All language subtitles for American.Princess.2019.S01E07.720p.WEB.H264-METCON

Previously on
"American Princess"...

Amanda:
Carnivals and theme weekends
and all kinds of attractions.

You're aware of the kind
of money that's to be had.

Why aren't we doing
any of this?

Well,
Maggie doesn't like it.

I didn't raise my hand
at the vote,

so I'm a patron today.

I wanted to make money
so that we could help people.

We were all doing fine.You were.

Brian:
We had a whole show to do,

and you left me standing there
with my Apocrypha in my hand.

Maggie:
I was proving a point.

People come here

for the history,
the authenticity.

If we lose that now,
then what?

At some point,
you have to acknowledge

that if we don't
change the faire today,

there may not be one at all
tomorrow.

Brian: I don't like PDA.

I overstepped your boundary.
It won't happen again.

I've gotta go french a man
in public.

Let me be the judge.

[ Laughter ]

You did hear me, by the way,
that we're making a killing?

The girl I met six weeks ago
would have been bragging

to the end of eternity
about this.

That girl
has left the faire.

This girl
has a clipboard.

You did this, Amanda.

Be proud.

♪♪

I will plague them all!

[ Thunder rumbles ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Amanda: Don't leave!

The Wet Wenches show
starts in 20 minutes.

All the seats
are in the splash zone.

There's no wait
at the zip line.

Think of how fast you could go
in these gales.

No. No zip line.

The thing's a lightning rod,

and we're not covered
for electrocution.

M'lady, can you give it
a bit of gas?

[ Engine revving ]

[ Laughs ]

♪♪

[ Laughs ]

Welcome to the mud club.

Good lady,
thoust would not allow --

Out of the way!
This is custom!

Fine sir, the pub --

the pub be still open.

A jug of mead on me.

Or for you.

What? Are you offering booze
to children.

He looked like
he could use a drink.Ha!

Oh, my God.

[ Thunder rumbles ]

Fare thee well!

Or however they say it
in Spice World!

[ Indistinct conversations ]

You.

Come now.

Always a bridesmaid.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Look at 'em.

Running from spit rain!

Pussies!

This vest survived
Tropical Storm Stephanie!

Talk about a bitch.

Aye, this tunic
is Scotch Garded!

For light spills!

Nice one, hon.

5 bucks.

She means 10.

I got one 15 minutes ago
for 5.

Rain-flation.

A small price to pay

to have almost an entire faire
all to thyself.

[ Laughs ]Well played.

Every season,
there's at least one rainstorm

and one group
who wants to stick it out.

They're called Rainees.

They're the pot of cash
at the end of the rainbow.

Let's get weird!

[ All cheering ]

Hey!Huzzah for the tipper!

We would also
like to get weird.

-Huzzah!
-Huzzah!

[ Water dripping ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]

I'm a knight,
and you're a dragon.

Get me!

I'm a water sign.

Lulu: Unh-unh, no.

You are not
sitting around all day

making duck lips
into that thing.

Go find something productive
to do.

What?
It's raining.

Like help me make
the sundries list.

Pass.
Also, no one says sundries.

Except me just now.

Then go ask your dad
if he needs help

entertaining the littles.

Go, go.

Mom says
I have to help you.

I thought
we could play Operation,

but we're missing
all the body parts.

Yeah, Jesse ate them,

then he used the tweezers

to pick the body parts
out of his --

Oh, aah, aah, aah.

Hungry Hippos it is.Star: Come back here!

I don't want
any highlighter!

You look like a corpse!

Lulu: Come on!

See,
this is what I'm saying.

You say you want to help out
more with the kids,

but then this is always
what happens, a bigger mess.

We were gonna
play a game --Moon did it!

-Shut up!
-You shut up!

Remember when I ate
all the body parts?

And then you picked them
out of your poop?

That was so gross.

Yeah, now we can't play.

Enough, enough, enough!

How about you guys

all come up with a play
to show everyone?

Sound fun?

Yeah!
No!

The wishbone
never came out.

Eww.
Eww.

And, uh,
Breeze can direct.Ugh.

[ Sighs ]

I'll stop commenting
on your Instagram posts.

Okay.

Everyone under 4'11"
into the pantry.

Okay, I'm gonna make
a list of toiletries

that we need.

Um,
can you keep an ear out

for the kids
killing each other?

No one says toiletries.

Except me.

Just now.

Cyril: Wait, wait, wait.
That was the third time.

The second time
I got struck by lightning,

I was on the 18th hole.

Whose turn is it?

-Yours!
-Yours!

[ Door opens ]

[ Door creaks, closes ]

[ Sighs ]

Towel?

Look,
I'm sorry about earlier.

I was being petty
and immature.

What about
putting your hand

up those gladiators'
war skirts?

I'd say grabbing
a stranger's ass

is much more immature.

That was work.

I sell jugs and hugs.

It's my faire persona.
You know this.

Did you at least
wash your paws after?

Well, at least they let me
touch them in public.

♪♪

Cyril: Now, a lot of times
they tell you

that when you get
struck by lightning,

you see God?

I did.

And it was confusing.

-What?
-Huh?

Whose turn is it?

All: Yours.

Since when
are there monsoons

in upstate New York?

Uh, since climate change.

T-minus 20
till the bomb cyclone hits.

Wait. The Orbs of Fury
are in the water.

The rain wouldn't have
affected them.

Let's go.
Breathe.

There is nothing you can do
right now.

Just -- all right?

I don't think I've ever
seen you this clean.

Yeah,
it's pretty squeaky.

How long has my top been
see through?

Since you chased Dr. Who
all the way to his TARDIS.

Lil Boy?

Lil Boy?

He likes to pop out
and scare me,

or fall from the rafters
and scare me,

or apparate
like a little mini wizard

and scare me.

That's my kinda kid.

Can you turn around,
please?

You saw me finish
on camera,

and I see
a couple of --
Turn!

[ Sighs ]

So, did they teach you

project management
at Vassar?

Or did you also study
at DeVry online?

Stop mocking me.

I wasn't.

You did good out there.

My mother was right.

I never see anything
through.

And now this time,
I had people counting me

like Delilah and Lil Boy
and Stick?

I mean, ugh!

Who am I
if I can't help a diabetic?

They prefer
"people with diabetes."

There's nothing to see through
right now, busy-bee.

Except your blouse.

By now,
the Rainees have set up shop.

Rainees?

[ Laughs ]

Feel good?

Breezy.

[ Grunts ]

[ Thunder rumbles ]

[ Moans loudly ]

[ Both grunt ]

[ Both exhale sharply ]

[ Laughs ]

Ahh.

[ Exhales sharply ]

Brian: Maggie,
are you in here?

One moment!

[ Sighs ]

Take your leave.

[ Laughs ]

Can I come in now,
please?

Enter.

Brian.

Swinging by to drip all over
my decorative throws?

I came to say
I'm sorry.

You were right.

What was that?
I can't hear you.

I still have
your lecture on compromise

ringing in my ears.

Juan Andrés and I
are over.

Oh, Poodle.

First it's Shakespeare
making fart jokes.

And next thing you know,

you're sorority squatting
with Ginger, Posh, and Sporty.

What's next?
I'll tell you what's next.

Fondling subpar
Russell Crowe lookalikes.

That's what's next.

You've learned
an important lesson.

And ending it
was the right choice.

We allowed too much change,
all over the fairgrounds.

The vaping? Ugh.

It's worse
than the Bluetooth years.

More than that.

That awful
steak-on-a-stake girl.

Losing our food discount.

Losing control.

But you know what?

That's why
the storm is here.

[ Thunder rumbles ]We'll let her healing energy
flow through us,

harness her power,

and use it to regain
what is rightfully ours.

What are you doing?

Where's your crap food?

Nutter Butters,
Star Crunches.

I know they're here.

I'm suffering.

I need the healing energy
of high fructose corn syrup

to flow through me.

[ Sighs ]

Two treats,
and then we're moving on.

Oh, thank goodness.

Thank goodness.

Okay. Okay.

♪♪

Brian, Brian.
Two, two.

I'm gonna
have more than two,

and you're just gonna
have to accept that.

Friar: 58 Albuquerque,
59 Albuquerque,

60 Albuquerque.
Time's up.

Markers down.

Come on, show me.

Okay, that's more horse
than person,

and your Maggie
has tentacles.

Well, that's what you see.

Art is subjective.

That's objectively good.

Yeah, it's not bad.

I'm gonna do shrooms.

I could do shrooms.

Mm, I am off psychedelics

ever since the fourth time
I got struck by lightning.

I'm gonna go check on
the horses.

Thunder makes them horny.

You coming?

Ahh, peanut butter.

Makes shrooms
taste great.

Where are y'all headed?

Outer space.

Wanna come?

Shart: Hey, hey.

You guys better
elect a ranger this time

'cause I'm not climbing up
a tree to rescue you again.

Fish heads were growing
up from the ground.

What would
you have done?

Let them nibble the dead skin
off my toes.

Oh.Howdy, ranger.

You've been elected.

Fine.

♪♪

Damn it.

[ Bottles clink ]

Never have I ever...

encountered a shark.

What are the rules again?

You have to drink
if you've ever.
Ah.

[ Gasps ]

And you lived
to tell the tale.

Impressive.

is it true that you have
to punch it in the nose

to get away?It was a baby shark,

dead on the sand.

But still, scary.

Yeah, you should have
left it vague.

Oh, okay.

Um, never have I ever...

had a four-way.

Really?

I was just parched.Oh, that is --

[ Laughs ]Unh-unh. Bad form.

[ Laughs ]
All right.

Um, never have I ever
salsa danced.

Oh, thank God.
Ah.

Never have I ever seen
"The Fault in our Stars."

Ohh.

It's bad, isn't it?
Mm.

He dies, she cries.

It is just --

it's really stupid.[ Laughs ]

Um...

never have I ever
eaten catfish

or been catfished

or catfished anyone else.

Which one is it?All three.

Elaborate.Ate it at a barbecue.

Delicious.

Got sucked in
by a Russian bot.

And then,
it was complicated.

Rainy day.
Got nothing but time.

Um, anyway, I just -- I just
wanted to check up on an ex

without her knowing,

so I created a profile
and sent her a message.

But before she wrote back,

I chickened out
and just deleted everything.

Must have been some ex?
College?

High school.

Mm. Cheerleader.

Teacher.

Hello, Mrs. Robinson.

She was probably, like,
your age.

So, how did it end?

Just super badly,
you know.

Like, she didn't want
to mess up her marriage,

so she, uh --
she broke up with me,

like, a week
before school let out.

Um, I just, like,
cried my guts out all summer.

It was
a cruel, cruel summer.

That is insane.

Yeah, I thought I was in love,
you know.

I just kind of want to keep
it light now, you know?

Just no drama,
nothing too serious.

Yeah, yeah.

I've never told anyone that
ever.

Wow, that, uh --

that feels really good
to get that off my chest.

What about you?

I had
a Spanish teacher once

that was, like,
drop-dead Latin gorgeous.

No,
I didn't mean my thing.

Like,
what's your thing?

Anything?

Don't let me embarrass myself
alone here.

Besides bloodying Helen
on my wedding day?

That's old news.

Come on, you gotta --
you gotta spill it.

Um...

I never said goodbye
to my father.

Is he dead?

Oh, he's alive.

What happened?

When I was 10,

he left and moved to Seattle
with a woman --

Isla.

My mom talked so much shit
about him and his new kids.

But as I got older,
I wanted to know,

you know,
who were these people

that he traded us for?

So eventually, I went down
an Internet wormhole,

and I got the answers.

Isla and Olivia and Evan.

They were so regular,
you know.

Almost like ordinary,
maybe even boring.

Which, in a weird way,

was worse
than them being perfect.

He destroyed our family
for a big, fat lateral move.

That's his loss.

Nah, it's -- it's yours

because you had to endure
that, like, stupid story.

Hey, it's all right.No, let's go back to jacks.

[ Ball bounces ]

Okay, this floor
is not regulation.

Yeah, um, do you want, like,
some help or anything?

No, I'm okay.

There's so many letters.

Uh, that tracks.

Delilah sort of seems like
the pen pal type.

♪♪

New York State
Unified Court System.

♪♪

I guess we're not
the only ones with secrets.

[ Thunder rumbles ]

Ugh.

These 100-calorie snacks
are bullshit.

Maggie:
Are you finished sulking?

We need to get
out in the rain.

Direct exposure
to the fury of Mother Nature

is the best way
to reap her benefits.

Do you know how many breakups
I've coddled you through?

How many times
you've felt slighted

or insecure or short-legged,

and I've been there
to lick yourwounds?

Oh, go ahead,
let it out.

I'll never find anyone
as perfect.

His back hair
was up to his neck.

Oh, God,
of course you will.

I hear there's a slew
of single Skarsgards.

And a new Hemsworth
seems to pop up every day.

I don't want
a Skarsgard.

And you know
as well as I do,

there's no Hemsworth
like the first one.

They degenerate in quality
with every copy.

I want him.

Juan Andrés was the one.

Oh, psh.

There is no such thing.

Scootch.

Scootchity-scootchity.

[ Sighs ]

You are the scent of jasmine
in the spring.

Warm sand on bare feet.

A perfectly delivered
soliloquy

following on
a perfectly rapt audience.

That man is a fool.

A handsome one, yes,

but a real schmuck
to have let you get away.

Maybe I'm not destined
for love.

It is not in the stars
to hold our destiny,

but in ourselves.
Ugh.

What does Shakespeare know,
anyway.

[ Thunder rumbles ]

Aah! Mother Nature,
she speaks to us.

We must answer her call!

I'm only going

because I don't want
to be alone.

Why else
do we do anything?

Stick:
You guys feeling it yet?

Juan Andrés: No, nothing.

Where's my face?

[ Gasps ]

I lost my face.

[ Moans ]

That's the spot.

Stay there.

Juan Andrés: He loves me.
He loves me not.

He wants space.

He wants space not.

He's spaceless.

I'm spaceless.

We're all spaceless.

Stick: It's like this.

Sometimes he's gotta hide, man,
in his shell.

Like this?

Brian's a --
he's a turtle.

Yeah, a turtle.

It's turtles
all the way down.

They're everywhere.

Hey, travelers.

How are we doing?

Vitamin C,
it's good for you.

Replenish your electrolytes,
people.

And remember, you're nothing
unless you're --

-Together.
-Together.

Yeah.

So we're gonna
stay here together.

-Together.
-Together.

-Together.
-Together.

And I'm gonna get some more
hydration for you, okay?

All you guys are going?

Yeah, that's right, bud.

Stay together.

That's right, together.

Okay.

I like him.

Turtles are slow.

You can't always be slow.

We need to go fast.

Zoom, zoom.

Zoom, zoom.

To the bus.
Grab the shrooms.

Found it.

♪♪

[ Grunts ]

Oh, many thanks.

I been CrossFitting
since it was called

changing big-rig tires
in Jersey.

Bet you'd kill
at the strong-man booth.

You'd win that bet,
little woman.

[ Grunts ]

Told ya.

Rainees really dig
in to the pub.

You know, that dude
paid me 40 bucks

to let him bench-press
our wine fridge.

It was empty, but still.

Fill it up,

bet him he can't do it
twice in a row.

Double or nothing.

Who are you?

Been down a lot of roads
and rode 'em hard.

Oh, the pretzels
are over there.

[ Laughs ]

This is amazing.

I mean, did you
see me out there?

I was, like, huzzah
for the tipper!

Yeah, it was --
What?

Art thou surprised?

[ Sighs ]

No.
I...

be a pub wench now.

Huzzah!

[ Laughs ]

♪♪

It's probably just
jury duty.

Rennies are not great
when it comes to jury summons.

Too thick.

Are court papers like
college acceptance letters?

You want
the thick envelope?

I used to do this with letters
from mom's divorce lawyers

to manage expectations.

Isn't it illegal to look through
somebody else's mail?

Not as illegal as whatever
Delilah is hiding.

These aren't
traffic-fine envelopes.

These are jail envelopes.

Presumptions.

Based on
justified suspicions.

Delilah's a big girl.
She can handle it.

Can she?
She takes care of everyone.

Me, her son, her friends.
Who takes care of her?

What if she's in, like,
real-world trouble.

You know, the kind
that can't be fixed

with a bear hug
or homemade candles --

Whatever it is,

she'll tell you about it
when she's ready.

Some people just need
a little more time

to talk about their secrets.

I have to help her.

Just be calm for a second,
okay?

D-- David, I'm serious.

Never have ever read
"Fifty Shades of Grey"

and liked it.

[ Laughs ]

See, I should be drinking
right now,

but I'm afraid you'll run.

How very Christian Grey
of you.
See?

I knew that you should be
drinking with me.

I'm not proud of it,
but yes, I have read it.

The writing
was so terrible.

Well, you're free to go.

Then I go.

Well, go, then.I'm going.

Good.
Here I go.

[ Thud ]Oh!

Eww!
Your face was on her face.

Where were you?

You looked
in my old hiding spot.

I was
in my new hiding spot.

[ Sighs ]

I gotta go.

Uh, I have to go
find Delilah --

I don't know
what he heard.

I've gotta --
these are not my clothes.

♪♪

Handles like a dream.

Helen: I love partying.

Drugs and stuff.

I should warn you, though,

that shrooms
can make me paranoid.

Juan Andrés:
Don't worry.

Shart's taking care of us.He is?

Oh, he's also taking care of
all the faire brats.

He's a model dad.

I could have been a model,

you know,
if only this happened earlier.

I didn't bloom
until I was 30.

The world has always been
out to get me.

You weren't kidding
about that paranoia.

Have you ever felt like

everyone just wants
to take you down?

Serious paranoia.

You know,
like when you were a kid,

and you were bullied
by those rich girls

who spread that rumor
that you got pregnant

when you were 13,

and that you had the baby
and gave it away

even though
you were actually a virgin

until you were
24 years old?

And then
your older half-sister,

she tried to get you
addicted to meth.

But you didn't
even try the meth

because you knew
that it was a dead end.

So you run away,
and you find a whole new life.

But now...

you got eyes
in the back of your skull

because you never know

when somebody's gonna come
and take you down!

[ Sighs ]

Right?

Do you see turtles
in here?

I absolutely do.

Where's Stick?

Huh.

Uh, driving.

Hey.
Yeah.

How much
did you end up getting

for the whole
tongue thing?

Three, five, uhh,
A, B, C, D.

Oh, $60,000?

You don't know?

Numbers are very hard for me
right now.

Is it a lot
or a little?
It's a lot.

I think.

Is it?
I don't know.

A thousand
is bigger than $100,

but it's smaller than a million
and a billion.

And a million billion.

Oh, my God,
I didn't get enough money.

No wonder I can't even afford
an oil change.

I am out of money.

Out?
I told you!

People want to take you down!

[ Grunts, growls ]

I'm gonna get Stick
and go play in the mud.

[ Groans ]

Um, Stick,
can you pull over, buddy?

We should give Helen
some space.

Helen: [ Screaming ]

All right, let's get on
with this woo-woo insanity.

I said you were like jasmine
in the spring.

Humor me.

First
we have to choose a goal.

Mine's to regain control
of this place

before it goes full-on
Chuck E. Cheese.

What's yours?

To get my man back?

No!
Fine.

I'll make mine getting
your power back, too.

Genius.

Now, we close our eyes

and let the storm
wash over us

as we externalize our goal

and give it over
to the storm.

♪♪

[ Whoosh! ]

♪♪

[ Rain stops ]

[ Birds chirping ]

♪♪

She stole my thunder.

Let her have it.

Can we go?

♪♪

[ Humming ]

Hey.
Oh, God!

Hey, what's up?

Are the kids ready
for their big performance?

I believe so.

It's gonna be great.

Really?
Yeah.

I didn't think
you'd pull it off.

I did.Uh, the rain stopped,

so they can do it
on the Regent stage.

Yeah, great.I'll get them.

You round up an audience.
Get a big one.

We want the little ones
to feel supported.

Yeah, okay.

[ Laughs ] Okay.Yeah, no problemo.

[ Laughs ] Yeah.
Yeah.

♪♪

Shart: Hey, hey, David!

My good buddy. Ha-ha.
You busy?

No, not really.

Why?
You wanna play a game?

That looks like we have
half a Checkers set there.

Ooh, we both
get to be black.

Oh, I got a much better game
than Checkers.

It's called Round Up
The Tripping Rennies.

Ah, is Stick
seeing fish again?

Yeah. [ Laughs ]

Attaboy.
Fluids.

Victoria!
Regent stage!

Round up
everyone you know!

Huzzah!

♪♪

Delilah: [ Laughs ]

I can't decide where
to focus my attention first.

Ah! Rainees.

Oh, Rainees.

I get it.
[ Laughs ]

Tell me all about it.

Tel me everything.
Let's talk.

Okay.

That's Rusty.

He's leader
of the Devil's Spawn.

It used to be Tig,

but then he got
a brain injury.

No, no, no, no, no.
Let's talk about you.

How are you?

I'm so good, pumpkin.

Oh, look.

Rainee love
is in the air.

I never go for guys
who are shorter than me.

Weird.
Uh-huh.

So it is.

Delilah,
is everything okay?

Shart: Hey!

-Whoa!
-This group!

Shart: Uh, Regent stage.

Secret special show.

There's free beer.
It's not really free.

Starting in five![ All cheering ]

Delilah, I really
have to talk to you, so --Got it.

Man: Let's go! Secret show!

It's probably, like,
a beheading.

♪♪

It's for the kids,
you know.

Well,
anything for the kids.

If there isn't a selection
from "Matilda: The Musical,"

I'm leaving.

David: Swim and swim...

and sink.

Gloop. Gloop.

Hey, hey, where is Stick
and Juan Andrés?

They were gone
when I got there.

Oh, uh, mm.

They wanted to drive
on top of the world.

Ah, got it.

-Yeah.
-Cool.

Attention, elders!

The play is ready to begin.

Please note
my style is still developing.

[ Laughter ]

"The Three Little Mammals"
by Breeze Yolanda Reinhardt.

We wrote it together,
Breeze.

Shut up, Moon.
I'm the one who wrote it down.

Diva.

[ Laughter ]One day in a village,

not unlike this very village,

lived a lot of kind of basic,
but well-meaning villages,

including,
but not limited to

our titular
three little mammals.

Now, this village was
an idyllic Utopian society.

Think free public green spaces
and iPads for everyone.

[ Laughter ]

And most of the time,

our mammals lived far from crap
like persecution,

overzealous immigration
enforcement,

and rampant racism.

Most of the time.

Except for just
outside the village

where ere lived that
good old classic antagonist...

[ Groans ]

....the Big Bad Wolf.

♪♪

[ Grunts ]

Flimsy, wiggly...

[ Gasps ]

Mm.

Spiky.

♪♪

But we'll get to him later.

[ Audience "Oohs!" ]

The first mammal
was a peacock,

which is not
really a mammal,

but I can't.

Hi, baby.

I love you, baby.

[ Audience "awws" ]

Breeze: The peacock
was also a mother,

and she lived
with an anteater

who was also a janitor,

who was also a father.

I'm so funny.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Star:
You're so funny, honey.[ Laughter ]

I want to build our house
out of toilet paper.

Okay.Breeze: And they did.

There was only
one problem.

We're out of
toilet paper.

How did this happen?

I told you
to get more toilet paper.

I forgot.

[ Laughter ]You always forget!

And you're a janitor!

The mommy peacock
and daddy anteater janitor

were fighting so much,

they didn't even notice

that the Big Bad Wolf
was on his way,

ready to blow down
every house in its path,

toilet paper
or no toilet paper.

Then the rest of
the village mammals came out

and had a dance party!

-Whoo!
-Go mammals!

[ All cheering ]

Get down with me, people.

Cheer on my body parts.

[ Laughter ]Who are we rooting for?
I'm lost.

Uh...
Can we go
play in the mud now?

Come on.
-Yeah. Thank you.

[ Applause ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

There's no narrative drive.
I'm out.

Now I will kill you all
and feed you to the Sith.

Breeze:
No, you will not, Jesse.

Okay. [ Laughs ]

The dancing mammals
were very annoying.

So the second mammal

came out to see
what was going on.[ Gasps ]

[ Spits ]

Ohh!

I'm a porpoise.

[ Imitates porpoise ]

That's my little boy!

I built my house

out of hempcrete
and bamboo,

which are both strong
and eco-friendly,

all for me and my mama.

[ Audience "awws" ]

Unless the court
takes her away to jail.

Uhh,
thank you, porpoise.

Lil Boy! Lil Boy!

We are almost done here,
people.

Third mammal, your cue!

[ Laughter ]

I'm a pretty princess.

[ Laughter ]

And I want to build my house

out of new and shiny things

that are
a zillion times better.

[ Laughter ]

Well, I'm the queen.

And I like our house
just the way it is.

[ Laughter ]

Well, I'm young and cute,
and everyone loves me.

Just because
I am old and stale

does not mean I'm not
the queen of this house.

[ Audience "ohhs" ]

[ Audience murmurs ]

Breeze:
But little did they know

that no matter
what their house was made of,

they still had to watch out
for the big, bad...

Helen: Amanda Klein!

You owe me
a million dollars.

-Shart!
-Got 'em.

Hey, kids, follow me.Amanda: Helen.

-But, daddy, we're not done!
-Oh, yes, you are.

Come on, come on,
come on, come on.

Thanks, babe.Always.

Mwah!

Amanda: Uh, uh, Helen,
calm down, okay?

Let's just --
let's just talk, okay?

No.

[ Screaming ]

[ Grunts, groans ]

[ All gasp ]

I thought you said
we were square?

I'll huff,
and I'll puff,

and I'll rip
your tits off!

[ Screams ]

♪♪

I got $20 on the little one!
Let's go!

[ All shouting ]

♪♪

All right, listen up.

No, no, no.
No eating mud.

No matter how much it looks
and feels like chocolate.

Many brave, good-looking men
have gone down that way.

But, you know,
you can play in it.

Amanda:
She's gonna kill me!

I am going full "Revenant"
on your ass!

[ Screams ]

Anybody else seeing
tree demons?

I believe
those are cloud people.

But still,
we should move.

Amanda:
Eat bench, you lunatic!

-Oh!
-Whoa!

David: Okay, move, move,
move, move.

Helen:
[ Groans, panting ]

I cut off my ear lobe
with a melon baller.

Oh, God.

Hi.

Hey, you guys
want to sleep over?

You.

When will it be enough
for you, huh?

When we install
a virtual-reality booth?

When you've maimed us all?

When we rename this place

Amanda's Royal
Renaissance Festival?

[ Screaming ]

[ All "ohh" ]

Best day ever!

Amanda: Are you crazy?

Mud wrestling?

Seriously, this is some
hardcore patriarchal bullshit!

[ Screams ]

-Ohh!
-Ohh!

Damn it.

Not enough memory.

I got it.

Maggie: Hey!

Ahh! Ohh!

-That's right. Get her!
-Oh!

♪♪

Oh!

Are you okay?

I'm amazing.

It's like
we're real Rennies.

I was planning to do this

at the kissing bridge
at eventide,

but screw it.

[ Gasps ]

Lady Jenny Miller
of Rochester,

wilt thou marry me?

I shall!

[ Laughs ]

Oh! [ Laughs ]

[ Both laugh ]

Aah!

Boom!

[ Grunts ]

-[ Laughs ] Yeah!
-Yeah.

[ Panting ]

Are you happy now?

No.

[ Clears throat ]

Fine lords and ladies...

We're engaged!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Huzzah!

Huzzah!

Amanda: Maggie.

Maggie, slow down.

Maggie, stop this!Stop this?

Stop what?

It's too late to stop anything
after all you started.

What's so terrible?

I started a couple
of new things, so what?

You act like
you're the first person

to ever join the faire,

to ever feel how special
and freeing this world can be.

There were people here
before you, you know.

I know.
No,
you don't know anything.

Did you know there weren't
any female performers

other than the Queen

until I convinced the Royal

to bring in Washer Wenches
two decades ago?

No, but that --And what about
axe throwing?

Did you think
that was just always here?

Kind of.Well, it wasn't.

I dated the axe gamer
at Raleigh,

and suddenly next summer,

there were axes
at the Royal.

I was the --

I was the pretty princess
with all the big ideas.

And now I'm just
an evil old queen

with nothing
to show for it.

20 years,
and I have nothing.

Maggie,
I -- I'm so sorry.

I --
It's too late.

It doesn't matter.

♪♪

♪♪

[ Sighs ]I'll come back later.

No, no, no.

I went to some places today,

and I need you to reassure me
that I'm still sane.

But we're --
What?

Broken up.

Oh, my God.
When did that happen?

Christ,
I must have blacked out.

What did I do?

No, this morning.

Our fight.

Yeah, it was a fight.

People fight.

You thought
that was breaking up?

It wasn't?

Hon, there's no mistaking
when I break up with someone.

Shit gets said.

That was a blip.

Not even a thing.

It felt like a thing.

I'm new at all of this.

I get it.
Do you?

Because
I'm timid and petulant

and probably
a bunch of other things

that I haven't even
discovered yet.

I think I might talk
in my sleep.

Oh, God.
Do I talk in my sleep?

Do I ever mention
Justin Theroux?

Oh.

You're my boyfriend,
Turtle.

We'll figure it out.

♪♪

Turtle?

Maybe we keep
pitching out pet names.

Okay, whatever you say.

That's what I say.
Yeah.

It's impossible
to move in that stuff.

How do you guys do it?

Have you not noticed that
I'm, like, super ripped?

Just shredded.

I mean, muscles for days.

Oh.

[ Shower turns on ]

♪♪

Ahh.

Let me know
if you need anything.

♪♪

I do.

♪♪

♪♪

Good thing Lil Boy

wasn't here
to interrupt us this time.

Lil Boy!

I'll be right back!

Stay here.

Don't move a muscle.

Not that one
or that one.

What about this one?

Definitely not that one.

All right, you got it.

♪♪

Okay.

♪♪

Everything's okay,
sweetheart,

but please tell me
where on earth

you got the idea that mommy
was going to jail?

She said it.

I found some mail.

From the court.

Is everything okay?

Of course it is.

It's probably
just the court telling me

to come get
that dang passport

I forgot
I sent away for.

Oh.

Now, listen to me.

I'm gonna take care of
everything, okay?

So you don't need to worry
another hot second.

Why don't you try
and find some dry wood

for the campfire?Okay.

Okay?

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry he overheard.

What -- is everything okay?

[ Cries ]

You can tell me.

Is it money?
A Ponzi scheme?

You know,
two of my mom's cousins

got screwed over
by Madoff.

Oh, my God.

Are you somebody's Goomah?

What? No.

Then what's going on?

My parents want custody
of Lil Boy.

They've never approved
of the faire life.

And now they want
to take him away from it

and from me.

[ Scoffs ]

They can do that?

I don't know,
but I'm scared.

[ Sobbing ]

[ Sighs ]

I think I know somebody
who can help.

♪♪

Ahh, yes.

♪♪

Brett?

It's me.

♪♪