Original subtitles

How much longer is this gonna take?

Yeah, he's been up there so long,

TI went in and out of jail twice.

Your father has a surprise,

and, obviously, it's a big deal to him.

So, whether you're surprised or not,

act surprised.

Why do we have to lie?

I mean, you always want us to deal with the truth. Why can't he?

Just do it.

Is that our new family slogan?

You guys ready?

Yes, baby.

Bam!

This is Nick Kingston-Persons,

coming to you live from the top of the stairs,

where, just seconds ago,

I revealed my brand-new look

for my brand-new job.

You're gonna be a microphone salesman?

You are looking at the newest field reporter

for KAWT Sports. See the square thing?

Aw, honey. Oh, my God, you got the job!

When that guy told you you could be on TV,

I thought he was lying to make you feel good.

You think you can introduce me to Serena Williams?

You think you could get me tickets to the Sounders' games?

Okay, wait a minute.

Is that how you congratulate your father?

By asking him for stuff?

How about just being happy for him?

- Yeah! - Go, dad!

- That's awesome. - You gonna be on television.

All right, all right, you big phonies.

Go upstairs and get ready for dinner.

- Go, Dad. - Yeah!

Very selfish, always looking out for what you're gonna get.

You think you can get us playoff tickets?

Suzanne.

I'm sorry. I can't help it.

No, but, honey, I'm excited.

I mean, this could be really huge for you.

I know. Look, right now, I'm out in the field doing small interviews and stuff,

but if this goes well, who knows?

I could become weekend anchor.

How did you pull this off without me knowing about it?

Because I'm good like that.

All right, Mr. Good Like That.

You just make sure you use those powers of deception for good.

- Mmm. - Mmm.

Later on, I will make you do that,

and some other stuff, too.

Ooh!

Ooh, "State of Washington family court"? What is this?

"Notice to custodial parent for reduction of child support."

- What? - It's Frank.

He's back.

♪ Are we there yet?

♪ Tell me, tell me, tell me

♪ Tell me, are we there yet?

♪ Are we there yet?

Honey, don't let this bother you.

I can't help it, you know?

Every time I try to move on with my life,

here he comes with some more of his nonsense.

I mean, first he shows up here

like he wants shared custody, and now this.

What?

Nothing. I just love the way you're so comfortable with me.

Oh. Sorry.

Baby, if he wants to reduce child support, let him.

As long as we keep taking his money, he's gonna keep starting mess.

If he wants out, let him out.

But, Nick, it is the principle.

He's bailing out on his kids.

Correction. He bailed out on his kids.

Baby, I got this.

Now, can we please stop talking about Frank?

Yes, I'm sorry.

Where you going, looking all fancy?

Well, I was coming to bed,

but if you don't like it, I could take it off.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

That's the worst outfit I ever seen.

Take it off, right now.

And voila!

Wow, not bad.

I haven't seen a makeover this good since Chris Brown cried on BET.

I didn't know you watch BET.

Oh, yeah, it's available on all TVs now,

not just the ones with bootleg cable.

Hey, don't get too comfortable. I got work to do.

Look, there's a new boys and girls club opening on MLK.

Pete Carroll is there. I got to prep some questions for him.

Oh, okay, Tiki Barber.

All right.

What's going on with you and all the black references?

Truth is, I met this girl.

Crazy, sexy,

cool.

I'm assuming she's black.

Oh, yeah.

I didn't want to seem corny,

so I've been getting so deep into black culture,

I may be starting to get bad credit.

Really?

Yeah. You know, I was listening to some Maybach Music on the way over here.

Not bad.

Why don't you back it down a notch, bad boy?

Um, P. Diddy.

What?

Look, man, it's just getting kind of annoying.

But trust me, if she wants you,

a black guy's the last thing she wants.

Hey. Don't hate.

So, how'd you get this gig, anyway?

I bumped into the news director on this job I was doing.

He remembered me from my playing days.

We got to talkin' about old times and business, and,

you know, one thing led to another.

- And they're desperate, aren't they? - No, I wouldn't say...

A little.

But the job is what you make it, okay?

Look, I'm just looking forward to getting my face out there.

You know, every rapper says the exact same thing, son.

Martin, you need to bounce.

That means leave, right?

Suzanne, Suzanne, my sexy ex-wife.

Did you come here to pick up your face?

'Cause the last time you were here, you dropped it.

Oh, so how you doin', huh?

You want the truth, or you want me to lie to your face,

like you always do when you see me?

Just won't let it go, will you?

Oh, no, sweetheart, I let it go. See that?

You gonna let me in, or what?

- Oh, it's either that or let the heat out. Come on. - Thank you.

You wouldn't have to worry about letting the heat out,

if you wasn't such a cold individual.

- Need to warm up, you know what I mean? - Mmm-hmm.

You look like hot chocolate. Act like it.

Did you read that motion?

You mean, you don't think that the mailman brought it?

You see, Frank, unlike you,

they're actually dependable.

Oh, yeah?

- Dad! - My children!

- Daddy! - My kids!

I love y'all so much. How you doin'?LINDSEY: Good.

Lindsey, you are turnin' out to be such a gorgeous young lady.

I mean, you look a combination of Beyonce, Michelle Obama,

a touch of Oprah, and about this much of your mama,

'cause all the rest is me, see?

Sounds like gumbo to me.

Gumbo. Hah. You're real funny, man.

You are a real funny cat. You know where you get this sense of humor from?

- Where? - Me. See?

That exact sense of humor

is what I used on the night that I made you.

Oh, yeah, that night, I was cracking up.

So, what's up, dad?

Yeah, what's up, Frank?

I was getting around to that.

Just relax, okay? Pump your brakes.

Now, what I came over here for was to invite you guys

out for the weekend. We'll go out and have some fun.

- Oh! - For real? Where?

Anywhere y'all wanna go.

I mean, we could have lunch at the Space Needle.

- Space Needle. We could do that. - Go down to the EMP?

- EMP, we could do that. - We can go shopping at the mall?

Shopping, we could do that. We could do all that.

Wow, that sounds a little expensive.

I thought money was tight right now, Frank.

Well, actually, it is,

but for my children, there's nothing

that I will not do. No expense will be spared.

We will have fun, as long as it's okay

- with your mama. - Oh, come on, please?

Can we please go?

- Fine! - Yeah.

- Yeah! - Whoo!

I'll see you, Dad.

- Ah! - Whoo!

So...So?

Think we ought to talk about this?

You know what? That is a great idea.

I think we should step outside and talk.

- That's where you wanna talk? Let's go. - Okay.

Step outside. Matter of fact...

Suzanne!

I can see you!

- No, I told him I'm not doing that anymore. - Oh, really?

Hey, little sis.

- That was hot! - Wait, wait.

Did I kill him?

- Oh, my God. - Terrence?

What?

How did you get in here, anyway?

Girl, I told you that security system is wack.

Which is why I carry this.

I didn't know you had a stun gun.

You're not supposed to.

I have a stun gun,

some pepper spray, brass knuckles,

a pocketknife and a night light.

I've been taking street-defense courses.

You know, you wanna hop out of the bushes and surprise me,

I'mma hop in my purse... and surprise you.

Terrence, what are you doing here?

Well,

my friend is getting married,

and he wants me to be the best man.

Okay? So,

I thought of a bachelor party theme. All right?

- Mmm-hmm. - You gonna love this: rendition.

Rendition?

Isn't that where you snatch somebody out of their house or off the street

and torture and interrogate them?

Allegedly.

So, what's his name?

I can't tell you that.

When's the party?

That's classified.

So, where's it gonna be?

At an undisclosed location.

Okay, hold on.

You want us to plan a party for a guy

we don't know on a date you can't tell us

at a place nobody can find.

Exactly.

Now, we may have a lot of undercover

and covert op guys there,

so we can't take no chances.

Okay, if it's so dangerous,

why are you throwing a party?

Girl, you can't get married without a bachelor party.

That's sacrilegious.

Okay? Now, second thing,

I don't want nobody seen coming in and out of this location.

- Okay. - Now, is there a way we can do these invitations

where nobody know where they came from?

Okay, wait.

So, what, you just want us to drop a stack of cards

on the corner that say "Bachelor Party" with no other information on it?

Exactly. But you know what?

"Bachelor Party," that might be too much information.

Let's just do a card

that got a picture of a party hat on it.

Okay, so what kind of food are you thinking?

All we need is rice and water.

And a cake.

We need a cake in the shape of...

Abu Ghraib.

Boy, I don't know what Abu Ghraib looks like.

You ain't supposed to.

Okay, do you need tables and chairs?

All we need is one chair,

some rope

and a big-ass bright light.

When do you need it by?

That's on a need-to-know basis.

Anything else?

Of course.

What's that?

- Mmm-mmm. - Uh-uh?

Nice shoes.

Oh, thank you.

- They're super comfortable. I love those, too. - I got these yesterday.

Gigi, can you take care of this for me?

Because I got to get the kids ready to spend the weekend with Frank.

Frank? Why?

It's a long story.

Well, actually, no. It's really a short story.

So, Frank is trying to get his child support reduced...Mmm-hmm.

And Nick says he doesn't care because he's here, now.

Then Frank showed up at the house the other day

and I was about to tell him about himself.

But then the kids walked in, and he's all,

"My kids," with that stupid smile.

I hate when he does that, you know?

And then he tries to play them against me, Suzanne...

And I really despise when he does that.

So, then he asks right in front of them,

"Can I have the kids for the weekend? "What?

And what am I supposed to say?

You know, I don't want to be the bad guy,

But Suzanne...but I'm not gonna sit around and take his mess,

especially when I'm supposed to be driving him crazy

after everything he's done, Right.

But really, I could care less about what he thinks.

I'm just trying...Hey!

What?

One, that was a long story.

Two, if you couldn't care less,

why are you walking around all upset?

Maybe you care more than you wanna admit.

I don't.

Well, you don't act like you don't care.

I care about my kids.

You care about not being the bad guy. That's what you said.

- That's not what I meant. - But it's what you said!

I don't care what you mean.

That's between you.

The point is,

just because you look like the bad guy,

doesn't mean you are the bad guy.

And your kids will understand that.

Eventually...

I hope.

Whatever.

How long is it gonna take you to finish that invitation?

All done!

This is Nick. Hey, Nick, it's Skinner.

Hey, what's up? Bad news.

Looks like the anchors are gonna do

the Carol piece in studio.

I don't have to go down to the Boys and Girls Club?

No, we still need you to go, but not for a few days.

You're gonna talk to Blitz.

Blitz? The mascot?

Yeah, the kids love him. We'll roll it in as part of the package.

All right.

Look, I'm glad we caught you while you were still in the house.

No, I'm not in the house. I'm in the car.

What is that you're on, like, Bluetooth?

Yeah. In your car?

Yeah.

Don't tell anybody else that.

They'll think were paying you too much.

Later.

Hey, are you two finally running away from home?

Our dad's coming to pick us up.

We're spending the night.

When did this happen?

Yesterday. I think.

Or the day before.

Listen, man, I'm 12. Life's just one big day to me, okay?

So, are you ready for your big interview?

Hmm? Oh, yeah.

Well, it's not as big as I thought it was gonna be.

I'm interviewing Blitz.

The Seahawks' mascot?

Oh, cool. I love that guy.

You have got to see the video where he goes skydiving.

I mean, a lot of teams have stupid mascots, but Blitz?

Like, if I was in a fight, and I had an all-mascot team,

he'd be my leader.

Is that what goes on in the mind of a 12-year-old,

an all-mascot super battle?

Yes! And it would be awesome!

A guy walking around in an eagle costume is not awesome.

He's not an eagle. He's a Seahawk.

You know, you could be a mascot.

You already got a big head.

- All you need is a cape. - Excuse me?

All right, all right. Hey, hey, Hey...

So, you're really into Blitz, huh?

Yeah. Oh, do you think you could get me his autograph?

I can try.

How's he supposed to sign it? Seahawks don't have fingers.

- Booger face say what? - What?

So, what's up with the surprise spending the night?

I'm sorry, honey.

I should have told you,

but Frank completely ambushed me.

And how did he do that?

Well, it's a long story.

Actually, no, it's not, really. I can start with...

No, no, no, I heard your long stories,

and is it okay if I just forgive you now so we can skip that?

Yes. Thank you.

Baby, I know you mad at Frank.

I'm not mad at him. I just want him to do the right thing.

Like he usually does?

Well, you're not helping.

I'm not trying to.

You don't need help to do nothing,

which is what you should be doing.

You're sticking to your guns, but they're pointed at your own head.

If you fight Frank, we're gonna have to go to court,

and then there'll be lawyers,

and then the kids will have to testify. I mean,

just cut him off.

Look, lose the battle to win the war.

What if I want to win the battle and the war?

Then you're missing the point of the analogy.

Look...

I want to support you

because I, unlike you,

am willing to lose the battle to win the war.

Suzanne,

your problem is not with me.

Your problem is with you.

Don't be trying to outsmart me.

I'm just... Come on.

Mom, Nick, we're home.

So, you guys had fun?

Oh, yeah, it was cool.

- All right. - Hi.

- Hey, Mom. - Hey, Mommy.

What? Are you guys holding syrup?

Oh, yeah, we went to the syrup expo.

Oh, I didn't know there was a such thing as a syrup expo.

Oh, well, there's quite a few things to do in this town for somebody

that's easygoing and open-minded,

unlike yourself.

They had over one,000 different flavors, Mom.

- Yeah, I got sour cream and onion. - Yup, and I got chipotle.

Okay, well, why don't you guys go upstairs and unpack?

All right, bye, Dad.

- Bye, Daddy. - Bye. Take it easy. Gonna be more fun next time, I promise you.

Hold on to that syrup, 'cause next time,

we goin' to the pancake expo, put that syrup to use.

And make sure you tell people you was hangin' out with your daddy!

Oh, well, well, well.

- Body by Jake. - Frank, stop it.

No, keep on. I'll stop him.

Come on, Bowflex. You know I'm just playin' with you, man.

I'm not the one to play with. Go home and play with yourself.

Frank, can I talk to you for a second?

Absolutely, as long as it ain't...

Outside. You already got me with that one.

Oh, no, honey, I got this.

- You sure? - Yeah.

Yeah, go on upstairs, Bowflex.

I'll call you if I need you to spot me.

All right.

Hey, you know what? I've been meaning to tell you, man.

Tae Bo been calling my house like crazy.

Say they need a new spokesman, you know,

somebody that's big,

strong,

baldheaded, ugly.

That's your job, brother.

Well, Seabiscuit called. She want her teeth back.

Frank, I'm gonna vacate your child support.

Hey, come on. That's not what I asked.

I said I didn't want to pay as much, not that I don't want to pay at all.

None is not as much.

None, less, what difference does it make to you?

Look, I don't want my kids to think that I don't want to take care of them, all right?

Frank, they already know you don't want to take care of them.

They found that out when you left them,

found another woman and had another child.

So, I guess your plan of running two families didn't work out.

Why you hoppin' all in attack mode, baby?

Oh, no, I'm not attacking you, sweetie.

I'm letting you go. You got 99 problems, and I'm not one.

So, what you telling me, that I can't see my kids no more?

No, man.

Hey, man, what you doing here, man?

Sneakin' up on people in the street is one thing.

How you gonna sneak up on people in their own house?

First of all, this ain't your house.

Second of all, that's for me to know and for you to find out.

And, trust me, Frank, you don't wanna find out.

Look, bro, I'm having a private conversation

with my ex-wife.

Baby sister, you mind if I deal with this?

- Go ahead. - Okay.

I'll set you straight, bro.

First, my sister don't need your money, as you can see.

Second of all, that's your kids.

You the baby father, a'ight?

So, if they need something from you, which is highly unlikely,

they'd better be able to reach you,

'cause if they can't, I will.

- You threatening me? - Oh, yeah.

It's a threat, it's a promise and the truth.

Yeah, okay, all right.

Go ahead and put your hands on me, then.

I'll sue you for every flak jacket you got in your closet.

Next time you show up over here, all you gonna have on is

combat boots and dirty drawers.

Yeah, it wouldn't be the first time.

Terrence, what are you doing over here, anyway?

Oh, I just came by to let you know that everything with the party is going good.

- Oh. - Tell Gigi I said thanks.

Well, why don't you just tell her yourself?

Between me and you...Mmm-hmm.

I'm trying not to get stung again.

Hey, look here, man, I'm trying to have a conversation

with my ex-wife, bro.

Hey, watch your tongue.

What's that?

I'm hungry.

Man, you're gonna be on TV with Blitz. That's awesome.

Is everything with you awesome?

Don't you know another adjective?

Is "butterface" an adjective?

Okay, stop it. That's your sister. Apologize.

I'm sorry that you're a butterface.

Very funny, Kevin. No computer tonight.

I got something for you, Kevin.

- Bam! - Oh!

That is an autographed Blitz photo.

"To Kevin, you rock. Blitz."

Did you guys have a good time with your dad this weekend?

Yeah, it was fun.

- Mom? - Yes, sweetheart?

What's going on with you and Dad?

He was saying weird stuff like he wasn't gonna see us again or something.

Your father wants to reduce his child support payments.

I thought you and Mom were supporting us.

We are, but he's contributing, also.

Are we that expensive?

- Yes. - No.

Yes, but we can afford it...

You.

Why doesn't he wanna keep supporting us?

Well, I don't think it's because he doesn't want to.

He's having a tough time with money right now.

A lot of people are.

Will you make us stop seeing him?

No, sweetheart, I would never do that.

Well, Nick, do you hate our dad?

No. I mean, you know,

maybe we don't always agree on everything,

and he made some choices that I wouldn't have made,

but as long as he does right by you, he's fine by me.

That's all we needed to know.

Well done, honey.

Oh, what is going on with Terrence?

All right?

I got this invitation, but it's got nothing on it.

What kind of party is this, anyway?

I don't know anything!

I swear!

I'm just a businessman from Sydney!

I'm not a terrorist!

Shut up! I only got one thing to say to you.

What is it?

Congratulations!

Oh, you guys! You guys are crazy! Oh!

Come on. Bring it on. Yeah!

That's what I'm talkin' about!