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♪ Thank you for being a friend
2
00:00:05,005 --> 00:00:09,574
♪ Traveled down the roadand back again
3
00:00:09,576 --> 00:00:12,411
♪ Your heart is true
4
00:00:12,413 --> 00:00:17,315
♪ You're a pal and a confidante
5
00:00:17,317 --> 00:00:20,385
♪ And if you threw a party
6
00:00:20,387 --> 00:00:25,924
♪ Invited everyone you knew
7
00:00:25,926 --> 00:00:29,193
♪ You would seethe biggest
giftwould be from me
8
00:00:29,195 --> 00:00:32,197
♪ And the card attachedwould say
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00:00:32,199 --> 00:00:36,868
♪ "Thank youfor being a friend" ♪
10
00:00:58,291 --> 00:01:01,059
Hi, Ma. What are you eating?
Ziti.
11
00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:02,894
Ma, it's nine o'clock
in the morning.
12
00:01:02,896 --> 00:01:04,863
You're eating a bowl of pasta?
13
00:01:04,865 --> 00:01:08,867
No, I'm eating a bowl
of Nabisco Zitios.
14
00:01:08,869 --> 00:01:12,437
Of course I'm eating pasta.
I need to gain weight.
15
00:01:12,439 --> 00:01:15,506
I'm wasting away, Dorothy.
What do you mean?
16
00:01:15,508 --> 00:01:20,812
I got weighed this morning.
I couldn't believe what I saw. 98lbs.
17
00:01:20,814 --> 00:01:24,116
What do you usually weigh?
99.
18
00:01:24,118 --> 00:01:26,852
Ma, you lost one pound.
19
00:01:26,854 --> 00:01:29,020
Thank you, René Descartes.
20
00:01:29,022 --> 00:01:32,958
I'm looking for advice,
not arithmetic.
21
00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:36,027
Ma, you cannot get upset
over one pound.
22
00:01:36,029 --> 00:01:37,228
Maybe you can't. I can.
23
00:01:37,230 --> 00:01:40,665
For 50 years my weight
hasn't changed by an ounce,
24
00:01:40,667 --> 00:01:43,467
and as far as I'm concerned,
until I'm back to 99,
25
00:01:43,469 --> 00:01:45,670
I'm no longer Sophia Petrillo.
26
00:01:45,672 --> 00:01:47,873
Morning, Dorothy.
Morning, Sophia.
27
00:01:47,875 --> 00:01:49,608
Who?
28
00:01:49,610 --> 00:01:52,143
Dorothy, do you realize
it's only two weeks
29
00:01:52,145 --> 00:01:54,379
till Phyllis's Memorial Day
beach party?
30
00:01:54,381 --> 00:01:57,749
There's only two weeks till we have
to get back into bathing suits again.
31
00:01:57,751 --> 00:01:59,817
Well, I just slipped
into last year's bikini
32
00:01:59,819 --> 00:02:01,819
and I think I look pretty good,
33
00:02:01,821 --> 00:02:04,389
but you give me
your honest advice.
34
00:02:04,391 --> 00:02:06,525
Can I still pull it off?
35
00:02:06,527 --> 00:02:09,227
Right now I'd be surprised
if you could cut if off.
36
00:02:11,597 --> 00:02:13,632
Are you implying that
I might have gained weight?
37
00:02:13,634 --> 00:02:16,401
There's only one way to find out.
Here's the scale.
38
00:02:16,403 --> 00:02:18,403
Oh, fine.
39
00:02:23,542 --> 00:02:25,009
(gasps)
40
00:02:25,011 --> 00:02:26,544
Whoa!
41
00:02:26,546 --> 00:02:29,814
Sophia, were you looking?
Uh, no, not till you stepped off.
42
00:02:29,816 --> 00:02:34,586
But I know it's not a good sign when the
first rebound goes into the low 120s.
43
00:02:36,923 --> 00:02:38,423
Blanche, honey, don't worry.
44
00:02:38,425 --> 00:02:41,059
All you need is a little
spring tune-up.
45
00:02:41,061 --> 00:02:44,996
And I suppose you don't?
No, not really.
46
00:02:44,998 --> 00:02:47,666
Prove it. Put your money
where your mouth is.
47
00:02:47,668 --> 00:02:50,235
If there isn't already
a sweet roll there.
48
00:02:50,237 --> 00:02:52,937
All right, all right,
but, now, nobody look.
49
00:02:56,909 --> 00:03:00,812
I always thought you had to
pass zero to hit that number.
50
00:03:03,448 --> 00:03:06,017
Obviously the scale is broken.
51
00:03:06,019 --> 00:03:09,321
I'm not surprised
after that kind of punishment.
52
00:03:09,323 --> 00:03:12,657
Rose, you think you're so tiny,
why don't you get weighed?
53
00:03:12,659 --> 00:03:14,859
Oh, I don't need to.
I never gain weight.
54
00:03:14,861 --> 00:03:16,761
Show us, Rose.
55
00:03:16,763 --> 00:03:18,963
Well, OK, but I can promise you
56
00:03:18,965 --> 00:03:22,600
I weigh exactly the same
as I did on my wedding day.
57
00:03:22,602 --> 00:03:24,635
(all) Moo!
58
00:03:27,473 --> 00:03:30,708
Obviously we all need
to lose a few pounds.
59
00:03:30,710 --> 00:03:32,844
We might as well
start right now.
60
00:03:32,846 --> 00:03:34,979
It's still two weeks
until Phyllis's party.
61
00:03:34,981 --> 00:03:37,615
Oh, but how?
62
00:03:37,617 --> 00:03:40,985
We could try another health club.
Oh, no way, Rose.
63
00:03:40,987 --> 00:03:44,956
I'm sure you haven't forgotten what
happened that time we tried that.
64
00:03:44,958 --> 00:03:47,959
Remember the outfits we ended up with?
Oh, Lord have mercy.
65
00:03:47,961 --> 00:03:51,763
This seems like a nice club.
66
00:03:51,765 --> 00:03:53,164
But it's for women only.
67
00:03:53,166 --> 00:03:56,768
What's wrong with the nice
coed gym we just saw?
68
00:03:56,770 --> 00:04:00,105
Come on now, Blanche, that was
nothing but a pickup scene.
69
00:04:00,107 --> 00:04:04,142
People running around in skimpy
outfits, collecting phone numbers.
70
00:04:04,144 --> 00:04:08,246
That's not true. I was not in a
skimpy outfit and I got all these.
71
00:04:09,782 --> 00:04:12,650
Hello. My name is Yvonne.
Have you been here before?
72
00:04:12,652 --> 00:04:17,589
See? You go to a woman's gym,
you get hit on by a woman.
73
00:04:17,591 --> 00:04:21,326
I work here. I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to imply anything.
74
00:04:21,328 --> 00:04:23,961
She just thought
you were a lesbian.
75
00:04:29,435 --> 00:04:32,003
Yvonne, we want to join a gym.
76
00:04:32,005 --> 00:04:34,171
What kind of exercise
are you interested in?
77
00:04:34,173 --> 00:04:37,041
Nothing radical, just to
lose a few pounds Tone up.
78
00:04:37,043 --> 00:04:39,343
Slim down.
Get into my summer wardrobe.
79
00:04:39,345 --> 00:04:42,380
Get into my winter wardrobe.
Get into my bathrobe.
80
00:04:44,250 --> 00:04:47,519
Yvonne, we are desperate women.
You've got to help us.
81
00:04:47,521 --> 00:04:50,855
I know just what you need.
Aerobics. It's what I do.
82
00:04:50,857 --> 00:04:54,491
But, Yvonne, you're much
younger than they are.
83
00:04:57,596 --> 00:04:58,930
I know you'll love aerobics.
84
00:04:58,932 --> 00:05:01,299
It stretches
every muscle in your body.
85
00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:04,969
Honey, I've been stretching
this body for years.
86
00:05:04,971 --> 00:05:06,737
Blanche, sticking your feet
out of the sunroof
87
00:05:06,739 --> 00:05:09,707
of a Chrysler New Yorker
doesn't count.
88
00:05:14,412 --> 00:05:17,549
We have a beginners' class
starting in 15 minutes.
89
00:05:17,551 --> 00:05:20,385
With some hard work, your body
can look as good as mine.
90
00:05:20,387 --> 00:05:23,020
All right. We better
get you some outfits.
91
00:05:23,022 --> 00:05:24,989
Oh, it's OK.
We brought our sweats.
92
00:05:24,991 --> 00:05:28,760
Sweats? Look, ladies, if
you're serious about training,
93
00:05:28,762 --> 00:05:30,462
you want to get off
on the right foot,
94
00:05:30,464 --> 00:05:32,897
starting with
good workout shoes.
95
00:05:32,899 --> 00:05:36,067
Now, these are beautiful,
and a bargain at $85.
96
00:05:36,069 --> 00:05:39,437
$85? That's a bit exorbitant.
97
00:05:39,439 --> 00:05:43,375
And expensive too.
98
00:05:43,377 --> 00:05:44,876
We do have cheaper brands,
99
00:05:44,878 --> 00:05:49,147
but anyone who's serious
wouldn't even go near them.
100
00:05:49,149 --> 00:05:52,450
Then we'll take those. Fine.
You'll also need aerobic suits,
101
00:05:52,452 --> 00:05:55,387
warmup outfits, wristbands,
headbands, leg warmers.
102
00:05:55,389 --> 00:05:57,689
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Leg warmers?
103
00:05:57,691 --> 00:06:00,959
You need to keep your thighs
warm. What are you using now?
104
00:06:00,961 --> 00:06:03,127
Friction.
That's why we're here.
105
00:06:05,598 --> 00:06:08,333
Ladies, I'm sorry.
106
00:06:08,335 --> 00:06:10,835
When you told me you were
serious, I took you literally.
107
00:06:10,837 --> 00:06:12,903
Just forget this stuff.
Wear your sweats.
108
00:06:12,905 --> 00:06:15,172
Oh, no, Yvonne.
We want all that stuff.
109
00:06:15,174 --> 00:06:17,575
We do. We really do.
Well, I don't.
110
00:06:17,577 --> 00:06:22,012
I'm gonna stick with my sweat
suit and my PF Flyers.
111
00:06:22,014 --> 00:06:24,415
I'll see you girls
in the locker room.
112
00:06:24,417 --> 00:06:27,819
Yvonne, she's not serious.
Never has been, never will be.
113
00:06:27,821 --> 00:06:31,422
OK, then you'll need new gym bags,
water bottles, vitamin packs,
114
00:06:31,424 --> 00:06:36,127
and most importantly, a sports training
bra to minimize jiggle and bounce.
115
00:06:36,129 --> 00:06:40,365
Yvonne, honey, I think you're missing
the whole point of having breasts.
116
00:06:40,367 --> 00:06:42,834
We'll take them.
Great.
117
00:07:00,085 --> 00:07:01,753
Nice outfits, girls.
118
00:07:01,755 --> 00:07:04,489
Shut up, Rose.
119
00:07:04,491 --> 00:07:08,159
I'm Yvonne and this is it!
Whoo! Whoo!
120
00:07:08,161 --> 00:07:10,361
Whoo.
121
00:07:10,363 --> 00:07:13,198
OK, everybody, let's warm up.
Whoo!
122
00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:14,832
Whoo!
123
00:07:17,403 --> 00:07:19,671
And stretch.
124
00:07:19,673 --> 00:07:22,406
Legs wider.
125
00:07:22,408 --> 00:07:25,810
Oh, ow.
That hurts.
126
00:07:25,812 --> 00:07:27,579
I'm not having any trouble.
127
00:07:27,581 --> 00:07:30,782
Why is it that
doesn't surprise me?
128
00:07:32,418 --> 00:07:35,686
OK, everybody on their feet.
129
00:07:35,688 --> 00:07:37,155
(lively music starts)
130
00:07:37,157 --> 00:07:40,591
Whirlybirds.
Whirlybirds.
131
00:07:42,094 --> 00:07:46,230
Jackhammer.
Jackhammer.
132
00:07:48,801 --> 00:07:53,104
Windshield wipers.
Windshield wipers.
133
00:07:57,476 --> 00:08:01,345
Charley horse.
Charley horse.
134
00:08:03,015 --> 00:08:06,751
She has a cramp, you pea brain.
135
00:08:06,753 --> 00:08:11,188
All that money and we only went twice.
Can you believe it?
136
00:08:11,190 --> 00:08:12,924
What are you cooking now, Ma?
137
00:08:12,926 --> 00:08:15,460
A Petrillo family delicacy.
138
00:08:15,462 --> 00:08:18,096
Double-fudge, amaretto,
ricotta cheesecake.
139
00:08:18,098 --> 00:08:19,797
What's in it?
140
00:08:21,166 --> 00:08:24,235
This cake is guaranteed
to make me gain back that pound.
141
00:08:24,237 --> 00:08:27,238
Ma, all this eating
you're doing is ridiculous.
142
00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:31,175
Now, I am sure you are
already back up to 99lbs.
143
00:08:31,177 --> 00:08:32,677
We'll see.
144
00:08:35,180 --> 00:08:37,549
Wrong again, Kreskin.
Still 98.
145
00:08:37,551 --> 00:08:39,250
98lbs.
146
00:08:39,252 --> 00:08:42,720
I can't remember the last time
I weighed 98. Probably college.
147
00:08:42,722 --> 00:08:44,155
Where'd you go to college,
Blanche?
148
00:08:44,157 --> 00:08:46,925
The University of Jupiter?
149
00:08:48,227 --> 00:08:50,695
Girls, we still have
one big problem to solve.
150
00:08:50,697 --> 00:08:53,097
How are we gonna make ourselves
look good for the party?
151
00:08:53,099 --> 00:08:56,166
How else, Rose?
By dieting.
152
00:08:56,168 --> 00:08:59,670
It's gonna take a little patience
and a little determination,
153
00:08:59,672 --> 00:09:02,040
but mostly
it's gonna take willpower.
154
00:09:02,042 --> 00:09:04,875
We are facing
some long, painful,
155
00:09:04,877 --> 00:09:07,612
hunger pang filled nights.
156
00:09:07,614 --> 00:09:11,348
Who wants to lick the spoon?
I do.
157
00:09:11,350 --> 00:09:13,784
Maybe we could just
change our hairdos.
158
00:09:13,786 --> 00:09:15,987
Now, we cannot
do that, Dorothy.
159
00:09:15,989 --> 00:09:18,523
I'm still trying to recover
from the last time.
160
00:09:18,525 --> 00:09:21,726
Remember, about the same time
of year - two years ago, was it?
161
00:09:21,728 --> 00:09:23,794
That little dinky place.
162
00:09:28,667 --> 00:09:31,302
Gee, Ma, I don't know
if this was such a good idea.
163
00:09:31,304 --> 00:09:36,040
I think you're right. Maybe I should've done my own hair.
I've been doing it for years.
164
00:09:36,042 --> 00:09:39,009
That's why it looks like something
you buy on a stick at halftime.
165
00:09:42,281 --> 00:09:44,415
Sophia, we're just
a little bit nervous.
166
00:09:44,417 --> 00:09:47,885
This is a very important event.
We want to look perfect.
167
00:09:47,887 --> 00:09:50,655
Please! The man works with
scissors, not a sandblaster.
168
00:09:50,657 --> 00:09:55,426
Ma, this is all a mistake.
We don't belong here.
169
00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:59,163
This is one of those Miami Beach
shops for little old ladies.
170
00:09:59,165 --> 00:10:00,865
Come on, let's get out of her
171
00:10:00,867 --> 00:10:04,102
All right, ladies.
Whose hair do I wash next?
172
00:10:04,104 --> 00:10:07,438
Mine.
173
00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:10,841
I'm first.
I'm the dirtiest.
174
00:10:12,911 --> 00:10:15,213
Oh, God, you are gorgeous.
175
00:10:15,215 --> 00:10:16,947
Yes, I know.
176
00:10:16,949 --> 00:10:19,517
I am Eduardo.
177
00:10:19,519 --> 00:10:22,754
Eduardo, tonight is important
to us. We want to look our best.
178
00:10:22,756 --> 00:10:28,126
Don't worry, ladies. After Eduardo does
a woman's hair, the years melt away.
179
00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:31,362
She's transformed
into a breathtaking, sensuous,
180
00:10:31,364 --> 00:10:34,732
vivacious goddess of beauty.
181
00:10:34,734 --> 00:10:36,401
I tried to get
all that on the sign,
182
00:10:36,403 --> 00:10:38,836
but they charge by the letter.
183
00:10:40,706 --> 00:10:43,675
We should begin by your telling
me what you would like.
184
00:10:43,677 --> 00:10:47,277
Here. I have a picture.
185
00:10:47,279 --> 00:10:49,179
This is not you.
186
00:10:49,181 --> 00:10:51,381
You are a vixen.
187
00:10:51,383 --> 00:10:53,751
For you, I see a saucier cut.
188
00:10:53,753 --> 00:10:56,087
An Audrey Hepburn look.
189
00:10:56,089 --> 00:10:58,388
Simple, elegant,
190
00:10:58,390 --> 00:11:02,660
and something to accent
these delicate features.
191
00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:04,595
Can you really do all that?
192
00:11:04,597 --> 00:11:05,796
My dear, in many respects,
193
00:11:05,798 --> 00:11:09,000
styling hair
is like making love.
194
00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:12,703
To do it well,
one must have trust, respect
195
00:11:12,705 --> 00:11:15,005
and a chair
you can pump up and down.
196
00:11:18,777 --> 00:11:21,511
I am your clay.
Mold me.
197
00:11:23,182 --> 00:11:25,315
Not so fast, Eduardo.
198
00:11:25,317 --> 00:11:27,919
What are you going
to do with me?
199
00:11:27,921 --> 00:11:30,121
You have good bones.
200
00:11:30,123 --> 00:11:33,924
Yes, this is a strong,
noble face,
201
00:11:33,926 --> 00:11:37,862
full of wisdom and sincerity.
202
00:11:37,864 --> 00:11:39,930
You could be a Greek goddess.
203
00:11:39,932 --> 00:11:42,232
Go on, Eduardo.
204
00:11:43,935 --> 00:11:46,036
I said go on, Eduardo.
205
00:11:49,942 --> 00:11:54,578
Give him a break. He barely got
it out once with a straight face.
206
00:11:55,814 --> 00:11:57,948
What about me?
Could I be a goddess too?
207
00:11:57,950 --> 00:12:00,551
No, no.
You are an earth mother.
208
00:12:00,553 --> 00:12:03,687
Sweet, compassionate,
209
00:12:03,689 --> 00:12:07,225
but bubbling with sensuality
just below the surface.
210
00:12:07,227 --> 00:12:10,494
Oh, that's a relief.
All this time I thought it was gas.
211
00:12:14,466 --> 00:12:16,634
Ladies, it's time.
212
00:12:16,636 --> 00:12:18,535
Time to walk through
the looking glass.
213
00:12:18,537 --> 00:12:21,906
Time to take that last glimpse
of your former selves.
214
00:12:21,908 --> 00:12:24,441
Time to take that giant step
215
00:12:24,443 --> 00:12:28,345
into the world of Eduardoism.
216
00:12:28,347 --> 00:12:30,581
You've been drinking again,
haven't you?
217
00:12:30,583 --> 00:12:35,586
Right.
The magic begins.
218
00:12:35,588 --> 00:12:38,689
Oh, I'm feeling younger
and sexier already.
219
00:12:38,691 --> 00:12:40,491
Dorothy, how do I look?
220
00:12:40,493 --> 00:12:42,760
Like something that
came out of the air duct
221
00:12:42,762 --> 00:12:45,696
of the starship Enterprise.
222
00:12:45,698 --> 00:12:48,599
What?
What?
223
00:12:48,601 --> 00:12:50,401
Ladies, it's time.
224
00:12:50,403 --> 00:12:55,273
Time for the unveiling
of another Eduardo masterpiece.
225
00:12:55,275 --> 00:12:58,075
Sit back,
226
00:12:58,077 --> 00:13:01,312
feast your eyes,
227
00:13:01,314 --> 00:13:05,215
and meet the woman
you always dreamt you could be.
228
00:13:19,264 --> 00:13:21,966
Eduardo, you've done it again.
229
00:13:25,704 --> 00:13:27,270
And again.
230
00:13:29,207 --> 00:13:30,574
And again.
231
00:13:35,513 --> 00:13:39,417
Sophia, I still cannot believe
you talked us into that.
232
00:13:39,419 --> 00:13:41,285
Please. You three
looked gorgeous.
233
00:13:41,287 --> 00:13:43,754
We didn't even look
like ourselves.
234
00:13:43,756 --> 00:13:46,190
What's your point?
235
00:13:46,192 --> 00:13:49,360
Ma, you are not helping matters.
We are trying to think of a way
236
00:13:49,362 --> 00:13:52,563
we can make ourselves
look better for that party.
237
00:13:52,565 --> 00:13:54,765
OK, let me think.
238
00:13:54,767 --> 00:13:56,634
It's too bad
we're not back home.
239
00:13:56,636 --> 00:13:58,369
There's no place like Sicily.
240
00:13:58,371 --> 00:13:59,737
Why do you say that, Sophia?
241
00:13:59,739 --> 00:14:03,040
Because in Sicily I could solve
this with one phone call.
242
00:14:03,042 --> 00:14:05,176
To whom?
Nicodemo the Ugly.
243
00:14:05,178 --> 00:14:07,478
Whenever you wanted
to look gorgeous at a party,
244
00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:09,413
you hired him to be your date.
245
00:14:09,415 --> 00:14:12,082
You mean women paid him
246
00:14:12,084 --> 00:14:15,286
to stand next to them at parties
and look disgusting?
247
00:14:15,288 --> 00:14:18,289
Please.
They paid through the nose.
248
00:14:18,291 --> 00:14:21,559
That's also how he usually
gave them their change.
249
00:14:21,561 --> 00:14:25,495
Girls, maybe we don't even
need to worry about our bodies.
250
00:14:25,497 --> 00:14:29,399
At the counseling center, we teach
people that changing their dispositions
251
00:14:29,401 --> 00:14:32,903
can sometimes be just as effective
in making a good impression.
252
00:14:32,905 --> 00:14:34,671
Rose, if you're thinking
of one of those
253
00:14:34,673 --> 00:14:37,407
personality-enhancing
exercises,
254
00:14:37,409 --> 00:14:40,177
you're forgetting
we tried that already once too.
255
00:14:40,179 --> 00:14:43,447
And I'll never try that again.
Remember? Three years ago.
256
00:14:43,449 --> 00:14:45,249
It seems like yesterday.
257
00:14:47,052 --> 00:14:48,719
Damn!
258
00:14:48,721 --> 00:14:51,522
What's the matter, Pussycat?
I can't balance my checkbook.
259
00:14:51,524 --> 00:14:54,491
Oh, to hell with it.
I'm only off by a few pennies.
260
00:14:54,493 --> 00:14:57,261
A few pennies.
To you it may not be much,
261
00:14:57,263 --> 00:15:01,098
but in Sicily a few pennies could make
the difference between owning a gun
262
00:15:01,100 --> 00:15:05,136
and having to insert bullets
into your victim manually.
263
00:15:05,138 --> 00:15:10,240
OK, Ma, I'll try it again, but
believe me, (doorbell)
264
00:15:10,242 --> 00:15:12,810
there's nothing
in this world I hate more.
265
00:15:14,980 --> 00:15:17,181
I spoke too soon.
266
00:15:17,183 --> 00:15:19,517
Hi, babe.
It's me, Stan.
267
00:15:19,519 --> 00:15:23,120
Wait, let me rephrase that.
It's me, the new Stan.
268
00:15:23,122 --> 00:15:25,790
What are you talking about?
Don't you notice a difference?
269
00:15:25,792 --> 00:15:29,226
Can't you see the glow?
Can't you see the light radiating off me?
270
00:15:29,228 --> 00:15:32,062
Sure. It's the porch light
glaring off your head.
271
00:15:34,066 --> 00:15:38,903
I thought I heard a man's voi...
Oh, it's you, Stan.
272
00:15:38,905 --> 00:15:40,337
I'm so happy you're all here.
273
00:15:40,339 --> 00:15:42,372
I have just had
an incredible experience
274
00:15:42,374 --> 00:15:44,675
that I wanted to share
with my dearest friends.
275
00:15:44,677 --> 00:15:47,411
So what are you doing here?
276
00:15:47,413 --> 00:15:52,082
I just finished a seminar with an
encounter group called Realizations.
277
00:15:52,084 --> 00:15:55,753
Realizations.
Let me guess.
278
00:15:55,755 --> 00:15:59,823
It's a group that promises
to remove all emotional blocks,
279
00:15:59,825 --> 00:16:03,661
self-denial and lifelong
hang-ups in two days.
280
00:16:03,663 --> 00:16:08,432
Miss Know-It-All, for your
information it takes three days.
281
00:16:08,434 --> 00:16:10,134
So what did it do for you?
282
00:16:10,136 --> 00:16:14,037
I've learned a hell of a lot
about what makes Stanley run.
283
00:16:14,039 --> 00:16:15,973
Why I'm so reluctant
to make commitments,
284
00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:17,475
why I can't keep friends,
285
00:16:17,477 --> 00:16:19,910
why all my business ventures
seem to fail.
286
00:16:19,912 --> 00:16:21,946
I finally have an answer.
287
00:16:21,948 --> 00:16:24,148
Because you're a schmuck?
288
00:16:26,785 --> 00:16:29,720
Did you take this seminar?
289
00:16:29,722 --> 00:16:31,956
Stan, I think
we've heard enough.
290
00:16:31,958 --> 00:16:35,559
Look, I've gone through
a life-changing experience.
291
00:16:35,561 --> 00:16:38,562
I feel like I'm free
to love anybody.
292
00:16:38,564 --> 00:16:42,433
Oh, please. You said the same thing
after you had your vasectomy.
293
00:16:43,702 --> 00:16:47,404
That's OK.
In Realizations,
294
00:16:47,406 --> 00:16:51,208
I learnt that people usually
hurt each other unintentionally,
295
00:16:51,210 --> 00:16:53,477
therefore they deserve
a second chance.
296
00:16:53,479 --> 00:16:55,713
I hate you.
297
00:16:55,715 --> 00:16:58,182
Nothing can bother me.
Not now.
298
00:16:58,184 --> 00:17:00,217
I'm in a fellowship
that accepts me,
299
00:17:00,219 --> 00:17:02,919
cares for me and loves me.
300
00:17:02,921 --> 00:17:04,654
They'll always be there for me,
301
00:17:04,656 --> 00:17:07,491
and I'd like to enroll
all of you in that fellowship.
302
00:17:07,493 --> 00:17:09,960
No.
303
00:17:09,962 --> 00:17:11,929
But you've got to.
Why?
304
00:17:11,931 --> 00:17:17,101
Because if I don't meet my quota
for enrolling new people
305
00:17:17,103 --> 00:17:20,771
in this loving, accepting,
caring fellowship,
306
00:17:20,773 --> 00:17:22,439
they're gonna kick me
out on the street
307
00:17:22,441 --> 00:17:24,674
and never speak to me again.
308
00:17:24,676 --> 00:17:27,811
Please.
At least hear me out.
309
00:17:27,813 --> 00:17:33,084
All right, Stanley. We'll listen to
what you have to say. Beautiful.
310
00:17:33,086 --> 00:17:35,819
How about we all go someplace
and get comfortable,
311
00:17:35,821 --> 00:17:37,455
get some coffee,
have something to eat?
312
00:17:37,457 --> 00:17:38,889
I'll go change.
313
00:17:38,891 --> 00:17:41,591
Why? We're only going
into the kitchen.
314
00:17:43,395 --> 00:17:46,596
Boy, I hope you have some cheesecake.
Stan, that's it.
315
00:17:46,598 --> 00:17:49,166
I've had it with your
freeloading. Get out.
316
00:17:49,168 --> 00:17:51,702
Dorothy, you have
so much hostility,
317
00:17:51,704 --> 00:17:54,304
so much aggression,
so much mistrust.
318
00:17:54,306 --> 00:17:56,574
This problem goes deeper
than I thought.
319
00:17:56,576 --> 00:17:58,308
I'm gonna need a steak
with that cheesecake.
320
00:17:58,310 --> 00:17:59,977
Get out!
Dorothy...
321
00:17:59,979 --> 00:18:01,645
Out!
322
00:18:01,647 --> 00:18:03,513
I'll just leave you
the brochure.
323
00:18:06,418 --> 00:18:08,352
Can you believe that man?
324
00:18:08,354 --> 00:18:11,188
He actually thought
he was gonna help us.
325
00:18:11,190 --> 00:18:14,257
Well, he did have
one good idea.
326
00:18:14,259 --> 00:18:15,492
What was that?
327
00:18:15,494 --> 00:18:18,596
Cheesecake.
328
00:18:18,598 --> 00:18:22,533
You know, Dorothy, to this day I cannot
understand what you saw in that man.
329
00:18:22,535 --> 00:18:25,268
Picture a man 20lbs lighter,
330
00:18:25,270 --> 00:18:29,273
long, wavy hair,
rippling muscles.
331
00:18:29,275 --> 00:18:32,108
I can't believe Stan looked like that.
He didn't.
332
00:18:32,110 --> 00:18:34,110
Do you think if I ever met
a man who looked like that,
333
00:18:34,112 --> 00:18:36,413
I would've married Stan?
334
00:18:36,415 --> 00:18:38,815
Maybe we shouldn't be
so tough on the guy.
335
00:18:38,817 --> 00:18:40,684
This brochure actually
looks interesting,
336
00:18:40,686 --> 00:18:42,752
once you get past the picture
of the guy in the turban
337
00:18:42,754 --> 00:18:45,589
waving from the front seat
of the Rolls-Royce.
338
00:18:45,591 --> 00:18:48,726
Sophia, those things
are just silly.
339
00:18:48,728 --> 00:18:52,630
"The unexamined life
is a life not worth living."
340
00:18:52,632 --> 00:18:53,931
That's very deep.
341
00:18:53,933 --> 00:18:56,199
And if you're into this,
very reasonable.
342
00:18:56,201 --> 00:18:58,068
It's 17.95 for that slogan
343
00:18:58,070 --> 00:19:02,306
printed on a turban-shaped
night-light.
344
00:19:02,308 --> 00:19:04,475
Oh, that is so typical.
345
00:19:04,477 --> 00:19:07,444
All those swamis
are just out for a buck.
346
00:19:07,446 --> 00:19:08,945
They can't teach you anything
347
00:19:08,947 --> 00:19:11,882
that anyone with any common
sense doesn't already know.
348
00:19:11,884 --> 00:19:14,118
I didn't know that.
349
00:19:14,120 --> 00:19:16,720
A visual aid.
350
00:19:16,722 --> 00:19:20,324
Oh, really, Ramdas?
If it's all so easy,
351
00:19:20,326 --> 00:19:23,093
let's hear you answer
this question.
352
00:19:23,095 --> 00:19:25,229
"Describe your best friend."
353
00:19:25,231 --> 00:19:27,497
Dorothy, that's a really
good question.
354
00:19:27,499 --> 00:19:29,633
Oh, yes, and I'd love
to hear the answer.
355
00:19:29,635 --> 00:19:33,637
Well, my best friend is a woman,
356
00:19:33,639 --> 00:19:36,607
someone I have
a great deal in common with.
357
00:19:36,609 --> 00:19:39,376
Is she pretty?
Yes, she's attractive.
358
00:19:39,378 --> 00:19:41,312
Attractive as in wholesome?
359
00:19:41,314 --> 00:19:44,648
Or attractive as in drop-dead
stunningly gorgeous?
360
00:19:44,650 --> 00:19:47,818
Attractive as in attractive.
361
00:19:47,820 --> 00:19:49,720
All right.
What else?
362
00:19:49,722 --> 00:19:54,692
She's someone I share
my innermost secrets with
363
00:19:54,694 --> 00:19:56,961
in strictest confidence.
364
00:19:56,963 --> 00:20:00,831
You mean like the time you told me you
borrowed Blanche's car, dented it,
365
00:20:00,833 --> 00:20:03,733
and said the bag boy
at the grocery store did it?
366
00:20:06,771 --> 00:20:09,773
That's not a secret.
I just forgot to mention it.
367
00:20:11,142 --> 00:20:13,343
I think she means more like
the time she told me
368
00:20:13,345 --> 00:20:16,380
that she went skinny-dipping
with your cousin Lars
369
00:20:16,382 --> 00:20:19,449
before he gave up the pulpit
back in St. Gustave.
370
00:20:21,786 --> 00:20:23,854
That's a better example
of a secret.
371
00:20:23,856 --> 00:20:27,758
Oh, then you have been talking
about me. I'm your best friend.
372
00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:30,094
She's been talking
about me, Blanche.
373
00:20:30,096 --> 00:20:33,464
I haven't been talking about
either one of you. What?
374
00:20:33,466 --> 00:20:35,866
I've been talking
about both of you.
375
00:20:35,868 --> 00:20:38,936
I mean, how could I
chose between you two?
376
00:20:38,938 --> 00:20:42,005
You're both my best friends.
377
00:20:42,007 --> 00:20:44,308
Dorothy, how sweet.
378
00:20:44,310 --> 00:20:48,478
Oh, that just gives me a warm,
tingly feeling all over.
379
00:20:48,480 --> 00:20:49,947
If you'll excuse me,
380
00:20:49,949 --> 00:20:52,449
I'm gonna go slip under
the covers and enjoy it.
381
00:20:55,453 --> 00:20:58,222
OK, Dorothy, she's gone.
You can tell me the truth.
382
00:20:58,224 --> 00:21:00,424
You were talking about me,
weren't you?
383
00:21:00,426 --> 00:21:03,861
That's OK.
It'll be our own little secret.
384
00:21:03,863 --> 00:21:06,997
That, and the dent
in Blanche's car.
385
00:21:08,365 --> 00:21:09,533
Got you.
386
00:21:11,736 --> 00:21:14,604
You are such a liar.
What?
387
00:21:14,606 --> 00:21:15,772
Neither of them
is your best friend.
388
00:21:15,774 --> 00:21:18,309
Admit it.
I'm your best friend.
389
00:21:18,311 --> 00:21:20,110
You're right.
390
00:21:20,112 --> 00:21:22,813
I was talking about you, Ma.
391
00:21:22,815 --> 00:21:25,716
You are my best friend.
392
00:21:25,718 --> 00:21:28,319
Just like I'm your best friend.
393
00:21:28,321 --> 00:21:30,087
Best friend? Please.
394
00:21:30,089 --> 00:21:32,689
You aren't even
my favorite child.
395
00:21:34,159 --> 00:21:37,060
When you were 13, there were
neighbor children I liked better.
396
00:21:37,062 --> 00:21:38,528
Best friend.
397
00:21:38,530 --> 00:21:41,465
How about picking up a tab
once in a while, pal of mine?
398
00:21:41,467 --> 00:21:44,367
Or letting me open
my own social security check?
399
00:21:44,369 --> 00:21:46,570
Best friend!
Yeah, right.
400
00:21:49,340 --> 00:21:53,643
That little exercise certainly did
not enhance things around here.
401
00:21:53,645 --> 00:21:57,781
Oh, I wouldn't say that.
After Ma blabbed the truth,
402
00:21:57,783 --> 00:22:01,251
you turned the silent treatment
into an art form.
403
00:22:01,253 --> 00:22:02,319
(bell)
404
00:22:02,321 --> 00:22:04,488
Oh, there's my cake.
Oh, Ma.
405
00:22:04,490 --> 00:22:08,091
Now, you cannot eat cake
after that big bowl of pasta.
406
00:22:08,093 --> 00:22:10,193
It's not healthy.
407
00:22:10,195 --> 00:22:12,195
Sophia, I just
thought of something.
408
00:22:12,197 --> 00:22:14,531
You're worried about
losing a pound.
409
00:22:14,533 --> 00:22:18,335
Have you ever thought you may not
be the same height you always were?
410
00:22:18,337 --> 00:22:19,970
You know, Ma,
Blanche could be right.
411
00:22:19,972 --> 00:22:22,639
This could be exactly
why you're losing weight.
412
00:22:22,641 --> 00:22:23,741
Come with me.
413
00:22:23,743 --> 00:22:25,642
Remember the first week
you were here,
414
00:22:25,644 --> 00:22:29,580
we put a mark on the back wall
to measure how tall we were?
415
00:22:29,582 --> 00:22:31,048
You said they did that
at the home
416
00:22:31,050 --> 00:22:34,417
to show how your height
was declining.
417
00:22:34,419 --> 00:22:36,186
Oh, Blanche is right.
418
00:22:36,188 --> 00:22:39,189
You are a little bit shorter.
419
00:22:39,191 --> 00:22:41,392
You don't have to worry
about losing weight.
420
00:22:41,394 --> 00:22:44,227
And you don't
have to eat that cake.
421
00:22:44,229 --> 00:22:47,764
Why do I get the feeling you three
are most happy about the last part?
422
00:22:47,766 --> 00:22:49,165
Oh, you mean us have some cake?
423
00:22:49,167 --> 00:22:51,602
Honey, we can't do that.
We're dieting.
424
00:22:51,604 --> 00:22:53,437
Sure smells good though.
425
00:22:53,439 --> 00:22:55,739
Looks even better.
426
00:22:55,741 --> 00:22:58,075
Bet you it tastes
even better than that.
427
00:22:58,077 --> 00:22:59,743
You three are dieting.
I'm throwing it away.
428
00:22:59,745 --> 00:23:02,345
Don't!
429
00:23:02,347 --> 00:23:04,047
Oh, girls, we can't do this.
430
00:23:04,049 --> 00:23:07,584
Now, remember the party.
It's two weeks from Saturday.
431
00:23:07,586 --> 00:23:10,620
No, it isn't. This year
Phyllis moved it to Sunday.
432
00:23:10,622 --> 00:23:13,890
Then we have an extra day.
433
00:23:13,892 --> 00:23:17,428
We can worry about
our bodies tomorrow.
434
00:23:17,430 --> 00:23:19,796
I'll get the plates.
I'll get the forks.
435
00:23:19,798 --> 00:23:21,998
I'll get the hot fudge.
I'll get the butter.
436
00:23:22,000 --> 00:23:26,002
We may have to grease the doorway to
get the three of you out of here.
34311
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