Original subtitles

-Aww. -What?

Sort of miss the neck brace.

It was like a powerful turtleneck.

You looked like Robert Redford in "The Way We Were."

Well, should I get a cravat?

[chuckles] Well, you can't just go from brace to nothing.

[chuckling]

So, all good?

Yeah, I got the all clear.

Got the clean full bill of health.

You know, she even said that my weight loss

has made my penis look bigger.

Did you tell her about the bed sweats?

Yeah, she wasn't worried about that.

Really?

Did you tell her how it soaks the whole bed now?

Does she not think that's weird and gross?

She didn't use those words.

Did you show her the brown thing that just grew on your leg?

Uh, first of all, it's beige,

and does it bother you that I've been declared healthy?

No, it doesn't bother me that you're healthy.

It's great.

It's just interesting that you could spend 40 years

inhaling sausage rolls

and get rewarded with a clean bill of health.

That's, you know, well, good for you.

Well, you should get a check up.

I'm fine.

Well, how do you know? I mean, you look fine,

but it could be a mess in there.

[laughs]

What are you laughing at?

No, I was just thinking, you know,

one day, each of us is gonna go to the doctor,

and be told, "I have extremely bad news."

Jesus Christ!

You know, I think I'm gonna train for a 10k.

Do you want to join me?

-No. -Why?

You fart when you run.

Well, if you ran faster,

then you wouldn't have to huff 'em, slowpoke.

Slowpoke? Oh, my God.

I totally run faster than you.

Mm, no, you don't.

This is ridiculous!

This is silly.

I'm wearing heels.

And carrying a bag.

I wasn't even trying.

Now I'm trying!

♪♪

I had no idea I was so healthy.

I'm thinking about competing in a Masters tournament or something.

I don't think you qualify for Masters tournaments

just by being old.

I think you also have to be good at sport.

Well, their loss.

I had the full check up myself

a few weeks back.

Tanya wants to start trying for a baby.

I figured if I do it right now, immediately,

then there's probably just enough time for me

to watch it grow up before I run out of steam.

If there's any hiccups, I'm fucked.

Wow. Now, why would you do that?

'Cause she wants a baby.

I already tried to tell her to do it with somebody younger,

but she likes me.

And, you know, she's got a good career,

and her folks have money, so, you know,

if I get Alzheimer's or assassinated,

then her and the wee one should be all set.

Mm, you really thought this through.

Plus, Tanya's on board for all my sexual proclivities,

and that is not a given for every woman I meet.

[scoffs] Tell me about it.

Dave and I'll start a prayer circle for you.

No, no. I support older dads.

I mean, I'm in my late 40s. I've just had a baby.

I know I'm not as old as you, but--

I'm the same age as you, asshole.

Really?

Oh! Hey. That reminds me.

I've got something to show you.

Is that what we're eating right now?

[laughing]

No. That is Mr. Barnaby Honeypot.

Daphne's new pony.

Did you ride it here?

Is it tied to a post out front?

[chuckles] No. It's on our farm.

Oh! We bought a farm. In Kent. Yeah.

I bought it because I don't want Daphne

getting stabbed to death in London.

[chuckles] I'm such a dad now.

Actually, we're going down this weekend.

You guys want to come? You can bring the kids.

-Fuck yeah. -I can't this weekend.

Tanya and I are taking some mushrooms

and going to a Renaissance fair in Norfolk.

What?

SHARON: I mean, I feel pretty healthy.

I feel good.

Except for the peeing myself thing.

I mean, it used to just happen when I was trampolining,

and now it's just whenever.

As needed.

Is there anything we could do about that?

God, no. We're probably closer to curing cancer

than figuring out how the hell mothers not pee when they don't want to.

Oh.

So, we've got your tests back.

I'm afraid your cholesterol level

is quite high for a woman your age.

You sure? My cholesterol feels fine.

Also, your bloods are indicating a high level of fat

around your organs.

Uh, and I have to say, your mobility isn't great.

What? What does that mean?

Uh, you couldn't touch your toes earlier.

Some people just can't do that.

I mean, it's like wiggling your ears. Or moon walking.

But the good news is, your weight is within

the healthy limit for your age and height.

So you're saying the package is the right size,

but what's inside the package is just shit.

-No. -You're saying if you took a normal size mannequin

and filled it with meatballs and margarine,

-that'd be me. -That's not what I'm saying.

Well, medically, that is exactly what you're saying.

Fine.

SHARON: Just never thought of myself

as unhealthy before, 'cause I'm, you know, a runner.

-How are you a runner? -[knocking]

I used to run cross-country at uni.

Yeah, I mean, I used to build pillow forts,

that doesn't mean I'm currently an architect.

Yeah, but... muscle memory.

Hey.

-Are you going raving? -No, running.

Oh, what, so I'm babysitting so you can go running?

-Yeah. -Fair enough.

-[door closes] -ANNA: You know, you should be careful.

My Uncle Kevin, right, he started running when he was your age,

like 60 or whatever,

he did one run and collapsed and died.

Well, that's unlikely to happen.

Older people are better off standing still, I think.

Like, you get to a certain age, and you start exercising,

you shake bad stuff loose and it gets in your bloodstream,

and it poison's ya,

and you just drop dead straightaway.

Okay, see you about half-seven, Anna.

Thank you.

How far was that?

-Uh, 2.3 miles. -What?

-Miles. -Yeah.

Wow, bloody hell.

-That's good. -Yeah.

We're gonna tube back there, right?

Oh, yeah.

That's so fuckin' dangerous.

[engine revving]

What if a kid ran out?

Tell 'em to slow down.

Slow down.

[engine revving]

Ahh! Ahh!

-Ohh! -What the hell just happened?

Oh, God, my eyes! [groans]

Oh, my God, it's acid.

What? Rob.

-Oh, God! Oh! -Rob!

Oh, wait.

It tastes like juice.

It-- No, it's ju-- It's just juice.

Ahh.

[groans]

Bloody hell! That was a bit dramatic.

Oh, really?

Well, you didn't just have acidic juice shot in your face!

[panting] Fuckin' hell.

♪♪

You want to start running with me?

Not really. Why?

Because I've got fatty organs.

And Rob won't run with me anymore

'cause he's scared of London.

I don't want to join a gym because of the mirrors.

-And the people. -Oh, and the smell.

It's like every breath you take

has wiggled its way through 20 pairs of sweaty buttocks.

Do you want to come to Military Fitness in the park with me?

-Yeah, yeah, sure, how do I do that-- -[phone beeping]

Fran, I'll call you back, okay?

What's up? Are you all right?

I'm just calling to check that you're okay.

-Have you seen the news? -No. Why?

There was an incident in town.

A guy drove a car into a crowd of people

in front of the M&M store.

No, that was me.

I wanted some M&Ms and I forgot my purse.

Honey, a guy died. Okay? There was a stampede.

It's very upsetting.

Yeah, I'll tell you what's upsetting

is you thought I was at the M&M store.

All right, well, just stay away from that whole area.

What about Kinder Egg Village.

Can I go there?

♪♪

-[fabric ripping] -[gasps]

[grunting]

-Fuck. -[grunting]

[grunting]

[panting]

[grunting]

[panting]

Same time next week?

See you then.

Goodbye, Douglas.

Don't say my name.

♪♪

♪♪

Welcome to paradise!

[laughing]

Wow.

[chuckles]

Through here we have the, uh, kitchen garden.

Every vegetable you could ever need--

uh, carrots...

baby carrots, purple carrots.

Cool.

And this is what sealed the deal

when we were viewing the place.

-SHARON: A sewer? -No, man.

It's a bunker.

You want to get in?

Uh, no. I try never to go in holes.

Caves, holes, tubes. Not really my scene.

Well, you might want to think about it

with the state of the world these days.

I mean, if you have a family,

you really should have a bunker.

-It's something to consider. -[laughs]

We're not getting a bunker.

[baby fussing]

So, do you have Daphne stuck to you all the time?

-Sure. -How do you shower?

Oh, I have a waterproof one.

[laughs]

Dave's a very involved parent.

There's really not much for me to do

outside of flopping out the odd tit.

[chuckles] Hey, it is a pleasure,

and a privilege.

[chuckles] I love being a dad.

It is the highest high of all, am I right?

I don't know, I mean, I feel like having kids

is like strapping yourself to a Formula One race car.

You know? Boom. Your life is over.

But not in a bad way.

Yeah, you just have to take everything you ever wanted,

and put it in a box because... you never...

But, yeah, it's great. You know.

So, you think this could become, like, a permanent move?

-Oh, yeah. -No.

Well, I-- I don't know, I-- I don't know if I want

Daphne growing up in London.

I mean, you slip on a banana peel there,

go to the emergency room,

takes you six hours to get seen because of

all the knife victims lying around

bleeding out all over the floors.

Everyone at this table, including you,

knows that's not true.

I don't know.

I mean, when I was attacked--

With juice.

With what we now know was juice--

Well, we figured it out pretty fast.

All right, well, outside I was screaming,

but inside I was just, like,

"all right, now this." You know?

It's like there's this low level feeling of menace there that,

you know, we've all gotten used to,

but that I never really noticed before the attack.

It was juice!

Look, I don't care if my face gets melted,

-you know, I'm married-- -Hang on, I--

I care if your face gets melted. I have to look at you.

Well, no, all I'm saying is

I care more if our kids faces get melted. You know?

I don't want my kids' faces to get melted.

That's all I'm saying.

Why'd you buy a baby a pony?

♪♪

Wha--

So, Chris and the buxom ingénue

went away for the weekend.

Jeffrey chose to stay with his friend Toby instead of me,

which I find devastating.

-Hm. -So that's something

you've got to look forward to

when your kids get older,

and they throw you out in the rubbish

with the coffee grounds and the fish heads.

He'll come back to you.

It's probably just a phase, right?

Yeah. Anyway,

got my volunteer work.

Got my loom.

Douglas is keeping me occupied.

Texting me like an eager puppy

since we started our little game.

Puppy with a throbbing human penis.

Oh, Jesus, Fran!

MAN: Good job. Good job.

It's a little bit "Apple Tree Yard," isn't it?

So? [exhales]

The sex is like, mmh!

Everything about him, I mean, physically, is just--

Even his scrotum's attractive.

How can you say that?

The scrotum's a design flaw.

You ask ten women what the worst thing

they ever saw in their life was,

for eight of them, it would be scrotum related.

Well, I like what I like. I don't follow the herd.

MAN: All right, girls, we're not here to talk.

Green 12, squat jumps the length of the cones.

Green seven, you can skip.

[scoffs]

Engage your core while you skip.

-What? -Engage your core.

-Yeah. -Yeah?

Flex it!

-Tighten it! -I am!

[grunts] Fucking hell!

Can you make it harder than that?

-No! -Okay.

Green 12, you can start skipping.

Green seven, burpies.

[grunting, panting]

[camera shutter clicks]

What are you doing? Why are you taking photos?

For our Facebook page.

Well, hang on. Just let me--

Okay.

♪♪

ROB: His face was blurry

'cause he was on a mo-ped,

and, you know, I had juice in my eyes.

-Right. -Yeah.

And I don't want to sound bigoted, but he was brown.

Um, Mediterranean brown, not like Muslim brown.

Um, I mean, I can't say that he wasn't Muslim,

but I don't care. You know, that's not my angle.

Um, is there a statute of limitations

for a crime like this?

Well, I'm more comfortable calling it a prank.

All right, well, whatever you want to file it under.

Uh, I think I'm gonna file it under juice.

It was juice this time.

I mean, I think it could have been a rehearsal.

Uh, you know, pre-calculated.

I think it might have been a rehearsal for a bigger plan.

You know, they did that for 9/11.

Do you work in security?

No. Pharmaceuticals.

[slurping]

♪♪

[door closes]

Hey.

What are you doing?

I just saw one of those guys from the house next door

that you were worried about.

What guys?

When was I worried about them?

Don't you think there's something up with them?

I mean, who are they?

It's a gang of guys living together.

-They're not gay. -How do you know they're not gay?

I've never seen 'em do one gay thing.

Have you ever seen 'em kiss?

Have they ever seen us kiss?

Okay, here's the thing.

They come and they go.

They have that bright fluorescent light on all the time.

Okay, tell me what it is you think they're doing in there.

I've narrowed it down to two possibilities.

Okay? It's either a weed farm house,

or they're making weapons.

[laughs] Oh, my God!

You need to stop this.

We have to be vigilant.

I reported my attack today to the police,

and they didn't seem to take it seriously at all.

No shit.

You know, we should think about something like Dave set up.

I mean, obviously, a bunker's insane,

but maybe a panic room.

And, not-- not a full panic room,

but maybe some Kevlar curtains,

and, uh, you know, sound proofing.

-Oh, my God! -What?

Jesus, that pisses me off!

Look at the state of me.

You look fine.

Oh, great. Great.

Now I can never trust anything you say ever again.

What the f--

What's a Baba Yaga?

It's like a Russian folklore monster.

It's a thing that lives in the woods and eats kids.

Why are you reading about Baba Yaga?

I'm not, I'm reading a comment under a picture of me.

Why am I purple?

Someone put a purple filter on me.

Oh, come on.

♪♪

-[chuckling] -[door closes]

-Hey, buddy, you're back. -Hey, Dad.

Hi, Jeffrey.

Yo.

If you're hungry, there's Haloumi burgers here.

No, thanks, I've eaten my Haloumi for the year.

[sighs]

[clears throat] How was the show?

My friend LeVar saw it tonight,

he said it was terrific.

Really?

Well, we had to use two understudies,

and one of them improvised the entire second act.

And it tanked.

So who's full of shit, you or LeVar?

Jeffrey.

[scoffs]

I'm going to bed.

[sighs]

That was rude.

Look, I'm sorry things are...

different.

I'm sorry your mom and I split up,

but we were unhappy,

and we didn't want you to be around that.

I was fine.

And you guys might have been miserable,

but at least you were miserable in one place,

our home.

Now you're just miserable in two places.

-I'm not miserable. -Well, you will be,

because there's no way that that is gonna last.

She'll get bored of having an old man boyfriend,

and leave you, and then you'll go running back to mom,

and she won't take you back,

and the next thing you know, you'll be 50, bald, and alone.

I'm gonna be 50 in November.

How am I gonna go bald that fast?

Are you gonna hold me down and shave my head?

I mean, I know you're angry, but I will press charges,

don't you fuckin' think that I won't.

[laughing]

Come here.

♪♪

INSTRUCTOR: Doin' great. Good job.

[panting]

I think, Green 10, if for the rest of the day,

you want to join the beginners?

All right. Got a blue bib.

I'm not a beginner at working out.

I'm gonna stay with my friend.

Okay, but it's not about killing yourself, though.

It's about doing your best, working up a sweat,

having fun.

I'm not here to have fun.

I'm here to get rid of the fat around my organs,

and I'm not joining beginners. Okay?

That's humiliating.

You puked behind the tree earlier.

Let's just see how you get on at a lighter pace.

All right? We don't want you having a heart attack.

[sighs]

Fuck this.

Seriously.

Fuck... this pretend army bullshit!

Let's go, Fran.

I've paid for a block of classes, so I'll be staying.

And you know what?

You can take down those photos

that you put up of me on your website,

because I did not agree to those.

-You posed for 'em. -Yeah.

Because I didn't know you'd be using them to humiliate me.

Did I? Manipulating them, putting joke filters on there.

I didn't put filters on 'em.

Well, somebody put some sort of purple filter on there.

Okay? Like, ha, ha, ha.

Look at this idiot getting ready to have a heart attack.

Look, I know this is tough, okay?

But that's what we're here for.

You can do this.

Six weeks ago, Suzie was in the same shape as you.

Look at her now.

Will you take the photos down?

Will you at least disable comments?

♪♪

SHARON: Called my mum yesterday.

She told me two of my aunties died of heart disease.

Well, you're Irish, so what do you have,

like, 85 aunts?

If only two of 'em died of heart disease,

that's pretty good.

Yeah, but what about my dad?

He died young.

Well, honey, he-- he was 70.

That is-- 70, that's nothing these days.

It's like dying in your 40s.

My parents had me in their 30s.

I had my dad all my adult life.

He knew his grandkids. Sort of.

If I die in my 70s, my kids will barely be 30.

They won't have had kids.

No way, not millennials.

They don't give a shit about anyone.

Well, you can't think like that.

I mean, maybe Frankie will get a girl pregnant when he's 17.

-Well, that would be terrible. -Would it?

I mean, you'd get to know your grandkids longer, so...

[chuckles] I'm just sayin'

nobody knows what's gonna happen.

I just want to live a decent while.

That's all.

I don't want my heart to pack in.

Your heart's not gonna pack in.

And if it does, I'll defibrillate you.

That's not even a big deal these days.

Promise?

[chuckles]

Okay.

[sighs]

Oh, shit! Fuck! I forgot.

Got you something.

-Aww... -I miss the neck brace.

Do you like it? Try it on.

[laughs] Take it off.

[laughs] Seriously, you look like a fisherman simpleton.

Oh, oh. [laughs]

I look like I'm gonna try and sell you

a homemade moon-cup out of the back of my Subaru.

[laughing]

You look like a-- [laughs]

You look like a college poetry teacher

who tells girls he invented the "Me Too" hashtag.

[laughing]

I look like, um,

one of those Dutch guys, you know?

-[laughing] -Who?

Who ride the thing?

-No, which-- -You know, they--

-[chuckles] -No.

Well, I can't think of the, um--

[chuckles] Anyway, it doesn't matter.

[chuckles]

♪♪

[farting]

-That's the guy. -What?

That's the guy who attacked me.

-What are you doing? -Hey!

-Rob-- -Hey, asshole who squirted juice in my face.

Who are you callin' asshole?

I'm callin' an asshole an asshole.

-Whoa! -You can't touch me.

-I'm 13. -Wha-- Really?

Well, you're pretty tall for 13.

Maybe you should have thought about that

before you did your acidic juice attack.

What are you doing?

You're still on probation. Plus, they're children.

I realize that now.

I'm just gonna scare 'em.

Wait-- Oh, fuck.

You know, I don't know where the heck you get off--

Uh-- Oh! Oh!

-[laughing] -ROB: Oh, yeah.

Yeah, good one. All right, well, guess what?

I'm not scared this time, because I know that it's--

What is that, pineapple juice?

[chuckles] What are you, a baby?

Why don't you drink an adult juice?

[laughing] Whatever, man,

Let's go.

Did you scare them?

They'll remember me.

♪♪