Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,080
This programme contains strong
language and adult humour
2
00:00:22,120 --> 00:00:23,880
It smells like fear.
3
00:00:23,920 --> 00:00:26,320
I've invited six well-known faces...
4
00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:27,640
Ready?
5
00:00:27,680 --> 00:00:29,280
..to my very racy book club.
6
00:00:29,320 --> 00:00:30,600
Oh...!
7
00:00:30,640 --> 00:00:32,120
It is getting spicy.
8
00:00:32,160 --> 00:00:33,320
Making me sweat.
9
00:00:33,360 --> 00:00:35,200
Amateur writers have worked
with us...
10
00:00:35,240 --> 00:00:36,520
I can't read this!
11
00:00:36,560 --> 00:00:37,600
Wow.
12
00:00:37,640 --> 00:00:38,960
I'm dressing up as a fireman?
13
00:00:39,000 --> 00:00:40,520
Howl!
14
00:00:40,560 --> 00:00:42,680
..to create mind-blowing
fantasies...
15
00:00:42,720 --> 00:00:44,520
Whoever wrote this is a G!
16
00:00:44,560 --> 00:00:45,760
..of love...
17
00:00:45,800 --> 00:00:46,880
Ugh!
18
00:00:46,920 --> 00:00:48,080
Quite hot, isn't it?
19
00:00:48,120 --> 00:00:49,240
..passionate liaisons....
20
00:00:49,280 --> 00:00:50,560
I would never do that.
21
00:00:50,600 --> 00:00:51,960
No!
22
00:00:52,000 --> 00:00:53,520
..and unbridled lust.
23
00:00:53,560 --> 00:00:54,880
Oh, no.
24
00:00:54,920 --> 00:00:56,440
There's a limit.
25
00:00:56,480 --> 00:00:58,800
We've used puppets,
so you don't have to use...
26
00:00:58,840 --> 00:01:00,840
Beavers for ever!
27
00:01:00,880 --> 00:01:02,280
..your imagination.
28
00:01:02,320 --> 00:01:04,040
Oh, my God!
29
00:01:04,080 --> 00:01:06,880
So, join me for the rudest book club
in town.
30
00:01:06,920 --> 00:01:09,720
I just can't accept what
I'm reading.
31
00:01:09,760 --> 00:01:11,400
What a story!
32
00:01:11,440 --> 00:01:12,840
And that was just page one.
33
00:01:19,880 --> 00:01:22,360
Melvin Odoom, welcome to book club.
34
00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:24,120
This is very posh. I'm liking it.
35
00:01:24,160 --> 00:01:26,960
No expense spared for Melvin Odoom.
Mm.
36
00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:29,000
Bit difficult to get hold of.
37
00:01:29,040 --> 00:01:31,280
They're slippery little badgers.
But there we go.
38
00:01:31,320 --> 00:01:32,880
Thank you very much.
You are so welcome.
39
00:01:32,920 --> 00:01:35,400
Shall I wait for you to do yours
before we cheers? Yeah.
40
00:01:35,440 --> 00:01:37,160
Always look in the eyes.
Bad luck.
41
00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:39,720
Ten years' bad sex. Bad sex.
No-one wants that.
42
00:01:39,760 --> 00:01:41,280
I didn't even know that! Yeah.
43
00:01:43,040 --> 00:01:46,040
You'll probably be calling A&E after
I've had that. Just to warn you.
44
00:01:46,080 --> 00:01:47,680
OK. Is that enough for you?
It's quite a lot.
45
00:01:47,720 --> 00:01:49,480
And cheers. Cheers.
46
00:01:49,520 --> 00:01:50,760
Yeah.
47
00:01:50,800 --> 00:01:53,200
Right, come on, Mel.
Yes. Come on.
48
00:01:53,240 --> 00:01:55,240
There you go, that's for you.
Thank you.
49
00:01:55,280 --> 00:01:56,960
I've never read this either.
50
00:01:57,000 --> 00:01:59,000
Lord only knows.
51
00:01:59,040 --> 00:02:00,400
What is going on?!
52
00:02:00,440 --> 00:02:01,880
Who knows? OK.
53
00:02:08,160 --> 00:02:10,200
Before you go on, I should explain.
54
00:02:10,240 --> 00:02:12,840
Some of these scenes will be
re-enacted by puppets.
55
00:02:12,880 --> 00:02:14,960
OK. Yeah? Working hard,
getting into character.
56
00:02:15,000 --> 00:02:17,200
So, is there a puppet that looks
like me, then? There will be.
57
00:02:17,240 --> 00:02:18,760
Can't wait for this.
58
00:02:18,800 --> 00:02:20,240
Chapter One.
59
00:02:20,280 --> 00:02:22,760
The Only Way Is...Es-sex?
60
00:02:22,800 --> 00:02:25,440
Yeah? And they've split up
the word "Essex" there.
61
00:02:25,480 --> 00:02:27,560
Do you watch TOWIE?
Sometimes.
62
00:02:27,600 --> 00:02:29,800
Big fan of Gemma Collins.
Yeah, she's amazing.
63
00:02:29,840 --> 00:02:32,440
So, shall I start?
Go for it, my love.
64
00:02:32,480 --> 00:02:36,720
OK. So, Melvin lay there,
on a heart-shaped bed.
65
00:02:36,760 --> 00:02:39,120
Have they been in my house?
66
00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:41,840
A cool breeze coming in through
the window,
67
00:02:41,880 --> 00:02:45,680
making the nipples on his reasonably
well-defined chest
68
00:02:45,720 --> 00:02:47,640
stand to attention,
69
00:02:47,680 --> 00:02:51,320
like two puppies who had just
heard the word "walkies!"
70
00:02:51,360 --> 00:02:54,400
Wow, that is a powerful paragraph
right there.
71
00:02:54,440 --> 00:02:56,520
We've got nipples in the
first paragraph. Yep.
72
00:02:56,560 --> 00:02:58,440
Straight in there with the nips.
73
00:02:58,480 --> 00:03:02,000
He took a moment to reflect on how
he'd got to this moment
74
00:03:02,040 --> 00:03:05,040
in his life, this bed
at this time...
75
00:03:05,080 --> 00:03:07,480
..with Gemma Collins!
76
00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:10,800
Sat on his face just moments
earlier.
77
00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:13,360
MELVIN LAUGHS
78
00:03:13,400 --> 00:03:15,480
You mentioned that you liked
Gemma Collins. Yeah.
79
00:03:15,520 --> 00:03:18,160
Have you ever thought of her in this
way, or in this geographical...?
80
00:03:18,200 --> 00:03:19,720
Not sitting on my face.
81
00:03:19,760 --> 00:03:22,240
I don't think anyone's ever sat
on my face before.
82
00:03:22,280 --> 00:03:24,880
Geographically hard to plant it,
isn't it?
83
00:03:24,920 --> 00:03:26,360
Can you breathe?
84
00:03:26,400 --> 00:03:27,560
Who knows?
85
00:03:27,600 --> 00:03:29,840
We need to experiment more, Mel.
That's what we're learning here.
86
00:03:29,880 --> 00:03:32,280
Yeah, no, we do. We've...
we've made that very clear.
87
00:03:32,320 --> 00:03:35,760
No-one's sat on either of our faces,
and it needs to happen soon.
88
00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:37,040
Ahem.
89
00:03:37,080 --> 00:03:41,080
"Babe, you were down there so long
my vajazzle is all over the place.
90
00:03:41,120 --> 00:03:44,600
"Give us a call when you're next
in Essex, yeah?"
91
00:03:44,640 --> 00:03:45,840
That's a great impression.
92
00:03:45,880 --> 00:03:47,520
Is that all right?
Very good.
93
00:03:47,560 --> 00:03:50,360
"You know I will," he said, whilst
removing one of Gemma's crystals
94
00:03:50,400 --> 00:03:52,320
from his teeth.
95
00:03:52,360 --> 00:03:56,080
"I'm serious. Call me before you
call any of your other girls.
96
00:03:56,120 --> 00:03:58,920
"I want first dibs," GC spat out.
97
00:04:00,320 --> 00:04:02,000
And that was just page one.
98
00:04:02,040 --> 00:04:04,080
We're straight in.
Exactly.
99
00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:06,160
"Aren't you being well jel, Gem?
100
00:04:06,200 --> 00:04:10,040
"You know I've got room in my bed
for all of you," Melvin retorted.
101
00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:14,400
And with that happy thought, Melvin
shut the GC's door behind him.
102
00:04:16,920 --> 00:04:19,880
The world may not have realised
he was radio's most rampant
103
00:04:19,920 --> 00:04:22,040
love machine, but he knew it,
104
00:04:22,080 --> 00:04:24,040
and that was all that mattered.
105
00:04:24,080 --> 00:04:26,840
"Radio's most rampant love machine."
Mm.
106
00:04:26,880 --> 00:04:29,160
How many other love machines
do we know?
107
00:04:29,200 --> 00:04:30,360
Steve Wright?
108
00:04:30,400 --> 00:04:32,200
The Stamina Daddy apparently
is his nickname.
109
00:04:32,240 --> 00:04:33,640
MEL LAUGHS
110
00:04:33,680 --> 00:04:35,880
Outside, he opened up his phone.
111
00:04:35,920 --> 00:04:38,800
The last message remained unread...
112
00:04:38,840 --> 00:04:41,640
..along with the 50 previous ones.
113
00:04:41,680 --> 00:04:45,520
His brain screamed at him
to let it go.
114
00:04:45,560 --> 00:04:50,040
But his fingers flew like a squadron
of Red Arrows to the keyboard.
115
00:04:50,080 --> 00:04:53,400
"Please talk to me." Send.
116
00:04:53,440 --> 00:04:55,360
Desperate.
117
00:04:55,400 --> 00:04:57,080
Play it cool, bruv.
118
00:04:57,120 --> 00:05:00,840
He looked down again at
the message, unread.
119
00:05:00,880 --> 00:05:04,400
The desperation of waiting for
the ticks to turn blue.
120
00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:09,320
The deep sea blue that matched his
former lover's eyes was unbearable.
121
00:05:09,360 --> 00:05:11,760
It's very poetic.
This is nice, isn't it?
122
00:05:11,800 --> 00:05:13,560
But we don't quite yet know
who you're...
123
00:05:13,600 --> 00:05:15,600
Who have I sent it to?
Well...
124
00:05:15,640 --> 00:05:19,240
And it's somebody with deep sea
blue eyes. Blue eyes.
125
00:05:19,280 --> 00:05:21,280
Oh, it's not going to be Amy Childs.
126
00:05:21,320 --> 00:05:23,360
She's got... I think she's got
brown eyes. Yeah.
127
00:05:23,400 --> 00:05:25,720
Lauren Pope? Could be.
Yeah?
128
00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:27,160
Let's hope so.
129
00:05:29,560 --> 00:05:31,040
Chapter Two.
130
00:05:31,080 --> 00:05:33,160
A New Day, A New Hook Up.
131
00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:35,320
This is... What is this?!
132
00:05:35,360 --> 00:05:36,760
OK.
133
00:05:36,800 --> 00:05:39,080
Tonight had been all about love.
134
00:05:41,520 --> 00:05:44,920
Judi Love, to be precise.
135
00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:48,120
And, boy, had it been some
sweet, sweet lovin'!
136
00:05:48,160 --> 00:05:50,880
All right, first of all,
we love Judi Love. I know.
137
00:05:50,920 --> 00:05:52,400
She the best heart.
Yeah.
138
00:05:52,440 --> 00:05:53,880
The best energy.
She is amazing.
139
00:05:53,920 --> 00:05:55,720
And I think she'd be a great lover,
Judi Love.
140
00:05:55,760 --> 00:05:57,920
I mean, her name says it all.
141
00:05:57,960 --> 00:06:01,840
He nibbled one breast,
and then the other,
142
00:06:01,880 --> 00:06:06,840
before kissing her like a panther
on heat.
143
00:06:06,880 --> 00:06:08,600
It is getting spicy.
144
00:06:08,640 --> 00:06:10,480
It's super spice.
145
00:06:10,520 --> 00:06:14,040
Judi smiled like the cat that got
the full cream.
146
00:06:14,080 --> 00:06:15,600
Is that filth?
147
00:06:15,640 --> 00:06:18,160
You're reading too much into this,
Melv. Maybe, yeah.
148
00:06:18,200 --> 00:06:20,680
But, yeah, it is.
I bet it is!
149
00:06:20,720 --> 00:06:23,720
"Don't forget your pants Melv,"
Judi purred.
150
00:06:23,760 --> 00:06:25,680
Rrrr!
151
00:06:25,720 --> 00:06:28,280
"I swear, Judi, if you've hidden
them again..."
152
00:06:28,320 --> 00:06:30,600
"You know me, babes.
153
00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:35,040
"Would I ever?" she said with
a cheeky smile?
154
00:06:35,080 --> 00:06:38,600
God, she was a sexy woman,
he thought to himself,
155
00:06:38,640 --> 00:06:41,040
before remembering how sexy
he was too.
156
00:06:41,080 --> 00:06:42,480
MEL LAUGHS
157
00:06:42,520 --> 00:06:45,640
And with that,
he headed for the door.
158
00:06:45,680 --> 00:06:47,920
Have you ever had that thought,
Melvin, where you just think...?
159
00:06:47,960 --> 00:06:49,400
What, that I'm a sexy guy?
160
00:06:49,440 --> 00:06:51,600
"Dang, I'm sexy!" Erm...
161
00:06:51,640 --> 00:06:53,640
I would never say it out loud.
Yeah.
162
00:06:53,680 --> 00:06:56,120
But I think you've got to back
yourself, though. You do.
163
00:06:56,160 --> 00:06:58,600
I'm proud of myself after
the lovemaking.
164
00:06:58,640 --> 00:07:00,160
Ah, OK. Yeah.
165
00:07:00,200 --> 00:07:02,880
But sometimes I'll go to the
bathroom and say to the mirror,
166
00:07:02,920 --> 00:07:04,640
WHISPERING: "Well done, Melv."
167
00:07:04,680 --> 00:07:05,720
Yeah.
168
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:08,840
Outside, his smirk disappeared.
169
00:07:08,880 --> 00:07:11,280
51 unread messages.
170
00:07:11,320 --> 00:07:13,800
He felt drained and empty.
171
00:07:13,840 --> 00:07:15,520
That's sad.
172
00:07:15,560 --> 00:07:19,120
"Let's make it 52,"
he growled loudly.
173
00:07:19,160 --> 00:07:22,600
So, this is 51 messages that
I've sent?
174
00:07:22,640 --> 00:07:23,960
That aren't being read.
175
00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:26,680
That's...that's rude.
Really rude.
176
00:07:26,720 --> 00:07:29,280
"You need me. I don't need you,"
177
00:07:29,320 --> 00:07:31,520
he slammed out angrily
into the keyboard.
178
00:07:31,560 --> 00:07:32,880
Wow.
179
00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:36,360
A string of tears blanching
the edge of his eyelids.
180
00:07:36,400 --> 00:07:37,880
I feel sorry for you, Melvs.
181
00:07:37,920 --> 00:07:39,360
I feel sorry for me.
182
00:07:43,720 --> 00:07:45,120
Chapter Three.
183
00:07:45,160 --> 00:07:47,320
Balls, Ballads and Bad Boys.
184
00:07:47,360 --> 00:07:48,840
Nice.
185
00:07:48,880 --> 00:07:50,440
Backstage at the BRIT awards...
186
00:07:50,480 --> 00:07:53,320
Lovely. I love this idea that
this is where we are now.
187
00:07:53,360 --> 00:07:55,080
Backstage at the BRIT awards!
188
00:07:55,120 --> 00:07:57,120
Have you been to the Brits?
No, I haven't.
189
00:07:57,160 --> 00:07:58,600
Ever?!
190
00:07:58,640 --> 00:08:00,840
Sue and I were invited,
back in the '90s.
191
00:08:00,880 --> 00:08:02,480
Oh, right. When we were hot.
192
00:08:02,520 --> 00:08:05,040
You're still hot.
Oh...!
193
00:08:05,080 --> 00:08:07,520
In his own luxury dressing room,
194
00:08:07,560 --> 00:08:11,880
Melvin's thigh-skimming kimono
was only loosely tied.
195
00:08:11,920 --> 00:08:13,680
Would you ever wear a little kimono?
196
00:08:13,720 --> 00:08:15,440
I would love that.
Would you?
197
00:08:15,480 --> 00:08:16,680
I think it's sexy.
198
00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:19,840
Definitely.
199
00:08:19,880 --> 00:08:22,080
He was nervous.
200
00:08:22,120 --> 00:08:26,240
His backstage rider of kenkey
and fried fish
201
00:08:26,280 --> 00:08:28,880
with a side of kelewele...
202
00:08:28,920 --> 00:08:30,800
..remained uneaten!
203
00:08:30,840 --> 00:08:33,240
Whoever wrote this is a G!
204
00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:37,360
This is a delicacy in Ghana
right now.
205
00:08:37,400 --> 00:08:40,760
Tonight was the biggest gig
of Melvin's life,
206
00:08:40,800 --> 00:08:44,760
only bettered by his seven days,
17 hours
207
00:08:44,800 --> 00:08:47,040
and six minutes on Strictly.
208
00:08:47,080 --> 00:08:50,320
Absolute liberty,
who's written this!
209
00:08:50,360 --> 00:08:52,000
It's too soon!
210
00:08:52,040 --> 00:08:55,160
It was only four years ago!
211
00:08:55,200 --> 00:08:57,960
But, listen, can I just refer you...
to the Christmas special?
212
00:08:58,000 --> 00:08:59,000
Yeah...
213
00:08:59,040 --> 00:09:00,800
I say to my friends...
Which you won.
214
00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:03,280
I won the Christmas special, and
they go, "Melvin, it doesn't count."
215
00:09:03,320 --> 00:09:04,960
Oh!
216
00:09:05,000 --> 00:09:06,560
But you were robbed.
217
00:09:06,600 --> 00:09:08,640
I WAS robbed. You were ruddy robbed,
yeah, yeah, yeah.
218
00:09:10,240 --> 00:09:13,720
He looked at the unread messages
on his phone.
219
00:09:13,760 --> 00:09:18,400
Tonight he would come face-to-face
with the one that got away,
220
00:09:18,440 --> 00:09:21,720
the one that got him the gig.
221
00:09:21,760 --> 00:09:25,400
So, it's definitely a big star
of some kind.
222
00:09:26,440 --> 00:09:27,440
Grr!
223
00:09:28,840 --> 00:09:30,880
He hated the one that got away.
224
00:09:30,920 --> 00:09:34,880
Except, really, they weren't
the one that got away.
225
00:09:34,920 --> 00:09:37,520
They were the one that toyed
with his heart,
226
00:09:37,560 --> 00:09:39,720
turned it around and spat it out.
227
00:09:39,760 --> 00:09:40,960
Wow.
228
00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:44,760
"Fuck you, Ed!"
229
00:09:46,680 --> 00:09:48,200
..he howled into the room.
230
00:09:48,240 --> 00:09:49,640
Ed? Where's... Who?
231
00:09:49,680 --> 00:09:51,280
Fuck you, Ed? Ed?
232
00:09:51,320 --> 00:09:53,200
Who's Ed? Ed...
233
00:09:53,240 --> 00:09:54,560
Ed the duck?
234
00:09:54,600 --> 00:09:56,640
Ed Gamble, the comedian?
Oh, yeah.
235
00:09:56,680 --> 00:09:58,160
Ed Balls.
236
00:09:58,200 --> 00:09:59,680
Hang on... No!
237
00:09:59,720 --> 00:10:01,880
Look at who's at the top of page
nine. Oh, OK.
238
00:10:02,920 --> 00:10:05,480
"Oh, how I fucking hate you,
Ed Sheeran."
239
00:10:07,880 --> 00:10:10,200
You know what, I mean,
I've been into gingers before.
240
00:10:10,240 --> 00:10:11,840
Are you in love with his body?
241
00:10:11,880 --> 00:10:13,320
Very good.
242
00:10:13,360 --> 00:10:14,800
I'm in love with his music.
243
00:10:14,840 --> 00:10:16,400
So, yeah, I suppose I do love Ed.
244
00:10:16,440 --> 00:10:17,800
So, let's see.
245
00:10:17,840 --> 00:10:19,720
This is sexy. Yeah, man.
246
00:10:19,760 --> 00:10:23,240
"How I fucking hate you,
Ed Sheeran," he screamed into
247
00:10:23,280 --> 00:10:25,560
the void of his dressing
room ceiling,
248
00:10:25,600 --> 00:10:28,000
just as Ed Sheeran stumbled
though his doorway,
249
00:10:28,040 --> 00:10:30,360
trouser fly open, sans boxers.
250
00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:31,800
Standard Sheeran.
251
00:10:33,360 --> 00:10:38,040
Melvin stood up, his short kimono
flew open...
252
00:10:38,080 --> 00:10:40,040
..and his pump burst free.
253
00:10:41,520 --> 00:10:43,920
Is the pump your...?
254
00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:45,520
I would assume.
255
00:10:45,560 --> 00:10:47,080
He didn't care.
256
00:10:47,120 --> 00:10:49,920
Ed had seen his glorious naked
body before...!
257
00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:51,600
MELVIN LAUGHS
258
00:10:51,640 --> 00:10:53,400
Imagine Ed reading this!
259
00:10:53,440 --> 00:10:55,120
Oh, my God.
260
00:10:55,160 --> 00:10:57,400
The two men looked at each other.
261
00:11:02,880 --> 00:11:04,640
"You." "You."
262
00:11:04,680 --> 00:11:07,200
..they said in unison.
263
00:11:07,240 --> 00:11:08,680
Wow.
264
00:11:08,720 --> 00:11:11,080
So, Ed Sheeran...
Something's happened before.
265
00:11:11,120 --> 00:11:14,240
I need a drink. OK, let's
have a little top-up.
266
00:11:14,280 --> 00:11:16,560
It's like a roller-coaster, this.
Yeah.
267
00:11:21,080 --> 00:11:23,320
# I'm in love with
the shape of you... #
268
00:11:23,360 --> 00:11:25,400
Anywhere there's a ginger hair...
269
00:11:25,440 --> 00:11:27,120
..I want you there!
270
00:11:40,320 --> 00:11:43,640
Listen, part one, a lot happened.
271
00:11:43,680 --> 00:11:48,200
And now, suddenly, Ed ruddy Sheeran
has come into play. To play.
272
00:11:48,240 --> 00:11:50,280
So, according to this, he's an ex.
Yeah.
273
00:11:50,320 --> 00:11:52,800
He broke your heart, by the sounds
of it. We're about to find out.
274
00:11:52,840 --> 00:11:54,960
Shall we carry on?
Let's carry on, Melv. OK, cool.
275
00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:56,520
Yeah, let's carry on.
276
00:11:56,560 --> 00:11:59,200
When Ed Sheeran first walked
into his life,
277
00:11:59,240 --> 00:12:01,680
he had been confused,
to say the least.
278
00:12:03,320 --> 00:12:07,360
Ed had been promoting his new tour
on Melvin's radio show.
279
00:12:07,400 --> 00:12:10,480
The sexual tension between the two
was instant.
280
00:12:10,520 --> 00:12:11,960
MEL LAUGHS
281
00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:14,040
As Melvin rode the faders,
282
00:12:14,080 --> 00:12:16,840
he wished he was riding Ed
up and down.
283
00:12:16,880 --> 00:12:19,480
Up and down.
284
00:12:19,520 --> 00:12:21,440
This is...erotic.
285
00:12:23,240 --> 00:12:26,760
At least the mixing desk was hiding
his engorged pump.
286
00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:30,800
This word, "pump"... Exactly.
..that keeps coming up.
287
00:12:30,840 --> 00:12:33,160
How do you feel about that?
There's so many names.
288
00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:35,440
Come on, give me some. Like,
"the piece". The Ghana banana.
289
00:12:35,480 --> 00:12:36,480
Wow.
290
00:12:36,520 --> 00:12:38,600
But I've never called it a "pump"
before.
291
00:12:38,640 --> 00:12:40,920
I did have a nickname called
One Pump Melv, though.
292
00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:42,120
Oh...
293
00:12:42,160 --> 00:12:43,720
It was a bad night, yeah.
294
00:12:43,760 --> 00:12:45,920
One pump? Yeah, I didn't last
very long.
295
00:12:45,960 --> 00:12:47,640
Oh. Wow.
296
00:12:47,680 --> 00:12:50,040
And as soon as Melvin had
signed off,
297
00:12:50,080 --> 00:12:52,520
Ed soothingly hummed into
the microphone.,
298
00:12:52,560 --> 00:12:54,200
"My place, lover boy."
299
00:12:54,240 --> 00:12:56,000
MEL LAUGHS
300
00:12:56,040 --> 00:12:59,400
"The really central London hotel,
after 8:00."
301
00:12:59,440 --> 00:13:01,600
So, he hummed it, he sort of made it
into a song?
302
00:13:01,640 --> 00:13:03,960
# My place, lover boy
303
00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:07,400
# The really central London hotel. #
304
00:13:07,440 --> 00:13:08,840
WHISPERING: "After 8:00."
305
00:13:11,800 --> 00:13:13,400
Chapter Four.
306
00:13:13,440 --> 00:13:15,320
Outside Ed's Hotel.
307
00:13:18,080 --> 00:13:23,080
Under Ed's balcony, Melvin's
iPhone 10 struck 8:00,
308
00:13:23,120 --> 00:13:26,600
and he knew he was entering
dangerous territory.
309
00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:28,760
"Play it cool, Mel. Play it cool."
310
00:13:28,800 --> 00:13:32,120
He picked up the ukulele
he'd borrowed from his nephew,
311
00:13:32,160 --> 00:13:34,280
took a deep breath,
312
00:13:34,320 --> 00:13:36,360
and sang.
313
00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:39,280
# I'm in love with the shape
of you... #
314
00:13:39,320 --> 00:13:42,400
His voice came out croaky
and unsteady.
315
00:13:42,440 --> 00:13:44,200
He was nervous.
316
00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:46,600
# We push and pull like
a magnet do... #
317
00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:50,040
He warbled with a voice as
tuneless as a 20 strong
318
00:13:50,080 --> 00:13:52,560
hen do at a silent disco.
319
00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:54,760
Now, that's a party.
320
00:13:54,800 --> 00:13:57,520
Ed Sheeran walked on to his balcony
321
00:13:57,560 --> 00:14:00,240
to listen to Melvin Odoom
serenade him.
322
00:14:00,280 --> 00:14:02,680
Surely, Ed should be the one
singing to me?
323
00:14:02,720 --> 00:14:04,520
Maybe he will, Melv.
324
00:14:04,560 --> 00:14:06,360
Have a little bit of patience.
Yeah.
325
00:14:06,400 --> 00:14:08,200
Let's see what happens.
No patience.
326
00:14:08,240 --> 00:14:09,920
That's why I got the name,
One Pump Melv.
327
00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:12,040
Oh. Yeah.
328
00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:13,920
"Wait there!" Ed shouted.
329
00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:18,000
In a moment, Ed was running
towards Melvin,
330
00:14:18,040 --> 00:14:20,160
barefoot on the grass,
331
00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:23,440
with his firm, rusty rod...
flapping in the wind.
332
00:14:23,480 --> 00:14:25,000
Rusty rod?
333
00:14:25,040 --> 00:14:26,440
Rusty rod's not good, is it?
334
00:14:26,480 --> 00:14:28,960
Are they suggesting...
what, his ginger pubes?
335
00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:31,120
It's not a good image is it,
a rusty rod?
336
00:14:31,160 --> 00:14:32,920
Rusty rod?!
337
00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:35,600
"I've never heard my song sung
like that," Ed said,
338
00:14:35,640 --> 00:14:39,280
sensually taking the ukulele
from Melvin.
339
00:14:39,320 --> 00:14:42,040
Melvin was in familiar
territory now,
340
00:14:42,080 --> 00:14:44,080
or so he had thought.
341
00:14:44,120 --> 00:14:46,520
Grabbing hold of Ed by the waist...
342
00:14:46,560 --> 00:14:48,280
MELVIN LAUGHS
343
00:14:48,320 --> 00:14:51,440
..he leant in slowly and tenderly.
344
00:14:51,480 --> 00:14:53,680
But Ed was eager.
345
00:14:53,720 --> 00:14:56,440
He launched at Melvin's face,
slamming their mouths together
346
00:14:56,480 --> 00:14:58,560
in a passionate fury.
347
00:14:59,840 --> 00:15:01,480
This is...!
348
00:15:01,520 --> 00:15:05,960
Tongue tickled tongue,
as Ed's fingers slithered around...
349
00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:07,720
..Melvin's man pipe?
350
00:15:07,760 --> 00:15:09,080
O...K.
351
00:15:09,120 --> 00:15:10,720
Man pipe?
352
00:15:10,760 --> 00:15:12,800
Phew, this is...
I tell you what.
353
00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:15,240
I'm worried that Ed's going to start
playing your man pipe.
354
00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:16,560
Possibly.
355
00:15:16,600 --> 00:15:18,520
Is it an instrument of music?
We'll find out.
356
00:15:18,560 --> 00:15:20,840
It's like 50 shades of black
at the moment.
357
00:15:20,880 --> 00:15:23,800
Melvin tried not to feel the
sensations running through
358
00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:27,800
his throbbing groin, as they
frenchied under the moonlight.
359
00:15:27,840 --> 00:15:29,600
"Anywhere there's ginger hair,
360
00:15:29,640 --> 00:15:31,480
"I want you there."
361
00:15:31,520 --> 00:15:33,240
MELVIN LAUGHS
362
00:15:33,280 --> 00:15:35,560
..Ed said with an assertiveness
363
00:15:35,600 --> 00:15:38,160
that made Melvin tremble
to his knees.
364
00:15:41,120 --> 00:15:43,680
Ed's kind of in charge here,
isn't he? He IS in charge.
365
00:15:43,720 --> 00:15:45,840
Come on, Melv, you've got to take
back a bit of control.
366
00:15:45,880 --> 00:15:48,600
I don't think I have any control
when it comes to this story.
367
00:15:48,640 --> 00:15:50,360
Melvin fell to his knees.
368
00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:53,520
Ed's ginger pubes tickling
Melvin's nose
369
00:15:53,560 --> 00:15:56,800
as he engulfed his entire sausage.
370
00:15:58,480 --> 00:16:00,720
Mel! I mean...
371
00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:04,080
Unable to breathe,
not wanting to stop...
372
00:16:04,120 --> 00:16:05,760
I need a drink.
373
00:16:05,800 --> 00:16:07,960
Have a sip of that for me.
374
00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:10,960
Gradually, he moved towards
his ginger nuts,
375
00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:13,840
as sweet as any biscuit Melvin
had ever eaten.
376
00:16:13,880 --> 00:16:15,280
Do you like a ginger nut?
377
00:16:15,320 --> 00:16:16,800
I do like a ginger nut, I do.
Delicious.
378
00:16:16,840 --> 00:16:18,800
Digestive's nice, as well.
Yeah.
379
00:16:18,840 --> 00:16:20,440
Good for dunking.
380
00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:22,240
Yeah...
381
00:16:22,280 --> 00:16:26,640
A hedonistic and unadulterated
five and a half days followed,
382
00:16:26,680 --> 00:16:29,920
in which Melvin only had eyes
for one lover.
383
00:16:33,760 --> 00:16:35,200
Five and a half days, wow.
384
00:16:35,240 --> 00:16:36,560
Do you take breaks?
385
00:16:36,600 --> 00:16:38,520
You'd absolutely have to.
Yeah.
386
00:16:47,480 --> 00:16:49,480
Would you have any more liquid
inside you?
387
00:16:49,520 --> 00:16:52,440
I don't know.
The chafing would be intense.
388
00:16:52,480 --> 00:16:54,640
Until it was time for Ed
to go on tour.
389
00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:55,960
Oh..
390
00:16:56,000 --> 00:16:58,200
Oh. So, Ed's leaving me now?
That's quite sad.
391
00:16:58,240 --> 00:17:00,280
So, am I just a...a fling?
392
00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:03,280
Melvin waved him off on
the very hotel grass
393
00:17:03,320 --> 00:17:06,080
where their members had first
moulded together.
394
00:17:09,120 --> 00:17:12,560
His first tentative message
to Ed was eager.
395
00:17:12,600 --> 00:17:16,400
"I miss you, my golden cherub.
Miss me?"
396
00:17:16,440 --> 00:17:18,200
He heard nothing. Oh...
397
00:17:18,240 --> 00:17:22,120
"Thinking of you,
you ginger overlord."
398
00:17:22,160 --> 00:17:24,000
Followed the next day.
399
00:17:24,040 --> 00:17:25,640
Ginger overlord? Nothing!
400
00:17:25,680 --> 00:17:28,560
Ginger overlord is excellent.
That is great.
401
00:17:28,600 --> 00:17:30,840
Day after day, nothing.
402
00:17:30,880 --> 00:17:33,960
Melvin, player of players,
had been played.
403
00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:35,920
I feel cross with Ed at this point.
404
00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:38,240
For five and a half days, then back
on tour. Five and a half days...
405
00:17:38,280 --> 00:17:40,240
Like I'm nothing.
Cor blimey.
406
00:17:42,400 --> 00:17:43,840
Chapter Five.
407
00:17:43,880 --> 00:17:45,320
Textual Healing.
408
00:17:45,360 --> 00:17:46,600
Lovely. Very good.
409
00:17:46,640 --> 00:17:48,160
Love-ly!
410
00:17:48,200 --> 00:17:50,560
The chapter titles are smashing it
at the moment.
411
00:17:50,600 --> 00:17:51,920
They're very, very strong.
412
00:17:51,960 --> 00:17:54,480
Right, I'm hoping that Ed is going
to come good.
413
00:17:54,520 --> 00:17:57,120
Back at the big award show,
things were heating up.
414
00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:59,600
The opening act was moments away.
415
00:17:59,640 --> 00:18:03,400
But in his dressing room,
first-time host Melvin Odoom
416
00:18:03,440 --> 00:18:06,000
was busy glaring hard,
hard and deeply into
417
00:18:06,040 --> 00:18:09,720
the eyes of his former lover,
Ed Sheeran.
418
00:18:09,760 --> 00:18:13,080
So, he's back off the tour,
and expecting an immediate hook-up.
419
00:18:13,120 --> 00:18:14,960
That is disgusting.
Isn't it?
420
00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:16,400
But it was Ed that spoke first.
421
00:18:16,440 --> 00:18:17,680
Oh.
422
00:18:17,720 --> 00:18:21,120
"How dare you never get in touch
after what we had."
423
00:18:21,160 --> 00:18:24,560
"I took you roller-skating,
I ate kale for you.
424
00:18:24,600 --> 00:18:26,160
"I hate kale!"
425
00:18:27,240 --> 00:18:28,720
Ed's list went on.
426
00:18:28,760 --> 00:18:31,840
But hang on. So, Ed thinks that you
haven't been in touch with him.
427
00:18:31,880 --> 00:18:33,520
So, maybe... But you have.
428
00:18:33,560 --> 00:18:35,760
I tell you what.
Anything could happen, Melvs.
429
00:18:35,800 --> 00:18:37,320
Anything could happen.
430
00:18:37,360 --> 00:18:39,640
"I even got you this gig, Melvin.
431
00:18:39,680 --> 00:18:43,640
"And then you just drop me, leaving
me like a piece of buttered toast
432
00:18:43,680 --> 00:18:45,280
"when it lands face down".
433
00:18:45,320 --> 00:18:46,600
Oh!
434
00:18:46,640 --> 00:18:49,000
"What are you talking about?
I wrote to you.
435
00:18:49,040 --> 00:18:51,280
"I wrote to you every single day."
436
00:18:53,160 --> 00:18:55,480
Melvin pulled out his phone,
and started reading from
437
00:18:55,520 --> 00:18:57,920
the 52 unread messages.
438
00:18:57,960 --> 00:19:01,240
"I miss you already.
I can't stop thinking about you.
439
00:19:01,280 --> 00:19:04,080
"I saw a ginger cat today
and thought of you."
440
00:19:04,120 --> 00:19:06,360
Heart emoji...!
441
00:19:06,400 --> 00:19:08,680
An orange heart.
Yeah, an orange heart, as well.
442
00:19:08,720 --> 00:19:12,360
"I wrote you 52 messages, Ed,
and you didn't reply.
443
00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:13,760
"Not once."
444
00:19:13,800 --> 00:19:15,640
Cold-hearted Sheeran.
445
00:19:15,680 --> 00:19:19,360
Melvin felt his anger still
pushing through his veins,
446
00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:23,880
but now he wasn't sure it should be
directed at Ed.
447
00:19:23,920 --> 00:19:26,480
Ed opened his phone,
and there they were,
448
00:19:26,520 --> 00:19:29,160
a barrage of messages,
all to Melvin,
449
00:19:29,200 --> 00:19:33,040
all unread, all unseen by Melvin
himself, until now.
450
00:19:35,160 --> 00:19:37,120
Something had gone terribly wrong.
451
00:19:37,160 --> 00:19:41,400
But in that moment, all their anger
was suddenly forgotten.
452
00:19:41,440 --> 00:19:42,920
Why hadn't you read them?
453
00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:45,640
I feel like they maybe don't have
each other's real, like,
454
00:19:45,680 --> 00:19:48,240
phone numbers or something. Oh...
455
00:19:48,280 --> 00:19:51,360
They rushed into each other like
horny gusts of wind.
456
00:19:51,400 --> 00:19:54,920
Mouth on mouth, they started pashing
with all the passion
457
00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:57,600
and anger of break-up sex,
458
00:19:57,640 --> 00:20:00,320
but with the tenderness of
make-up sex.
459
00:20:00,360 --> 00:20:02,000
A perfect combination.
460
00:20:02,040 --> 00:20:03,080
Wow.
461
00:20:03,120 --> 00:20:05,480
"Oh, Ed, I missed you."
462
00:20:05,520 --> 00:20:06,640
Phew!
463
00:20:06,680 --> 00:20:09,040
You're opening up your heart again
to him. What a fool.
464
00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:11,480
You're making yourself vulnerable.
Yep.
465
00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:15,720
Then, slowly, tenderly, he moved in
for a soft and succulent kiss.
466
00:20:15,760 --> 00:20:18,600
"I'm going to drive you crazy,
then stop,
467
00:20:18,640 --> 00:20:21,320
"then do it all over again."
468
00:20:21,360 --> 00:20:24,640
As the make-up mirror began
to steam...
469
00:20:27,480 --> 00:20:30,280
..the lovers fell to the floor,
470
00:20:30,320 --> 00:20:33,560
hip to hip, groin to groin,
471
00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:38,040
and rolled over the plush carpet
like frenzied bees
472
00:20:38,080 --> 00:20:40,000
seeking out their nectar.
473
00:20:40,040 --> 00:20:41,280
Bzzz!
474
00:20:41,320 --> 00:20:43,000
MELVIN LAUGHS
475
00:20:43,040 --> 00:20:44,840
That is a line!
476
00:20:44,880 --> 00:20:46,440
That smashes it.
477
00:20:46,480 --> 00:20:47,760
Uh, Melvin's member...
478
00:20:47,800 --> 00:20:49,120
Here we go.
479
00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:52,280
..began brushing against Ed's
throbbing instrument.
480
00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:56,920
And then he stared deeply
into his eyes,
481
00:20:56,960 --> 00:20:59,920
before hungrily turning him over
482
00:20:59,960 --> 00:21:01,960
and driving his MAN MEAT...
483
00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:03,280
..deep inside.
484
00:21:05,080 --> 00:21:06,640
That's one for the mums.
485
00:21:06,680 --> 00:21:09,040
Mums, if you're watching,
we apologise.
486
00:21:09,080 --> 00:21:10,600
Are you getting hot?
487
00:21:10,640 --> 00:21:12,280
I am getting slightly.
OK.
488
00:21:12,320 --> 00:21:14,400
This time, Ed spun Melvin around.
489
00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:16,960
He wanted Melvin to feel
everything he had,
490
00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:19,960
so he slid his instrument
into Melvin.
491
00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:22,880
That would hurt.
That really would.
492
00:21:22,920 --> 00:21:25,680
It was hot and frantic,
493
00:21:25,720 --> 00:21:28,120
and then slow and sensual.
494
00:21:30,080 --> 00:21:32,920
The ping of a guitar string
was timed perfectly
495
00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:35,560
as the two lovers reached F sharp.
496
00:21:35,600 --> 00:21:37,040
BOTH: A-a-a-a-h!
497
00:21:38,920 --> 00:21:41,200
That sounded like a bird.
That sounded like... Oh.
498
00:21:41,240 --> 00:21:42,800
Oh, is it more...ah!
499
00:21:42,840 --> 00:21:44,960
What is an F sharp?
It's high, isn't it?
500
00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:46,720
BOTH: A-a-a-a-h!
501
00:21:46,760 --> 00:21:49,760
The loved-up couple lay together,
bottoms up, on Melvin's
502
00:21:49,800 --> 00:21:52,360
dressing room floor in
post-coital harmony.
503
00:21:52,400 --> 00:21:54,240
After the old nooky nooks.
504
00:21:56,920 --> 00:21:58,840
And then, suddenly Melvin screamed.
505
00:21:58,880 --> 00:22:00,440
"Agh!"
506
00:22:00,480 --> 00:22:02,200
A scream of agony.
507
00:22:02,240 --> 00:22:03,960
He reached for his left buttock,
508
00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:05,760
and then felt a cold hard arrow...
509
00:22:05,800 --> 00:22:07,400
What?
510
00:22:07,440 --> 00:22:09,720
..that had flown from the bow
511
00:22:09,760 --> 00:22:13,200
held by the man now standing in
the doorway.
512
00:22:13,240 --> 00:22:14,760
Whoa.
513
00:22:14,800 --> 00:22:16,480
What is this about?
514
00:22:16,520 --> 00:22:19,040
Melvin looked up to face
his attacker.
515
00:22:19,080 --> 00:22:23,280
"You thief!" yelled fellow
radio DJ Roman Kemp.
516
00:22:23,320 --> 00:22:24,680
Wow.
517
00:22:24,720 --> 00:22:26,400
So, Roman's involved now.
518
00:22:26,440 --> 00:22:28,360
Roman's involved. OK.
519
00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:31,400
"But why?" Ed and Melvin said
in unison.
520
00:22:31,440 --> 00:22:35,880
Roman barked, "You, Melvin!
You took what I want!"
521
00:22:35,920 --> 00:22:37,040
Love rivals.
522
00:22:37,080 --> 00:22:38,400
He wants a bit of Ed, doesn't he?
523
00:22:38,440 --> 00:22:42,040
"But, but... my butt,"
Melvin croaked out.
524
00:22:43,160 --> 00:22:46,720
Roman growled angrily,
"Whilst you've been busy
525
00:22:46,760 --> 00:22:49,880
"as radio's most rampant love
machine, I've been grafting,
526
00:22:49,920 --> 00:22:53,680
"building a REAL career so that
I can land my dream job...
527
00:22:53,720 --> 00:22:55,320
"..this job!"
528
00:22:55,360 --> 00:22:56,400
MEL GASPS
529
00:22:56,440 --> 00:22:59,080
Ie, the Brits hosting.
Makes sense now.
530
00:22:59,120 --> 00:23:01,800
"I was promised the Brits
four months ago,
531
00:23:01,840 --> 00:23:03,640
"and then you hooked up,
532
00:23:03,680 --> 00:23:06,240
"and got him to bag the show
for you instead."
533
00:23:06,280 --> 00:23:07,840
Work jealousy.
534
00:23:07,880 --> 00:23:10,360
"So, I devised a really
magnificent plan.
535
00:23:10,400 --> 00:23:13,640
"As you sucked your face off on the
grass, I pick-pocketed both of
536
00:23:13,680 --> 00:23:16,920
"your phones before Ed left for
his tour, so I could replace
537
00:23:16,960 --> 00:23:20,240
"your real numbers with fake ones."
538
00:23:20,280 --> 00:23:21,760
This is pesky Kemp.
539
00:23:21,800 --> 00:23:23,520
So that's why the messages
weren't going through.
540
00:23:23,560 --> 00:23:24,600
Ah...
541
00:23:24,640 --> 00:23:27,200
I did say the wrong numbers,
or something, was going on.
542
00:23:27,240 --> 00:23:30,000
You did! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Miss Marple.
543
00:23:30,040 --> 00:23:33,640
"I thought if I could break you up
and make you hate each other,
544
00:23:33,680 --> 00:23:36,440
"Ed would make sure he never
had to see you again
545
00:23:36,480 --> 00:23:39,000
"and make the organisers drop you.
546
00:23:39,040 --> 00:23:40,880
"But here you are.
547
00:23:40,920 --> 00:23:43,680
"So plan B it is."
548
00:23:43,720 --> 00:23:45,360
"Twang!"
549
00:23:45,400 --> 00:23:48,880
An arrow moved across the room,
as if in slow motion,
550
00:23:48,920 --> 00:23:51,440
straight through Melvin's...
man meat?!
551
00:23:56,400 --> 00:23:57,840
An arrow?!
552
00:23:57,880 --> 00:23:59,400
Through my man meat?
Yes.
553
00:23:59,440 --> 00:24:00,880
Like kebabs? Yes.
554
00:24:00,920 --> 00:24:02,240
Doner? Yes.
555
00:24:02,280 --> 00:24:03,480
Pff...!
556
00:24:03,520 --> 00:24:05,640
Roman dashed from the room.
557
00:24:05,680 --> 00:24:09,040
And Ed helplessly tried to staunch
the bleeding.
558
00:24:13,160 --> 00:24:16,840
"Don't leave me, Ed," whimpered
a mortally wounded Melvin.
559
00:24:16,880 --> 00:24:18,000
Oh...
560
00:24:18,040 --> 00:24:19,840
This has gone dark real quick.
561
00:24:19,880 --> 00:24:23,720
"I won't go anywhere, my love,"
Ed replied tenderly.
562
00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:29,680
It... There's only, like,
half a paragraph to go.
563
00:24:29,720 --> 00:24:31,720
So, do... Am I OK?
Are you going to die?
564
00:24:31,760 --> 00:24:34,480
Please, no.
Melv, we can't have that.
565
00:24:34,520 --> 00:24:38,200
Meanwhile, the backstage team at
the award show were going crazy.
566
00:24:38,240 --> 00:24:42,080
It was go time, and neither
the host nor the opening act
567
00:24:42,120 --> 00:24:44,200
were anywhere to be seen.
568
00:24:46,080 --> 00:24:49,600
Roman sauntered up to the show
director.
569
00:24:49,640 --> 00:24:51,360
"Need a handsome host?"
570
00:24:54,520 --> 00:24:56,200
The end?!
571
00:24:59,120 --> 00:25:00,920
So, I'm done for.
572
00:25:00,960 --> 00:25:02,440
What a story. Melv...
573
00:25:02,480 --> 00:25:04,800
It had everything.
It did have everything.
574
00:25:04,840 --> 00:25:07,480
It had drama, action.
575
00:25:07,520 --> 00:25:09,240
Romance!
576
00:25:09,280 --> 00:25:10,680
Man meat.
577
00:25:10,720 --> 00:25:11,880
The pump.
578
00:25:11,920 --> 00:25:13,480
But the moral of the story is...
Yeah?
579
00:25:13,520 --> 00:25:15,080
..watch out for Roman Kemp.
580
00:25:15,120 --> 00:25:17,880
And don't fall in love with
Ed Sheeran. Exactly.
581
00:25:17,920 --> 00:25:20,160
And never let Gemma Collins
sit on your face.
582
00:25:21,720 --> 00:25:24,720
Subtitles by Red Bee Media
42444
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof