All language subtitles for Shes.Funny.That.Way.2014.720p.BluRay.x264.YIFY

I believe in happy endings.

And it's the only thing
that's ever made sense to me.

You know, I used to
lock myself in my room

and watch all the oldies on PBS.

We couldn't afford cable,
which was fine.

You know, who needs to watch
shows on teenage pregnancy

and kids living in the same house
screaming at each other?

In my neighborhood, that
was called Wednesday.

Well, I used to escape with
Spencer Tracy and Kate Hepburn

and Fred Astaire spinning
Ginger Rogers on the dance floor

and Bogie finally plant
one on Lauren Bacall.

All in glorious black and white.

You like fairy tales?

I think we all need a little magic
from time to time, don't you think?

I mean, what would
Lana Turner have done

if Mervyn Leroy had
never gone into Schwab's

on Hollywood and Vine

and he saw her there,
drinking that coke.

She was discovered right there,
and that coke changed her life.

Well, so they tell the tourists,

because it wasn't Schwab's

It was actually a place called
top hat on Sunset and McCadden.

And it wasn't Mervyn Leroy,

it was actually a guy from
the Hollywood Reporter.

And her name wasn't
even Lana Turner then.

It was Judy... Actually
her real name was Julia.

But you knew all that, right?

You know, it doesn't really
have the same magic, though.

So you think you
got here by magic?

In its purest form.

I mean, there are
a thousand, no...

There are a million
lefts or rights.

Picking up instead
of dodging a call.

Deciding on Indian
instead of Italian.

You know, willing yourself to go
out, when all you want to do is sleep.

I can almost trace it back
to the very first step.

Blows my mind...

To think that just like Lana, a
chance encounter changed my life.

Of course, I always thought
the guy who would change my life

would be powerful
like Marlon Brando

or sparkle like Cary Grant

or smell like worn
leather like James Dean.

Mr. Albertson, do you
need me for anything else?

-I'm good. Fine. Thank you.
-Okay.

You never think it
will just be some guy

who looks like some guy

who's just as screwed
up as the rest of us.

Hello. I think I've a
reservation. Derek Thomas.

Yes, Mr. Thomas.
You're in suite 1369.

-Okay.
-Bellman.

-Thank you.
-Sure. Right this way.

-Where'd you fly in from?
-Los Angeles.

L.A. I've always
wanted to go there.

A lot of pretty girls.

Of course, there are a lot
of pretty girls everywhere.

That's one of the nice
things about the world.

So have you stayed
with us before, sir?

Yeah.

So, how's the
weather out there now?

You know, it's always
oppressively perfect.

Well, look who's here!

Seth, my darling. I thought
you were staying at the Pierre.

And I thought you
were at your in-laws.

No, not till tomorrow. That's
when Delta and the kids arrive.

I can't handle her
parents by myself.

-Man's best friend.
-This is Wilba.

So what are you doing
later? You want some dinner?

No, I'm so worn out.
Exhausted.

You know, jet lag
and everything.

It was a very tough
little picture.

No sleep. Hurt my back.

I better just take an Epsom
salt bath and go straight to bed.

Goodnight. I will
see you at Rehearsals.

And why are you getting off?

I'm on this floor. 1317.

That's convenient. Okay.

I'm going to turn in.

Well, it's comforting to
know my director's close by.

-Love to Delta.
-Okay.

Actors...

Yeah, I know what you
mean. I'm an actor!

There's something special
about them, isn't there?

That's just what I meant.

What? We don't want to
buy anything so forget it!

I was raised in Brooklyn
with my parents,

which was tough, you know.

They stopped believing in
happy endings a long time ago.

Shut up! I can handle this.

No! You shut up.

But I try not to blame them.

Things started
out great for them,

like ma was crowned
miss Coney Island, 1974,

All because of pops.

He was one of the judges?

No. He was selling the
hot-dogs on the boardwalk,

but he watched the entire
pageant, and he sees my ma,

And he falls for
her, like, hard.

So he starts putting all this
rotten mustard in all the hot-dogs

and my ma is the only one
who doesn't run off the stage

clutching her stomach, so...

That sealed it.

But he had a million ideas

and he used to promise my ma that
it was only gonna be a matter of time

before one of them hit.

So she got a job washing
hair in a beauty salon

and she was waiting
and waiting...

And you know, twenty years go
by and she's still washing hair.

What does he do, your father?

He invents things.

Like what?

Do you know the glue stick?

He invented that?

No. He invented
the butter stick,

so you smooth it on
your toast real good.

But... I mean, it
was huge in Japan.

Hello, Vickie's.

Hi, Vickie. I'm
over at the Barclay

and I was calling
about the availability

of one of your escorts
for this evening.

Which one is that, sir?

From the webpage here.
Glo.

Can you hold on just
one minute? I'm sorry.

Yeah, okay.

-Hello?
-Mr. Albertson.

Who's this? Who is it?

It's me, dad. It's David.

David. Where are you?

Home. Geez, dad, where
do you think I am?

We're getting ready to leave.

You're leaving? I thought you guys
weren't arriving until tomorrow.

Yeah, dad, we're
just going to dinner.

Okay. David, do me a
favor and put your mom on.

Mom? I thought mom was with you.

-What?
-I'm kidding, dad.

-Just a minute.
-Hold it, David.

I'm sorry, just one
more minute, Vickie.

You know, I really can't.

Why don't I see
if Glo can do it?

Great. Yeah! That,
that and, and see if she

can maybe come in
the next hour or so.

If I can reach her. I'll call you back.
What room are you in?

1369. The name's Derek Thomas.

Thank you.

-Hey, David.
-No, it's Josie.

And I'm kinda tired
of waiting, dad.

I'm sorry, Josie.

Hold on. Hold it.
I know. Hold it. Dad!

-Hello?
-Hi, Arnold.

I just wanted to confirm
the time for tomorrow...

No, no, Seth. It's not tomorrow.

It's the day after
tomorrow. At noon.

-At the belasco?
-That's right.

-Okay. Good night.
-Good night.

Sorry about that, Josie.

Hey, no, it's me.

Delta, how are you?

Delta, I'm sorry, it's
room service. Just a second.

-Hello?
-Hello, who's this?

-This is Arnold.
-Arnold?

I mean, this is Derek. Vickie?

Yes. Why did you say Arnold?

I didn't... You know,
just 'cause they...

Derek, Arnold,
they sound alike.

Or almost same
amount of letters.

What?

You know, like a joke.
Like it's my Indian name.

-Are you Indian?
-Honorary.

Can you hold for just a minute?

No, you know what,
I'm just keeping you posted.

Glo's phone is busy. I'll keep
trying. I'll call you back.

Good. Good.
Keep trying. Okay.

Delta, I'm sorry.
How are you?

Fine. Who were you talking to?

Just room service.
My back has been killing me.

But how are you?

I'm a little nervous.
I can't believe it's been seven years

since I've been on a stage.
I don't think I can sleep tonight.

Me too. Me too.

I'm just going to take a bath
and head straight to bed.

I'll get it.

It's always for you anyway.

Hello? Hi, Vickie.

Who is it?

It's my boss, mom.

Can't they never
leave you alone?

I'm trying to earn
a living, okay?

Hi, Vickie, what's up?

When can you get to Manhattan?

Maybe an hour.
Give me an hour.

Great. You got a pencil?

-Here's the name. Derek. D-E-R...
-I can spell it.

Okay. Thomas, room 1369.

Okay, got it.
Where'd you say?

-The Barclay.
-Done.

So the rumors are true?

-You really did work as a...
-A muse?

A what?

A muse.

That's a real job?

Yeah.
It was for me.

My clients were
mostly poor souls.

Completely empty of magic.

So it was my job to
breathe life back into them.

-Look!
-You make a person feel special.

You treat them like they're the
most important thing in the world.

And for an hour...

They are.

There was one particular
client which...

I'll tell you more
about him in a minute.

He hired a private eye, called
him a gumshoe, to follow me.

I didn't mind.

It was kind of flattering
that someone wanted to know

where I was all the time.

Okay.
Hold it.

Who is it?

It's me.
It's Glo.

-Hi. Hello.
-Hi, how are you?

Good.
Glo, right?

Yeah. That's right,
but don't wear it out.

Say, can I use your bathroom?

Yeah. It's right,
it's right over there.

-Hello?
-Derek? Is she there yet?

Yeah, she's in the bathroom.

But, hold on.

Glo, I'm sorry.
It's Vickie.

Yeah... Tell her
I'll be right there.

Vickie, she'll be
right there... Here.

Here she is. Okay.

-Hi.
-Why didn't you call?

I had to go. I'm fine.
I'll call you in an hour.

You know, it could
be more than an hour.

He says it could be
more than an hour.

Well, then have him pay you now
for two hours, and see how it goes.

Okay.

-Hi.
-Pay her now for two hours

and see how it goes.
And I'll call you back in two hours.

Okay. Sounds good.

Can I get you a glass of wine?

Sure. Yeah. You want
jasmine, citrus, or pear?

-What?
-Lotion? Foot rub?

No, no, no. I just
put my socks on.

Well, I can't rub your feet if you're
going to be wearing socks.

No, no. I thought
maybe we could go out.

-We're going out?
-Yeah, let's go to dinner.

-Wh... Are you serious?
-Yeah. Come on.

You mean, we're going to go
out and then we come back again?

Yeah, you know, it could be three
hours, it could be four hours.

Big spender.

Where do you want to
go? Are you hungry?

Yeah, I know a place.
Do you like Indian?

-Okay.
-You don't like Indian?

No, no, I love it. I
love it. Yeah, yeah.

-Not too spicy.
-No, mild.

That was not mild.

How about a carriage ride?

-I could use the air.
-Fun!

Derek...

How come you're such a nice guy?

-Me? I am?
-Yeah.

Yeah, you are. You're a
real nice guy, you know.

No other client ever
took me for a drink,

or for a meal or a
buggy ride, you know?

They just want to, you know,
"wham, bam", thank you, ma'am.

I guess, I'm the romantic type.

Yeah, you are.

You are.
You are a romantic guy.

What do you want to do?
I mean, besides this.

What do you want to do?

I want...

I want to act, you know.

Yeah, I want to be an actress.

But then, of course, my dad
thinks I'm on cloud nine

-with the whole acting thing.
-Why?

'Cause it's like I just do
this as a way to earn a living

while I wait until
my break, you know.

Also help my folks out a little.

Well, maybe there's a
better way to earn a living.

Well, you know, you date guys...

What do they want?

They want you in the sack.

So this way, guys I meet,
that's all they want, too,

but at least they're
gonna pay for it.

You know, you meet a guy and
they expect it for nothing.

So this way I figure
I'm ahead of the game.

But it doesn't really
make me feel good, really.

I think you're terrific.

You know, you are the most
detailed kind of lover!

-Detailed?
-Yeah.

Like... That was amazing.

I really like you.

Listen...

You wanna make a deal with me?

What kinda deal?

No, no, no. I'm,
I'm leaving tomorrow.

But if you... If you
promise me tonight, solemnly,

on your word of honor,

that you'll never do this again,

I'll give you $30,000.

What... To have sex?

No, no, you know, for money.

Promise me you'll only do it when you,
when you like someone, or for love.

What you're gonna give
me $30,000 for that?

Yeah.

I mean, it'll give you a
fresh start on your acting,

and whatever you want to do.

You are a romantic guy!

But you're not really serious?

No, I'm serious. It's,
it's in the suitcase.

No strings attached,
I promise. I just...

I think you're great.

I do.

You're kinda the
first one, you know?

Like, my, my dad always said that
I was just crazy for wanting to act

and he said it was never
going to be "my place in life",

He called it.

-And my mom, too.
-That's ridiculous.

Nobody can tell you
where your place is.

Where's my place?
Where's anybody's place.

You want to know where it is?
Wherever you're happy.

That's where your place is.
And you're the best judge of that.

In central park, for instance,

some people like to feed
nuts to the squirrels.

But if it makes someone happy
to feed squirrels to the nuts,

who am I to say nuts
to the squirrels?

-That is just terrific!
-It's good, right.

Say, could you,
could you kiss me again?

Before the 30 grand?

You know, this man,
this beautiful person,

all he wanted to do
was care for me.

For me...

And he did.

And he changed my life,
in a New York minute.

You know, I think I felt
something for him

that I never felt
for anybody before.

Love?

Gratitude.

He inspired me the way
that I inspired my clients.

Even a muse needs a muse.

I'll miss you, Glo...

I mean, Izzy.

No, I'll miss you...

You have a good trip.

Okay. Be safe.

You know, I'll never
forget you, Derek.

Me too.

Justin!

That client I told you
about earlier, was a judge.

And he couldn't write his
judgments or opinions or whatever.

So, I worked with him a little bit
and yeah, totally helped him out.

The problem is that when
you inspire people

they want to keep getting
inspired, over and over again.

Sometimes for hours.

It's like a drug.
Highly addictive.

If you don't get it,
you start to go batty.

Hello, this is Vickie's.
We're not here right now,

but leave a message and
we'll call you back soon.

Hello, Vickie?
This is Dr. Dolittle.

-You can't call me...
-Hello, hello, Doc.

Why are you whispering?
Where are you? Niagara falls?

No, no, no. But I just
had to call you because...

Glo... You know. I
need to see her again.

-She's quit.
-Quit?

-What do you mean, quit?
-Quit means quit.

Now, would you
like anybody else?

I have a very nice
blond I can send over.

Not now.
I'll call back.

This is Dr. Vivian Claremont.

I have gone on sabbatical and
will be in Tuscany for six months.

Any of you who need immediate
help may speak to my daughter,

who is very empathetic,
her name is Jane Claremont.

In an emergency,
call her cellphone.

Eight million people in New York

and it seems like
everyone knows everyone.

Will somebody answer
their God damn phone?

Didn't your mother leave
you an emergency line?

Shit! Shit!

I like to think that coincidence
is a way of reminding us

that there's somebody up
there with a master plan.

Yes? Hello?
Who is it?

Hello, is this the
Claremont daughter?

Yes. Who is it?

Well, I'm having a
bit of an emergency.

An emergency? All right, you
probably just think it's an emergency!

I have just dropped all of my stuff
on the street in New York City.

Now, that is an emergency!
What's yours?

Well, I'm, I'm having a problem.
It's kind of an obsession...

An obsession?

All right, can I just tell
you something from experience,

obsessions are not emergencies.

They stick with
you your entire life

so you better just face it, that
this thing is going to be with you

for a really long time.

Either you just
have to get over it,

or deal with it, all right?

So, if you would like to call me
during office hours, that's fine.

I work Monday, Tuesday,

not Wednesday morning,
which is right now.

Not Thursday mornings,
which is tomorrow.

So you can call
me this afternoon,

tomorrow afternoon or
Friday all day, all right?

I don't want to be
bothered with nonsense.

Please, you're a grown man.
Grow up!

Me, me, me...

Me, me, me, me, me.

Joshua! Please, please,
can you just hold the dog?

Please. I'm on the phone,
I'm dealing with emergencies.

People need me. I'm a
caregiver, it's what I do and...

Well, then, you know, you should
really try to be more polite to people.

What is it with you today?

Did someone take a
piss in your cornflakes?

Nothing. I'm just a little
nervous about tomorrow's casting.

What is the big
deal? It shouldn't...

-I told you to please not call...
-No, it's my phone.

It's not a good
time right now, dad.

I cannot believe you're
talking to your father.

-He just called.
-Your father!

-I'm calling him back.
-Please!

He calls you all the... It's like
its father's day with you every day!

I mean, the guy calls
you all the time!

-No, he doesn't.
-It's a little weird.

-Honestly, I'm getting fed up with it.
-He's called me once.

In fact, I am fed up with it.
I'm out of here.

Taxi!

Taxi!

Don't you want your
dog or your bags?

You are the rudest person
I have ever met.

Come on.
Come on, shep.

Taxi!

Maybe that judge or Dr. Jane
wasn't as nutty as I remember.

Good girl.

But memory isn't a video camera.

Is it?

Hello? Fleet detectives.
We're never too busy.

I can't give up. I've
thought about it all night.

I've got to see her,
is that too much to ask?

Just a minute, judge.
Her wiretap just came on.

-What's happening?
-Her agent is calling her.

Hello? I've got an
audition for you.

-When? What time?
-Tomorrow.

-Can you make it at 11:00?
-Yeah, sure. I can make that.

-What's the, what's the part?
-It's a leading role.

It's a lead?
No kidding.

Yeah, I'm thrilled.
What's the character?

She's a hooker?

-A hooker?
-Yeah.

No kidding.
That's kind of funny.

What... What's
like the director?

Arnold Albertson.

Arnold Albertson?

-Yeah. He's very good.
-Never heard of him.

-He's one of the best.
-Okay.

-Bye.
-All right, bye.

Okay, judge, don't worry.
I'll follow her.

I feel better now that you're
still on the case.

-Hi, Derek.
-Hi.

Remember me? Elizabeth!

Elizabeth, right.
We...

Squirrels To The Nuts?

My God, yes!

Yes, Chicago.

No, Dallas.

Dallas, that's right.
Yes. Yes.

How have you been?

How have I been?

-You absolutely changed my entire life!
-Have I?

I can't believe I'm running
into you right now.

I started a dress line with that money.
I just got back from Paris.

I'm going to Rio to start a deal!
How have I been?

Well, it's great to
see you, I'm just...

Derek, how do I find you?

I feel like I've been asking myself
the same question the last 40 years.

And I still don't
know, but listen,

I'm just rushing off,
but we'll always have Dallas

and I'm so happy
I was able to help.

Okay, well, thank you again.

-And I hope I see you again.
-I know.

Okay. Okay...

So there were others. He
helped me and he helped them.

And I'm not saying
what he did was right.

I'm not defending him.

But he did it for the high,

and after every high there
always comes the crash.

Arnold!

How was the flight?

One of my clients gave me a
lifetime of therapy as a gift.

And my therapist was a drunk.

So she left to dry out.
Her daughter took over, Dr. Jane.

And she wrote this book

finding your softer side.
Do you know it?

-No.
-Big best-seller.

She seemed like a sweet woman
and I was excited to talk to her.

Yes, yes. My mother has
been gone for three months.

If you would like
to talk to me, fine.

If you would not like to
talk to me, that's fine.

-Have you decided?
-No.

No. I mean,
I'd like to talk to you.

She'd been through a rough
break up the year before

with a hot yoga teacher.

Well, I mean, the yoga
was hot, not the teacher.

Well, actually, the teacher was,
too, but that's not the point.

They meet in class, and he starts
to give her these private lessons.

And then they move in together.
It turns out

he had been giving every other woman
in the class private lessons, too.

Can you imagine?

I mean, no wonder her latest book
is called Bitchy Is Beautiful.

That one I read.
Yeah.

-All right, have a seat.
-Yeah, thanks.

So, I've taken a look at your file.
What's your name again?

Izzy.

That's short for something.
What's your full name?

I beg your pardon?

What's your full name?
Pay attention!

My name is Isabella.

There.
Isabella.

And you've cut it down to Izzy.

That means you are cutting
off the sweet part of yourself

because Isabella is so
sweet and Izzy is so hard.

There's some insight into
your personality right there.

It seems that you're insecure
with your sweet self,

so you're emphasizing
your tough self.

Am I right or am I wrong?
Where's your file?

Okay...

A.K.A. Glo stick...
Why A.K.A. Anyway? Do...

Call girl?

Well, that's disgusting.

I mean, how do you feel when
you're even doing that?

Honestly.

Are there any up
sides to this job?

Well, there were a lot of ups...
That wasn't really the problem.

You don't joke in therapy.

I'm just... I'm feeling
kind of nervous.

You know, I've got this really
important audition tomorrow.

What? So you're auditioning
to be a call girl?

No, no, no.
I do that on the side,

like, just to kind of
support my acting.

So you have an audition.

-What's the role?
-A call girl.

Wait, I just asked you that.

I know, it's so ironic,

but life is like that sometimes.

All right, well that's great.
At least you have a lot of experience.

Shit!

-Hold on a second.
-Hello? Hi!

Can you hear me?

I guess you're
probably in a session.

Great, it's my mother.
She's drunk!

Does he bite?

I don't know. It depends.

Yeah, 'cause...

What are you doing?
Excuse me!

Please get off the chair.

-Are you insane?
-I don't really like dogs.

Don't like dogs.

Come on. Come on.

Go on, scram! Scram.

Come on.

God, you're neurotic,
that's for sure.

My mother's calling from a
Detox Center outside of Pisa.

Hello, I really need
to speak to somebody

about my obsessional problem.
Maybe I could make an appointment.

I'm on the Verge here...
The very Verge.

That voice sounds so familiar...

Yeah, well, it's starting to
sound way too familiar to me.

That guy is a total loon!

But I cannot talk
about my clients.

I cannot talk about
my clients...

Because that's private.

So I can't tell you who it is,
so don't ask me.

Now, where was I?

So if you would just embrace
the softer side of yourself,

and stop living
on that hard edge,

you would be in
such better shape.

Just start calling
yourself Isabella

and you may solve many,
if not all, of your problems.

Well, today I've stopped
being a call girl.

That's great!

That's great!
You see how therapy works!

It's like a... It's
like a Swiss clock.

That's fabulous. You don't need
therapy any more. We're finished.

Just get yourself a large dog...
They're great company.

Congratulations,
Izzy... Isabella.

You've graduated.

Well, your name is the first
thing people learn about you.

You know, it's how they think
of you. It's who you are.

Dr. Jane gave me that, but...

I wasn't going to be Izzy Finklestein
from Brooklyn any more.

I was going to be
Isabella Patterson.

From wherever I wanted to be.

What a thrill to
see you walk in!

-Delta, you know Josh?
-Of course.

Your play's only
gotten better, Joshua.

Thank you! I can't
wait to see you do it.

Hey, guys, sorry I'm late.

And you know Seth, of course.

Do we know each other?
How long's it been since London?

Too long, dear.

Come here.

Nice to meet you.

Let's get everybody going.
Sandy!

-You're looking gorgeous.
-Seth, you're such a charmer.

Well, I hope so.

Did you know Seth Gilbert was
going to be at the audition?

No. No idea.

I didn't even know he did theater
any more, since those movies.

What's the one where he had
like pink, fluffy sleeves

and the trained Bumble Bee
in his belt buckle?

-Red Bee man?
-Yeah...

Well, after all five of those
I sort of stopped following him.

What about Delta Simmons?

You want, you want to hear
something really funny?

Sure.

One time, she comes into the
salon and my ma washes her hair.

So we got this picture of ma and
Delta above the fake fireplace.

Talk about cosmic forces...

Now, I had the chance
to work with her.

It was fate, but I
never got to tell her.

"Let me just ask
you one question.

"Do you promise that
whenever I ask the...

"Whenever I tell you something

"that you'll always stand by
me and that you'll never be...

"That you'll always be my
friend, and that you'll always...

Do you promise that no
matter what I tell you..."

Producer's daughters...

"Do you promise that no matter
what, you'll always be my friend..."

Great, thank you.
That was excellent.

I think you're a little bit young,
but thanks so much for coming in.

-Thank you!
-Thank you!

Very good, darlings.

Okay, Sandy, next!

This is Isabella Patterson.

Goodness!

Hey, hey, hey!

There we are.

-Sorry. I'm so nervous.
-Don't be nervous. Just relax.

Jesus, no! God damn it!

She's not right.

-Why not?
-Because she's not the right type.

-Josh...
-I think she looks great for it.

Just relax.

Are you okay, Isabella?

If you're not feeling well...

Sandy, why don't we
get her information

and come back another time when
you're feeling more up for it.

She's sick, unfortunately.

No, no, I'd rather do it today

because I looked at
astrology zone today

and it said it was going
to be a special day for me.

Okay, well, we don't
want to argue with that.

Let's proceed.

Maybe we'll get surprised.

So, I've prepared three scenes.

We're only going to do one because
we're under a lot of pressure.

Okay...

So which one should I do?

Arnold, don't you think we should
do the intimate scene with me?

No, no. We're going to do
the scene with the two women.

You look familiar. Were
you at the Barclay recently?

No.

Seth, you're not in this scene.

So, why don't you take a breather
and we'll let the ladies begin.

I'm sorry.

Are you okay, dear?
Do you need a second?

-No.
-Sure?

Yeah, I'm fine.

"You sure you
don't want a drink?"

"No, no. I just don't
know where to start."

"Well, start anywhere you like."

"I just don't know how
it all happened, but...

"It was sort of a
very Grecian evening.

"You see,

"I got into this line of
work where you usually...

"You don't know who
you're going to end up with

"until you get to
your destination.

Sort of like a temp,
but more intimate."

"What are you talking about?"

"Well, this is really difficult.

"Because you are my very close
friend and I do tell you everything

"and that's why
I'm telling you this.

"Otherwise if I didn't care
for you, I wouldn't tell you.

"And I could go on forever
being your best friend

"and you really wouldn't have to
know, but I really need to tell you."

-"What are you talking about?"
-"Well...

"I was a call girl

"and I pretty much
am a call girl."

"A call girl!"

"Let me just ask
you one question.

"No matter what I say,

"Please don't judge me

"And whatever I tell you, promise
me you'll always be my friend

"and you'll always stand by me."

"Of course.
Anything.

"I care about you.

"But I'm also very,
very shocked.

"And I also feel so sad.
Those rotten bastards!"

"Put it this way.

"Do you want the bad news?

"Or the bad, bad news?

"Or do you want the bad,
bad, bad news?"

"My God, there's more?

"Okay, give me the bad news."

"The condom broke."

-"No..."
-"Yeah.

"And the bad, bad news
is that I'm pregnant."

-"God!"
-"Yeah..."

"Well, I guess I'll be an auntie...
That's not so bad."

"Well...

"The bad, bad, bad news?"

"Yes?"

"Gosh..."

"What?
Tell me."

"It was your Fred.

"Please don't hate me.
And don't hate him.

"It was just one of those crazy,
stupid, weird things

"that happen to you in life

"and you can't predict
it and you can't judge it!

"So please...
Please don't hate me."

That was brilliant, darling.
That was so good!

Darling.
Wasn't she so good, Arnold?

Very good.

Very good.

Thank you so much for coming,
we're running late, so...

I'll show her out, Sandy.
You bring in the next girl.

-Very good, Isabelle.
-Thanks a lot.

-Yeah. Bye.
-Goodbye!

Hey, I'll walk you out.

Well done.

Wasn't she good?

She was. Very.
She nailed it!

Wasn't she good, Arnold?

I did think she was good.

She really moved me.

Okay, so what's next?
Let's move on...

-So, you were a call girl?
-In the play.

No, that's not what
you've been implying.

Yeah, no.
Izzy was. Yeah.

But you're Izzy.

I am.

So, are you by any chance
free for dinner tonight?

I don't know. Yeah, I guess.

Good. Good.

I was so impressed
with that reading today.

But, to be honest, I was impressed
before the reading too, so...

Well, thanks a lot.

Yeah.

Do you know
Arnold Albertson that well?

Yeah, I know him.
But not very well.

He's helped me with the
play for a year. Why?

Nothing. He just seemed
like a really nice guy.

Yeah...
Do you like Italian?

Food.

Yeah, sure.

How about Nicks on Fifth?

Or should I pick you up at home?

No, no, no. I'll meet
you at the restaurant.

-What time?
-Eight o'clock?

Okay, sure. I'll see you then.

Okay. Don't tell anybody,
but I'm rooting for you.

Thanks a lot.

-I'll see you later.
-Okay.

Bye.

Do you know the movie
breakfast at Tiffany's?

-Yes.
-Well...

They were playing it somewhere
downtown and I see this poster

of Audrey looking so gorgeous.

So I bought a
ticket and I went in.

And, for weeks I couldn't get this
movie out of my head, you know?

She had everything
under control.

Everything figured out,
she didn't need anything...

She is a call girl.

Well, maybe she was just somebody
who liked to have a drink and a dance

and spread happiness,

and if a guy was going to give her
50 on the way to the powder room

then she deserved it because
she touched their lives.

I'm perfectly aware
that it's an obsession.

But maybe if I knew more
about the woman herself...

Yes, what is it about this woman

that makes her so
goddamn obsessionable?

She doesn't sound
like my grandmother.

Say, what?

Every woman I've ever known
sounds like my grandmother,

except for this one.

Glo...

Glo?

As in Glo stick?

Why, yes.
Why?

My God.

What do you mean, "My God?"

I mean... My God!
That's terrific!

What a terrific...
Terrific name.

Yeah, you don't come
across that name too often.

No, but in therapy you do.
It's kinda common in therapy.

You know a Glo stick?

Yes, I do. Okay?
In fact, I am her therapist.

But professional reasons make
it impossible for me to discuss

anything whatsoever
to do with her.

She's a very nice
woman, however.

She's a little neurotic and
she has got quite a few problems

and she needs to get in
touch with her softer side.

But that's... That's private!
That is private! I am a doctor.

Doctors do not discuss their
patients' private lives.

How would you like it if I
my next client walked in here

and I said that the guy
that just walked out of here

Is a lunatic weirdo obsessed
with a woman named Glo stick?

How would you like that?

Well...

And by the way, I don't think
that this girl, however attractive,

is worth being obsessed about.

Especially for a married
judge of other humans.

Now, I'm not judgmental,
but that's just stupid!

It's me, Josh.
Can you pick up?

See what a good therapist I am?

That's my boyfriend
and I'm not picking up.

This is your private time.

So, I'm kind of stuck with the play
tonight and I can't make it for dinner.

What do you mean? What do you
mean you can't make it to dinner?

Fine! You know what?
I'll starve.

I've starved before,
I'll starve again.

You know, I've been
starving a lot myself lately.

Perhaps we should
starve together.

Would you care to have
dinner with me tonight?

What kind of food do you eat?

Do you like Italian?

It's all right.

-So?
-All right.

I'm going to change my tampon.

I'm sorry, I just...
I don't agree with you.

I just think that Patterson
girl "nailed it," as Seth put it.

I just think that there was something
about her that nobody else had.

Kind of an experienced quality.
Almost like she'd lived it.

Yeah, I have to say,
I agree with Delta and Seth.

I mean, she had something really,
really special.

She reminds me of the girl that
I fell in love with in kindergarten.

Was she a hooker?

Yeah, she was a
kindergarten hooker.

That sounds like a
progressive school.

Okay, Sandy, who have
we not discussed?

You've covered it.

Okay, well, why don't we call
it a night and sleep on it.

That Izzy, though,

I feel like I know
her from somewhere.

Well, she did have one of
those sort of ordinary faces

that are a dime a dozen, so...

I don't think so.

Well, what do I know? I'm so hungry
I can't even think straight right now.

Okay, looks like that's a wrap.

Okay.

You're looking more
beautiful than ever.

I can't wait to do this...
Especially the love scenes.

Get out of here.

Well, thank you, Mr. Director,

that was a very surprising
first day, wasn't it?

It sure was, yeah. That's why we go
to the theater... To be surprised.

Incidentally, you might
find a few more colors

in your performance
tomorrow in rehearsals.

But good job today.
We're just beginning.

Hey, sorry if I was a
little snappy, darling.

But, why don't I make it up
with a little romantic dinner?

Can I help you, sir?

Table for one, over there.

This way, please.

Hi!

Hi.

I'm so sorry I'm late.

My God, are you all right?

It's all right, it's all right.

No, no... Let me get you up.

May I offer you some water?

-No.
-Scotch and soda?

-Maybe.
-I'll look into it.

-Thank you.
-My pleasure.

Such a beautiful restaurant.

Ahem!

-What's your problem?
-Nothing, nothing...

I'm just... I was thirsty.

Thank you.

What is it with you?

I don't know what's the matter
with me. I'm just very thirsty.

Well, then pick up the glass!
Stop pushing it off the table.

You must have been
such a demanding child.

God, I'm just starving.

Anyway, as I was saying,
I'm just so sick of artists.

They just always let you down.

Just give me a
great businessman.

Dating this playwright...
They write plays,

they don't think
about life, they...

Are you listening to
anything that I'm saying?

And why are you hiding
behind that menu?

I'm not!

Lawyers, good people. Yes. Yes.

I just have to change my life,
that's all I can say. I have to.

What are you looking at?

Is that who I think it is?

That son of a bitch!

My gosh!
Are you all right?

-Yeah, yeah.
-Everybody keeps falling down!

Wow, how great!
Here's my therapist...

Jane, look, you have to...

You're fired!

Josh!

Are you okay?

-Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.
-You sure?

-Yeah.
-Do you know her?

Yeah, I guess I do.

Don't just leave!

You're fired, too!

Watch where you're going!

You...

I have got to go
to the ladies room.

-Are you all right, son?
-Dad!

-What are you doing here?
-I work here.

-From when?
-It's a long story,

and neither of us
has time for it.

I'll see you in a minute.

I'm going to use the rest room.

Jane! Wait!

Well, hello, wonderful reading!

I was just getting some air.

Of course.

Josh, what are you doing here?

Arnold.
Hi.

Delta always said
this was a great place

-so I thought I'd try it.
-Yeah, yeah.

I'm here with that girl, Izzy.
I was so impressed with her.

-She's here?
-Yeah. In the ladies room.

Dear God in heaven.

What?

Why would you...

-Judge, let's take a little walk.
-I don't want a little walk.

I'm going back in there
and see what's going on!

Not right now, judge.

Well, I can't follow
anything you say.

Let's not blow it now.

Look who I found
in the ladies room.

-Josh...
-Yeah.

Josh told me.

-How are you?
-I'm fine, thanks.

-Fast moves, Josh.
-No, I just...

Have you had a chance to
look at the menu yet, Arnold?

Luckily, our kids love
their grandparents,

but we really should try to tuck
them in tonight, right, darling?

You know, I don't feel too good.
I think I'm gonna go.

-No.
-I'm sorry.

-Feel better.
-Yeah.

Feel better.

Well, look whose here.
One minute, Dmitri.

Hey, Glo! What do ya know?

You talking to me?
No, I'm Isabella.

You two know each other?

No. Not really.

Yeah, my mistake.

The gang's all here.
Of all the gin joints...

Delta, you look even younger now
than you did that time in Piccadilly

when you played with
those children. Remember?

That was fun, wasn't it?

It was really nice to see
you all, but I gotta go.

-Feel better.
-Yes.

-See you tomorrow.
-Let's sit down, Frankie.

Arnold,

Frankie is friends with Vickie.

I don't know any Vickies.

My mistake.

-Must be some other guy.
-Yeah.

Everybody seems to be confused
tonight! Must be the weather.

Yeah.

Confusion reigns.

See you in the morning.

Good night, sweet princess.

Adieu.

Good night.

Adieu.

Why don't you like that girl?

-Which girl?
-Isabella Patterson.

Who said I don't like her?

Well, you certainly
act weird around her.

Act weird? I barely
even looked at her.

Exactly.

It's better, it's better than
swooning over Mr. Seth Seduction.

I mean, everything he says you act like
it's the funniest thing you ever heard.

Pish-Tosh... You're
always jealous.

Why is everything always
back to London and Piccadilly?

And this glorious
time you guys had.

We had a good time on
that play, you know that.

No, I know. I'm sorry.

There they are!

-Judge...
-What?

I'm sorry to tell you,
but a problem has come up...

That's my son.

That's your son?

There's something not kosher here.
How long has this been going on?

What are you talking about? I didn't
know anything until half an hour ago,

if that's what you're implying.

I smell a rat.

Ha, you do? So do I!

-Wait, wait, wait!
-I'm tired of being abused.

I hope you're
feeling better now.

Yeah, I'm okay.

But you, you didn't
get anything to eat.

You want to come in
and have a sandwich?

-Sure.
-Okay.

God damn wrestling match!

Would you stop complaining?

Shut up!
I can't hear the TV.

You shut up!
Go play on the highway!

What's normal?

He was the first playwright
that I ever met.

And he was a true gentleman,
you know?

He didn't even try to kiss me,
even when I knew he wanted to.

And, he asked to meet my father.

And no one had ever
done that before.

I never even had a boy
in the house before.

But... Yeah, he was exactly what
I imagined a playwright to be.

Very sensitive and, he was like
the Arthur Miller to my Marilyn.

That was a great sandwich.
Thanks.

Are you okay?
You seem a little sad.

Yeah, it's just...

I don't think I'm
gonna get the part.

I feel very optimistic about it.

You're very sweet.

May I call you?

Yeah.

Sure. Why not?

Well, thanks for making
my play better.

So long, Josh.

That Loretta girl
gave a fair reading...

Isabella gave a brilliant one.

You have to make
a decision today.

Yeah.

I don't understand
what the problem is.

It's not a problem. No one
said anything about a problem.

-It's just that I have a process, okay?
-A process?

And the process
begins with a bagel.

-Pull the rigger, darling.
-I'm eating in silence, honey.

-Come on.
-Arnold!

We're going to go to
61st and Madison.

Lovely day, isn't it?

Well, he's a talker, isn't he?

They gave me the wrong bagels...

I asked for poppy seed.
They gave me four...

Boy, are you in a mood today!

Which nobody eats.

Tell me why you don't like her?

Who said that I don't like her? I just
don't want to make a snap decision.

-A snap decision.
-It's too important. It's my process.

Who is the one who always says
you have to go with your gut

and not think about
things too much?

-All right, not me.
-That was a direct quote...

I don't talk like that.

-I never... Talk about my gut.
-What is wrong with you?

There's nothing wrong with me.
I am under a great deal of pressure

and I don't need my wife
adding more pressure.

You have to admit,
there is something about this girl.

Maybe she was a
escort in a past life.

-Now we're talking about past lives?
-I don't know.

What's going on?
Where's the driver?

Is that him?

Yeah, that's him.
But where's he going?

He seems to be
getting into a cab.

This is the craziest thing
I've ever seen. What...

Was it something we said?

Apparently...

Either that or it's a mob hit
and we're about to blow up.

Yeah, well, get out. Get out.

What is this, like a
existential cab driver.

I think he couldn't take
the tension between us.

I know, maybe that
was his process.

Okay, I'll give her
the goddamn part!

That's all it took?

-Yeah.
-She owes that cabbie ten percent.

Hello?

Sandy?

You're not kidding, are you?

Tomorrow.

10:00 A.M.

Okay! Thank you so much!

Okay, bye now.

-I got the part!
-What part?

-Broadway!
-Broadway?

So that's how you got the part?

That's what he told me, yeah.

-And you believed him?
-Yeah!

I think... It's kind of funny,

but I really don't see how you
can make a story like that up.

The same way you make up a
name or cheat on your wife.

He lied to you!

I don't know if I agree
with you, actually.

Because Arnold and I met under
very specific circumstances.

And he didn't owe me anything.

Especially not the truth.

And he certainly didn't
have to give me that part.

And he probably shouldn't have,

for all the grief
that it caused him.

Now, don't yell...
Let me explain.

Nope!

No. No.

No. Get out!

-I was...
-No!

You are one of the most
horrible people I've ever met...

No, in fact, you know what, you are the
most horrible person I have ever met.

You cancel our dinner to go out
with one of my sick patients.

Do you know that only
tells me how sick you are!

God, I just want to
shove this up your cock!

Jane, for God's sake,
it all has to do with my play.

Your play?

I don't care about your play!

Your stupid little play,
I don't care about you.

Just get out!

No.

-Hello?
-How dare you answer your cellphone

in my office!

That's great! I'm
so happy for you.

And now you're happy.

Now he's happy. You're always
depressed with me. Why is that?

Why is that? Who is that?

I can't talk right now.
Call me later.

Was that the crazy blond?

Or the needy father?

Jane, I must talk to you!

God, you know what? I'm so sick
of both of you. Just get out!

All of you, get out!

Just get out!

Okay.

Out!

I'm sick of these tight clothes.

I've gotta get a loose-fitting
suit or something.

Either that or it's liposuction.

Come on, you look great.
You're fishing for compliments.

-Stop it!
-Harpooning is more like it.

Hey, you two strangers,
what are you doing here?

Well, I know what
you're doing here.

Promotion, promotion.

-Promoting.
-Hi.

This is Cece, my P.R. Lady.

Miss Simmons, would you consider
doing a commercial for us?

And of course you can
direct it, Mr. Simmons.

It's Albertson.
Thank you.

Well, I guess I blew
that one. I guess you did.

Thank you, but I don't
really do commercials.

Not my thing.

Did you want to find
some large clothes?

I said less tight...

Yeah, but no, the relaxed or the
more looser fitting are over here.

Nice to meet you.

We'll see you, Seth.

See you later, guys.

My God.

-What's the rush?
-This stuff doesn't look good,

and it's too expensive.
Let's go some place nice.

Like, like Chanel or Prada.

That's bargain basement.

I feel like I'm claustrophobic,
I can hardly breathe in here...

-Look! I love tweed.
-Freaking me out...

I'm going to try this on.

Okay, here, come on, I'll help you.
I love tweed, too.

Arnold, I don't need your help.

Are you sure?
Here, let me watch.

At home, maybe you can
watch me take it off.

Take it easy, cowboy.

I know, but I'm a
good judge of you in tweed.

I know, but sometimes
it's like...

Squirrels to the nuts!

Are you okay?

I cannot believe I'm
running into you, Derek!

No, I'm not going to be quiet.

It's Margie,
remember? From Chicago!

I've looked everywhere for you.

You don't understand,
you've changed my life.

I went to fashion school and
I'm the executive buyer here...

-Besides that...
-Shut up...

You gave me the single best night
I've ever had!

In bed and out.

And it's all because of you
and the Squirrels To The Nuts!

Please keep your voice down!

Okay, see you later, guys.

My God, Seth Gilbert!

So, you guys friends, Arnold?

Where are you going
with this, Seth?

Now you two behave
yourselves, okay?

Is there anything else you need?

"Squirrels To The Nuts,"

you weasily,
no good son of a bitch!

Don't you ever,
ever speak to me again!

Delta, no!
Delta...

Seth, wait!

I got the license plate!
Easy to trace.

No, no, don't worry. I'll take
care of it. I'll pay for everything.

She's my wife,
she was just in a hurry.

Yes, she's a little late for a meeting
and she's a little scattered-brained.

Just absent-minded.

Brad, it's okay. I know him.
He's good for it. Believe me.

Okay, okay.

Tell your wife to be
more careful, Bub.

I will... More careful.

Look, Derek... Arnold...
Whatever your name is.

I know I was speaking too loud.
I was just so excited to see you.

-It's okay...
-Cash, check or charge?

So what is that girl,
a hooker?

Like the one you came
to Nick's with?

Could be.

Call girl.
Escort.

What's the difference? They all
escort you in and out of their pants.

Men!

Yeah, you're right.
We're only good for one thing.

So how about some?

-I'm considering it!
-I still remember London, Delta.

I haven't felt that way since.

Come on, Seth.

You know we were both too far down
other roads for us to get serious.

You were. I would've switched
direction in a second.

I know. You've switched
a bunch of since then.

-It was different with you.
-Come on...

I'm still ready, Del.

This is it, Mr. Gilbert.

-What are you promoting this time?
-My new cologne.

Don't tell me what it's called.

They came up with a
pretty good name, actually.

"Seth's Seduction."

Great...

Mr. Gilbert, it is so wonderful
to have you here!

Everybody's been dying
to meet you in the flesh.

-I beg your pardon?
-He's teasing you.

-Delta, keep up! Keep up!
-I'm trying.

Excuse me.

Can we have your autograph?

We waited four hours in line,
it'll only take you a second.

I'm trying to get to you.
I'm behind here.

Okay, lady, the jig's up.

What are you...
Wait! Seth! Seth!

Well, she ain't a pro.
What, you came back for more?

The suit wasn't enough?

No, I didn't steal
this from here.

-Where did you steal it from?
-No, I didn't steal it at all.

I got into an argument
with my husband at Barney's

and I walked out by accident.
You should call them.

His name is Arnold Albertson,
I'm sure he's paid for it by now.

Could you please put me down?

All right, lady, I'll put
you down. You're an idiot.

We hear a lot of stories,
but this one tops them all.

"I had an argument with
my husband at Barney's

so I came over to Macy's
to steal another suit."

No, you don't understand.
I didn't steal this at all!

Yes. Hello?

What? Who?

The police? What are
you talking about?

What, are you crazy? Yes,
put her on the phone, please!

Arnold? You better get me
the hell out of here

and over to my
parents' apartment!

And I better get there
within the next 20 minutes!

And you better make damn sure
that you're out of the apartment

before I get there!

And what I suggest you do is
get yourself a hotel room, buddy,

and order another call girl!

Squirrels to the fucking nuts!

The unicorn, you see, was
a kind of symbol of women.

And this comes from a period when
women were treated like Chattel.

Like Cattle?

No, Chattel.

It basically means they were
whatever men wanted them to be.

You mean, like now a lot?

Yeah, I guess.

Part of that's why
I wrote the play.

You know, in really ancient times,
the prostitute was a sacred profession.

When was this?

Well, before spirituality and
sexuality were split apart.

They really shouldn't be.

Yeah.

You're a real romantic
guy, aren't you?

I guess Josh saw
something in me.

And it wasn't really
like Arnold.

You know, with Arnold, the money
was as much for him as it was for me.

But with Josh, I think he was the
first person who ever believed in me.

So, of course, cue
somebody from my past

who's going to show up and
ruin the whole damn picture.

Why are you breaking my heart?

Don't you understand
you're breaking my heart,

Izzy... Glo...
Whatever your name is.

-Judges have feelings, too.
-Mister!

I don't think we're in exactly the
best place to have this conversation.

So I suggest you turn around and
go right back where you came from.

And I suggest that
you shut your trap!

I am talking to the lady...

The lady of the night over
here who broke my heart.

I call Vickie's escort
service and the next day...

-Josh, what are you doing?
-Dad?

He's an old man.

-Yeah, a dirty old man!
-That is irrelevant.

Okay, okay.
Dirty sometimes, but not old!

For God's sake, Joshua, do you realize
what you're getting yourself into?

This lady had a night
with your director!

A perfectly romantic one,
I should say.

Isabella! Wait!

Isabella!

It must have been really hard for
you, Josh finding out like that.

Double team him now, he's got
three seconds to get out of...

Where ya been honey? The phone's
been ringing off the hook for you!

All day long!
That's too many calls!

-That Joshua... Sandy and Alfred...
-Again.

What now?

A Derek.

Hello?

Izzy, it's Arnold. I need
to see you right away.

Can you come over to the
Barclay, same room. 1369.

I'll explain everything.
Just meet me here.

I don't know if I can do that.

What do you mean you don't
know if you can do that?

We gotta rehearse!
Just, just, just get over here.

Now, they're all
five in the ring...

Okay.

Hello, Vickie, this is Dr. Do...

Yeah. Yeah, tonight.

The Barclay. 8:00 P.M.
Under the usual name.

You remember that
girl, Glo stick?

Anyone like that?

Right this way, sir.

Thank you, son.

-Hello?
-Seth O'Malley?

I'm just confirming
she's on her way.

She'll be there in half an hour.

Great, thanks. I'm
in a different room.

Yeah, I know.
You told me...

Hang on a minute.
I want a description.

Okay.

-Yes?
-Seth?

How about now?

-Delta?
-No, the Queen of Sheba.

Okay, hang on, Sheba. I'm just on
the other line. Long distance, okay?

-Vickie?
-She's tall and blond and...

Stop her! I can't
see her right now.

Stop her? I can't stop
her. She's in transit.

-Has she got a cellphone?
-Yeah.

Well, call her and tell her to
go on to her next appointment.

I'll call you later maybe.

Well I'll try, but her cellphone
hasn't been working so well.

Okay, call her and
then call me back.

Okay.

-Hey.
-Yes?

Well, come on over.

Where are you, at your
parents'? I'm in 1328.

-Yes, I'll be right there.
-See you soon.

Sorry...

It's okay.

Did you not get the call?

You call me.

No. Vickie. She called to tell you
to go to your next appointment.

I'm busy now.

Busy? Okay.

It's okay, I will wait for here.

No, no, no, no.
Another lady is coming now.

-Yes.
-Yes?

-Who I happen to love.
-Yes.

Do you understand?

My English is not so fast.

God.

Vickie, she tell me come here.

Room
1-3-2-8.

-Yes?
-Yeah.

You don't understand.

I call Vickie.

-Wait, wait, wait, no, no, no...
-Yes.

Wait, don't do that.
You need to go.

Yes. It's ringing.

Jesus Christ...

It's all very confusing.

And it's... Confusing.

Very.

-You know, Josh knows about us now.
-He does?

So does Seth.

Yeah, well... I figured that.

All that's left is Delta...

You mean I should
stay in the play?

Are you kidding?
Of course. Why not?

We're professionals.

No, Kandi, you have to go
back down to the lobby now

and make your call there, okay?

No, Vickie, she tell me,
"hang on".

I hang.

Shit!

-Who is it?
-It's me, Sethy.

-Delta!
-Yes.

Just a second! Pants!

Bathroom! Get in the bathroom!

I call Vickie.

You get in there now.

Okay...

How many women do you think he's
done this with? Why does he do this?

What is it all about? Do you
have any idea what's going on?

What is this whole "changed my life"
business? What is the...

What are you talking about?

I thought you wanted
to talk about us.

Go back by the Serpentine
and Hyde Park and...

Just hold me for a moment,
will you?

Come here.

I still got it for you, Del.

Darling,

let me use your bathroom.

My what?

Your bathroom...
My bathroom!

Well, the, the,
the toilet's broken.

I need to call them again.

I don't need to use your toilet.

You don't need to use my toilet.

No, I don't need
to use your toilet.

Well, then I guess if you
don't need to use the toilet...

Please, stop saying toilet!

You are weird.

Hello, Kandi?
Kandi?

Kandi, is that you? I put
you on hold, are you there?

Delta... Delta, darling,
listen, it's not what you think.

Delta!

Delta! Delta!

1329, it should be right
next door to where you are.

Okay, thanks Vickie.

Delta, it was a
misunderstanding.

She wasn't supposed
to come to my room.

Come on, Seth. You can
do better than that.

Why would I have you come over
with her? It doesn't make any sense!

The girl needed to use the bathroom...
She got scared. I don't know!

Lady, it's my fault.

I supposed
to go 1-3-2-9.

Wrong room.
Thanks for bathtub, mister.

-You see? I told you.
-I still don't believe you.

You love your hookers, too.
Just like my husband.

No, it's because I can't
have you. He has you.

Nobody has me.

Good night.

Yes. Arnold Albertson's
room, please?

Hello?

Who? Arnold?
Yes, this is me.

Who is this?

Delta! No, no...

Delta, darling. Where,
where, where are you?

Downstairs?
What are you doing here?

I thought... No, no, no. Yes,
I'm happy to hear from you.

You know, the last time I spoke
to you you were in jail, and...

Yes, come right up.

My God...

Why'd you tell her
to come up here?

We're in a code red, do you
understand what that means?

We have a tornado
coming up the elevator

and it's about to
touch down here.

Now you've got to go.
We're gonna put you...

Jesus, that's the fastest
elevator I've ever seen!

Bathroom!

-I think I'm gonna throw up.
-Do it quietly.

Hi, honey.

Arnold, how long have
you been doing this?

-Doing what?
-Doing what you've been doing.

Obviously, you've
done it more than once.

This whole "Squirrels
To The Nuts" thing

is obviously your own
special little bit.

I thought it was
just ours, Arnold.

Something you said to help me get
through a difficult time in my career.

Evidently you've been using
it as some kind of seduction,

a kind of lure, a kind of a general
serenade for whoever wants to listen.

Delta, darling,
it's more complicated...

Than meets the eye, yes, I'm sure.
Well please, tell me. What is it?

Research for some wonderful
new play you're planning?

Some new film, perhaps?

Well, in a way, yes. I'm
touched by women's stories.

Apparently!

No, it's... I'm
sort of a feminist...

Yeah, sure.

That's not the right word,
but kind of a mental aware...

Odd perfume you're
wearing, Arnold.

Had a little "Squirrels To
The Nuts" up here lately?

What are you talking
about? No! I...

I don't believe this.

Twice in a night?

Delta. Delta. Delta,
don't open the door.

Delta, it's not
what you think it is.

He's right, you know.
It... It's really not.

Okay, you know what?
This is the Topper!

And now comes my exit.

Out of the room,

out of the hotel,

out of this play,

out of my life!

Good luck to you both!

Delta, stop!
Wait!

Delta! Delta!

I don't wanna hear
anything more! Ever!

It's not what it looks like!

Well, it's not exactly first time
I've seen Izzy leave Arnold's room,

-to be honest, sorry.
-How interesting.

It seems that everybody in the
entire world knew what was going on

except for me.

-Stupid, stupid me.
-You're not stupid.

So glad you boys stick
together in a time of crisis.

Seth, what are you even doing
here? You're always lurking.

Just loitering there, with your
scarves and your little dog.

Just stay out of it!

You're the lunatic, chasing
dames with a wife like this.

It seems all men like
chasing dames, Seth.

No, miss Simmons, he was
just trying to help.

You know, he changed my
life. He gave me $30,000

and today I got
my first apartment.

-He what?
-Thirty thousand dollars? U.S.?

-Yeah.
-I can't handle any more!

For one night?
You must be good.

No, no, no, you
don't understand...

I was trying...

You happy?

Where do you get the
right to be so judgmental!

Listen, mate! You don't want to fight
me, I'll kick the shit out of you!

-Trained on the streets of London!
-Really?

Is that the same London where you
seduced my wife, seven years ago?

Nothing of the sort at all.
She loved you!

Not that I can see why or how!

Why? Maybe because I'm
a good guy and I like...

-Who likes hookers!
-Yeah. Checkmate!

Because I'm not perfect,
okay? Neither are you!

Jesus Christ, this is a waste
of time. It's a waste of time!

I'm going to go to
sleep now, okay?

Tired! Tired!

All I can say is
that in the morning

it's going to be a distinct
pleasure working with you, Arnold.

-Yeah. Your room's over here!
-I knew that!

There were those
nights when you get home

and there's no one to call.

And there's no
vodka left to drink.

And you got nothing on TV apart
from those stupid infomercials.

And you're stuck with yourself.

And that's what they mean
when they say the word terror.

Because all I wanted was to be
wrapped up in somebody's arms.

Anybody's arms.

Even a stranger's.

I hate... I hate being alone.

But when I am,
I look into the mirror

and I tell myself something
that Audrey Hepburn once said...

"I believe in pink.

"I believe that laughter
is the best calorie burner.

"I believe in kissing.

"Kissing a lot.

"I believe in being strong

"even when everything around
you seems to be going wrong.

"I believe that happy girls
are the prettiest girls.

"And I believe that tomorrow
is another day.

And I believe in miracles!"

I believe in miracles.

You know, that...

That works every single time.

Hey, Isabella.
Thank God.

I was trying to call you all night last
night, you didn't pick up your phone.

I didn't really know what to do.

You know, I figured
I'd just show up.

-Morning Josh. Izzy.
-Hey.

-How did you sleep, darling?
-Not good.

Don't let it get ya down!

Okay, let's start right in. We
don't want to waste any time today.

Is everybody here?

Yeah, everybody but Delta.

Well, then,
everybody's not here!

What do you mean,
"Yeah, everybody but Delta?"

You mean, "Everybody but Delta",
you leave out the "Yeah."

Everybody's here but Delta, sir.

Okay, don't call me sir, Sandy.

All right, we're going
to start without her.

Let's just sit down
and have a table-read.

Good morning, everybody!

I assume we're
starting with a reading.

Yes, that's what
I was just saying.

-I thought maybe we'd just sit down...
-Fine!

Let me just say something
here before we get started.

Look, we're all
professionals here.

Which isn't to say that we don't
have problems in our private lives

from time to time.
Of course we do.

But what makes us professionals
is that we don't let those problems

slop over into our work.

And we can't talk about them
in any way, shape or form.

Use it for your performance,
let it fuel that,

But don't let it distract
you from our purpose here.

Which is, of course, that
old show business cliche,

which I happen to
really believe in.

The show must go on and it will!

-We owe it to the public.
-Fine!

I agree with you absolutely,

but I'd just as soon
not read the play.

I would like to begin
with act 1 scene 1,

between Seth's character and mine.
I'd like to get it up right away.

-Wait, I beg your pardon?
-On its feet.

Okay...

Yeah, well, I think that we should
read the entire play first...

Well, considering the situation,

which of course we're not
going to speak about,

I think we ought to just help
the actors get through this,

like getting to the end
of a long, dark tunnel,

rather than try to follow some
accepted directorial rules.

I'd like to think you're
bigger than that as a director.

Anybody have a problem
with this? Seth? Izzy?

-Anybody?
-Nope.

-No, not me.
-Great!

Okay we'll start with scene 1.
Only Seth and Delta are needed.

The rest of us can
watch from the orchestra.

Would you bring out the bedroom
with the couch and the two chairs?

All right, the curtain rises.

It's Hal finnegan's hotel suite.

Delta, whenever you're ready...

Well, I don't have the first line.
But if I did I would begin.

All right.

"Well, you refuse to understand
what I'm saying, so what can I say?

I'm sorry, I guess."

"That's okay, I'm used to it.

You always yell when you don't
know what you're talking about."

"I know what I'm talking about,
you don't want to hear it.

It's a real female thing."

"When you don't want to hear
something, you just don't hear it."

"Well, it's very hard
for me to understand

"how you can sleep with other
women and then sleep with me

and tell me it doesn't
mean anything."

-"Well, it's true."
-"So you're saying

"that the time you
spend with other women

"doesn't exist any
more in your brain.

It isn't some sort
of pleasant memory?"

"No, I didn't say that."

-"Well, then..."
-"Well, then what?"

"How can I not think about
what you're thinking about

"when you're making love to me?

"How do I know you're with me
and not with some other woman

"you made love to
some other time?

"Therefore we're not in sync?

Because I might be thinking
about some guy, too, right?"

"I don't know how we got here.

"All I said was, 'why don't we
go to a vegetarian restaurant.'

"And this had to happen."

"Give me that."

-"No, you quit."
-"So did you."

"Well, just because I'm breaking
my thing, doesn't mean I..."

"What... I can't have a
puff on your cigarette?"

-"I didn't say that."
-"Well, then, give it to me."

"No, I feel bad now for smoking.

'Cause it's like I'm
breaking your thing..."

"I have an independent mind. I want
a fucking puff on the cigarette! Now!"

-"Okay, here."
-"Thank you."

Ring-Ring!
Ring-Ring!

"Why don't you answer it?

"It's probably one
of your friends.

"None of my friends
can ever get through."

"Answer it yourself. I've no interest
in talking to anybody right now."

"I'm getting kinda hungry...

"What do you want to do?"

"I want you to come
over here and kiss me."

"Any particular way?"

"Blindfolded with
my legs crossed."

"How about blindfolded
with your legs apart?"

I'm not sure about that line,
Josh. What do you think?

Just read the
fucking script, Seth.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

We'll get to your
dumb actor questions later.

Just read it, Seth.

"How about blindfolded
with your legs apart?"

"Just shut up and kiss me."

"He, he, he leans in and
gives her a long kiss."

Okay...

All right, okay. I got it!

Hey, that's it! Cut!

What is this, Caligula? I'm
suppose to sit here and watch this?

Sorry, I got really into it.

Come on, that's it.
We're going to take ten.

She's good.

-Shep! What's going on?
-Heel!

Heel.

What are you doing
here? Where's Jane?

What? Wilba!

-Wilba, come back!
-What the hell is going on here?

I'll tell you
what's going on here.

You hired that hooker
because she turns good tricks.

Well, would you like
some good tricks?

'Cause I got a bag full of
them. Who wants to go first?

I've got tricks on all of you!

Jane, this is very
inappropriate and unprofessional!

I don't give a
shit what you think!

Who do you think
you are, Hemingway?

Miss Jane Claremont,

you have absolutely no right to
be talking about your patients

in any way, shape or form!

And you are?

Dad! What are you
doing in that outfit?

-My goodness.
-That's your father?

The man who calls you
constantly... Is a rabbi?

Come on, we're in the middle
of a God damn rehearsal!

-Yeah.
-Well, from what I've just observed,

I think you might be in the
middle of losing your wife!

Who is this person?

Who is she, Arnold?

I have no idea!

She's my ex-girlfriend, Arnold.

I am the person that
knows what's going on here

and I'm fed up with it.

This woman has been hired to sleep
with a number of people in this room.

Two that I know of,
by now probably three?

Really?

Then I'm going to beat
the shit out of anybody

who paid to sleep
with my daughter.

Who was it?

It was him.

-Him... And him.
-That's a lie!

A bullet can kill, but a punch
can change things for the living.

I'll give you spoilers.

John Wayne and
Randolph Scott tore

apart a bar fighting
for Marlene Dietrich.

John Wayne won, of course,
and they lived happily ever after.

We never did it.

Stop it, Al, just stop it! What the
hell do you think you're doing?

This is all just a play!

And who... Who is this?

My father tore a
hole in the sky.

Everyone felt a release.

Slow down, sir.

You can't just come in here and
ruin everything I'm doing, dad.

What is going on?

Don't come towards me!

Don't come, I'll blow
this whistle again!

If you don't let go of your
past, it'll strangle your future.

What is... Give me those!

Those are not playthings.

No, they're rubbers.

It's not nice to say
rubbers, darling.

-No, they're condoms.
-No, they're rubbers.

Wonderful plays your
father directs...

No, they're condoms.

I'm going to live my life!

So long!

What? What?

There's our baby!

-Our baby!
-Hey! She's mine.

Bravo! Bravo!

Bravo!

Bravo!

So the plays' reviews
were that good?

I thought it closed in a week?

Yeah...

I mean, the problem is,
Long Island house wives,

they don't want to spend their big
night out in the company of call girls.

They want dancing lions.

They want singing
Mormons, you know.

They go to the
theater to escape.

It's ironic, isn't it?

But there was still a sprinkle
of magic waiting for me.

There was this guy in the audience,
sat behind my mother,

and he owned a movie studio.

And the rest is history.

Yeah, well, I was really lucky.

Is that what caused you
and Josh to split up?

Your success?

Well, you know, I just feel
like some things in life

aren't meant to last forever.

Hey, Seth!

-Hey, Vickie.
-Sorry we're late.

-That's okay.
-Who's that?

Why is she here?
Who are all those women?

Did you invite them?
Is this an activist group?

You could say that.

-Dear God, no! Get down!
-What?

-My feet are killing me.
-My God...

-Squirrels to the nuts!
-No, no, no...

That's the guy I always
talked to you about!

-I thought that was the end.
-It is!

You have no idea... You have
no idea! You changed my life!

I looked for every Michael Harrington
in the world, practically.

I took that money and parlayed it into
the best escort service in town, honey.

How do you like them apples?

Great to see you!

Bye, I'll catch you later.

That's the end.

And Arnold?

Well, I haven't seen him.

Last I heard he was working for
some sort of non-profit organization

making very large, anonymous
donations to women's charities.

And then Delta,
she fell for a new guy.

Some sort of rocket scientist. You
know, she's over the moon about that.

And then my therapist... I think
she's still with Seth Gilbert.

You know, the red bees.
So...

Yeah, it all wrapped
up real nice.

You know, sort of
just like a movie.

What about you? Is there
a person in your life?

Well, let's just say
I got a mentor...

He's actually a lot of the reason
why I'm telling you all this.

He's very into saying
it how it is.

He says that this town loves
an actress with a past

and he's sure right about that.

Well, it sounds like you've
found your place.

Wherever you are,
that's your happy place.

Squirrels to the
nuts, and all of that.

You're quoting cluny brown now?

What?

That "Squirrels To The Nuts" line,
it's from Lubitsch's Cluny Brown.

-Hey, darling.
-Hey.

It's what Charles Boyer
says to Jennifer Jones

just before they fall in love.

You mean to tell me after all
that, it's not even original?

What's original?

Honey, if we're going to get to
the Sonny Chiba triple feature

we need to leave right now.

He's a kung-fu actor.

He's the only guy on the planet
who loves movies more than I do.

Yep. True!
But you know a lot.

That's very interesting,

you don't seem to be inhibited.

Try to be more specific,

what made you think that
you were out of place?

I didn't think I was.

It's Uncle Arn.
He's always telling me,

"Cluny Brown,
you don't know your place."

Nobody can tell you
where your place is.

Where is my place?
Where is anybody's place?

I'll tell you where it is.

Wherever you're happy,
that's your place.

And happiness is a matter
of purely personal adjustment

to your environment.

In Hyde Park, for instance.

Some people like to feed
nuts to the squirrels.

But if it makes you happy to
feed Squirrels To The Nuts,

who am I to say nuts
to the squirrels?

What did you do?
Schmuck!

Thank you, Elliot.

All you could come up with

was this weak borscht
about professional ethics

because you are worried about how
this thug will handle rejection.