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1
00:00:02,402 --> 00:00:03,836
[ Whirring ]
2
00:00:03,903 --> 00:00:05,839
[ Theme music plays ]
3
00:00:05,905 --> 00:00:07,941
♪♪
4
00:00:08,007 --> 00:00:09,509
[ Whirring ]
5
00:00:09,576 --> 00:00:16,576
♪♪
6
00:00:17,317 --> 00:00:19,152
Man: It's alive!
7
00:00:19,219 --> 00:00:26,219
♪♪
8
00:00:28,529 --> 00:00:35,529
♪♪
9
00:00:37,870 --> 00:00:40,440
Yay, Slinky!
How do you like it?!
10
00:00:40,507 --> 00:00:42,307
Terrifying, eh?
A bit nauseous?
11
00:00:42,374 --> 00:00:44,677
Don't you love being
thrown down the stairs?!
12
00:00:44,743 --> 00:00:47,046
Oh, look! You didn't make it
all the way down.
13
00:00:47,113 --> 00:00:49,082
I'll tell you what,
we'll try again.
14
00:00:49,148 --> 00:00:50,983
Slinky, why?!
15
00:00:51,050 --> 00:00:55,454
For my people!
For my people!
16
00:00:55,521 --> 00:00:57,657
Just turned 37.
17
00:01:01,327 --> 00:01:04,296
Captain Planet, there's smog
emergency here in China.
18
00:01:04,363 --> 00:01:05,664
Oh, Planeteers, great.
19
00:01:05,731 --> 00:01:07,935
Let me just press pause
on that dump I was gonna take.
20
00:01:09,602 --> 00:01:11,671
[ Coughing ] How many times do I
have to tell people,
21
00:01:11,737 --> 00:01:13,673
air pollution is a huge problem!
22
00:01:13,739 --> 00:01:17,076
Captain, there has been oil
spill at Dakota Access Pipeline.
23
00:01:17,142 --> 00:01:19,078
We've gone over this so often.
24
00:01:19,145 --> 00:01:20,712
Oil spills are deadly
25
00:01:20,779 --> 00:01:22,649
for the indigenous
creatures of this planet!
26
00:01:22,715 --> 00:01:25,051
Captain, Captain!
27
00:01:25,118 --> 00:01:26,385
Shut the Fuck up,
all right?!
28
00:01:26,452 --> 00:01:28,054
I'm not gonna keep
saving this planet
29
00:01:28,121 --> 00:01:29,989
if you people are just
gonna keep destroying it!
30
00:01:30,055 --> 00:01:31,491
But you have always helped us.
31
00:01:31,557 --> 00:01:33,092
And it's a losing battle, Linka.
32
00:01:33,158 --> 00:01:35,995
I'm just making up beds
in a burning house here! Yeah.
33
00:01:36,061 --> 00:01:38,164
Captain Planet,
what's going on?
34
00:01:38,231 --> 00:01:40,966
The humans of the earth
are ruining you, Gaia.
35
00:01:41,033 --> 00:01:42,968
Now, I've tried to teach them,
but it's no use!
36
00:01:43,035 --> 00:01:44,770
We have to start over.
37
00:01:44,837 --> 00:01:47,340
So be it.
What is happening?!
38
00:01:47,407 --> 00:01:51,076
Children of humanity,
today is your judgment day!
39
00:01:51,143 --> 00:01:53,780
[ Screaming,
Captain Planet laughing ]
40
00:01:53,847 --> 00:01:58,017
I'm Captain Planet!
41
00:01:58,084 --> 00:02:00,753
I'm taking out the trash!
42
00:02:00,820 --> 00:02:03,290
[ Screaming ]
43
00:02:03,357 --> 00:02:08,827
♪♪
44
00:02:08,894 --> 00:02:10,696
What are you going to do
with all your free time now?
45
00:02:10,763 --> 00:02:13,099
I don't know. I still got
that dump on deck.
46
00:02:13,166 --> 00:02:15,467
Kiss me!
47
00:02:15,534 --> 00:02:17,436
Where's this man who says
he knows where my uncle
48
00:02:17,503 --> 00:02:21,241
Benjen is?
49
00:02:21,308 --> 00:02:24,277
For the watch.
For the watch.
50
00:02:24,344 --> 00:02:26,846
-For the watch.
-For the watch.
51
00:02:26,913 --> 00:02:28,248
It was slice to know you!
52
00:02:28,315 --> 00:02:29,549
What the hell was that?
53
00:02:29,616 --> 00:02:30,816
Oh, I was just mixing it up.
54
00:02:30,883 --> 00:02:33,552
No. We're all supposed
to say "For the watch."
55
00:02:33,619 --> 00:02:35,355
That's the point --
for the watch, everyone.
56
00:02:35,422 --> 00:02:37,023
But so many people
had said that already.
57
00:02:37,090 --> 00:02:38,758
I think he's got the point.
58
00:02:38,825 --> 00:02:40,727
"Got the point!" Oh!
59
00:02:40,794 --> 00:02:41,994
Should I stab him
again and say that?
60
00:02:42,061 --> 00:02:43,596
Yeah, you got the point!
No.
61
00:02:43,663 --> 00:02:45,197
Hey, what about, "Sorry, Jon.
62
00:02:45,264 --> 00:02:47,433
I know I've always been
kind of a prick."
63
00:02:47,500 --> 00:02:49,069
Ha ha ha!
'Cause the sharp thing.
64
00:02:49,136 --> 00:02:51,604
[ Laughing ]
That's good!
65
00:02:51,671 --> 00:02:55,374
It's "For
the Fucking watch!"
66
00:02:55,441 --> 00:02:58,411
Now say it.
Fine. Sorry, guys, sorry.
67
00:02:58,478 --> 00:03:01,648
I'm sorry.
For the watch...
68
00:03:01,715 --> 00:03:03,784
me stab you! Yeah!
69
00:03:03,851 --> 00:03:05,452
Stop it!
70
00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:07,620
Po! Po!
71
00:03:07,687 --> 00:03:09,122
La-la! La-la!
Po!
72
00:03:09,189 --> 00:03:11,024
[ Giggling ]
73
00:03:11,091 --> 00:03:12,725
Po! Po!
74
00:03:12,792 --> 00:03:14,461
La-la! La-la!
75
00:03:14,528 --> 00:03:16,962
♪♪
76
00:03:17,029 --> 00:03:19,765
Oh, my fucking God! Shut up!
77
00:03:19,832 --> 00:03:23,102
I'm tires of wasting my life
as your captive audience!
78
00:03:23,169 --> 00:03:25,305
[ Groans ]
79
00:03:25,372 --> 00:03:26,906
Well, it happened --
80
00:03:26,973 --> 00:03:28,607
I spent my entire life
81
00:03:28,674 --> 00:03:32,078
watching you monkey-faced
dildos bounce around,
82
00:03:32,145 --> 00:03:33,946
and now my life is over.
83
00:03:34,013 --> 00:03:36,850
But I'm getting
the last laugh, fools!
84
00:03:36,917 --> 00:03:38,784
[ Laughing ]
85
00:03:38,851 --> 00:03:40,787
[ Groans ]
86
00:03:40,854 --> 00:03:44,057
Huh?
87
00:03:44,124 --> 00:03:46,259
[ Ice shattering ]
88
00:03:46,326 --> 00:03:49,195
Solve the riddle
of the sphinx or die!
89
00:03:49,262 --> 00:03:53,399
Here it is. Cameron Crowe's
1992 grunge opus.
90
00:03:53,466 --> 00:03:55,601
That's the riddle?
Solve it or die!
91
00:03:55,668 --> 00:03:58,204
Seven letters, second
to last letter is an "E."
92
00:03:58,271 --> 00:04:00,239
Are you working on
a crossword puzzle?
93
00:04:00,306 --> 00:04:02,374
That's none of your concern.
94
00:04:02,441 --> 00:04:06,479
Uh, I'm pretty sure that
movie was called "Singles."
95
00:04:06,546 --> 00:04:08,714
Go ahead. You may pass.
96
00:04:08,781 --> 00:04:11,050
Answer my riddle or die.
97
00:04:11,117 --> 00:04:12,284
Another one?
98
00:04:12,351 --> 00:04:13,786
Okay.
Here it is!
99
00:04:13,853 --> 00:04:17,189
Do you want to watch "Singles"
at my house tonight?
100
00:04:17,256 --> 00:04:18,924
Bridget Fonda just wants a guy
101
00:04:18,991 --> 00:04:21,127
to say "bless you"
when she sneezes.
102
00:04:21,194 --> 00:04:22,628
That part will be
important later.
103
00:04:22,695 --> 00:04:26,365
Yeah, I saw this movie in 1992.
I can't stop watching it.
104
00:04:26,432 --> 00:04:28,367
I've seen it five
times this week.
105
00:04:28,434 --> 00:04:30,636
Thanks for the recommendation.
It wasn't really a --
106
00:04:30,703 --> 00:04:32,839
Riddle me this -- do you want
to go in the bedroom?
107
00:04:32,906 --> 00:04:34,807
Do I die if I answer
incorrectly?
108
00:04:34,874 --> 00:04:38,412
Only of horniness! Ha ha ha.
Sorry. I'm nervous.
109
00:04:38,479 --> 00:04:40,346
Argh!
110
00:04:40,413 --> 00:04:43,616
Uh, how did you get lion herpes?
111
00:04:43,683 --> 00:04:45,117
It's a riddle.
112
00:04:45,184 --> 00:04:46,552
Whistle
if you need anything.
113
00:04:46,619 --> 00:04:48,620
You know how to whistle,
don't you, Steve?
114
00:04:48,687 --> 00:04:52,659
Sure, you just put your
lips together and you blow.
115
00:04:52,726 --> 00:04:54,594
'Course I do.
116
00:04:54,661 --> 00:04:58,598
[ Sputtering ]
117
00:04:58,665 --> 00:05:02,835
Good night, Steve.
118
00:05:02,902 --> 00:05:05,937
And in the wake of today's
tragic shooting here in Houston,
119
00:05:06,004 --> 00:05:10,176
I want to offer my prayers to
my families who lost loved ones.
120
00:05:10,243 --> 00:05:12,077
April O'Neil, New York
Channel 6 News.
121
00:05:12,144 --> 00:05:14,179
Mr. Mayor, what connection
does the evil Shredder
122
00:05:14,246 --> 00:05:16,181
have to today's shooting?
I'm not sure what you mean.
123
00:05:16,248 --> 00:05:18,985
There was a single suspect who
later turned the gun on himself.
124
00:05:19,052 --> 00:05:21,320
Mm-hmm. Is it time to bring
in some new crime fighters?
125
00:05:21,387 --> 00:05:22,688
I'm afraid we don't
have the budget
126
00:05:22,755 --> 00:05:23,989
for additional law enforcement.
127
00:05:24,056 --> 00:05:26,225
I specifically meant the
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
128
00:05:26,292 --> 00:05:29,261
I assume that's a private
security company.
129
00:05:29,328 --> 00:05:31,163
More guns on the streets
aren't the answer.
130
00:05:31,230 --> 00:05:33,599
They don't use guns,
they use katanas, bo staffs,
131
00:05:33,666 --> 00:05:35,867
nunchucks, and fork-like
weapons called sais,
132
00:05:35,934 --> 00:05:38,037
which were popularized by
Frank Miller's "Electra" comics.
133
00:05:38,104 --> 00:05:39,305
What are you wearing?
134
00:05:39,372 --> 00:05:40,473
Standard issue
reporter jumpsuit.
135
00:05:40,540 --> 00:05:41,540
Dude, let her wear it.
136
00:05:41,607 --> 00:05:43,910
You're asking if
the City of Houston
137
00:05:43,977 --> 00:05:45,278
should hire ninjas?
138
00:05:45,345 --> 00:05:46,579
Yeah, they mostly
work for pizza.
139
00:05:46,646 --> 00:05:49,348
Miss O'Neil, what are you
credentials exactly?
140
00:05:49,415 --> 00:05:52,217
I am a ravishing reporter,
and sometimes a trained ninja,
141
00:05:52,284 --> 00:05:53,586
depending on which
timeline we're in.
142
00:05:53,653 --> 00:05:54,620
Uh, who's next? You.
143
00:05:54,687 --> 00:05:56,289
J. Jonah Jameson,
"Daily Bugle."
144
00:05:56,356 --> 00:05:58,157
I demand you arrest Spider-Man.
145
00:05:58,224 --> 00:05:59,525
He's a menace!
146
00:05:59,592 --> 00:06:02,194
May I present to you
the ninth wonder of the world --
147
00:06:02,261 --> 00:06:05,198
the only flying
elephant -- Dumbo!
148
00:06:05,265 --> 00:06:06,499
[ Crows laughing ]
149
00:06:06,566 --> 00:06:08,333
Did you ever see
an elephant fly?
150
00:06:08,400 --> 00:06:11,203
-I've seen a horse-fly.
-I've seen a dragonfly.
151
00:06:11,270 --> 00:06:12,405
I've seen a house fly.
152
00:06:12,472 --> 00:06:14,842
I've seen
a man eat his own butt!
153
00:06:16,509 --> 00:06:18,612
Oh, what, we're not
sharing anymore?
154
00:06:20,647 --> 00:06:22,014
Angela?
155
00:06:22,081 --> 00:06:24,416
Slender Man, I knew
you'd find me one day.
156
00:06:24,483 --> 00:06:26,886
I drew your picture
all over my Trapper Keeper.
157
00:06:26,953 --> 00:06:29,489
I need you to do things,
Angela.
158
00:06:29,556 --> 00:06:31,290
Anything for you,
o Slender Man.
159
00:06:31,357 --> 00:06:34,927
You know that little bitch
in your math class -- Nicole?!
160
00:06:34,994 --> 00:06:36,429
Yes, I hate her!
161
00:06:36,496 --> 00:06:39,064
What do you want me to do,
stab her, burn her -- what?
162
00:06:39,131 --> 00:06:41,167
Invite her to
your birthday party.
163
00:06:41,234 --> 00:06:42,702
Um, what? Why?
164
00:06:42,769 --> 00:06:44,436
It's time you two
settled your differences.
165
00:06:44,503 --> 00:06:46,138
Be the bigger person.
But I hate her!
166
00:06:46,205 --> 00:06:47,573
Don't fucking] argue
with me, Angela!
167
00:06:47,640 --> 00:06:49,009
I'm fucking Slender Man!
168
00:06:49,076 --> 00:06:50,309
Okay, okay.
169
00:06:50,376 --> 00:06:52,945
I need you to do something else.
Anything!
170
00:06:53,012 --> 00:06:55,047
Try to study an extra
30 minutes a day.
171
00:06:55,114 --> 00:06:56,716
I think you'll see a marked
improvement in your grades.
172
00:06:56,783 --> 00:06:57,717
Uh...
173
00:06:57,784 --> 00:06:59,018
You said you'd do
anything
174
00:06:59,085 --> 00:07:00,152
for Slender Man!
175
00:07:00,219 --> 00:07:02,287
Is 30 minutes a day
too fucking much to ask,
176
00:07:02,354 --> 00:07:03,990
or should I go and ask
that bitch Nicole?!
177
00:07:04,057 --> 00:07:07,794
No, no, I'll do it!
Now I must go...
178
00:07:07,861 --> 00:07:09,929
[ Whooshing ]
179
00:07:09,996 --> 00:07:12,131
Uh, hi, Nicole.
Happy birthday, Angela.
180
00:07:12,198 --> 00:07:14,133
I'm so glad you invited
me to your party.
181
00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:18,104
Angela! I need you
to do something for me.
182
00:07:18,171 --> 00:07:19,672
More caky for Slendy?
183
00:07:19,739 --> 00:07:23,577
Ugh! Never meet your heroes!
184
00:07:23,644 --> 00:07:24,777
Dear diary.
185
00:07:24,844 --> 00:07:26,712
I wonder what I look like.
186
00:07:26,779 --> 00:07:29,615
Am I beautiful? Am I ugly?
187
00:07:29,682 --> 00:07:31,517
Will I ever know love?
188
00:07:31,584 --> 00:07:33,020
Why won't Kevin look at me?
189
00:07:35,054 --> 00:07:37,223
Uh! What does the surgeon
general know.
190
00:07:37,290 --> 00:07:39,159
He's probably full of shit!
191
00:07:40,393 --> 00:07:42,795
♪♪
192
00:07:42,862 --> 00:07:45,331
Parker, never come in here
without new Spider-Man photos.
193
00:07:45,398 --> 00:07:46,499
I need more, more, more!
194
00:07:46,566 --> 00:07:47,867
I've got one right here,
Mr. Jameson!
195
00:07:47,934 --> 00:07:50,036
Gimme that! Get out!
You have more? Get out!
196
00:07:50,103 --> 00:07:52,939
♪♪
197
00:07:53,006 --> 00:07:55,774
True love -- so pure, so secret.
198
00:07:55,841 --> 00:07:59,278
Will I ever really know you,
my Spider-Man?
199
00:07:59,345 --> 00:08:02,314
Honey, listen, I love that
we work together at the CIA,
200
00:08:02,381 --> 00:08:04,484
but you have to tell me
when you come home early.
201
00:08:04,551 --> 00:08:05,584
What's going on?
202
00:08:05,651 --> 00:08:07,219
Baby, this guy is
a Russian agent
203
00:08:07,286 --> 00:08:09,188
who had plastic surgery
to take my place.
204
00:08:09,255 --> 00:08:10,423
Just shoot him!
No, baby,
205
00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:11,457
he is the Russian agent!
206
00:08:11,524 --> 00:08:12,925
There's only one way to be sure.
207
00:08:12,992 --> 00:08:15,161
I'm gonna ask you a question
that only my husband would know.
208
00:08:15,228 --> 00:08:16,562
What's my favorite TV show.
209
00:08:16,629 --> 00:08:18,497
Oh, I know, uh,
"American Pickers."
210
00:08:18,564 --> 00:08:20,199
"Price is Right"?
Okay, strike that.
211
00:08:20,266 --> 00:08:21,467
When's my birthday?
212
00:08:21,534 --> 00:08:22,735
I should know that.
213
00:08:22,802 --> 00:08:24,003
I should know that, too.
214
00:08:24,070 --> 00:08:25,204
Uh, fine, whatever!
215
00:08:25,271 --> 00:08:26,705
Okay, quick, what do
I like most in bed?
216
00:08:26,772 --> 00:08:29,542
Oh, uh -- is it butt stuff?
Oh, when I come first!
217
00:08:29,609 --> 00:08:31,078
Screw it.
218
00:08:33,712 --> 00:08:36,749
So you see it was not a stone
that made the soup,
219
00:08:36,816 --> 00:08:39,418
it was all of you
contributing ingredients.
220
00:08:39,485 --> 00:08:41,654
And it was a huge shocker
that none of you,
221
00:08:41,721 --> 00:08:46,391
not a single one figured it out.
222
00:08:46,458 --> 00:08:50,029
Never speak a word about
this communal embarrassment.
223
00:08:50,096 --> 00:08:52,098
Agreed?
All: Agreed!
224
00:08:52,165 --> 00:08:54,600
You have had
an interesting week.
225
00:08:54,667 --> 00:08:57,803
Your mother said the EMTs
were called to your house.
226
00:08:57,870 --> 00:08:59,272
Yes.
And they had to use
227
00:08:59,339 --> 00:09:00,573
the jaws of life.
228
00:09:00,639 --> 00:09:02,008
I do not know because
I was unconscious.
229
00:09:02,075 --> 00:09:04,177
Because your penis was...
230
00:09:04,244 --> 00:09:05,812
Stuck in the vacuum cleaner.
231
00:09:05,879 --> 00:09:08,647
Because...
Ugh...
232
00:09:08,714 --> 00:09:11,484
I wanted to see what it was like
to get a BJ from a Transformer.
233
00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:13,386
Before you say anything,
it's less weird than you think
234
00:09:13,453 --> 00:09:14,987
because Transformers
have gender,
235
00:09:15,054 --> 00:09:16,822
and some of the character
designs are really sexy.
236
00:09:16,889 --> 00:09:18,257
And also on a tangential note,
237
00:09:18,324 --> 00:09:20,259
vacuum cleaners really need
a dead man's switch,
238
00:09:20,326 --> 00:09:22,194
like lawn mowers
for obvious reasons.
239
00:09:22,261 --> 00:09:26,498
Okay. There's nothing wrong
with having a rich fantasy life.
240
00:09:26,565 --> 00:09:30,136
But when an individual
can't discern imagination
241
00:09:30,203 --> 00:09:31,871
from reality...
Agh!
242
00:09:31,938 --> 00:09:33,339
What's wrong?
There's a yellow-eyed,
243
00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:36,176
gray-skinned, big, fat dead
circus freak in the closet!
244
00:09:36,243 --> 00:09:37,409
Sounds like my mother-in-law.
245
00:09:37,476 --> 00:09:39,645
Ha, I'm just kidding.
Her eyes are hazel.
246
00:09:39,712 --> 00:09:42,115
But let's get back to these
worrisome delusions
247
00:09:42,182 --> 00:09:43,516
about pop culture.
248
00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:45,384
Hello, sailor.
Oh, my gosh!
249
00:09:45,451 --> 00:09:47,920
It's Aubrey Plaza
from "Parks and Recreation,"
250
00:09:47,987 --> 00:09:49,955
popularly shortened
to "Parks and Rec."
251
00:09:50,022 --> 00:09:52,358
And when I say popularly,
that is a relative term,
252
00:09:52,424 --> 00:09:54,494
because, boy, were
your ratings terrible.
253
00:09:54,561 --> 00:09:55,862
No offense.
Shh. It's me --
254
00:09:55,929 --> 00:09:57,096
your old pal Lenny.
255
00:09:57,163 --> 00:09:58,964
Is Nick Offerman really earthy?
256
00:09:59,031 --> 00:10:01,834
He seems really earthy.
He loves woodworking.
257
00:10:01,901 --> 00:10:03,503
The man's a treasure,
but damn it, kid,
258
00:10:03,570 --> 00:10:05,037
this is "Legion" on FX.
259
00:10:05,104 --> 00:10:06,939
Didn't the hog-beast
in the closet tip you off?
260
00:10:07,006 --> 00:10:08,841
Wait, Chris Christie
is on "Legion"?
261
00:10:08,908 --> 00:10:10,944
Listen, you have hidden powers!
262
00:10:11,011 --> 00:10:13,046
You can alter time and space.
263
00:10:13,113 --> 00:10:14,346
I can?!
264
00:10:14,413 --> 00:10:16,115
And once we team up,
the two of us will--
265
00:10:16,182 --> 00:10:20,385
Aagh! Oh, shit!
Forget it, he's gone.
266
00:10:20,452 --> 00:10:23,088
He's a teenage boy
with the powers of a god.
267
00:10:23,155 --> 00:10:25,224
He could be on Jupiter
for all we know.
268
00:10:25,290 --> 00:10:28,062
He could be anywhere,
doing anything!
269
00:10:30,597 --> 00:10:33,800
What are you doing
with my vacuum cleaner?!
270
00:10:33,867 --> 00:10:35,267
Nothing, Mom! Gosh!
271
00:10:35,334 --> 00:10:37,370
Oh, it looked like
your penis was in it!
272
00:10:37,437 --> 00:10:38,938
I'm -- I'm burning toast.
273
00:10:39,005 --> 00:10:40,339
Phew!
274
00:10:40,406 --> 00:10:43,509
Called upon the fight
the Decepticons once again,
275
00:10:43,576 --> 00:10:46,946
Autobots transform
and suck the--
276
00:10:47,013 --> 00:10:49,382
Agh!
277
00:10:49,449 --> 00:10:56,088
[ Screaming continues ]
278
00:10:56,155 --> 00:10:58,859
[ Screaming stops,
vacuum motor whirring ]
279
00:11:06,633 --> 00:11:08,035
Stupid monkey.
20245
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