Original subtitles

All right, what's the square root of nine?

Beavis and Butthead, do you know the answer?

Uh, can you, like, repeat the question a few times?

The square root of the number nine.

Answer, pronto.

Um, 60?

Uh, 90210?

Yeah, um, LMNOP?

I agree with him, boys. Your difficulties in math, as well as every

make it clear that you just don't belong in the ninth grade.

I'm calling the principal of Wilson Elementary School to arrange for you

go back one grade.

Uh, so, like, what grade would that put us in?

Yeah. Are we going to, like, be in college?

That would be cool.

Yeah, then we'd score.

Enjoy your new school, boys.

It is in these hills that Juan Valdez and his trusty goat gather coffee beans

every morning.

Yeah.

That guy's face.

Yeah.

I can make a face like that. Check this out.

That wasn't very good, but...

That was scary, man.

Yeah, that scared the bejeebus out of me.

Black

hole

sun.

Black hole sun.

Black hole?

Black hole?

Black hole?

Hey, Butter, what is a black hole?

Uh, it's sort of like a bunghole, but it's like... Whoa, Butter, check it out.

That's a chick from Whale, remember?

That hobo slumping, hobo slut, uh, remember?

Shut up, Beavis. I was explaining something.

Oh, okay.

So, like, the black hole is like this giant bunghole in outer space.

It's like it sucks up the whole universe, and then it's like it grinds

and, like, sends it all to hell or something.

Whoa, really?

Cool.

But, like, um, how do you know all this stuff? From watching Star Trek,

bunghole.

This sucks.

Yeah. Why do we have to, like, go back to eighth grade to get to college?

Cancel out the common factors, and we have x equals two squared.

So x is obviously two times two.

Have you ever, like, been with an older man?

Leave me alone, you loser.

Luthor. Shut up, dill hole.

Excuse me. Are you paying attention back there?

No.

What did I just say X is?

Two squared.

Two squared.

Two to the second power.

Four plus five? Come on. Four added to five?

Um, W?

No way, Beaver. Uh, like two squared or something?

This desk is giving me a stiffy. I don't even have room for a stiffy.

This sucks.

Hey, Beaver.

These ticks are flat.

Yeah.

Coming up next, Beavis tries the new morning after pill, and it worked. Stay

tuned.

So the mean, grumpy bear turned into a nice, happy bear.

And he lived happily ever after with the 100 jars of honey, minus one.

Numbers suck.

Are you angry, butthead? Yeah. I'm, like, angry at numbers.

Yeah. There's like too many of them and stuff.

That's okay. It's alright to be angry.

Everyone gets angry sometimes.

Well, let's do some coloring now. Won't that be fun?

What's with you, dumbass?

Coloring sucks.

Who wants juice and cookies?

Yeah. These cookies suck.

Do you have any, like, nachos?

No, I don't have any nachos. Sorry.

And I don't like spitting. Spitting can spread germs.

Germs. Germs.

Either get these imbeciles out of my class, or get yourself a new

teacher. Well, I could try sending them back to preschool, but eventually they'd

come back through here.

Uh, why don't you, like, put us in a higher grade? You know, where the chicks

have big thingies? Yeah, yeah, me too.

See what I mean?

Yes, I see.

Hey, these boys just gave me an idea.

You're looking at the brightest students that have ever passed through the

hallowed halls of Wilson Elementary School.

Yeah.

Whoa,

check it out, butthead.

There's a chick back there in that window. I think she's naked.

Shut up, Beaver.

No, she's not.

Okay. Okay.

Hey, Beavis, that guy said he hears dark voices in his head.

Oh, really?

I hear voices, too, but, like, usually they're white guys.

Sometimes it's, like, you know, a Chinese dude, too, that talks to me.

A couple Mexicans.

Really?

What does the Chinese guy say?

He says, hold on your pants.

Thank you, monkey.

What does a white guy say?

The same thing, but he talks just like me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, here we go. Yeah, come on, come on, hit it, hit it.

Come on, smack it.

Smack it, come on. Come on, what are you waiting for? Smack it.

Settle down, Viva.

This is a video.

Anytime you see a cake and a baseball bat in the same video, the cake is going

to get its ass kicked.

Yeah, but why do you wait so long? Come on, come on. Break it, break it. Smack

it, come on.

I don't see what the big deal is about breaking up. I'd just like to say, hey,

baby, get lost.

You know, we can, like, still do it and stuff, but I'm going to have to ask you

to leave. Hey, hey, hey, shut up, shut up, shut up.

Yeah! Yeah!

See?

I told you, butt -mon.

Stop,

pupils, my ass!

These two boys are morons!

You just weren't reaching them.

They've learned everything they're going to learn in elementary school.

Now their young minds need room to grow.

So we graduated them early, and we're not taking them back.

Uh, you just weren't reaching us, dude.

And if you try reaching for it, I'll kick you in the nab.

Oh, fuck crying out loud.

Hey,

maybe they'll break it.

What?

What's going on?

It sounds like everything else sounds like right now. Yeah, it's like there's

about a bazillion bands that sound exactly like this right now. Yeah.

At least they're breaking stuff.

Mm -hmm.

Whoa, they're putting honey on grapes?

Yeah, yeah.

That's cool.

Remember that movie where they buried that guy up to his neck, and then, like,

put honey on him and brought out the ants? Yeah.

That sounds cool.

Yeah.

I tried that once.

It was like, it was like, I buried myself up to my neck. And it was like, I

forgot to get the honey.

You dumbass.

So I was like, so then I dug myself out. But it was like, I was too lazy. And

I'm like, you know, do it again.

Yeah.

Remember that time I tried to bury you up to your neck? Yeah, but you did it

wrong. The guy in the movie looked like a beetroot.

Oh, yeah.

Then you got all freaked out and ran up and down the street with your pants

around your ankle.

I didn't really run. I just kind of hopped.

Cool.