All language subtitles for The Big C (2010) S03E04 Family Matters

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:07,507 --> 00:00:09,141 PREVIOUSLY ON THE BIG C... 2 00:00:09,142 --> 00:00:11,043 - WHO'S THIS? - JOY KLEINMAN. 3 00:00:11,044 --> 00:00:13,579 LIFE COACH, CANCER SURVIVOR, 4 00:00:13,580 --> 00:00:15,848 AND JOYOLOGIST. 5 00:00:15,849 --> 00:00:18,550 HELLO, VOYAGERS! 6 00:00:18,551 --> 00:00:20,252 all: HI, JOY. 7 00:00:20,253 --> 00:00:22,454 I AM A BLOGGER. I SAW THE LIGHT. 8 00:00:22,455 --> 00:00:23,622 YOU HAVE A KNACK FOR STORYTELLING. 9 00:00:23,623 --> 00:00:25,691 YOU GOTTA USE THAT. - THANK YOU. 10 00:00:25,692 --> 00:00:28,560 BABY CATHY IS GONNA LIVE FOREVER. 11 00:00:28,561 --> 00:00:30,963 OH, YOU LIKE IT IN HERE WITH WILLY, DON'T YOU? 12 00:00:30,964 --> 00:00:32,865 I'M RUNNING A GAY PHONE SEX BUSINESS. 13 00:00:32,866 --> 00:00:34,433 I'M THINKING ABOUT CHECKING OUT A BIBLE GROUP. 14 00:00:34,434 --> 00:00:36,935 RESPECT FOR GOD, THAT'S EVERLASTING. 15 00:00:36,936 --> 00:00:38,604 ARE WE GONNA SEE YOU TOMORROW, ALEXIS? 16 00:00:38,605 --> 00:00:39,905 MOST LIKELY. 17 00:00:39,906 --> 00:00:43,308 I WANT ALL OF YOU TO FIND YOUR JOYFUL PATH. 18 00:00:43,309 --> 00:00:47,346 YOU MIGHT BE SURPRISED AT WHAT IS YOUR MOST JOYFUL MOMENT. 19 00:00:48,348 --> 00:00:51,084 I WANT ANOTHER BABY. 20 00:01:05,465 --> 00:01:07,533 ♪ IT'S SO HARD ♪ 21 00:01:07,534 --> 00:01:10,403 ♪ TO TURN YOUR LIFE OVER ♪ 22 00:01:15,175 --> 00:01:16,275 ♪ STEP OUT ♪ 23 00:01:16,276 --> 00:01:19,411 ♪ OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE ♪ 24 00:01:23,516 --> 00:01:27,186 ♪ IS THIS SOME KIND OF A JOKE? ♪ 25 00:01:27,187 --> 00:01:31,023 ♪ WILL SOMEONE WAKE ME UP SOON? ♪ 26 00:01:31,024 --> 00:01:36,995 ♪ AND TELL ME THIS WAS JUST A GAME WE PLAY ♪ 27 00:01:36,996 --> 00:01:41,201 ♪ CALLED LIFE ♪ 28 00:01:43,736 --> 00:01:45,437 - OH! OH, GOD! - YES! 29 00:01:51,077 --> 00:01:52,111 PAUL? 30 00:01:52,112 --> 00:01:56,782 PAUL? 31 00:01:56,783 --> 00:01:58,016 PAUL! PAUL! - OH, GOD! 32 00:01:58,017 --> 00:01:59,318 NO, I'M-- I'M OKAY, HONEY. 33 00:01:59,319 --> 00:02:01,553 IT'S NOT MY FAULT. 34 00:02:01,554 --> 00:02:03,388 I CAN'T COME AND TALK AT THE SAME TIME--JESUS. 35 00:02:03,389 --> 00:02:06,058 - I THOUGHT YOU WERE DYING. - OHH. 36 00:02:06,059 --> 00:02:07,659 DO YOU THINK IT'S CRAZY 37 00:02:07,660 --> 00:02:09,361 THAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT ADOPTING A BABY? 38 00:02:09,362 --> 00:02:10,929 NO. 39 00:02:10,930 --> 00:02:13,198 WHAT I THINK IS CRAZY IS WHAT A TURNOFF IT IS 40 00:02:13,199 --> 00:02:14,566 TO TALK ABOUT BABIES AFTER SEX, 41 00:02:14,567 --> 00:02:16,869 EVEN THOUGH IRONICALLY THAT'S HOW YOU GET BABIES. 42 00:02:16,870 --> 00:02:18,137 HMM. 43 00:02:18,138 --> 00:02:19,972 I MUST ADMIT, 44 00:02:19,973 --> 00:02:23,075 AS ANNOYING AS THAT JOY KLEINMAN RETREAT WAS, 45 00:02:23,076 --> 00:02:25,310 IT REALLY DID LEAD US TO A GOOD PLACE. 46 00:02:25,311 --> 00:02:26,612 TELL ME ABOUT IT. 47 00:02:26,613 --> 00:02:28,380 EVER SINCE SHE THUMBS-UPPED MY SITE, 48 00:02:28,381 --> 00:02:31,150 MY GOD, I'VE HAD SO MANY READERS COME TO THE BLOG. 49 00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:32,551 I MEAN, PEOPLE FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD. 50 00:02:32,552 --> 00:02:35,587 THIS LADY FROM CHINA POSTED ON THE SITE TODAY. 51 00:02:35,588 --> 00:02:36,655 CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? 52 00:02:36,656 --> 00:02:38,457 - OH, THAT'S GREAT. - I KNOW. 53 00:02:38,458 --> 00:02:41,460 IT'S AS IF WHAT I'M SAYING, I MEAN, IT REALLY MATTERS. 54 00:02:41,461 --> 00:02:42,628 YOU KNOW, HONEY? 55 00:02:44,631 --> 00:02:47,266 YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, HONEY? 56 00:02:51,037 --> 00:02:55,174 YEAH, I'LL MAKE ALL YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE, BUDDY. 57 00:02:55,175 --> 00:02:57,809 YOU JUST GIVE ME YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER 58 00:02:57,810 --> 00:03:00,445 WHILE I PULL MY BIG OLE NINE-INCHER 59 00:03:00,446 --> 00:03:02,848 OUT OF MY TIGHT TRUE RELIGIONS. 60 00:03:02,849 --> 00:03:06,885 OKAY, 0-1-9-2-6-8... 61 00:03:06,886 --> 00:03:08,520 FUCK YOU! 62 00:03:08,521 --> 00:03:11,557 OH, IS THIS WILLY WANKER AGAIN? 63 00:03:11,558 --> 00:03:13,926 SERIOUSLY, DUDE, YOU NEED TO GET A LIFE. 64 00:03:13,927 --> 00:03:16,128 I HAD A LIFE, BUTT WHISTLE, AND YOU STOLE IT. 65 00:03:16,129 --> 00:03:17,829 AND IF YOU DON'T GIVE ME MY PHONE NUMBER BACK, 66 00:03:17,830 --> 00:03:22,501 I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL FOIST THOSE STUPID PINK LADY SLIPPERS 67 00:03:22,502 --> 00:03:24,169 UP YOUR DIRTY DERRIERE. 68 00:03:24,170 --> 00:03:26,004 OH, YEAH? I'D LOVE TO SEE-- 69 00:03:29,709 --> 00:03:32,611 IT'S CALLED REVERSE PHONE LOOKUP, JACKASS. 70 00:03:32,612 --> 00:03:33,645 BOOM! 71 00:03:33,646 --> 00:03:36,516 JESUS CHRIST. 72 00:03:38,818 --> 00:03:39,952 HUH. 73 00:03:39,953 --> 00:03:41,587 I PICTURED YOU LESS DAPPER. 74 00:03:41,588 --> 00:03:43,021 AND I PICTURED YOU BETTER LOOKING. 75 00:03:43,022 --> 00:03:45,224 GUESS WE WERE BOTH WRONG. 76 00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:48,460 WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, 77 00:03:48,461 --> 00:03:51,096 THIS IS A REAL SHIT-HOLE. 78 00:03:51,097 --> 00:03:52,764 LOOK, I'VE BEEN PATIENT, 79 00:03:52,765 --> 00:03:54,533 BUT THIS IS GETTING SILLY, WILLY. 80 00:03:54,534 --> 00:03:56,835 YOU GOTTA STOP HARASSING ME. 81 00:03:56,836 --> 00:03:59,371 YOU KNOW AS WELL AS I DO I CAME BY THIS BUSINESS 82 00:03:59,372 --> 00:04:01,273 FAIR AND SQUARE. 83 00:04:01,274 --> 00:04:02,908 FAIR? 84 00:04:02,909 --> 00:04:05,210 YOU CALL IT FAIR THAT JUST BECAUSE I WAS A MILLISECOND LATE 85 00:04:05,211 --> 00:04:06,511 PAYING MY PHONE BILL 86 00:04:06,512 --> 00:04:08,513 YOU WERE ABLE TO INHERIT MY HOTLINE 87 00:04:08,514 --> 00:04:09,982 AND STEAL MY IDENTITY? 88 00:04:09,983 --> 00:04:12,818 NO ONE CAN DO ME BUT ME. 89 00:04:12,819 --> 00:04:14,920 THEN HOW COME IN THE MONTH SINCE I'VE BEEN YOU, 90 00:04:14,921 --> 00:04:18,857 MY WEEKLY PHONE CALLS HAVE GONE UP FROM 15 TO 80? 91 00:04:18,858 --> 00:04:21,326 - THAT MANY? - YEAH. 92 00:04:21,327 --> 00:04:24,963 YOU ONLY RECEIVED THOSE CALLS BECAUSE OF ME. 93 00:04:24,964 --> 00:04:26,932 I INVENTED WILLY WANKER. YOU OWE ME. 94 00:04:26,933 --> 00:04:27,966 OH, DO I? 95 00:04:27,967 --> 00:04:30,569 DID STEVE JOBS INVENT THE iMAC? NO. 96 00:04:30,570 --> 00:04:32,237 DID MARK ZUCKERBERG COME UP WITH THE CONCEPT FOR FACEBOOK? 97 00:04:32,238 --> 00:04:33,338 NO. 98 00:04:33,339 --> 00:04:34,840 BUT DID THEY BOTH HAVE THE BUSINESS SAVVY 99 00:04:34,841 --> 00:04:36,908 TO MAKE THOSE IDEAS 1,000 TIMES BETTER, 100 00:04:36,909 --> 00:04:38,910 AND THEREFORE REAP THE REWARDS OF SAID CREATIONS? 101 00:04:38,911 --> 00:04:40,012 YES! 102 00:04:40,013 --> 00:04:41,046 FACE IT, BUDDY, 103 00:04:41,047 --> 00:04:42,881 I'M THE STEVE BLOW JOBS 104 00:04:42,882 --> 00:04:44,583 AND THE MARK FUCKERBERG 105 00:04:44,584 --> 00:04:46,251 OF THE GAY PHONE SEX INDUSTRY. 106 00:04:46,252 --> 00:04:47,552 YOU'RE JUST PISSED OFF 107 00:04:47,553 --> 00:04:48,920 'CAUSE I'M A BETTER WILLY WANKER 108 00:04:48,921 --> 00:04:50,055 THAN YOU WILL EVER BE. 109 00:04:50,056 --> 00:04:51,356 OH, PLEASE. 110 00:04:51,357 --> 00:04:53,191 NAME THE STEPS OF A LEMON BALLER. 111 00:04:53,192 --> 00:04:54,793 TWIST, LICK, FINGER, SUCK. 112 00:04:54,794 --> 00:04:56,328 ALSO KNOWN AS THE TEQUILA 113 00:04:56,329 --> 00:04:58,697 AND VERY NICE AFTER A ROUND OF ASS-CUBING. 114 00:04:58,698 --> 00:04:59,765 ASS-CUBING, WHAT'S THAT? 115 00:04:59,766 --> 00:05:00,866 TRADE SECRET. 116 00:05:00,867 --> 00:05:02,467 DAMN YOU! 117 00:05:02,468 --> 00:05:05,003 FINE, YOU WON'T GIVE ME BACK MY IDENTITY, 118 00:05:05,004 --> 00:05:06,538 I'LL STEAL YOURS. 119 00:05:06,539 --> 00:05:08,407 WHOA, WELL, SEEING AS HOW I DON'T HAVE 120 00:05:08,408 --> 00:05:09,741 A DRIVER'S LICENSE OR A CREDIT CARD 121 00:05:09,742 --> 00:05:12,044 AND MOST OF THAT MAIL BELONGS TO A DD WOMAN, 122 00:05:12,045 --> 00:05:13,712 I'D SAY YOUR SHIT OUT OF LUCK. 123 00:05:13,713 --> 00:05:15,213 HEY, BUT LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE. 124 00:05:15,214 --> 00:05:17,316 SUNSET CASUAL IS HAVING THEIR ANNUAL SALE. 125 00:05:17,317 --> 00:05:20,018 I REFUSE TO LEAVE THESE PREMISES 126 00:05:20,019 --> 00:05:22,321 UNLESS I GET MY PHONE LINE BACK. 127 00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:25,357 THEN HAVE FUN SLEEPING OUTSIDE. 128 00:05:25,358 --> 00:05:28,961 I WILL DESTROY YOU. 129 00:05:36,069 --> 00:05:38,003 MMM. 130 00:05:38,004 --> 00:05:39,171 CARBS. 131 00:05:39,172 --> 00:05:41,207 MMM. 132 00:05:43,209 --> 00:05:45,544 I MISSED THE STUPID BUS. CAN YOU DRIVE ME TO SCHOOL? 133 00:05:45,545 --> 00:05:47,379 NO, I'M GOING IN LATE. 134 00:05:47,380 --> 00:05:48,613 YOUR FATHER AND I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT. 135 00:05:48,614 --> 00:05:50,148 YOU CAN WALK WITH ME, 136 00:05:50,149 --> 00:05:51,450 BUT YOU HAVE TO HELP ME CARRY 137 00:05:51,451 --> 00:05:53,752 MY AFRICAN DRUM CIRCLE STUFF FOR AFRO CLUB. 138 00:05:53,753 --> 00:05:55,454 WHAT KIND OF AN APPOINTMENT? 139 00:05:55,455 --> 00:05:57,823 A DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT? 140 00:05:57,824 --> 00:06:00,625 WELL, NO. 141 00:06:00,626 --> 00:06:02,461 ACTUALLY, IT'S AN APPOINTMENT WITH A LAWYER. 142 00:06:02,462 --> 00:06:03,662 I KNEW IT. 143 00:06:03,663 --> 00:06:05,130 YOU GUYS ARE GETTING A DIVORCE. 144 00:06:05,131 --> 00:06:06,365 NO, IT'S NOTHING BAD. 145 00:06:06,366 --> 00:06:08,233 WE HAVE A MEETING WITH AN ADOPTION LAWYER. 146 00:06:08,234 --> 00:06:11,203 NO WAY. YOU'RE ADOPTING A BABY? 147 00:06:11,204 --> 00:06:12,537 WE'RE JUST FINDING OUT WHAT OUR OPTIONS ARE. 148 00:06:12,538 --> 00:06:13,705 WE WERE GONNA WAIT TO TELL EVERYONE 149 00:06:13,706 --> 00:06:14,906 ONCE WE HAVE MORE INFORMATION. 150 00:06:14,907 --> 00:06:15,907 SERIOUSLY? 151 00:06:15,908 --> 00:06:17,042 CAN'T WE GO A SINGLE MONTH 152 00:06:17,043 --> 00:06:18,477 WHERE SOMETHING CRAZY ISN'T HAPPENING? 153 00:06:18,478 --> 00:06:20,212 WE KNOW IT'S BEEN A BIT OF A ROLLER COASTER 154 00:06:20,213 --> 00:06:21,279 THE PAST FEW MONTHS. 155 00:06:21,280 --> 00:06:23,115 THAT'S KINDA THE IDEA THOUGH. 156 00:06:23,116 --> 00:06:24,516 YOUR MOM AND I, WE BOTH GOT SO CLOSE TO DEATH, 157 00:06:24,517 --> 00:06:26,852 IT MADE US WANT TO CELEBRATE LIFE. 158 00:06:26,853 --> 00:06:28,520 AND WOULDN'T IT BE COOL 159 00:06:28,521 --> 00:06:30,889 TO HAVE A LITTLE BROTHER OR A LITTLE SISTER? 160 00:06:30,890 --> 00:06:32,391 YOU SHOULD ADOPT FROM GHANA. 161 00:06:32,392 --> 00:06:35,460 I THINK WE'RE JUST LOOKING INTO DOMESTIC ADOPTIONS NOW. 162 00:06:35,461 --> 00:06:37,529 BECAUSE YOU PROBABLY WANT A PERFECT LITTLE WHITE BABY, 163 00:06:37,530 --> 00:06:39,131 JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE. 164 00:06:39,132 --> 00:06:40,665 YOU KNOW WHAT? COLOR-BLIND, MY ASS. 165 00:06:40,666 --> 00:06:41,666 ANDREA. 166 00:06:41,667 --> 00:06:43,402 MY NAME IS ABABUO. 167 00:06:43,403 --> 00:06:47,239 COME ON, WHITEY, LET'S GO. 168 00:06:51,310 --> 00:06:53,645 OH. 169 00:06:53,646 --> 00:06:54,813 OH. 170 00:06:54,814 --> 00:06:56,782 YOU WILL NEVER GUESS WHO JUST TEXTED ME BACK. 171 00:06:56,783 --> 00:06:57,816 JOY KLEINMAN. 172 00:06:57,817 --> 00:06:59,985 BACK? YOU WROTE HER? 173 00:06:59,986 --> 00:07:01,253 YEAH, TO THANK HER FOR BEING A FAN. 174 00:07:01,254 --> 00:07:02,387 LISTEN TO THIS. 175 00:07:02,388 --> 00:07:04,389 "WHY DON'T YOU THANK ME IN PERSON? 176 00:07:04,390 --> 00:07:05,891 "CLICK ON LINK FOR TWO FREE TICKETS 177 00:07:05,892 --> 00:07:08,827 TO MY TALK TOMORROW NIGHT IN MINNEAPOLIS." 178 00:07:08,828 --> 00:07:10,061 HOW COOL IS THAT? 179 00:07:10,062 --> 00:07:11,596 WE'RE FREE TOMORROW NIGHT, RIGHT? 180 00:07:11,597 --> 00:07:13,398 YEAH. OHH. 181 00:07:13,399 --> 00:07:15,734 LOOK HOW SWEET. 182 00:07:15,735 --> 00:07:17,502 CAN YOU IMAGINE US WITH ONE OF THESE? 183 00:07:17,503 --> 00:07:18,737 MR. AND MRS. JAMISON? 184 00:07:18,738 --> 00:07:20,705 HI, I'M SO SORRY TO KEEP YOU WAITING. 185 00:07:20,706 --> 00:07:21,873 FRED BOBICK. 186 00:07:21,874 --> 00:07:23,308 PLEASE, SIT DOWN, SIT DOWN. 187 00:07:23,309 --> 00:07:24,810 SO I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU FOLKS 188 00:07:24,811 --> 00:07:26,077 WANT TO LEARN MORE ABOUT ADOPTION? 189 00:07:26,078 --> 00:07:27,078 YES. 190 00:07:27,079 --> 00:07:28,346 WE JUST WANTED TO GET AN IDEA 191 00:07:28,347 --> 00:07:29,614 OF WHAT WAS INVOLVED. 192 00:07:29,615 --> 00:07:32,117 WELL, YOU HAVE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE. 193 00:07:32,118 --> 00:07:33,385 I'VE RECENTLY HAD SOME HEART ISSUES, 194 00:07:33,386 --> 00:07:34,786 WHICH HAVE BEEN DEALT WITH AND I'M FINE, 195 00:07:34,787 --> 00:07:36,955 BUT I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE THAT THAT WOULDN'T-- 196 00:07:36,956 --> 00:07:38,723 WE'D BE OKAY WITH THAT. 197 00:07:38,724 --> 00:07:40,492 YEAH, HE HAS AN I.C.D. DEVICE IN HIS CHEST. 198 00:07:40,493 --> 00:07:41,827 IT'S KIND OF A PACEMAKER. 199 00:07:41,828 --> 00:07:43,261 WELL, YOU KNOW, I REALLY DON'T SEE THAT 200 00:07:43,262 --> 00:07:44,696 AS BEING MUCH OF AN ISSUE AT ALL, 201 00:07:44,697 --> 00:07:46,198 AS LONG AS YOU'RE IN GOOD HEALTH. 202 00:07:46,199 --> 00:07:49,267 AND ACTUALLY, THAT'S SOMETHING WE WANTED 203 00:07:49,268 --> 00:07:50,735 TO GET YOUR INPUT ON. 204 00:07:50,736 --> 00:07:53,171 I DO TECHNICALLY HAVE MELANOMA, 205 00:07:53,172 --> 00:07:55,540 BUT MY DOCTOR SAYS I'M DOING GREAT. 206 00:07:55,541 --> 00:07:57,742 MY TUMORS ARE VIRTUALLY UNDETECTABLE. 207 00:07:57,743 --> 00:08:00,812 I'M GOA JUST STOP YOU RIGHT THERE. 208 00:08:00,813 --> 00:08:04,282 UM, YOU KNOW, IT'S DIFFICULT ENOUGH 209 00:08:04,283 --> 00:08:06,618 TO CONVINCE AND EXPECTANT MOTHER 210 00:08:06,619 --> 00:08:09,454 TO HAND OVER HER NEWBORN TO A COUPLE 211 00:08:09,455 --> 00:08:12,424 OF YOUR ADVANCED AGE, 212 00:08:12,425 --> 00:08:15,460 ESPECIALLY IF ONE OF YOU IS UNDERGOING CANCER TREATMENT. 213 00:08:15,461 --> 00:08:16,928 ADVANCED AGE? 214 00:08:16,929 --> 00:08:19,064 FRED, WITHIN THIS CHEST BEATS THE HEART 215 00:08:19,065 --> 00:08:20,232 OF A HORNY TEENAGER. 216 00:08:20,233 --> 00:08:21,500 LOOK, WELL, MAYBE WE COULD-- 217 00:08:21,501 --> 00:08:25,470 WE COULD HELP WITH SOME OF YOUR LESS DESIRABLE KIDS 218 00:08:25,471 --> 00:08:28,540 FROM YOUR ANGELS IN WAITING PROGRAM. 219 00:08:28,541 --> 00:08:30,308 ONE WITH SPECIAL NEEDS, OR... 220 00:08:30,309 --> 00:08:32,077 A MOUSTACHE? 221 00:08:32,078 --> 00:08:35,046 YOU KNOW, THE CHALLENGED KIDS NEED EVEN MORE HELP, SO... 222 00:08:35,047 --> 00:08:36,548 WHAT ABOUT ADOPTING ABROAD? 223 00:08:36,549 --> 00:08:38,383 YEAH, IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN. 224 00:08:38,384 --> 00:08:40,318 LOOK, WHY DON'T YOU JUST COME BACK AND SEE US 225 00:08:40,319 --> 00:08:43,723 WHEN YOU'RE CANCER-FREE? 226 00:08:47,827 --> 00:08:49,929 ONE MINUTE, EVERYONE. 227 00:08:53,266 --> 00:08:55,300 HEY THERE, SIS. 228 00:08:55,301 --> 00:08:57,035 IS THERE SOMETHING YOU WANNA TELL ME? 229 00:08:57,036 --> 00:08:58,236 SEAN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 230 00:08:58,237 --> 00:08:59,504 OR MAYBE YOU WERE JUST GONNA WAIT 231 00:08:59,505 --> 00:09:01,506 AND SPRING THIS WHOLE ADOPTION THING ON ME 232 00:09:01,507 --> 00:09:04,409 JUST LIKE YOU DID WITH YOUR FUCKING CANCER. 233 00:09:04,410 --> 00:09:06,378 OKAY, WHY DON'T WE TAKE THIS DISCUSSION 234 00:09:06,379 --> 00:09:07,746 OUT IN THE HALL? 235 00:09:07,747 --> 00:09:09,748 OH, WHAT, I'M SORRY, IS THIS PRIVATE INFORMATION? 236 00:09:09,749 --> 00:09:11,416 I JUST ASSUMED YOUR WHOLE CLASS KNEW 237 00:09:11,417 --> 00:09:13,552 SINCE EVERYONE SEEMS TO KNOW EVERYTHING BEFORE ME. 238 00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:17,022 JUST KEEP WORKING, EVERYONE. 239 00:09:17,023 --> 00:09:18,857 ARE YOU TRYING TO GET US BOTH FIRED? 240 00:09:18,858 --> 00:09:21,626 MY DEAD FETUS IS BARELY FUCKING COLD, CATH. 241 00:09:21,627 --> 00:09:23,228 I KNOW IT WAS HARD FOR YOU TO LOSE THE BABY, 242 00:09:23,229 --> 00:09:24,863 AND I AM SORRY THAT HAPPENED. 243 00:09:24,864 --> 00:09:26,398 I-I REALLY AM. 244 00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:27,999 BUT THIS, THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU. 245 00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:30,535 THIS IS ABOUT ME. I WANT A BABY, SEAN! 246 00:09:30,536 --> 00:09:31,903 OF COURSE YOU DO. 247 00:09:31,904 --> 00:09:34,005 YOU NEED SOMETHING TO FILL THE FUCKING CANCER HOLE, RIGHT? 248 00:09:34,006 --> 00:09:35,941 NO, I HAVE A RIGHT TO CHASE SOME HAPPINESS 249 00:09:35,942 --> 00:09:37,175 AFTER EVERYTHING I WENT THROUGH. 250 00:09:37,176 --> 00:09:38,977 I CAN'T BELIEVE I HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS SHIT 251 00:09:38,978 --> 00:09:41,780 ON TOP OF A FUCKING STALKER. 252 00:09:41,781 --> 00:09:43,181 WHAT? 253 00:09:43,182 --> 00:09:46,285 ARE YOU OFF YOUR MEDS? 254 00:09:57,363 --> 00:09:58,430 YOU WERE RIGHT, 255 00:09:58,431 --> 00:10:01,399 THERE REALLY ARE SOME NICE THINGS IN HERE. 256 00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:03,134 HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET IN MY HOUSE? 257 00:10:03,135 --> 00:10:04,869 WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO KNOW. 258 00:10:04,870 --> 00:10:07,005 YOU KNOW WHAT, NO! 259 00:10:07,006 --> 00:10:08,740 I DON'T REALLY CARE. 260 00:10:08,741 --> 00:10:10,408 I GOT NOTHING BETTER TO DO TODAY. 261 00:10:10,409 --> 00:10:13,979 YOU WANNA GO ALL "OCCUPY ANUS STREET" ON MY ASS, 262 00:10:13,980 --> 00:10:15,880 I'M UP FOR THE CHALLENGE. 263 00:10:15,881 --> 00:10:19,618 FINE BY ME. 264 00:10:22,254 --> 00:10:24,856 CALL FROM RICHARD HUGHES. 265 00:10:27,526 --> 00:10:29,361 RICHARD. 266 00:10:29,362 --> 00:10:30,929 I'VE MISSED YOUR SWEET TOUCH. 267 00:10:30,930 --> 00:10:33,331 SHALL WE COMMENCE WITH SOME PASSIONATE ASS PLAY? 268 00:10:33,332 --> 00:10:34,599 COMMENCE? 269 00:10:34,600 --> 00:10:36,201 NO WONDER YOU COULDN'T PAY YOUR PHONE BILL. 270 00:10:36,202 --> 00:10:38,103 ABOUT-FACE, SERGEANT DICK. 271 00:10:38,104 --> 00:10:41,272 YOU BETTER PULL THOSE CAMOUFLAGE BRIEFS DOWN, BOY. 272 00:10:41,273 --> 00:10:43,241 IT'S TIME FOR SOME CORPORAL PUNISHMENT 273 00:10:43,242 --> 00:10:44,809 OF THE DIGITAL KIND! 274 00:10:44,810 --> 00:10:46,478 OH, YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE. 275 00:10:46,479 --> 00:10:47,612 YEAH, I DO. 276 00:10:47,613 --> 00:10:49,547 NOW TICKLE MY BALLS 277 00:10:49,548 --> 00:10:51,316 AND LICK THEM EVER SO DELICATELY. 278 00:10:51,317 --> 00:10:52,751 UH, OH, OKAY. 279 00:10:52,752 --> 00:10:54,285 YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE GETTING HIM OFF. 280 00:10:54,286 --> 00:10:56,888 I BET YOU'D RATHER HAVE MY FINGER UP YOUR ASS. 281 00:10:56,889 --> 00:10:59,491 AND MY BUDDHA-SHAPED DILDO. 282 00:10:59,492 --> 00:11:01,593 - AND MY FIST! - AND MY RIDING CROP. 283 00:11:01,594 --> 00:11:02,694 ALL AT ONCE? 284 00:11:02,695 --> 00:11:03,962 THAT'S TOO MANY THINGS UP MY ASS. 285 00:11:03,963 --> 00:11:05,930 TOO MANY! TOO MANY THINGS UP MY ASS! 286 00:11:05,931 --> 00:11:07,098 UGH! 287 00:11:07,099 --> 00:11:10,102 YOU ANNOYING PRICK. 288 00:11:15,141 --> 00:11:17,510 HEY! 289 00:11:20,780 --> 00:11:21,913 MMM. 290 00:11:21,914 --> 00:11:24,916 IT IS--IT IS SO NICE TO BE BACK. 291 00:11:24,917 --> 00:11:28,353 JUST, I HATE WORKING THOSE INTERNATIONAL FLIGHTS. 292 00:11:28,354 --> 00:11:30,422 THE PASSENGERS, THEY GET BORED. 293 00:11:30,423 --> 00:11:31,890 THEY GET NEEDY. 294 00:11:31,891 --> 00:11:33,058 WELL, THAT'LL ALL CHANGE 295 00:11:33,059 --> 00:11:34,592 ONCE YOU GET YOUR PILOT'S LICENSE, RIGHT? 296 00:11:34,593 --> 00:11:36,895 THE EXPERIENCE IS SO DIFFERENT IN THE COCKPIT. 297 00:11:36,896 --> 00:11:39,097 IT'S NICE BEING THE ONE IN CONTROL. 298 00:11:39,098 --> 00:11:41,132 YOU HAVE KIDS, KIRBY? 299 00:11:41,133 --> 00:11:42,333 NOPE. 300 00:11:42,334 --> 00:11:45,437 BUT I DO HAVE EIGHT BROTHERS AND SISTERS. 301 00:11:45,438 --> 00:11:47,305 REALLY? 302 00:11:47,306 --> 00:11:49,908 I CAN'T IMAGINE GROWING UP WITH THAT MANY PEOPLE. 303 00:11:49,909 --> 00:11:51,242 YEAH, IT WAS FUCKING NUTS. 304 00:11:51,243 --> 00:11:52,911 SOMEONE WAS ALWAYS MAD AT SOMEBODY. 305 00:11:52,912 --> 00:11:55,714 YOU NEVER KNEW WHOSE UNDERWEAR YOU HAD ON. 306 00:11:55,715 --> 00:11:56,981 WHAT ABOUT YOU, KIDS? 307 00:11:56,982 --> 00:12:00,418 YEAH. 308 00:12:00,419 --> 00:12:02,987 I HAVE TWO. 309 00:12:02,988 --> 00:12:04,522 OUR OLDEST ADAM IS IN COLLEGE. 310 00:12:04,523 --> 00:12:06,424 HE'S A PRE-MED MAJOR. 311 00:12:06,425 --> 00:12:10,261 AND THEN OUR YOUNGER ONE, ELLA, 312 00:12:10,262 --> 00:12:13,131 WE HAD HER MUCH LATER. 313 00:12:13,132 --> 00:12:17,368 SHE'S KINDA LIKE THE DESSERT TO OUR MAIN COURSE. 314 00:12:17,369 --> 00:12:19,404 SHE REALLY LIKES BALLET. 315 00:12:19,405 --> 00:12:21,339 - YEAH? - YEAH. 316 00:12:21,340 --> 00:12:22,874 HEY, NEXT ROUND'S ON ME! 317 00:12:22,875 --> 00:12:26,479 ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT ALL RIGHT! 318 00:12:34,220 --> 00:12:35,453 YEAH? 319 00:12:35,454 --> 00:12:37,956 I'M SORRY, DR. SHERMAN JUST CALLED. 320 00:12:37,957 --> 00:12:39,190 HE'S STILL IN SURGERY 321 00:12:39,191 --> 00:12:40,658 AND WON'T BE ABLE TO MAKE IT AFTER ALL. 322 00:12:40,659 --> 00:12:43,294 OH, SHOOT, I REALLY WANT TO TALK TO HIM. 323 00:12:43,295 --> 00:12:44,896 THERE'S NO WAY FOR ME TO SEE HIM 324 00:12:44,897 --> 00:12:46,231 BEFORE HE GOES ON VACATION? 325 00:12:46,232 --> 00:12:47,632 I COULD TAKE A MESSAGE. 326 00:12:47,633 --> 00:12:48,933 MAYBE HE'LL GET BACK TO YOU BY THE END OF THE DAY? 327 00:12:48,934 --> 00:12:50,769 UH, OKAY. 328 00:12:50,770 --> 00:12:52,303 I JUST--TELL HIM I WANTED TO ASK HIM 329 00:12:52,304 --> 00:12:54,272 IF HE COULD POSSIBLY WRITE A NOTE FOR ME. 330 00:12:54,273 --> 00:12:55,640 MM-HMM. 331 00:12:55,641 --> 00:12:57,442 I JUST NEED SOMETHING THAT SAYS I'M IN GOOD HEALTH. 332 00:12:57,443 --> 00:13:00,078 AND IF HE COULD MAYBE LEAVE OUT THE PART 333 00:13:00,079 --> 00:13:03,815 ABOUT MY STILL HAVING CANCER, THAT WOULD BE GREAT. 334 00:13:03,816 --> 00:13:06,451 YOU KNOW, WHY DON'T YOU JUST HAVE HIM CALL ME. 335 00:13:06,452 --> 00:13:09,121 I'LL DO THAT. 336 00:13:31,744 --> 00:13:33,344 HONEY, IF WE WANNA BE ON TIME FOR JOY'S THING, 337 00:13:33,345 --> 00:13:34,679 WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO LEAVE IN ABOUT AN HOUR 338 00:13:34,680 --> 00:13:37,482 TO BEAT THE DOWNTOWN TRAFFIC. 339 00:13:37,483 --> 00:13:38,817 WHATCHA DOING? 340 00:13:38,818 --> 00:13:41,653 I'M COPYING DR. SHERMAN'S SIGNATURE. 341 00:13:41,654 --> 00:13:45,024 WHICH ONE'S BEST? 342 00:13:46,826 --> 00:13:47,992 WHERE DID YOU GET THESE? 343 00:13:47,993 --> 00:13:50,028 I STOLE THEM. 344 00:13:50,029 --> 00:13:52,197 I FOUND OUT THE ONLY WAY TO GET THE ADOPTION BALL ROLLING 345 00:13:52,198 --> 00:13:53,865 IS TO HAVE A DOCTOR'S NOTE THAT SAYS I'M HEALTHY, 346 00:13:53,866 --> 00:13:54,899 SO I'M WRITING ONE. 347 00:13:54,900 --> 00:13:56,734 - ARE YOU INSANE? - NO. 348 00:13:56,735 --> 00:13:59,370 HONEY, IT'S ILLEGAL. 349 00:13:59,371 --> 00:14:01,739 YOU CAN'T FORGE A DOCTOR'S NOTE. 350 00:14:01,740 --> 00:14:03,508 I THOUGHT WE AGREED WE WERE GONNA TAKE A LITTLE TIME 351 00:14:03,509 --> 00:14:04,742 AND DO SOME MORE RESEARCH. 352 00:14:04,743 --> 00:14:06,110 I DID. 353 00:14:06,111 --> 00:14:08,046 WITHOUT THAT NOTE, IT WILL TAKE YEARS 354 00:14:08,047 --> 00:14:10,849 TO PROVE THAT I'M HEALTHY ENOUGH TO CARE FOR A BABY. 355 00:14:10,850 --> 00:14:13,918 WELL, THEN... 356 00:14:13,919 --> 00:14:15,286 WE'RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO WAIT. 357 00:14:15,287 --> 00:14:18,023 AREN'T WE? 358 00:14:21,260 --> 00:14:24,128 SO LET'S SEE, MY PARENTS JUST TOLD ME 359 00:14:24,129 --> 00:14:25,463 THEY WANNA ADOPT A BABY, 360 00:14:25,464 --> 00:14:28,099 WHICH IS, LIKE, TOTALLY INSANE. 361 00:14:28,100 --> 00:14:30,802 WELL, CLEARLY YOU'VE NEVER SEEN A JACKASS MOVIE THEN, 362 00:14:30,803 --> 00:14:34,305 'CAUSE I'D SAY STAPLING YOUR NUTSACK IS INSANE. 363 00:14:34,306 --> 00:14:37,575 WANTING TO GIVE A KID A BETTER LIFE, NOT SO BAD. 364 00:14:37,576 --> 00:14:39,577 YEAH, I KNOW, IT'S JUST, LIKE, 365 00:14:39,578 --> 00:14:43,047 THINGS WERE FINALLY GOING OKAY FOR HALF A SECOND. 366 00:14:43,048 --> 00:14:44,616 AND WHO NEEDS MORE THINGS TO CHANGE, RIGHT? 367 00:14:44,617 --> 00:14:47,252 LOOK, I KNOW. IT SUCKS. 368 00:14:47,253 --> 00:14:49,053 BUT WE'RE NOT STEERING THE SHIP. 369 00:14:49,054 --> 00:14:51,556 SO BASICALLY YOU'RE SAYING WE HAVE NO CONTROL. 370 00:14:51,557 --> 00:14:52,891 NO, WHAT I'M SAYING IS HAVING FAITH 371 00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:54,325 MEANS YOU DON'T NEED CONTROL. 372 00:14:54,326 --> 00:14:56,462 GOD'S WATCHING OUT FOR YOU. 373 00:15:00,599 --> 00:15:01,599 HOW 'BOUT WE-- 374 00:15:01,600 --> 00:15:05,070 WE CLOSE THINGS UP WITH PRAYER? 375 00:15:09,308 --> 00:15:11,342 LORD, WATCH OVER US 376 00:15:11,343 --> 00:15:15,813 AND KEEP US AND THOSE DOUCHEBAGS ON JACKASS... 377 00:15:17,416 --> 00:15:18,983 SAFE FROM HARM. 378 00:15:18,984 --> 00:15:19,984 AMEN. 379 00:15:19,985 --> 00:15:21,252 all: AMEN. 380 00:15:21,253 --> 00:15:22,521 HAVE A GREAT WEEK, EVERYBODY. 381 00:15:24,556 --> 00:15:27,326 COME WITH ME. 382 00:15:33,399 --> 00:15:35,633 WHAT-- WHAT THE FUCK? 383 00:15:35,634 --> 00:15:38,136 I MIGHT AS WELL NOT EVEN HAVE A LOCK ON THE DOOR. 384 00:15:38,137 --> 00:15:39,570 I KNOW YOU'RE PROBLY NOT SPEAKING TO ME, 385 00:15:39,571 --> 00:15:41,572 BUT I JUST WANTED TO SAY 386 00:15:41,573 --> 00:15:43,675 I'M GLAD I HAVE A BROTHER. 387 00:15:43,676 --> 00:15:45,810 AND I'M GLAD IT IS YOU. 388 00:15:45,811 --> 00:15:48,646 AND YOU GOT YOUR WISH. 389 00:15:48,647 --> 00:15:51,282 LOOKS LIKE THE BABY THING ISN'T HAPPENING, SO... 390 00:15:51,283 --> 00:15:54,619 I JUST DID A NUMERO UNO ALL OVER THE BATHROOM FLOOR, 391 00:15:54,620 --> 00:15:56,955 AND A DEUCE IS ON THE WAY. 392 00:15:56,956 --> 00:15:59,023 WHO THE HELL IS THAT? 393 00:15:59,024 --> 00:16:00,625 MY STUPID STALKER. 394 00:16:00,626 --> 00:16:02,327 WAIT, YOU MEAN THAT WAS FOR REAL? 395 00:16:02,328 --> 00:16:03,861 WHAT, YOU THOUGHT I MADE HIM UP? 396 00:16:03,862 --> 00:16:06,064 LIKE I HAVE AN IMAGINARY STALKER? 397 00:16:06,065 --> 00:16:08,833 JESUS, EVEN I'M NOT THAT CRAZY. 398 00:16:08,834 --> 00:16:10,068 HMM. 399 00:16:11,337 --> 00:16:13,271 SHOOT, IT'S PAUL TEXTING. 400 00:16:13,272 --> 00:16:14,605 I HAVE TO GO. 401 00:16:14,606 --> 00:16:17,508 WE'RE GONNA GO HEAR JOY KLEINMAN SPEAK TONIGHT. 402 00:16:17,509 --> 00:16:20,378 OOPS, JUST DROPPED YOUR TOOTHBRUSH IN THE TOILET. 403 00:16:21,947 --> 00:16:24,849 HEY, WHERE IS THIS SPEAKING THING? 404 00:16:24,850 --> 00:16:26,050 DOWNTOWN. WHY? 405 00:16:26,051 --> 00:16:29,120 THAT'S FAR ENOUGH. 406 00:16:29,121 --> 00:16:31,422 I'M COMING WITH YOU. 407 00:16:31,423 --> 00:16:33,558 WAIT, YOU'RE JUST GONNA LEAVE HIM HERE 408 00:16:33,559 --> 00:16:34,859 ALONE IN YOUR HOME? 409 00:16:34,860 --> 00:16:36,127 IF I LOCK HIM OUT, 410 00:16:36,128 --> 00:16:38,196 HE WILL JUST FIND A WAY TO GET IN. 411 00:16:38,197 --> 00:16:40,698 AND P.S., I'M STILL NOT TALKING TO YOU. 412 00:16:40,699 --> 00:16:41,733 CORN? 413 00:16:41,734 --> 00:16:44,470 WHEN THE HELL DID I EAT CORN? 414 00:16:51,143 --> 00:16:52,944 I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING, 415 00:16:52,945 --> 00:16:55,279 BUT IT'S STARTING TO FREAK ME OUT. 416 00:16:55,280 --> 00:16:56,615 DON'T WORRY. 417 00:16:59,585 --> 00:17:03,187 GOD, HELP ME HELP ADAM. 418 00:17:03,188 --> 00:17:07,392 LET HIM KNOW YOUR LOVE AND PROTECTION THE WAY I DO. 419 00:17:07,393 --> 00:17:12,096 LET HIM GIVE OVER HIS LIFE TO YOUR LOVING HANDS. 420 00:17:12,097 --> 00:17:14,699 OKAY. 421 00:17:14,700 --> 00:17:16,968 RUN! - WHAT? 422 00:17:16,969 --> 00:17:18,302 HOLY SHIT! 423 00:17:18,303 --> 00:17:21,372 PRAISE JESUS! 424 00:17:23,575 --> 00:17:25,143 OH, SHIT. 425 00:17:25,144 --> 00:17:27,078 I CAN'T BELIEVE WE-- JESSE, WE COULD HAVE DIED! 426 00:17:27,079 --> 00:17:29,113 YEAH. BUT WE DIDN'T. 427 00:17:29,114 --> 00:17:31,049 BECAUSE GOD PROTECTED US. 428 00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:33,117 JUST LIKE HE PROTECTS ALL OF HIS CHILDREN. 429 00:17:35,387 --> 00:17:37,622 WHAT? WHAT'S SO FUNNY? 430 00:17:37,623 --> 00:17:40,759 IF WE'RE ALL GOD'S CHILDREN, THAT MAKES YOU MY SISTER. 431 00:17:46,999 --> 00:17:49,268 WELCOME TO THE FAMILY. 432 00:17:51,804 --> 00:17:55,006 AND WE ARE THE BIGGEST OBSTACLE TO OUR JOY. 433 00:17:55,007 --> 00:17:56,541 LADIES, I'M SPEAKING PRIMARILY TO YOU, 434 00:17:56,542 --> 00:17:59,677 BECAUSE WE ARE THE GREATEST CULPRITS. 435 00:17:59,678 --> 00:18:03,247 LET ME LET YOU IN ON A LITTLE SECRET. 436 00:18:03,248 --> 00:18:06,184 WE ARE WORTHY. 437 00:18:06,185 --> 00:18:08,119 OH, YOU DIDN'T HEAR ME WAY IN THE BACK? 438 00:18:08,120 --> 00:18:10,154 LET ME SAY IT A LITTLE BIT LOUDER. 439 00:18:10,155 --> 00:18:12,757 WE ARE WORTHY. 440 00:18:12,758 --> 00:18:14,025 WHAT DID I SAY? 441 00:18:14,026 --> 00:18:16,894 all: WE ARE WORTHY. 442 00:18:16,895 --> 00:18:18,863 THANK YOU. VERY GOOD. 443 00:18:18,864 --> 00:18:21,599 NOW, AS A LITTLE REWARD, YOU CAN GO INTO THOSE GOODY BAGS 444 00:18:21,600 --> 00:18:23,501 THAT YOU GOT WHEN YOU CAME IN. 445 00:18:23,502 --> 00:18:26,604 AND I WANT YOU TO TAKE OUT THE LIPSTICK. 446 00:18:26,605 --> 00:18:28,206 THAT'S RIGHT, NOW PUT IT ON. 447 00:18:28,207 --> 00:18:30,108 YEP. 448 00:18:30,109 --> 00:18:32,076 IT'S BRIGHT. 449 00:18:32,077 --> 00:18:35,847 BECAUSE YOU ARE GOING TO STAND OUT TO THE WORLD. 450 00:18:35,848 --> 00:18:37,882 BECAUSE FROM THIS MOMENT ON, 451 00:18:37,883 --> 00:18:43,621 YOU ARE GOING TO FUCKING KISS JOY ON THE MOUTH. 452 00:18:43,622 --> 00:18:46,491 THAT'S RIGHT. YOU DESERVE IT. 453 00:18:46,492 --> 00:18:48,159 ALL OF YOU. YOU, YES, YOU DO. 454 00:18:48,160 --> 00:18:49,427 THAT'S RIGHT. 455 00:18:49,428 --> 00:18:53,131 OH, DEAR, NOW I FEEL REALLY A LITTLE BAD 456 00:18:53,132 --> 00:18:55,133 FOR THE GUYS OUT THERE WITH NO LIPSTICK, 457 00:18:55,134 --> 00:18:56,467 BUT I'M NOT GONNA LET YOU OFF THE HOOK 458 00:18:56,468 --> 00:18:58,536 BECAUSE YOU CAN'T JUST SIT IN YOUR CHAIR 459 00:18:58,537 --> 00:19:01,372 AND LET LIFE GRAB YOU BY THE BALLS, NO. 460 00:19:02,374 --> 00:19:05,209 WE ONLY GET ONE CHANCE TO LIVE. 461 00:19:05,210 --> 00:19:06,878 WELL, AT LEAST MOST OF US. 462 00:19:06,879 --> 00:19:11,816 ACTUALLY, I KNOW SOMEONE WHO GOT A SECOND CHANCE. 463 00:19:11,817 --> 00:19:15,786 PAUL? 464 00:19:15,787 --> 00:19:17,221 PAUL JAMISON. 465 00:19:17,222 --> 00:19:18,389 HOW 'BOUT COMING UP HERE 466 00:19:18,390 --> 00:19:19,690 AND SHARING YOUR STORY WITH US? 467 00:19:19,691 --> 00:19:20,691 PAUL GOT A SECOND CHANCE. 468 00:19:20,692 --> 00:19:22,326 WOULDN'T YOU ALL LIKE TO HEAR 469 00:19:22,327 --> 00:19:24,162 ABOUT PAUL'S STORY? 470 00:19:25,664 --> 00:19:26,998 COME ON UP, PAUL. 471 00:19:26,999 --> 00:19:29,534 THAT'S RIGHT. 472 00:19:29,535 --> 00:19:32,503 THAT'S RIGHT, BRING HIM UP. 473 00:19:32,504 --> 00:19:33,504 PAUL. 474 00:19:33,505 --> 00:19:35,173 HERE YOU GO. 475 00:19:35,174 --> 00:19:37,176 COME ON UP. 476 00:19:44,416 --> 00:19:46,418 UH... 477 00:19:54,660 --> 00:19:57,728 I, UM, CLEARLY WASN'T PREPARED FOR THIS 478 00:19:57,729 --> 00:20:01,165 BECAUSE I WOULD HAVE DRESSED BETTER. 479 00:20:05,437 --> 00:20:08,339 SO WHERE DO-- WHERE DO I BEGIN? 480 00:20:08,340 --> 00:20:12,677 UM, I GUESS WITH MY HEART ATTACK. 481 00:20:12,678 --> 00:20:15,780 I HAD ONE RECENTLY 482 00:20:15,781 --> 00:20:20,017 AND AM TOLD THAT I WAS DEAD FOR THREE MINUTES. 483 00:20:20,018 --> 00:20:22,053 WHICH IS WEIRD, BECAUSE IT FELT LONGER. 484 00:20:22,054 --> 00:20:24,121 BUT WHEN I WOKE UP, 485 00:20:24,122 --> 00:20:27,425 THERE WAS THIS LIGHT. 486 00:20:27,426 --> 00:20:29,026 AND I KNOW IT JUST SOUNDS LIKE 487 00:20:29,027 --> 00:20:33,197 THE MOST CLICHE BULLSHIT THING THAT YOU EVER HEARD OF, 488 00:20:33,198 --> 00:20:39,637 BUT IMAGINE EVERY WONDERFUL THING 489 00:20:39,638 --> 00:20:44,675 YOU CAN THINK OF ENVELOPING YOU. 490 00:20:44,676 --> 00:20:48,813 HAPPINESS, SEX, PASTRAMI. 491 00:20:50,549 --> 00:20:53,918 AND IT JUST-- I DIDN'T WANT TO COME BACK. 492 00:20:53,919 --> 00:20:57,722 IT JUST FELT SO RIGHT. 493 00:20:57,723 --> 00:20:59,290 BUT I DID COME BACK. 494 00:20:59,291 --> 00:21:02,893 I CAME BACK TO MY BILLS AND MY PROBLEMS. 495 00:21:02,894 --> 00:21:06,430 YOU KNOW, MY-- MY BULLSHIT. 496 00:21:06,431 --> 00:21:08,733 LIKE THE FAUCET ON MY BATHROOM SINK. 497 00:21:08,734 --> 00:21:11,502 THE HOT WATER FAUCET ON MY BATHROOM SINK, 498 00:21:11,503 --> 00:21:14,438 IT KEEPS BREAKING, AND IT'S REALLY ANNOYING. 499 00:21:14,439 --> 00:21:16,707 YOU KNOW, SO LAST WEEK I DECIDED 500 00:21:16,708 --> 00:21:18,175 I WAS GONNA SPEND THE AFTERNOON FIXING IT. 501 00:21:18,176 --> 00:21:20,011 AND I COULDN'T GET IT TO WORK. 502 00:21:20,012 --> 00:21:21,279 AND I GOT SO ANGRY. 503 00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:22,446 I STARTED YELLING AT IT, 504 00:21:22,447 --> 00:21:23,948 "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?" 505 00:21:23,949 --> 00:21:27,818 AND THAT'S WHEN I CAUGHT SIGHT OF MYSELF IN THE MIRROR, 506 00:21:27,819 --> 00:21:32,957 AND I SAID, "WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME? 507 00:21:32,958 --> 00:21:34,492 "WHY DO I HAVE ANY RIGHT 508 00:21:34,493 --> 00:21:37,261 "GETTING STRESSED OUT ABOUT ANYTHING 509 00:21:37,262 --> 00:21:39,163 WHEN I KNOW THAT THAT LIGHT IS WAITING FOR ME?" 510 00:21:39,164 --> 00:21:41,299 AND HERE'S THE THING, 511 00:21:41,300 --> 00:21:45,236 IT'S NOT JUST WHEN YOU DIE. 512 00:21:45,237 --> 00:21:47,138 IT'S HERE. 513 00:21:47,139 --> 00:21:49,940 I THINK IT'S HERE. I THINK IT'S ALL AROUND US. 514 00:21:49,941 --> 00:21:53,277 AND IT'S JUST WAITING FOR US TO TAP INTO IT. 515 00:21:53,278 --> 00:21:56,947 I MIGHT HAVE HAD TO DIE TO WAKE UP, 516 00:21:56,948 --> 00:21:58,149 BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO. 517 00:21:58,150 --> 00:22:01,519 YOU... 518 00:22:01,520 --> 00:22:04,822 YOU DON'T HAVE TO. 519 00:22:17,569 --> 00:22:20,706 YEAH, PAULIE! 520 00:22:31,817 --> 00:22:33,084 NO, NO, NO, NO. 521 00:22:33,085 --> 00:22:34,952 I'M SO GLAD I STALKED YOU HERE. 522 00:22:34,953 --> 00:22:36,887 SHE IS AMAZING. 523 00:22:36,888 --> 00:22:40,858 IT WAS LIKE JOY WAS SPEAKING RIGHT TO ME. 524 00:22:40,859 --> 00:22:42,393 I DO DESERVE MORE. 525 00:22:42,394 --> 00:22:44,762 I WANT TO FIND MY HAPPINESS. 526 00:22:44,763 --> 00:22:46,297 YOU CAN HAVE THE WANKER BUSINESS. 527 00:22:46,298 --> 00:22:48,632 I CAN? 528 00:22:48,633 --> 00:22:51,135 RUNNING A SEX LINE WAS NEVER A GOOD FIT FOR ME. 529 00:22:51,136 --> 00:22:53,337 I ALWAYS FELT SUCH SHAME. 530 00:22:53,338 --> 00:22:54,705 I COULD NEVER TELL MY MOTHER 531 00:22:54,706 --> 00:22:56,173 WHAT I REALLY DID FOR A LIVING. 532 00:22:56,174 --> 00:22:57,808 BUT YOU, 533 00:22:57,809 --> 00:23:00,378 YOU SEEM TO HAVE NO SHAME. 534 00:23:00,379 --> 00:23:02,179 WHY THANK YOU. 535 00:23:02,180 --> 00:23:04,281 I NEED TO PURSUE MY REAL DREAM, 536 00:23:04,282 --> 00:23:07,218 TO BE A SINGER-SONGWRITER ENTERTAINER. 537 00:23:07,219 --> 00:23:09,019 I NEVER THOUGHT I WAS WORTHY. 538 00:23:09,020 --> 00:23:12,990 BUT NOW I KNOW I AM. 539 00:23:12,991 --> 00:23:16,661 GOOD-BYE, WILLY. 540 00:23:26,004 --> 00:23:27,438 PAUL? 541 00:23:27,439 --> 00:23:31,108 WE JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU HOW MUCH WE LOVED YOUR STORY. 542 00:23:31,109 --> 00:23:32,109 SO INSPIRING. 543 00:23:32,110 --> 00:23:33,244 THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 544 00:23:33,245 --> 00:23:34,612 THAT SO NICE OF YOU TO SAY THAT. 545 00:23:34,613 --> 00:23:38,249 ONE OF MY GIRLFRIENDS WAS ASKING IF YOU WERE SINGLE, 546 00:23:38,250 --> 00:23:40,451 AND I SAID, "UM, A CATCH LIKE THAT, 547 00:23:40,452 --> 00:23:41,452 I DOUBT IT." 548 00:23:41,453 --> 00:23:42,853 YOU DIDN'T SAY THAT. 549 00:23:42,854 --> 00:23:44,789 - I DID. - HA HA! 550 00:23:44,790 --> 00:23:47,092 ARE YOU? 551 00:23:50,462 --> 00:23:52,430 BUT PLEASE TELL YOUR FRIEND 552 00:23:52,431 --> 00:23:53,798 THAT SHE MADE MY DAY. 553 00:23:55,200 --> 00:23:57,435 - BYE. - BYE. 554 00:23:57,436 --> 00:24:00,104 I HAD A HUNCH YOU'D BE A NATURAL. 555 00:24:00,105 --> 00:24:01,872 YOU HAD HUNCH ABOUT ME? 556 00:24:01,873 --> 00:24:03,140 YEAH, THAT'S WHY I INVITED YOU. 557 00:24:03,141 --> 00:24:05,042 IT WAS AN AUDITION. 558 00:24:05,043 --> 00:24:08,145 AND YOU PASSED WITH FLYING COLORS. 559 00:24:08,146 --> 00:24:12,049 YEAH, SO I WAS THINKING THAT MAYBE, 560 00:24:12,050 --> 00:24:13,617 IF YOU'RE INTERESTED, 561 00:24:13,618 --> 00:24:15,352 YOU'D WANNA COME BACK AND TRY IT AGAIN AND-- 562 00:24:15,353 --> 00:24:18,722 ONLY OF COURSE THE NEXT TIME YOU'D GET PAID FOR THAT GOLD. 563 00:24:18,723 --> 00:24:20,791 ARE YOU KIDDING ME? 564 00:24:20,792 --> 00:24:23,661 YES, THE ANSWER IS YES I WOULD LIKE TO DO IT AGAIN. 565 00:24:23,662 --> 00:24:25,196 GOOD. 566 00:24:25,197 --> 00:24:27,031 ALL RIGHT, WELL, THEN I'LL HAVE MY ASSISTANT 567 00:24:27,032 --> 00:24:28,666 CALL YOUR ASSISTANT. 568 00:24:28,667 --> 00:24:31,268 JOY, THERE'S SOME PEOPLE THAT WANT TO SAY HI TO YOU. 569 00:24:31,269 --> 00:24:33,504 I DON'T HAVE AN ASSISTANT. 570 00:24:41,613 --> 00:24:43,714 WAIT, I'M SAVING MYSELF. 571 00:24:43,715 --> 00:24:46,050 OH, IT'S ALL GOOD. YOU KNOW, WE CAN STOP. 572 00:24:46,051 --> 00:24:48,953 NO, NO, NO, I JUST MEAN WE CAN'T USE THE FRONT DOOR. 573 00:24:48,954 --> 00:24:51,021 BUT... 574 00:24:51,022 --> 00:24:53,424 YOU CAN GO IN THE OTHER WAY. 575 00:24:59,431 --> 00:25:02,099 OH, I WAS WONDERING WHERE YOU RAN OFF TO. 576 00:25:02,100 --> 00:25:03,367 JOY. 577 00:25:03,368 --> 00:25:04,935 NICE TO SEE YOU. 578 00:25:04,936 --> 00:25:06,337 THANK YOU FOR THE TICKETS. 579 00:25:06,338 --> 00:25:08,072 OH, SURE. 580 00:25:08,073 --> 00:25:11,175 YOU'RE NOT WEARING MY LIPSTICK. 581 00:25:11,176 --> 00:25:12,776 OH, YEAH. 582 00:25:12,777 --> 00:25:15,513 JUST, UM, FEELING KIND OF BLAH. 583 00:25:15,514 --> 00:25:16,814 NOT YOUR FAULT. 584 00:25:16,815 --> 00:25:18,749 MAYBE I CAN HELP. 585 00:25:18,750 --> 00:25:20,651 NOT UNLESS YOU RUN A SECRET BABY-SELLING RING 586 00:25:20,652 --> 00:25:21,652 I DON'T KNOW ABOUT. 587 00:25:21,653 --> 00:25:23,120 WHAT? 588 00:25:23,121 --> 00:25:25,456 OH, I-- 589 00:25:25,457 --> 00:25:26,891 I WANT TO ADOPT A BABY, 590 00:25:26,892 --> 00:25:28,792 BUT APPARENTLY NOBODY WANTS TO GIVE A KID 591 00:25:28,793 --> 00:25:29,994 TO THE CANCER LADY. 592 00:25:29,995 --> 00:25:31,829 NO, THEY HEAR THE WORD "CANCER" 593 00:25:31,830 --> 00:25:34,331 AND PEOPLE THINK YOU'RE THE BOOGEYMAN. 594 00:25:34,332 --> 00:25:35,399 HMM. 595 00:25:35,400 --> 00:25:39,570 CAN'T SAY I BLAME THEM. 596 00:25:39,571 --> 00:25:41,539 I KNOW THIS SOUNDS STUPID, 597 00:25:41,540 --> 00:25:43,407 BUT I JUST-- 598 00:25:43,408 --> 00:25:46,777 I JUST THOUGHT IF MAYBE I GOT A BABY 599 00:25:46,778 --> 00:25:48,546 IT WOULD SOMEHOW MAGICALLY GUARANTEE 600 00:25:48,547 --> 00:25:51,383 I'D BE AROUND TO TAKE CARE OF IT. 601 00:25:52,651 --> 00:25:54,518 OH, IT'S NOT STUPID. 602 00:25:54,519 --> 00:25:55,786 BUT IF YOU WANT SOMETHING, 603 00:25:55,787 --> 00:25:56,954 IF YOU REALLY WANT SOMETHING, 604 00:25:56,955 --> 00:25:58,289 YOU DON'T ASK FOR IT. 605 00:25:58,290 --> 00:25:59,323 YOU DEMAND IT. 606 00:25:59,324 --> 00:26:02,359 SHOUT IT OUT TO THE FUCKING UNIVERSE 607 00:26:02,360 --> 00:26:04,863 BECAUSE YOU DESERVE IT. 608 00:26:15,941 --> 00:26:18,610 THERE, NOW YOU'RE WEARING MY LIPSTICK. 609 00:26:24,783 --> 00:26:26,617 BATHROOM'S ALL YOURS. 610 00:26:26,618 --> 00:26:27,985 EXCELLENT. 611 00:26:27,986 --> 00:26:31,822 I'M GONNA TAKE THE LONGEST, HOTTEST SHOWER EVER. 612 00:26:31,823 --> 00:26:33,290 THE MINUTE I GOT OFF STAGE, 613 00:26:33,291 --> 00:26:35,593 MY SWEAT HAD A TOTAL PIT PARADE. 614 00:26:35,594 --> 00:26:37,429 YOU DID GOOD TONIGHT. 615 00:26:39,464 --> 00:26:41,131 I DID, DIDN'T I? 616 00:26:41,132 --> 00:26:42,733 YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE HOW MANY NEW READERS 617 00:26:42,734 --> 00:26:44,068 I HAVE ON THE BLOG. 618 00:26:44,069 --> 00:26:46,303 IT'S LIKE IT GOT INFECTED BY THE JOY VIRUS. 619 00:26:46,304 --> 00:26:48,840 YOU KNOW, I'M REALLY OUT THERE. 620 00:27:11,796 --> 00:27:14,164 CATHY, DID YOU GO ON MY BLOG LAST NIGHT 621 00:27:14,165 --> 00:27:15,766 AND POST ABOUT HOW WE WANTED A BABY? 622 00:27:15,767 --> 00:27:17,635 I DID. 623 00:27:17,636 --> 00:27:20,404 I THOUGHT IF WE PUT IT OUT TO THE UNIVERSE, WHO KNOWS? 624 00:27:20,405 --> 00:27:24,408 WELL, THIS GUY JUST WROTE ME. 625 00:27:24,409 --> 00:27:27,111 AND HIS WIFE'S PREGNANT. 626 00:27:27,112 --> 00:27:29,014 AND THEY'RE LOOKING FOR A GOOD FAMILY. 627 00:27:31,049 --> 00:27:32,616 DO THEY WANNA MEET US? 628 00:27:32,617 --> 00:27:35,986 DO THEY-- 629 00:27:35,987 --> 00:27:37,588 OH, THEY WANT-- THEY WANT TO MEET US! 630 00:27:37,589 --> 00:27:39,690 THEY--HA HA! 631 00:27:39,691 --> 00:27:41,525 OH, THEY WANT TO MEET US. 632 00:27:41,526 --> 00:27:43,895 AH. HA HA! 43662

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