All language subtitles for Brooklyn.Nine-Nine.S06E01.WEBRip.x264-ION10

.

- I've just received the email
about whether I've gotten

the job as commissioner.

Well, from the look
on my face, I'm sure

you can guess what it says.

- No. We have no idea
at all.

Just tell us, you monster.

No one noticed
the slight

tension in my labial
commissure?

My lips. I'm smiling.

- Wait, we're allowed to
say "labia" again?

- I got it.

Ohh!

- Labia.
- Commissioner Raymond Holt.

- Labia.
- You gotta stop right now,

Hitchcock.
- We need to celebrate.

Ooh, we need music.

Ooh-ohh, ohh, I brought a
"Jock Jams" CD for the wedding.

- Oh, we didn't talk about
that.

- It was gonna be a surprise.
Our first dance was gonna be

the "Tootsee Roll."

- Oh, no, and we didn't get to
do it.

- I know. All right, nobody
move.

I'm gonna go get the CD.

- I want to thank you all.

What an incredible moment.

30 years of struggle and
sacrifice.

But it was worth it, because I
finally get to read

the ten words I've longed to
hear:

"Raymond Holt, you are not
the"--oops.

I misread the email.

Didn't see the "not."

- So...

- I will not be the new
commissioner.

- ♪ Y'all ready for this

♪

- Jock jam.

Whoo.

♪

Why is on one else dancing?

Did I miss something?

Feels like I missed something.

I'll just keep going until
someone tells me to--

Stop, Jake.
- All right.

♪

- So Captain Holt is taking
another personal day.

In his absence, I will be
running things around here.

- That's not true.
I'm in charge.

- Mm, no, it's gonna be more of
a Westeros free

Who will bend a knee?

- I will.
- Nobody's bending anything.

Let's get started.

- Sarge, is Captain Holt all
right?

He never miss work.

- He said he was at a 49 and
improving at 8.6% a day.

So I guess he'll be in soon.

Now, we have two--

- Guess who just got paid,
y'all.

That's right. We got stacks on
stacks on stacks.

- Whoa. Where's all that cash
from?

- Well, my brilliant wife
found a crazy loophole

called "wedding insurance."

- It's very common.

It's like renter's insurance.

- Oh, my God. Do we have that
too?

- Yes.
- You are a wizard.

- The point is, we are getting
refunded in full,

so we are going on a
super-deluxe, five-star

mega-baller honeymoon.

- So you're not just going to
the Berkshires anymore?

- Screw that crap hole.

It's a dump, and anyone who
goes there is garbage.

- I was gonna take Sharon there
for a romantic weekend.

- Oh, well, congratulations,
ya poor.

I am so sorry.
Money really changes you.

- The resort is called
Posadita Bonita.

And it's in Mexico.

- Great food, great beaches,
and when I say

"Ay caramba" there,
I'll fit right in.

- I don't think so.

Isn't that the place that Gina
is always talking about,

because she gets referral
rewards points?

- Why, yes, it is.

Don't forget to use code GINA30
at checkout.

- It's super intimate
and super fancy.

And when we're there, there's
only one rule.

both: A.B.C.

Always be coconuting.

At all times, we will either be
drinking from, eating,

or wearing a coconut.

- Oh, this place is amazing.

I've never had sex outside the
United States.

What are you thinking about?

- Weirdly, the same thing.

- Whoa.
- Welcome to paradise.

Margarita?
- Yes, I would love one.

But is there any way you could
put it in a coconut?

- It will be my pleasure, sir.

- Oh, thank you.

I requested a ridiculous thing,
and he's doing it.

Quick, think of more stupid
stuff we can ask for.

- Grapes.
Sorry, I panicked.

And I couldn't think of
anything.

- No, no, no, grapes is
perfect.

Excuse me, sir, is there any
way

you could get my wife some
grapes?

- Yes, sir, right away.
- He's running.

He's running for the grapes.

- Here are your drinks

and a lovers' toolbox from a
Mr. Boyle.

- Ah, thank you so much.

We will never open this.

- Oh, my God, Jake, look.

- Yes, the grapes.

Oh, and you brought cheese.

I don't even want cheese.

- No, Jake, in the lounge.

- Ay caramba.

- You can't do that in person.

It's Charles.

Boyle. Your coworker.

- Oh, hey, Charles.

- I just found out that
your mom left my dad.

They're getting divorced.

- Eh, they had a good run.

Fun fact: The average American
marriage

lasts fewer than two days.

- That's not true.
- It doesn't have to be.

It's commentary.

- Well, you know who didn't
think it was a good run?

My daddy, Lynn Boyle.

He's inconsolable.

- Well, I'm sure he'll get over
it.

- No, Boyles don't "get over
it."

It becomes part of us.

It lives within us.
It eats us out.

We have to get them back
together.

- Pass.
- Well, I'm doing it with

or without your help.
- Okay, without.

- Okay, you called my bluff.
It has to be with your help.

And I'm not taking no for an
answer.

- No.
- Okay, you did it again.

Why are you like this?

- I don't know.

- Hey, Sarge, I have a problem,
and I would ask Holt,

but since he's not back...
- You came to Top Dog Terry.

Smart move.

I've been solving problems
all day long.

- Okay, so you know that
meth case I've been working on

for the last two months?

The Department of Sanitation
police want to poach it

from me, because the drugs were
found in a dumpster.

They're saying
it's garbage-related.

- This is an easy one.

Tell them to screw off.

See? Problem solved.

- Yeah, well, I did that,
and they threatened to make

a formal complaint to the
mayor.

- Then just let them have the
case.

Problem solved.

- Terry, I've been working
on it for two months,

and those dummies are gonna
blow it.

- Right. Well, you could
partner up with sanitation.

Problem solved

- Nope. Headquarters won't
allow it

due to budgetary reasons.

- Okay, okay, okay, okay.

- You know, Captain Holt was
writing an instruction manual

for his replacement in case he
was named commissioner.

Maybe he could tell you what to
do.

- That's not necessary.

Top Dog Terry can make
a decision.

Does Top Dog Terry want a
moment to think about it?

- Woof-woof.

- Since the rejection, a great
sadness has enveloped me.

I kept expecting this
dark feeling to pass,

but it's only gotten worse.

- Not getting the job you want
stinks.

In first grade, I was passed
over for line leader,

and I'm still pissed.

Kyle D.'s lines had curves
and gaps and cutting galore.

It was a frickin' carnival.

- Well, it's not just that I
didn't get the job.

It's that John Kelly did.

He's already released
a memo detailing his

"vigilant policing"
initiative.

It's essentially a return
to stop and frisk.

Choosing him is a betrayal
of everything I stand for.

- I feel the same way about
Kyle D.

- I tried to suck it up and go
back to work.

I put on my uniform
and got in my car.

And next thing I knew, I was on
a plane to Mexico.

I didn't even pack a bag.

I bought a bundle of novelty
shirts at a nearby gift shop.

This one says, "What's up,
beaches?"

Instead of "bitches"
for humor reasons.

- But you hate humor.
- Well, I'm a joke now,

so it suits me.

- Mm-kay. But, how did
you end up here in Mexico

at the exact same tiny resort
as us?

- Gina's been talking up
this place up for years.

both: Referral Code GINA30.

- I had no idea you'd be here.

It's fine, sir.

A lot of people go on their
honeymoon with their boss.

Nope, I thought if I said it
out loud

it would normalize it,
but it's weird.

- It's gonna be okay.

How long are you staying, sir?

- Just until I get my head
right.

But don't worry.
I'll steer clear of you two.

You won't even know I'm here.

- This place is so romantic.

- Yeah, and so...intimate.

- Don't worry.
I'm not listening to you.

I'm just thinking about how
this sea bass is cold

but not as cold and cruel as
the hands of fate

that have thrust my entire life
into darkness.

- Ah, damn it.

I just ordered the sea bass.

.

- Ahh, babe, this is so nice.

There are hot stones on our
butts for no reason.

- Not on mine.

My butt stones keep falling
off,

because I'm so tense about
Holt being here

and ruining everything.

- It hasn't been that bad.

- Oops. Sorry.

Can't even float right.

Just push me away.

Everyone else does.

- It's not great, but as long
as we stay in here, we're safe.

- Peralta, Santiago,
I'm in your room.

How?

- Patio door was open
I pushed through the hedge.

Tell me,
what is it about me

that screams loser?

- Yeah, you know,
we're kind of in the middle

of getting massages right now,
sir.

- Oh, how thoughtless of me.

I'll get down here so you can
see my face.

- Oh, no, that's...

- Hello. The question
was, what is it about me

that screams loser?

- I can't figure out what went
wrong between our parents.

They were so in love.

- Oh, okay, so we're having
a conversation?

- No, to get them back
together,

we need to know what happened.
Did your mom tell you?

- Nope.
- Damn it.

Okay, let's brainstorm.

It could be that my dad is too
clingy or too masculine.

I'm going
to play a game on my phone

while you go on this
little journey.

- He overshares,
he's indecisive,

he's always crying.

- Oh, I made it inside the
temple.

- He wears a kimono a lot.

- I became a hawk.
I have talons.

- Well, he can't keep a secret.

He has a clinically loose
pelvis.

- Okay, that did break through.
I heard "loose pelvis."

Charles, you've got to stop.

It's none of those things.

- Wait. You said your
mom didn't tell you anything.

Do you know what happened?
- Yes, I do.

And it's none of your business,
Charles.

Just stop sticking your nose
where it doesn't belong.

- Really, Gina.

And where does my nose belong
if not inside our parents?

- Okay, so we can get away
from Holt.

I mean, should we tell him to
leave,

that he's ruining our
honeymoon?

- No, we can't.

That would crush him, and
he's already so crushed.

Wait, I got it.

- We kill Holt.

- No.

- No, that was crazy for a
multitude of reasons.

- We have a bunch of fun
activities planned.

If we include him, it'll cheer
him up, and he'll leave.

- Right, but aren't most
of our activities

kind of geared towards couples?

- Name one couples' activity
that wouldn't be more fun

with your boss there.

- Welcome to Sensual Food
Tasting:

The Art of Feeding Your Lover.

- I feel like I don't
belong here.

- Mm, I love how the mud
revitalizes your skin.

- And I love how it
masks my shame.

- I am loving this.

- Mmm.
- Mmm.

- Mmm.

This is actually quite
pleasant.

You know, when you invited
me to join you today,

I was skeptical.

I had been
sitting by the pool

contentedly watching a bee
struggle to avoid drowning

and thinking to myself how I
am like that bee.

Man, I hope it survived.

We can't afford to lose
any more bees.

- It didn't. The
point is that I am glad

you included me into
your frivolous activities.

You helped me to remember
there's more to life

than the NYPD.

- Wow, that's great to hear,
sir.

- I feel a lot better.

I think I may be heading home.

Unless you need a third
for tonight's activities.

- What are we...
- Sensual pottery.

- I think we're good.

- Sarge, I keep getting calls
about my drug case from--

what the hell is going on?

- Nothing. Just deciding
what to do about

your sanitation issue,
like a boss.

- You're looking for Captain
Holt's manual aren't you?

- Please, Diaz.

Top Dog Terry does not need to
look for Captain Holt's manual.

He knows it's on his computer.

Top Dog Terry was looking for
the password.

- Why don't you just
make your own decision?

- I did that, and I'm
very proud of it.

I just want to make sure
Captain Holt would make

the same decision so I can be
proud of him too.

Gina. Do you know
Captain Holt's password?

- Oh, Terry, just because
I know all your passwords

doesn't mean I know
Captain Holt's.

- Okay, well, we could probably
guess it.

- Why don't you try
BaldByChoice or PecMan

or MacklemoreEnthusiast?

- Stop saying my passwords.
Damn, Gina.

Now Terry's got to update
his keychain.

- Start simple. Kevin
with a capital K

and a 1 instead of an I

- Oh, I feel good about that.

Locked out?
Too many failed attempts?

I only guessed once.

Computer will now delete hard
drive?

I've got to fix this.

- Good. You fixed it.

- He's leaving. Our plan
worked.

- We saved our own honeymoon,
and fun bonus,

we cheered up Holt.
- Yes.

Okay, it's time to celebrate.

You know what that means.

This B needs a C in her A.

- Oh, my God.

- This babe needs a coconut in
her arms.

- Oh, I thought you
were saying

this needs a
in her .

- Oh, my God.
- Yeah, that was my reaction.

All right, I'll go get us a
couple of coconuts.

Ahh, hey there, Captain.

Haven't seen you looking this
happy since they picked up

"The Durrells in Corfu"
for a fourth season.

- Yes, well, I've reached the
best part of every vacation:

reviewing the charges.

- Well, don't let me interrupt.
Have a safe flight.

And I'll see you back at the
Nine-Nine.

- No, you won't; I'll never be
going back there again.

Why?
I'm confused.

- You and Amy made me see that
there's more to life

than the NYPD, so I'm quitting.

- Oh.

Well...
what a satisfying result

that we all were hoping would
occur.

.

- Hold on. So let's just back
up a second.

When you say you're quitting,
you mean quitting

for, like, a couple of weeks,
and then you'll come back

Jordan-style with a new badge
number?

- No, I mean, quitting
permanently,

I'm putting in my resignation
as soon as I get back home.

I better hurry if I want to be
at the airport

six hours ahead of my flight.

I should drive you there.

Will you come with me to grab
my keys from the room?

Okay, they're just right in
here, so...

You're not leaving this room.

- I can't let you quit.

- Yes, but why the candles
and rose petals?

- Wuh-oh.

'Cause someone's about to Die
Harrr--oh, my God.

Why is Captain Holt here?

Because he's gonna--wait,
are you dressed like

Bonnie Bedelia in "Die Hard?"

- I am.

- Yes.
- Oh, boy.

- Because he's quitting the
force,

so I brought him
to convince him not to,

but obviously
that is not important anymore.

All right, Captain, it's been a
good run.

Thank you for teaching me the
importance of a tie

in the workplace, and the door
is right over here.

You're quitting?

- Yes, I am.
- No, you're not.

We're keeping you right here.

Physically restrain me?

- Great idea.

Is there anything in Charles'
box of nightmares

that could be used to tie up
Holt?

- Yes. Literally everything in
here could be used

to tie up a person.

- Wow, Terry, put Captain
Holt's computer back together?

Looks great.
- Sure did.

Couldn't find room inside for
this stuff, though.

- Well, is there any chance
the info on in computer

was maybe saved to the cloud?

- I don't know.

Gina, was Captain Holt's hard
drive backed up to the cloud?

- Yeah.
- Then why did you let me try

to rebuild his computer?

- Because I'm a rascal.

- Okay, so I just log
onto the cloud as Captain Holt

and click "forgot password"

and answer his security
questions.

First up: What is God?

- Hey, Gina.

Did you see "Real Housewives"
last night?

If she says no, then ask about
"Below Deck."

- She's getting suspicious,
Scully. Act natural.

- Tell her no. Scully, stop
saying what I'm saying.

Be normal.

- Damn it, Gina.

What does it look like I'm
doing?

I'm trying to unlock your phone
using a mask of your face

so I can find out why your mom
left my dad.

- Charles, give me my phone.

- Okay, fine.

- Boom, unlocked it.
- Give me my phone, Charles.

- Not until I find out or
parents are breaking up.

- Give it.
- Scrolling, scrolling.

- Give me my phone, you idiot.
- You were the reason.

You sent her a text that says,
"You should divorce him"?

- Okay, yeah, but that's open
to interpretation.

- No, but then she says, "I
don't want to,"

and then you say, "But you have
to.

"Leave him now, and divorce
him.

Don't tell him why."

- Okay, yeah, you did interpret
it correctly.

- Shame, shame.

- I'm so sorry I brought Holt
back here.

I had no idea you were doing
this whole "Die Hard" thing.

Man, you really got the hair
exactly right.

Did you contact the onset hair
stylist, Paul Abascal?

- No, this is a wig.

- Oh, that's cool too.
So here's what I'm thinking.

We let Holt go, I have sex with
Holly Gennaro but hotter.

The squad handles the captain,
or disbands, whatever,

we have sex again--

- Okay, stop suggesting that.
We need to stay focused.

- Right.
- Holt it fragile.

We need to be gentle, okay?

Just follow my lead.
- With pleasure.

I love the view.
I'm sorry.

This outfit is driving me
insane.

- Hello, sir. Sorry again for
tying you spread eagle

on the bed.
- Apology not accepted.

- Look, I know you're upset,
but this isn't

your last chance to become
commissioner.

John Kelly's old.

He's not gonna be in office
forever.

- True, but he'll just
be replaced by another

mediocre old white man.

Nothing will ever change.

- All right, well, what
about all your goals

for the Nine

You still have so much left to
accomplish.

- Wrong, I've
accomplished everything

that I set out to do.

I wanted to reduce crime, and
I did.

There's no crime in Brooklyn
anymore.

- Seems like a bit of a
stretch.

- What about improving
community relations?

- Done. Everyone loves
the police.

It's embarrassing.

- Way off. All right, Ame, step
aside; I got this.

Captain, what about the
Halloween Heist?

- I'll just come in and win it
and then go back to my house.

- Damn it. I'm out.
- Jake.

- All right, fine, sir, do you
know why I love coming to work?

- Because there's a bumper
pool table in the break room.

- Yes, obviously I love
the bumper pool table.

But do you want to know
another reason why?

You.

You've made me a better cop.

You've made me a better person.

I've learned so much from you.

So you can't quit.

Because I need you.

- Oh, please. How selfish.

- That little speech you just
gave.

It was all about you and
what you need.

How unbelievably selfish.

- Okay, well, I don't want
to get mad right now,

'cause Amy is worried
about you, so--

- No, screw that noise.

How dare you call Jake selfish?

He just wasted his entire
honeymoon

trying to take care of you
while you wallowed

in your misery like a little
baby.

- That seems a little harsh.

I don't give a hoot.
- Oh, damn.

- For the last five years,
all I've done is

give a hoot about you
and what you think.

I gave a hoot about
you as a boss.

I gave a hoot about
you as a mentor.

I gave a hoot about
you as a friend.

- She gave so many hoots.

- Not anymore.
After the way you've acted

and what you just said to
Jake, I don't give a hoot,

what you think,
and I really don't

give a hoot if you decide
to quit the NYPD, so do it.

I'm all out of hoots.

I'm hootless.

- Now, what I want to say is--
Jake.

- Coming Holly Gennaro.

.

- Hey, I thought piña coladas
might be too festive,

so I got two super-depressing
coconuts filled with merlot.

- I'm not depressed.
I'm relieved.

For the first time all week,
it's just the two of us.

- I'm right here.

I escaped using some of the
lube Boyle sent you.

It got everywhere.
I had to change.

- Yeah, and your new shirt is
very aggressive and confusing.

Is the pineapple the slut,

or is it calling someone else a
slut?

- Clearly the pineapple is the
slut.

- Huh.
- Look, I wanted to say

I'm sorry.

Maybe find someone who gives a
hoot.

Try an owl cage.

- Oh, honey, I love you,
but not your best.

- Look, you have every right
not to accept my apology,

but at least hear it first.

I'm sorry I said Jake was
selfish.

I'm sorry I ruined your
honeymoon.

I'm sorry I interrupted your
"Die Hard"-themed sexcapades.

- You don't have to
list everything; it's cool.

- Right. I thought if
I played by the NYPD's rules

and didn't make any waves, one
day I would rise to a position

where I could make meaningful
change.

When they hired John Kelly, I
realized I was wrong,

and I thought I was
out of options.

But then you tied me
to your bed, legs akimbo,

and made me realize there was
another way.

I could not give a hoot.

- Wow, the hoot thing
is catching on.

Didn't see that coming.

- I'm going to go directly
to the mayor and tell him

John Kelly's "vigilant
policing" proposal

is regressive and
counter-productive,

and if he implements it, I'm
gonna make

a big stink in the press.

- Going over the commissioner
and threatening the mayor, sir?

Don't you think that'll
piss him off?

- I don't give a hoot.

Listen, I'm on the next plane
back,

but I wanted to pay for you two
to extend your stay

so you can have a proper
honeymoon.

- Oh, sir, thank you.

That's very nice, right, Jake?

- Yeah, super cool.

Just out of curiosity asking
for a friend,

where did you get the shirt,
and how much did it cost?

- Ooh, you're still wearing the
mask?

- Yeah, to hide my sadness.
I'll take it off.

- No, don't.

For some reason, it's easier to
care about what you say

when you look like me.

- Why did you tell your
mom to leave my dad, Gina?

Is it so bad being a Boyle?

- Yes, it terrible, but that's
not why I did it.

My mom was cheating on your
dad,

so I told her she had to break
it off.

Why didn't you tell me?

- Because I didn't want
to hurt you or him.

She was being disgusting, so I
told her she had to end it.

- You were trying to protect
us.

Gina, you were actually being
sweet.

- Uh-doi.

- Not good.

I'm reading this book on
religion, and apparently

there's some debate as to what
God is.

- Don't worry about it.

Gina had the manual.

Why didn't she just give it to
me?

- 'Cause she's a rascal.

Look at what it says.

- "Never use italics, lest
people think you are

a con-man or a clown."

I'm not sure
how this applies here.

- No. Under that.

- "If you are unsure
of what to do in any situation,

consult Sergeant Jeffords."

I trust him completely."

Well, that's a
kick in the butt.

- Tell sanitation you'll
work the case together.

You're the primary, and HQ can
take it out

of the supplemental budget.

I'll find the room.
- Cool.

Top Dog Terry's back.

- Mm-hmm.

- Hello.

- Oh, my God.

Are you Melvil Dewey?

- Indeed I am.

I invented the Dewey decimal
system,

but right now I'm working on
the Do-me decimal system.

- Mm-hmm, yeah.

This is really working for me.

- Yeah.

- Awesome.
- So, Mr. Dewey,

can you save me from the
terrorists that have taken over

Nakatomi Plaza?

- Yes, Holly Gennaro,

I just need file them in the
library...card...catalog.

- Yeah, this is really hard to
track.

Let's just take our clothes
off.

- Oh, thank God.
This old jacket is so hot.

- Yeah.

That was magical.

I can't believe we're back.
- I refuse to accept it.

I'm still coconuting.

This is filled with coffee.

It is very hot.

Coconut is not a good
insulator.

- No, it's not.

Captain.
- Peralta, Santiago,

how was the end of the
honeymoon?

- It was amazing.

Not to brag, but I saw a sea
turtle.

- Kind of sounds like
you're bragging, babe.

- I was.
It looked right at me.

Did you contact the mayor?

- Yes. I voiced my concerns
as soon as I got back.

He heard me out, and he's put
John Kelly's

"vigilant policing" initiative
under review.

- Way to go, No Hoots Holt.

- Very much so.

To retaliate, he closed the
bottom floor of the Nine-Nine

for renovations indefinitely.

Everyone's been moved
to our bullpen.

- Prepare yourselves.

The Nine-Nine is at war with
the NYPD.

both: Ay caramba.

- Not a doctor.
- Shh.

- Fremulon.