!

I didn't know you were coming by.

Hey, Ma. I didn't know you were coming by.

Oh, look, I am fine

with all the love and happiness,

but if y'all gonna start talking and dressing alike,

please just tell me you don't want me around.

I mean, cute is one thing,

but this is just damn ridiculous.

Wow.

- Well, we didn't do it on purpose. - No.

So now you're being obnoxious on accident?

Ma, quit it.

Look, what's going on?

Well, shocking as this may seem,

I actually came to see you.

- Oh, okay. - In that case, I'm out.

Have a good day, babe.

So, what's on your mind?

Money.

Gold is at an all time high of $1,300 an ounce.

I'm hosting a gold-selling party,

and if you don't mind, I'd like to have it here.

Well, what's wrong with your place?

I don't want people trampling all over my living room,

and touching my stuff!

Well, what makes you think I do?

Duh, you got kids.

Oh, look, it's not a favor I'm asking.

The host of the party gets ten% of the sales.

Ooh! That could be good.

But get this straight,

the host of the party is me.

I'll give you two%.

50/50, and you got yourself a gold party.

70/30.60/40.

65/25.

That don't even add up.

Well, you started it.

All right, you throw in an overnight stay with the kids,

and you got yourself a deal.

Well, if you're gonna be nasty about it...

60/40. Here.

♪ Are we there yet?

♪ Tell me, tell me, tell me

♪ Tell me, are we there yet?

♪ Are we there yet?

What are you looking for, Mom?

Can you guys look for my ring?

I know I left it in here somewhere.

But I gotta go. I'm running late.

Do we get a reward?

Yes, if you find my ring,

you each get $20 on one condition.

What's that?

Don't tell your father.

That's not a reward, that's a bribe.

It's not a bribe. It's an incentive.

So if we don't find the ring but we still don't tell Dad,

do we still get the money?

That's blackmail.

It's not blackmail. It's an incentive.

Who's he supposed to be?

Oh, that's Manny.

He works security for all my parties.

Mmm. Hold this.

Listen here, Manny.

Take a real good look at this face.

Remember it.

'Cause if anything jump off in here

where you have to take that gun out of that holster

and aim it at somebody,

just make sure it's not at me.

I'm gonna keep these,

'cause I want you to see who you shooting at.

Not a problem.

Whoa, where you come from, man?

Yeah, and you call yourself a security guard.

Boy, don't you know when you working security,

you got to not only have eyes in the back of your head,

but eyes in the back of your eyes?

You gotta be up there anticipating danger,

because seconds before everything went wrong...

Everything was all right.

Terrence?

Manny?

Man, what you doing here?

I thought you was working Special Ops.

Got laid off, man.

This recession's hitting everybody.

One day, you're terminating targets

with extreme prejudice, and the next...

You're working security at a gold party.

Times have changed, Manny.

I never thought I'd see you lose your edge.

Oh, I didn't.

I put a grenade in that pocket.

You might wanna stick this pin back in.

Man!

Boy, you ain't changed.

- Good to see you. - You may wanna do that...

Oh, yeah, let me get that.

- Drumroll, please. - Okay, vamos a ver.

Come on, give it to me, Carmen.

Eh, 16 ounces.

Sixteen ounces!

Eight months of dating crazy men,

and all I have to show for it is a pound of gold?

Why don't you toss that dress in?

That might be worth a couple dollars.

Very funny.

Oh, look at this!

I love this one.

I got this from this guy in Chicago.

He remembered my birthday, but forgot he was married,

and I don't do that.

But it's very nice.

- Ooh, how much is it? - A lot.

Ooh, girl! Thank you, Carmen.

- Tell me later. - Okay.

Excuse me. Can I talk to you for a minute?

How can I help you?

Let's say, hypothetically speaking,

that I was to come across tons of gold bullion

from a foreign dictator that you and I might know.

Excuse me?

Girl, how much is this?

- A lot. - Yeah, yeah.

I thought it would be.

See, we need to do business.

And just to be clear,

anything over $10,000,

I have to report to the government.

Oh.

- Never mind. - What?

What's that?

What happened to the gold bar?

What gold bar?

That look like a piece of chocolate to me.

Honey, we got to go, but can you remember,

after she's done, to collect for me and Gigi?

- Please. - Sure, but I'm getting a cut.

I've been here all day.

I'm walking around, watching these people get paid.

Time is money.

Okay, well,

whatever I get for this is yours.

What is this?

My first ring.

I have a much better one now, thank you very much.

No wonder I got you.

Was everything Frank gave you this small?

Where's your ring, anyway? I see you don't have it on.

Uh, it's in my purse.

I was washing my hands,

and I didn't want it to get soapy.

Okay, gotta go. Love you. Bye.

Soapy ring?

You don't want a soapy ring?

Bye, baby.

Mm-hmm.

So, Carmen,

how does this gold test work, anyway?

See this magnet?

It doesn't stick to real gold.

Like this ring.

See? It's real.

All that is fake.

So, since this is real gold, it won't stick.

Correct. Are you selling it?

No, no, it's my wife's ring.

She keeps leaving it around the house

and I'm holding onto it to teach her a lesson.

Okay, vamos a ver.

Maybe she keep leaving it around the house

because it make her finger itchy.

Are you sure Suzanne's ring is a fake?

The gold is fake. Stone, too.

Nice, but fake.

Fake?

Come on, Danny-Dan. Meet me in the kitchen.

What's going on here, man?

The ring you bought my sister was a fake?

You think she's gonna divorce you when you tell her?

No, 'cause I'm not gonna tell her.

Can I?

Look, all I know is one thing,

she better get either a new ring,

or she gonna get a new husband.

I'd go with B.

I can't believe she's been walking around

this whole time with a fake ring.

Oh, boy, you wouldn't even be in this mess

if you'd gone to the jewelry store

I told you about in the first place.

I did.

That ring was too expensive.

Exp... Look, you too cheap.

Ain't nothing too expensive for my little sister.

And if you didn't have the money, man,

you should have went and got it.

Man, how am I supposed to

- just go get some money, Terrence? - Easy.

Get off your ass and do something.

Kidnap a foreign dictator.

Overthrow a government. Drop a mix tape.

Oh, great, great. You know,

why don't we just call Russell Simmons

and ask him for the money, huh?

What, you want the number?

Man, you weak.

You better make this right! Make it right!

I sent you to that jewelry store,

because I figured if you couldn't afford a ring,

you'd call the whole wedding off.

Great, Ma, great. Okay, look.

You got jokes,

and I'm sitting here with a fake ring.

These ain't jokes.

And don't be getting mad at me.

In fact, I think you owe me an apology.

What for?

For making me the mother of a sucker.

Yeah, you a sucker! You look like a sucker!

What you looking at? Look at her!

You look like a sucker!

He makes a point.

Ma!

It's not under here.

I don't see it in the closet.

But I did find this.

"Lindsey's baby book."

Where's mine?

I guess you don't have one.

Aw! "Lindsey's first tooth."

"Lindsey in her Easter bonnet."

"Lindsey eating her first tomato."

How come I don't have one?

Isn't it obvious?

You're adopted.

- Hey, everybody. - Hey.

How did we do, Marilyn?

- Very well. - Oh.

Looks like somebody's about to go to Antigua,

and get their groove back.

Okay.

My, my, my, you two look very friendly.

Well, maybe we are,

and maybe we ain't.

You still coming back to watch the Goldmember?

I'll be there around 10:30.

Hey, Manny, good seeing you, bruh.

Look, if I get any wet work,

you're gonna be the first one I call.

Appreciate it. Take care, Terrence.

For sure. What's that?

How did he do that?

How did who do what?

What is that?

Okay, everybody.

I'm leaving.

All right, now, what is so important

that I need to meet you in your car

at the butt crack of dawn?

What do you have? Information about

the assassination of Biggie Smalls?

Remember "The Guy"

who made Suzanne's engagement ring?

He killed Biggie?

Listen, man, focus.

You got to take me back to him.

That was, like, two years ago. I don't know where he is.

"I know a guy" is code for "I don't know that guy's name."

Look, you found him before. Find him again.

The dude gave me a fake ring.

Whoa, hold up.

You're saying my guy gave you a fake ring.

Yeah.

When you said The Guy could make me a ring

for half the price of the one I saw in the store,

I didn't know it was because it would be a piece of crap.

First of all, it is too early for that kind of language.

But if you'd like, I'll put out some feelers.

I think I know a guy who might know a guy who knows that guy.

Look, man,

I need to have Suzanne's ring replaced

before she starts asking about it.

- Fine. - Thanks.

Now, let's go.

What are you doing, man? Let's go.

What for?

This thing has satellite radio, heated bucket seats.

It's nicer than my apartment.

Hey, man, I missed out on an hour of sleep

this morning 'cause of you.

I either get it here or on your front lawn.

Wake me up for Dr. Oz.

- Hey, Mom. - Hi, sweetie.

Uh, do you remember when I ate my first tomato?

I don't remember, honey.

I ate mine when I was three years old.

Well, do you remember when I lost my first tooth?

Not now, Kevin.

I lost my first tooth when I was six.

Do you remember what my first word was?

No, but I'll remember what your last one is

if you don't let me concentrate.

I've got to find this ring before Nick asks me about it.

We really looked everywhere, Mom.

Yeah, do you remember the last place that you had it?

- Oh, my God. - What?

Oh, no. The last place I had the ring was by the drain.

Oh, no!

You dropped your ring in the drain?

Hey! Shut your mouth!

Go to school.

This never happened.

Well, it looks like this may be your lucky day.

- Trap caught it. - Thank you.

Thank you so mu...

Wait, this isn't it.

Although, I was wondering where this was.

Is there any chance that it could still be in there?

Oh, I don't think so.

I cleaned the trap and snaked the drain.

The clog was coming from all the gunk

trapped on your ring there.

You should be good now.

Yeah, except my husband's gonna kill me.

Well, I only fix drains.

Has anybody ever told you, you look like Kim Jong Il?

Who?

The leader of North Korea?

Never heard of him.

I'm gonna get my checkbook.

Go, go, go, go.

Shh!

Listen, I don't like this.

You don't like this?

What do I look like, sneaking into my own house?

You couldn't find a better place to do this?

You said you wanted to meet The Guy ASAP.

Well, Nick, The Guy.

The Guy, Nick.

I don't have a lot of time.

My kid's in the school play tonight.

What is it, Lord of the Rings?

That's a movie.

You owe me a ring, or you owe me some money.

Look, buddy, that's not how I do business.

Well, what kind of business were you doing

when you made me this?

Round cut, one karat CZ solitaire

on 18 karat white gold plate over nickel.

This is a great piece of work.

I don't know what your problem is.

It's a fake.

It's a faux. There's a difference.

I remember you now.

You showed me a picture of a $3,000 ring

that you got from a jewelry store

that your mother sent you to.

You asked me if I could make that ring for $1,100.

You didn't say you were gonna make me a fake.

Faux.

If you wanted something real,

the price would have been different.

Listen, man, I recommended you,

so I'm kind of on the hook here.

But in The Guy's defense,

that is a pretty good explanation.

Wait, wait, dude. I still have a fake ring.

Faux.

Look, look.

I want my wife wearing a real gold ring

with a real diamond, capisce?

I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll take this in trade.

You give me another $600 and it's a done deal.

- Deal. - See, Nick?

What did I tell you? The Guy is the man.

Just... Come on. Keep it down. Let's go.

Kevin, it's time to go.

Hey, Mom, do you know

what I liked to eat when I was a baby?

Baby food? What are you doing?

Well, I'm making a baby book.

When Lindsey and I were looking for your ring,

we found her baby book,

but there wasn't one there for me.

Sweetie, you don't have to do that, okay?

Now, go get ready for school, and I will explain later, okay?

All right.

Well?

My ring is nowhere in this house.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Well, you need to get it replaced.

I know a guy who makes great faux jewelry.

All I need is a photo of the ring.

I feel awful, Gigi.

I can't believe I'm about to do this.

Well, if it makes you feel any better,

why don't you go tell Nick

you lost your $3,000 ring?

Perspective.

It looks exactly like the old ring.

Yeah, so why spend money on this one?

Because I know.

Are we good here?

Hold on.

Okay. That checks out.

And I got a magnet.

Okay, we're good.

My regards.

Hey, you're The Guy. One last thing.

Get the faux out of here.

Wow.

Hey, she's cool. Come on.

Suzanne?

The Guy.

Oh.

Hi, The Guy.

- Give him the picture. - Oh.

I need you to make me a fake ring...

Faux.

Faux. - Sorry.

Um, see, I have this terrible habit.

When I wash clothes or dishes, I always take my ring off and...

I don't need the back story.

Today is your lucky day.

- I have this exact ring. - Oh.

Ooh.

It fits perfectly,

like it came right off my hand.

Down, girl.

Let me see that again.

Oh, that's so loose. Let me see.

No match, so... But how much?

For your friend?

$1,500.

How about for me, $500?

How about we go out to dinner and discuss it?

How about I call your wife, and discuss it with her?

How about we meet a lot of people

on a regular basis

who could use a guy who does the type of work that you do?

And it could be very lucrative for you

if, when we say we know a guy, you're The Guy.

The Guy.

So what are we talking here?

- Gratis. - Free?

- Are you kidding me? - It's not free.

- It's goods for services. - Right.

Me telling people about you

is gonna be a lot more lucrative than $1,000.

Trust me, it'll be all good in the hood.

That's right.

And what if it's not?

She'll take you out to dinner twice.

Nah-uh. Suzanne!

You're saving my marriage. I'd do it for you!

Well...

Deal. Bring your wife.

- Baby? - Hmm?

I have a confession to make.

Me, too.

Honey, I thought I lost my ring,

and I was so sick about it, I couldn't even tell you,

but I found it and I promise you

I will never take it off again.

- You didn't lose your ring. - What?

I took it 'cause I was trying to teach you a lesson.

But then I found out it was fake.

But then I had it remade

into a real white gold, VS1 solitaire diamond,

which is what my wife deserves.

They're identical.

Yeah. Wait.

If you didn't lose your ring...

I know The Guy.

- You know The Guy? - Yup.

You know, The Guy almost got knocked out.

Have I told you

what a wonderful husband you are?

Tell me again.

Hey, man. You okay?

I guess.

Kevin? I have something for you.

- Your baby book. - What's that?

- Really? - Yes.

Just because you didn't know where it was

doesn't mean I didn't have it.

Whoa, look, Dad.

When I was born, I was seven pounds, eight ounces.

And you first walked when you were 11 months old.

Wow. I knew I wasn't adopted.

- Wait, who told you you were adopted? - Yeah.