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1
00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074
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Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Robin Williams!
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Thank you!
4
00:00:55,193 --> 00:00:57,708
Oh, please!
5
00:00:58,998 --> 00:01:00,057
Sit the fuck down!
6
00:01:00,950 --> 00:01:02,075
Thank you!
7
00:01:02,968 --> 00:01:04,126
Thank you!
8
00:01:05,087 --> 00:01:06,740
Thank you!
9
00:01:07,535 --> 00:01:09,553
Oh, yes!
10
00:01:09,587 --> 00:01:12,928
Oh, yes, my little
semain headed friend!
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That's it! Good night!
Thank you very much!
12
00:01:16,931 --> 00:01:19,908
Thank you for the standing ovation,
you made the orgasm up front.
13
00:01:20,074 --> 00:01:22,291
Let's have a cigarette, let's relax.
14
00:01:22,688 --> 00:01:26,162
We're here in New York,
fucking New York!
15
00:01:27,287 --> 00:01:28,842
Yes!
16
00:01:30,364 --> 00:01:35,062
Obviously this is not gonna
be your normal night of theater!
17
00:01:35,624 --> 00:01:38,535
This will be Shakespeare
with a strap-on!
18
00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:41,647
So that's the way you like it!
19
00:01:41,500 --> 00:01:45,936
Welcome to my lovely set which is
from the musical "Fantastic Voyage"!
20
00:01:46,737 --> 00:01:50,306
Or maybe the last thing
a clitoris sees!
21
00:01:52,375 --> 00:01:55,410
I'm over here!
22
00:01:55,444 --> 00:01:57,445
I'm down here!
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00:01:58,147 --> 00:02:01,682
This is brought to you by HBO,
which is subsidiary of Time Warner,
24
00:02:01,716 --> 00:02:03,384
also owned by
America On Line...
25
00:02:03,584 --> 00:02:05,585
"You've got mail".
I hope you don't have stocks!
26
00:02:07,053 --> 00:02:08,387
Welcome!
27
00:02:09,555 --> 00:02:10,822
Don't be afraid!
28
00:02:12,525 --> 00:02:14,692
It was so reassuring
the other day...
29
00:02:14,726 --> 00:02:17,662
George W. Bush talked
to the stock market and...
30
00:02:19,130 --> 00:02:21,732
It must be him
talking about business ethics
31
00:02:21,864 --> 00:02:23,833
it's kinda like having
a leopard give you a facial.
32
00:02:23,900 --> 00:02:25,902
It doesn't really work!
33
00:02:27,837 --> 00:02:30,271
"A lot of our imports
come from other countries".
34
00:02:30,305 --> 00:02:32,240
No shit?!
35
00:02:33,808 --> 00:02:36,277
Moving right along...
36
00:02:37,144 --> 00:02:39,880
Meanwhile,
Michael is protesting...
37
00:02:43,983 --> 00:02:45,351
I don't know, baby...
38
00:02:46,319 --> 00:02:49,087
It was strange enought when Michael
was the best man at Lisa's wedding.
39
00:02:49,120 --> 00:02:52,723
That for me was like,
"You're pushing the term, my man"!
40
00:02:53,258 --> 00:02:57,427
That was a pretty short list.
Was Richard Simmons hunting?
41
00:02:57,461 --> 00:03:00,897
- "What are you doing"?
- "I'm the best man"!
42
00:03:01,231 --> 00:03:03,532
Now Michael is claming rasism.
43
00:03:03,599 --> 00:03:06,135
I'm going,
"Honey, you gotta pick a race first".
44
00:03:12,774 --> 00:03:16,509
"What are you claiming,
mistreatment of elves"?
45
00:03:16,542 --> 00:03:19,946
"Girl, you gotta pick a gender, too.
What are you going for"?
46
00:03:19,979 --> 00:03:23,448
"You were Diana Ross.
Now you've just left it all behind".
47
00:03:24,452 --> 00:03:29,257
Michael, you're not a freak.
You're just surgically enhanced...
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00:03:29,324 --> 00:03:33,093
And you spend more money
than the Vatican.
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00:03:34,227 --> 00:03:35,428
If you go to Neverland, it says
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00:03:35,561 --> 00:03:38,030
"You must be this
high to ride Michael".
51
00:03:45,269 --> 00:03:49,940
Obviously, people and the lawyers
for HBO are going, "Fuck"!
52
00:03:50,107 --> 00:03:52,142
But how fucked up
do you have to be
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00:03:52,275 --> 00:03:54,910
for Al Sharpton to go,
"I'm outta here, man"!
54
00:04:03,618 --> 00:04:05,319
If Al Sharpton bails on your ass,
55
00:04:05,453 --> 00:04:08,655
even rats are going,
"Man, that guy's quick"!
56
00:04:08,822 --> 00:04:11,857
"From the Don King School
of hair processing..."
57
00:04:12,323 --> 00:04:14,492
He's running for
office in Idaho on the
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00:04:14,660 --> 00:04:19,164
"What a fucking, wild, crazy chance
in hell you'll be elected" ticket.
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00:04:19,230 --> 00:04:22,266
Sorry, my lips just went,
"What the fuck did you say"?
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00:04:22,900 --> 00:04:25,935
Couple of dyslexic people went,
"Thank you, Robin"!
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00:04:27,203 --> 00:04:28,104
"Thank you"!
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00:04:28,670 --> 00:04:30,972
We were worried about
the pledge of allegiance.
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We were gonna say
"One nation under dog"!
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00:04:32,941 --> 00:04:34,976
It's OK.
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00:04:35,010 --> 00:04:37,444
I know people are going
"I've got a cure for this"!
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00:04:37,477 --> 00:04:40,548
"One nation under Canada,
above Mexico".
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00:04:42,649 --> 00:04:43,751
But then you have to the whole...
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00:04:43,884 --> 00:04:47,720
There's anthems like
"Someone bless America"!
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00:04:48,420 --> 00:04:50,923
On the dollar bill, instead
of "In God We Trust",
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00:04:51,055 --> 00:04:53,324
"In Gates We Trust"!
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00:04:53,525 --> 00:04:55,660
"Mr. Gates, when did you realize
you are creating monopoly"?
72
00:04:55,827 --> 00:04:56,893
"Monopoly is just a game, senator".
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00:04:57,028 --> 00:04:59,495
"I'm trying to control
the fucking world".
74
00:05:00,597 --> 00:05:03,667
Don't you see Windows Millenium?
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00:05:03,799 --> 00:05:05,601
It's all leading to
Information Technology.
76
00:05:05,768 --> 00:05:08,504
Soon it will be Total
Information Technology, "TIT".
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And when you're sucking on the tit,
I have you by the motherboard.
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00:05:14,541 --> 00:05:15,942
Don't be afraid!
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00:05:16,845 --> 00:05:19,045
It's a nice day
in New York, my people.
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00:05:19,078 --> 00:05:23,082
NY police have a catch and
release program. Way to go!
81
00:05:24,716 --> 00:05:27,818
Stop! OK, go on again!
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You're it!
Get the fuck outta here!
83
00:05:32,757 --> 00:05:36,493
I like NY on a day like today. For a
while everything went like "are you OK"?.
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00:05:36,692 --> 00:05:40,562
People're back to being newyorkers
like "Have a nice day, asshole"!
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"Fuck you, my friend!
Enjoy your day"!
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00:05:44,465 --> 00:05:47,869
But the most beautiful thing about
a day like today in this NY is
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00:05:47,935 --> 00:05:50,771
that the ladies
take the twins for a walk!
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00:05:50,804 --> 00:05:53,640
Oh, yeah, the tities are out today!
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00:05:54,673 --> 00:05:59,545
On a hot day all the tities are out
there. And like God made them go...
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00:06:00,445 --> 00:06:03,915
Beautiful tiddies, all shapes, sizes
and women running, they are going...
91
00:06:04,983 --> 00:06:08,086
And then they hit a
breeze and "chicken's done"!
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00:06:09,387 --> 00:06:11,754
Yes!
Yeah, baby!
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00:06:13,321 --> 00:06:14,724
These are not like
the tits in Vegas,
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00:06:14,891 --> 00:06:17,426
where even God goes
"I didn't make those"!
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00:06:19,728 --> 00:06:21,929
Weird tits. You know
fake tits are like nazis.
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00:06:22,063 --> 00:06:24,098
They don't laugh,
they don't dance, they're just...
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00:06:25,698 --> 00:06:27,600
"I'm walking here"!
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00:06:27,901 --> 00:06:30,836
I've seen a woman turn
and the tits stayed there.
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00:06:33,806 --> 00:06:38,376
Babies, lucky they don't have any
teeth becayse they'd knock them out.
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00:06:38,643 --> 00:06:40,411
I've seen tits that are really bad,
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like they had the nipples on the top,
it looked like Kilroy.
102
00:06:48,584 --> 00:06:53,989
When you go up Madison Avenue
you see some hardcore surgery like...
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00:06:55,790 --> 00:06:58,892
"I'm so scared,
but I can't express it".
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00:07:01,195 --> 00:07:04,097
These are the ladies who've had
so much surgery, they're going
105
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"What are these lumps
under my eyes"?
106
00:07:05,465 --> 00:07:07,266
"Those are your tits, madam"!
107
00:07:09,234 --> 00:07:12,537
- And what's this?
- Don't ask, Mrs. Trotski!
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00:07:13,637 --> 00:07:16,906
This is good news for you.
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00:07:17,376 --> 00:07:20,410
And girls getting
Botox injections...?
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- Look, I don't have any wrinkles.
- You also have no expression.
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00:07:25,981 --> 00:07:28,984
You look like you've had
a slight coma, but you're beautiful.
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00:07:30,386 --> 00:07:36,523
When guys say to you "Baby, I want
you to get your tits done for me, OK"?
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"Do it for me.
Do it for your daddy man".
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00:07:40,060 --> 00:07:41,994
And you say
"OK, daddy man"!
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00:07:42,596 --> 00:07:45,765
"Then I want you to get
your balls done for me, OK"?
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00:07:46,931 --> 00:07:49,933
I want you to get
those big old basket balls.
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00:07:50,367 --> 00:07:53,870
So when you do the baywatch
thing, it's like...
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00:07:54,905 --> 00:07:59,708
Nothing drives a woman crazy like a
big old Easter basket on her bunny.
119
00:08:01,210 --> 00:08:04,545
So you go to the doctor...
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00:08:08,349 --> 00:08:10,484
Payback's a bitch!
Go for it, girls!
121
00:08:11,117 --> 00:08:14,686
Because you went through a hard time.
This whole winter was so bizarre.
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Temperatures were like 80, 20,
30, 50. It was fucking weird!
123
00:08:20,425 --> 00:08:21,927
The weathermen are going,
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00:08:22,027 --> 00:08:24,327
"I don't fucking
know what's going on"!
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00:08:25,063 --> 00:08:27,597
"Let's just see what happens".
126
00:08:28,066 --> 00:08:31,568
Flowers were like Anne Heche
going "I'm out, I'm in, I'm out..."
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00:08:33,369 --> 00:08:35,236
"I don't know where to go"!
128
00:08:41,975 --> 00:08:46,580
George came back from Japan, he went
"I went to the Coyote Conference"
129
00:08:46,647 --> 00:08:49,716
- No, it's Kyoto.
- That's a very good car.
130
00:08:50,483 --> 00:08:53,018
George, walk away.
131
00:08:54,019 --> 00:08:55,287
And they say there's no global warming,
132
00:08:55,420 --> 00:08:57,689
but right now the
North Pole is a pool.
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It is beyond global warming,
at this point it is cooking.
134
00:09:03,494 --> 00:09:06,031
It's 105 in the middle of the country,
and people come up going,
135
00:09:06,193 --> 00:09:08,231
"Is it hot enough for you"?
136
00:09:08,765 --> 00:09:12,735
"No, I like sweat to be rolling down
the crack of my ass like Niagra".
137
00:09:14,036 --> 00:09:18,004
"I like my old man
tities to lactate, my man".
138
00:09:18,506 --> 00:09:23,009
You see people in shorts and you're
going "Please, don't wear those"!
139
00:09:23,609 --> 00:09:25,945
"Oh please, don't put those on"!
140
00:09:26,413 --> 00:09:27,979
If you go to South West Airline
they're going,
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00:09:28,114 --> 00:09:31,750
"Sorry, you're not fat,
you're horizontally challenged".
142
00:09:32,383 --> 00:09:35,987
Big people at South West
Airlines have buy two seats.
143
00:09:36,153 --> 00:09:38,222
The problem is that
they are not together.
144
00:09:41,325 --> 00:09:44,160
And you have to put your
tits in the overhead rack.
145
00:09:44,326 --> 00:09:47,195
People don't mind now.
We're working our way through.
146
00:09:47,396 --> 00:09:49,364
All over the country
you've got weird things.
147
00:09:49,531 --> 00:09:51,832
In Houston they got Enron field.
148
00:09:51,966 --> 00:09:55,002
"We were gonna call it
5th Amendment field but fuck..."
149
00:09:56,003 --> 00:09:58,904
We can't call it
"We're fucked field"!
150
00:09:59,205 --> 00:10:02,907
"Arthur Anderson put in the
chairs, they spin both ways".
151
00:10:04,075 --> 00:10:08,545
And now Martha Stuart
may become somebody's bitch.
152
00:10:10,114 --> 00:10:12,283
No!
153
00:10:13,518 --> 00:10:15,018
Say it ain't so!
154
00:10:15,952 --> 00:10:18,822
I like to consider it more
like "severe companion".
155
00:10:19,922 --> 00:10:23,591
If you only have one room, and I
like to call it my "private space",
156
00:10:23,758 --> 00:10:28,696
use the light well. You have vertical
bars, don't use horizontal blinds.
157
00:10:29,430 --> 00:10:33,199
Also, think of your ankle
bracelet as an accessory.
158
00:10:34,067 --> 00:10:39,304
The first time she has lunch going
"You call this keesh"?
159
00:10:39,438 --> 00:10:43,275
Shut up, bitch!
You're inside now, you're mine!
160
00:10:47,078 --> 00:10:51,447
All over things have been going good.
I've been to Memphis, to Graceland.
161
00:10:51,514 --> 00:10:54,850
I never knew that Ray Charles
had a decorating license.
162
00:10:54,917 --> 00:10:56,518
They're some severe...
163
00:10:56,651 --> 00:11:00,388
They're colours there that
have never seen daylight.
164
00:11:00,789 --> 00:11:03,657
I've been to Nashville, I've heard
people sing songs like
165
00:11:03,824 --> 00:11:08,928
"Take your finger outta my ass,
cause I'm leaving you behind"!
166
00:11:09,762 --> 00:11:14,533
Funny ass shit people do now.
I'm sweatin' like crazy up here.
167
00:11:14,567 --> 00:11:17,736
It's HBO, cause it's live.
168
00:11:21,740 --> 00:11:24,341
People playing baseball.
You've got a good seat.
169
00:11:24,507 --> 00:11:26,308
Yankees are kicking
again, way to go!
170
00:11:30,846 --> 00:11:32,947
You did a good job.
It came through.
171
00:11:33,081 --> 00:11:36,784
Everybody's worried about people
playing baseball on steroids.
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00:11:37,251 --> 00:11:39,586
Here's one quick way you tell
173
00:11:39,720 --> 00:11:43,523
on steroids, your balls shrink
and your head grows.
174
00:11:43,691 --> 00:11:45,025
So if someone steps up to the plate
175
00:11:45,157 --> 00:11:48,028
with a Mardi Gras head and
Raisinettes, "You're out"!
176
00:11:49,928 --> 00:11:52,031
Poor Barry Bonds!
They won't pitch to him
177
00:11:52,197 --> 00:11:53,298
and when they do it,
they're trying to kill him.
178
00:11:53,332 --> 00:11:55,566
He's like Yasser Arafat
of baseball.
179
00:11:57,434 --> 00:12:00,070
For Jerusalem I have
an interesting plan.
180
00:12:00,236 --> 00:12:03,073
It's called a timeshare,
like Miami, let's try that.
181
00:12:03,472 --> 00:12:06,275
Jews will get Hanukah and Passover,
182
00:12:06,442 --> 00:12:08,977
Christians will get
Christmas and Easter
183
00:12:09,010 --> 00:12:12,313
and Muslims will have Ramadan
and that other holiday, Kaboom.
184
00:12:14,715 --> 00:12:18,951
Obviously, the people of HBO
are going "Oh, fuck off"!
185
00:12:19,118 --> 00:12:21,019
"What are you doing, you asshole"!
186
00:12:23,323 --> 00:12:25,991
I'm very excited
because this is my time
187
00:12:26,158 --> 00:12:28,893
when I was watching
World Cup Soccer, my man.
188
00:12:29,061 --> 00:12:30,761
I saw world cup, baby.
189
00:12:30,928 --> 00:12:33,730
There's a few soccer fans,
the rest of you are going
190
00:12:33,763 --> 00:12:36,866
"Uh, that's like football
without pads, right"?
191
00:12:37,067 --> 00:12:39,134
For the rest of the
world, it's football.
192
00:12:39,269 --> 00:12:42,203
For us, it's "A strange sport,
played by damaged people".
193
00:12:43,104 --> 00:12:45,506
We made it in the World Cup.
Everybody plays it.
194
00:12:45,573 --> 00:12:48,576
Not like the World Series, cause the
French don't have a baseball team.
195
00:12:49,010 --> 00:12:52,746
If they did, they would only have
left field and no one would be safe.
196
00:12:52,879 --> 00:12:55,281
You know what I'm saying?
197
00:12:55,682 --> 00:13:00,052
What can you do, huh?
It is Bastille day, alore!
198
00:13:02,654 --> 00:13:07,024
The day that Marie Antoinette
gave the ultimate head. Look out!
199
00:13:07,091 --> 00:13:10,160
We are French. Fuck you, Americans,
I don't care!
200
00:13:11,261 --> 00:13:15,131
My friend Lance Armstrong is racing
right now in The Tour du France.
201
00:13:15,297 --> 00:13:18,633
And every year the French
go, "He is on chemicals".
202
00:13:18,767 --> 00:13:21,836
"It's chemotherapy,
you little toad sucker".
203
00:13:22,938 --> 00:13:26,140
Okay, he has one testicle,
he's aerodynamic.
204
00:13:27,475 --> 00:13:30,242
Everyone, cut off your balls.
You'll be quicker, do it!
205
00:13:30,977 --> 00:13:32,578
Don't be afraid.
206
00:13:33,746 --> 00:13:38,082
When you look at the World Cup,
America finally made it.
207
00:13:38,216 --> 00:13:41,619
We made it to the sixteen, baby!
208
00:13:44,621 --> 00:13:49,426
We're no longer in the
"Special Olympics" category.
209
00:13:50,092 --> 00:13:53,396
They used to see us coming "Give
it to them, they're damaged people"!
210
00:13:53,896 --> 00:13:58,932
Thank you for the ball.
I got a ball. I shoot the ball!
211
00:13:59,533 --> 00:14:04,337
Unlike the Brazilians.
When they play is like...
212
00:14:05,705 --> 00:14:08,374
And the fans are like...
213
00:14:09,241 --> 00:14:12,310
Brazilians are going
"Look, I'm playing soccer..."
214
00:14:12,377 --> 00:14:15,079
"Look, I'm scoring"!
215
00:14:15,112 --> 00:14:17,982
"And now I'm kicking the ball".
216
00:14:18,348 --> 00:14:23,186
Soccer is kinda mellow, you know.
Is a little passive agressive though.
217
00:14:23,553 --> 00:14:27,356
I didn't do anything...
What are you looking at?
218
00:14:27,389 --> 00:14:29,390
It's not like hockey, when someone
comes up with a stick and goes
219
00:14:29,557 --> 00:14:30,525
"Bang, motherfucker"!
220
00:14:30,725 --> 00:14:32,860
That's why there are no
Spanish hockey players.
221
00:14:33,026 --> 00:14:35,128
When a white guy takes
a stick and goes...
222
00:14:35,629 --> 00:14:37,831
"Motherfucker, I'm going
to cut you off now"!
223
00:14:38,632 --> 00:14:42,935
"And you, Freddie Krugger bitch,
take off the mask, motherfucker"!
224
00:14:42,969 --> 00:14:45,104
"Coming in there!
Goddamnit"!
225
00:14:46,405 --> 00:14:51,442
Sometimes guys do this weird thing...
They fall down and pretend like...
226
00:14:51,575 --> 00:14:57,548
"I've been killed...
I've been blinded..."
227
00:14:58,348 --> 00:15:03,619
"There's nobody near me, huh?
OK, I'm kidding"!
228
00:15:04,519 --> 00:15:07,388
And the referee comes over,
"Yellow card"!
229
00:15:08,322 --> 00:15:10,625
Two yellow cards,
"Red card"!
230
00:15:11,024 --> 00:15:14,227
Hold on, three cards,
"Green card"!
231
00:15:15,427 --> 00:15:17,162
And the referee is so sweet, too.
232
00:15:19,398 --> 00:15:23,635
"What's your name?
Turn around".
233
00:15:27,005 --> 00:15:29,439
"Why didn't you call me
after the Mexico game"?
234
00:15:33,209 --> 00:15:38,379
Not like football referees who have
that "too much commercial time"!
235
00:15:38,813 --> 00:15:41,649
Mad white man dancing on the field!
236
00:15:43,817 --> 00:15:46,020
Moving away.
Moving away.
237
00:15:49,022 --> 00:15:52,057
In the World Cup they always
claim there's bad refereeing,
238
00:15:52,191 --> 00:15:53,259
someone may have been paid off.
239
00:15:53,725 --> 00:15:55,861
Oh, shit, say it ain't so!
240
00:15:56,428 --> 00:16:00,430
You're telling me that the Oscars
are also political? Fuck off!
241
00:16:02,599 --> 00:16:05,068
There's a game mafia!
242
00:16:09,138 --> 00:16:12,574
The mov-hand!
243
00:16:12,740 --> 00:16:18,446
Fairy Godfather, "Does this
pistol make my ass look big"?
244
00:16:20,481 --> 00:16:24,151
If you go to LA, there's a great
greeting these people do, "Love ya"!
245
00:16:24,384 --> 00:16:27,954
"Love you"!
"Hey, love you"!
246
00:16:35,492 --> 00:16:41,131
The worst refereeing was in the
Winter Olympics with the French judge.
247
00:16:41,264 --> 00:16:43,198
Once again, the
French fuck with us!
248
00:16:44,300 --> 00:16:48,502
The Canadians, they skate perfectly.
"We did it perfect, huh"!
249
00:16:48,704 --> 00:16:51,473
And then the Russians
they come and fuck up
250
00:16:51,639 --> 00:16:56,076
and the French judge went, "How lifelike,
they fucked up, I give it to them, eh"?
251
00:16:56,476 --> 00:17:00,113
At that point I'm going "Where is
Tanya Harding when you need her"?
252
00:17:01,047 --> 00:17:05,150
Tanya would've been on that
judge like shit on Velcro.
253
00:17:05,184 --> 00:17:09,120
"Give me that medal,
you French whore"!
254
00:17:11,421 --> 00:17:13,358
"I won"!
255
00:17:14,424 --> 00:17:17,394
Instead we get to see
Tanya fight Paula Jones
256
00:17:17,526 --> 00:17:19,862
in an all white trash weekend.
257
00:17:22,632 --> 00:17:25,000
Trailer park Tuesday!
258
00:17:25,268 --> 00:17:31,137
Tanya went right for the nose,
"Not the nose, that's the Clinton money"!
259
00:17:31,939 --> 00:17:35,241
Next is gonna be Joey Butafuoco
fights John Wayne Bobbit.
260
00:17:35,275 --> 00:17:38,310
There will be no hitting
bellow the belt there, my friend.
261
00:17:39,011 --> 00:17:43,181
"Fuck, man, give that back!
My balls are in the front row"!
262
00:17:43,781 --> 00:17:47,919
What's next? "The Nixon daughters
battle for the library money".
263
00:17:48,519 --> 00:17:51,588
"Be there as my bitches go at it"!
264
00:17:51,888 --> 00:17:53,356
At this point, even
Caligula is going,
265
00:17:53,423 --> 00:17:56,158
"What the fuck
are you people doing"?
266
00:17:56,293 --> 00:17:58,260
Why don't you have
Hannibal Lector on Iron Chef
267
00:17:58,394 --> 00:18:00,461
just kick out the jams?
268
00:18:00,495 --> 00:18:04,432
Cause we've got The Chamber,
The Chair, Fear Factor.
269
00:18:04,566 --> 00:18:07,834
People in Texas are going
"We got those shows".
270
00:18:09,102 --> 00:18:12,506
"We just don't film'em".
271
00:18:12,539 --> 00:18:17,142
Two weeks ago, the Supreme Court banned
the execution of retarded people.
272
00:18:17,174 --> 00:18:20,211
People in Texas are going,
"Shit, where's the fun now"?
273
00:18:21,111 --> 00:18:23,947
Cause they were zapping retarded
people every other week.
274
00:18:24,081 --> 00:18:26,583
It was like, "Go sit on
Santa's lap, Timmy".
275
00:18:32,521 --> 00:18:36,425
And I know the definition of
"retarded" in Texas is pretty wide.
276
00:18:43,196 --> 00:18:44,531
It's crazy!
277
00:18:50,036 --> 00:18:53,437
Even the Taliban is going
"You are crazy motherfuckers"!
278
00:18:53,805 --> 00:18:56,007
There was a guy with one leg. They
weren't gonna give him a wodden leg.
279
00:18:56,173 --> 00:18:58,443
He was gonna be dead man hopping.
280
00:19:01,845 --> 00:19:05,181
There is a moment of compassion.
Before the lethal injection,
281
00:19:05,314 --> 00:19:07,516
they do an alcohol swab,
which is so nice!
282
00:19:11,486 --> 00:19:12,920
"What the fuck are you doing"?
283
00:19:13,955 --> 00:19:18,157
"We don't want you to get
that last-second infection"!
284
00:19:19,892 --> 00:19:22,060
"It's all safe now".
285
00:19:22,729 --> 00:19:26,932
You remember the Winter Olympics.
They had them in Utah. Great place!
286
00:19:26,965 --> 00:19:29,934
What, was Amish country booked,
what happened?
287
00:19:29,967 --> 00:19:34,805
"Come on down to Salt Lake!
We're gonna party like it's 1955".
288
00:19:35,238 --> 00:19:38,608
"Bring your wives. Oops!
Come on down"!
289
00:19:39,008 --> 00:19:41,076
At the closing ceremony
they introduced
290
00:19:41,244 --> 00:19:44,045
Donnie and Marie,
as the first couple of Utah.
291
00:19:45,213 --> 00:19:51,251
I went "Uh-uh, honey, no!
They're only a couple in Arkansas".
292
00:19:55,354 --> 00:19:59,992
If you're going to Georgia,
Ted Turner and Jane Fonda broke up.
293
00:20:00,592 --> 00:20:04,929
Jane found God
and Ted found out it wasn't him.
294
00:20:06,531 --> 00:20:07,865
We're at the olympics once again,
295
00:20:07,997 --> 00:20:10,968
we're talking about
the figure skating.
296
00:20:11,001 --> 00:20:13,670
I find the figure skating
to be kinda sexy.
297
00:20:14,203 --> 00:20:17,439
Not ice dancing, which is polka
on Valium. That's not good.
298
00:20:18,440 --> 00:20:21,676
There's that pairs figure skating.
There's that one very special lift.
299
00:20:21,709 --> 00:20:23,778
Where the male skater goes...
300
00:20:24,477 --> 00:20:25,880
Right here!
301
00:20:26,179 --> 00:20:29,616
Where even a gynecologist would go
"Put on a glove, man"!
302
00:20:29,982 --> 00:20:33,619
Who's your daddy?
Who's your daddy?
303
00:20:36,088 --> 00:20:37,455
And I'm going
"Let's cut the foreplay,"
304
00:20:37,589 --> 00:20:39,723
"let's have ice fucking,
come on"!
305
00:20:53,736 --> 00:20:58,240
And she holds on without her hands!
306
00:21:14,718 --> 00:21:18,389
Even the French judge would go
"I like it"!
307
00:21:18,556 --> 00:21:22,792
"I don't care. I'm giving them
the medal. Fuck the Canadians"!
308
00:21:22,826 --> 00:21:24,927
"So fabulous"!
309
00:21:25,629 --> 00:21:29,264
There's other kinda sexual things
in the Olympics, there's the louge,
310
00:21:29,431 --> 00:21:30,632
about which I have only one question.
311
00:21:30,766 --> 00:21:35,035
What drunken, German gynecologist
invented that sport?
312
00:21:36,670 --> 00:21:39,740
"You know what? I want
to dress like a sperm,"
313
00:21:39,907 --> 00:21:43,776
"shove an ice skate in my ass,"
314
00:21:43,809 --> 00:21:47,312
"and go balls first
down an ice chute".
315
00:21:47,745 --> 00:21:50,615
"Ya! That would be fun".
316
00:21:52,483 --> 00:21:55,052
No! This is for pussies!
317
00:21:55,552 --> 00:21:57,987
- How will you stir?
- I will do kegels!
318
00:21:59,222 --> 00:22:02,056
"I will flex my ass
and go down the ramp"!
319
00:22:03,659 --> 00:22:06,528
And do not talk to me
about the two men louge.
320
00:22:06,694 --> 00:22:08,863
I'm saying "Boys, get a room"!
321
00:22:08,896 --> 00:22:12,165
"Make that turn, you bastard, make it"!
322
00:22:12,333 --> 00:22:14,902
"Hard right, you fucker, hard right"!
323
00:22:15,569 --> 00:22:20,639
Pour guy gets to the end of the run
"I got wood man, I'm sorry"!
324
00:22:20,773 --> 00:22:22,508
"You cost us the race"!
325
00:22:22,874 --> 00:22:25,810
"Your penis going frr was
200 of a second winds resistance"!
326
00:22:26,945 --> 00:22:29,013
"We could've won if you
weren't going brrring"!
327
00:22:29,412 --> 00:22:31,048
"Dolphin boy"!
328
00:22:34,684 --> 00:22:37,085
There's always some
horrible drug scandal.
329
00:22:37,118 --> 00:22:39,554
This year was a Spanish
cross-country skilor...
330
00:22:39,621 --> 00:22:40,888
Skilor, which is like a skier.
331
00:22:42,357 --> 00:22:45,492
- Are you a skilor?
- Yes!
332
00:22:47,294 --> 00:22:52,297
They accused him of taking
some performance enhancing drug.
333
00:22:52,331 --> 00:22:55,300
Like an elephant growth hormone.
334
00:22:55,434 --> 00:22:57,869
"Are you on some sort of drug"?
335
00:22:59,871 --> 00:23:02,405
"Are you taking an
animal tranquilizer"?
336
00:23:04,775 --> 00:23:10,513
And they didn't bother
drug testing the snowboarders.
337
00:23:11,146 --> 00:23:13,883
"Go, go my little boys, have fun"!
338
00:23:15,017 --> 00:23:18,319
I guess they realized the word
"half pipe" ment something.
339
00:23:19,887 --> 00:23:23,089
Remember the kid who
won the gold medal?
340
00:23:23,222 --> 00:23:24,892
He was in freestyle.
341
00:23:24,925 --> 00:23:30,195
- You wanna be on a box of Whities?
- No. Count Chocula.
342
00:23:30,228 --> 00:23:32,464
A-ha! A clue, Sherlock!
343
00:23:33,598 --> 00:23:36,099
The poor Canadian snowboarder,
in the 1998 Olympics,
344
00:23:36,233 --> 00:23:38,936
they took away his medal because
he tested positive for marijuana,
345
00:23:39,036 --> 00:23:40,104
which is kinda redundant number one.
346
00:23:40,170 --> 00:23:45,274
Number two, they said that marijuana
was a "performance-enhancing drug".
347
00:23:49,310 --> 00:23:53,382
Marijuana enhances many things,
colors, tastes, sensations,
348
00:23:53,448 --> 00:23:56,049
but you are certainly
not fucking empowered.
349
00:23:57,417 --> 00:24:01,154
When you're stoned, you're lucky if
you can find your own goddamn feet.
350
00:24:01,954 --> 00:24:04,023
The only way it's a
performance-enhancing drug is
351
00:24:04,156 --> 00:24:06,457
if there's a big fucking Hershey
bar at the end of the run.
352
00:24:08,928 --> 00:24:10,961
Then you'll be like...
353
00:24:12,897 --> 00:24:16,632
Then you'll be like a Swiss
ski jumper going, "I'm there"!
354
00:24:16,999 --> 00:24:19,268
Pour Canadian snowboarder.
They asked for his medal back
355
00:24:19,435 --> 00:24:22,104
and he couldn't find it. It
was around his fucking neck!
356
00:24:22,871 --> 00:24:25,940
Get out of here, you little
goofy Canadian bastard, eh?
357
00:24:26,507 --> 00:24:28,310
They have weird sports
like the Biathalon
358
00:24:28,443 --> 00:24:30,544
which is like Norwegian drive-by.
359
00:24:33,279 --> 00:24:34,681
"Get the TV, Hans"!
360
00:24:37,250 --> 00:24:41,720
The Canadians won the
gold medal in hockey.
361
00:24:41,887 --> 00:24:46,757
God bless you Canadian people.
362
00:24:46,791 --> 00:24:49,093
You're so fucking nice, eh?
363
00:24:49,826 --> 00:24:52,629
It's your only
fucking sport, come on!
364
00:24:53,996 --> 00:24:55,698
That and a mutant form of football.
365
00:24:55,865 --> 00:24:57,265
"We've got 13 men, we
have a longer field"
366
00:24:57,466 --> 00:24:59,168
"No, you have fun, enjoy"!
367
00:25:01,169 --> 00:25:04,905
Canada's like a loft apartment
over a really great party.
368
00:25:08,408 --> 00:25:10,743
"Keep it down, eh"?
369
00:25:14,213 --> 00:25:17,949
"We are nice. We have Jean Chritien,
our great prime minister".
370
00:25:17,983 --> 00:25:21,219
He was the only man in the world who said,
"I don't need no secret service"
371
00:25:21,253 --> 00:25:23,888
"If a guy comes to hit me,
I fucking knock him out, eh"?
372
00:25:24,220 --> 00:25:27,991
"I'm Jean Chritien which versus
your president, who's a cretin".
373
00:25:28,190 --> 00:25:32,094
Quebec keeps wanting to break away from
Canada, but still keep the currency.
374
00:25:32,928 --> 00:25:34,129
It's like a kid moving
out of the house,
375
00:25:34,263 --> 00:25:36,465
-But I still would like to get money.
-Fuck off you!
376
00:25:38,266 --> 00:25:41,569
Canadian money is also
called the Looney.
377
00:25:41,735 --> 00:25:44,436
How can you take an
economic crisis seriously?
378
00:25:46,039 --> 00:25:49,141
- The Looney is down!
- Oh, how sad for you!
379
00:25:49,807 --> 00:25:50,975
What are you saying, eh?
380
00:25:52,177 --> 00:25:56,514
Everyone was so happy that at the
Olympics the security was so tight.
381
00:25:56,780 --> 00:25:58,283
"Security was amazing
at the Olympics".
382
00:25:58,449 --> 00:26:01,250
Utah's the whitest
fucking State in the Union!
383
00:26:02,051 --> 00:26:06,022
An Arab in Utah is like an albino
at the Apollo. You would notice!
384
00:26:10,125 --> 00:26:15,663
- We found one!
- He's just tanned. Everybody off!
385
00:26:15,863 --> 00:26:19,099
The problem was that there was
basically white powder everywhere.
386
00:26:19,233 --> 00:26:20,699
All the dogs looking
for anthrax were going
387
00:26:23,136 --> 00:26:24,937
"You go, man, you go"!
388
00:26:25,370 --> 00:26:27,639
Pour dogs they looked
for anthrax and cocain.
389
00:26:27,738 --> 00:26:29,640
In the cage at the end
of the day they're going
390
00:26:29,807 --> 00:26:32,609
"I can't taste my ass,
I don't know why..."
391
00:26:35,178 --> 00:26:37,012
"It's my tail"!
392
00:26:39,015 --> 00:26:40,749
Meanwhile your cat
sits over there going
393
00:26:40,916 --> 00:26:43,152
"You're still an
asshole, you know that".
394
00:26:43,985 --> 00:26:47,154
Is it me, or are cats drag queens?
395
00:26:47,555 --> 00:26:49,423
The way they kinda go
"Who loves Kitty"?
396
00:26:54,293 --> 00:26:55,627
"Are these your shoes"?
397
00:26:58,230 --> 00:27:00,533
Who loves Kitty?
Who loves Kitty?
398
00:27:01,333 --> 00:27:04,102
Male cats have that amazing thing,
399
00:27:04,202 --> 00:27:06,704
where they kinda walk around going
"That's mine"!
400
00:27:09,073 --> 00:27:11,407
"Mine"!
401
00:27:12,342 --> 00:27:14,409
"I like that too".
402
00:27:14,911 --> 00:27:17,279
Thank God men aren't like that!
403
00:27:17,313 --> 00:27:20,682
"Nice car, Bob.
Mine now"!
404
00:27:21,649 --> 00:27:25,086
- What are you doing?
- Just shopping!
405
00:27:38,863 --> 00:27:40,865
The whole anthrax thing
had people going...
406
00:27:40,998 --> 00:27:43,534
They said
"Don't open your mail"!
407
00:27:44,301 --> 00:27:47,270
- Why?
- There's white powder in envelopes.
408
00:27:47,703 --> 00:27:49,973
"Really"!?
409
00:27:51,274 --> 00:27:53,742
"Your mother and I used to look
for white powder in envelopes"!
410
00:27:53,874 --> 00:27:56,178
"We weren't on-line.
We did lines, my friend".
411
00:27:57,211 --> 00:28:00,281
"And there were ninjas on the
fucking lawn, trying to kill us"!
412
00:28:02,082 --> 00:28:04,185
And now, there are people
trying to kill us.
413
00:28:04,384 --> 00:28:06,152
And that's why
I bought a gas mask.
414
00:28:06,619 --> 00:28:11,990
I can't even get a condom
on when I want to!
415
00:28:12,090 --> 00:28:17,728
"Hey, baby. Yeah, I got
a love glove. Hold on".
416
00:28:21,064 --> 00:28:22,933
"I'll be right with you, honey".
417
00:28:22,966 --> 00:28:27,102
"Don't go away on me now".
418
00:28:31,004 --> 00:28:32,874
You're playing "Beat the cock".
419
00:28:34,308 --> 00:28:37,044
"I got it, I got it"!
420
00:28:39,812 --> 00:28:43,382
There's your penis like a
midget in a diving suit...
421
00:28:44,182 --> 00:28:45,550
"I don't think we're
going in today, Pete".
422
00:28:47,352 --> 00:28:49,053
"We didn't make the deadline".
423
00:28:58,428 --> 00:29:03,198
Remember when they sent anthrax
to Tom Daschle's office?
424
00:29:03,599 --> 00:29:05,166
And they cleared that
fucking place out.
425
00:29:05,467 --> 00:29:10,004
"Everybody out, come on"!
Helmets, suits, they're all leaving.
426
00:29:10,138 --> 00:29:10,972
And when the Congressman
walked out they go
427
00:29:11,104 --> 00:29:14,207
"But the rest of you,
go about your lives".
428
00:29:14,940 --> 00:29:16,576
"Everything is perfectly OK".
429
00:29:17,209 --> 00:29:19,378
"We'll be miles away".
430
00:29:19,511 --> 00:29:22,914
It's like when you go to the dentist
and he puts a little lead bib over your balls.
431
00:29:22,981 --> 00:29:26,784
He walks behind concrete, going
"You'll be fine"!
432
00:29:31,155 --> 00:29:32,755
How can you tell
if Congress was sick?
433
00:29:32,890 --> 00:29:35,291
It's night of the living dead anyway.
434
00:29:35,558 --> 00:29:38,561
All those old senators going
435
00:29:38,694 --> 00:29:42,263
"The confederate flag is just
the symbol of state's rights".
436
00:29:42,396 --> 00:29:45,833
Yeah, and the swastika
is just a Tibetan good luck charm.
437
00:29:50,336 --> 00:29:52,671
When did Ted Kennedy
become Jabba the Hutt?
438
00:29:54,473 --> 00:29:56,440
He's huge!
439
00:29:56,842 --> 00:30:00,111
You're a Kennedy, not a Maisy's
day float, come on!
440
00:30:00,478 --> 00:30:03,647
Bring him down.
We're voting!
441
00:30:04,347 --> 00:30:08,418
Step away, boy.
"I said no to the Crispy Cream".
442
00:30:09,852 --> 00:30:13,288
Congress recently
approved the covert plan
443
00:30:13,421 --> 00:30:16,191
to assassinate Saddam Hussein.
444
00:30:18,827 --> 00:30:22,062
So what they've done,
is publicly approve
445
00:30:22,196 --> 00:30:25,164
the secret plan to
assassinate Hussein.
446
00:30:26,132 --> 00:30:28,366
I wonder if he knows?
447
00:30:30,802 --> 00:30:36,240
I know there's a cure for bio
terrorism that they sent at us.
448
00:30:37,641 --> 00:30:40,743
And it lies within
Keith Richards, I know that.
449
00:30:41,478 --> 00:30:42,511
He is the only man on the planet
who can go,
450
00:30:42,645 --> 00:30:46,914
"Anthrax?
All right..."
451
00:30:50,085 --> 00:30:53,754
"Doesn't go with my
E. cola, but fuck"!
452
00:30:55,089 --> 00:30:59,526
Keith is the only man who can make
the Osbornes look fucking Amish.
453
00:31:00,526 --> 00:31:06,198
I've seen him go to a drug
dealer who said "I'm out, man"!
454
00:31:06,331 --> 00:31:07,765
"I have nothing left".
455
00:31:08,166 --> 00:31:10,535
Supposedly he goes to Switzerland
and changes his blood.
456
00:31:10,668 --> 00:31:14,104
Not like one pint, but like a
fucking Chevrolette, all of it.
457
00:31:14,237 --> 00:31:17,174
I just wanna know
who gets his blood?
458
00:31:17,307 --> 00:31:18,475
Some old Swiss man's going,
459
00:31:18,608 --> 00:31:22,577
"Heidi!
We've gotta go on tour, you bitch"!
460
00:31:23,311 --> 00:31:26,314
"We've gotta pay for mixed babies".
461
00:31:28,015 --> 00:31:30,718
We may all be dead and gone,
462
00:31:30,851 --> 00:31:34,420
Keith will still be there
with five cockroaches.
463
00:31:34,789 --> 00:31:37,791
Keith'll go, "I smoked
your uncle, did you know that"?
464
00:31:39,192 --> 00:31:41,493
"Fucking crazy..."
465
00:31:42,594 --> 00:31:46,497
Every so often,
Rumsfeld comes out and goes,
466
00:31:46,530 --> 00:31:49,900
"I don't know where.
I don't know when".
467
00:31:51,201 --> 00:31:54,171
"But something awful's
going to happen".
468
00:31:54,370 --> 00:31:58,206
"Thank you, that's all for today,
no further questions".
469
00:31:58,339 --> 00:32:00,942
Excuse me, can you give me a clue?
470
00:32:00,975 --> 00:32:04,211
What is it, the Central
"Intuitive" Agency now?
471
00:32:04,978 --> 00:32:07,514
Are you working with Miss Cleo?
472
00:32:10,650 --> 00:32:13,286
"I don't know where,
I don't know when,"
473
00:32:13,418 --> 00:32:15,686
"but somethin'
awful's gonna happen"!
474
00:32:16,488 --> 00:32:17,989
"And definitely don't
marry that fat man".
475
00:32:18,123 --> 00:32:19,891
"He only wants you
for your money, girl"!
476
00:32:20,991 --> 00:32:24,861
People are suing Miss Cleo for fraud.
I went "Fucking duh"!
477
00:32:26,229 --> 00:32:31,300
What do you want? A blind tarot
card before you go, "A-ha"!
478
00:32:31,999 --> 00:32:35,503
If she's a psychic, why does
she need a fuckin' phone number?
479
00:32:36,838 --> 00:32:39,140
Number two, that
fake Jamaican accent?
480
00:32:39,273 --> 00:32:41,776
If she was a real psychic,
481
00:32:41,809 --> 00:32:45,745
she'd be one of those Louisiana
psychics going, "You gonna die"!
482
00:32:46,145 --> 00:32:47,546
"They have to puck your ass up"
483
00:32:47,680 --> 00:32:50,115
"so they can pull a place for
your bike, come on now"!
484
00:32:50,516 --> 00:32:53,118
It's like buying hair
care products from Cher.
485
00:32:53,251 --> 00:32:55,487
She's wearing a wig, you idiot!
486
00:32:56,220 --> 00:32:59,456
Take that abdominal thing...
"Help you lose weight"
487
00:32:59,590 --> 00:33:03,159
"while it shocks your fat ass
sitting watching TV".
488
00:33:03,359 --> 00:33:07,763
"I'm getting six-pack abs
by knocking my testicles around"!
489
00:33:08,330 --> 00:33:10,499
You strap that to your head.
490
00:33:12,000 --> 00:33:15,935
And say, "I will not buy
stupid shit for no reason"!
491
00:33:25,500 --> 00:33:27,293
Now we are in troubled times.
492
00:33:27,327 --> 00:33:29,948
When it happened, I thought
the Statue of Liberty would change.
493
00:33:29,981 --> 00:33:31,806
Instead of "Give me your
tired and your poor,"
494
00:33:31,939 --> 00:33:34,496
it would be her with a baseball
bat going "You want a piece of me"?
495
00:33:35,191 --> 00:33:39,640
There was hardcore security.
In NY stopping people in the tunnel..
496
00:33:40,105 --> 00:33:43,259
In Washington they had F-18s
flying, air cover everywhere.
497
00:33:43,358 --> 00:33:46,313
In San Francisco,
not so hardcore security.
498
00:33:46,976 --> 00:33:50,361
At Golden Gate Bridge there's a
Hummer, and I'm talking about the car.
499
00:33:54,874 --> 00:33:59,323
One Hummer here, two National Guardsmen,
same at the other end of the bridge.
500
00:33:59,788 --> 00:34:01,547
The problem is that the Hummer
and the National Guardsmen
501
00:34:01,679 --> 00:34:03,473
are in jungle camouflage.
502
00:34:03,871 --> 00:34:08,118
For those who never been to SF,
the bridge is bright orange.
503
00:34:08,585 --> 00:34:12,833
So I feel like going
"Be vewy, vewy quiet".
504
00:34:13,629 --> 00:34:17,778
"We're wooking for tewwowists".
505
00:34:22,194 --> 00:34:24,816
Airport security, before
all this happened it was like,
506
00:34:24,948 --> 00:34:27,471
"Beep, OK, get
on the plane, come on".
507
00:34:28,633 --> 00:34:32,251
"What's that? Oh, that's a gun.
OK, get on the plane".
508
00:34:33,048 --> 00:34:36,499
You could carry a four inch blade,
that's about that long.
509
00:34:37,200 --> 00:34:40,990
Now, you can't even carry
a nail-clipper on a plane.
510
00:34:41,290 --> 00:34:42,585
Are they afraid you're
gonna go "All right"!
511
00:34:44,215 --> 00:34:48,602
"Give me the plane
or the bitch loses a cuticle".
512
00:34:48,736 --> 00:34:53,089
"I have a nail file.
I can be irritating".
513
00:34:53,289 --> 00:34:56,844
And if you have a steak or any piece
of meat, they won't give you a knife.
514
00:34:57,144 --> 00:34:59,237
So it's like
"Quest for Fire" flight.
515
00:35:06,717 --> 00:35:09,342
"Sir, you're making a lot of noise".
516
00:35:09,975 --> 00:35:13,265
The Hindu man in the back is going
"Hold the bowl higher".
517
00:35:14,062 --> 00:35:16,356
"Don't be afraid to beg,
use your hands."
518
00:35:17,884 --> 00:35:21,907
Now the airport security is tight.
You go through the metal detector
519
00:35:21,940 --> 00:35:24,101
and if you are heavily pierced,
like some of my friends...
520
00:35:25,397 --> 00:35:26,794
"Take out your keys, sir".
521
00:35:27,057 --> 00:35:29,154
"Tip of the iceberg".
522
00:35:37,629 --> 00:35:42,383
For those playing the home game,
this is called a Prince Albert.
523
00:35:42,748 --> 00:35:44,575
I'm sure that was his last wish.
524
00:35:45,307 --> 00:35:47,966
I'm sure Albert said,
"Victoria, I'm dying".
525
00:35:48,895 --> 00:35:51,988
"I want you to name a
museum, a performance hall"
526
00:35:52,120 --> 00:35:54,514
"and a bolt through
the cock after me".
527
00:35:54,614 --> 00:35:58,037
"That will be Victoria's Secret.
Go, my darling".
528
00:35:58,834 --> 00:36:02,923
"Sell little thongs to people
like they had little anal floss".
529
00:36:03,689 --> 00:36:05,449
And I'm talking heavily pierced.
530
00:36:05,516 --> 00:36:07,377
Not like Britney Spears
"I'm a virgin"!
531
00:36:07,477 --> 00:36:09,902
Yeah and Michael Jackson
is a father. Move on!
532
00:36:10,702 --> 00:36:12,628
I'm talking like a hoop
through your nipple.
533
00:36:12,663 --> 00:36:15,155
You know, lady...
I'm guessing!
534
00:36:19,242 --> 00:36:24,029
Just kinda the way your
clothes are going...
535
00:36:24,297 --> 00:36:28,683
When you have a big hoop, what
you're gonna do? Tie up a pony? No!
536
00:36:29,046 --> 00:36:32,870
Or you have two. He's and her's
towels, whatever you want!
537
00:36:33,436 --> 00:36:35,497
A towel down here,
so you can wash up. Fun!
538
00:36:36,095 --> 00:36:39,618
It's interesting when you see a girl
with a bolt through her tongue.
539
00:36:39,851 --> 00:36:41,080
Why did you do that?
540
00:36:41,213 --> 00:36:43,938
"To enahthe
the thekthual thtimulathion".
541
00:36:46,631 --> 00:36:48,260
"Nothing drives my boyfriend crazy"
542
00:36:48,392 --> 00:36:51,751
"like the feel of cold
steel on his hot rod".
543
00:36:52,148 --> 00:36:54,043
"But the problem is I ended up
knocking out all my teeth"
544
00:36:54,176 --> 00:36:56,503
"and living in a trailer park
with a man named Bubba".
545
00:36:57,599 --> 00:36:59,494
That's the trade-off, my darling.
546
00:36:59,629 --> 00:37:02,155
You get the tatoo with
a barb wire when you're 18
547
00:37:02,287 --> 00:37:05,311
and by the time you're 80
it's fucking picket fence.
548
00:37:05,743 --> 00:37:10,363
And Madonna turns into
Margaret Hamilton going,
549
00:37:10,497 --> 00:37:14,652
"I'm dying, melting".
550
00:37:14,851 --> 00:37:15,548
Here's what you wanna do.
551
00:37:15,581 --> 00:37:19,504
When I was growing up I didn't have
Playboy or Penthouse. Sad for me!
552
00:37:19,537 --> 00:37:21,432
But I had National Geographic
553
00:37:21,565 --> 00:37:23,925
and the girls that got me crazy...
554
00:37:24,855 --> 00:37:28,047
You know the ones with
the slinky neck going...
555
00:37:28,811 --> 00:37:32,999
Do that, drive your parents crazy
when you come down the stairs...
556
00:37:33,432 --> 00:37:35,359
Or do the full ubangy go,
557
00:37:35,425 --> 00:37:40,146
"Mom, dad, it's also a CD-player".
558
00:37:40,977 --> 00:37:43,236
And you can take out the plate
and jump-rope with your lower lip.
559
00:37:43,369 --> 00:37:44,499
Have fun!
560
00:37:44,964 --> 00:37:46,993
Watch grandma go "Shit"!
561
00:37:54,304 --> 00:37:57,297
Union guys going
"Don't touch it, Mr. Williams"!
562
00:38:04,345 --> 00:38:08,397
This shit is gonna be
more precious than oil.
563
00:38:08,996 --> 00:38:11,655
Ten years from now, it's already
starting to happen. People going,
564
00:38:13,850 --> 00:38:15,510
"I got water".
565
00:38:16,209 --> 00:38:20,231
"And if you want it cold,
I got ice, motherfucker".
566
00:38:21,161 --> 00:38:26,114
Going on the planes now, a sweet
little Southern stewardess goes,
567
00:38:26,147 --> 00:38:29,404
"Ladies and gentlemen,
before we board flight five,"
568
00:38:29,537 --> 00:38:32,363
"we're just gonna do a few
random bag checks".
569
00:38:32,396 --> 00:38:34,789
"These are totally random".
570
00:38:35,486 --> 00:38:37,616
"I'm just gonna read off
a few names".
571
00:38:41,469 --> 00:38:43,499
"Has'N'T'Been' Seen"?
572
00:38:45,958 --> 00:38:46,855
"Akeem Been'Laid"?
573
00:38:48,250 --> 00:38:50,178
"Have'N'T'Been Fucked"?
574
00:38:51,774 --> 00:38:53,568
"Judy Smith"?
575
00:38:53,901 --> 00:38:56,128
Fourteen arabs and a blonde...?
576
00:38:56,628 --> 00:39:00,914
And every black and Hispanic man in
the room is going "Thank you, God"!
577
00:39:00,947 --> 00:39:04,470
"Oh, yes, we're off the list,
motherfucker, yeah"!
578
00:39:06,930 --> 00:39:09,456
"They man's gonna be fucking
with you now, Habib".
579
00:39:10,386 --> 00:39:12,980
"You better learn to go orderly".
580
00:39:13,544 --> 00:39:16,603
They take the knitting needles
from the eighty-year-old lady,
581
00:39:16,635 --> 00:39:19,361
"Why, cause I'm gonna knit
an Afghan?" Give 'em to me!
582
00:39:20,393 --> 00:39:22,586
And the five year old kid, they're
patting him down, he's going,
583
00:39:22,619 --> 00:39:25,809
"What are you doing?
You're not a priest, let go of me!"
584
00:39:31,627 --> 00:39:34,485
So you've had
a problem too, I guess.
585
00:39:34,519 --> 00:39:36,380
Father pats little boys down, like,
586
00:39:36,514 --> 00:39:39,936
"Good game, boy, good game!
Wash up Timmy, really wash up!"
587
00:39:41,134 --> 00:39:45,553
They catch them, but they had the
divine witness protection program.
588
00:39:46,450 --> 00:39:47,682
Find the priest,
here's the pedophile,
589
00:39:47,813 --> 00:39:50,174
here's the priest,
find the pedophile...
590
00:39:55,126 --> 00:39:58,916
Don't you ask, don't you tell,
you might end up right in Hell.
591
00:39:59,348 --> 00:40:02,905
Here's your check, direct from Rome,
buy yourself a brand new home.
592
00:40:03,336 --> 00:40:07,359
Isn't it amazing?
The Pope...
593
00:40:12,809 --> 00:40:14,772
Applause break number two.
594
00:40:15,635 --> 00:40:18,992
It was amazing when the Pope gathered
all the cardinals in Rome and went...
595
00:40:20,587 --> 00:40:23,545
The only problem is, he's dressed
like Liberace's stunt double.
596
00:40:25,640 --> 00:40:27,433
I have a solution, though!
597
00:40:28,099 --> 00:40:31,389
For problem priests, a little shock
collar, going near a kid it's like,
598
00:40:31,422 --> 00:40:33,051
"You know, Timmy..."
599
00:40:35,478 --> 00:40:36,807
"Tommy, I think..."
600
00:40:38,369 --> 00:40:40,264
Or the automated confessional,
could be fun.
601
00:40:40,563 --> 00:40:43,222
"If this is a venal sin, press one".
602
00:40:44,385 --> 00:40:46,579
"If this is a carnal sin, press two".
603
00:40:47,012 --> 00:40:49,903
"If this is cardinal Law,
please stay on the line".
604
00:40:50,501 --> 00:40:54,856
"Because you have to remember,
it's not just a sin, it's a felony"!
605
00:40:54,954 --> 00:40:57,082
So we have to keep track!
606
00:41:06,023 --> 00:41:09,448
Right now they're up there watching.
"Hi, Mr. Ashcroft".
607
00:41:11,076 --> 00:41:14,600
We're now under the offices
of Homeland Security.
608
00:41:14,899 --> 00:41:18,288
Tom Ridge ever so often goes,
"Today is a blue day, no, orange, red"!
609
00:41:20,150 --> 00:41:22,976
They had to be very careful picking
that name "Homeland Security".
610
00:41:23,339 --> 00:41:25,601
Couldn't say Fatherland because
a lot of the old Germans are going
611
00:41:25,734 --> 00:41:27,430
"That's a good one"!
612
00:41:29,157 --> 00:41:31,750
But Homeland Security, it
sounds like Homefront Security,
613
00:41:31,883 --> 00:41:33,977
which was England during WWII.
614
00:41:34,178 --> 00:41:38,000
Old men with pitchforks and colostomy
bags, defending England!
615
00:41:38,465 --> 00:41:40,857
There they were,
Rudolph has personally...
616
00:41:40,992 --> 00:41:43,783
"I threw my colostomy bag,
covered him in shite"
617
00:41:43,916 --> 00:41:46,574
and said "Get out of that fokker,
you fucker, get out"!
618
00:41:49,001 --> 00:41:51,726
And I also find out now,
that Winston Churchill,
619
00:41:51,860 --> 00:41:54,187
one of the greatest
orators of all time,
620
00:41:54,220 --> 00:41:58,607
may have been so fucked
up on cognac and champagne,
621
00:41:58,641 --> 00:42:01,199
that he didn't do some
of his great speeches.
622
00:42:01,234 --> 00:42:06,318
They were done by a man from the BBC,
who also did "Winnie the Pooh".
623
00:42:07,117 --> 00:42:11,670
"We will fight them on the beaches,
in the air, on the land"!
624
00:42:11,836 --> 00:42:13,332
"Eeyore and Tigger"!
625
00:42:15,559 --> 00:42:18,152
And, he was fighting against Hitler!
626
00:42:18,384 --> 00:42:21,009
A man who recently a book
declared was a homosexual,
627
00:42:21,043 --> 00:42:22,904
and I always thought
this was a clue!
628
00:42:23,835 --> 00:42:26,227
That and the leather and the dancing!
629
00:42:29,286 --> 00:42:31,647
We are now finding ourselves
once again drown to England
630
00:42:31,779 --> 00:42:32,643
during these troubled times.
631
00:42:32,775 --> 00:42:34,438
Tony Blair, a militant liberal.
632
00:42:34,571 --> 00:42:37,531
Over here, George W. Bush,
compassionate conservative.
633
00:42:37,928 --> 00:42:40,986
Sounds kinda like a Volvo
with a gun rack, but...
634
00:42:43,113 --> 00:42:47,136
Over here, Tony Blair, a man who
must adress the House of Commons,
635
00:42:47,267 --> 00:42:50,061
which is like Congress, with a
two drink minimum, crazy place!
636
00:42:51,523 --> 00:42:54,880
- I believe my worthy opponents...
- Oh, fuck off!
637
00:42:55,344 --> 00:42:58,004
"Shite, bollocks, you bastard!
Fuck you"!
638
00:42:58,137 --> 00:43:00,031
Would someone remove
Ms. Tatcher from the chamber?
639
00:43:03,555 --> 00:43:07,012
Tony said, "This heinous
incident has brought us"
640
00:43:07,144 --> 00:43:08,108
"to the edge of oblivion..."
641
00:43:08,308 --> 00:43:10,403
"But our civilization shall endure"!
642
00:43:10,468 --> 00:43:14,588
And there's poor W. going,
"Shit, I can't even spell that".
643
00:43:16,485 --> 00:43:20,008
Cause you look at Bush
and you realize it's Bush 2.0.
644
00:43:21,138 --> 00:43:24,794
It's a beta release. He came with
certain bugs in the software.
645
00:43:25,194 --> 00:43:27,286
"This country will
not be taken hostile,"
646
00:43:27,420 --> 00:43:29,846
oops, delete, delete, "hostage".
647
00:43:31,309 --> 00:43:34,734
And you look at him and realize
he has a short attention spam.
648
00:43:34,766 --> 00:43:38,521
"Our economy is going...
oh, look at the kitty".
649
00:43:41,048 --> 00:43:44,471
He kinda reminds me of the guy in
college with a towel going, "Gotcha"!
650
00:43:46,997 --> 00:43:48,559
You just don't want him to drive.
651
00:43:49,623 --> 00:43:52,083
Some men are born great,
some achieve greatness,
652
00:43:52,216 --> 00:43:54,908
some get it as a graduation gift.
That's OK!
653
00:43:55,772 --> 00:43:57,966
Historically...
654
00:44:01,391 --> 00:44:03,917
You must look at it
from a historical perspective.
655
00:44:04,449 --> 00:44:06,075
He's George the second.
The boy-king.
656
00:44:06,110 --> 00:44:08,701
A man we thought could
only lose, but somehow won,
657
00:44:08,835 --> 00:44:11,194
because of confused Hebrews.
Yes!
658
00:44:13,588 --> 00:44:18,840
W. doesn't speak while Channey's
drinking water. Check that shit out!
659
00:44:24,158 --> 00:44:25,090
When everything went down,
660
00:44:25,222 --> 00:44:27,514
they put W. out there, but
they protected Channey.
661
00:44:31,965 --> 00:44:35,920
Channey had an angioplasty.
Most people wait 'til it heals.
662
00:44:36,054 --> 00:44:38,347
He was like,
"I'm perfectly fine"!
663
00:44:39,145 --> 00:44:41,638
"I'm OK"!
664
00:44:42,469 --> 00:44:46,889
And there's Ashcroft in the back,
"Work the arms, you asshole"!
665
00:44:47,488 --> 00:44:51,477
You have to remember,
John Ashcroft is a man
666
00:44:51,609 --> 00:44:54,236
who lost to a dead man in Missouri.
667
00:44:54,866 --> 00:45:00,020
Choices in Missouri were
John Ashcroft, Dead Man.
668
00:45:00,616 --> 00:45:02,211
And people in Missouri went,
669
00:45:02,311 --> 00:45:06,932
"I'm sorry John, the dead man
scares me less than you do".
670
00:45:14,012 --> 00:45:16,307
Here's the drill for me.
You know what's strange?
671
00:45:19,629 --> 00:45:22,123
It doesn't scare me that
W. waved at Stevie Wonder.
672
00:45:22,255 --> 00:45:24,215
That's OK.
673
00:45:27,839 --> 00:45:30,098
Stevie's only been blind since birth!
674
00:45:30,664 --> 00:45:32,792
And there's W. going,
"Stevie"!
675
00:45:33,324 --> 00:45:37,245
Even Stevie Wonder's going,
"Is that motherfucker waving at me"?
676
00:45:39,007 --> 00:45:43,527
"Does he think I'm looking
for him? Goddamn"!
677
00:45:44,758 --> 00:45:47,118
No! What scares me,
678
00:45:47,250 --> 00:45:50,874
is that W. almost died
from a fucking pretzel.
679
00:45:52,336 --> 00:45:54,630
We have billions of
dollars in national defense.
680
00:45:54,763 --> 00:45:57,920
They want billions more
for national security.
681
00:45:58,320 --> 00:46:01,510
And he almost fucking goes
down from snack food!
682
00:46:02,174 --> 00:46:05,332
Secret Service are going
"Game's over, man"!
683
00:46:05,366 --> 00:46:08,557
"Gilligan's down.
Gilligan's down".
684
00:46:10,153 --> 00:46:13,276
"Step away from the chip, sir"!
685
00:46:14,539 --> 00:46:17,696
We have to have people go
"Hydrate, you bastard"!
686
00:46:19,159 --> 00:46:22,283
His own dogs didnt' give a shit.
They were licking him for the salt.
687
00:46:27,436 --> 00:46:29,762
You need a dog that cares.
A dog like Lassie, who'd go...
688
00:46:33,917 --> 00:46:35,779
"What's wrong, Lassie?
The President swallowed something"
689
00:46:35,911 --> 00:46:36,775
"and you did the Heimlich"?
690
00:46:38,271 --> 00:46:39,833
"What else, girl"?
691
00:46:41,596 --> 00:46:44,886
"Mr. Channey is meeting
with the Enron people"?
692
00:46:46,813 --> 00:46:50,569
"An Enron employee
is secretary of the Navy"?
693
00:46:51,069 --> 00:46:52,232
"What about the Harken loan"?
694
00:46:52,930 --> 00:46:55,688
"Sorry, girl, we gonna
have to put you down".
695
00:46:56,486 --> 00:47:01,638
Oh, Kenny Boy.
The Feds, the Feds are coming.
696
00:47:01,344 --> 00:47:04,643
Welcome, boys and girls,
to Disney's new ride.
697
00:47:04,775 --> 00:47:07,340
Investment pirates of the Caribbean.
698
00:47:08,408 --> 00:47:11,306
Your money checks in,
it doesn't check out.
699
00:47:14,738 --> 00:47:17,305
Sometimes you catch George unprepared
and he says unusual things.
700
00:47:17,670 --> 00:47:23,403
- Mr. Bush, what are we gonna do?
- We're gonna conduct a crusade.
701
00:47:23,534 --> 00:47:26,234
And everybody in the room went...
702
00:47:26,331 --> 00:47:28,630
Ix-nay on the ucrade-say!
703
00:47:30,665 --> 00:47:36,265
All throughout the Middle East...
704
00:47:36,331 --> 00:47:39,694
Hide the women and children and
the number zero, they're coming!
705
00:47:40,162 --> 00:47:42,995
And you can't bomb the Afghanis
back to the stone age
706
00:47:43,127 --> 00:47:45,027
because they'll go
"Upgrade. Fun"!
707
00:47:46,992 --> 00:47:51,092
Today's bombing raid has enlarged the
hole from yesterday's bombing raid.
708
00:47:51,257 --> 00:47:53,990
We have moved trouble
from here, to here.
709
00:47:54,024 --> 00:47:57,023
Goat in the upper right corner,
possible member of the Taliban,
710
00:47:57,153 --> 00:47:59,320
or "concubine", we're not sure.
711
00:47:59,453 --> 00:48:02,686
We did fire the 100 million dollars cruise
missile up its ass and were successful.
712
00:48:03,521 --> 00:48:06,485
Operation "Extreme Redundancy"
is carrying on!
713
00:48:07,852 --> 00:48:13,048
Then we started to drop bombs,
food, food, bombs.
714
00:48:13,182 --> 00:48:14,480
And here's the fun part.
715
00:48:14,516 --> 00:48:17,014
Some of the bombs were
little yellow bombs,
716
00:48:17,145 --> 00:48:19,812
and the food packages were
little yellow packages.
717
00:48:19,880 --> 00:48:23,078
So now you're playing
"Survivor The Real Game".
718
00:48:23,446 --> 00:48:27,708
"OK Bob, I was here yesterday...
I'm gonna go for this one today..."
719
00:48:28,643 --> 00:48:30,908
And what was in those packages?
720
00:48:32,008 --> 00:48:33,540
Pop-Tarts, peanut butter,
721
00:48:33,573 --> 00:48:36,973
and all you need is honey-baked ham
and you got a Redneck Christmas.
722
00:48:39,404 --> 00:48:41,604
Who dropped the honey-baked ham
on the Muslims?
723
00:48:44,136 --> 00:48:48,267
Why are we dropping Pop-Tarts
and peanut butter on Afghanistan?
724
00:48:48,301 --> 00:48:50,533
Number one, it tastes a shit load
better than dirt.
725
00:48:52,233 --> 00:48:53,665
Number two and more importantly,
726
00:48:53,800 --> 00:48:55,798
very difficult
to have a call to Jihad
727
00:48:55,931 --> 00:48:58,164
with a mouth full of peanut butter.
728
00:49:04,961 --> 00:49:08,526
Secondly, or thirdly,
for those keeping track...
729
00:49:09,926 --> 00:49:13,524
Afghanistan is a hasheesh
smoking culture.
730
00:49:13,725 --> 00:49:16,157
And everyone who's ever been
a friend of the Hooka will go,
731
00:49:16,723 --> 00:49:18,989
"Pop-Tarts"!
732
00:49:26,385 --> 00:49:30,250
Yes! Got milk?
Come and get me!
733
00:49:30,418 --> 00:49:33,849
We're trying to win hearts
and minds. How do we do that?
734
00:49:33,983 --> 00:49:37,680
Do we build an amusement park
"Muslim Mountain" with Gadafi Duck? No!
735
00:49:39,381 --> 00:49:42,079
Do we have a wet burger contest? No!
736
00:49:42,712 --> 00:49:46,676
Do we play Cat Stevens
records all day? Fuck off!
737
00:49:47,005 --> 00:49:48,774
Drop Martha Stuart's tits? No!
738
00:49:49,707 --> 00:49:52,844
Do we have a children show
called "Saudi Dudi"? No!
739
00:49:54,613 --> 00:49:59,050
What we must do is we gotta get
a sister. You know what I'm sayin'?
740
00:49:59,383 --> 00:50:01,585
You gotta get a sister from Brooklyn.
741
00:50:01,986 --> 00:50:04,423
You know what I mean, a-ha, girl?
You know what I'm sayin'?
742
00:50:04,689 --> 00:50:07,592
One of those bitches you
see on Jerry Springer.
743
00:50:08,092 --> 00:50:10,262
Drop her ass in Kabul and she'll go,
744
00:50:10,395 --> 00:50:14,732
"Girl, you don't have to dress
like a mother fucking bee keeper"!
745
00:50:17,502 --> 00:50:21,171
"You don't have to be
Casper's bitch, forget all that"!
746
00:50:23,708 --> 00:50:25,676
"If he picks up a rock, cause
you're talking to another man,"
747
00:50:25,810 --> 00:50:29,714
you pick a bigger rock and say
"Shit has hit the fan, motherfucker"!
748
00:50:31,180 --> 00:50:33,384
"He tries to cut off your clitoris,
make you a Barbie doll,"
749
00:50:33,517 --> 00:50:36,485
you grab a knife and say
"Lorena Bobbit time"!
750
00:50:36,888 --> 00:50:40,490
"Don't make me go cobra, I will go
Oprah on your ass. Don't make me"!
751
00:50:41,525 --> 00:50:43,660
We're dealing with fundamentalists...
752
00:50:43,861 --> 00:50:45,263
The Amish are fundamentalists,
but they don't try
753
00:50:45,396 --> 00:50:47,031
and hijack a carriage at needlepoint.
754
00:50:47,732 --> 00:50:50,666
And, if you're ever in Amish
country and you see a man
755
00:50:50,834 --> 00:50:53,804
with his hand buried in a
horse's ass, that's a mechanic.
756
00:50:56,939 --> 00:50:59,442
Who are we looking for?
757
00:51:00,343 --> 00:51:02,912
Ossama Bin Laden, one of 52 children.
758
00:51:03,044 --> 00:51:05,582
Even Freud would say,
"He has issues".
759
00:51:06,182 --> 00:51:08,052
What does he look
like without the beard?
760
00:51:08,184 --> 00:51:11,086
Howard Stern, Barbra Streisand?
I don't know, I don't care!
761
00:51:11,322 --> 00:51:15,291
I know this he's a six foot five
Arab on dialysis...
762
00:51:15,559 --> 00:51:17,993
Why is that so fucking hard to find?
763
00:51:18,627 --> 00:51:23,899
Look for somebody attached
to their luggage.
764
00:51:25,568 --> 00:51:30,207
When you see the tapes
of him, you see a psychopath.
765
00:51:31,339 --> 00:51:34,343
Wait a minute.
We have some of our own!
766
00:51:34,944 --> 00:51:37,681
Theodor Kasinsky, sitting around
with nothing to do.
767
00:51:38,114 --> 00:51:40,952
Ted's played "A Beautiful Mind",
the home game.
768
00:51:41,751 --> 00:51:45,186
You give Ted a mailing list
and some tools...
769
00:51:45,355 --> 00:51:46,990
Ted, these people have been bad.
770
00:51:47,123 --> 00:51:49,458
- Are they bad?
- Very bad!
771
00:51:49,492 --> 00:51:53,230
- I just want a few things.
- I know you do!
772
00:51:53,761 --> 00:51:57,901
Or we get Charles Manson. Great
organizer, incredible with chicks.
773
00:51:58,034 --> 00:51:59,501
You can't use him.
774
00:51:59,567 --> 00:52:01,637
Chucky all the time
comes out for parole
775
00:52:01,770 --> 00:52:04,241
with a swastika on his forehead.
776
00:52:04,274 --> 00:52:06,609
- I'm better.
- In many ways, yeah.
777
00:52:06,876 --> 00:52:09,146
- What would you do if you got out?
- I'd kill everybody.
778
00:52:11,747 --> 00:52:13,749
What are we dealing with?
779
00:52:14,316 --> 00:52:17,585
One of the fundamental
things is in a Jihad.
780
00:52:17,820 --> 00:52:21,090
Sounds like a country
western term like "jee-ha"!
781
00:52:22,191 --> 00:52:24,793
And if you are in a Jihad
and you kill an infidel
782
00:52:24,860 --> 00:52:26,762
which, I'm sad to say, is all of us,
783
00:52:27,362 --> 00:52:29,030
and you yourself die...
784
00:52:29,163 --> 00:52:30,565
you go to heaven
and you are greated
785
00:52:30,698 --> 00:52:32,500
by 71 dark-haired virgins.
786
00:52:33,168 --> 00:52:34,702
Now everyone who's ever been
with one virgin is going...
787
00:52:34,835 --> 00:52:36,872
"I don't know..."
788
00:52:38,673 --> 00:52:40,508
"For my talent portion..."
789
00:52:43,378 --> 00:52:46,114
Recently, there was a
article in the New York Times,
790
00:52:46,247 --> 00:52:47,715
a Coran scholar said
791
00:52:47,849 --> 00:52:50,486
"The actual translation is not
71 dark-haired virgins,"
792
00:52:50,618 --> 00:52:53,821
"but 71 crystal clear raisins".
793
00:52:57,257 --> 00:53:00,161
Slight difference in
interpretation, really.
794
00:53:00,763 --> 00:53:04,398
It's like finding out "thou shalt not
kill" is "thou shalt not wear a kilt".
795
00:53:05,431 --> 00:53:08,470
And the Scotish are going,
"Fuck off"!
796
00:53:09,003 --> 00:53:12,406
Imagine some guy blows himself up,
goes to the gates of Heaven sayin',
797
00:53:12,439 --> 00:53:15,409
- Where are my bitches?
- Here're your raisins.
798
00:53:16,643 --> 00:53:20,313
Or 71 Virgils going,
"You got a pretty mouth"!
799
00:53:22,516 --> 00:53:25,485
Ossama Bin Laden goes
to the gates of Heaven,
800
00:53:25,617 --> 00:53:26,419
there's George Washington waiting,
801
00:53:26,553 --> 00:53:28,689
"How dare you defile that
what we created"
802
00:53:28,822 --> 00:53:30,391
and starts violating on his ass.
803
00:53:30,424 --> 00:53:34,795
70 other members of the Congress
start kicking the shit outta him.
804
00:53:34,828 --> 00:53:36,698
And then he's going,
"Where're the virgins"?
805
00:53:36,831 --> 00:53:39,700
"71 Virginians, you asshole"!
806
00:53:44,403 --> 00:53:46,272
"I must talk to Jesus Christ"!
807
00:53:46,439 --> 00:53:48,407
"Where is Jesus Christ"?
808
00:53:48,540 --> 00:53:52,378
And Saint Peter goes,
"Hey, Jesus, did you call a cab"?
809
00:53:56,550 --> 00:53:59,986
I heard it. Finally the PCs.
810
00:54:00,119 --> 00:54:01,754
We crossed
the politically correct line.
811
00:54:01,888 --> 00:54:04,857
It's OK to beat the shit out of them,
but don't do the Ethnic joke.
812
00:54:09,061 --> 00:54:10,797
How Buddhist of you!
813
00:54:11,265 --> 00:54:12,832
Remember when they
destroyed the two Buddhas?
814
00:54:12,964 --> 00:54:14,734
What did Buddha do?
Nothing!
815
00:54:15,101 --> 00:54:16,869
What does the Buddhist terrorist do?
816
00:54:17,036 --> 00:54:20,437
Goes in the middle of the street,
takes the gas... Self barbecue!
817
00:54:20,872 --> 00:54:23,175
People're killing each other
in the name of God're going,
818
00:54:23,308 --> 00:54:24,476
"What the fuck are you doing"?
819
00:54:25,278 --> 00:54:27,246
"Making you deal
with your shit".
820
00:54:27,380 --> 00:54:30,216
I don't understand the whole
fundamentalist thing.
821
00:54:30,284 --> 00:54:32,217
I'm an Episcopal.
That's catholic light.
822
00:54:34,286 --> 00:54:37,957
Same religion, half the guilt.
It's frightening.
823
00:54:38,391 --> 00:54:40,792
Catholics have confession,
episcopals have
824
00:54:40,927 --> 00:54:44,095
Thanks Giving, your dad
has a couple of gin and tonics...
825
00:54:45,230 --> 00:54:47,967
"I never loved you mother,
you know that, don't ya"!?
826
00:54:48,968 --> 00:54:52,203
"I didn't, dad. And she's
right there. Tell her again".
827
00:54:54,006 --> 00:54:58,777
Episcopal is basicly Church of
England which was Henry the 8th
828
00:54:58,909 --> 00:55:02,080
breaking away from the Catholic Church
going, "I'm the fucking Pope now"!
829
00:55:03,114 --> 00:55:05,885
Then people broke
away from that church,
830
00:55:06,018 --> 00:55:08,686
the Calvinists found him
to be too loose.
831
00:55:08,887 --> 00:55:13,125
Then the Puritans broke away from
the Calvinists, our ancestors,
832
00:55:13,158 --> 00:55:16,327
people so uptight, the
English kicked them out.
833
00:55:16,361 --> 00:55:21,666
How anal do you have to be for the
English to go "Get the fuck out"!
834
00:55:21,968 --> 00:55:25,070
"Take your pimp shoes and go"!
835
00:55:25,638 --> 00:55:28,439
And they land here in
America going "Hello"!
836
00:55:28,574 --> 00:55:31,941
"We bring you guilt,
syphilis and alcohol".
837
00:55:32,344 --> 00:55:34,779
"Here chief, try this
and once you drunk it,"
838
00:55:34,913 --> 00:55:37,349
"keep moving towards your
feathers float. There you go"!
839
00:55:37,948 --> 00:55:40,718
And the Indians go
"We have a gift for you".
840
00:55:40,751 --> 00:55:45,457
"For us is a sacred herb. For you
it will be an addictive carcinogen".
841
00:55:46,056 --> 00:55:51,829
"Tobacco is a lot of fun.
And a good cash crop, yeah".
842
00:55:59,937 --> 00:56:04,040
"Welcome to Custers.
The Casino that cares".
843
00:56:04,275 --> 00:56:07,244
"This is my wife,
Sits-with-a-full-house".
844
00:56:08,045 --> 00:56:10,246
"It is now time for the
white man to get drunk,"
845
00:56:10,346 --> 00:56:12,751
"and we'll get back the land
you took from us".
846
00:56:14,150 --> 00:56:19,723
The Puritans stayed here
and groups broke away from them
847
00:56:19,856 --> 00:56:22,927
and then we got the people
who knock on your door
848
00:56:23,060 --> 00:56:24,728
at 6:30 in the morning
on Sunday going,
849
00:56:24,861 --> 00:56:27,264
"Have you found Jesus"?
850
00:56:27,598 --> 00:56:29,265
You just wanna come to
the door nude and go
851
00:56:29,400 --> 00:56:31,901
"No, help me look for him!
Come on"!
852
00:56:35,405 --> 00:56:38,741
People like Pat Robinson
and Jerry Falwell say
853
00:56:38,909 --> 00:56:40,876
"This was brought upon
us by our sinful ways".
854
00:56:41,045 --> 00:56:43,480
I wanna put them on a plane,
take them to the ayatollah
855
00:56:43,646 --> 00:56:46,016
and have world wide
fundamentalist wrestling.
856
00:56:46,282 --> 00:56:50,821
"One time only. A life after death
match for all of our souls".
857
00:56:51,054 --> 00:56:53,622
"Let's get ready to humble"!
858
00:56:53,823 --> 00:56:57,493
Here's the drill. Fundamentalists
take it to be "the word".
859
00:56:57,626 --> 00:57:00,263
Not translatable, not metaphorical,
"the word".
860
00:57:00,597 --> 00:57:03,833
In the Genesis, "Let there be light"!
Could that be a metaphor for the Big Bang?
861
00:57:03,866 --> 00:57:05,933
"No. God just went click".
862
00:57:08,037 --> 00:57:11,574
We are all descendant from Adam
and Eve, then we are all cousins?
863
00:57:11,641 --> 00:57:13,176
"That's right"!
864
00:57:18,081 --> 00:57:20,215
There are miracles in the Bible.
865
00:57:20,383 --> 00:57:24,252
Like when Moses, and I'm not
talking "Guns 'N' Moses", no!
866
00:57:24,853 --> 00:57:25,855
Not Charlton Heston going,
867
00:57:25,989 --> 00:57:28,623
"Let the Jews go or the pharaoh
gets two in the head"!
868
00:57:29,458 --> 00:57:30,659
Charlton Heston,
a man who said,
869
00:57:30,826 --> 00:57:34,662
"Guns don't kill people.
Apes with guns kill people".
870
00:57:35,297 --> 00:57:37,933
No, Chucky! The second amendment
871
00:57:38,032 --> 00:57:40,201
started from people
going like this...
872
00:57:40,369 --> 00:57:41,871
And that still continues.
That's OK!
873
00:57:42,204 --> 00:57:46,340
When Moses said to pharaoh
"Let my people go".
874
00:57:46,375 --> 00:57:48,578
And pharaoh went
"In your dreams"!
875
00:57:48,644 --> 00:57:52,180
And Moses called the God,
"God, I need some help"!
876
00:57:52,213 --> 00:57:55,083
And frogs fell from the sky.
877
00:57:55,553 --> 00:57:59,420
Or maybe there were Jews
with catapults going "Now"!
878
00:58:00,521 --> 00:58:05,560
Thank God it wasn't the French,
cause they would go "Lunch"!
879
00:58:05,993 --> 00:58:10,063
"You're great caterers, I can't
let you go, you crazy people"!
880
00:58:11,300 --> 00:58:16,637
Frogs fell from the sky. I would
be going "Get your shit and out"!
881
00:58:17,039 --> 00:58:20,440
I said wait a minute! That's what
we should drop on Afghanistan.
882
00:58:20,608 --> 00:58:24,144
Not bombs, not food...
Fucking frogs!
883
00:58:24,412 --> 00:58:27,281
Frogs, lizards, hamsters, gerbils,
shit they haven't seen.
884
00:58:28,482 --> 00:58:32,787
If you wanna get people out
of caves, a shit load of NY rats.
885
00:58:37,457 --> 00:58:41,862
NY rats would be going
"Hey, come on, raid"!
886
00:58:41,894 --> 00:58:44,132
"I eat pussy literarly.
Bring it on"!
887
00:58:45,635 --> 00:58:50,303
Even then pharaoh was not impressed
"Please, David Copperfield, no"!
888
00:58:50,736 --> 00:58:52,873
And then boils and
then first born dies.
889
00:58:53,006 --> 00:58:55,542
"That's it! Hebrews get out"!
890
00:58:55,575 --> 00:58:56,510
And everybody...
891
00:58:58,613 --> 00:59:00,413
"Let's not wait for the bread to rise".
892
00:59:00,579 --> 00:59:03,717
"Just get the crackers and the skin
off your penis, we're leaving"!
893
00:59:05,451 --> 00:59:07,354
Excuse me! Why the skin
off the penis?
894
00:59:07,521 --> 00:59:10,257
"We're travelling, people.
You don't want sand in there".
895
00:59:11,359 --> 00:59:14,894
"And this is so passe! The dicky
thing, forget it. Let's move"!
896
00:59:15,429 --> 00:59:17,596
We're going to the desert.
Then they get the 10 commandments,
897
00:59:17,764 --> 00:59:20,265
that would be ajusted later
by certain presidents.
898
00:59:21,468 --> 00:59:23,903
And they get to the Red Sea.
899
00:59:24,071 --> 00:59:27,640
And they go "What now,
Mr. Magic, what do we do now"?
900
00:59:27,741 --> 00:59:30,777
We're gonna walk on the
"fregs bocks", the "frogs bucks"...
901
00:59:30,910 --> 00:59:32,411
Frogs backs!
902
00:59:32,877 --> 00:59:35,882
Thank you for watching me this far.
903
00:59:36,982 --> 00:59:39,719
Obviously, I did inhale.
904
00:59:43,423 --> 00:59:45,591
"What do we do now, Mr. Big Shot"?
905
00:59:45,657 --> 00:59:49,295
And he calls to God again
and the sea parts.
906
00:59:49,695 --> 00:59:53,033
And even the most doubting
Jew is going "You're good"!
907
00:59:53,299 --> 00:59:58,970
Let's move, don't eat the shellfish,
I'll tell you why later.
908
01:00:00,172 --> 01:00:01,340
Where are we going?
909
01:00:01,506 --> 01:00:03,975
"To Jerusalem to start
years of struggling,"
910
01:00:04,110 --> 01:00:07,080
"and later to Miami
to fuck up an election".
911
01:00:11,750 --> 01:00:15,221
And then the pharaoh comes, the sea
closes and he calls to his cat-like God
912
01:00:15,255 --> 01:00:19,224
but the cat-like God can't do shit,
cause it's afraid of water.
913
01:00:22,861 --> 01:00:25,398
And then there's another miracle.
914
01:00:25,831 --> 01:00:30,570
The night that Mary said to Joe
"Joe, I'm pregnant".
915
01:00:31,103 --> 01:00:34,240
Joe went "Holy Mother of God"!
She went "You're right"!
916
01:00:35,873 --> 01:00:39,545
- Oh, Jesus Christ!
- What a great name, Joe!
917
01:00:39,978 --> 01:00:42,946
"That is so much better
than Shmul. Way to go"!
918
01:00:43,349 --> 01:00:45,916
- I love you, Joe!
- Hold on a minute, Mary.
919
01:00:45,949 --> 01:00:48,184
- So I'm the step father of God's kid?
- Yeah.
920
01:00:48,419 --> 01:00:50,422
"I can't discipline him,
I can't tell him he's wrong,"
921
01:00:50,589 --> 01:00:53,358
cause he'll look to me saying
"You're not my real dad".
922
01:00:53,558 --> 01:00:55,959
- How did it happen?
- It's immaculate, Joe.
923
01:00:56,196 --> 01:01:00,298
"It better be, Mary!
It better be immaculate"!
924
01:01:00,331 --> 01:01:04,968
I'm sorry I'm transforming
Joe into Ralph Cramdon.
925
01:01:07,239 --> 01:01:11,574
Up to that point, all the names
in the Bible are very Jewish.
926
01:01:11,608 --> 01:01:16,079
You have Noah, Moses, Zebedee
and then you get Mary and Joe.
927
01:01:16,113 --> 01:01:19,783
We're just a hyphenate away
from Mary-Jean and Joe-Bob.
928
01:01:20,417 --> 01:01:23,387
We could've had Jim Bob,
the son of God.
929
01:01:24,087 --> 01:01:26,990
Praise to him, Jim-Bob.
930
01:01:27,123 --> 01:01:32,664
He, who finds the stuff
And gets me a job, Jim-Bob!
931
01:01:32,929 --> 01:01:37,235
Jesus was an only child.
Thank God!
932
01:01:37,402 --> 01:01:40,472
Who would want to be Jerry,
the brother of Christ?
933
01:01:42,574 --> 01:01:44,741
That's a tough gig.
934
01:01:44,909 --> 01:01:46,276
"Come on, Jerry,
we're going to the beach".
935
01:01:46,310 --> 01:01:49,479
"Jesus's gonna walk on the water,
feed everybody, heal them"
936
01:01:49,647 --> 01:01:50,948
"and get a whole buch
of disciples".
937
01:01:50,980 --> 01:01:54,251
"I'll sat there with a rash and sand
in my ass. Great day for me"!
938
01:01:56,687 --> 01:02:01,824
He ends up in a bar at the age of 30 going
"Yeah, I'm Jerry Christ, whoo-dee-doo"!
939
01:02:04,059 --> 01:02:08,831
"Yeah, I healed sombody. Come
here Spot, heel! Look at that"!
940
01:02:10,868 --> 01:02:15,271
"Jesus is a carpenter, I'm
a plumber. You do the math"!
941
01:02:16,440 --> 01:02:19,976
And people say to me Jesus wasn't
Jewish. Of course he was Jewish!
942
01:02:20,510 --> 01:02:23,412
Thirty years old, single, living
at home with his parents, come on.
943
01:02:24,447 --> 01:02:25,850
Working in his father's business,
944
01:02:26,015 --> 01:02:28,819
his mother thought he was
God's gift, he's Jewish! Give it up!
945
01:02:30,386 --> 01:02:32,155
It's an old tradition!
946
01:02:33,156 --> 01:02:36,226
And if he was Jewish, and many
of his Disciples were Jewish,
947
01:02:36,391 --> 01:02:39,829
for the Last Supper, would they
have not gone out for Chinese?
948
01:02:40,564 --> 01:02:43,365
"Welcome to Yah-Weh. Hold on
one minute, no service, no sandals".
949
01:02:43,533 --> 01:02:44,566
"OK, you come in now".
950
01:02:44,700 --> 01:02:49,238
"You're twelve. All I got is two
tables of six. They're not together".
951
01:02:49,871 --> 01:02:55,378
"I got one big table by the window,
but you all have to face this way".
952
01:02:59,148 --> 01:03:03,386
"You are glowing, so I guess we won't
need that lamp, that's very nice"!
953
01:03:03,785 --> 01:03:07,223
"You've just turned a Szechwan chicken
into a live chicken, you very good!"
954
01:03:08,790 --> 01:03:12,995
It's said that night, Jesus
turned to his disciples,
955
01:03:13,162 --> 01:03:15,397
and said "One of you
shall betray me".
956
01:03:15,563 --> 01:03:18,901
Peter said, "Is it me, Jesus"?
Jesus said, "It is not you Peter".
957
01:03:19,234 --> 01:03:22,939
Simon said, "Is it me, Jesus"?
Jesus said, "It is not you Simon".
958
01:03:23,372 --> 01:03:24,940
And Judas said
"Is it me, Jesus"?
959
01:03:25,007 --> 01:03:28,210
And Jesus turned to him
"Is it me, Jesus"!?
960
01:03:29,911 --> 01:03:31,780
Thus you see
two traditions beginning
961
01:03:31,913 --> 01:03:35,749
Jewish sarcasm and gentile
humor. Together born!
962
01:03:36,417 --> 01:03:41,056
The next day the miracle occured.
Crucifixion, Resurrection,
963
01:03:41,089 --> 01:03:43,790
and he rose again from the
dead and if he sees his shadow
964
01:03:43,958 --> 01:03:46,094
another 2,000 years of guilt.
Yes!
965
01:03:47,028 --> 01:03:51,765
For me, the one big question is how
do you get Crucifixion, Resurrection
966
01:03:51,833 --> 01:03:54,869
and then chocholate bunnies,
coloured eggs?
967
01:03:56,637 --> 01:03:58,072
How do you do that one?
968
01:03:58,738 --> 01:04:02,343
Even kids are going "Rabbits
don't lay eggs. What is this"?
969
01:04:02,943 --> 01:04:06,314
And you don't want a kid bitting
the head off a chocholate Jesus.
970
01:04:07,448 --> 01:04:10,951
You don't want a cream
filled cross going...
971
01:04:11,652 --> 01:04:13,655
You don't wanna put raspberry
jam in the grass going
972
01:04:13,821 --> 01:04:15,823
"We're looking for Jesus,
kids, come one"!
973
01:04:16,658 --> 01:04:19,694
What are we trying to do?
You're trying to keep them involved.
974
01:04:19,993 --> 01:04:22,829
That's why we have all the saints
that did all those amazing things.
975
01:04:24,431 --> 01:04:26,700
They're all there
to keep your action up.
976
01:04:27,367 --> 01:04:29,437
And then we're starting
to lose them.
977
01:04:29,471 --> 01:04:30,570
Like Saint Christopher...
978
01:04:30,739 --> 01:04:33,774
"Chris, sorry, babe.
Dashboard sales are down".
979
01:04:35,709 --> 01:04:36,810
"The medals aren't selling well".
980
01:04:36,944 --> 01:04:40,148
"Drop the kid off your back, pick
up your stuff, you're outta here".
981
01:04:40,246 --> 01:04:42,981
"We're gonna have Saint Prada,
all ladies accesories".
982
01:04:44,416 --> 01:04:47,485
But I want a saint
like Mother Teresa.
983
01:04:47,621 --> 01:04:51,593
She said "You can do only
small things with great love".
984
01:04:51,625 --> 01:04:54,093
And Pat Robinson said
"She's not a real Christian"!
985
01:04:54,127 --> 01:04:57,730
"Why? Cause she doesn't have
tag shelther and a university"?
986
01:04:58,364 --> 01:05:02,368
Mother Teresa never had a line
of products, her own perfume...
987
01:05:02,635 --> 01:05:05,503
"Compassion" by Mother Teresa.
988
01:05:05,673 --> 01:05:08,708
"I smell, because I care.
Compassion"!
989
01:05:09,310 --> 01:05:11,845
Gandhi never had "Gandhi Jeans"...
990
01:05:12,578 --> 01:05:16,782
"Whether you're simply not eating or
telling the English to get the fuck out"!
991
01:05:17,382 --> 01:05:20,153
"They come in size one and below".
992
01:05:21,452 --> 01:05:23,724
Gandhi was an amazing man.
993
01:05:23,890 --> 01:05:25,858
They asked him "What do you
think about Western civilization"?
994
01:05:26,059 --> 01:05:28,595
He said "I think it would
be a wonderful idea".
995
01:05:29,262 --> 01:05:34,566
As beatific as Gandhi was, there
was somebody in a Bombay bar going
996
01:05:35,236 --> 01:05:38,937
"I know Gandhi.
He was a prick".
997
01:05:40,539 --> 01:05:44,110
"I saw him sucking on a pork hot-dog,
hitting on Mother Teresa".
998
01:05:44,309 --> 01:05:47,845
"He kept saying
Who's your diaper daddy"?
999
01:05:50,181 --> 01:05:51,616
"I saw that with my eyes".
1000
01:05:51,748 --> 01:05:55,155
"If you don't believe me, I'll
bitch slap you like Shiva".
1001
01:05:56,654 --> 01:05:59,791
"Don't press this.
Don't fucking do that"!
1002
01:06:00,191 --> 01:06:02,262
"Don't go ding-dong,
you asshole"!
1003
01:06:03,194 --> 01:06:04,964
"Cause India has the
atomic bomb, my friend".
1004
01:06:05,129 --> 01:06:07,966
"I could turn this whole
place into Chicken Tika".
1005
01:06:08,667 --> 01:06:10,467
India has the bomb.
Pakistan has the bomb.
1006
01:06:10,501 --> 01:06:12,171
And we're prepared
to fight over Kashmir.
1007
01:06:12,336 --> 01:06:15,741
And your president probably thought
it was a sweater. What an asshole!
1008
01:06:17,341 --> 01:06:21,547
India detonated
700 ground nuclear tests.
1009
01:06:21,713 --> 01:06:23,949
Pakistan detonated
700 ground nuclear tests.
1010
01:06:24,216 --> 01:06:26,717
And your spy satelites were
like Ray Charles in the Louvre.
1011
01:06:26,884 --> 01:06:28,686
They didn't have a fucking clue.
1012
01:06:30,389 --> 01:06:33,123
India has the bomb.
Pakistan has the bomb.
1013
01:06:33,257 --> 01:06:34,193
China has the bomb.
1014
01:06:34,356 --> 01:06:37,762
Or maybe they just have one
billion people go "Boom"!
1015
01:06:38,463 --> 01:06:42,500
Russia has the bomb.
"We have many bombs".
1016
01:06:43,367 --> 01:06:46,002
"We don't know
where they all are"!
1017
01:06:47,804 --> 01:06:50,607
Maybe you want a dirty bomb.
1018
01:06:52,210 --> 01:06:54,846
And the French have a bomb, too.
1019
01:06:55,111 --> 01:06:57,849
Maybe they have the Michelin
bomb that only destroys
1020
01:06:57,981 --> 01:06:59,817
restaurants under four stars.
1021
01:07:00,951 --> 01:07:04,489
They still test their bombs.
They still detonate their bombs.
1022
01:07:04,621 --> 01:07:06,189
Where did they do
the undeground test?
1023
01:07:06,324 --> 01:07:07,859
In the Sahara,
in the total wasteland?
1024
01:07:07,891 --> 01:07:12,363
No, fuck off!
In Tahiti! In paradise.
1025
01:07:12,629 --> 01:07:15,832
Why?
"Because we're French".
1026
01:07:16,033 --> 01:07:18,002
"Oh, look a Green Peace
boat's come to protest".
1027
01:07:18,168 --> 01:07:19,871
"Fuck off, I sink you".
1028
01:07:20,270 --> 01:07:22,673
"I'm the baddest mother
fucker, am I not"?
1029
01:07:22,872 --> 01:07:25,540
"Look, I'm giving a
cigarette to a baby".
1030
01:07:27,009 --> 01:07:32,081
"Suck on the cigarette.
Life is shit. Get to know this".
1031
01:07:32,616 --> 01:07:35,652
"You, Americans.
Fuck all of you Americans"!
1032
01:07:38,255 --> 01:07:42,391
"Americans, you politically correct.
You cultureless crack Americans".
1033
01:07:42,625 --> 01:07:44,527
"We hate all of you.
Fuck off"!
1034
01:07:44,560 --> 01:07:48,830
"The Germans are here...
Hello, Americans"!
1035
01:07:49,732 --> 01:07:55,104
"I love you!
Come on, Americans".
1036
01:07:56,572 --> 01:07:59,376
"Welcome back, Americans"!
1037
01:07:59,743 --> 01:08:01,777
"You can build a Disneyland
near Paris".
1038
01:08:03,111 --> 01:08:05,647
"We won't go, but build it".
1039
01:08:05,881 --> 01:08:09,453
"It will have a Minnie mouse with
armpit hair. It will be great"!
1040
01:08:10,119 --> 01:08:13,924
Smoking a Galloise, going
"I never loved Mickey".
1041
01:08:14,623 --> 01:08:18,761
"He has three fingers. What am I,
a bowling ball? Fuck off"!
1042
01:08:19,629 --> 01:08:20,694
"Don't love him"!
1043
01:08:25,967 --> 01:08:29,205
But there is one country
that watches out for all of us
1044
01:08:29,337 --> 01:08:33,074
the Swiss, ya!
The Geneva Convention.
1045
01:08:33,210 --> 01:08:35,744
If there's ever a nuclear war,
they will be the only people going
1046
01:08:35,878 --> 01:08:37,646
"What was that noise"?
1047
01:08:38,613 --> 01:08:40,316
In their big hollowed out country,
1048
01:08:40,448 --> 01:08:42,618
with their chocholate
and their watches. Ya!
1049
01:08:43,218 --> 01:08:45,488
The nice Germans. Ya!
1050
01:08:46,122 --> 01:08:48,923
Or, as they like to say,
"the other white race".
1051
01:08:50,058 --> 01:08:51,926
I have only one question.
1052
01:08:52,060 --> 01:08:57,732
How can you trust an army, that
has a wine opener on it's knife?
1053
01:08:59,099 --> 01:09:02,772
"Many of you, men, have never
opened Chardonnay under fire".
1054
01:09:06,106 --> 01:09:10,813
"You take out the wine bottle,
pull out the cock and throw"!
1055
01:09:11,012 --> 01:09:14,682
"I don't know, but I've been told,
Chardonnay must be self-cold".
1056
01:09:15,751 --> 01:09:20,521
My God! Where did all this
Impresionistic art come from?
1057
01:09:21,122 --> 01:09:24,290
And all these jewelry
from 1939 to 1945?
1058
01:09:25,160 --> 01:09:27,928
Fairies must've brought
it during the night.
1059
01:09:28,430 --> 01:09:32,332
I have to do the Heimlich and
cough up an account number.
1060
01:09:33,500 --> 01:09:35,037
I know this one thing...
1061
01:09:35,169 --> 01:09:39,574
I know there's one country that is not
developing a weapon of destruction.
1062
01:09:39,606 --> 01:09:42,910
That does not have a secret
weapon's lab up in the mountains.
1063
01:09:43,043 --> 01:09:44,713
Jamaica!
1064
01:09:47,849 --> 01:09:50,016
Jamaica would never make
an atomic bomb.
1065
01:09:50,618 --> 01:09:53,520
They may make
an atomic bong.
1066
01:09:54,021 --> 01:09:57,525
But I'd rather fight the war with an atomic bong
cause, when the atomic bomb goes off,
1067
01:09:57,658 --> 01:10:00,359
there's devastation and radiation.
1068
01:10:00,427 --> 01:10:04,665
When the atomic bong goes off,
there's celebration!
1069
01:10:09,502 --> 01:10:11,472
Smokes a split for the communion.
1070
01:10:11,604 --> 01:10:13,372
If you don't see Jesus then,
you never will.
1071
01:10:16,442 --> 01:10:19,177
I know only one thing.
1072
01:10:19,312 --> 01:10:22,250
I never met me
an angry pot smoker.
1073
01:10:22,482 --> 01:10:28,221
I never met a man who said
"Hey, you fucking prick"!
1074
01:10:42,101 --> 01:10:46,139
"Oh, fuck"!
1075
01:10:46,273 --> 01:10:47,608
"What was I gonna do"!?
1076
01:10:49,307 --> 01:10:51,677
"Hold me, you piece of shit.
Get over here"!
1077
01:10:51,878 --> 01:10:56,148
Because you see,
marihuana...
1078
01:10:59,584 --> 01:11:02,255
I know this one.
Wait a minute.
1079
01:11:10,362 --> 01:11:12,097
If you smoke a lot of pot, you may
never become a rocket scientist.
1080
01:11:12,231 --> 01:11:14,534
Or maybe...
1081
01:11:15,468 --> 01:11:18,903
If you seen some of the things that
happened recently to NASA, maybe you can.
1082
01:11:22,172 --> 01:11:23,809
"The Mars lander..."
1083
01:11:25,443 --> 01:11:28,213
"I did the calculations in feet,"
1084
01:11:28,513 --> 01:11:31,616
"but I programmed
the lander in meters".
1085
01:11:35,019 --> 01:11:38,155
"So, instead of landing,
fucker burried"!
1086
01:11:38,823 --> 01:11:41,893
"185 million dollars... oopsy"!
1087
01:11:42,060 --> 01:11:44,129
"Two years... splat"!
1088
01:11:44,327 --> 01:11:47,199
"OK, fuck!
Here's a better one"!
1089
01:11:49,201 --> 01:11:51,503
"The Hubble Telescope..."
1090
01:11:51,702 --> 01:11:55,040
"I forgot to put in a lens".
1091
01:11:55,640 --> 01:11:58,809
Read the top line.
"Officer Jerry, serial..."
1092
01:11:58,944 --> 01:12:01,245
"The rest is just a black hole".
1093
01:12:01,946 --> 01:12:05,448
I once called Steven Hawking's house,
"Hello, this is Steven Hawking".
1094
01:12:05,784 --> 01:12:09,086
- Yes, I'd like to leave a message.
- No, this is Steven Hawking.
1095
01:12:11,424 --> 01:12:12,690
I know one thing though.
1096
01:12:13,323 --> 01:12:16,993
Pot is not like alcohol.
Alcohol changes your moods.
1097
01:12:17,261 --> 01:12:21,266
Go to a bar at happy hour and see
some happy motherfuckers there.
1098
01:12:22,265 --> 01:12:25,035
See those guys going,
"Hey, fuck you, my man"!
1099
01:12:26,804 --> 01:12:28,539
"Hey, listen to me".
1100
01:12:30,008 --> 01:12:33,178
"Listen to me, you piece of shit".
1101
01:12:33,946 --> 01:12:38,182
"You do not know shit
about fuck, my man".
1102
01:12:41,786 --> 01:12:44,353
"You want a piece of yourself"?
1103
01:12:45,155 --> 01:12:48,290
"Step outside, I'll kick my ass".
1104
01:12:48,525 --> 01:12:50,860
"I've already shit myself,
I'm halfway there".
1105
01:12:54,197 --> 01:12:57,500
Some people know,
you can deal with it geneticaly.
1106
01:12:57,533 --> 01:12:59,203
If you're Irish, you've
got a running start
1107
01:12:59,335 --> 01:13:00,737
that you can do it
better than we are.
1108
01:13:01,538 --> 01:13:06,743
If you're Irish, you'll kick my ass
but then you'll sing about it, afterwards.
1109
01:13:07,177 --> 01:13:09,346
"Oh, the night you
said my wife was fat,"
1110
01:13:09,478 --> 01:13:11,079
"I knocked you down
and shit in your hat".
1111
01:13:15,985 --> 01:13:19,923
And then you keep drinking 'til you're
in your 80s and you're on a dialysis machine,
1112
01:13:19,955 --> 01:13:23,458
doing liver dancing
Michael Flatline.
1113
01:13:24,360 --> 01:13:26,594
And they say the Irish
saved civilization,
1114
01:13:26,662 --> 01:13:27,996
drank a couple of Guiness
1115
01:13:28,131 --> 01:13:30,666
and forgot where they fucking put it.
But that's all right!
1116
01:13:30,732 --> 01:13:35,638
The Japanese drink
differently than us.
1117
01:13:36,505 --> 01:13:38,540
You could be polite during the day
1118
01:13:38,675 --> 01:13:40,944
and all of a sudden you're
"Arigato gozaimas".
1119
01:13:41,277 --> 01:13:45,913
And after five Jack Daniels...
"Tie the yellow ribbon"!
1120
01:13:49,585 --> 01:13:52,922
Karaoke for
"asshole with a microphone".
1121
01:13:53,456 --> 01:13:55,959
"Sing, you round eyed fuck, come on"!
1122
01:13:57,459 --> 01:14:03,065
And If you want a linguistic adventure,
go drinkin' with a Scotsman.
1123
01:14:03,098 --> 01:14:06,503
Cause you can't fucking
understand them before...
1124
01:14:07,169 --> 01:14:08,638
You land in Scotland
and they're going
1125
01:14:11,639 --> 01:14:14,441
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah?
1126
01:14:19,781 --> 01:14:22,317
- Sure.
- Oh, fuck sure, eh?
1127
01:14:27,357 --> 01:14:30,891
- Sure!
- Oh sure, you dumb fucking bastard.
1128
01:14:33,928 --> 01:14:37,933
And you realize how drunk they get,
they could wear a skirt and not care!
1129
01:14:38,699 --> 01:14:41,438
And how they could invent
a sport like golf.
1130
01:14:42,603 --> 01:14:45,441
Here's my idea for a fucking sport.
1131
01:14:45,940 --> 01:14:48,875
I knock a ball in a gopher hole.
1132
01:14:49,610 --> 01:14:52,379
- Oh, you mean like pool?
- Fuck off pool!
1133
01:14:52,413 --> 01:14:55,583
Not with a straight stick,
with a little fucked up stick!
1134
01:14:56,584 --> 01:14:59,453
I whack the ball, it goes
in a gopher hole.
1135
01:15:00,155 --> 01:15:03,390
- Oh, you mean like croquet?
- Fuck croquet!
1136
01:15:04,090 --> 01:15:07,261
I put the hole hundreds
of yards away!
1137
01:15:08,495 --> 01:15:12,567
Oh, fuck yeah!
There's big fun there!
1138
01:15:15,703 --> 01:15:18,339
- Oh, like a bowling thing?
- Fuck no!
1139
01:15:18,805 --> 01:15:21,041
Not straight,
I put shit in the way!
1140
01:15:21,942 --> 01:15:25,044
Like trees and bushes and high grass.
1141
01:15:25,279 --> 01:15:27,447
So you can lose you fucking ball.
1142
01:15:27,481 --> 01:15:30,551
And go hacking away
with a fucking tire iron!
1143
01:15:30,617 --> 01:15:34,622
Whacking away, and each time you miss
you feel like you're gonna have a stroke!
1144
01:15:35,289 --> 01:15:37,892
Fuck that's what we'll
call it, a stroke,
1145
01:15:38,057 --> 01:15:41,561
cause each time you miss you
feel like you're gonna fucking die!
1146
01:15:42,395 --> 01:15:45,798
Oh great, oh and here's the
better part. Fuck, this is brilliant!
1147
01:15:46,031 --> 01:15:48,802
Right near the end,
I'll put a little flat piece
1148
01:15:48,969 --> 01:15:51,371
with a little flag to
give you fucking hope.
1149
01:15:52,470 --> 01:15:55,841
But then I'll put a
pool and a sandbox,
1150
01:15:56,009 --> 01:15:58,177
to fuck with your ball again!
1151
01:15:58,445 --> 01:16:03,282
You'll be there trashing your ass,
jerking away in the sand.
1152
01:16:03,551 --> 01:16:07,520
- And you do this one time?
- Fuck no!
1153
01:16:07,686 --> 01:16:12,391
Eighteen fucking times!
1154
01:16:20,900 --> 01:16:23,403
There you have a sport!
1155
01:16:23,969 --> 01:16:25,237
The manly sport of golf,
1156
01:16:25,371 --> 01:16:28,006
where you can dress like a
pimp and no one will care.
1157
01:16:28,373 --> 01:16:33,712
Where even a blind gay man would go,
"Oh, dear Christ"!
1158
01:16:34,179 --> 01:16:37,881
"Those are loud, this is not carnival!
What the fuck are you on"?
1159
01:16:38,350 --> 01:16:41,252
Even the aligator's going,
"Asshole"!
1160
01:16:42,921 --> 01:16:47,660
It's such an athletic sport,
whack the ball, get in the car.
1161
01:16:48,661 --> 01:16:51,196
Whack the ball,
get in the car.
1162
01:16:51,496 --> 01:16:53,567
And the commentary's electrifying.
1163
01:16:54,031 --> 01:16:56,935
Just this side of Curling,
for really getting me going.
1164
01:16:57,069 --> 01:16:59,338
"We're on the third green now".
1165
01:17:01,040 --> 01:17:04,309
"Could people be quieter,
I'd like to hear the grass grow".
1166
01:17:06,010 --> 01:17:09,848
I want the guy who does Mexican
soccer to do golf one time.
1167
01:17:11,483 --> 01:17:14,220
"The ball is rolling,
the ball is going to the..."
1168
01:17:14,352 --> 01:17:22,059
"Hole"!
1169
01:17:25,363 --> 01:17:27,499
Just to see all those
waspy motherfuckers going,
1170
01:17:27,632 --> 01:17:29,499
"Oh, dear Christ"!
1171
01:17:30,335 --> 01:17:33,938
"My God, they're not gardening,
they're playing now, oh, shit"!
1172
01:17:34,338 --> 01:17:38,041
"What the hell are we gonna do"?
That was their last domain of dominance.
1173
01:17:38,243 --> 01:17:40,078
It was their area.
They were the king.
1174
01:17:40,209 --> 01:17:43,213
Up until... Tiger!
1175
01:17:46,750 --> 01:17:49,453
Son of a black man
and a Thai woman.
1176
01:17:49,486 --> 01:17:52,555
Not even a German geneticist
could've thought than one up!
1177
01:17:53,391 --> 01:17:57,593
Black athletic ability,
Buddhist concentration.
1178
01:18:01,297 --> 01:18:03,599
Crouching Potter.
1179
01:18:04,168 --> 01:18:06,570
And then he goes
to the British Open,
1180
01:18:06,703 --> 01:18:10,708
and he plays at Saint Andrews,
where they fucking invented the sport.
1181
01:18:10,775 --> 01:18:13,477
And after the forth round,
he's 18 under par.
1182
01:18:13,510 --> 01:18:16,380
And there's only 18 fucking holes.
1183
01:18:16,747 --> 01:18:21,018
And all the old men are going,
"My God, we're doomed"!
1184
01:18:21,185 --> 01:18:24,588
"How did he learn to play?
We wouldn't let him join, dear God"!
1185
01:18:24,987 --> 01:18:27,292
And they start having nightmares
of golf carts going...
1186
01:18:31,562 --> 01:18:33,564
"Yo, yo, yo, I'm playing through,"
1187
01:18:33,696 --> 01:18:35,731
"Whether you're a gentile or a Jew."
1188
01:18:35,797 --> 01:18:39,067
"Purple beats, motherfucker"!
1189
01:18:46,042 --> 01:18:50,146
All of your gentle sports are no longer
gentle. Tennis used to be...
1190
01:18:53,416 --> 01:18:54,751
Until the Williams sisters...
1191
01:19:00,922 --> 01:19:04,025
- 40, love?
- No, that's good love, baby!
1192
01:19:06,161 --> 01:19:08,296
Even boxing's changed.
1193
01:19:08,364 --> 01:19:11,932
Remember boxing, people go, "I go
to boxing to watch the sport of boxing".
1194
01:19:11,967 --> 01:19:14,036
Like saying,
"I go to stock car races"
1195
01:19:14,169 --> 01:19:16,906
"to see people take
left turns all day".
1196
01:19:17,305 --> 01:19:21,243
No, you go to boxing to see
someone get the fuck beat out of him.
1197
01:19:21,445 --> 01:19:25,080
Even the guy who loses is going,
"I have 18 million dollars".
1198
01:19:25,481 --> 01:19:27,416
"I don't know where it fucking is..."
1199
01:19:28,816 --> 01:19:33,955
"I'm gonna buy me a big ass house,
but I can't find it. Fuck off"!
1200
01:19:35,056 --> 01:19:39,062
Boxing was the same.
And then Mike Tyson!
1201
01:19:39,929 --> 01:19:42,495
Mike Tyson comes along
and bites somebody.
1202
01:19:43,364 --> 01:19:46,067
Let's get ready to nibble!
1203
01:19:46,935 --> 01:19:49,271
All these guys're going,
"Oh, dear God, he bit somebody"!
1204
01:19:49,471 --> 01:19:51,139
I'm saying, "You're lucky
he just bit somebody".
1205
01:19:51,273 --> 01:19:54,442
"Mike just got out of prison.
You're lucky he didn't fuck him".
1206
01:19:55,845 --> 01:19:59,314
You bite somebody in jail its like,
"Get ready bitch, you're mine now"!
1207
01:19:59,613 --> 01:20:01,416
- Break it up!
- We're not finished.
1208
01:20:01,449 --> 01:20:04,319
Mike said to a journalist, "I'm gonna
fuck you, till you love me".
1209
01:20:04,452 --> 01:20:07,522
At that point I'm going, "Someone
didn't come here to box, babe".
1210
01:20:08,454 --> 01:20:12,493
Mike said, "I'm on Zoloft, so I
don't kill you, motherfuckers"!
1211
01:20:12,925 --> 01:20:15,596
I'm going,
"Up the dosage, Mike"!
1212
01:20:16,864 --> 01:20:19,933
There's all these drugs,
Zoloft, Prozac.
1213
01:20:20,067 --> 01:20:22,270
I wanna have one drug
encompassing it all.
1214
01:20:22,535 --> 01:20:24,872
Call it "Fuck It All".
1215
01:20:25,606 --> 01:20:29,709
I don't feel anything, I don't
wanna do anything, "Fuck It All".
1216
01:20:30,643 --> 01:20:34,049
The closest thing to a coma
you'll ever be, "Fuck It All".
1217
01:20:34,483 --> 01:20:37,751
I'm sitting here in my own dong,
"Fuck It All".
1218
01:20:38,686 --> 01:20:41,722
The scary thing about drugs is that
they have some horrible side effect.
1219
01:20:41,956 --> 01:20:43,824
"May cause artificial insemination".
1220
01:20:47,162 --> 01:20:48,696
What?
What do you mean?
1221
01:20:49,395 --> 01:20:52,631
There's a product called Olestra,
which is a very strange thing.
1222
01:20:52,664 --> 01:20:54,135
Olestra? What is that?
1223
01:20:54,268 --> 01:20:57,671
It said on the little side of the chips,
"May cause anal leakage".
1224
01:21:00,807 --> 01:21:04,011
That's not a side effect
if my ass is going...
1225
01:21:05,477 --> 01:21:08,414
I think that's an effect, really!
1226
01:21:09,350 --> 01:21:13,186
"Fire in the hole"!
Bad day!
1227
01:21:14,354 --> 01:21:18,424
- How you're doing, Bob?
- Just a little anal leakage, Ted.
1228
01:21:19,026 --> 01:21:22,029
Bob, you wanna get out
of the pool right now?
1229
01:21:26,332 --> 01:21:30,769
I want science to help me.
God, look at me! Look at this!
1230
01:21:30,903 --> 01:21:33,872
I had women in NY saying
"Don't wear fur"!
1231
01:21:35,009 --> 01:21:39,113
The politically correct... red paint
"Fuck off, lady, it's me"!
1232
01:21:39,412 --> 01:21:41,882
I'm a fucking Chia pet.
1233
01:21:42,481 --> 01:21:45,785
I've gone to the zoo
and had monkeys go...
1234
01:21:52,191 --> 01:21:54,057
Anybody who thinks the
zoo is a happy place,
1235
01:21:54,195 --> 01:21:57,231
go and watch the monkeys wait
for groups of school children.
1236
01:21:57,363 --> 01:22:01,133
Watch the fun.
The monkeys sit there, like...
1237
01:22:01,534 --> 01:22:03,502
"Wait for it".
1238
01:22:05,570 --> 01:22:08,373
"Wait 'til the teacher comes
with the video camera".
1239
01:22:10,042 --> 01:22:10,376
"Now"!
1240
01:22:21,552 --> 01:22:23,256
Cause they're not happy.
1241
01:22:23,421 --> 01:22:26,024
Even the poor animals
like Ling Ling the panda,
1242
01:22:26,158 --> 01:22:28,627
she must mate, so you can
build the wing on the zoo.
1243
01:22:28,826 --> 01:22:31,296
They go to China,
they anesthesize a panda,
1244
01:22:31,430 --> 01:22:32,598
which is kinda redundant...
1245
01:22:34,332 --> 01:22:37,569
They bring him back to America
and give him a name like Ping Pong.
1246
01:22:38,270 --> 01:22:40,671
When his Chinese name was
Who Shu Ko Hu,
1247
01:22:40,905 --> 01:22:42,573
"Bear with Balls of Steel".
1248
01:22:43,474 --> 01:22:46,344
They put him in the cage with
Ling Ling, saying "Go, mate"!
1249
01:22:46,443 --> 01:22:50,180
He looks at her like,
"I would never fuck her"!
1250
01:22:52,583 --> 01:22:56,053
"That is one ugly panda bitch".
1251
01:22:56,621 --> 01:23:00,692
"If you were a panda, you'd know that's
the fucking ugliest panda bitch there is".
1252
01:23:01,492 --> 01:23:04,397
"I wouldn't have fucked her
with a koala's dick"!
1253
01:23:05,662 --> 01:23:06,963
"Fuck off"!
1254
01:23:07,532 --> 01:23:11,101
"I would rather lick my own balls,
than fuck that panda bitch"!
1255
01:23:13,404 --> 01:23:16,708
There's only one animal
who can tell you
1256
01:23:16,841 --> 01:23:18,609
if she's happy
and wants to mate.
1257
01:23:19,010 --> 01:23:21,345
That is Coco,
the silverback gorilla.
1258
01:23:21,413 --> 01:23:24,180
She saw me,
the blue eyed simian.
1259
01:23:25,117 --> 01:23:26,650
She was intrigued.
1260
01:23:27,118 --> 01:23:29,453
She said to her trainer...
1261
01:23:29,487 --> 01:23:31,688
- What does that mean?
- She wants you to tickle her.
1262
01:23:31,722 --> 01:23:32,557
OK, I tickle her...
1263
01:23:34,224 --> 01:23:36,393
Then she goes...
1264
01:23:36,425 --> 01:23:39,030
- What does that mean?
- She wants you to lift your shirt.
1265
01:23:40,531 --> 01:23:44,900
I lift my shirt, she reaches out
and grabs both my nipples.
1266
01:23:45,837 --> 01:23:49,072
And when an 800 pound
gorilla's got you by the tits...
1267
01:23:49,573 --> 01:23:51,541
you listen!
1268
01:23:51,742 --> 01:23:55,412
Then my balls went,
"Somebody wants to play".
1269
01:23:56,613 --> 01:23:59,381
- Should we go to phase two?
- No! Do not go to phase two!
1270
01:24:01,985 --> 01:24:06,022
"I repeat!
Do not go to lift off"!
1271
01:24:06,624 --> 01:24:09,525
"This may feel like a human, but
notice the placement of the tumbs".
1272
01:24:09,658 --> 01:24:11,392
"This is not a human"!
1273
01:24:12,061 --> 01:24:13,865
"Do not go to phase two"!
1274
01:24:14,196 --> 01:24:15,999
"Warning! Warning"!
1275
01:24:16,531 --> 01:24:18,902
She must've sense something,
cause she grabes me by the hand,
1276
01:24:19,034 --> 01:24:21,605
takes me in the back.
Daktari meets Deliverance.
1277
01:24:21,970 --> 01:24:25,308
I'm expecting the crocodile
hunter to walk out and go,
1278
01:24:25,441 --> 01:24:30,346
"Oh, cranky! She wants
to fuck his brains out"!
1279
01:24:31,246 --> 01:24:35,049
"Watch out, boys and girls.
Danger! Danger! Danger"!
1280
01:24:35,683 --> 01:24:40,890
"This could be like that time I
put my finger in a crock's cloette".
1281
01:24:42,092 --> 01:24:45,860
But part of me went,
"Could be fun"!
1282
01:24:47,662 --> 01:24:50,000
Make a great story for a bar.
1283
01:24:50,699 --> 01:24:53,301
A guy's going "I had
a wild night in Vegas".
1284
01:24:53,802 --> 01:24:56,371
"Yeah? Well I banged a gorilla".
1285
01:24:58,541 --> 01:24:59,875
"Where's everybody going"?
1286
01:25:02,678 --> 01:25:07,449
And you don't want that
late night phone call, "Hello"?
1287
01:25:08,918 --> 01:25:11,286
"Don't call me"!
1288
01:25:12,988 --> 01:25:14,956
Maybe it's because I'm 50.
1289
01:25:15,090 --> 01:25:18,260
When you hit 50, the old machinery
doesn't work so well.
1290
01:25:18,327 --> 01:25:22,464
You be at a public rest room going,
"How're you doing? Great game today, huh"?
1291
01:25:46,321 --> 01:25:49,089
"Oh, boy"!
1292
01:25:49,258 --> 01:25:53,794
What's happened is your prostate
is bigger than your ego now.
1293
01:25:54,126 --> 01:25:58,164
When you're in your 40s, you go to
the doctor they have to do the old...
1294
01:25:59,166 --> 01:26:00,300
First time is "Oh, my God"!
1295
01:26:00,433 --> 01:26:02,771
"I'm just putting on the
glove, Mr. Williams".
1296
01:26:03,338 --> 01:26:05,807
I went back the second time and
I moaned another doctor's name.
1297
01:26:05,940 --> 01:26:06,940
Don't do that!
1298
01:26:09,510 --> 01:26:13,179
- Who's Dr. Smith?
- You're the only one!
1299
01:26:13,847 --> 01:26:15,950
When a woman has to
go to the gynecologist,
1300
01:26:16,083 --> 01:26:18,319
you don't want a doctor
who has a hobby.
1301
01:26:18,820 --> 01:26:21,421
You don't want a gynecologist
who's also a magician.
1302
01:26:22,624 --> 01:26:26,459
You don't want somebody going,
"How are we today... Oh, a dove"!
1303
01:26:27,828 --> 01:26:29,863
"Wow, what's this"?!
1304
01:26:33,099 --> 01:26:35,367
"Is this your card"?
1305
01:26:35,537 --> 01:26:40,541
I don't want a doctor who's a
proctologist and ventriloquist. No!
1306
01:26:41,341 --> 01:26:42,643
"How you're doing today"?
1307
01:26:42,775 --> 01:26:45,546
"Take your hand out of my ass.
I'm not a muppet. Move it"!
1308
01:26:46,746 --> 01:26:52,385
In your 50s it's no longer the...
It's the ortho-proctoscope.
1309
01:26:52,417 --> 01:26:54,353
The colonoscopy.
That's what W. did.
1310
01:26:54,719 --> 01:26:57,458
It's a video camera
on the end of a rodeo rudder.
1311
01:26:58,658 --> 01:27:00,994
And it's going up you!
1312
01:27:01,426 --> 01:27:04,197
Suddenly, you're your own
Discovery channel special.
1313
01:27:05,197 --> 01:27:08,433
"Slowly, we're going up
Robin's colon".
1314
01:27:09,068 --> 01:27:10,936
"This must be what you see".
1315
01:27:11,204 --> 01:27:16,009
"Slowly up ahead,
a burger he had in '85".
1316
01:27:16,275 --> 01:27:20,246
- Is that a polyp?
- That's a fart, Mr. Williams.
1317
01:27:20,713 --> 01:27:22,782
They go further up your ass,
they blow air.
1318
01:27:23,583 --> 01:27:26,118
Now you're a fucking party favour.
1319
01:27:28,488 --> 01:27:33,624
Oh, doctor, give me all you can take!
I'm a man. Give me 120 psi!
1320
01:27:34,795 --> 01:27:36,294
You feel like a Pinata,
you think little Mexican kids
1321
01:27:36,429 --> 01:27:39,098
are gonna come out and go,
"Get the presents"!
1322
01:27:39,764 --> 01:27:43,702
The air is coming this way.
The farts are going, "Incoming"!
1323
01:27:44,338 --> 01:27:47,305
"It's not a... No finger!
It's the midget!
1324
01:27:47,339 --> 01:27:50,443
"Fall back behind the shit,
wait for my command"!
1325
01:27:51,376 --> 01:27:54,378
"Prepare to make
the wet sloppy noise"!
1326
01:27:54,076 --> 01:27:59,379
Because the moment they pull that
tube out of your ass, you are an evinrude!
1327
01:28:03,655 --> 01:28:07,925
"Rolling, rolling, rolling
Keep that colon flowing"!
1328
01:28:10,693 --> 01:28:13,664
Fourty miles, blowing outta you!
1329
01:28:16,936 --> 01:28:21,239
You put on your pants and you're floating
like a balloon spinning on the America's Cup.
1330
01:28:22,040 --> 01:28:24,142
"Coming about, Jimmy.
She's your"!
1331
01:28:25,576 --> 01:28:28,112
And then you realize...
"Oh, shit, fire in the hole"!
1332
01:28:29,280 --> 01:28:32,149
"Tighten up boys, we're not
gonna drop here"!
1333
01:28:32,583 --> 01:28:34,218
"Thank you, doctor.
See you next week".
1334
01:28:38,657 --> 01:28:40,322
"Hold the elevator"!
1335
01:28:41,227 --> 01:28:42,927
"Fuck you, you bastard"!
1336
01:28:48,766 --> 01:28:49,900
Seven flights of stairs.
1337
01:28:51,235 --> 01:28:54,003
Everybody you pass,
you're going "It's me"!
1338
01:28:54,738 --> 01:28:57,641
Dogs look at you like
"Roll over, man, you're dead"!
1339
01:28:58,341 --> 01:29:01,178
You just wanna borrow a match.
"Give me that"!
1340
01:29:02,045 --> 01:29:03,414
Flaming asshole.
1341
01:29:04,014 --> 01:29:08,818
That's what you are. You're
a flaming asshole! You're 50!
1342
01:29:09,752 --> 01:29:12,155
And can they make a drug
to help you through all of that,
1343
01:29:12,322 --> 01:29:14,723
to keep all of your organs intact
'til your golden years? No!
1344
01:29:15,958 --> 01:29:17,594
Can they make a drug to give you
1345
01:29:17,727 --> 01:29:20,364
mental clarity to your
golden time? No!
1346
01:29:21,465 --> 01:29:25,034
They've got a drug to make you
harder than Chinese algebra!
1347
01:29:26,667 --> 01:29:29,339
Grandpa can have wood again.
1348
01:29:33,042 --> 01:29:35,077
- I don't need the walker!
- I see that!
1349
01:29:36,345 --> 01:29:37,479
And your grandmother's going
1350
01:29:37,614 --> 01:29:39,915
"Shit! I thought the war was over"!
1351
01:29:40,783 --> 01:29:44,453
"Get me a tetanus shot, if you gonna
stick me with that rusty thing"!
1352
01:29:51,429 --> 01:29:55,866
People have died on Viagra.
They have to have the open coffin...
1353
01:29:56,734 --> 01:30:00,634
"Oh, dear God, I don't
remember Pete being like that".
1354
01:30:01,137 --> 01:30:03,139
"Kids, go get some horse shoes".
1355
01:30:04,441 --> 01:30:06,374
"He would've wanted it that way".
1356
01:30:06,976 --> 01:30:11,546
You used to get that from some
strange Chinese aphrodisiac.
1357
01:30:11,580 --> 01:30:14,382
Like humming bird
eyelash and rhino horn.
1358
01:30:14,950 --> 01:30:17,018
To give you great masculinity.
1359
01:30:17,553 --> 01:30:22,924
But now you're on Viagra.
You are back! You are Frankencock!
1360
01:30:23,260 --> 01:30:26,228
You are "the Inseminator"!
1361
01:30:26,395 --> 01:30:28,298
You are ready to go!
1362
01:30:28,430 --> 01:30:33,701
You're gonna be going for one
hour, one hour and a half!
1363
01:30:34,203 --> 01:30:37,737
Guys are going "Yeah"!
Women are going "Uh-uh".
1364
01:30:38,774 --> 01:30:41,843
Cause after the first hour,
your wife's going
1365
01:30:41,876 --> 01:30:45,881
"Yay, oh, big daddy..."
1366
01:30:47,648 --> 01:30:49,684
"Listen, I got shit to do, OK"?
1367
01:30:55,323 --> 01:30:56,425
"Hello"?
1368
01:30:57,859 --> 01:31:01,563
"Yeah, I'll be late today.
Viagra, fucking..."
1369
01:31:03,098 --> 01:31:07,502
"I'll try and get there.
Go outside with that thing"!
1370
01:31:08,337 --> 01:31:09,503
You can't go outside with a hard-on
1371
01:31:09,638 --> 01:31:12,239
cause the cat just
waits for you to go...
1372
01:31:13,340 --> 01:31:15,842
And your dog is going,
"Wow, you too"?!
1373
01:31:15,942 --> 01:31:16,944
Can't go to work like
1374
01:31:16,978 --> 01:31:19,547
- Hey, Bob!
- How're you, Pete?
1375
01:31:19,580 --> 01:31:21,715
"I'm happy to be here today"!
1376
01:31:22,150 --> 01:31:24,385
Direct traffic,
no, you can't do shit!
1377
01:31:24,819 --> 01:31:26,353
You have to make it
go away. You slap it.
1378
01:31:26,486 --> 01:31:29,190
It's like one of those
punch-me clowns.
1379
01:31:31,491 --> 01:31:35,095
"I'm not going anywhere"!
1380
01:31:35,263 --> 01:31:38,433
You have to finish it off.
1381
01:31:38,466 --> 01:31:40,300
In the old days was...
1382
01:31:41,469 --> 01:31:43,538
Now, after an hour and a half,
1383
01:31:43,671 --> 01:31:45,505
you've got more semen
than the Fifth Fleet.
1384
01:31:45,872 --> 01:31:49,076
So, when you go, it's like...
1385
01:31:49,843 --> 01:31:50,912
Oh, my eyes!
1386
01:31:51,044 --> 01:31:54,580
And your wife goes, "Now you
know how it feels, asshole"!
1387
01:31:57,818 --> 01:32:00,219
"Aim for the tits, Hawk Eye"!
1388
01:32:00,921 --> 01:32:03,691
"I'm like a Lawn Boy!
Get out"!
1389
01:32:03,855 --> 01:32:05,025
"Save yourselves"!
1390
01:32:05,358 --> 01:32:08,661
- Not the drapes!
- Too late... I own them now.
1391
01:32:13,466 --> 01:32:15,470
You run out of semen and
your testicles are going
1392
01:32:15,602 --> 01:32:17,704
"We still got an erection, chief"!
1393
01:32:18,306 --> 01:32:20,873
"Give me blood, give me urine,
any fluid"!
1394
01:32:25,078 --> 01:32:29,515
"Oh, God, please make
this fucking shit go away"!
1395
01:32:31,551 --> 01:32:34,620
You do every goofy,
fucking orgasmic thing...
1396
01:32:54,373 --> 01:32:56,042
"Don't touch it"!
1397
01:33:02,781 --> 01:33:05,852
"Don't look at it"!
1398
01:33:05,985 --> 01:33:07,920
"Don't even think about it"!
1399
01:33:09,288 --> 01:33:12,392
And then you realize that God,
1400
01:33:12,524 --> 01:33:14,959
gave you a penis and a brain.
1401
01:33:15,126 --> 01:33:19,464
And only enough blood
to run one at a time.
1402
01:33:24,501 --> 01:33:27,238
You have lost thoughts
from your childhood.
1403
01:33:30,910 --> 01:33:33,111
And then you hear these
words from your lady...
1404
01:33:33,243 --> 01:33:35,480
"My turn"!
1405
01:33:38,450 --> 01:33:41,052
"You can't fucking be serious"!
1406
01:33:43,087 --> 01:33:45,457
"Look at me, I'm Goo Boy!
What are you doing"?
1407
01:33:47,491 --> 01:33:49,759
"That's right, Corky!
It's time to saddle up".
1408
01:33:49,893 --> 01:33:51,729
"We're heading South of the border".
1409
01:33:52,596 --> 01:33:54,230
"You gotta please Missy".
1410
01:33:55,299 --> 01:33:56,867
I have one question for the ladies...
1411
01:33:57,668 --> 01:33:59,336
Do we look like this?
1412
01:34:53,656 --> 01:34:55,759
"Are you almost there"?
1413
01:34:56,493 --> 01:34:59,296
"No, no, no.
I will finish"!
1414
01:34:59,996 --> 01:35:02,299
"I love you"!
1415
01:35:03,301 --> 01:35:07,070
"I love you!
I will finish".
1416
01:35:08,238 --> 01:35:13,409
"I can take it.
I just can't feel my tongue".
1417
01:35:14,011 --> 01:35:15,612
"Who's your daddy"?
1418
01:35:16,578 --> 01:35:18,947
"I love you"!
1419
01:35:19,415 --> 01:35:21,516
"I will finish".
1420
01:35:34,529 --> 01:35:36,598
Good night!
1421
01:36:11,933 --> 01:36:14,035
Thank you!
1422
01:36:19,206 --> 01:36:20,409
Thank you!
1423
01:36:21,876 --> 01:36:22,811
This night for New York!
1424
01:36:25,480 --> 01:36:27,949
What are we gonna do tonight, Marty?
1425
01:36:28,916 --> 01:36:30,351
Good night!
1426
01:36:34,921 --> 01:36:36,656
You're the best!
1427
01:36:38,826 --> 01:36:40,028
We did it!
1428
01:36:46,700 --> 01:36:48,135
My pink lady...
1429
01:36:49,305 --> 01:37:49,652
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