All language subtitles for Brooklyn.Nine-Nine.S06E02.WEBRip.x264-ION10

- So,

two keys, huh?

That's a lot of snow.

- And if you can't handle it,

we're happy to find
someone who can.

- Don't worry about me, friend.
I can handle it.

Marissa, baby,

go get our guests
something to drink, would you?

- We don't want a drink.
- What is this, a social call?

- It's not a tea party.
- We look like

five-year-old girls to you?
- Gentlemen, please.

Have some patience.

Two keys.

Pure as a Catholic schoolgirl.

Did you bring the cash?

- Oh, we brought something
much better than cash.

- What is that?
- Our guns!

- NYPD!
You're under arrest!

- Boss man's gone.
Where'd he go?

Thank you kindly,
little lady.

Gio Costa,

you're under arrest.

- You want that drink now,
Hitchcock?

- Don't mind if I do, Scully.

Don't mind if I do.

- What the hell, Diaz?

You trying to make
your heart explode?

- I'm loading up on coffee
because it's a pain in the ass

getting to the kitchen now,

and I don't want
to come back here.

- Is this about the desks?

- Yes, Terry,
it's about the desks.

How long is Commissioner Kelly
going to punish us

because Captain Holt complained
about him to the mayor?

- I don't know, but I hope
it ends soon.

Terry's shoulders weren't built
for tight spaces.

It's bonk city in here!

- I've said "excuse me"
more times this morning

than I have in my entire life.

Twice!

- Jake.
- Rosa.

- Good morning.

- Oh, my.
We are very close together.

- I love it.
Hey,

you know how I've always wanted

to have another child?

Well, it's happening!

- Genevieve is pregnant?

But I thought your "meh-err"

no longer made "whoo-oo."

- Correct.
My testes no longer make sperm.

- I was good with "meh-err"
and "whoo-oo."

- No, we're thinking
of adopting again.

We just got an email

from Nikolaj's
15-year-old brother

in Latvia that he's never met.

Yeah, his name is Dragomir.

- Oh, my God.

That is a 42-year-old
fur trapper.

- What?
You don't see the resemblance?

- Yeah, to Matisyahu.
There's no way he's 15.

- Well, then, how come he wrote
that his greatest fear

is "going through puberty"?

- Probably because
he wants you to think he's 15

so you'll adopt him.

Look, Charles,
I hate to say this,

but I think this guy
is scamming you.

- Come on.
You're just suspicious

of everyone.
- Jake!

Charles!

Captain wants to see you!

I cannot get through
this room anymore,

so I'm yelling everything now.

Nancy, Captain said you can

go to your psychologist
this morning.

You're clear!
Get your head right.

- Gentlemen,
we have a situation.

Scully and Hitchcock just got
a call from Internal Affairs.

They're interested
in a case of theirs from 1986.

If you ask me, this old case
is only coming up now

because the commissioner
is trying

to drum up a scandal
in the Nine-Nine.

- And take out your two
best detectives in the process.

- You're not
my two best detectives.

- Oh, that's such a relief.

I feel so much safer now.

- Good lord.
- Don't interfere

with IA's investigation.
Just find out

what actually happened

in case Kelly is trying
to manipulate the facts.

Can you do that?

- Oh, so you're asking
if we can open a portal

to the wet and wild 1980s

to investigation
the bizarre lives

of these magnificent dodos?

I believe it was
a young Barack Obama

who said "Uh, yes, we can."

- Ooh, sorry.
Sorry.

Sorry.
You want to see me, sarge?

- Yeah.
I know we're all

sort of crammed together
in here,

but we were kind of thinking

that your uniformed officers

are, uh, causing some problems.

- Oh?
Like what?

- How do I put this tactfully?

- Your squad turned the kitchen
into a cesspool,

nastied up the bathroom,
and made the elevator

smell like a hundred butts.

- Okay, thank you
for your tact, Diaz.

- Well, that's unfair.
Your squad is responsible

for at least 50 of those butts.

- Look, all I'm saying is maybe

you can ask
the downstairs people

to be more--
- Excuse me?

"Downstairs people"?

That's a little offensive.

- Oh, don't get it twisted.

It's just where you came from.

Some of my best friends
are downstairs people.

- Okay, I think you know
exactly what that sounds like,

you upstairs people.

- Oh, thank you
for that nice compliment.

- It wasn't a compliment,
and you know it!

I said it with 'tude.

- Classic downstairs person.

- Wow, you are prejudiced
against the first floor.

I'm taking this up the chain.

- Gina Linetti
spaghetti confetti.

- Gina Linetti
spaghetti confetti.

- Faster.
- GinaLinettispaghetticonfetti.

- Captain Holt.
- Uh, yeah, can't you see

we're in the middle
of something?

- Sorry.
It sounded like you were

just saying gibberish
back and forth.

- Gina is helping me to prepare
for a televised interview.

Since the mayor has yet

to weigh in
on Commissioner Kelly's

"Vigilant Policing" initiative,

I've decided to take
my objections

straight to the people.

- And this gibberish
is actually Gina jargon,

a world-renowned
linguistic system

that worked pretty well
for Ellen Musk.

- Elon Musk.
- Ellen Musk.

- Season one winner
of VH1's "Queen Bitch."

- Sir, isn't going to the press

going to make Kelly
even angrier at us?

- Yeah.
He's already made life here

pretty miserable.
The crowding, the desks,

the downstairs people
treating the bullpen

like a dumpster.

- Ooh, I'm so sorry
for the untidiness, milord.

- That's enough.
I don't have time

for your internecine battles,

and I don't give a hoot

about your
minor inconveniences.

I am trying to fight injustice

and do what is right
for the entire NYPD.

Understood?

- Yes, milord.

- Okay, let's set the scene.

The year is 1986.

"Top Gun" is crushing
the box office,

and the Beastie Boys
have just been issued

their "License to Ill."
- And that's the year

I got felt up
for the first time

under the shirt.
- Always a big moment

in a young boy's life.
All right, tell us

about the case.

- We were working
organized crime,

and we took down
a mafia boss, Gio Costa,

for running cocaine.

- We were the studs
of the Nine-Nine.

- Well, I'm sure "studs"
is a bit of a--

Oh, my God.
I can't believe

I'ma say this, but--

- Meow.

- No, that is not
what I was gonna say,

but honestly, yeah, meow.

No offense, guys, but what
the hell happened to you?

- Are you body shaming us?

- No, I'm personality-shaming
you.

You were so alert and cool
and job-doing.

- So how did you get to Costa?

- We had a CI on the inside

who helped set up a sting.

We took down Costa,

recovered a ton of coke

and three duffel bags
full of cash.

- Seems pretty clear-cut,

but then why would IA
reopen the case?

Unless... they think
it's some sort

of "Freaky Friday" situation
and you guys traded places

with horny singles
in your area.

- It's possible.
- So what happened to the CI?

- Who knows?
It was so long ago.

I mean, I barely remember
how I got to work this morning.

I think there was
an ambulance involved.

- Oh, there was.
- Oh.

- Wait a minute.
Here's a question.

You said you recovered

three duffel bags
full of cash,

and that's what
the evidence logs say as well.

- Yeah.
- So?

- So count the bags.

One, two, three, like you said,

but then take a look
in this mirror behind you,

the one that shows off
your shockingly taut bottoms.

A fourth bag.

- Oh, probably missed it.

- Yeah, you know us.
We're dumb-dumbs.

- But even you wouldn't miss
a giant bag full of cash.

- It was the '80s.
- Police weren't perfect then

like they are today.
- All right, calm down.

We're not accusing you
of anything, right, Jake?

- Kinda was.
- This is crazy!

We're innocent!
- IA is railroading us

like Holt said, and you're
joining in the witch hunt!

- You're fake news!

Sad!

- Yeah, that's definitely
the language of the innocent.

- Okay, so there are
two questions on the table.

First, who was more bang-able,

young Hitchcock
or young Scully?

- Young Hitchcock.
Total smoke show.

- Agreed, but it's close,
and second,

did they steal a big old bag
full of mob cash?

- They said they didn't do

anything wrong.
I believe them.

- When I brought up
the fourth bag,

they stormed out.

- Or, once again, I think

you just can't help
being suspicious

of everyone.
- Oh, my God.

Is that what this is about?
You're mad because I said

the old sea captain
you want to adopt

is scamming you?

- Dragomir is not a captain.
He clubs the fish

in the bottom of the boat.
That's his after-school job.

- Okay, Charles, you are
letting your emotions

cloud your judgment
with Dragomir

and with these guys.

I mean, for all we know,
Hitchcock and Scully

have been playing us for years

like criminal masterminds.

Okay, so maybe not masterminds,

but I'm still going in there
and getting the truth.

All right, guys, let's not
make this

any more difficult
than it has to be.

We know there was
a fourth bag of money.

Where'd it go?
- We told you dorks.

We never saw it.
Now leave us alone.

- I don't think you get
what's happening here.

This is an interrogation,

and it's only gonna end
one way:

with you telling us everything.

- Something funny?

- It's just I don't think
you get what's happening here.

You're locked
in a small, windowless room

with the two of us
one hour after lunch.

- Oh no.
- You want to know

what we ate?

Four-cheese pizza,
double-cheese,

with a side
of cheesy fries, extra cheese,

and a big old slice
of cheesecake.

- But, Scully,

you're lactose intolerant.
- Yeah.

This whole room
is a Dutch oven.

- What the hell is this?

- The downstairs people

keep making a mess
of the microwave.

One of them thought it was cool

to heat up soup
in an uncovered dish.

That's just crazy!
- How do you know

that's our splatter?
There are some

sloppy Susans upstairs.

- I saw it go down.
It was one of you,

so ya banned.
- No way.

This microwave belongs
to the entire precinct,

so I'm nah-banned.

- Actually, turns out,
this microwave

is not precinct property.

Detective O'Shea
brought it from home

back in '98, so...
- Ya banned.

- I went
to visit O'Shea's widow.

- He's dead?
- Big-time.

She is not over it.

Anyway, I got her
to sign a contract

that states the upstairs
has exclusive

microwave rights.

- You bothered a widow
with this?

- Honestly, it wasn't
that awkward for me.

Rosa did it.

- It was rough,
but she signed it,

so ya banned.

- Okay, now that we
can all breathe,

let's try this again,
unless you want to try

and stink up the entire city
of New York.

- Challenge accepted.

- Okay, everyone, be cool!
Be cool!

Just tell me
everything that happened

after the bust.

- I'll tell you what happened.

We were frigging heroes.

Anybody have a trash can?

'Cause Flat Top and the Freak
are bringing in some garbage.

- You guys had
badass entrance lines

and people cheered?

What happened?
Where'd it all go wrong?

- Some things aren't for us
to know.

- Look, guys,
we never had that money.

Here.
We'll prove it to you.

- Those are
our financial records.

- I don't have any retirement.
I don't have any security,

or a car.

I rent most of my clothes.

- We get it.
You're poor.

- I'm not just poor, son.

I'm destitute.

- Definitely not
a wink-able line.

Ugh, look at all
these credit card charges

for Wing Slutz.

It can't be healthy
to eat there this much.

- If you want a diet option,

the Marine Park location
has a blue cheese parfait.

- You guys go all the way
down to Marine Park for wings?

- There's a waitress there
who always gives us

an extra drumstick

in our slut bucket.
- Wait a minute.

Why do you pay
for a monthly parking spot?

- Because it's New York.
It's hard to park.

- Yeah, but he just said
he doesn't have a car.

So what's parked in this spot

you don't want us
to know about?

Could it be
a super-expensive sports car,

paid for in cash?

Nope.

It's just a sketchy old
sex van.

- There is nothing sketchy
about the Beaver Trap.

- Yes, there is.

- In short,
Commissioner Kelly's

new initiative

is a regressive,
wrongheaded return

to the NYPD's darkest days.

How was that?

- Like watching a corpse

wash up on shore, lifeless.

Come on,
you gotta pace it up, okay?

You need to smile more.

Energize the eyes!
Gesticulate!

- You're describing
the behavior of a crazy person.

- Am I?
Because right now,

you can't take your eyes
off me.

- Oh, that must be

the camera crew,
here to set up the remote.

- Oh, but you're not ready.

This is gonna be
like "The King's Speech,"

before he lost all that weight
or whatever.

I haven't seen that movie.
- Oh, it's fine, Gina.

I don't need any tricks.
I've got the truth,

and the truth is all I need

to bring down--

Commissioner Kelly!

Hello.

- So, Hitchcock, what's the
deal with the secret van?

- Oh, nothing.
It's where I sleep

during my divorces.

If this van's a-rocking,

my ex-wife's a-locking--

me, out of her house.

- Catchy.

What are we doing here, Jake?

What are we even looking for?
- Whatever it is

that Hitchcock's trying
to hide from us.

- I'd imagine he'd be hiding
everything in here from us.

It's a van of horrors.
- Yeah, I know.

I saw the bucket
of male body butter,

and her.
But my gut tells me

there's a smoking gun in here.

- It's like you want them
to be guilty.

- I don't.
I just want

to know what happened,
unlike you,

who doesn't
want them to be guilty,

no matter what the truth is.

- I'm not an idiot
just because I have a heart.

- Well, your heart
just might be an idiot,

because voilà!

So many smells.
Shouldn't have gone

for the flourish.
- Wait, is that--

- The fourth bag
from the picture.

Same logo, same stain
under the handle, and...

It's empty.
They're guilty!

- Nuh-uh.
Not necessarily.

I mean, there could be
a very good--

- Damn it.
We're trapped!

We're trapped
in the Beaver Trap!

We're the beavers!

We're the beavers!

It won't budge.

I can't believe we let
Hitchcock and Scully

get the drop on us.

It's like being outsmarted

by a couple of tomatoes.

- I'm the tomato.

I was wrong about them,

and I'm probably wrong
about Dragomir.

I'm too nice.

I let every random jerk

suckle at the teat
of my human kindness.

- Gross.
Now please

hand me that mannequin's leg.

- There were so many
warning signs about Dragomir.

Nikolaj had never heard
of him...

- He's 45.
- He asked for money.

- He's 45.
- He didn't have

a birth certificate.
- He's 45.

- He looked older than 15.
- He's 45.

- Fine.
He was 45.

I'm just a sucker,
trapped in a creepy sex van.

- Don't say that.
It's not true.

You're no longer trapped
in a van.

Oh, crap.
They took our car.

All right, I'll just call them

and beg them
to turn themselves in.

Oh, no.
I left my phone in the car.

I know it's under
one of their butts.

- Ooh, if they have your phone,

we can track
where they're going.

I have "Find My Phone"
set up to track you.

What?
I do that for all my friends,

not just you.

- Show me.

- There's no time!
Look,

they're headed south
on the Belt Parkway.

- Ooh, check what exit
they're taking.

- Marine Park.

both: They're going
to Wing Slutz!

- But how do we get there?
We don't have a car.

- But we do have a van.

- Yeah, we should have taken
a Lyft.

- I feel like a predator.

This isn't our car!

- It's a loaner.
- We respect women!

- I'm still with her!

- So you are doing
a TV interview?

That's cool.
- Why are you smiling?

- 'Cause he's one
of those friendly villains,

like the Verizon guy
who defected to Sprint.

- If you're angry,
come out and say it.

- I'm not angry.
I'm just curious

about what all this means.

It's not often
that one of our captains

makes an unapproved
media appearance.

It's fun.
- I plan on using

this interview to criticize you
and your policies.

- Okay.
That's your prerogative.

- No, don't chuckle.

A frown is
a more appropriate response.

- I like you, Raymond.
- No, you don't.

- I do!
And I just came down here

to tell you that if you
go through with this interview,

I have some real fun ideas

about ways to spice up life
at the Nine-Nine.

- I don't like your threats,
and I don't like

the cheery manner in which
you've chosen to deliver them.

- Well, I'm just a cheery guy.

- You're a snake.
- Okay.

I'm a snake.

- Oh, no, they found us!

- Damn straight, we did.
What were you thinking?

- They obviously
weren't thinking about anyone,

especially the one friend--me--

who had their backs
and believed in them

the whole time!

- Why is the little one
so mad?

- He's going
through something.

Now stand up,
wet wipe your hands,

and put them behind your backs
so we can cuff you.

- Oh, thank God.
I'm so tired of running.

- It's only been an hour.
- Stop.

They didn't do
anything wrong.

- Excuse me, ma'am.
This is police business.

- I know.
I'm Donna, the manager here,

but my real name's
Marissa Costa.

I'm Gio Costa's wife,

and I'm the reason
they're here.

- You were the informant.
- Yeah, I was.

- Marissa's the only reason
we got Costa.

- And our captain
screwed her over.

He wouldn't put her
in Witness Protection.

- So you did take the cash.
You just

didn't keep it.
You gave it to her.

- We come down here
and check on her periodically.

- Yeah, we never spoke,
but if she put an extra wing

in our slut bucket,
it meant everything was okay.

- Wait, so I was right.

Hitchcock and Scully
are good people.

- You bet your nips we are,
skid mark.

- Well,

people are complicated.
These two contain...

multitudes.
- Yeah.

- Hey, guys.

I just wanted to say

that I talked to my squad,

and we're sorry

we've been so disrespectful

of your space.
- Really?

What's going on here?
- Nothing.

We just want
to make things right.

You upstairs people
are really great,

and there's a lot
we can learn from you.

- Well, that is true.
We are pretty great,

and you downstairs people
are gonna figure it out.

You're all right.
- Thanks, Terry.

Truce?
- Truce.

- Now!

- What the hell?

- You thought the microwave
was a mess before?

Well, we just threw
a whole fish in there.

- What happened to the truce?

- The truce was crap.
- You bet it was.

Viva the downstairs people!

- What the hell
was in that fish?

- I don't know.
It's from the Gowanus.

It probably ate
a bunch of batteries.

- Diaz, what is going on?

Commissioner Kelly
is still in my office.

- I'm so sorry.
I didn't know.

We were just having
a minor disagreement.

- Well, can it!

I am struggling
for the very soul

of the NYPD,

so please stop squabbling

over these unimportant things.

- Of course, sir,

but it's not unimportant.

The overcrowding, the desks--

it's affecting morale.

- Jeez, something smells funky.

What happened here?

Uh-oh.
Was it a fight,

because it's so crowded?

I hope nothing else happens

to make everything worse.

- Listen, Kelly,
I'm going to do that interview,

and you can't stop me,
so go ahead.

Cut our budget,
close more of the building,

open other
fake IA investigations

into my detectives.
- I didn't do that.

No, the IA thing--
your detectives

aren't under investigation,

although it's not a bad idea.

Hey, thanks for the suggestion.

- Excuse me.

I need to make a call.

- Okay, thank you, sir.
Hey, guys,

I have something
super important to tell you,

but first, Scully, you have
a Hitler sauce moustache.

- Thank you.
Go on.

- Internal Affairs
isn't actually

investigating your case.

That call you got wasn't real.

- What?
The guy on the phone

sounded legit.
He had a very deep voice.

- If it's not IA, who is it?

- My guess is someone
who wanted us

to lead them to Marissa.

Which, apparently,
we just did.

- That's Gio Costa.
How'd he get out of jail?

- Probably for good behavior.
He had really great manners.

- Yeah, he and his gigantic gun
look like real sweethearts.

- Noice.
- All right,

we gotta get out of here.
Is there a back exit?

- Through the kitchen.
- Great.

All right,
listen up, everybody.

We're NYPD.
If you could all please

head to the back exit
immediately.

Leave the wings, Hitchcock.

- No!

- Look, Jake,
it's the slut sauce!

- It's perfect!
- Hey, guys,

we gotta leave,
and we gotta leave right now.

Charles, let's go.
- Negative.

I count three,
possibly four gunmen out there.

- All right, no one panic.

I'm sure they didn't even
see us come in here.

- We saw you go back there.

- Okay, so I was wrong
about that.

- I'm gonna go around back
and cut them off.

Knock this door down, now.

- All right,
here's the way I see it.

We gotta break out
the back entrance

and get these people
to the van.

Okay, everyone,
just follow my lead.

- No, we got you
into this mess.

We'll get you out of it.
Follow our lead.

- There are armed men
out there.

We don't even have
our bulletproof vests.

- We can use the slut sauce.

- That's insane.
It's not even solid.

The bullets will go
right through it.

- If you don't think
the slut sauce is solid,

then you might want to talk
to my rock-hard arteries.

- We're doing this,
and that's final.

Scully, it's time to sauce up.

- Why'd you stop yelling?
- Look.

- Oh, thank god.

My wife and my dad are here.

I mean, Captain Dad.

I mean, I know who my dad is.

It's you.
Hi, Amy.

- SWAT just cleared out
the dining room.

They got everyone.
- Copy that.

All right, Charles, you can
bring everyone out.

The Nine-Nine is here.

See, everyone, I told you
we had it all under control.

There was no need to panic.

- You're dead, Marissa.

- No!

Are you guys okay?
Did you get hit?

- No.
It hit the tub,

but the bullet
didn't make it through.

- The slut sauce--

it saved you.

- You bet your nips it did,

skid mark.

- Oh, Hitchcock.

You suck, man.

- So I spoke
to Internal Affairs,

and since Hitchcock and Scully
did steal that money,

even though it was
to help someone,

there have to be consequences.

both: Desk duty, desk duty,
desk duty...

- One year of desk duty.

both: Yeah!

- Oh, I mean, oh, no.

- Thanks for getting there
so fast today, sir.

Were you able
to still do your interview?

- He did not.
However, I did so.

The real question is

what are police?

- I'm sorry.
Who are you again?

- They said they've never had
more viewer complaints.

Controversial and loving it.

- Oh.
- Squad, I want to apologize.

I have been acting
as though nothing mattered

except my pursuit of justice,

but seeing my people
in danger today

made me realize
I was being short-sighted.

I do give a hoot.

I give a hoot
about all of you.

- Are we gonna keep saying
"hoots"? Is this forever?

- I pray not.
- I'm gonna keep

pushing back
against John Kelly,

but not at your expense.
- Thank you, sir,

and we're going to stop

bickering
with the upstairs people.

- No, Amy.
We're all upstairs people now.

- Thanks, Terry.

- Mmkay.
I clearly missed

a whole thing there.

Hey, man.
I just want to say

I'm sorry I didn't listen
to you.

I was wrong
about Hitchcock and Scully.

- No, you were right.
I am too trusting sometimes.

I did a little digging
on Dragomir.

Turns out, he's not 15.
He's...

- 103.
- 34.

But the orphanage confirmed

he is actually
Nikolaj's half-brother.

Anyway, we're taking it slow.

In a few months,
he'll come out to visit.

- Hey, thanks for having
our back today.

- These are from the old studs
of the Nine-Nine

to the new studs.
- Aww.

- Nice.
- Nice.

- Well, I think they drank
out of these.

They're half-empty.
- Definitely.

Hitchcock's contact lens

is floating in mine,

which once again
begs the question,

what happened to those guys?

I mean, when did it all
fall apart?

- Hey, Donna, just want
to make sure

you're okay here working at...
Wing Slutz.

- Yeah.
It's a good job,

and I'm excited
about my new life.

Thanks.
- Our pleas.

Well, we're gonna go
hit the gym

for the second time today.
- Wait.

You need some protein
to fuel those hard bodies.

It's on me.
- Ah, what the heck.

One wing can't hurt.

- ♪ Take my breath away

♪ Take my breath away

- Fremulon.

- Not a doctor.
Shh.