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This programme contains strong
language and adult humour
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It smells like fear.
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I've invited six well-known faces...
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Ready?
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..to my very racy book club.
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Ah-ohhh...!
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It is getting spicy.
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Making me sweat.
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Amateur writers have worked
with us...
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I can't read this! Wow.
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I'm dressing up as a fireman?
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HE HOWLS
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..to create mind-blowing
fantasies...
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Whoever wrote this is a G!
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..of love...
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Ugh! Quite hot, isn't it?
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..passionate liaisons...
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I would never do that.
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Nooooo!
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..and unbridled lust.
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Oh, no! There's a limit!
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We've used puppets,
so you don't have to use...
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Viva for ever!
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..your imagination.
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Oh, my God!
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So join me for the rudest
book club in town.
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I just can't accept what
I'm reading.
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What a story!
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And that was just page one.
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Sam Thompson, welcome to book club.
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The thing about this book club, Sam,
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is it's a story all about you that
we're going to be reading.
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Oh, that's terrifying.
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Being invited is always so lovely.
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Doesn't always happen for me,
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so being invited to any sort of club
feels really good.
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FAO Sam Thompson, that's for you.
Oh, my God, I'm about to receive...
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This feels like I'm about
to receive an assignment. Oh!
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Right, shall we open them together?
Oh, what do you think?
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It smells like fear.
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I need to say one thing
that I haven't told you. OK?
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Some of what you read today will be
re-enacted...
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..by puppets. Shut up. Yeah.
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Let's crack in. OK, all right.
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Here we go.
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Oh, my God, this is jokes.
OK, cool, right. Come on.
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Oh, great.
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"Sam Thompson off
Made in Chelsea was in
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"his million-pound mansion
in Chelsea.
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"The place had everything.
It screamed luxury
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"and a dash of cool,
just like its owner.
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"It was #lifegoals.
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"This summer's day was as hot as his
favourite hot Madras curry,
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"so Sam was half naked.
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"The bottom half."
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So, penis out, basically.
Pretty much, mate.
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" 'Nice', he said to himself
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"and there was no getting away
from it,
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"he was very hot and totes adorbs."
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MEL LAUGHS
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Totes adorbs.
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Have the writers captured
you here, Sam?
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I really do believe they
have, yeah. I do.
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"He slipped his white T off,
but today,
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"even the sight of his
glistening, oiled and sweaty torso
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"couldn't make him smile."
HE CACKLES
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Sounds about right, to be fair.
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"Every day is the same -
the exhausting workload
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"of two hours' filming followed by
crates of champagne
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"and buckets of caviar.
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"When will I ever be free to be me?"
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I don't even like caviar
or champagne.
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Do you not like champagne?
No, it gives me the worst headache.
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Oh, it's hangovery, isn't it?
And I get really drunk.
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Yeah, but that's the fun,
though, isn't it?
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"He flexed his muscles.
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" 'Shake it off Sam', he told
himself before..."
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God, I'm really going
for this, aren't I? I love it.
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I'm emoting like you
wouldn't believe. No, I love it.
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I love the volume, Sam.
Yeah. "Shake it off, Sam!"
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"Shake it off Sam!" "He told
himself, before speaking
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"his daily mantra -
I'm a bloody lion, raaaawr!
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"His roar was interrupted by
a knock-knock at his door.
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" 'Special delivery!',
grinned the lady postman,
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"saucily handing him
a brown-wrapped parcel."
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We have a lady postman, she's fit!
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She would be fit, because she's
doing presumably a lot of rounds.
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Yeah. But, like, facially as well,
she's a good-looking lady.
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00:04:02,360 --> 00:04:06,000
Yeah. I love our postie as well,
we've got a fantastic postie.
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00:04:06,040 --> 00:04:08,160
Man? Yeah. Ever thought about it?
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Actually, no.
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"He ripped open the parcel
and inside was a note,
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"and he recognised the
scrawled swirl of letters,
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"unmistakably from his leader,
the King of Chelsea, Jamie Laing.
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" 'Dear Samuel, please come and lead
your Made In Chelsea chums in
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" 'a charity topless fencing match.
Oh!
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" 'Polish your sword, young chap,
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" 'we need to thrash these oiks on
the other team.
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" 'Dress code - sexy.' "
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Yeah, yeah, I like that.
That's actually a very Jamie letter.
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Is it? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Is it, is it?
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He loves a dress code, yeah.
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"Sam saluted his leader.
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" 'OMG, this is going to be
the best day ever,' he exclaimed,
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00:04:48,280 --> 00:04:50,640
"with classic Sam Thompson
levels of excitement.
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00:04:50,680 --> 00:04:54,240
"Sam's mind leapt
to his tousle-haired bro,
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"Pete Wicks off TOWIE!" Yes, Pete!
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"Aka The Essex Pirate, certain
he'd want a ringside seat."
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So, you and Pete, you go back...?
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Four years now. Aw. Yeah.
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00:05:05,640 --> 00:05:07,240
Who do you prefer, him or Jamie?
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Pete.
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Pete, Pete Wicks.
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Pete Wicks. The most beautiful...
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Well...he's missing a tooth.
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If he's standing there with
a beard and greasy, long hair
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and he's laughing and you can see
a tooth missing, you go...
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Jack Sparrow?
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You go, oh, you do look a bit old.
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Like, he's 34 going on 55...
Not 55, no, no.
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No, he's going on 34 going on like,
78 million.
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And a half.
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Right, now, come along now. Oh,
sorry, I forgot we were on a script.
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OK. Right.
"Since the day the pair met,
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"their relationship
has been intense." Clearly.
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"They were from opposite sides of
the tracks but
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"had become inseparable."
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That's so true. Like a leech, mate,
I won't let him go. Aw!
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00:05:51,800 --> 00:05:54,800
" 'Pete is the gritty chalk
to my posh cheese.'
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00:05:54,840 --> 00:05:57,640
"He fired off an
excitable voice-note.
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00:05:57,680 --> 00:06:01,000
" 'Buddy, I need you to watch me
pork some losers.
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00:06:01,040 --> 00:06:04,200
" 'It's going to be hilarious.
WhatsApp me back.' "
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00:06:04,240 --> 00:06:08,240
"It was read immediately,
but oddly, there was no reply.
134
00:06:08,280 --> 00:06:13,240
"Sam's smooth forehead puckered into
an adorable, puppyish frown.
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Aw!
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I'm really good at that.
That's good.
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Yeah, yeah, I do it all the time.
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Oh!
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Adorable!
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"He hopped on his electric scooter,
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"nipples standing stiffly
in the breeze,
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"and zipped sexily off
down the King's Road."
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MOCK POSH ACCENT: Down the Kung's
Raid? Down the Kung's Raid.
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Kung's Raid!
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Oh, mate, we're just going down
the Kung's Raid!
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Let's go down to Worlds End.
We're just going...
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Which is funny, cos when you speak
you like that, you sometimes
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look like a goat that's trying
to chow down some grass.
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"Sam arrived at Wembley Arena.
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00:06:51,600 --> 00:06:54,840
"Fencing had always been Sam's game
but he was older now,
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"nearly 30, practically ancient.
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" 'What if I've lost my touch?',
he whispered to hims...
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WHISPERS: "What if I've lost
my touch?"
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Nice, lovely drama.
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"Sam strolled into the changing
room, with a gasp."
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Gasp! Ah!
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00:07:09,920 --> 00:07:12,320
"There, standing in a
cloud of steam,
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"in all its rugged glory,
was his best friend, Pete Wicks.
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00:07:23,120 --> 00:07:25,880
"Bare-chested in tight,
white fencing breeches,
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"polishing a gleaming
four-foot weapon.
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00:07:33,280 --> 00:07:35,640
"Without explanation,
Sam could suddenly hear
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00:07:35,680 --> 00:07:39,520
"Gary Wright's Dream Weaver as,
in slow motion,
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"Pete whipped his long,
luxurious locks..."
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# Ooh, dream weaver...
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# I believe you can get me
through the night... #
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"..slowly tying it in a loose bun."
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00:07:58,360 --> 00:08:00,600
Oh, I love it when he puts it in
a bun as well.
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00:08:00,640 --> 00:08:02,960
Oh, he can get away with it.
He can get away with.
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00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:05,240
Mate, he looks really good when
it's in a bun. Yeah.
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00:08:05,280 --> 00:08:07,920
He looks really good when it's...
I love this story.
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00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:11,120
" 'So that's why you didn't answer
my message, you're playing too!',
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00:08:11,160 --> 00:08:13,240
"Sam exclaimed excitedly.
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00:08:13,280 --> 00:08:14,400
" 'Course I am.' "
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GRUFF VOICE: " 'Course I am,'
growled Pete."
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There he is.
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00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:20,040
"Sam laughed."
HE CHUCKLES
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00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:23,920
" 'This is brilliant, Chelsea and
Essex on the same side.'
178
00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:27,400
"The adrenaline of
the competition was stirring things,
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00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:30,280
"things so hot that Sam hadn't
felt them since,
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00:08:30,320 --> 00:08:34,840
"as a young boy, he'd curled up each
night with a photo of Nanny."
181
00:08:34,880 --> 00:08:38,080
I did used to fancy the,
ah, the...
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00:08:40,240 --> 00:08:41,560
Say the word.
183
00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:43,240
"Mmm, nanny."
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00:08:43,280 --> 00:08:45,520
Nanny. Nanny. Nanny.
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00:08:45,560 --> 00:08:47,040
But you didn't call her
Nanny though?
186
00:08:47,080 --> 00:08:49,640
Come on, times have changed.
Did you call her Nanny?
187
00:08:49,680 --> 00:08:52,560
Sam, tell me you didn't call
her Nanny. Did you call her Nanny?
188
00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:53,640
You did.
189
00:08:53,680 --> 00:08:56,200
Did she have a name, Sam?
Did you know what her name was?
190
00:08:56,240 --> 00:08:58,840
Nanny Karen. Nanny Karen.
191
00:08:58,880 --> 00:09:01,800
You've gone quite quiet, talking
about her. Yeah, I have, haven't I?
192
00:09:01,840 --> 00:09:04,080
Now I'm really loud, to compensate.
193
00:09:04,120 --> 00:09:07,400
Yeah, what? Me? Quiet? No.
194
00:09:07,440 --> 00:09:09,160
"Pete and Sam locked eyes.
195
00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:12,120
"The world around them
momentarily stopped.
196
00:09:12,160 --> 00:09:13,800
"It was just the two of them.
197
00:09:13,840 --> 00:09:16,880
"Two hearts, two souls.
198
00:09:16,920 --> 00:09:19,440
"But suddenly, Pete pushed him away.
199
00:09:19,480 --> 00:09:20,560
" 'Don't you get it?!' "
200
00:09:20,600 --> 00:09:21,680
Sorry.
201
00:09:21,720 --> 00:09:23,800
GRUFF VOICE: "'Don't you get it?',
he snarled."
202
00:09:23,840 --> 00:09:26,320
This is good. " 'Me and you are
rivals, not partners.' "
203
00:09:26,360 --> 00:09:27,480
This is good.
204
00:09:27,520 --> 00:09:31,920
" 'This match is Made in Chelsea
versus The Only Way is Essex.'
205
00:09:31,960 --> 00:09:33,720
"Sam gulped." Ulp.
206
00:09:33,760 --> 00:09:36,440
"Could it be true?
It did make sense,
207
00:09:36,480 --> 00:09:39,560
"their respective clans weren't very
happy about their friendship,
208
00:09:39,600 --> 00:09:41,960
"but now they were turning
into enemies."
209
00:09:42,000 --> 00:09:43,240
Oof.
210
00:09:43,280 --> 00:09:46,440
" 'B-but we're bros,' Sam stammered.
211
00:09:46,480 --> 00:09:50,720
" 'The tattoo of me on your hip,
it means something, doesn't it?' "
212
00:09:50,760 --> 00:09:53,560
Pete has a tattoo of me on his hip,
if you didn't know that.
213
00:09:53,600 --> 00:09:56,880
Yeah, really. And I've got Pete
there. Of course you do.
214
00:09:56,920 --> 00:09:59,360
And that actually looks like Pete,
to be fair,
215
00:09:59,400 --> 00:10:00,720
he's got his little trilby hat on.
216
00:10:00,760 --> 00:10:05,080
And I look like Michael McIntyre
on his hip. Right!
217
00:10:05,120 --> 00:10:06,680
OK. And the beauty of it is,
218
00:10:06,720 --> 00:10:09,440
my eyes just protrude over
the boxer line.
219
00:10:09,480 --> 00:10:11,960
And so, like, I can see everything.
220
00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:15,360
Oh, my God, you're there.
At all times.
221
00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:17,920
" 'I'm sorry,' he whispered,
shaking his head,
222
00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:20,120
" 'But we can't be friends any more.
223
00:10:20,160 --> 00:10:23,720
" 'Your mate Jamie's right,
Essex and Chelsea are enemies.
224
00:10:23,760 --> 00:10:27,560
" 'The M25 might as well be an
ocean. It's just the way it is.' "
225
00:10:27,600 --> 00:10:30,640
I love that!
The M25 might as well be an ocean.
226
00:10:30,680 --> 00:10:32,960
" 'Yeah, of course,'
Sam replied distractedly,
227
00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:36,960
"trying and failing to ignore the
warmth radiating off Pete's body.
228
00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:39,080
" 'I can't believe we have to fight.
229
00:10:39,120 --> 00:10:41,960
" 'If I'm going to lose to anyone,
I'd rather lose to you.' "
230
00:10:42,000 --> 00:10:44,080
Aw, sweet.
It's true actually, I would.
231
00:10:44,120 --> 00:10:45,760
"Pete blushed.
232
00:10:45,800 --> 00:10:48,720
" 'I mean it,' Sam gasped,
'you're amazing.'
233
00:10:48,760 --> 00:10:50,400
" 'All right, Sam, shut up, already,
234
00:10:50,440 --> 00:10:52,640
" 'you're embarrassing me,
you numpty.'
235
00:10:52,680 --> 00:10:55,200
"They began laughing and swatting
their arms at each other,
236
00:10:55,240 --> 00:10:57,920
"like frolicking schoolgirls.
237
00:10:57,960 --> 00:11:00,640
"Pete got the upper hand and
managed to get a hold
238
00:11:00,680 --> 00:11:01,720
"of both of Sam's wrists."
239
00:11:01,760 --> 00:11:03,000
Hello.
240
00:11:03,040 --> 00:11:07,280
" 'Let me go, you sexy pirate,'
Sam protested.
241
00:11:07,320 --> 00:11:09,200
" 'Looks like I win this time.'
242
00:11:09,240 --> 00:11:10,800
"Pete flashed
his pearly-white grin."
243
00:11:10,840 --> 00:11:13,080
Which does have a gap at the back
but we'll forget about that.
244
00:11:13,120 --> 00:11:14,560
It does, it has a bit of gum in it.
245
00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:18,920
"Sam stopped mock protesting and
stared intensely at Pete,
246
00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:20,720
"their faces only an inch apart."
247
00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:27,440
This is the best novel ever!
248
00:11:27,480 --> 00:11:30,280
This is great!
I have dreams about this shit.
249
00:11:30,320 --> 00:11:31,880
I love the way you're sitting
forward now, Sam.
250
00:11:31,920 --> 00:11:33,960
Yeah, I'm really into it.
You're immersed. I'm into the book.
251
00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:35,960
Let me carry on, please.
Yes, no, please do.
252
00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:38,640
If you wouldn't mind, cos I want to
know where we go. Come on.
253
00:11:38,680 --> 00:11:42,080
"Pete's lashes fluttered as he gave
Sam a strange look.
254
00:11:42,120 --> 00:11:44,360
"His grip on Sam's wrists loosened
255
00:11:44,400 --> 00:11:46,440
"but Sam didn't pull away.
256
00:11:46,480 --> 00:11:50,880
"He was too focused on Pete's moist,
ready lips to notice."
257
00:11:50,920 --> 00:11:52,680
HE SNORTS
258
00:11:52,720 --> 00:11:56,000
"Sam's mouth suddenly felt
incredibly dry
259
00:11:56,040 --> 00:11:58,720
"but if he swiped his tongue across
his own lips,
260
00:11:58,760 --> 00:12:01,040
"it would inevitably brush against
Pete's too."
261
00:12:01,080 --> 00:12:03,200
Have you got a very big tongue, Sam?
I don't know.
262
00:12:03,240 --> 00:12:05,800
You'd need quite a big tongue
for that to happen.
263
00:12:05,840 --> 00:12:07,600
I'm not sure. Ha!
264
00:12:07,640 --> 00:12:09,480
Come on, let's go on.
265
00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:13,760
"Ignoring the sound of his heartbeat
thudding in his ears,
266
00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:17,440
"Sam slowly cupped Pete's cheek
and pulled him closer,
267
00:12:17,480 --> 00:12:19,720
"kissing him lightly on
the yielding lips."
268
00:12:21,720 --> 00:12:24,760
I'm enjoying cupped
and also yielding.
269
00:12:24,800 --> 00:12:26,480
Oh, my God.
270
00:12:26,520 --> 00:12:28,240
Oh, wow.
271
00:12:28,280 --> 00:12:30,680
"He carefully gauged
Pete's reaction,
272
00:12:30,720 --> 00:12:33,320
"afraid he'd taken this
too far already.
273
00:12:33,360 --> 00:12:35,400
"But Pete didn't push him away.
274
00:12:35,440 --> 00:12:39,920
"Instead, he kissed Sam back with
an experimental peck on the lips.
275
00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:43,320
"The fluttering feeling in
Sam's chest intensified,
276
00:12:43,360 --> 00:12:45,240
"spreading rapidly south
277
00:12:45,280 --> 00:12:48,000
"and pooling in his..."
In his eager groin?
278
00:12:50,160 --> 00:12:53,600
Again, pooling, I'm enjoying.
279
00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:56,320
"They melted into each other,
hand to wrist,
280
00:12:56,360 --> 00:12:59,800
"mouth to mouth, body to soul,
Essex to Chelsea."
281
00:12:59,840 --> 00:13:01,200
Come on.
282
00:13:03,480 --> 00:13:06,240
"Suddenly, there was the sound
of voices approaching.
283
00:13:08,880 --> 00:13:12,640
"The King of Chelsea
and the Queen of Essex strode in.
284
00:13:14,200 --> 00:13:15,920
"Gemma Collins and Jamie Laing."
285
00:13:15,960 --> 00:13:17,600
Uh-oh.
286
00:13:17,640 --> 00:13:20,280
"Sam and Pete jumped apart from
each other.
287
00:13:20,320 --> 00:13:24,160
" 'What are you doing fraternising
with a common oik?', Jamie growled.
288
00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:28,200
" 'Like he said, hon,'
sneered Queen Gemma,
289
00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:31,800
"digging her talons
into Pete's balls like
290
00:13:31,840 --> 00:13:35,160
"the ruthless metal claws
of a Southend grabber machine."
291
00:13:37,840 --> 00:13:39,840
That is such a good image though,
isn't it?
292
00:13:39,880 --> 00:13:42,480
This is high-class literature, Sam!
293
00:13:42,520 --> 00:13:45,080
I'm sweating. Are you?
294
00:13:45,120 --> 00:13:47,400
And it's not the heat.
Are you all right?
295
00:13:47,440 --> 00:13:50,360
And just to reassure Pete,
by the way, this is all fictional.
296
00:13:50,400 --> 00:13:52,000
Well...
297
00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:53,240
..you know. Yeah?
298
00:13:53,280 --> 00:13:56,440
I'm going to say,
in my head, this is all very real.
299
00:13:57,560 --> 00:13:59,520
" 'This isn't Chessex, all right?
300
00:13:59,560 --> 00:14:02,760
" 'Essex and Chelsea don't mix.
End of.' "
301
00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:05,720
Good impression.
" 'But wait,' Sam said innocently,
302
00:14:05,760 --> 00:14:07,800
" 'if Chelsea and Essex don't mix,
303
00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:11,840
" 'why did you two just come out of
the same lost property cupboard?'
304
00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:14,040
" 'I was just looking for
a lost jockstrap.
305
00:14:14,080 --> 00:14:16,160
" 'Anyway, that's not the point -
306
00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:17,360
" 'you two have to choose
307
00:14:17,400 --> 00:14:19,720
" 'between your friendship
and your postcode.' "
308
00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:22,960
It's like Romeo and Juliet.
309
00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:24,240
It is, it really is. Isn't it?
310
00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:26,760
But with groin licking.
With groin licking.
311
00:14:26,800 --> 00:14:29,720
And moisture everywhere. Exactly.
312
00:14:29,760 --> 00:14:33,600
" 'You're right,' said Pete,
looking at Sam, guilty.
313
00:14:33,640 --> 00:14:35,040
" 'And I choose...
314
00:14:41,560 --> 00:14:42,560
" '..TOWIE.' "
315
00:14:47,360 --> 00:14:50,400
Pete chooses TOWIE?
Pete chooses TOWIE, mate. Oh, no.
316
00:14:50,440 --> 00:14:52,680
Why would he do that?
317
00:14:52,720 --> 00:14:57,440
"And with that, Gemma hooked a
melancholic Pete over her shoulder
318
00:14:57,480 --> 00:15:00,720
"and carried him out of the changing
room like a naughty schoolboy."
319
00:15:00,760 --> 00:15:03,440
That's a great image.
That's brilliant.
320
00:15:03,480 --> 00:15:07,320
"Pete lifted his head
and blew his hair out of his face,
321
00:15:07,360 --> 00:15:11,880
"giving Sam one last lingering look
and mouthed, 'I'm sorry.' "
322
00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:18,720
"Tears pricked in Sam's
puppy-dog eyes.
323
00:15:18,760 --> 00:15:22,560
" 'Pete...' he cried,
but the door slammed behind them.
324
00:15:22,600 --> 00:15:25,400
And just like that,
their friendship was over.
325
00:15:29,240 --> 00:15:31,960
I can't take this. Fuck me. Fuck me.
326
00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:34,400
Sam, I need...I need a break.
327
00:15:34,440 --> 00:15:35,600
I don't know about you,
328
00:15:35,640 --> 00:15:38,560
I can't bear the idea
of you two not being friends.
329
00:15:38,600 --> 00:15:41,520
Let's have some more gin and tonic
and process what has just occurred.
330
00:15:41,560 --> 00:15:43,200
OK. OK. It's got steamy.
331
00:15:43,240 --> 00:15:44,480
It has got steamy.
332
00:15:44,520 --> 00:15:46,720
We locked lips, we tonsil tennised.
I know.
333
00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:48,560
I know. My God.
334
00:15:48,600 --> 00:15:50,640
Ooh, let's see what happens.
335
00:15:55,600 --> 00:15:58,320
" 'How would you like to experience
the full length of my sword?'
336
00:15:58,360 --> 00:15:59,920
" 'Oh-oh-ohhh!'
337
00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:00,960
" 'Traitor!' "
338
00:16:12,800 --> 00:16:16,040
Chapter two. Right. Chapter two.
Part two, we should say.
339
00:16:16,080 --> 00:16:17,880
We are in a heavy scenario.
340
00:16:17,920 --> 00:16:21,160
We're in Wembley Arena,
it's a big fencing match.
341
00:16:21,200 --> 00:16:23,080
Helmet to helmet. Yeah. Right.
342
00:16:23,120 --> 00:16:25,960
"The cheers and jeers of
the crowd in Wembley Arena
343
00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:28,080
"rang through Sam Thompson's ears."
344
00:16:35,800 --> 00:16:37,640
"This was topless fencing,
345
00:16:37,680 --> 00:16:39,800
"and Sam's abs were on display
for all to see."
346
00:16:39,840 --> 00:16:41,520
Boom.
347
00:16:41,560 --> 00:16:45,240
"Sam looked up at his challenger
across the piste.
348
00:16:45,280 --> 00:16:48,480
"Pete Wicks, a stonking
hunk of love muscle."
349
00:16:48,520 --> 00:16:49,680
MEL SNORTS
350
00:16:49,720 --> 00:16:55,000
"Wrapped in a dark lion's mane
and finished with sapphire eyes.
351
00:16:55,040 --> 00:16:57,400
" 'You're a bloody lion too,
remember that.
352
00:16:57,440 --> 00:16:59,800
" 'A bloody lion!', Sam told
himself,
353
00:16:59,840 --> 00:17:02,440
"as he got himself into an
en-garde position.
354
00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:03,920
" 'Rawwwwr.' "
355
00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:06,600
That was a bad roar then. That was a
little bit high-pitched. Yeah.
356
00:17:06,640 --> 00:17:10,800
Rawwwwr! Much better.
Rawwwwr! Rrrrrah.
357
00:17:10,840 --> 00:17:12,560
"With a shout of 'Fence!',
358
00:17:12,600 --> 00:17:16,040
"the piste exploded in
a whirlwind of testosterone."
359
00:17:18,880 --> 00:17:22,440
" 'Those Chelsea chumps have never
worked a day in their lives,'
360
00:17:22,480 --> 00:17:24,320
"crowed Gemma to Pete.
361
00:17:24,360 --> 00:17:27,240
" 'Show no mercy, bro,'
cooed Jamie to Sam.
362
00:17:27,280 --> 00:17:29,360
"Pete lunged at Sam's groin
and scored.
363
00:17:31,040 --> 00:17:33,960
"Dammit, even the man's fencing
moves were charming."
364
00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:36,080
Sorry, I don't know what...
I don't know what my...
365
00:17:36,120 --> 00:17:38,400
No, it's good. I like the speed.
I love the speed.
366
00:17:38,440 --> 00:17:40,880
I feel like the energy is up now.
Yeah, it's good, man.
367
00:17:40,920 --> 00:17:43,200
"Sam saw an opening,
thrusting his sword arm forward
368
00:17:43,240 --> 00:17:45,960
"to strike Pete's gym-honed legs.
369
00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:48,080
"But he found nothing
but empty air." Wow.
370
00:17:48,120 --> 00:17:49,200
"Pete lunged."
371
00:17:52,120 --> 00:17:54,120
"Sam tried to fight back,
but he couldn't get
372
00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:56,720
"the thought of that perfect kiss
out of his head.
373
00:17:59,720 --> 00:18:01,800
" 'For God's sake!',
Sam whispered..." Oh.
374
00:18:01,840 --> 00:18:04,240
WHISPERS: " 'For God's sake,'
Sam whispered to himself.
375
00:18:04,280 --> 00:18:06,560
" 'You are fierce. You are
ferocious.
376
00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:09,360
" 'Get your head in the game.
Get a grip.' "
377
00:18:09,400 --> 00:18:12,480
I just spat on you,
I'm so sorry. No, I love that.
378
00:18:12,520 --> 00:18:14,400
That flew. I think you have
it on your cheek.
379
00:18:14,440 --> 00:18:15,840
Is it still there? Yeah.
380
00:18:15,880 --> 00:18:18,280
A bit higher. No, it's lovely,
it's moisturising.
381
00:18:18,320 --> 00:18:19,880
Is it still there? Lovely. Sorry.
382
00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:20,920
Fuck.
383
00:18:21,960 --> 00:18:24,040
Right. Back in the zone.
384
00:18:24,080 --> 00:18:26,480
" 'What are you doing,
you buffoon?', screamed Jamie.
385
00:18:26,520 --> 00:18:29,040
" 'Hit him!'
386
00:18:29,080 --> 00:18:30,360
"But Sam couldn't.
387
00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:33,680
"He doubled over as Pete's blade
nicked Sam's left testicle...
388
00:18:35,320 --> 00:18:37,800
"..to screams of glee from
his Essex henchmen."
389
00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:43,720
He's just dinging my left nut.
390
00:18:43,760 --> 00:18:44,840
Ha!
391
00:18:44,880 --> 00:18:47,760
"The match was over. Essex had won."
Whoa.
392
00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:49,720
Well, just give it a sec, though,
I might come back.
393
00:18:49,760 --> 00:18:51,920
All right, mate. Sorry.
Do I not come back? Sorry.
394
00:18:51,960 --> 00:18:53,000
Do I not come back?
395
00:18:53,040 --> 00:18:55,680
You might do. Don't look ahead,
don't look ahead. Read on.
396
00:18:55,720 --> 00:18:59,840
"Sam languished
topless on the floor, defeated,
397
00:18:59,880 --> 00:19:03,840
"his wounded ball throbbing in pain
like a shattered disco ball..."
398
00:19:03,880 --> 00:19:06,280
Noooooo!
399
00:19:06,320 --> 00:19:08,120
"..lying, looking at the ceiling.
400
00:19:08,160 --> 00:19:10,640
"Gemma Collins and her Essex army
chanted Pete's name
401
00:19:10,680 --> 00:19:11,800
"like he was a rock star."
402
00:19:11,840 --> 00:19:14,600
"Pete, Pete, Pete, Pete."
403
00:19:14,640 --> 00:19:17,800
"Sam supposed Pete was actually
a rock star now.
404
00:19:17,840 --> 00:19:19,640
"So what did that make Sam?"
405
00:19:19,680 --> 00:19:23,120
A lovely, lovely individual
with a gorgeous, full head of hair.
406
00:19:23,160 --> 00:19:27,000
But was he a chunk of love muscle,
you know?
407
00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:29,280
Let's find out. Let's find out.
408
00:19:29,320 --> 00:19:32,240
"In the showers, Sam didn't roar,
409
00:19:32,280 --> 00:19:36,640
"he wept,
the soap mingling with his tears,
410
00:19:36,680 --> 00:19:39,120
"making a bittersweet shampoo
of sadness."
411
00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:40,520
Fuck, that's a great...
412
00:19:40,560 --> 00:19:43,920
That whole sentence there is
brilliant. It's great.
413
00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:45,680
It's brilliant.
414
00:19:45,720 --> 00:19:49,000
" 'I didn't fight hard enough,
Jamie won't forgive me,
415
00:19:49,040 --> 00:19:50,400
" 'I'll never be able to show my
face
416
00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:52,960
" 'at Toff's naked butler
jamboree again.
417
00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:54,760
" 'I'm basically finished.' "
418
00:19:54,800 --> 00:19:55,960
Oh, Sam.
419
00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:58,880
"As soon as the words had left
his mouth, there was a manly grunt,
420
00:19:58,920 --> 00:20:00,680
"grrr, from behind him,
421
00:20:00,720 --> 00:20:03,880
"and a familiar meaty hand pulled
back the shower curtain."
422
00:20:03,920 --> 00:20:05,680
Not so...not so fond of meaty.
423
00:20:05,720 --> 00:20:09,400
Meaty hand, yeah, like,
a thick hand. A thick hand.
424
00:20:09,440 --> 00:20:11,800
It's got weight to it.
OK. So a trustworthy hand.
425
00:20:11,840 --> 00:20:16,320
A trustworthy but, like, can grab
a hold of things. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
426
00:20:16,360 --> 00:20:19,520
"He bit his lip and turned to see
Pete tightening
427
00:20:19,560 --> 00:20:20,960
"the towel around his waist.
428
00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:25,760
"Beneath the towel, his muscular,
dark-haired thigh was visibly ripe
429
00:20:25,800 --> 00:20:28,080
"and bulging as a hairy tree trunk.
430
00:20:28,120 --> 00:20:30,360
"Pete brushed a tear from
Sam's cheek.
431
00:20:30,400 --> 00:20:32,360
" 'Don't say that, mate,'
said Pete..."
432
00:20:32,400 --> 00:20:33,920
Oh, I snotted! I'm so sorry.
433
00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:36,080
I love that. That's great!
434
00:20:36,120 --> 00:20:37,440
I love that.
435
00:20:37,480 --> 00:20:39,920
" 'You were amazing out there.'
436
00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:41,440
"They locked eyes.
437
00:20:41,480 --> 00:20:44,720
" 'How's your ball?,' murmured Pete.
438
00:20:44,760 --> 00:20:50,200
" 'It's fine,' Sam said,
rubbing it and wincing.
439
00:20:50,240 --> 00:20:53,120
"Pete's towel came loose,
falling away,
440
00:20:53,160 --> 00:20:55,680
"first revealing one
gleaming buttock.
441
00:20:55,720 --> 00:20:57,040
"Then it collapsed between his legs,
442
00:20:57,080 --> 00:21:01,200
"settling around the sharp outline
of his virile man-sword.
443
00:21:01,240 --> 00:21:04,200
" 'Pete,' Sam whispered,
feeling his own man-sword sw..."
444
00:21:09,040 --> 00:21:11,080
The man-sword.
445
00:21:11,120 --> 00:21:13,880
"Feeling his own man-sword
swelling into action,
446
00:21:13,920 --> 00:21:16,760
"as a perfectly formed semi."
447
00:21:16,800 --> 00:21:18,120
I added that in!
448
00:21:19,160 --> 00:21:22,240
Yeah, you're playing fast
and loose with the writers.
449
00:21:22,280 --> 00:21:24,560
" 'You said we couldn't be friends,
450
00:21:24,600 --> 00:21:26,320
" 'had to remain on opposite teams.'
451
00:21:26,360 --> 00:21:30,080
" 'I don't think so,'
whispered Pete.
452
00:21:30,120 --> 00:21:32,480
" 'In fact, I think we've been
453
00:21:32,520 --> 00:21:35,400
" 'playing for the same
team all along.'
454
00:21:35,440 --> 00:21:38,360
" 'Yes, listen, Sam Thompson -
455
00:21:38,400 --> 00:21:40,880
" 'you're probably the most annoying
person in the world.
456
00:21:40,920 --> 00:21:44,680
" 'You're the worst fencer and one
of the weirdest guys I've ever met,
457
00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:48,120
" 'and I'm not going to lie,
sometimes I really don't like you,'
458
00:21:48,160 --> 00:21:50,240
"said Pete."
459
00:21:50,280 --> 00:21:52,920
" 'But despite all of that,
460
00:21:52,960 --> 00:21:55,080
" 'I love you.'
461
00:21:55,120 --> 00:21:56,200
"Before Sam could speak,
462
00:21:56,240 --> 00:21:59,280
"Pete pressed a finger to his lips
to silence him." I love that.
463
00:21:59,320 --> 00:22:01,960
"Sam closed his eyes
as Pete's other hand found
464
00:22:02,000 --> 00:22:05,880
"the back of his head and guided his
quivering lips towards his own.
465
00:22:05,920 --> 00:22:07,800
" 'Forget fighting over
our postcodes,
466
00:22:07,840 --> 00:22:11,160
" 'the only thing I want to fight
for is your hot body.' "
467
00:22:13,880 --> 00:22:16,720
" 'En garde,' Pete whispered..."
Oh.
468
00:22:16,760 --> 00:22:20,120
WHISPERS: " 'En garde,'
Pete whispered sexily.
469
00:22:20,160 --> 00:22:22,640
"Pete reached over..." Oh, fuck me,
it's getting intense now.
470
00:22:22,680 --> 00:22:24,600
Come on.
"Pete reached over Sam's shoulder
471
00:22:24,640 --> 00:22:28,400
"and the metallic shower dial
squeaked as he turned it on.
472
00:22:28,440 --> 00:22:31,560
"Sam couldn't help but shiver
and groan with satisfaction,
473
00:22:31,600 --> 00:22:35,240
" 'Uh, uh...', as the water..."
Oh, my God.
474
00:22:35,280 --> 00:22:37,400
Sam! "Uh-uh..."?
475
00:22:37,440 --> 00:22:39,120
HE LAUGHS
476
00:22:43,080 --> 00:22:47,440
"As the water struck his cool skin
like hot, wet kisses,
477
00:22:47,480 --> 00:22:51,400
"and Barry White's Just The Way You
Are began to inexplicably play.
478
00:22:51,440 --> 00:22:53,840
# Don't go changing... #
479
00:22:53,880 --> 00:22:55,800
" 'You OK?'
480
00:22:55,840 --> 00:22:57,920
"Sam nodded.
481
00:22:57,960 --> 00:23:00,240
"What started off as a slow,
tender kiss,
482
00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:03,200
"quickly grew more heated,
more desperate.
483
00:23:03,240 --> 00:23:05,560
"They were both gasping into this
kiss now,
484
00:23:05,600 --> 00:23:08,000
"exploring each other's mouths,
pressing their hot,
485
00:23:08,040 --> 00:23:09,640
"wet bodies against each other."
486
00:23:09,680 --> 00:23:13,520
# I'll take you just the
way you are... #
487
00:23:13,560 --> 00:23:17,200
"Their slick members brushed
against each other,
488
00:23:17,240 --> 00:23:21,160
"a surge of arousal coursing through
Sam's body at the sudden contact.
489
00:23:25,160 --> 00:23:30,080
"A delicious moan of pleasure
escaping from him. 'Uh, uh...'
490
00:23:30,120 --> 00:23:33,560
"Sam ran his hands over
the contours of Pete's body,
491
00:23:33,600 --> 00:23:37,440
"memorising every inch of his
perfect shape with his fingertips.
492
00:23:37,480 --> 00:23:39,800
" 'Uh, uh...
493
00:23:39,840 --> 00:23:41,760
" 'Uh...'
494
00:23:44,440 --> 00:23:48,080
"Emboldened by the shivery moans
Pete was making,
495
00:23:48,120 --> 00:23:52,640
"Sam feasted on Pete's manhood
like a hungry dog at a barbecue."
496
00:23:52,680 --> 00:23:53,920
Fuck me.
497
00:23:55,280 --> 00:23:56,720
Jesus Christ.
498
00:23:58,320 --> 00:24:01,200
I'm reaching for the peanuts.
Keep going, Sam. Oh, my God!
499
00:24:01,240 --> 00:24:04,200
"Pete let out a low groan
of pleasure at a sudden
500
00:24:04,240 --> 00:24:06,480
"but welcome intrusion.
501
00:24:06,520 --> 00:24:08,800
" 'Touche,' growled Pete..."
502
00:24:08,840 --> 00:24:10,000
Sorry.
503
00:24:10,040 --> 00:24:12,160
GRUFF VOICE: " 'Touche,'
growled Pete,
504
00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:15,120
"winking down at him,
his piratey wink.
505
00:24:15,160 --> 00:24:19,640
"Pete sucked a line of open-mouthed
kisses down Sam's trembling body,
506
00:24:19,680 --> 00:24:22,160
"relishing the gasps
and breathly moans,
507
00:24:22,200 --> 00:24:26,480
"and suckling the water from his
nipples like a thirsty piglet."
508
00:24:26,520 --> 00:24:29,280
Suckling.
A thirsty piglet!
509
00:24:29,320 --> 00:24:30,880
No!
510
00:24:30,920 --> 00:24:33,280
Noooooo!
511
00:24:33,320 --> 00:24:35,640
It's too good!
512
00:24:35,680 --> 00:24:37,520
Like a...
513
00:24:41,120 --> 00:24:42,920
" 'Ooh, ah...'
514
00:24:42,960 --> 00:24:46,000
" 'So,' said Pete,
515
00:24:46,040 --> 00:24:49,800
" 'How would you like to experience
the full length of my sword?'
516
00:24:49,840 --> 00:24:53,000
" 'Well, as long as
it's for charity,
517
00:24:53,040 --> 00:24:57,560
" 'I'd like to make a very generous
donation,' grinned Sam, coyly."
518
00:24:57,600 --> 00:25:00,200
Nice little bit of character stuff
there, I love that.
519
00:25:00,240 --> 00:25:02,720
"Pete effortless..." Oh, fuck me.
520
00:25:04,200 --> 00:25:07,280
I think that's what's about
to happen. Yep.
521
00:25:07,320 --> 00:25:08,560
"Pete effortlessly..."
522
00:25:11,240 --> 00:25:12,760
Come on.
523
00:25:12,800 --> 00:25:15,400
"Pete effortlessly slid into Sam,
524
00:25:15,440 --> 00:25:16,680
"sliding...!
525
00:25:16,720 --> 00:25:19,520
"Sliding around the shower floor.
526
00:25:19,560 --> 00:25:21,160
"First from behind..."
527
00:25:23,200 --> 00:25:24,200
Come on.
528
00:25:25,640 --> 00:25:27,760
"Pete effortlessly slid into Sam,
529
00:25:27,800 --> 00:25:32,000
"sliding around the shower floor,
first from behind,
530
00:25:32,040 --> 00:25:35,640
"before turning him over so
the lovers could rock face-to-face."
531
00:25:37,120 --> 00:25:38,840
There's a lot of sliding going on
there, isn't there?
532
00:25:38,880 --> 00:25:41,600
How is that even...?
Oh, my God, it's like that. Oh.
533
00:25:41,640 --> 00:25:43,240
"So they could rock face-to-face."
534
00:25:43,280 --> 00:25:45,440
Great. Great.
535
00:25:45,480 --> 00:25:48,200
"Their howls of passion
echoed around the changing rooms
536
00:25:48,240 --> 00:25:50,000
"as they thrashed about in
the shower
537
00:25:50,040 --> 00:25:51,520
"like two wrestling seahorses."
538
00:25:51,560 --> 00:25:52,680
Oh, I love a seahorse.
539
00:25:52,720 --> 00:25:55,440
" 'Oh, my God, Pete,'
said Sam, excitedly,
540
00:25:55,480 --> 00:25:57,800
" 'This feels amazing, amazing!
541
00:25:57,840 --> 00:25:59,600
" 'Wowza!'
542
00:25:59,640 --> 00:26:03,160
"Sam disembarked Pete, as the
intoxicated pirate engulfed
543
00:26:03,200 --> 00:26:05,240
"Sam's manhood fully into..."
544
00:26:08,920 --> 00:26:11,160
Are you struggling with
the word manhood, Sam, or...?
545
00:26:11,200 --> 00:26:14,360
No, it's the bit afterwards.
It's... OK, right.
546
00:26:14,400 --> 00:26:17,760
Yeah, OK, I see what you mean.
I can see that.
547
00:26:17,800 --> 00:26:19,400
Good luck.
548
00:26:19,440 --> 00:26:22,600
"Sam disembarked Pete, and as the
intoxicated pirate engulfed
549
00:26:22,640 --> 00:26:25,240
"Sam's manhood fully in his throat,
Sam cried,
550
00:26:25,280 --> 00:26:28,160
" 'Expelliarmus!' "
551
00:26:28,200 --> 00:26:30,960
Nice little Harry Potter
reference there.
552
00:26:31,000 --> 00:26:32,600
Oh, wow.
553
00:26:32,640 --> 00:26:35,080
"Suddenly, the shower curtain
was yanked aside by
554
00:26:35,120 --> 00:26:37,720
"their furious clan leaders,
Jamie and Gemma." Oh!
555
00:26:37,760 --> 00:26:40,480
" 'Traitor!', hissed Jamie.
556
00:26:40,520 --> 00:26:43,000
" 'It's bang out of order,'
agreed Gemma,
557
00:26:43,040 --> 00:26:47,400
"quickly taking a picture
and uploading it to her Insta.
558
00:26:47,440 --> 00:26:50,440
" 'Chessex won't have either
of you back after this!'
559
00:26:50,480 --> 00:26:52,400
" 'I don't care,' said Pete,
560
00:26:52,440 --> 00:26:54,680
"his penis slowly deflating
into a softie,
561
00:26:54,720 --> 00:26:57,240
"like a spent hot-air balloon."
562
00:26:57,280 --> 00:27:00,720
Ffffffftttt...
563
00:27:00,760 --> 00:27:02,600
" 'Anyway,' Sam barked.
564
00:27:02,640 --> 00:27:05,400
" 'if you're so against Essex
and Chelsea people shagging,
565
00:27:05,440 --> 00:27:07,800
" 'how come you're both standing
there naked from the waist down?' "
566
00:27:10,280 --> 00:27:11,320
Ah!
567
00:27:11,360 --> 00:27:13,760
" 'Damn it, schoolboy error,'
Jamie said to Gemma.
568
00:27:13,800 --> 00:27:17,080
" 'OK, fine, Gemma and I have been
making the sweetest music
569
00:27:17,120 --> 00:27:19,560
" 'you can imagine
together for months.' " Wow.
570
00:27:19,600 --> 00:27:23,400
" 'She's an animal and I love it.'
571
00:27:23,440 --> 00:27:25,680
" 'Grrrrr,' said Gemma to Jamie.
572
00:27:27,480 --> 00:27:31,480
" 'If you keep our secret,
we promise to keep yours,'
573
00:27:31,520 --> 00:27:36,440
"whispered Gemma. 'No, I don't want
to live a lie any more.
574
00:27:36,480 --> 00:27:38,560
" 'I've got a better idea, Sam.
575
00:27:38,600 --> 00:27:41,000
" 'Will you marry me?' "
576
00:27:41,040 --> 00:27:42,080
Aw!
577
00:27:42,120 --> 00:27:44,640
" 'I always told you I was waiting
for the right person,
578
00:27:44,680 --> 00:27:47,440
" 'and I realised the wanker's been
sitting right in front of me
579
00:27:47,480 --> 00:27:48,560
" 'all this time.'
580
00:27:49,840 --> 00:27:55,240
" 'Yes,' said Sam.
'I've never wanted anything more,
581
00:27:55,280 --> 00:27:58,640
" 'you big, sexy Essex pirate.'
582
00:28:01,240 --> 00:28:05,320
" 'Make that a double wedding,'
grinned Gemma, winking at Jamie.
583
00:28:09,240 --> 00:28:11,480
"And so the four of them
got married,
584
00:28:11,520 --> 00:28:13,960
"and the kingdoms of Essex
and Chelsea became
585
00:28:14,000 --> 00:28:15,680
"the United Kingdom of Chessex,
586
00:28:15,720 --> 00:28:19,360
"healing the feud between
the two clans forever.
587
00:28:19,400 --> 00:28:23,120
"Pete and Sam never had
to hide their love again.
588
00:28:23,160 --> 00:28:26,000
"Except from Zara,
but that is another story.
589
00:28:26,040 --> 00:28:27,360
"The end." Oh!
590
00:28:29,520 --> 00:28:31,200
What a story!
591
00:28:31,240 --> 00:28:33,720
I'm slightly moved by that,
at the end. What a story.
592
00:28:33,760 --> 00:28:37,200
The United Kingdom of Chessex.
593
00:28:37,240 --> 00:28:40,880
Isn't that beautiful?
I jizzed in Pete's mouth.
594
00:28:40,920 --> 00:28:42,720
Ha. You can have the novel.
595
00:28:42,760 --> 00:28:45,120
Can I? You can read it to your
heart's content. OK, great.
596
00:28:45,160 --> 00:28:46,760
I'm going read this to Pete.
597
00:28:46,800 --> 00:28:48,880
Maybe...maybe don't read it to Zara.
598
00:28:48,920 --> 00:28:50,720
Come on, Sam, put it there.
599
00:28:50,760 --> 00:28:53,040
So good to see you.
Thanks so much for having me.
600
00:28:53,080 --> 00:28:54,720
Now, you be safe out there.
OK, thank you.
601
00:28:54,760 --> 00:28:56,360
I know what it's like on
the Kung's Raid.
602
00:28:56,400 --> 00:28:58,320
I know, it's intense. Very.
603
00:28:58,360 --> 00:28:59,480
How do I go into normal life now?
604
00:28:59,520 --> 00:29:01,040
I don't... It's going to be
weird, matey.
605
00:29:01,080 --> 00:29:02,320
Oh! Oh, he slipped.
606
00:29:02,360 --> 00:29:03,360
Fucking hell.
607
00:29:12,800 --> 00:29:15,800
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