Original subtitles

Mmm.

I love the smell of pancakes in the morning!

Good morning, everybody.

Hey, Nick.Hey, Nick.

You know it's okay if you call me Dad.

Your mother and I got married, so we could be a family.

Mom, dad, son, daughter.

I'm not saying that you have to,

but if you want to, it's cool.

Thanks, Nick.

Your mother was supposed to make me a special breakfast.

NICK: Do you know where it is?

I think maybe we ate it.

There's some cereal if you want that.

I love cereal.

I don't want cereal. Why would you eat my breakfast?

We didn't know you were coming down.

Since when have I stayed upstairs all day?

There's always a first time.

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

♪ Are we there yet?

♪ Tell me, tell me, tell me

♪ Tell me, are we there yet?

♪ Are we there yet?

You can't eat that.

What? How come?

That's mom's favorite cereal. It's the only kind she eats.

Good morning, everybody.

Morning, Mom.Hey, Mom.

[CLEARING THROAT]

Why are you eating my cornflakes?

This was all that was left.

I made your breakfast.

It's not here.

Freeze!

SUZANNE: Where is it?Where is what?

You wanna play?

Really? Kevin?

In the freezer?

No, no, go, go, go.

I can make you another breakfast tomorrow,

but I can't make two more kids.

At least not by tomorrow morning. I'm not Octomom.

If I made two new kids, maybe they wouldn't hate me.

Sweetheart, they don't hate you. They love you.

And freezing my food is how they show it?

Exactly.

Well what would they do if they didn't love me?

Poison your food and then let you eat it.

Why are you looking at me like that?

Can we talk for a second?

Nick Persons wants to talk?

This must be serious.

Go ahead.

You know I love you, right?

Yes. What?

Are you going to come to bed looking like this every night?

What are you trying to say?

During the day, you look like Halle Berry,

but at bedtime, you turn into Tyler Perry.

Nick, we have been married for six months,

and you are acting like this is the first time you've seen me like this.

No, I'm acting like this is the sixth month I've seen you like this.

And what about you? How do you look when you come to bed?

This is not about me.

Look, Suzanne,

I understand you're upset, but you need to know this.

It's no different than me telling you you have lettuce in your teeth.

Oh, so now I got lettuce in my teeth?

No, that's not what I meant.

No, I know what you mean.

What you mean is, "You better look beautiful all the time or else."

Well you know what? The vows say for better or for worse.

SUZANNE: In the daytime, it's better.

At nighttime, it's worse.

You can't have it both ways.

I'm sorry, okay? I'm just trying to be honest

like they tell you to do on Dr. Phil.

Oh, yeah? Well, how's that working out for you?

What's that?

It's just a bill, but they got your name wrong.

It says, "Suzanne Kingston-Persons." You should call and fix it.

"Suzanne Kingston-Persons." I don't need to call. That's right.

Suzanne Kingston-Persons?

What's with the hyphen? You're married now.

It's my name.

Hyphenated.

A hyphen in your name is a recipe for disaster.

No, a recipe for disaster is telling

your wife she looks like Tyler Perry.

A hyphen is just a punctuation mark.

A punctuation mark that says,

"I don't know if this will work out,

"so I'm going to keep my old name just in case."

NICK: Remember Rebecca Romijn?

She married John Stamos.

Then she became Rebecca Romijn "hyphen" Stamos.

Then what happened? Divorced.

Well, Nick, my name is part of my identity, okay?

That's the name I do business under.

Puff Daddy turned into P. Diddy. Did people stop dancing? Huh?

NICK: The Rock turned into Dwayne Johnson.

Did people stop smelling what he was cooking?

If you want everybody to have the same name so bad, change yours.

That's not what a man does.

[TURNS THE TV ON]

What's this? What Not to Wear.

Did you bring us anything, Dad?

Dad, huh?

We thought about what you said. We thought we'd give it a shot.

Dad.

You think I got something in these bags for you, don't you?

Do you?Dad.

How come when I ask one of you a question, the other one answers?

Do we do that?Dad.

Yeah, you do that.

So what's in the bag?Dad.

My breakfast. It's toaster waffles.

And they're already frozen, so if you want to get under my skin,

you're going to have to cook 'em.

Hey, honey.

Hey, honey.

You went to the grocery store?

I just stopped to get some waffles.

Mmm, did you get me some more cornflakes?

No. Why?

So just to be clear,

you want me to do things that make you happy,

but you don't want to do things that make me happy?

Do you think it's easier for me to get beautiful for you,

or easier for you to get me a box of cornflakes?

When did you turn into The Riddler?

I think that you should quit while you're ahead, Nick.

Oh, he's not ahead.Too bad, Nick.

No more "Dad"? Now it's "Nick"?

It was a trial period.

Didn't go well.

Did you see that?

SUZANNE: Well, they need time to adjust.

And obviously so do you,

because you don't do everything you did six months ago, either,

Nick.

Shave your legs, maybe I would.

Hey, hey, man! Hey! Who are you?

Hello, honey.

Hey, Ma.

[MARILYN GIGGLES]

Don't speak. I heard everything you had to say yesterday.

Anything else might ruin it.

NICK: Who was that?

Oh, that. That was Orlando.

We met in New York.

I thought you said you were gonna hang out this weekend.

I did. In New York.

Thank you.

He's kind of young, isn't he?

Now would be a good time for you to quit asking questions,

'cause if you keep talking, I will give you the answer.

What's wrong?

Who said something was wrong?

I know my son and you're acting funny.

Something happen with you and Suzanne?

It's nothing.

Suzanne wants to keep her name and hyphenate it with mine.

Suzanne Kingston-Persons.

Hold that thought.

Oh, hey, Suzanne. Are you at work?

Girl, I'm sorry. I must've called your number by accident.

MARILYN: Okay.

Bye.

What was all that?

I had to make sure she wasn't home before I started talking about her.

She's my wife. Start getting used to it.

I started. Just not finished.

MARILYN: And what is all this hyphenated name stuff?

You know, the least she could do is be proud of the fact

that you gave her your last name,

seeing as how you married her and took in those people.

They're not people.

They're kids.

Anyway, all I'm saying is,

you don't see Michelle Obama complaining.

You know what her last name was before she married Barack?

Nope.

That's right.

Nobody knows, and nobody cares.

So what else did you do in New York?

Boy, I'm your mother.

If you want to hear about something nasty

go on the Internet like everybody else.

Thanks, Mom.

Uncle Terrence wants to know if we can spend the night this weekend.

LINDSEY: He got tickets to the screening of the new Will Smith movie.

It's already made a hundred million, and it's not even out yet.

Yeah.

If it's fine with Mrs. Kingston "hyphen" Persons,

it's fine with me.

In that case, Mom, can we have some of Nick's money?

Yes. Yes, you can.

What?

Kids need money.

Thank you.

Thanks.Dad.

SUZANNE: Nick, can I talk to you for a moment?

Nick Persons, you should be ashamed of yourself.

You're the one that wants everybody to be clear about their identity.

It's just a name, Nick.

What else do we need to do to make you feel

like you're a part of this family?

How about treating me like it?

Just because you're here doesn't mean

we have to forget everything we ever did.

We have a past. Deal with it.

Okay. Cool.

Nick...

what is all this?

This is an autographed pair of 1992 Air Jordans.

And what is it doing on my table?

You're not letting go of your past,

so I'm not letting go of mine.

So I got all my stuff out of storage.

Deal with it.

And who is this?

That is Renee.

She was my girlfriend for the first half of 2002.

I don't... I don't care about your tramp ex-girlfriends, okay?

I'm here, she's not.

So obviously, I have something that she doesn't.

Yeah, two last names.

You know what?

Just 'cause you rip up a photo doesn't make you right, sweetheart.

And you better not try and put it back together.

I'm just cleaning up.

Knock, Knock.

Kevin!

Lindsey!

Front and center!

BOTH: Hey, Uncle Terrence!

What the heck is all this stuff?

Mom and Nick are having an argument.Yeah.

Go wait in the car.Okay.

And don't talk to strangers.

We're just getting inside the car.

Strangers could be anywhere.

Even in your own car.

Okay.

Hey, Nick!NICK: Hey, Terrence.

What's wrong?You tell me, man.

What's going on with you and my baby sister?

We're having a fight.

And that's not your business.

Oh, I think it is.

Look, I done seen her go through one heartbreak,

and I'm not about to stand here and watch it happen again.

What's that supposed to mean?

I'll tell you what it mean.

As the sole member of an elite black ops unit,

I've got extensive training in defusing situations just like this.

TERRENCE: I got a policy, bro.

If I can't talk you down, I got to take you down.

And it won't be pretty.

Suzanne, Terrence is threatening to kill me again.

SUZANNE: [SCREAMING] Terrence, don't kill my husband!

That's one.

NICK: That's one? That's one what?

Hey, what are you writing?

What's that?

[DOOR CLOSES]

Man, I hate it when he does that.

[CLEARS THROAT]

It's a shame that a beautiful woman like you is sitting here all by herself...

I am married with two kids. And I do not look like this in the morning.

Goodbye.

Goodbye!

Oh, my God. Men get on my nerves.

They think just because they have a private plane and a house in Miami,

you will fly off on a moment's notice,

like you don't have anything else to do.

Don't go then.

Are you crazy? What else do I have to do?

Who is this? Malcolm?

Are you kidding? Malcolm can't afford his own plane.

GIGI: That's why I dumped him.

When?This morning.

And you already have a new boyfriend?Mm-hmm

[CHUCKLES] And his name is Angelo.

GIGI: And I told him I just don't just hop

on a plane with just any-old-body.

I don't sleep around. I am a one-man woman.

You mean "one-man-this-morning, one-man-this-evening" woman.

Suzanne, I would love to be like you,

and find a wonderful man I can spend the rest of my life with.

But the fact of the matter is men get on my nerves.

Well, you're better off. You don't want to be like me.

Why?

Trouble in paradise?

Maybe.

Nick's all bent out of shape,

because I want to hyphenate my name.

Mm-hmm. I'd like to say it's not a problem, but it is.

Well, you know what? Let me ask you one question.

What's that?Are you crazy?

What?

You are a woman with two kids.

Not only did you find a man, you found a good man,

with a good job, who loves you, and loves your kids!

Oh. And he black!

I mean...

if the man wants you to drop your name, drop it.

You drop it like the sponsors dropped Tiger!

Either you like who you are, or you like who you were.

I can't be both?

Michael Jackson couldn't, and neither can you.

Mmm.

You going to finish that?

Mmm.

[YELLS]

Let's go. I got to make it to the airport in 30 minutes.

Well, whose going to pay?

Don't worry about it. I used to date the owner. Come on.

We'll stop at a gas station, 'cause you gonna have to pee.

Man, she's hot.

I can see why Suzanne tore this up.

Why would you bring this back into the house, man?

Everybody knows pictures like this

are why basements and garages exist.

I was trying to prove a point.

See that's why I avoid relationships.

It's just too much. Who's right? Who's wrong?

Whose underwear is this? Just, it's too complicated.

What do you know about it anyway?

I mean, the longest you've ever been with a woman is two weeks.

How you supposed to get to know a woman over 10 working days?

I don't. See that's the difference between you and me.

I don't care about who you are.

I only care about what we do together.

Now if you want to do what I want to do,

then we do what we're gonna do.

Do you?

Hey, man, hate me if you want.

Who's the one of us who's having problems?

You think I'm wrong about Suzanne?

Who cares what name she uses?

Everybody knows Katie Holmes is married to Tom Cruise.

Okay, weird example. Umm...

Everybody knows Beyonce's married to Jay-Z.

MARTIN: In fact, I heard he's hyphenating his last name.

Now if Jigga doesn't have a problem with it, why should you?

Yeah, I know.

I'm allowed to say "Jigga," right?

Oh, umm, can I keep this?

Knock, Knock.

How was the movie?

Movie was good.

I like Will Smith. He funny.

Hey, Nick.

KIDS: Hey, Nick.Hey guys.

You wouldn't believe all the cool stuff that happened.

Uncle Terrence took us on the rooftop of the mall and showed us

where a crazy gunman got taken out with a single shot from a helicopter.

When did this happen?

A lot of things happen that you don't hear about, Dick.

It's because of people like me,

people like you don't know how dangerous this world really is.

Man, what are you talking about?

Look man, I don't have time,

and I'm not interested in explaining myself

to somebody that sleeps under the safety and comfort that I provide,

and then questions how I provide it.

Why don't you just say thank you and let's leave it at that?

Hello, big brother.Hello.

Why don't you guys go upstairs. Bring your stuff.

Okay, Mom.Hop to it.

LINDSEY: Bye, Uncle Terrence.Eat your vegetables.

LINDSEY: We will.KEVIN: Okay.

Moved all your stuff, huh?

Y'all patchin' things up?

No. And stay out of it.

I understand, lil' sis.

TERRENCE: But if you need to hide the body,

just let me know.

Yeah, he'll be in the bushes with a vat of acid.

You don't know that.

I could be anywhere.

I could be over there.Where?

[DOOR CLOSES]

So...

Is this your way of saying you're sorry,

you were stupid, and I was right?

Honey, I'm just trying to understand

where you're coming from with this.

You took back everything else.

What is your old sofa still doing here?

Honestly, I hate our sofa. I put it in storage.

Well, you better bring it back out 'cause I'm not sitting there.

Who knows what strange behinds have been sitting on that thing?

I bought this sofa when I started going out with you.

So you never...

Not on this.

Mmm.

[SIGHS] Nick, I know how important this is to you.

So if you want me to change my name, I'm willing to do it.

The reason I married you was because I love who you are.

If being Suzanne Kingston-Persons makes you that woman,

then I'm okay with that.

Just tell me what you think I should do.

I want you to do what you want to do.

If you wanted me to do what I wanted to do,

we wouldn't have this problem in the first place.

You are an independent woman. Make up your independent mind.

What kinda example are you setting for the kids

if you can't make a decision on matters affecting our family?

I tried to. You wouldn't let me.

Fine. Keep your name.

Don't tell me what to do!

Forget it.

I'll change mine.

What?

You heard me.

I'll change my name,

Nick Kingston-Persons.

Is that okay with you?

Yes.

I'm gonna go get ready for bed.

No! No. Don't change.

Keep that on. For me?

[BOTH SCREAMING]

LINDSEY: My eyes!KEVIN: Turn it off!

KEVIN: What is wrong with you, man?

What in the world are you two doing?

KEVIN: Uncle Terrence gave us these new night vision goggles.

We're trying them out.

You got another pair?

KEVIN: Sure.

LINDSEY: Here.

NICK: Let me talk to you guys for a second.

If it's okay with you guys,

I'm going to be Nick Kingston-Persons from now on.

Did Uncle Terrence threaten you again?

Yeah.

But it's because I love you.

NICK: I want us to be a family.

With one name.

KEVIN: You mean two names.

The same name.

Lindsey Kingston-Persons.

I like it.

Good.

So will it still bother you if we call you Nick?

No.

Do you have any suggestions for anything else that would bother you?

I'll see you in the morning.

I love you, guys.

BOTH: Goodnight.

[BOTH SCREAMING]

LINDSEY: Oh, my God!

KEVIN: What is wrong with you, man!

[CLOSING THEME MUSIC PLAYING]