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1
00:01:26,800 --> 00:01:30,200
The scenes at the Eel Cafe
last night
2
00:01:30,280 --> 00:01:33,320
was like something
out of a Ken Russell film.
3
00:01:33,400 --> 00:01:35,360
It took the fire brigade an hour
4
00:01:35,440 --> 00:01:38,080
to free Derek's penis
from a tree hollow.
5
00:01:38,160 --> 00:01:41,560
Poor old John
is still in a trance,
6
00:01:41,640 --> 00:01:45,040
mumbling about witches
in the wood.
7
00:01:45,120 --> 00:01:48,160
Farmer Beelzebub has been
waiting in A&E for six hours
8
00:01:48,240 --> 00:01:52,400
with severely burnt testicles
after crawling into a pizza oven
9
00:01:52,480 --> 00:01:55,640
'cause he thought the sky
was falling on him!
10
00:01:55,720 --> 00:01:58,360
Agnes Watkins,
Theresa Watkins--
11
00:01:58,440 --> 00:01:59,600
call it what you like.
12
00:01:59,680 --> 00:02:01,520
Spiking, drugging.
13
00:02:01,600 --> 00:02:04,160
I call it witchcraft!
14
00:02:04,240 --> 00:02:06,320
It's no coincidence
that the spell was cast
15
00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:09,960
on the eve of the Watkins
sisters' annual witches supper!
16
00:02:11,760 --> 00:02:14,320
I dread to think what they took
from those poor men
17
00:02:14,400 --> 00:02:17,760
for their witches' brew
while they were half mad.
18
00:02:18,400 --> 00:02:19,480
Hair?
19
00:02:19,560 --> 00:02:21,560
Saliva?
20
00:02:22,600 --> 00:02:24,600
My apologies.
Semen?
21
00:02:27,040 --> 00:02:29,360
Those mushrooms
could have been fatal.
22
00:02:29,440 --> 00:02:31,720
Fatal!
23
00:02:31,800 --> 00:02:34,000
Those men could be dead now!
24
00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:39,040
The time for talking is over.
25
00:02:39,120 --> 00:02:41,640
What's needed now is action.
26
00:02:41,720 --> 00:02:44,200
And it's high time I took
the law into my own hands.
27
00:02:44,280 --> 00:02:48,320
And mark my words,
I will grasp that law firmly
28
00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:50,560
and milk it for everything
that it's got
29
00:02:50,640 --> 00:02:54,520
until I get the results I want!
30
00:02:56,640 --> 00:02:58,760
Back after this.
31
00:03:02,160 --> 00:03:04,160
Shut up.
32
00:03:04,240 --> 00:03:05,800
Idiot.
33
00:03:13,640 --> 00:03:15,520
Ryan found these unopen
in the cabinet.
34
00:03:15,600 --> 00:03:17,840
I don't need them.
I'm feeling fine.
35
00:03:18,840 --> 00:03:21,560
You don't look fine.
36
00:03:21,640 --> 00:03:24,600
It's none of your business, Joy.
Not any more.
37
00:03:26,600 --> 00:03:29,680
Come on, Jim.
It was never gonna work.
38
00:03:29,760 --> 00:03:31,280
We're too different.
39
00:03:31,360 --> 00:03:34,960
You say potato.
I say potato.
40
00:03:36,320 --> 00:03:39,480
The damage you women
leave behind.
41
00:03:39,560 --> 00:03:41,840
You can't keep blaming
the women in your life.
42
00:03:42,920 --> 00:03:45,440
You using me
like a piece of meat
43
00:03:45,520 --> 00:03:47,480
has nothing to do
with my mother leaving me
44
00:03:47,560 --> 00:03:49,680
at Leigh Delamere services.
45
00:03:52,520 --> 00:03:53,960
Please take them, Jim.
46
00:03:54,040 --> 00:03:56,880
Not until I've led our men
to victory.
47
00:04:01,600 --> 00:04:06,120
I think you crave chaos
as a deflection.
48
00:04:08,240 --> 00:04:10,120
Where'd you read that?
49
00:04:10,200 --> 00:04:12,200
Spiritual Guru Digest?
50
00:04:13,480 --> 00:04:15,960
Cod Psychology Monthly?
51
00:04:16,040 --> 00:04:17,560
No.
I've had enough of this, Joy.
52
00:04:17,640 --> 00:04:20,520
I need to get on.
53
00:04:20,600 --> 00:04:23,440
The time is 8:30.
54
00:04:23,520 --> 00:04:30,200
Today marks 200 days
before Pancake Day.
55
00:04:30,280 --> 00:04:33,200
So that's something
to look forward to.
56
00:04:33,280 --> 00:04:36,080
I am a lemon-and-sugar man.
57
00:04:36,160 --> 00:04:39,040
Hm. Here she comes.
Something urgent, she said.
58
00:04:42,480 --> 00:04:45,360
What's so important,
town mouse?
59
00:04:45,440 --> 00:04:50,160
Well, it's...
it's quite a big one, so...
60
00:04:50,240 --> 00:04:53,160
Ooh. Not pregnant, are you?
61
00:04:53,240 --> 00:04:56,600
Oh, no. I'm out the other side
of all that now, Tree.
62
00:04:56,680 --> 00:04:59,000
Done the dirty with an animal.
63
00:04:59,080 --> 00:05:00,280
No.
Course I haven't.
64
00:05:00,360 --> 00:05:02,640
- Was it a muntjac?
- A muntjac?
65
00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:05,080
- Not an eel, was it?
- I don't know what that is.
66
00:05:05,160 --> 00:05:06,640
You know what?
67
00:05:06,720 --> 00:05:08,800
It-- It doesn't matter.
It-- It was nothing.
68
00:05:08,880 --> 00:05:10,920
- Forget about it.
- Linda. Linda.
69
00:05:11,000 --> 00:05:12,440
No.
The moment's passed.
70
00:05:12,520 --> 00:05:13,960
- It absolutely hasn't, Linda.
- It has!
71
00:05:14,040 --> 00:05:15,680
No, it hasn't.
Stop being so bloody sensitive.
72
00:05:15,760 --> 00:05:17,360
Come here now.
Tell us.
73
00:05:17,440 --> 00:05:19,320
- Come on, Linda.
- You really want to know?
74
00:05:19,400 --> 00:05:21,880
- Yes.
- Yes, Linda, we do.
75
00:05:31,080 --> 00:05:33,480
So, I...
76
00:05:36,240 --> 00:05:38,280
I'm your half-sister.
77
00:05:51,520 --> 00:05:56,520
Uh, you gonna s-say something
or...
78
00:05:58,560 --> 00:06:01,000
But w-what do you want us
to say? I-I...
79
00:06:02,280 --> 00:06:05,760
I don't know.
Well, what did you say to Ryan?
80
00:06:05,840 --> 00:06:09,360
Nothing.
We just gave them a hug.
81
00:06:11,120 --> 00:06:13,120
Oh.
82
00:06:13,200 --> 00:06:16,280
Oh. Oh, no. Let's--
Let's do that later, Linda.
83
00:06:16,360 --> 00:06:18,920
Thanks.
I'm dead comfy now, so...
84
00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:21,000
Mm.
85
00:06:21,880 --> 00:06:23,880
No.
86
00:06:31,680 --> 00:06:33,680
I worked it out.
87
00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:37,200
In case you're interested,
which you're obviously not.
88
00:06:37,800 --> 00:06:40,360
And I now realise
that's why we kept coming here
89
00:06:40,440 --> 00:06:42,120
when I was little.
90
00:06:42,200 --> 00:06:44,760
Not because Mum wanted to spend
time with me and Siobhan,
91
00:06:44,840 --> 00:06:46,760
but because she wanted to see
your dad.
92
00:06:46,840 --> 00:06:48,840
Our dad.
93
00:06:50,480 --> 00:06:52,520
Right.
94
00:06:52,600 --> 00:06:58,080
Well, that is not how
I imagined that going at all...
95
00:06:58,160 --> 00:07:00,160
in any way.
96
00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:03,040
Not quite Danny Dyer
on "Who Do You Think You Are?"
97
00:07:03,120 --> 00:07:04,360
but there you go.
98
00:07:06,800 --> 00:07:09,040
Hello, Janet.
99
00:07:10,640 --> 00:07:12,480
Oh, I'm really sorry.
Yeah.
100
00:07:12,560 --> 00:07:15,200
No. I'm on my way.
I'll be there in 20 minutes.
101
00:07:33,240 --> 00:07:35,040
Panini?
102
00:07:35,120 --> 00:07:36,520
- Mm!
- Yeah.
103
00:07:36,600 --> 00:07:39,280
Put some little cheese balls
on the side.
104
00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:10,120
Hey. Leave the Eel Sisters
out of your witch hunt.
105
00:08:10,200 --> 00:08:12,920
They had nothing to do with
the spiking. It was my mistake.
106
00:08:13,000 --> 00:08:15,320
I didn't know my stinkhorn
from my hen-of-the-woods.
107
00:08:15,400 --> 00:08:17,600
Mm.
108
00:08:17,680 --> 00:08:19,800
I'm coming for you,
Linda Jenkins.
109
00:08:19,880 --> 00:08:21,240
Mm-hmm.
110
00:08:21,320 --> 00:08:23,240
So you'd best be ready,
'cause I'm coming.
111
00:08:23,320 --> 00:08:25,280
- Mm.
- Do you hear me?
112
00:08:25,360 --> 00:08:28,040
I'm coming.
113
00:08:28,120 --> 00:08:29,440
Ooh!
114
00:08:29,520 --> 00:08:32,320
You come yet?
It's 20 quid, please.
115
00:08:37,760 --> 00:08:40,120
Sorry I'm late, Janet.
Something came up.
116
00:08:40,200 --> 00:08:43,280
Lead by example, Linda.
That's the third time now.
117
00:08:43,360 --> 00:08:45,480
Sorry.
118
00:08:45,560 --> 00:08:48,320
Oh.
Off out?
119
00:08:49,680 --> 00:08:52,680
No. I always wear this
when I have a good idea.
120
00:08:54,320 --> 00:08:58,120
The spiking's thrown a bit of
a spanner in the negotiations.
121
00:08:58,200 --> 00:09:00,320
- Why?
- It's unnerved the men.
122
00:09:00,400 --> 00:09:01,600
But it was an accident.
123
00:09:01,680 --> 00:09:03,600
But the men don't see it
like that.
124
00:09:03,680 --> 00:09:05,240
They're saying the experience
125
00:09:05,320 --> 00:09:08,760
has left them feeling violated, humiliated.
126
00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:10,640
Eel-masculated.
127
00:09:10,720 --> 00:09:12,440
"Eel-masculated"?
128
00:09:12,520 --> 00:09:15,280
It's like emasculated,
but with eels.
129
00:09:15,920 --> 00:09:18,920
I've... I've, uh...
130
00:09:19,000 --> 00:09:20,840
- I've looked into it.
- Mm.
131
00:09:20,920 --> 00:09:22,360
And I think I might be able
132
00:09:22,440 --> 00:09:24,680
to move some money
around local budgets.
133
00:09:25,840 --> 00:09:28,880
Siphon it... from elsewhere.
134
00:09:29,640 --> 00:09:34,000
Get the women £85.63 a month.
135
00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:38,560
It's a bit iffy,
but what council isn't?
136
00:09:38,640 --> 00:09:41,280
Oh, well done, Janet.
137
00:09:44,560 --> 00:09:46,560
How about...
138
00:09:47,320 --> 00:09:49,000
...mandatory housework training?
139
00:09:49,080 --> 00:09:52,360
L-Like conscription,
but for chores, not wars.
140
00:09:53,320 --> 00:09:56,360
Pig Man could lead it.
He was born wiping, that man.
141
00:09:57,680 --> 00:09:59,720
We could think of a catchy name
for it.
142
00:10:03,480 --> 00:10:05,800
- Clean-scription.
- No.
143
00:10:05,880 --> 00:10:08,200
- Pan-scription.
- Absolutely not.
144
00:10:09,440 --> 00:10:12,200
- National cervix.
- Stop now, Janet.
145
00:11:18,360 --> 00:11:20,080
Agnes and Theresa:
Blessing be upon you,
146
00:11:20,160 --> 00:11:22,360
oh, wondrous spirits
of the dead.
147
00:11:22,440 --> 00:11:24,640
{\an8}We honour you
on this sacred night,
148
00:11:24,720 --> 00:11:28,360
{\an8}until you be refreshed
and born again in perfect love.
149
00:11:28,440 --> 00:11:30,080
{\an8}We bid you each a fond farewell.
150
00:11:30,160 --> 00:11:31,560
We bid you each a fond farewell.
151
00:11:31,640 --> 00:11:33,640
We bid you each a fond farewell.
152
00:11:58,600 --> 00:12:04,720
♪ I'll turn into a witch
tonight ♪
153
00:12:04,800 --> 00:12:09,640
♪ How did you happen
to find me, sir? ♪
154
00:12:09,720 --> 00:12:15,000
♪ Thought no one
could see me now ♪
155
00:12:15,080 --> 00:12:19,960
♪ I didn't put my clothes on ♪
156
00:12:33,800 --> 00:12:39,320
♪ The bubble that you left
then ♪
157
00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:44,400
♪ I think It's safer
than the cold ♪
158
00:12:44,480 --> 00:12:49,320
♪ Not too late to go home now ♪
159
00:12:49,400 --> 00:12:54,360
♪ I'll chew the pill for you ♪
160
00:13:08,280 --> 00:13:13,280
♪ And I'm flying away ♪
161
00:13:13,360 --> 00:13:21,120
♪ But I think I saw
some turbines ♪
162
00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:26,200
♪ Turning beneath me ♪
163
00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:32,760
♪ Don't waste your pearls
on me ♪
164
00:13:32,840 --> 00:13:36,600
♪ Don't waste your pearls
on me ♪
165
00:13:36,680 --> 00:13:40,160
♪ I'm only a pig ♪
166
00:13:40,240 --> 00:13:43,480
♪ I'm only a pig ♪
167
00:13:43,560 --> 00:13:47,160
♪ I'm only a pig ♪
168
00:13:47,240 --> 00:13:53,240
♪ I'm only a pig ♪
169
00:14:05,200 --> 00:14:06,920
All right, lads.
170
00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:08,920
Settle down. Settle.
171
00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:12,080
I'd like to say a few words
if I may.
172
00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:15,840
Tonight... we make history!
173
00:14:15,920 --> 00:14:17,600
- Yes!
- Yes!
174
00:14:17,680 --> 00:14:19,360
We take back control!
175
00:14:19,440 --> 00:14:20,480
- Yes!
- Yes!
176
00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:23,720
We make men great again!
177
00:14:23,800 --> 00:14:25,240
- Yes!
- Yes!
178
00:14:25,320 --> 00:14:29,520
♪ Ploughed the ground good
for you ♪
179
00:14:29,600 --> 00:14:34,480
♪ Could grow some plants
if you wanted to ♪
180
00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:56,160
Hold your nerve.
181
00:14:56,240 --> 00:14:58,240
Stand firm!
182
00:15:02,240 --> 00:15:04,240
Be not afraid.
183
00:15:06,520 --> 00:15:09,080
For victory... awaits!
184
00:15:09,160 --> 00:15:10,320
- Yes!
- Yes!
185
00:15:10,400 --> 00:15:12,440
Let's kill the bitches!
186
00:15:12,520 --> 00:15:15,720
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, Brian. No.
187
00:15:15,800 --> 00:15:17,760
That's not what we're doing
here.
188
00:15:17,840 --> 00:15:19,160
Hey?
189
00:15:19,240 --> 00:15:23,720
♪ Broke the zip
inside my stomach ♪
190
00:15:23,800 --> 00:15:28,160
♪ Blood dripping down
onto the broom ♪
191
00:15:28,240 --> 00:15:32,720
♪ Off the broom
and through the sky ♪
192
00:15:32,800 --> 00:15:38,200
♪ Mixed with your tears
seeped to the ground ♪
193
00:15:57,080 --> 00:15:58,800
Oh. Has everyone been
for a wee-wee?
194
00:15:58,880 --> 00:16:00,480
- Yes.
- Yes.
195
00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:02,480
'Cause I'm not gonna be stopping
ten times on the way.
196
00:16:02,560 --> 00:16:04,280
- Yeah, we know.
- All right? Okay.
197
00:16:04,360 --> 00:16:07,160
Right.
Grab your torches and placards.
198
00:16:07,240 --> 00:16:09,360
The women's revolt is over.
199
00:16:09,440 --> 00:16:13,640
Tonight's the night we show them
what revolting looks like!
200
00:16:13,720 --> 00:16:16,320
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
201
00:18:39,480 --> 00:18:43,240
♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na-na ♪
202
00:18:43,320 --> 00:18:47,120
♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na ♪
203
00:18:57,320 --> 00:19:01,520
♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na-na ♪
204
00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:05,520
♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na ♪
205
00:19:05,600 --> 00:19:10,240
♪ Na-na ♪
206
00:19:14,280 --> 00:19:19,520
Theresa Watkins. Agnes Watkins.
Linda Jenkins.
207
00:19:19,600 --> 00:19:22,480
I'm arresting you
under the 1603 act
208
00:19:22,560 --> 00:19:24,160
against conjuration, witchcraft,
209
00:19:24,240 --> 00:19:27,000
and dealing with evil
and wicked spirits.
210
00:19:27,080 --> 00:19:28,640
- Yeah.
- That's it.
211
00:19:28,720 --> 00:19:31,160
We've turned a blind eye
to your dead-witches suppers
212
00:19:31,240 --> 00:19:32,800
for the best part
of four decades.
213
00:19:32,880 --> 00:19:35,120
Well, I am ending them
tonight...
214
00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:36,360
...in accordance
215
00:19:36,440 --> 00:19:38,240
with ancient forest rules
216
00:19:38,320 --> 00:19:41,160
within said hundred
of Speech House Lake.
217
00:19:42,560 --> 00:19:44,160
- Tie 'em up, boys!
- Come on. Right.
218
00:19:44,240 --> 00:19:45,960
- Who's got the rope?
- I ain't got it.
219
00:19:46,040 --> 00:19:47,560
I told you to bring it.
220
00:19:47,640 --> 00:19:51,560
Oh, for God's sake!
I mean...
221
00:19:51,640 --> 00:19:55,480
Right. Uh, you-- you may not
wish to say something.
222
00:19:55,560 --> 00:19:58,760
Uh, if you, uh...
223
00:19:58,840 --> 00:20:01,480
What is it?
Uh, it may harm what you--
224
00:20:01,560 --> 00:20:03,880
Anything you say
may be taken in evidence,
225
00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:05,960
so help you God!
226
00:20:07,840 --> 00:20:09,400
Right.
Up against the wall, women.
227
00:20:09,480 --> 00:20:10,960
Who's got the handcuffs?
Get the handcuffs.
228
00:20:11,040 --> 00:20:12,320
I haven't got them.
229
00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:13,800
What kind of ambush is this?!
230
00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:15,480
- Brian!
- Jim-- Jim...
231
00:20:15,560 --> 00:20:17,640
I think this has all gone
a bit too far.
232
00:20:17,720 --> 00:20:20,880
- Huh?
- This ain't feeling right to me.
233
00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:22,560
I've got the willies.
234
00:20:22,640 --> 00:20:24,440
I think I just got swept up
in it all,
235
00:20:24,520 --> 00:20:27,320
but what you're doing here
is wrong.
236
00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:30,200
And I can't in good conscience
be a part of it no more.
237
00:20:30,280 --> 00:20:31,640
God.
238
00:20:31,720 --> 00:20:33,360
Sorry, ladies.
239
00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:34,840
- You look...
- Sorry.
240
00:20:34,920 --> 00:20:36,600
...right beautiful.
241
00:20:36,680 --> 00:20:38,680
- I like your feathers.
- Oh, for G--
242
00:20:38,760 --> 00:20:41,080
- Sorry, ladies.
- Ugh!
243
00:20:41,160 --> 00:20:44,680
You will be incarcerated
for desertion for this, Brian!
244
00:20:44,760 --> 00:20:48,160
Incarcerated!
Do you hear me?! Good riddance!
245
00:20:49,720 --> 00:20:51,200
I don't need anyone else
246
00:20:51,280 --> 00:20:54,080
to help restore natural order
to this town.
247
00:20:54,160 --> 00:20:56,760
You women don't scare me.
I will not be silent!
248
00:21:28,640 --> 00:21:30,560
Lovely.
Thanks.
17703
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