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1
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It smells like fear.
2
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I've invited six well-known faces...
3
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Ready?
4
00:00:27,600 --> 00:00:29,160
..to my very racy book club.
5
00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:30,480
Oh.
6
00:00:30,520 --> 00:00:32,120
It is getting spicy.
7
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Making me sweat.
8
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Amateur writers have worked
with us...
9
00:00:34,720 --> 00:00:36,560
I can't read this.
10
00:00:36,600 --> 00:00:37,600
Wow!
11
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I'm dressing up as a fireman?
12
00:00:38,760 --> 00:00:40,600
HE HOWLS
13
00:00:40,640 --> 00:00:42,840
..to create mind-blowing fantasies...
14
00:00:42,880 --> 00:00:44,840
Whoever wrote this is a G!
15
00:00:44,880 --> 00:00:45,880
..of love...
16
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Eurgh!
17
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Quite hot, isn't it?
18
00:00:48,000 --> 00:00:49,240
..passionate liaisons...
19
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I would never do that.
20
00:00:50,560 --> 00:00:52,680
NO!
21
00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:53,720
..and unbridled lust.
22
00:00:53,760 --> 00:00:55,520
Oh, no! There's a limit.
23
00:00:56,600 --> 00:00:59,040
We've used puppets,
so you don't have to use...
24
00:00:59,080 --> 00:01:00,960
Viva forever!
25
00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:02,320
..your imagination.
26
00:01:02,360 --> 00:01:03,840
Oh, my God!
27
00:01:03,880 --> 00:01:07,000
So join me for the rudest book club
in town.
28
00:01:07,040 --> 00:01:09,840
I just can't accept
what I'm reading.
29
00:01:09,880 --> 00:01:11,320
What a story!
30
00:01:11,360 --> 00:01:12,680
And that was just page one.
31
00:01:19,880 --> 00:01:22,440
Ah, Martin Kemp,
welcome to book club.
32
00:01:22,480 --> 00:01:25,880
Can I just say,
it is an absolute joy to see you?
33
00:01:25,920 --> 00:01:27,360
Oh, and you too.
34
00:01:27,400 --> 00:01:28,720
Er, what would you like to drink?
35
00:01:28,760 --> 00:01:30,720
Ooh, what have you got?
A gin and tonic, go on.
36
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I think I might follow suit.
Yeah.
37
00:01:33,320 --> 00:01:35,480
Ice? Yeah, a little bit. Yeah?
38
00:01:35,520 --> 00:01:38,640
If you can get it. Yeah.
MARTIN LAUGHS
39
00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:40,520
Thank you very much.
40
00:01:40,560 --> 00:01:43,560
This is a special book club,
with an entirely...
41
00:01:43,600 --> 00:01:45,320
MARTIN LAUGHS
42
00:01:46,800 --> 00:01:49,400
..fictional story about you.
43
00:01:49,440 --> 00:01:51,840
You can see my body language has all
gone like this, now...
44
00:01:51,880 --> 00:01:55,040
You moved...over this way.
MARTIN LAUGHS
45
00:01:55,080 --> 00:01:56,440
You're backing towards
the door, Kempo. Yeah.
46
00:01:56,480 --> 00:01:59,120
There we go. Now, listen,
47
00:01:59,160 --> 00:02:01,080
let's unwrap these together.
48
00:02:01,120 --> 00:02:03,480
I've not read this either,
we're in the same boat.
49
00:02:03,520 --> 00:02:05,200
Right, it looks quite thick.
50
00:02:07,800 --> 00:02:11,400
"Pure Kemptation,
starring Martin Kemp."
51
00:02:11,440 --> 00:02:13,360
That is a good start.
52
00:02:13,400 --> 00:02:14,800
I think I'm going to like you
with your glasses on.
53
00:02:14,840 --> 00:02:16,360
Oh, do you? A lot.
54
00:02:16,400 --> 00:02:18,560
Yes, you look good, Kempo.
55
00:02:18,600 --> 00:02:23,160
I should just say that some of the
story will be re-enacted.
56
00:02:23,200 --> 00:02:25,120
Not by... Not by us. Don't worry.
Yeah.
57
00:02:25,160 --> 00:02:26,880
There is a group of puppets.
58
00:02:26,920 --> 00:02:28,280
And they get up to it?
59
00:02:28,320 --> 00:02:31,600
And they get up to it, yeah.
60
00:02:31,640 --> 00:02:33,440
Oh, I've just seen the first sen-...
Off you go, Kempo.
61
00:02:33,480 --> 00:02:35,280
I've just seen the first sentence.
62
00:02:35,320 --> 00:02:36,680
" 'Oh, my, God!'
63
00:02:36,720 --> 00:02:39,360
"Martin Kemp's body shuddered
as he came...
64
00:02:41,320 --> 00:02:42,640
"..like a tube train."
65
00:02:42,680 --> 00:02:45,160
OK.
MARTIN LAUGHS
66
00:02:45,200 --> 00:02:46,800
How do we feel about the tube train?
67
00:02:46,840 --> 00:02:48,440
I know where they're going with
the tube train. Do you?
68
00:02:48,480 --> 00:02:51,800
Epping? Well, it's kind of like
sexual connotation, isn't it?
69
00:02:51,840 --> 00:02:53,520
Of course it is. I... No, I was...
The old choo-choo train.
70
00:02:53,560 --> 00:02:57,360
No, I was suddenly thinking of
the end of the Central Line...
71
00:02:57,400 --> 00:02:58,920
Oh, were you?
MARTIN LAUGHS
72
00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:00,760
..but now I see what you mean.
73
00:03:00,800 --> 00:03:03,760
"Martin Kemp's body shuddered as
he came,
74
00:03:03,800 --> 00:03:05,360
"like a tube train.
75
00:03:05,400 --> 00:03:08,160
"He pushed the bedcovers away as
sunlight streamed through
76
00:03:08,200 --> 00:03:10,880
"the windows of his stylish
Hertfordshire home.
77
00:03:12,120 --> 00:03:15,560
" 'Morning, sleepy,'
murmured a familiar voice.
78
00:03:15,600 --> 00:03:19,560
"He closed his hand over his
lover's solid, hairy thigh.
79
00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:22,000
Now... Hairy thigh? Who am I with?
80
00:03:22,040 --> 00:03:24,960
Now, your lovely wife Shirlie,
who you've been with for...
81
00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:26,440
Shirlie's not got hairy thighs.
82
00:03:26,480 --> 00:03:29,440
I just wanted to check. Onwards.
83
00:03:29,480 --> 00:03:32,640
" 'You're an old romantic,'
his lover drooled,
84
00:03:32,680 --> 00:03:35,400
"dropping a kiss on
Martin's forehead.
85
00:03:35,440 --> 00:03:39,120
"Martin stole a kiss himself.
'Didn't anyone tell you?
86
00:03:39,160 --> 00:03:40,480
" 'I'm a NEW ROMANTIC.' "
87
00:03:40,520 --> 00:03:42,520
MARTIN LAUGHS
88
00:03:42,560 --> 00:03:43,720
Come on.
89
00:03:43,760 --> 00:03:45,920
I'm an old-ish New Romantic.
90
00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:48,400
Er, OK.
91
00:03:48,440 --> 00:03:51,480
"They both tumbled back into
the bedsheets, giggling.
92
00:03:53,240 --> 00:03:55,120
"And soon the two
of them were tangling,
93
00:03:55,160 --> 00:03:56,880
"like two playful pups...
94
00:03:58,480 --> 00:04:01,720
"..nibbling and biting on each
other's solid nipples."
95
00:04:01,760 --> 00:04:03,320
MARTIN LAUGHS
96
00:04:03,360 --> 00:04:05,080
That is quite hot, isn't it?
97
00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:07,560
It is getting hot in here, isn't it?
Yeah.
98
00:04:07,600 --> 00:04:11,600
" 'You,' his lover said,
'are insatiable.'
99
00:04:11,640 --> 00:04:13,120
" 'And you,' Martin said,
100
00:04:13,160 --> 00:04:15,880
"putting a hand on
the back on his lover's head,
101
00:04:15,920 --> 00:04:18,720
" 'are the only thing that fills
me up.' "
102
00:04:18,760 --> 00:04:21,920
And that's just page one.
103
00:04:21,960 --> 00:04:24,560
Kempo, please carry on.
104
00:04:24,600 --> 00:04:25,960
"Then his lover stood,
105
00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:28,880
"and Martin smiled as he admired
106
00:04:28,920 --> 00:04:31,880
"the magnificently toned body of
the man himself."
107
00:04:31,920 --> 00:04:33,720
MARTIN LAUGHS
108
00:04:37,240 --> 00:04:38,680
I'm shagging Ross Kemp!
109
00:04:40,120 --> 00:04:41,400
MARTIN LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY
110
00:04:41,440 --> 00:04:44,400
MUSIC: Romeo and Juliet Overture
by Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky
111
00:04:55,840 --> 00:04:59,640
Oh, no, this is inc-...
It's practically incest.
112
00:04:59,680 --> 00:05:02,760
They called it Pure Kemptation...
Yeah.
113
00:05:02,800 --> 00:05:05,760
..and they've gone very Kemp-heavy,
haven't they?
114
00:05:05,800 --> 00:05:08,800
I'm shagging Ross Kemp.
I always knew I would one day.
115
00:05:08,840 --> 00:05:11,320
Did you? Yeah. He's the loveliest man
116
00:05:11,360 --> 00:05:14,880
and we worked together
only briefly on EastEnders.
117
00:05:14,920 --> 00:05:17,680
When I'd just left the show... Yeah.
118
00:05:17,720 --> 00:05:20,200
..I had a couple of quid
in my pocket by that time. Yes.
119
00:05:20,240 --> 00:05:23,840
And I went to the Porsche
garage, right. Yep.
120
00:05:23,880 --> 00:05:26,840
And I'm standing there looking at
this car that I'm going to buy
121
00:05:26,880 --> 00:05:30,280
and I bend over and my bum touches
someone else's bum
122
00:05:30,320 --> 00:05:32,520
and it's Ross Kemp buying
the car next to me.
123
00:05:32,560 --> 00:05:34,920
Oh, wow! Yeah, there you go.
124
00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:38,480
This is merely the sequel to
what happened in that... To that.
125
00:05:38,520 --> 00:05:42,200
..in that classic car garage.
126
00:05:42,240 --> 00:05:44,120
"His gloriously glossy..."
127
00:05:44,160 --> 00:05:46,480
MARTIN LAUGHS
128
00:05:48,080 --> 00:05:51,160
Glossy is excellent,
glossy is excellent.
129
00:05:51,200 --> 00:05:55,800
"His gloriously glossy head rising
like a full moon,
130
00:05:55,840 --> 00:05:58,560
"a cheeky glint in his eye
as he leapt forward
131
00:05:58,600 --> 00:06:02,360
"to caress Martin where he knew he
loved it.
132
00:06:02,400 --> 00:06:04,520
"Kemp on Kemp.
133
00:06:04,560 --> 00:06:08,280
"Everyone had thought they
were related, brothers perhaps,
134
00:06:08,320 --> 00:06:10,960
"but no, not brothers...
135
00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:14,120
"..lovers. Married lovers."
136
00:06:14,160 --> 00:06:18,560
All this time, you never knew.
Thank God it's a secret.
137
00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:20,440
I want to get into this.
What's going on?
138
00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:23,400
"Martin heard the tinkle
of teacups downstairs,
139
00:06:23,440 --> 00:06:25,200
"as Shirlie laid out the break-...."
140
00:06:25,240 --> 00:06:27,440
Shirlie as well?!
WHISPERING: Shirlie's involved.
141
00:06:27,480 --> 00:06:29,920
Oh, no. No!
142
00:06:29,960 --> 00:06:32,480
"Their polygamous marriage was
a happy one...
143
00:06:34,840 --> 00:06:37,680
"..but no-one could know,
not even their children."
144
00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:42,560
Thank God for that!
145
00:06:49,880 --> 00:06:51,680
# Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-doo. #
146
00:06:53,040 --> 00:06:55,440
"Martin rewound back in his memory.
147
00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:01,400
"They had been enemies in character
and in real life,
148
00:07:01,440 --> 00:07:04,680
"until that fateful day on set when
149
00:07:04,720 --> 00:07:07,480
"the director called action on
what would become
150
00:07:07,520 --> 00:07:10,120
"an iconic EastEnders encounter.
151
00:07:10,160 --> 00:07:13,320
" 'Oi,' Martin had said in his part
as Steve Owen.
152
00:07:13,360 --> 00:07:14,880
That was uncanny. That was Steve.
153
00:07:14,920 --> 00:07:16,720
It was. Did you hear that?
154
00:07:16,760 --> 00:07:20,080
Steve was right there in
the chair. "Oi!"
155
00:07:20,120 --> 00:07:21,760
MARTIN LAUGHS
156
00:07:21,800 --> 00:07:23,000
MEL CHUCKLES
157
00:07:23,040 --> 00:07:24,040
" 'Oi.'
158
00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:26,840
" 'What d'you want?'
159
00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:29,680
" 'A word,' said Martin,
in character.
160
00:07:29,720 --> 00:07:32,520
"Inside, Martin looked at
the gruff man looking at him
161
00:07:32,560 --> 00:07:37,040
"and started to wonder why his loin
twitched and his stomach twerked."
162
00:07:37,080 --> 00:07:39,200
"Stomach twerked," I love that.
163
00:07:39,240 --> 00:07:41,960
D'you... Do you remember when you
were a kid and
164
00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:44,200
the first time that you're
getting together with
165
00:07:44,240 --> 00:07:45,240
a girl or something,
166
00:07:45,280 --> 00:07:48,240
all it took was a hand that stroked
across your stomach
167
00:07:48,280 --> 00:07:50,120
and your stomach would twerk.
168
00:07:50,160 --> 00:07:53,680
Yeah, yeah. Nowadays, you're going
like, "Just get on with it."
169
00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:56,480
Come on. We still get stomach twerks.
Here we go.
170
00:07:56,520 --> 00:08:00,240
" 'You and me, we got some
unfinished business,' said Martin,
171
00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:04,200
"still in character. Ross turned.
172
00:08:04,240 --> 00:08:07,400
HIGH-PITCHED: " 'Oh, yeah,
so we have.' "
173
00:08:07,440 --> 00:08:09,560
Well, he did have
a slightly high voice.
174
00:08:09,600 --> 00:08:11,240
That's better.
175
00:08:11,280 --> 00:08:13,120
He... D'you know...
D'you know something?
176
00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:15,120
He didn't have a high voice
in EastEnders.
177
00:08:15,160 --> 00:08:16,960
Well, it is... It did go quite high.
Did it?
178
00:08:17,000 --> 00:08:19,120
Yeah, he puts it on when he does
the gang thing,
179
00:08:19,160 --> 00:08:21,840
he's kind of like, "Yeah, what,
so, what, you're in trouble.
180
00:08:21,880 --> 00:08:24,560
"You're going to fight this gang
over here, are ya?"
181
00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:27,760
And then as soon as he finishes,
HIGH-PITCHED: "Are we done then?"
182
00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:29,080
MEL LAUGHS
183
00:08:29,120 --> 00:08:30,240
Yes, I suppose cos Grant...
184
00:08:30,280 --> 00:08:31,400
LOW-PITCHED: Grant was very much...
185
00:08:31,440 --> 00:08:33,640
LOW-PITCHED: Yeah, Grant was down
here. Down there.
186
00:08:33,680 --> 00:08:36,160
"Then Ross stepped up to Martin,
187
00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:38,200
"an attraction spun between them...
188
00:08:39,920 --> 00:08:42,760
"..before Grant landed his punch
on Steve.
189
00:08:45,320 --> 00:08:47,480
"From that moment on, for Martin,
190
00:08:47,520 --> 00:08:50,720
"wanting Ross became
the sanest kind of madness."
191
00:08:50,760 --> 00:08:51,840
Oh!
192
00:08:51,880 --> 00:08:54,720
" 'Meet me at the Queen Vic when
everyone's gone.'
193
00:08:57,840 --> 00:09:01,640
"In the pub, Martin waited,
pensively.
194
00:09:02,920 --> 00:09:06,320
"He speared a Hula Hoop in a bowl
with his middle finger
195
00:09:06,360 --> 00:09:08,480
"and crunched it to beefy dust."
196
00:09:09,880 --> 00:09:12,400
MARTIN LAUGHS
197
00:09:12,440 --> 00:09:13,600
Love that!
198
00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:14,960
It's brilliant.
199
00:09:15,000 --> 00:09:16,320
"Then behind him,
200
00:09:16,360 --> 00:09:18,680
"he heard a familiar clearing
of your throat..."
201
00:09:18,720 --> 00:09:20,000
GRANT CLEARS HIS THROAT
202
00:09:20,040 --> 00:09:21,280
ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS
203
00:09:21,320 --> 00:09:24,280
"..and Martin turned to see him
standing there.
204
00:09:24,320 --> 00:09:25,560
"All of him.
205
00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:28,400
"Martin swallowed hard."
206
00:09:28,440 --> 00:09:29,640
MARTIN SWALLOWS
207
00:09:29,680 --> 00:09:31,400
MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY
208
00:09:32,880 --> 00:09:36,000
That's putting a rotten picture in
my head at the moment.
209
00:09:36,040 --> 00:09:38,520
There are already many, many
pictures,
210
00:09:38,560 --> 00:09:41,520
Kempy, that are just gonna stay
with me for the rest of my life.
211
00:09:41,560 --> 00:09:44,720
So let's... Let's breeze on.
Let's breeze on.
212
00:09:44,760 --> 00:09:50,080
LAUGHING: "Martin swallowed hard,
and there it was,
213
00:09:50,120 --> 00:09:51,680
"a lump in his throat,
214
00:09:51,720 --> 00:09:54,760
"and a lump in his trousers.
215
00:09:54,800 --> 00:09:58,960
"Ross rolled up his sleeves
to reveal his thick forearms."
216
00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:01,600
He does have thick forearms, doesn't
he? He does, yeah, they're solid.
217
00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:04,240
"So he stepped
into Martin's personal space.
218
00:10:04,280 --> 00:10:06,280
"Before Ross could say a word,
219
00:10:06,320 --> 00:10:09,480
"Martin pressed a slender thumb
against his lips."
220
00:10:09,520 --> 00:10:11,560
And look -
your thumb is literally there.
221
00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:13,280
Yes, because I can feel it now.
222
00:10:13,320 --> 00:10:15,360
As if you're in it. Yeah.
You are totally in it.
223
00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:17,400
I can feel it, my head's in there.
224
00:10:17,440 --> 00:10:21,000
HIGH-PITCHED: " 'I know
why I'm here, and I feel it too,'
225
00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:24,240
"Ross said, pulling him in
for a deep kiss."
226
00:10:30,840 --> 00:10:36,560
" 'Hoooooowwwwl!' howled Ross,
unbuttoning Martin's shirt.
227
00:10:36,600 --> 00:10:38,040
" 'Every time I see you,
228
00:10:38,080 --> 00:10:40,720
" 'I'm hungry like the wolf.'
Ross winked."
229
00:10:40,760 --> 00:10:42,560
But hang on...
That's not my song!
230
00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:45,040
Exactly - that's Duran Duran.
Yeah, that's Duran Duran.
231
00:10:45,080 --> 00:10:46,760
What the heck is he talking about?
232
00:10:48,440 --> 00:10:52,080
"A lopsided smile from Ross
made Martin's stomach flip
233
00:10:52,120 --> 00:10:54,880
"and his balls tighten."
LEATHER CREAKS
234
00:10:57,680 --> 00:11:00,080
Just telling it like it is
in that bit,
235
00:11:00,120 --> 00:11:01,800
nothing sort of, you know...
236
00:11:01,840 --> 00:11:04,560
I thought they got baggier. Oh.
237
00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:07,120
Don't they get baggier
when you get hotter?
238
00:11:07,160 --> 00:11:09,320
I wouldn't... Kempy, you're...
Is it up or down?
239
00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:12,040
You're asking me, Kempy,
like I...like I know.
240
00:11:12,080 --> 00:11:13,160
Er...
241
00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:15,120
"Ross's hand touched Martin's.
242
00:11:15,160 --> 00:11:18,960
" 'This is all so tangible
and right,' murmured Martin,
243
00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:22,200
"watching the shiny head bob up
and down in agreement."
244
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:26,960
OK, so we've moved on a little bit.
Yeah. We've moved on.
245
00:11:27,000 --> 00:11:29,560
Yeah, the old relationship's
going fast here, isn't it?
246
00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:30,920
Yeah, yeah.
247
00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:34,880
"Martin pushed Ross' lips apart,
deepening his kiss.
248
00:11:34,920 --> 00:11:36,800
"Hands on Ross's back,
249
00:11:36,840 --> 00:11:40,720
Martin pulled him closer
before tugging off Ross's shirt.
250
00:11:40,760 --> 00:11:44,600
"One hand made its way
to Ross's broad, muscular chest
251
00:11:44,640 --> 00:11:50,800
"and the other went down,
squeezing Ross's thickening bulge."
252
00:11:50,840 --> 00:11:52,200
Oh, goodness!
253
00:11:52,240 --> 00:11:53,360
Which is not his forearm.
254
00:11:53,400 --> 00:11:55,320
I'm never going to be able
to look him in the eye again!
255
00:11:55,360 --> 00:11:56,640
You really won't be.
256
00:11:56,680 --> 00:11:59,680
Do you think he'll enjoy this,
Kempo, this story?
257
00:11:59,720 --> 00:12:01,720
I think he might enjoy it.
Yeah, yeah.
258
00:12:01,760 --> 00:12:04,200
I hope the EastEnders producers
realise that this is fiction,
259
00:12:04,240 --> 00:12:05,240
I just want to say.
260
00:12:05,280 --> 00:12:08,000
They-they will, won't they?
I hope so. Yeah.
261
00:12:08,040 --> 00:12:11,440
"With one hand anchored on his waist
of Martin's trousers,
262
00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:13,480
"Ross held his gaze."
263
00:12:13,520 --> 00:12:14,960
HIGH-PITCHED: " 'May I?'
264
00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:16,600
" 'You may.' "
265
00:12:16,640 --> 00:12:18,120
HE CHUCKLES
266
00:12:18,160 --> 00:12:20,800
"Martin and Ross were filling
their bodies and souls
267
00:12:20,840 --> 00:12:24,200
"with this new-found passion
that cascaded out.
268
00:12:25,680 --> 00:12:29,920
"Neither of these two alpha males
had ever felt anything like it.
269
00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:32,160
"Forget Spandau Ballet -
270
00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:33,880
"it was Sexy Ballet."
271
00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:35,160
Oh, that's good.
272
00:12:39,560 --> 00:12:43,240
" 'This is Gold, Martin,'
growled Ross.
273
00:12:43,280 --> 00:12:46,520
" 'Oi! Cheeky,' muttered Martin,
274
00:12:46,560 --> 00:12:49,280
"greedily finishing
the rest of his Hula Hoops
275
00:12:49,320 --> 00:12:51,680
"from Ross's firm, ready flesh."
276
00:12:51,720 --> 00:12:53,560
CRUNCHING
277
00:12:53,600 --> 00:12:56,160
Yes, remember they turned into
beefy dust... Yeah, beefy dust.
278
00:12:56,200 --> 00:12:59,000
..and now they seem
to be on Ross's body.
279
00:12:59,040 --> 00:13:01,680
"Author's note. Flashback ends."
280
00:13:01,720 --> 00:13:03,960
HARP TRILL, AIR RUSHES
281
00:13:06,320 --> 00:13:11,520
Right. Oh! I mean, Kempy,
that was...that was a ride.
282
00:13:11,560 --> 00:13:13,920
I'm exhausted from it.
That... I know, me too.
283
00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:15,840
I'm exhausted.
But somehow I want more.
284
00:13:15,880 --> 00:13:18,080
We need a G&T break.
That is all too much.
285
00:13:18,120 --> 00:13:19,680
Oh, oh, goodness. Oh...
286
00:13:19,720 --> 00:13:21,440
Cheers.Cheers.
GLASSES CLINK
287
00:13:21,480 --> 00:13:24,240
Oh, my goodness. Making me sweat.
288
00:13:25,560 --> 00:13:27,000
TYPES ON KEYBOARD
289
00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:33,320
" 'How about that cockney cucumber
meets my East End?'
290
00:13:33,360 --> 00:13:35,280
" 'Dad? Uncle Ross?!' "
291
00:13:48,440 --> 00:13:51,520
You and Ross Kemp -
heavily involved.
292
00:13:51,560 --> 00:13:54,000
I don't want you
to end up with Ross.
293
00:13:54,040 --> 00:13:55,960
No, no, I can't see
there's a future in it.
294
00:13:56,000 --> 00:13:57,040
I don't think so.
295
00:13:57,080 --> 00:13:58,840
No, he'd be off filming
all the time, wouldn't he?
296
00:13:58,880 --> 00:14:01,440
Yes! You'd never see him.
Doing and his Gangs and...
297
00:14:01,480 --> 00:14:03,720
And you'd have to look
after all his black T-shirts
298
00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:05,480
and... Yeah. ..he'd get needy.
299
00:14:05,520 --> 00:14:08,680
Right. Time to get going again.
300
00:14:08,720 --> 00:14:12,840
"It was day two of the bi-annual
soap convention alumni reunion...
301
00:14:14,760 --> 00:14:17,080
"..where all of
the old East End soap gang
302
00:14:17,120 --> 00:14:19,120
"would meet up on replica sets,
303
00:14:19,160 --> 00:14:23,000
"and re-enact classic scenes from
the show's star-studded history."
304
00:14:23,040 --> 00:14:24,200
Wow.
305
00:14:24,240 --> 00:14:26,320
"To make the day even more special,
306
00:14:26,360 --> 00:14:29,640
"Martin's son, Roman Kemp,
the radio DJ,
307
00:14:29,680 --> 00:14:32,280
"was covering it
for his radio show."
308
00:14:32,320 --> 00:14:34,440
Oh, no,
don't bring Roman into this.
309
00:14:34,480 --> 00:14:36,960
I-I'm sure he won't be.
310
00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:39,240
I'm sure he won't be.
311
00:14:39,280 --> 00:14:41,240
Oh, no.
312
00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:45,200
"Ross Kemp skidded up next to them
in his main ride,
313
00:14:45,240 --> 00:14:47,760
"a tank he'd bought off eBay.
314
00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:55,400
" 'Hello, Martin,' said Ross
in his gruff voice,
315
00:14:55,440 --> 00:14:58,600
"as if they hadn't been canoodling
just hours before.
316
00:14:58,640 --> 00:15:02,720
" 'Hello, Ross,' said Martin,
suppressing a blush.
317
00:15:02,760 --> 00:15:06,080
" 'Hey, Uncle Ross,'
chirped in the younger Kemp."
318
00:15:06,120 --> 00:15:08,760
Would your son, Roman Kemp,
ever call him Uncle Ross?
319
00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:10,080
No. No. No.
320
00:15:10,120 --> 00:15:11,920
Or any of your friends,
Uncle this? Would he have...?
321
00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:13,080
Oh, no, not at all.
322
00:15:13,120 --> 00:15:15,120
Uncle Gary, yes,
because he is his uncle... No.
323
00:15:15,160 --> 00:15:16,720
..but not the others members
of Spandau Ballet.
324
00:15:16,760 --> 00:15:18,040
No, no, never.
325
00:15:18,080 --> 00:15:20,600
If George would come...
George Michael.
326
00:15:20,640 --> 00:15:22,400
He's his godfather, isn't he?
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
327
00:15:22,440 --> 00:15:25,560
..they would debate until
the early hours of the morning...
328
00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:28,640
Wow! ..and Roman was only
a little boy, you know,
329
00:15:28,680 --> 00:15:30,160
and he would put his point across
330
00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:32,640
and they would be shouting
at each other,
331
00:15:32,680 --> 00:15:34,800
and in the end it was like
they had to make up.
332
00:15:34,840 --> 00:15:37,280
But that's how we brought him up.
That's good.
333
00:15:37,320 --> 00:15:40,400
OK. Next page. Right. Over the page.
334
00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:42,360
"Kemp and Kemp were up next.
335
00:15:43,480 --> 00:15:47,440
"They had the legendary Angie
and Den encounter to bring to life.
336
00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:49,920
HIGH-PITCHED: " 'My problem
ain't the drink, Den,'
337
00:15:49,960 --> 00:15:53,760
"warbled Martin in his oddly
convincing Anita Dobson turn.
338
00:15:53,800 --> 00:15:55,440
" 'Shut it, you slag!' "
339
00:15:55,480 --> 00:15:57,400
That wasn't to you,
I never said that to you.
340
00:15:57,440 --> 00:16:00,760
I mean, Kempy... I never said that
to you. I'm-I'm reading this.
341
00:16:00,800 --> 00:16:02,440
I thought we were getting on well.
Yeah!
342
00:16:02,480 --> 00:16:03,560
THEY LAUGH
343
00:16:03,600 --> 00:16:06,880
" 'Shut it, you slag!'
snarled Ross.
344
00:16:06,920 --> 00:16:09,440
"If only their select audience
knew the truth."
345
00:16:09,480 --> 00:16:12,000
APPLAUSE
"This was electric stuff,
346
00:16:12,040 --> 00:16:14,160
"and although
their lips were moving,
347
00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:16,240
"it was their eager eyes
that said it all."
348
00:16:16,280 --> 00:16:17,880
Wow!
349
00:16:17,920 --> 00:16:22,200
" 'I want you,' was what
Martin's glance was saying,
350
00:16:22,240 --> 00:16:24,640
and Ross's was saying
the same thing,
351
00:16:24,680 --> 00:16:26,560
"but in a gruffier voice."
352
00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:28,840
GRUFFLY: " 'I want you!'
353
00:16:28,880 --> 00:16:32,280
"They needed to be together -
together now.
354
00:16:32,320 --> 00:16:34,920
"But Roman - Roman was here!"
355
00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:36,840
THEY LAUGH
356
00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:44,840
"The re-enactments were over.
It was time for lunch.
357
00:16:44,880 --> 00:16:48,040
"Roman had gone on the hunt
for some beef Hula Hoops."
358
00:16:48,080 --> 00:16:49,560
"A taste ran in the family.
359
00:16:51,080 --> 00:16:54,080
"Martin fired Ross a look -
360
00:16:54,120 --> 00:16:56,840
"a look he immediately understood,
361
00:16:56,880 --> 00:16:59,640
"and those two men
slipped behind the bar unnoticed.
362
00:17:02,280 --> 00:17:04,120
"They kissed,
363
00:17:04,160 --> 00:17:06,840
"the passion and heat of
the day overcoming them both."
364
00:17:07,880 --> 00:17:10,360
This is brilliant.
365
00:17:11,600 --> 00:17:14,720
" 'How about that cockney cucumber
meets my East End?' "
366
00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:18,280
THEY LAUGH
367
00:17:21,200 --> 00:17:22,720
Brilliant!
368
00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:26,040
Brilliant.
369
00:17:26,080 --> 00:17:27,800
Oh...
370
00:17:27,840 --> 00:17:31,520
" 'How about that cockney cucumber
meets my East End?'
371
00:17:31,560 --> 00:17:34,680
"Somewhere behind them
was a startled crunch."
372
00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:36,000
CRUNCH
373
00:17:37,240 --> 00:17:43,640
" 'Dad? Uncle Ross?!' Roman said,
looking really very surprised
374
00:17:43,680 --> 00:17:46,240
"but still managing
to eat another crisp.
375
00:17:46,280 --> 00:17:50,160
" 'Cucumbers and ends?
What the hell is going on here?!' "
376
00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:53,440
Whaa! What's gonna happen?
377
00:17:53,480 --> 00:17:56,040
"Roman stood with his
grab-bag packet of crisps
378
00:17:56,080 --> 00:17:58,440
"in the middle
of the replica Queen Vic.
379
00:17:58,480 --> 00:18:04,600
"Martin froze.
'Son, please, let me explain.'
380
00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:07,360
"Roman wiped powdered Monster Munch
off his lips."
381
00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:08,640
That is so right!
382
00:18:08,680 --> 00:18:10,880
That's all he used to eat
when he was a kid. Was it?
383
00:18:10,920 --> 00:18:14,560
Yeah, Monster Munch. Pickled onion?
Pickled onion Monster Munch! Nice.
384
00:18:14,600 --> 00:18:16,960
That's all he used to eat. The
very best. The very best flavour.
385
00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:19,280
"His eyes locked on Ross.
386
00:18:19,320 --> 00:18:21,120
" 'What about Mum?'
387
00:18:21,160 --> 00:18:23,600
" 'I can explain,' crumbled Martin."
388
00:18:23,640 --> 00:18:26,600
TEARFULLY: " 'There's nothing you
can say to make this better, Dad,"
389
00:18:26,640 --> 00:18:30,120
"sobbed Roman.
'I was really proud of you today,
390
00:18:30,160 --> 00:18:33,480
" 'seeing you on the Square,
pretending to be Anita Dobson,
391
00:18:33,520 --> 00:18:36,320
" 'but now,
I can't even look you in the eye.' "
392
00:18:39,200 --> 00:18:42,480
Good emotion there, Kempy.
Thank you, I'm trying.
393
00:18:42,520 --> 00:18:44,720
I'm enjoying it. I'm enjoying it.
394
00:18:44,760 --> 00:18:47,520
"Ross stepped back,
395
00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:50,040
"stuffing his cucumber
back into his pants.
396
00:18:51,960 --> 00:18:53,880
LAUGHING: " 'Maybe..
397
00:18:53,920 --> 00:18:57,320
" 'Maybe I should leave you two
to talk, then.' "
398
00:18:57,360 --> 00:18:59,440
SHE SNORTS WITH LAUGHTER
399
00:18:59,480 --> 00:19:01,840
" 'How about...?' Roman said,
400
00:19:01,880 --> 00:19:05,400
"tears forming
at the corners of his eyes,
401
00:19:05,440 --> 00:19:08,440
" 'How about I leave
you two cheating bastards
402
00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:10,680
" 'to do whatever it is you do?!' "
403
00:19:10,720 --> 00:19:14,160
Ah! Roman.
404
00:19:14,200 --> 00:19:17,200
"Martin reached out for Roman,
to try and explain,
405
00:19:17,240 --> 00:19:18,560
"but Roman was gone."
406
00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:26,480
Doof, doof-doof,
doof-doof-doof-doof!
407
00:19:26,520 --> 00:19:28,440
I'm worried for Roman.
Yeah, me too.
408
00:19:28,480 --> 00:19:30,000
I'm worried for Roman.
What's he gonna say?
409
00:19:30,040 --> 00:19:32,440
I know, what's he gonna say?
Is it going to end happily? Surely.
410
00:19:32,480 --> 00:19:34,200
What's he gonna say
when he goes home
411
00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:36,120
and he finds out his mum knows?
412
00:19:36,160 --> 00:19:37,600
Let's read on.
413
00:19:37,640 --> 00:19:40,680
"Martin was torn.
He loved Ross, of course,
414
00:19:40,720 --> 00:19:44,160
"but-but forced
to choose between Kemp and Kemp,
415
00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:47,240
"Martin knew
there was only one option.
416
00:19:47,280 --> 00:19:50,560
"He couldn't lose Roman.
It wasn't worth it.
417
00:19:50,600 --> 00:19:52,480
"Martin turned to Ross.
418
00:19:52,520 --> 00:19:55,760
This could be the last time
they ever saw each other.
419
00:19:57,360 --> 00:20:02,640
Gathering a rock-hard - in every
sense - Ross up into his arms,
420
00:20:02,680 --> 00:20:06,560
Martin put his chin on
the top of his glossy head.
421
00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:11,400
" 'Whatever happens,
you'll always be my Silver Fux.' "
422
00:20:11,440 --> 00:20:13,720
"Silver Fux"?
That's what it says here.
423
00:20:13,760 --> 00:20:16,400
It says F-U-X. Yes, Silver Fux.
424
00:20:16,440 --> 00:20:18,560
Well how do you pronounce Fux?
425
00:20:18,600 --> 00:20:20,120
You just... F-U-X?
You just...you just did.
426
00:20:20,160 --> 00:20:22,080
It's right, innit?
Unless it was "fooks"?
427
00:20:22,120 --> 00:20:24,560
"Fooks"?! No.
428
00:20:24,600 --> 00:20:28,440
" 'One last time, then?
Where it all began, right here?'
429
00:20:28,480 --> 00:20:31,240
"Martin whispered sensually."
430
00:20:31,280 --> 00:20:33,480
That was very sensual, Kempy,
very good.
431
00:20:33,520 --> 00:20:36,760
" 'Drambuie in our glasses
and Gold on the jukebox?' "
432
00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:38,520
# Slowly being eaten away
433
00:20:38,560 --> 00:20:41,000
# Just another play for today
434
00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:45,280
# Oh, but I'm proud of you
but I'm proud of you... #
435
00:20:45,320 --> 00:20:46,840
"Dancing in the near-dark..."
436
00:20:46,880 --> 00:20:48,600
# Nothing left
to make me feel small... #
437
00:20:48,640 --> 00:20:50,400
"..Ross leaned forward,
438
00:20:50,440 --> 00:20:54,040
"his warm breath against
Martin's neck,
439
00:20:54,080 --> 00:20:55,720
"humming Gold's chorus."
440
00:20:57,080 --> 00:20:59,440
"Gold!"
441
00:20:59,480 --> 00:21:01,280
When I was opening the envelope,
I was...
442
00:21:01,320 --> 00:21:03,920
I was hoping, "There's gotta be
a Gold in there."
443
00:21:03,960 --> 00:21:06,080
But it's a funny thing
because, you know,
444
00:21:06,120 --> 00:21:10,160
as classic as those records are now,
like True and Gold and...
445
00:21:10,200 --> 00:21:13,280
They are so long ago,
like 40 years ago... Wow.
446
00:21:13,320 --> 00:21:15,440
..that it doesn't even feel
like me any more. It feels...
447
00:21:15,480 --> 00:21:18,120
Does it not? Feels like somebody
else. No, when I watch it on TV,
448
00:21:18,160 --> 00:21:20,720
I get the same out
of hearing those records as you do.
449
00:21:20,760 --> 00:21:22,160
Yeah, yeah.
Do you know what I mean? Yeah.
450
00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:24,480
I look at it
as if it's somebody else.
451
00:21:24,520 --> 00:21:25,840
Carry on.
452
00:21:25,880 --> 00:21:29,440
" 'Always believe in your soul,
baby.'
453
00:21:29,480 --> 00:21:31,120
" 'You know that, right?'
454
00:21:31,160 --> 00:21:33,200
"He swept away
all the empty glasses..."
455
00:21:33,240 --> 00:21:34,720
GLASSES CLATTER
456
00:21:34,760 --> 00:21:39,880
"..and shit from the bar counter -
beer mats cascading to the ground."
457
00:21:39,920 --> 00:21:41,720
THEY LAUGH
458
00:21:42,880 --> 00:21:45,600
"Martin wanted the powerful figure
of Ross Kemp
459
00:21:45,640 --> 00:21:48,240
"to make him sizzle like
a strip of bacon
460
00:21:48,280 --> 00:21:50,440
"on Ian Beale's griddle."
461
00:21:50,480 --> 00:21:52,160
HE GULPS HEAVILY
462
00:21:52,200 --> 00:21:57,440
"Soon, both men were grasping
at each other's pulsing members."
463
00:21:57,480 --> 00:22:00,840
Oh, no! No, come on,
there's a limit.
464
00:22:00,880 --> 00:22:03,280
I thought this was
gonna be romantic.
465
00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:06,760
I mean, you know,
it's reaching the end, so it...
466
00:22:06,800 --> 00:22:10,160
I suppose it's got to... It's gotta
climax, hasn't it? It's got to.
467
00:22:10,200 --> 00:22:15,400
"The world melted away
and every kiss had a raw intensity.
468
00:22:15,440 --> 00:22:18,240
"Breathing fast, heart rates faster.
469
00:22:18,280 --> 00:22:21,240
"Then Martin's slim legs
were in the air.
470
00:22:21,280 --> 00:22:24,760
"Ross casually slipped inside."
471
00:22:33,120 --> 00:22:35,120
I'm not telling Roman
when this is on.
472
00:22:37,440 --> 00:22:40,480
"Martin nibbled on Ross' nipples,
473
00:22:40,520 --> 00:22:42,960
"and giggled coquettishly.
474
00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:46,160
"Then he grabbed a bottle
and slathered him in Bailey's,
475
00:22:46,200 --> 00:22:48,160
"licking it off in a sexy display
476
00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:51,240
"before squeezing
Ross's plump buttocks...
477
00:22:52,880 --> 00:22:55,520
"..enjoying the amount of give
in each cheek.
478
00:22:57,000 --> 00:23:00,560
" 'Looks a bit like me and Steve
McFadden headbutting each other,'
479
00:23:00,600 --> 00:23:02,840
"he sniggered."
480
00:23:02,880 --> 00:23:05,720
"Peanuts and pork scratchings
flew in every direction
481
00:23:05,760 --> 00:23:08,600
"as they celebrated
their forbidden love,
482
00:23:08,640 --> 00:23:10,720
"knowing it was the last time.
483
00:23:10,760 --> 00:23:15,240
"Quicker, faster, further, more,
until...
484
00:23:16,800 --> 00:23:19,480
.." 'Hooooooooowl!' cried Martin,
485
00:23:19,520 --> 00:23:22,440
"as their simultaneous climax
was hotter than...
486
00:23:22,480 --> 00:23:25,520
"than when Phil Mitchell
famously torched the pub."
487
00:23:28,680 --> 00:23:29,960
Party ring, Martin?
488
00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:33,840
They look like sugar-coated
Ross Kemp bum holes, don't they?
489
00:23:33,880 --> 00:23:35,520
They do.!
490
00:23:35,560 --> 00:23:37,080
Kempy, I ate one
about five minutes ago.
491
00:23:37,120 --> 00:23:39,040
They do look like that, though.
492
00:23:39,080 --> 00:23:41,160
Pass one over. Oh, hello.
493
00:23:42,400 --> 00:23:44,160
Look...
494
00:23:44,200 --> 00:23:47,360
..that could well be
Ross Kemp's bottom.
495
00:23:56,240 --> 00:23:57,760
"They were so engrossed,
496
00:23:57,800 --> 00:24:00,160
"neither noticed
as a figure entered the bar."
497
00:24:00,200 --> 00:24:02,320
MEL GASPS
Who will it be?
498
00:24:02,360 --> 00:24:06,600
" 'Is this really it?' Ross said,
swallowing hard.
499
00:24:06,640 --> 00:24:12,480
" 'Real love is never painful
unless it's the pain of parting.
500
00:24:12,520 --> 00:24:15,720
" 'I feel like
my soul's shattering.
501
00:24:15,760 --> 00:24:18,000
" 'I love you.'
502
00:24:18,040 --> 00:24:21,120
" 'Give my love to Shirlie
and tell her I miss her too.
503
00:24:21,160 --> 00:24:23,960
" 'But right now,
you need to go home
504
00:24:24,000 --> 00:24:26,680
" 'and be with your family.
505
00:24:26,720 --> 00:24:28,560
" 'Roman needs you.'
506
00:24:28,600 --> 00:24:30,280
"Then a shadowy figure stepped out
507
00:24:30,320 --> 00:24:33,000
"from behind
the pub's iconic royal bust.
508
00:24:34,240 --> 00:24:37,160
" 'Roman...'
the shadowy figure said.
509
00:24:37,200 --> 00:24:39,480
" 'Roman's going to be all right.'
510
00:24:39,520 --> 00:24:42,000
" 'Son!' gabbled Martin.
511
00:24:42,040 --> 00:24:44,200
" 'We were just saying goodbye,
I promise.
512
00:24:44,240 --> 00:24:48,120
" 'It-it was ov... It's over.
I'm sorry.'
513
00:24:48,160 --> 00:24:50,760
" 'No, I'm sorry,' said Roman.
514
00:24:50,800 --> 00:24:52,960
" 'I didn't know that Mum knew.
515
00:24:53,000 --> 00:24:57,280
" 'I didn't know you
and Uncle Ross...loved each other.'
516
00:24:58,480 --> 00:24:59,880
"He paused.
517
00:25:02,680 --> 00:25:05,440
" 'If I'd have known,
I would have supported you,
518
00:25:05,480 --> 00:25:06,960
" 'and you and Uncle Ross,
519
00:25:07,000 --> 00:25:10,320
" 'you always taught me
not to...not to lie.
520
00:25:10,360 --> 00:25:12,240
" 'You recorded a song called True,
521
00:25:12,280 --> 00:25:15,960
" 'and that's all I'm asking you
to be with me, all right?
522
00:25:16,000 --> 00:25:17,800
" 'Is that OK?'
523
00:25:17,840 --> 00:25:21,200
Martin placed his hands
on Roman's shoulders.
524
00:25:21,240 --> 00:25:23,360
" 'Then, in that case, boy,
525
00:25:23,400 --> 00:25:26,200
" 'there's something else
I have to tell you.'
526
00:25:26,240 --> 00:25:29,120
Martin drew himself
to his full height.
527
00:25:29,160 --> 00:25:30,960
" 'Roman...
528
00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:32,400
" '..I'm not your father.' "
529
00:25:34,400 --> 00:25:37,880
"Ross put his hand
on Roman's other shoulder.
530
00:25:37,920 --> 00:25:40,120
" 'I am.' "
531
00:25:40,160 --> 00:25:42,920
Doof, doof-doof,
doof-doof-doof-doof! Ah!
532
00:25:42,960 --> 00:25:47,280
Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant.
That is so good.
533
00:25:47,320 --> 00:25:49,320
We should have done that
on EastEnders.
534
00:25:49,360 --> 00:25:54,040
And you did it so well. I was there.
I'm exhausted. I was on the journey.
535
00:25:54,080 --> 00:25:56,240
I was in that hug with the forearms.
536
00:25:56,280 --> 00:25:59,440
Thank you so much, Kempo.
Not at all, my pleasure.
537
00:25:59,480 --> 00:26:02,000
It was a joy to be in Book Club
with you. So much fun.
538
00:26:02,040 --> 00:26:05,640
And remember there's only
one rule of Book Club.
539
00:26:05,680 --> 00:26:08,000
I don't know what it is -
I haven't made it up yet.
540
00:26:29,960 --> 00:26:32,960
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