Original subtitles

Ma, I've been married six months now.

Don't you think it's time you start bonding with your grandchildren?

What do you mean, "what grandchildren"?

Kevin and Lindsey,

the children of the woman I married.

Suzanne.

Kevin and Lindsey.

Lindsey's the girl.

Look, that's why you need to spend more time with them.

Besides, Suzanne is working, I'm working.

This way, they'll be with family.

You heard me. I said family.

We'll see you tomorrow.

Why do we have to hang out with her?

She hates us.

She hardly even knows you guys.

She can't wait to see you.

You didn't say she doesn't hate us.

She just needs a chance to get to know you.

She hasn't spent a lot of time around kids.

Didn't she raise you?

Like I said,

she hasn't spent a lot of time around kids.

Look, just do me a favor.

Don't call her "Grandma" or "Granny,"

or "Mammy," "Nana," nothing like that.

I'm just gonna call her Mrs. Persons.

Call her Marilyn.

Once she gets to know you, she's gonna love you.

That's what they said to Britney Spears' kids.

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

♪ Are we there yet?

♪ Tell me, tell me, tell me

♪ Tell me, are we there yet?

♪ Are we there yet?

Hey, baby. You okay?

No.

I've got a problem.

What's up?

I just found out I have three paid sick days,

and I have to take them now or lose them.

How is this a problem?

I'm a professional event planner.

I don't do unplanned well.

Why don't you just plan on doing nothing?

Why don't you just file that under

"you don't know what you're talking about?"

Come here.

Sit down right here.

You could just do this for three days.

ESPN, ESPN2, ESPN Classic, ESPN Extreme.

I'll just go in to work. [EXHALES]

Why?

Look, you're the one always complaining

about how tired and overworked you are.

That was just last night.

Okay, well, I suppose it could be fun.

You and me, we could go down to Pike's Place,

grab some breakfast, do some shopping.

Oh, that sounds great, baby.

Good. We'll do it.

I can't. You're the one with the three days.

I got to work.

Use this as your "me" time.

[SIGHS]

Okay, well, maybe I can spend some time with the kids.

Go down to Pike's Place, grab some breakfast, do some shopping.

Oh, that sounds nice, baby.

Good.Not good.

They're spending the day with my mother.

Why? She hates them.

KEVIN AND LINDSEY: Told you!

[EXASPERATED SIGH]

[EXHALES]

Okay, kids, remember,

no touching anything at Grandma's house.

Oh, they won't be going anywhere near my house.

I just laid white carpet.

We are going to the mall.

Go stand by the car.

BOTH: Bye, Mom.

Bye, sweethearts.

Sounds like a lot of fun.Hmm.

Uh, Marilyn, these are just a few important numbers

we think you should have.

My cell, Nick's cell, home phone, pediatrician...

Did you not hear me say we are going to the mall?

I did, Marilyn, but bad things can happen there too.

Um, for the kids,

no sugars before 12:00 noon or after 3:00.

Look, little bitty woman,

if your kids do not know how to eat by now, I am not teaching them.

Please make sure that they wash their hands for a full 15 seconds...

You do realize I managed to raise your husband, right?

Barely.

Nick told me that when he was five,

you put him up for collateral in a poker game.

I had a full house, kings high.

Where was the risk in that?

No, they did not touch my horn.

I got a number for you.

911?

Yep, because if your kids go missing,

I am not looking for 'em.

Mm, that was good.

I can't wait till you have another day off.

Want anything else?

Mm, I'm good.

Mm. I got to go to work.

Have a good day, baby.

[EXHALES]

[SOOTHING MUSIC PLAYING]

Crap!

[SOOTHING MUSIC PLAYING]

[LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY]

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah, boy.

Hah! Hah!

[SOOTHING MUSIC PLAYING]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

[EXHALES]

[BALL THUDDING ACROSS COURT ON TV]

Tennis.

[INDISTINCT COMMENTARY ON TV]

[BALL THUDDING RAPIDLY]

Ping-pong.

[REMOTE CONTROL BEEPS]

[WHOOSHING]Skateboarding.

[ELECTRONIC LIGHTSABER ZIPPING]

[HOLLOW RUMBLING ON TV]

I thought you were working.

I am working.

No, you're not. You're fighting Count Dooku.

No, I'm calibrating the motion sensors on the Wii mod

by fighting Count Dooku.

[WEAPONS FIRING ON TV]

[SIGHS SOFTLY]

[INDISTINCT VIDEO GAME SOUNDS]

So...

Uh, enjoying your vacation, baby?

No.

I can't just sit around the house and do nothing.

Why don't you call Gigi?

She's at work.[LIGHTSABER ZIPPING]

You just killed Count Dooku.

Sorry.

It's okay.

At least I know the motion sensor's working.

So you're finished?

No, I've got three more of these.

Oh.

Why don't you go see a movie?

Nick, the only thing more depressing

than sitting at home by myself

is going to a matinee by myself.

Look, baby, I don't know what to tell you,

but I've got to go to work.

I promised my client I'd have this fixed by tonight.

What kind of client can't wait a day for their Wii?

A mother with two kids.

Fine. Play with Count Dooku.

Okay, people, here's how it's gonna work.

I'm gonna be at that bar over there,

catching up with my friends Jack and coke.

These are for you.

They're prepaid cards.

Really? How much is on them?

That's for me to know and you to find out.

And when they're maxed out, so are you.

Thanks, Grandma.

Say it again and see what happens to you.

What am I gonna do?

Well, you are going to be in that arcade right over there.

So I can just play in the arcade the whole time?

And I can go wherever I want to in the mall?

Yes, just be back here by 3:00,

and be smart.

Watch out for pickpockets.

What about "no talking to strangers"?

Yeah, that too.

What if I meet a overly friendly guy with a puppy?

Are you gonna be a problem?

No, I just don't want to end up on that show with Chris Hansen.

He spends a lot of time on the internet.

Here.

Thanks, Grandma.

I told you,

I am not your grandmother.

If anything, I'm your step-grandmother.

Nobody has a step-grandmother.

Exactly.

Goodbye.

Well, if I sound bitchy,

it's because I need the massage.

Next month doesn't work for me.

Ugh! Thank you. Bye.

How come you're not at work?

Because when I got there, you weren't there.

I assist you, nobody else.

Well, since you're not doing anything, let's hang out.

Who said I wasn't doing anything?

My plane for Cabo leaves in two hours.

I just came to borrow your espadrilles.

Wha... Hold on. You found out this morning

that you have three days off,

and you've already booked a trip to Mexico?

Booked it, comped it,

and my name is on the VIP list for the P. Diddy party.

Holla! [LAUGHS]

I couldn't even get an appointment at Aqua Spa.

Oh, girl, you've got to plan ahead for Aqua Spa.

I couldn't plan ahead, because I didn't know I was gonna have the time off.

Why don't you come to Mexico with me?

I have kids.

So does Mexico.

My kids have plans.

I don't know what the problem is.

You have time off, and you have a man.

Why don't you spend time with your man?

I tried to.

He blew me off.

Blew you off?

You wanted to?Yes.

And he said...No.

Question.What?

What were you wearing?This.

[EXCLAIMS]

That's your problem.

And I think you know the solution.

[LAUGHS]

Vamanos!

[LAUGHING]

One, two...

One, two, three.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ When the funk between my toes

♪ Hits your nose

♪ Makes you go

♪ Ow, ow, ow, ow!

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

Dude, come on.

I'm not paying you guys ten bucks apiece

just because I don't need 30 bucks.

We got work to do.

Nick.

Oh!

Whoo, honey, slow down.

[LAUGHING] I didn't think it was gonna work that fast.

Baby?Huh?

You don't understand.Understand what?

[SUZANNE SCREAMING LOUDLY]

NICK: Hey, guys.

BOTH: Hey, Nick.

How was it?

It was a little scary at first,

but then she gave us money and let us wander around the mall by ourselves.

Yep, turns out, she doesn't hate us after all.

Okay. Go wash up. Mom fixed dinner.

Cool.All right.

Looks like you had a good time with the kids, Ma.

Don't tell me what kind of time I had.

I need a glass of water,

and by "water," I mean vodka.

What's wrong with you?

Suzanne's been mad at me all day.

[SCOFFS] Well, if she worked anywhere near as hard as I did,

I'd be mad too.

That's just it.

She didn't go to work. She had the day off.

I don't know what kind of sick game you're playing,

but the next time these kids are at home and their mother is at home,

you let them stay home. She's their family too.

I didn't want to change your plans.

What is wrong with you, man?

I had plenty of things I could've been doing

besides babysitting those kids at the mall.

Now, if they were my grandkids, [SCOFFS] it'd be a different story.

They are your grandkids.

You know what I mean.

Boy, where is my vodka?

I...

I'm sorry about what happened earlier.

No, you're not. I'm sorry.

They saw me naked.

You act like it's my fault.

I would never come down to your job in my drawers

and pose in the doorway

and then get mad when everybody stared at me.

It is not the same thing.

I don't work in the garage.

Just because my office is at home

doesn't mean I'm not at work.

You don't see Michelle Obama

waltzing around the Oval Office in her panties.

So, now you're the President of the United States?

You just have to pretend I'm not here.

Now, my workday is over.

Get off of me.

I'm still pretending you're not here.

Kevin, Lindsey, dinner is ready!

How come you're not eating?

I'm not hungry.Me neither.

We ate.

I specifically asked your grandmother

not to feed you past 3 o'clock.

She didn't.

But we ate everything we wanted from 2:30 to 2:59.

Well, that's just great.

I sat around this house all day long

and couldn't figure out a thing to do,

and the one thing I came up with

was cooking a nice dinner for my family.

And what does your mama do?

She takes the kids to the mall

and lobs a corn dog right in the middle of my plan.

Nick, if this is how you're going to treat me

when I'm at home,

why didn't you just let me go to work?

'Cause I love your mashed potatoes?

I'm telling you, Chuck,

sometimes you can't win for losing.

If anybody knows that, it's you.

If I knew she wanted to do that, I would've come in late.

[BEEPING]

Hey, Ma.

It's Nick.

Yeah, I need you to keep the kids tomorrow.

Kevin and Lindsey.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

[SIGHS]

BOTH: Hey, Marilyn!

So, what are we doing today?

I don't know, but you're coming home hungry, I can tell you that.

Can we please go back to the mall?

Sure, as long as you promise not to talk to me until...

As long as you promise not to talk to me.

Hey, Ma, you want a cup of coffee?

You got six hours to fix

whatever's going on with you and your wife.

Come on, people.

Thanks, Ma.

[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, baby.SUZANNE: What?

Brush your teeth and come downstairs.

I made breakfast.

I'm not hungry.

I know you're upset, baby.

Just, please, just come downstairs, please?

Fine.

[ROMANTIC MUSIC CONTINUES]

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

It's 9 o'clock.

Don't you have to be at work, Mr. President?

[HUMMING HAIL TO THE CHIEF]

[ROMANTIC MUSIC STOPS]

Mm.

My compliments to the chef.

You sure you don't want any?

Nah.

Problem solved.

Why can't I do that with Suzanne?

You can. You just got to treat your woman like a hard drive.

Do you want to explain that?

See, women possess all the information a man needs.

You just have to access the data.

Access the data.

Dude, it's almost 10:00 a.m. Why didn't you say something?

Because you have a watch on.

Dude, I got a date with this really hot chick.

A date? It's 10:00 a.m.

Yeah, see, she works the night shift,

so we hit up this coffeehouse.

But I'm telling you, man,

you get a couple mimosas in her, she's good to go.

It's like happy hour.

Never underestimate what a woman will do

when she is brunch drunk.

Brunch drunk.

Oh, yeah.

This woman plainly stated

that she can't sleep with a guy who can't be on time.

See, when women tell me things,

I believe them.

[EXCLAIMS]

See, Suzanne told you she doesn't do unplanned well.

She said she'd rather just go to work.

Now, was she lying? No.

She told you the truth about herself,

and you convinced her to do something different.

Sorry, buddy. This one's on you.

But if it's any consolation,

those were some kick-ass waffles.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER ON TV]

MAN: [ON TV] We realized a long time ago,

that what you make people feel

is just as important as what you make...

It's noon. How come you're not at work?

Lunch.

I give myself 50 minutes.

I'm sorry.

What are you sorry for?

Whatever made you mad.

You know, I do work hard,

even though it may not seem like it to you.

No, no.

Honey, I understand.

Count Dooku is a menace to society and needs to be dealt with.

The Empire is not gonna defeat itself.

Honey,

I'm glad that you have a job that you love.

I guess I just wanted to feel more important.

Of course you are.

You know that.

You never said what you were sorry for.

I tried to make you do what I would do if I had a few days off

instead of listening to you.

I want you to respect the way I operate,

so I should respect the way you operate.

I like that.

And I love you.

I love you too, baby.

MARILYN: Anybody home? Because these kids are.

NICK: Damn.[SIGHS]

What happened? Why are you home so early?

Because these are your kids, not mine.

But you said you'd give me till 3:00.

Well, my nerves only gave me till now.

Ma, I never asked you for anything, right?

Wrong. You asked me to take care of your kids

two days in a row.

I meant before that.

Wait, don't try to guilt-trip me.

Just tell me what you want.

I need you to stay here with the kids.What?

I want to spend some time with Suzanne.

Boy, I thought you had to work.

Not today.

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

Where are you going?

To spend some time with the kids.

I don't want to sit around for another day and a half,

and I don't want to bother you while you're working.

I'm not working today. I'm taking the day off.

Mom's gonna stay home with the kids.

BOTH: For real?

Look, I don't mind bonding with you,

but you have got to stop trying to touch me.

Okay, so...

What are we gonna do?

Well, I figure we could go to Pike's Place...Mm-hmm.

Grab a little something to eat...Mm-hmm.

Go shopping.Mm-hmm.

And go somewhere and finish what we were talking about upstairs.

KEVIN: For the record,

we know what you're talking about.

[CLOSING THEME MUSIC PLAYING]