All language subtitles for The Golden Girls - 04x18 - Fiddler on the Ropes

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the road
and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the biggest
gift would be from me

♪ And the card attached
would say

♪ "Thank you
for being a friend" ♪

Hi, Blanche.

Girls, you are my very best
friends in the entire world,

and I trust and respect you
more than any people I know.

So I want you
to tell me the truth.

Now, honestly, do you think
I'm competent at what I do?

Based on the sounds
from your bedroom,

I'd bet you're damn near
spectacular.

I am talking about my job
at the museum.

Of course you're competent.

They wouldn't have kept you for
five years if you weren't.

Then why is my boss constantly
looking over my shoulder?

I would guess a plunging
neckline and a push-up bra.

I swear, sometimes I think I
just wanna throw in the towel

and take an early retirement.

I wonder if you can collect
Social Security at 49, 50.

49-50. What is that,
Blanche -

the address of
the Social Security building?

Come on now.
You had a bad day at work.

Happens to all of us,
but we're not retiring.

I just don't know what I'd do
if I retired.

No problems to solve,
no challenges.

I'd be afraid my mind
would go soft.

Don't even talk that way, Rose.
That's crazy talk.

It sure would be nice
to have some investments

to fall back on, though.

I just never had a mind
for that.

Me neither.
I never had a mind for money matters.

I always used to let Stanley
handle all our investments.

Did he have a head for numbers?
Stanley?

The man used to have to
get naked to count to 21.

Little more.
Another one.

Now, if you ask me,
we are doing fine,

starting out slow,

you know, going in on that
certificate of deposit together.

It's the simplest form
of investment.

An idiot couldn't screw it up.

By the way, Rose, what was the
rate today for the CD at the bank?

I didn't go to the bank today.

I was called to work early,
so I asked Sophia to go for us.

You let Ma leave the house
with $3,000 of our money?

What's wrong with that?
What's wrong?!

Odds are she'll probably come back
with a handful of magic beans!

Dorothy, just relax.

Your mother
is a responsible woman.

She knows how long it took us
to save that money.

You can trust her.

Don't get mad.

Ma, did you buy the CD today?
Not exactly.

I said, don't get mad.
Sophia, what did you do with our money?

I think you're gonna be
really impressed.

I made a very shrewd deal with
a guy I met at the bus stop.

Oh!

Now, I know it's a big
responsibility to take care of one,

but I bought a boxer.

You spent $3,000 for a dog?

He's no dog. He's a winner.

Come on in, Pepe.

Ma, you bought a prizefighter?

It's a once-in-a-lifetime
investment.

A week from now, you're gonna be
kissing the ground I walk on.

You're gonna be looking up
at it from the other side.

What happens
a week from tonight?

Pepe, tell them.
¿Qué?

Pepe, boom-boom.

Kill Gonzales!

Attaboy, tiger.

Hey, Pepe, why don't you do
some roadwork while we talk?

¿Qué?

Immigration, Pepe.
Immigration.

Nobody has to worry
about anything.

This is the chance
of a lifetime.

Even if Pepe loses next week's
fight, he still gets $10,000.

How is that possible?
It's a guaranteed purse.

And for our lousy 3-grand
investment, that's a $7,000 profit.

Pepe gets the standard 20%,

and we're left with a tidy sum
for only one week's work.

So 20% is standard for a boxer?

It is if he doesn't
speak English.

Ma, that's it. Forget it.
Take him back.

To where, Customer Service?

Besides, I believe there's
a no-return clause on fighters.

Unless you're Robin Givens.

Ma, this isn't making
any sense.

It's all legit.
I checked it out.

If you don't mind, we're gonna make
a few phone calls in the morning

to try to find out
what this is all about.

The whole thing is ridiculous.

Fine. In the meantime,
I'll bunk with you.

I told Pepe
he could have my room.

He's staying here with us?

Hey, we're in training.
And set another place at the table.

Hey, Pepe.

Pepe, you like ravioli?
¿Qué?

Boom-boom.
Kill Gonzales!

(♪ violin) Yeah,
his name is Kid Pepe.

That's right. He's supposed
to have a fight next week.

Yeah, thank you.
I'll hold.

OK, Kid, there are three
things you have to remember

in the ring.

One - keep your face covered,
two - keep your head down

and three - keep moving
at all times.

Incidentally,
the same rules apply

if you're ever dining
at a clam bar in Little Italy.

(raises volume)

Ma, will you turn that down?
I can't hear.

(turns off music) Uh, yes, yes.
Yes, I'm still here, yes.

Oh. So the contract is valid?

Well, thank you.
Thank you very much.

Everything is on the up and up.
He does have a fight scheduled.

All we have to do
is hire a cut man,

but I can probably do that on my
way back from the dry cleaner's.

Gee, it sounds so natural,
doesn't it?

Then I guess till next Tuesday,
we are Kid Pepe's managers.

What happens after Tuesday?

We take our winnings
and buy a heavyweight.

OK. A middleweight
and a microwave.

Ma, forget it. This insanity
lasts exactly one week,

and that's only
because we have a chance

of possibly
getting our savings back.

The minute the fight is over,
it is "Adios, Pepe."

No! No, no, Pepe!

Get back here
and boom-boom.

Wouldn't it be something, though,
to make $7,000 in 7 days?

It sure would.

Oh, girls, remember
what we're dealing with.

My mother bought this man
at a bus stop.

Jab. Left.
Jab, jab, left.

Ma, you don't know the
first thing about boxing.

Please. I used to be known
as the Don King of Sicily.

Of course, I used to wear
my hair differently then.

I might be able
to help Pepe, too.

You can be a constant
reminder of what might happen

if you spar without headgear.

I mean I might be able
to help him with this.

(singsong) A, my name is
Anne, and my husband's name is Alf.

We come from Anhoev,
and we sell antlers.

This is ridiculous.

The important thing is that
we get our money back.

What difference does it make
if Pepe wins?

Ten grand.
Say what?

Ten grand. If Pepe wins,
the money's doubled.

Didn't I mention that?

Hands up, Pepe. Come on.
Ma, get the music.

Pussycat, get some sleep.
The big fight's tomorrow.

Words that have echoed
from mother to daughter

since time began.

OK, so I don't turn a phrase
like Harriet Nelson.

You still better
get some sleep.

I can't, Ma. I'm too nervous.
About the money?

No, Ma. I'm always a wreck
the night before

any welterweight Division B
match-up at the local arena.

Of course I'm worried about -
Ma, how could you do this?

How could you gamble
with our money?

Let me tell you a story,
Dorothy.

Picture it -
Sicily, 1920.

Two young girls pack their bags
and leave their tiny village

to seek fame and fortune

and a meal
cooked without oregano.

Their journey takes them
to a seaside town

where a ship prepares to
depart for the New World.

They're just -

The New World?

Anybody can say Baltimore.
There's an art to telling these stories.

Sorry.
Where was I?

Departing for the New World.
Oh, right.

Anyway, the price of steerage
turns out to be 900,000 lire.

Or approximately
a buck and a quarter.

Which is exactly the amount
of each girl's life savings.

Exactly?

That's why this is a story

instead of
an immigration report.

May I continue?

One girl chooses to spend her money
and take a chance on adventure.

The other plays it cautiously and
books only a ferry to Sardinia,

saving the rest of her money
for a rainy day.

Lemme guess, Ma.
You were the one who chose adventure.

You also would've said Baltimore
instead of the New World.

You're no good at this.

I'm the girl
who played it safe.

Maybe if I'd made
the other choice,

I'd have been
prime minister of Israel

instead of my good friend
Golda Meir.

Ma, you never met Golda Meir!

Please! I almost married
her husband,

the man who perfected
the hot dog.

(both) Oscar Meir.

Ma, you're not making
any sense.

All right, Dorothy.
Let me level with you.

All my life, I've been the practical one.
Your father was the dreamer.

So when this opportunity
came along,

I could hear his voice like
he was standing next to me.

"Sophia, take a chance.
Go for it."

I didn't mean to hurt you,
pussycat.

I guess... I did it
for your father.

Oh, Ma...

That's a load of crap.

I'm dancing as fast as I can,
Dorothy.

Hey, I did a dumb thing,
and I feel terrible.

What else do you want me to say?
At least it was a start.

You can also tell me again

how everything is going
to work out just fine.

Everything is gonna
work out just fine.

All the Kid has to do is step
into that ring tomorrow,

and we'll make our money back.

Dorothy, he's gone!
What?

Pepe's gone! I went to take him milk
and cookies, and his room is empty.

He can't be gone!
We have to find him!

Sophia, where are you going?

Out the window
before I'm thrown out.

On my own, at least
I can tuck and roll.

Are you sure
this is the right place?

No, but it was the only address
we could find in Pepe's room.

I feel uncomfortable about
going through Pepe's things.

Me, too. Although it was kind
of exciting opening his closet

and seeing his little
boxing trunks hanging there

with that provocative
nickname on 'em.

Blanche, Everlast is a brand
name, not a nickname.

What kind of a place
is this, anyway?

I don't know.
An old office building or a warehouse.

Looks to me like the kind of place
where shady dealings go on.

I say we just forget our money
and save our behinds.

Why? You've got a lot more
behind than you do money.

No, I'm with you. I say let's cut
our losses and get out of here.

(♪ piano)

(violin plays sweetly)

Excuse me.
This is a private session.

What is going on here?

What does it look like?
The opposition kidnapped our fighter

and is trying to turn him into a sissy
boy by making him play the violin.

Come on, Pepe.
Ma!

Ladies, I guess I've got
some explaining to do.

You sure do. Like why
you snuck out on us.

Like why you used us.

Like why you're speaking better
English than Sylvester Stallone.

Pepe, what is this all about?

The violin. In two days,
I have an audition

for the Juilliard
School of Music.

Yeah, right. And I'm
Jimmy Swaggart's

favorite way to pass
a lonely afternoon.

No, it's true.
This is my teacher.

He's been coaching me
in the evenings.

I see. And is there
anything else

that you feel
we're entitled to know

before we kiss you
and the $3,000 goodbye?

You'll get your money back.
I'm gonna fight tomorrow.

I need that purse
in case I get into Juilliard.

You need a purse
to go to Juilliard?

You understood more when he spoke
Spanish, didn't you, Rose?

Frankly, I don't
understand much, either.

Pepe, why didn't you tell us all this
when Sophia first brought you home?

I was afraid you'd
back out of the deal.

I needed your money for the
entrance fee for the fight.

Entrance fee?

Oh, yeah, right.
Didn't I mention that?

No problem. It comes
out of Rose's share.

What about the Spanish?
Why did you pretend to only know Spanish?

Image. Cuban boxers are supposed to know
their right from their left, not much else.

And you think that we are that
narrow-minded and prejudiced

that we actually felt that way?

You bought into it, didn't you?

Hey, I didn't invent Kid Pepe.

I just conformed to your image of
a simple-minded Hispanic fighter.

Well, I am a Cuban.
But hath not a Cuban eyes?

Hath not a Cuban hands?

Organs? Dimensions? Senses?
Affections? Passions?

Fed with the same food?

Hurt with the same weapons?

Subject to the same diseases?

Healed by the same means?

Warmed and cooled by the same
winter and summer as you are?

If you prick us,
do we not bleed?

If you tickle us,
do we not laugh?

If you poison us,
do we not die?

I also considered auditioning
for the Actors Studio.

Why does every fighter
become an actor?

Just once, I'd like it
the other way around,

if for no other reason than to see
Chevy Chase get his butt kicked.

You can't fight. You can't
take a chance like that.

I have to.
I need the money for school.

What about your hands?
What if something happens to your hands?

They'll be fine. And after
tomorrow, I'll never fight again.

Or never play the violin again.

Excuse me.
Are we back to real life?

Or are the two of you performing
a scene from Golden Boy?

Ladies, I've spent years
working with this boy,

watching him turn into
a masterful musician.

You yourselves have heard
how he makes the violin sing.

But his fate is in your hands.

Please... Please don't make him
step into that ring tomorrow.

You mean and lose all our money?
Yes.

That's the most touching thing
I've ever heard.

I don't know what to say.
I do.

Fat chance, grandpa!

Oh, no! What's everybody doing up?
We settled this.

The Kid wants to fight,
and we need him to fight.

There's no problem here.
Everybody back to bed.

Ma, stop that.

We have to consider this
very carefully.

We could be holding
the man's fate in our hands.

I once held a man's fate
in my hands.

I'm shocked.

It was back in high school.

I was dating the quarterback
of the football team.

All the major colleges
were trying to recruit him.

I was pretty sure he was
leaning toward Notre Dame

'cause he asked me
how to spell it.

But secretly,
I was hoping for Alabama.

Going to Notre Dame would put such
a wrench in our relationship,

with all those priests
skulking about the campus.

Anyway, one night, he told me
he'd finally made his decision.

He was gonna enroll at the little junior
college just 5 miles outside of town.

When I said, "Honey, why?
They don't even have a football team,"

he answered by slipping a ring on
my finger and proposing marriage.

well, I could not believe it.

I sat there for almost half an
hour just staring at that ring.

Finally I said, "Honey, this will not do.
I cannot accept this ring."

Because you loved him too much to
stand in the way of his career.

No, because it was
a piece of cheap glass,

and the band was turning
my finger green.

Well, no matter
what your reasons were,

you obviously made
the right decision.

He probably went on to a very
successful career in football.

Actually, he was so crushed
by my rejection

that he gave up football
and turned gay.

You don't "turn gay.
" You're either gay, or you're not.

You had nothing to do with it.

Dorothy, if he had
been gay before,

he would have had
better taste in jewelry.

That sure convinced me. Let's get some shut-eye.
It's almost fight time.

Oh, Ma!

Dorothy, I'm not asking
the Kid to win.

He has to step in the ring,
and we make our money.

Sophia, if he steps in the ring,
he might hurt his hands.

Unless it turns out
that he's so bad

that he gets knocked out
before he can throw a punch.

Is everybody thinking
what I'm thinking?

That that was
a really mean thing to say.

As a general rule, Rose,

you should not be
the first to answer.

Rose, if we can convince Pepe

just to show up there
and get knocked out,

everybody'll get
what they want.

What if he won't go along with that?
We'll talk him into it.

There's no shame
in taking a dive.

In Sicily,
it's a time-honored tradition.

Pepe, could we have
a word with you?

There's something
we'd like to discuss.

Can it wait? Right now, I've
got a few things on my mind.

Like that big sucker
over in the other corner?

That's right
at the top of the list.

We want to talk about your fight strategy.
We have an idea.

Yeah? What do you
want me to do?

Fall down.
What?!

They want you to take a dive.
Ma!

It wouldn't be a dive, exactly.

Just protect your hands
by not using 'em.

If you get knocked out,
you get knocked out.

I can't do that.
It's immoral. Immoral?

What's so moral about two guys
standing up in the ring

beating each other bloody?

It just isn't fair.
To whom? To the gamblers?

Gambling is illegal
in this state.

Besides,
you're such an underdog,

even Benny the Weasel
won't give odds.

I overheard that at bingo
the other night.

This way, everybody wins, and nobody gets hurt.
What's wrong with that?

All right, I'll do it.
Great!

(Gonzales) Hey, Pepe,
your mother's a tramp!

I'm gonna kill you, Gonzales.
(bell rings)

It's a good thing he doesn't play trumpet.
His lip looks like meat loaf.

Just relax. Don't be nervous.
I'm not nervous.

Are your hands all right? They're fine.
He never threw a punch.

That's all behind you now, Pepe.
This is the moment you wanted. Good luck.

Before I start this piece,
I just have one question to ask.

Do I play the violin?

Oh, no.

I'm afraid I can't remember
the piece I'm supposed to play.

Look, this happens
sometimes after a fight.

Can I come back tomorrow?

I'm afraid not. You won't be
eligible again until next year.

Jeez, I can't believe
I blew it.

Pepe, it's not your fault.

They are not going to
give you another chance

because you're Cuban.

Huh?

(all) Because you're Cuban.

Ohh...

Because I'm Cuban.

But hath not a Cuban eyes?

Hath not a Cuban hands?

Organs? Dimensions? Senses?

Affections? Passions?

Fed with the same food?

Hurt with the same weapons?

Subject to the same diseases?

Healed by the same means?

Warmed and cooled by the same
winter and summer as you are?

If you prick us,
do we not bleed?

If you tickle us,
do we not laugh?

If you poison us,
do we not die?

Brilliant!
Absolutely brilliant!

That was the finest audition
for the acting school

that we've seen all week.
Congratulations.

I'm so glad Pepe has the
opportunity to be an actor.

Why? When was the last time
you saw a Cuban Macbeth?

He'll get out of school
and spend his whole career

getting arrested
on TV cop shows.

Ma, you don't see the bright
side of anything, do you?

No. But I can fake a smile.

Congratulations, Pepe.
I'm so happy for you.