All language subtitles for Catastrophe.2015.S04E01.WEBRip.x264-ION10.www.RapidMovieZ.com

-Hey.
-SHARON: Uh, sir, your wife
is very drunk.

We've had to remove her
from our establishment,

so now she's on the streets
like rubbish.

-ROB: Jesus!
-Whoa.

-Fucking open your eyes!
-[horn honking]

Oh, my God!

-[glass breaking]
-[tires squealing]

Oh, my God! Rob!

They're gonna give me
a breathalyzer.

Wh-What?

I'm not gonna pass it.

What?

[sniffling]
I'm sorry.

[siren wailing]

MAN: Your offense showed
brazen disregard

for the safety of others.

While you claim custody
would be distressing for you,

incarceration is the only
appropriate response.

Your sentence is one of
six months imprisonment.

You may go down.

[indistinct chatter]

MAN:
District Judge Hickey

presiding the case of
Robert Norris...

You're up. Go on.

-Zip your fly.
-What?

Your fly's undone.
Zip your fly.

Oh, yeah, no,
it's no problem.

MAN: Following
Mr. Norris's arrest,

blood was taken,
and he was found to be

40 milligrams over the limit,
the limit being 80.

-Mr. Norris.
-Judge Hickey.

Call me "Sir."
We're not in Kansas.

Sir Hickey,

when I was six years old,
I watched my father--

We don't have time for your
autobiography, Mr. Norris.

Right. May I approach
the bench?

I don't see a bench.

Okay, I accept
full responsibility
for my misdemeanor--

Crime.
Uh, but this incident

was entirely
out of character for me.

I was in a very
difficult place emotionally,
Your Honor, Sir,

as it had not been long
since I found out that...

uh, my wife had masturbated
off a young student,

uh, a college boy,

on-- on the roof of
a nightclub.

♪♪

I'm sorry.
I just thought if I could

deflect some of
the stink onto you--

300 years ago, if you'd have
pulled that crap,

I'm the one who
would have been sent down.

With a scarlet letter
on me.

300 years ago,
you were supposed to
drive drunk.

What, on your mule?

Your mule.

Want to drive?

Oh, shit. Sorry.
Forgot.

Not allowed to because
you're a drunk driver.

-And a fugitive.
-I'm not a fugitive.

I turned myself in.

[laughs]
You didn't turn yourself in.

If you could have run away
from the scene of the accident,

I'm a hundred percent
confident you would have.

You wish you were a fugitive.

You were arrested,
so you're a criminal.

Criminal in a neck brace.

What a fucking catch.

♪♪

I mean, I feel like
I'm under surveillance
with Sharon now.

You know?
It's like I never had
much privacy before,

but now it's like
Stasi level.

What's Stasi?

East German secret police.

Well, at least
she gives a shit.

Most women would have
flown the coop after that stunt.

That's true, but
it's still menacing.

-And you haven't drunk since?
-No.

Why not?
I mean, what's changed

other than that pussy
magnet around your neck.

Honestly, the only thing
that's changed

is that I now know that
my drinking could kill someone

other than myself.

I mean, I didn't care
if I got hurt,

but I don't want to kill
any civilian bystanders,

or my kids.

Well, you may not have cared
if you got hurt,

but did you think about
how lonely I'd have been
without you,

you fat cunt?

Can we talk about anything
other than me?

With pleasure.
Let's talk about me.

-How's your new girlfriend?
-Oh, I don't know, mate.

It's movin' at warp speed
over here.

She wants to move in,
got us a family membership
at the gym,

which was like,
whoa, there, Nelly.

-What's her name?
-Nelly.

-Really?
-No, it's Tanya.

Hey, do you want to meet her?
What are you doing this weekend?

[sighs]
I have community service
for the next 215 weekends.

At a fuckin' charity shop.

Christ. It's humiliating.

Yeah. It's probably
less humiliating

than having to ask
a judge's permission

to go to your
wife's funeral

because you backed over her
in the driveway, though, right?

-Yeah.
-Okay, have a great weekend.

♪♪

[car horn honks]

How did you even know
I was here?

You told me.
Or it was in your calendar.

I forget.
Who cares.

[car door opens]

Honey, I'm on probation
from the state,

and they're doing
a pretty good job.

I'm accounted for.

You need to stop
following me.

Don't say it like that.

Like I'm obsessed with you
or something.

This isn't
"Fatal Attraction."

This is just--
There's 25 pubs between
here and our house

that I can't trust you
to walk past

because you're
a secret alcoholic.

I'm not a secret alcoholic.

I told you that
the night we met.

Okay, then a lying alcoholic.

This is inconvenient
for me too, you know.

Seriously, why are there
so many pubs around here?

Don't we have zoning laws?

It's like Pub, JD Sports,
Pub, Bike Shop,

Pub, William Hale,
Pub, Pratt, Pub, Pratt Pratt.

Pub, Pratt!

♪♪

So, how did you guys
get into the whole

cerebral palsy charity scene?

My daughter has
cerebral palsy.

Oh. Oh, great.
Er-- I mean,

it makes sense
that you would--

I have cerebral palsy.

Hey, have-- have you guys
ever seen, um,

"Last Comic Standing"?

Do you guys
watch that show?

A cerebral palsy guy
did that,

and he won the whole thing.

Because, as you know,

people with cerebral palsy
can do anything.

I can't drive.

Well, neither can I.

[indistinct chatter]

Yeah.

Any chance I can put
my appropriate weight son
on there?

Fuck sake.

You can get on
the slide instead.

Go on there.

[sighs]

[phone rings]

Hello.
Cerebral Palsy Busters.

Do you want to
take us for lunch?

I need a drink.

[sighs]
I don't know if I can.

They run kind of
a tight ship here.

Nothing happens
in charity shops.

Just ask them if you can
pop to Greg's

for a fucking
sausage roll.

Well, I had Greg's
for breakfast.

What? You ate breakfast
at home.

Yeah, but then I,
you know, I passed one, so...

-Just ask them.
-Okay. Jesus. Hang on.

Sorry. Uh, excuse me.

Hi, um, that's my wife
on the phone,

and she's wondering when
my lunch hour is,

um, 'cause she's on her own
with the kids.

Oh, we don't take
a lunch break.

We just bring
sandwiches in,

in case there's
a lunch time rush.

Okay.

Yeah, it's not happening.

Listen, why don't you
take the kids somewhere
nice for lunch,

you know,
treat yourself.

Yeah. Okay.
Because, as we both know,

lunch somewhere nice with
two loud, dirty children

under the age of four
is a real fucking treat.

See you at home.

I have my AA meeting tonight.

-Again?
-Well, I mean,

you don't really graduate
from alcoholism.

So I'm supposed to watch
"Game of Thrones" on my own.

Like a pervert.

-Well, I--
-Fine.

If anything designer
gets donated by mistake,

put it aside for me,
okay? Bye.

♪♪

FRAN: Have you thought about
a bit of therapy?

Yeah, I mean,
we've thought about it,

but we don't really want to
hear our terrible problems...

out loud.

Chris always likened therapy
to taking a shit.

Better to do it in
a therapist's office

than stink up your own home.

I can only shit at home.

Well, whatever works for you.

Can't be easy being married
to a criminal.

Where's Jeffrey today?

He's moved out.

Moved in with Chris.

Turned down a role
in a Vin Diesel movie

to do "Twelfth Night"
at the theater.

God, that's rough.
Sorry to hear that.

[sighs]
We fell out.

But I'm quite happy
on my own

in my bachelorette pad.

[chuckles]

I haven't put a bra on
before 4 p.m. all week.

Aw. [chuckles]

♪♪

Hello.

Rob, right?

Right. Thank you for--

Oh, finish your biscuit.

Just wanted to say that...

I realized while you were
sharing about your accident

that I was there,
on Metro Street.

I was actually there
that night.

-You were there?
-Yeah.

I'm so relieved
you're okay.

I'm not telling you this
to make you feel bad,

but, um, I had to go to
the hospital too that night.

I got some of your windscreen
in my leg.

Some glass splintered
and cut me,

if you can believe it.

Oh, I had no idea anyone--

I'm so sorry.

Don't worry about it.

I'm just glad you
found your way here.

A lot of people don't.

For me, it was
losing my husband.

He died five years ago
next week.

I was blacked out as usual.

They think I probably
knocked over a candle.

They got me out,
the fireman,

but they didn't
reach him in time.

Oh, God.

Jesus, I'm sorry.

Oh, thank you, love.

Oh, yeah, and you said
in your share

that you'd been listening to
a lot of Radiohead.

Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.

Try to get better.
Okay?

Not wank off to your
little man feelings.

See ya next week.

♪♪

SHARON: [sighs] Jesus.

So was he, like, cooked
or was it smoke inhalation?

I don't know.
I'll ask her next time.

So what age is she?
What'd she look like?

Mm, uh, 35, 60.

She looked sort of mousey.
Mouse-like.

She looked like she was
transforming into a mouse,

and then got interrupted
mid-spell.

[laughs] Wow.

So you've been thinking
about her a lot?

Well, it's just
I feel responsible.

Well, there's probably
a statute of limitations
anyway, right?

It's not a rape.
She just cut her leg.

If she was hurt,

then of course we should
help her in some way.

All I'm sayin' is...

was she really hurt?

She had to go to
the hospital.

Had to? Come on.

And also, you know,
you go out at 11:30

on a Saturday night
in London,

you might get some glass
in your leg,

so whose fault is it really?

♪♪

SHARON: I think we've
seen it all now, yeah?

Let's go and get some nosh--

What?

Can I have this?

Don't you have one of those?

-No.
-Give me a look.

Oh, come on.

Let's have a look
in that bin.

Look at those guys.

Huh?

How about this little fella?

I want Daddy.

[sighs]

[sighs]

♪♪

Let me look at it.

What's that?

♪♪

-WOMAN: Hello.
-SHARON: Gonna get this.

-WOMAN: Yeah?
-SHARON: Thank you.

♪♪

[exhales]

Excuse me, uh,
we're gonna be closing soon,

and-- Oh, hey.
Amanda?

I was just at Vizio
around the corner,

and I remembered you saying
you're working here.

Thought I'd drop in
and say hi.

And-And--
And get this.

Oh, just so you know,
I inventoried that earlier,

and somebody's replaced
the bishops

with Monopoly hotels.

I guess just remember
bishop-hotel,

and you should be fine.

[chuckles]

Fuckin' plastic bag.

You look stressed.

Um... it's just--

You know,
I feel guilty that

my wife is looking after
the kids,

and I'm here folding doilies.

Oh, well, look.
Think about it this way.

At least you didn't
burn your house down

while your husband was in it.
[chuckles]

-Wow.
-I'm joking.

I mean, I'm not joking.
That happened,

but I always think,
what would God want me to do?

Flagellate myself in my basement
for the rest of my life,

or come to places like this
and help people like you?

You have to forgive yourself.

I forgive you.

[muttering]

Are you okay?

I guess it's just--

A little dizzy.

Skipped lunch earlier,
and between that and my leg,

I, uh--

Could you possibly
walk me home?

It-- It's really not far.

I-- Could I call you
a taxi instead?

It's just I've been gone
all day.

I really need to get home.

No. It's okay.
I-- I get car sick.

It-- It's fine.
I'll manage.

Bishop-hotel.
[chuckles]

♪♪

[door opens]

What were you doing
in Dalston?

-What?
-Did you go drinking?

[sniffing]
Did you go drinking
under the bridge?

Wha-- No!

The lady with the limp
asked me to walk her home.

You walked "the glass
in her leg" lady home?

-Well, I couldn't say no.
-Oh, my God.

Well, her leg was hurting.
What do you want me to do?

I want you to stop
farting your guilt

onto some lady who's
taking you for a ride,

by the way,
I can feel it.

Seriously, you need to
get some advice on this,

because this is gonna
end badly.

You need to talk to a lawyer.

Get them to send
a cease and desist letter.

Cease and desist from
asking me to walk her home?

Do not get caught up
in her shit, Rob.

-Don't go there again.
-Fine!

And seriously,
why am I dragging kids

around fuckin' museums

when you're working as
an escort?

Honestly, it'd be easier
if you'd just...

lived in China
than this shit.

Spend what little time you have
when you're not, like,

getting arrested or
having probation hearings
with your family.

She's a fucking fire widow that
I injured in a car accident

that I'm trying to help out,

and who has
a shaving of sympathy for
what I'm going through.

[scoffs]
Oh, please.

How did you know
I was in Dalston?

-Find My Phone.
-What?

The app thing.

You need to stop
surveilling me.

Okay? I'm not planning
a bank robbery.

I'm goin' to AA,
I'm working in a charity shop,

plus my real job,

and I'm doing
the best I can.

And you're just--
I mean, it's like

"Making a Murderer"
up in here.

Are you trying to drive me
back to the bottle?

[chuckles]
Oh, my God!

Now I've heard it all.

Does that make you feel good,

blaming it on me?

It feels great.

[sighs]

Those are for Frankie's lunch.

Really.

Did he pay for 'em?

[slurping]

Or did I?

Oh, my God.

♪♪

The receipt's in the bag.

Have a good day.

-Hi.
-WOMAN: How are you?

Yeah, good,
just gonna grab those.

[clears throat]

[beep]

It's just--

[clears throat]

Um, just a minute.

That isn't the right price tag
for this pair.

Hm?

That's the wrong
price tag.

Is it?

Did you swap the tag?

Why would I swap a tag?

Because these cost
150 pounds more.

Really.

Well that's... aggravating.

-Do you still want them?
-Yes, I still want them,

that's why I'm buying them.

But I'd be grateful if
you could sort it out
and find the right tag.

You have the tag.

What?

[clears throat]

I can only think that

my son must have
swapped the tags
because--

Your son picked out
a waist 27 jean?

[scoffs]
You know what?

I don't know how
this happened.

I know how it happened.

But y--
What's the big deal?

Really? You know,
because next month

they're gonna be on sale
for that price anyway.

Oh, I'm sorry,
do you work here?

Because most of the time
it's the fuckin' owners

who determine if there's
a sale on.

Was it worth it?
To get some cheaper jeans?

They're probably gonna be
too tight on you anyway.

-Pardon?
-You heard me.

You know, I could call
the police.

And you think they're gonna
put you in some nice lady cell?

Because you're a nice lady?

There's no such thing.

And you know where they go?

If you get arrested?

Well, they don't go with you.

Sir, my husband's
an alcoholic.

My children
don't have a father...

this weekend.
And it's just--

just really hard.
It's really hard right now.

♪♪

[cell phone chimes]

[door bell rings]

-Yeah?
-Oh, uh--

Is Amanda--

See, I've got, uh--

I'm sorry, are you
a friend of hers?

No. I'm her husband.

♪♪

[buzzing]

Hello.

H-- Oh.

Is Rob there?

No, he left his phone here.

And a large Burger King bag.

Um, hold on.

There's an
orange Fanta in it

and some socks.

-Where is he?
-I don't know.

He left about an hour ago.

He left--

Okay, thanks.

♪♪

I left the money for the--
on the--

♪♪

Rob?

Rob!
Rob!

[grunting]
Ah!

-FRANKIE: Mommy.
-[cell phone rings]

[panting]

[groans]

ROB: I'm so sorry.

I had to pick up my phone
from the charity shop,

and then by the time I--

[panting]

Okay.

I'm okay.

♪♪

SHARON: Can I help you?

Oh, uh, I was
looking for Rob.

Oh, he's-- he's not home.
He's--

May I, uh, come inside
and wait for him?

Um...

Do you know what?
Let me get

the push chair inside.

Uh, you-- you know,
actually, um--

Let me give him a call,

because, uh,
I can tell him that--

Hey! What the hell?

Did she hurt you?

What? No, I fell over.

You cannot come here.
You cannot come to my home.

Why are you angry?
I don't understand.

I just met your husband.
Okay? Your alive husband.

You know, you might not
get jail time

for burning somebody
in a bullshit story,

but you should
at least get a fine.

I mean, are you even
an alcoholic?

Is your name even Amanda?

It's probably fuckin' Joan.

You called it.
My smart wife.

She fuckin' knew.

Rob, maybe we could
talk about this
somewhere in private.

Never come near me
and my family again

unless you want to take
another trip to the hospital.

That's too much.
Come on.

I'm sorry. Okay?
I didn't mean that.

I'm sorry.
Have a good evening.

♪♪

I'm sorry.

Yeah, you should be.

Because that scared everyone,
me, limp lady, the kids.

And the neighbors.

Mike Walsh just called
and asked if we were okay.

-What'd you tell him?
-I told him to give me back
my cordless drill.

[laughs]

I am sorry.

Can I ask you something?

Were you unhappy
the whole time?

Like when we had
that weekend in Margate.

Were you unhappy
in Margate?

What about when we went to
Whipsnade Zoo?

Were you drinking in
Whipsnade Zoo?

No, why-- why would I--

Well, you weren't happy.

You didn't love being
a dad and a husband enough

to not drink vodka
in the basement.

Honey, those things
can co-exist.

Did you ever drive with
the kids in the car

when you were drinking?

No, God, no.
I would never--

Oh, so just with me, then.

[sighs]

Honey, I-- I need you to
try and trust me again.

Just so you don't
worry or panic

when you don't know
where I am,

and feel like you
have to track me.

I'm not doing that
'cause I don't trust you.

Well, then, why are you?

Because I get scared
when I can't see you.

Okay?

I had to look at you
in the mangled wreck
of a car.

From the time it took me
to run from that shitty
pizza place to the car,

I thought you were dead.

Oh, honey.

Ah--

Just don't die on me.

The kids would be fucked
if you die first.

Well, I mean,

they'd be way more fucked
if you died first.

Don't know about that.

I don't feel like
much of a mother right now.

I got caught stealing today.

From a shop.
With the kids.

Like a meth head.

Might have got arrested.

Why are you laughing?

Because that's like
a garden variety cry for help.

Well, then, help me.

Answer my cry for help.

What'd you steal?

A dinosaur pillow
and a pair of jeans.

Oh, well, then it's just
a matter of time

before the SWAT team
gets here.

[laughs]

Fuck off.

Check out Bonnie
and Clyde here.

[chuckling]

[grunting]

[heavy breathing]

[laughing]

I'm so sorry.

I just-- I--
It's the neck brace.

-Oh.
-I'm sorry. I just--

Shall I turn around
and then you can--

-Uh, sure.
-'Cause then I don't-- Yeah.

[sighing]

[heavy breathing]

Wait, no, sorry, sorry.
Now I can see you in the mirror.

Wh-- Uh--
Should I turn the light off?

Yeah, that'd be great.
Sorry.

Thanks so much.

♪♪