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1
00:00:05,039 --> 00:00:05,940
[thunder crashes]
2
00:00:06,040 --> 00:00:08,776
[laughs evilly]
3
00:00:08,876 --> 00:00:10,978
[ sawing ]
4
00:00:16,083 --> 00:00:17,985
[ electricity crackles ]
5
00:00:18,085 --> 00:00:19,887
It's alive!
6
00:00:27,294 --> 00:00:28,362
[thunder crashes]
7
00:00:28,462 --> 00:00:32,366
[laughs evilly]
8
00:00:32,466 --> 00:00:34,368
[ smooch! ]
9
00:00:34,468 --> 00:00:35,870
[laughs evilly]
10
00:00:38,172 --> 00:00:40,708
Now, "Top Chef: Sweden"!
11
00:00:40,808 --> 00:00:44,412
ALL: Bork! Bork! Bork!
Bork! Bork!
12
00:00:44,512 --> 00:00:48,182
[all mumbling loudly]
13
00:00:48,282 --> 00:00:49,517
Your challenge is --
14
00:00:49,617 --> 00:00:50,751
ALL:
[muttering ]
15
00:00:50,851 --> 00:00:53,521
Your challenge --
your challenge is
16
00:00:53,621 --> 00:00:56,057
to prepare the traditional
Scandinavian dish
17
00:00:56,157 --> 00:00:57,758
known as lutefisk!
18
00:00:57,858 --> 00:00:59,493
Bork!
19
00:00:59,593 --> 00:01:02,229
Step aside, dudes.
Time for a shell spin!
20
00:01:02,329 --> 00:01:04,665
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Turtle power!
21
00:01:04,765 --> 00:01:06,534
[chuckles]
[grunts]
22
00:01:06,634 --> 00:01:08,002
[chuckling ]
Hey, hey-
23
00:01:08,102 --> 00:01:10,337
Hey, dudes, little, uh...
[grunts]
24
00:01:10,438 --> 00:01:13,107
Little help here!
Leo?
25
00:01:13,207 --> 00:01:15,609
Little help!
26
00:01:15,709 --> 00:01:17,678
So, Loki's like,
"please have mercy!"
27
00:01:17,778 --> 00:01:19,046
and I was all, "Sorry, pal.
28
00:01:19,146 --> 00:01:20,915
Can't hear a thing
in this helmet."
29
00:01:21,015 --> 00:01:23,617
Ba-da-boom!
Chest-mounted unibeam, baby.
30
00:01:23,717 --> 00:01:24,552
[ laughter]
31
00:01:24,652 --> 00:01:25,786
You is the man!
32
00:01:25,886 --> 00:01:27,855
Got a story from the fight,
Jolly Green?
33
00:01:27,955 --> 00:01:30,157
Well, Hulk smash.
34
00:01:30,257 --> 00:01:31,992
And Hulk smash.
35
00:01:32,093 --> 00:01:34,028
But then... Hulk smash!
36
00:01:34,128 --> 00:01:36,163
No freaking way, man!
37
00:01:36,263 --> 00:01:38,299
- Swearsies.
- [ laughter]
38
00:01:38,399 --> 00:01:40,935
Okay, well, okay, so,
I-l kicked this guy,
39
00:01:41,035 --> 00:01:42,770
and I shot him
with my pistols.
40
00:01:42,870 --> 00:01:45,606
And it turns out that he was,
uh, bulletproof
41
00:01:45,706 --> 00:01:47,908
and also kick-proof.
42
00:01:48,008 --> 00:01:50,578
Oh, God! I'm, like,
the lamest one on this team!
43
00:01:50,678 --> 00:01:54,815
I don't even know why you guys
keep me around.
44
00:01:54,915 --> 00:01:58,319
Ohhhh, yeah.
45
00:02:00,321 --> 00:02:03,524
♪ Baby, baby, baby, baby ♪
46
00:02:03,624 --> 00:02:06,861
[gasps]
47
00:02:06,961 --> 00:02:08,129
♪ Mm ♪
48
00:02:08,229 --> 00:02:09,263
Don't talk like that.
49
00:02:09,363 --> 00:02:11,265
You're a critical component
of this team.
50
00:02:11,365 --> 00:02:12,700
Right, fellas?
- Absolutely, uh-huh.
51
00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:13,601
Yeah. Sure.
52
00:02:13,701 --> 00:02:15,836
I guess whoever we fight next
better watch out
53
00:02:15,936 --> 00:02:17,805
for the Black Widow, huh?!
54
00:02:17,905 --> 00:02:19,006
ALL:
Yeah!
55
00:02:19,106 --> 00:02:20,307
Black Widow's gone now,
56
00:02:20,407 --> 00:02:22,309
but she leaves behind the gift
of knowledge --
57
00:02:22,409 --> 00:02:23,744
the knowledge
that you cannot
58
00:02:23,844 --> 00:02:26,580
defeat
Demogorge the God-Eater
59
00:02:26,680 --> 00:02:27,915
with a karate kick.
60
00:02:28,015 --> 00:02:29,984
But I almost got him
with my arrows.
61
00:02:30,084 --> 00:02:32,119
Right -- right, guys?
62
00:02:32,219 --> 00:02:34,188
[sobs]
What am I saying?!
63
00:02:34,288 --> 00:02:37,858
I don't even know why you guys
keep me around!
64
00:02:37,958 --> 00:02:41,562
♪ Ooh, ooh, oh, oh, oh ♪
65
00:02:44,532 --> 00:02:49,937
Ohhh, yeah.
66
00:02:50,037 --> 00:02:52,072
ANNOUNCER:
Next Thursday on NBS...
67
00:02:52,173 --> 00:02:54,041
Flatline!
We're losing him!
68
00:02:54,141 --> 00:02:55,609
O-o-o-ouch!
69
00:02:55,709 --> 00:02:57,478
...a suicide victim
will be saved...
70
00:02:57,578 --> 00:02:59,680
-[gasps]
- Hooray! He's alive!
71
00:02:59,780 --> 00:03:01,048
Damn it! I'm alive!
72
00:03:01,148 --> 00:03:05,186
...by the hospital's most
talented physician.
73
00:03:05,286 --> 00:03:08,255
But when Dr. E. T.'s old demons
come back to haunt him...
74
00:03:08,355 --> 00:03:10,524
I'll put it ri-i-i-ght here.
75
00:03:10,624 --> 00:03:12,927
Hey, prick, that's my
girlfriend!
76
00:03:13,027 --> 00:03:15,229
Step off.
77
00:03:15,329 --> 00:03:16,330
O-o-ouch!
78
00:03:16,430 --> 00:03:18,732
...he'll face his greatest
challenge yet.
79
00:03:18,832 --> 00:03:21,135
He's dying.
You have to do something!
80
00:03:21,235 --> 00:03:22,303
Doctor?!
81
00:03:22,403 --> 00:03:25,139
I'll be ri-i-i-i-ght back.
82
00:03:25,239 --> 00:03:26,574
[ Metal clatters, door closes ]
83
00:03:26,674 --> 00:03:28,976
- MAN: Hey, that's my bike!
- E.T.: Step off, bro.
84
00:03:29,076 --> 00:03:34,014
[bicycle bell clinging]
85
00:03:34,114 --> 00:03:37,618
Thursday on an all-new
E.T. -- Emergency Terrestrial. ”
86
00:03:37,718 --> 00:03:40,154
[ laughing ]
Yeah! Bachelor party!
87
00:03:40,254 --> 00:03:43,924
I'm buying you a lap dance,
buddy!
88
00:03:44,024 --> 00:03:45,492
[bell above door jingles]
89
00:03:45,593 --> 00:03:46,894
You wait right there, Harry.
90
00:03:46,994 --> 00:03:49,797
I'm gonna change into something
more comfortable.
91
00:03:49,897 --> 00:03:51,999
Dongus stoutus!
92
00:03:52,099 --> 00:03:54,201
[sighs]
Oh, come on.
93
00:03:54,301 --> 00:03:56,170
Uh, beef us girthus?
94
00:03:56,270 --> 00:03:57,638
Poleus maximus?
95
00:03:57,738 --> 00:03:59,373
Aaaaaah!
96
00:03:59,473 --> 00:04:02,910
[cellphone vibrates]
97
00:04:03,010 --> 00:04:06,580
[cellphone bloops]
98
00:04:09,950 --> 00:04:13,554
Stalkus minimus! Stalkus minimus!
Stalkus minimus!
99
00:04:13,654 --> 00:04:16,390
Now let me see what the famous
Harry Potter's packing.
100
00:04:16,490 --> 00:04:17,925
[ Chuckles ]
101
00:04:18,025 --> 00:04:19,760
[gasps]
Why do you have a vadge?
102
00:04:22,296 --> 00:04:27,635
♪ [video game music] ♪
103
00:04:27,735 --> 00:04:29,203
[ sproing! sproing! sproing!]
104
00:04:29,303 --> 00:04:32,506
I-Is he gone?
Oh, phew!
105
00:04:32,606 --> 00:04:34,275
Dude's a fucking stalker.
106
00:04:34,375 --> 00:04:35,909
[gasps]
The royal family!
107
00:04:36,010 --> 00:04:37,244
They're coming our way!
108
00:04:37,344 --> 00:04:39,480
Ohh, aren't they just
adorable?
109
00:04:39,580 --> 00:04:41,815
Greatest... moment...
of my life.
110
00:04:41,915 --> 00:04:44,351
Oh, and I've been totally
needing a new bra.
111
00:04:44,451 --> 00:04:45,619
What are you -- aah!
112
00:04:45,719 --> 00:04:47,021
BOTH:
Aaaaah!
113
00:04:47,121 --> 00:04:48,188
[gasps]
I want one!
114
00:04:48,289 --> 00:04:49,323
Mommy! Daddy!
115
00:04:49,423 --> 00:04:50,291
[ Snaps! ]
116
00:04:50,391 --> 00:04:52,226
Check it out --
pasties!
117
00:04:52,326 --> 00:04:54,828
Aaaagh!
118
00:04:54,928 --> 00:04:56,397
[gagging]
119
00:04:56,497 --> 00:04:59,733
Now, girls, remember,
we're only here to browse.
120
00:04:59,833 --> 00:05:02,770
[whining ]
Daddy, no! I want them!
121
00:05:02,870 --> 00:05:04,171
You heard me!
Let's go!
122
00:05:04,271 --> 00:05:05,806
[ crying ]
This is so unfair.
123
00:05:05,906 --> 00:05:07,808
It's like he doesn't even care
how cruel he is!
124
00:05:07,908 --> 00:05:08,876
[sighs]
125
00:05:08,976 --> 00:05:10,411
[choking ]
126
00:05:10,511 --> 00:05:11,478
[coughs]
127
00:05:11,578 --> 00:05:13,947
Godzilla has left the nation
in ruins!
128
00:05:14,048 --> 00:05:17,184
Oh, no! California's most
treasured landmark!
129
00:05:17,284 --> 00:05:19,987
Oh, no! California's most
treasured landmark
130
00:05:20,087 --> 00:05:22,489
despite what those a-holes down
in Los Angeles think.
131
00:05:22,589 --> 00:05:24,525
Godzilla is pulling some hot
stripper-pole action
132
00:05:24,625 --> 00:05:26,026
on the Sears Tower
or whatever the fuck
133
00:05:26,126 --> 00:05:27,261
we call it these days.
134
00:05:27,361 --> 00:05:28,896
What is it?
Wil-- Willis Tower?
135
00:05:28,996 --> 00:05:30,631
I'm hearing Willis Tower.
136
00:05:30,731 --> 00:05:32,399
And after destroying
Manhattan,
137
00:05:32,499 --> 00:05:35,569
Godzilla is finally
headed back out to sea.
138
00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:38,305
Oh!
Total dick move by Godzilla.
139
00:05:38,405 --> 00:05:39,840
Nowhere near water is safe!
140
00:05:39,940 --> 00:05:42,710
It has never been a better time
to be a landlocked state.
141
00:05:42,810 --> 00:05:45,346
Tourism here in Des Moines is
through the roof!
142
00:05:45,446 --> 00:05:46,847
We're all rich!
143
00:05:46,947 --> 00:05:47,815
[cheers and applause]
[dialing ]
144
00:05:47,915 --> 00:05:49,883
This is the mayor's assistant,
Mr. G.
145
00:05:49,983 --> 00:05:52,152
Your check is in the mail.
146
00:05:52,252 --> 00:05:55,155
Ha ha ha ha!
147
00:05:55,255 --> 00:05:58,592
Oh, how the hell am I supposed
to cash this?
148
00:05:58,692 --> 00:06:00,461
Disneyland is
a magical place
149
00:06:00,561 --> 00:06:02,396
that's fun
for the whole family.
150
00:06:02,496 --> 00:06:03,864
Even teenagers.
151
00:06:03,964 --> 00:06:05,199
Because at Disneyland,
152
00:06:05,299 --> 00:06:06,834
there are dozens
of secret places
153
00:06:06,934 --> 00:06:09,370
for young people to give
each other hand jobs.
154
00:06:09,470 --> 00:06:12,373
Come ride "The Many Adventures
of Winnie the Pooh."
155
00:06:12,473 --> 00:06:15,342
And when you exit, make a left
at the water fountain
156
00:06:15,442 --> 00:06:18,645
and find the perfect nook to
give or receive a hand job.
157
00:06:18,746 --> 00:06:20,314
Fill your hand job passport
158
00:06:20,414 --> 00:06:22,249
with stamps from locations
like...
159
00:06:22,349 --> 00:06:24,952
behind the dumpster
next to the Matterhorn.
160
00:06:25,052 --> 00:06:28,322
Under the baby-changing station
in Critter Country.
161
00:06:28,422 --> 00:06:30,190
Or under the president's desk
162
00:06:30,290 --> 00:06:33,060
in "Great Moments
with Mr. Lincoln."
163
00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:34,795
because as Walt Disney
said...
164
00:06:34,895 --> 00:06:37,598
Disneyland is the happiest
place on earth...
165
00:06:37,698 --> 00:06:41,668
for teenagers to jizz all over
each other's young, Aryan hands.
166
00:06:41,769 --> 00:06:46,173
[crow cawing ]
167
00:06:46,273 --> 00:06:49,176
Presto change-o!
168
00:06:49,276 --> 00:06:51,879
Ugh, I said presto change-o,
169
00:06:51,979 --> 00:06:54,982
not pesto change-o!
170
00:06:55,082 --> 00:06:56,784
And that's when the female
starbuck
171
00:06:56,884 --> 00:06:58,952
got in the shower with me.
- Ooh!
172
00:06:59,052 --> 00:07:01,355
But from the neck down,
she was Dirk Benedict.
173
00:07:01,455 --> 00:07:02,423
Ooh.
174
00:07:02,523 --> 00:07:05,092
- When I woke up, I still had wood.
- Ooh.
175
00:07:05,192 --> 00:07:07,961
Watch me scare those nerds!
176
00:07:08,061 --> 00:07:11,331
[grunting ]
Munson!
177
00:07:11,432 --> 00:07:14,535
Munson might
be going to prison.
178
00:07:14,635 --> 00:07:16,336
[gasps]
Dirk Benedict!
179
00:07:16,437 --> 00:07:18,806
Ow!
180
00:07:18,906 --> 00:07:20,741
Where is everybody?
181
00:07:20,841 --> 00:07:22,643
Hello-o-o-o?
182
00:07:22,743 --> 00:07:25,279
"Don't dead, open inside."
183
00:07:25,379 --> 00:07:29,049
Ha Ha!
Epic typography fail.
184
00:07:29,149 --> 00:07:32,786
Oh, my gosh,
that's Courtney!
185
00:07:32,886 --> 00:07:34,054
Aah!
186
00:07:34,154 --> 00:07:35,689
Aaaaah!
Oh, phew.
187
00:07:35,789 --> 00:07:38,225
You're not a walker.
- What? I-I'm not a what?
188
00:07:38,325 --> 00:07:40,561
It means zombie without
having to say "zombie."
189
00:07:40,661 --> 00:07:42,396
It's just one
of the little details
190
00:07:42,496 --> 00:07:44,398
that makes Robert Kirkman's
"The Walking Dead"
191
00:07:44,498 --> 00:07:46,099
such an intelligent
and original --
192
00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:47,501
- Aah!
- Come with me!
193
00:07:47,601 --> 00:07:49,903
Apocalyptic crises tend to break
down social barriers,
194
00:07:50,003 --> 00:07:52,539
so it's totally likely that you
and I will fall in love.
195
00:07:52,639 --> 00:07:55,142
Whoa!
Wait, wait, wait.
196
00:07:55,242 --> 00:07:57,411
I'm all yours, boys!
Aah!
197
00:07:57,511 --> 00:07:59,146
Oh, dang.
198
00:07:59,246 --> 00:08:01,315
What caused
the zombie outbreak?
199
00:08:01,415 --> 00:08:04,718
Let's consult the zombie
backstory generator!
200
00:08:04,818 --> 00:08:05,953
"Supervirus."
201
00:08:06,053 --> 00:08:08,555
Oh, wait a minute.
They all say "supervirus."
202
00:08:08,655 --> 00:08:09,890
[gunshots]
203
00:08:09,990 --> 00:08:12,459
Munson! Those used to be
people, you monster!
204
00:08:12,559 --> 00:08:14,161
Don't use them for target
practice!
205
00:08:14,261 --> 00:08:17,631
Wipe the crap out of your
eyes, dickstain.
206
00:08:17,731 --> 00:08:20,000
That's my mom's car!
Knock it off!
207
00:08:20,100 --> 00:08:20,901
[handcuffs click]
208
00:08:21,001 --> 00:08:24,204
- Uh-oh!
- Oh, come on!
209
00:08:24,304 --> 00:08:25,339
[zombies growling]
210
00:08:25,439 --> 00:08:27,441
All those gunshots
attracted them!
211
00:08:27,541 --> 00:08:28,442
We need to get out of here!
212
00:08:28,542 --> 00:08:29,877
Hey, turd burglars!
213
00:08:29,977 --> 00:08:32,145
Oh, yeah! The key!
214
00:08:32,246 --> 00:08:34,681
[ growls ]
215
00:08:34,781 --> 00:08:37,117
Hey, throw me that hacksaw!
216
00:08:37,217 --> 00:08:39,720
Thanks!
- Munson!
217
00:08:39,820 --> 00:08:42,256
- Throw me another hacksaw.
- There are no more hacksaws.
218
00:08:42,356 --> 00:08:43,624
This is all we have left.
219
00:08:43,724 --> 00:08:47,361
How the fuck does this
help me?
220
00:08:47,461 --> 00:08:49,296
How did they get out of this
on "The Walking Dead"?
221
00:08:49,396 --> 00:08:51,098
Well, actually,
in episode three --
222
00:08:51,198 --> 00:08:52,432
No, no, no, don't tell me!
223
00:08:52,533 --> 00:08:55,335
I still have like a zillion
episodes on my DVR!
224
00:08:55,435 --> 00:08:56,770
Oh, man, I bet the show has
225
00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:58,839
tons of clever tips for
defeating zombies.
226
00:08:58,939 --> 00:09:00,874
- We do!
- BOTH: Wow!
227
00:09:00,974 --> 00:09:04,978
"Walking Dead" creator
Robert Kirkman!
228
00:09:05,078 --> 00:09:07,714
So...
can we have a tip?
229
00:09:07,814 --> 00:09:08,882
Here's a tip.
230
00:09:08,982 --> 00:09:10,450
Season two
of "The Walking Dead"
231
00:09:10,551 --> 00:09:12,786
is now available
on Blu-ray and DVD!
232
00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:14,521
Aah! Ow! Ow! Aah!
233
00:09:14,621 --> 00:09:16,356
Oh! Wait a minute!
234
00:09:16,456 --> 00:09:18,592
I never wanted to see
what that looks like!
235
00:09:18,692 --> 00:09:20,227
Aaah!
236
00:09:20,327 --> 00:09:21,828
Uh-oh.
237
00:09:21,929 --> 00:09:24,231
[grunts]
238
00:09:24,331 --> 00:09:26,166
- Ew!
- Gross!
239
00:09:26,266 --> 00:09:27,634
[zombies sniffing]
240
00:09:27,734 --> 00:09:30,370
It's like zombie camouflage.
241
00:09:30,470 --> 00:09:33,140
Just keep acting like zombies --
no matter what.
242
00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:35,175
Oh, hey there, Courtney!
243
00:09:35,275 --> 00:09:37,511
Meeeeeeh, meeeh.
244
00:09:37,611 --> 00:09:40,414
Uhhhh...
245
00:09:40,514 --> 00:09:42,416
Meeeeeeeh!
246
00:09:42,516 --> 00:09:48,155
Uhhhhh...
247
00:09:48,255 --> 00:09:52,159
♪ [ discordant tones play] ♪
248
00:09:52,259 --> 00:09:55,329
I can't believe you're gonna
nail a cheerleader tonight!
249
00:09:55,429 --> 00:09:59,933
I wonder if zombie boobs
still feel like boobs.
250
00:10:00,033 --> 00:10:02,402
- I call dibs.
- Ugh.
251
00:10:02,502 --> 00:10:04,304
Anyone have a Ziploc?
252
00:10:04,671 --> 00:10:05,505
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
253
00:10:05,606 --> 00:10:06,673
♪ Ba-bawk bawk
bawk ♪
254
00:10:06,773 --> 00:10:08,809
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
bawk bawk ♪
255
00:10:08,909 --> 00:10:09,943
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
256
00:10:10,043 --> 00:10:10,944
♪ Ba-bawk bawk
bawk J"
257
00:10:11,044 --> 00:10:13,113
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
bawk bawk ♪
258
00:10:13,213 --> 00:10:14,181
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
259
00:10:14,281 --> 00:10:15,248
♪ Ba-bawk bawk
bawk ♪
260
00:10:15,349 --> 00:10:17,451
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
bawk bawk ♪
261
00:10:17,551 --> 00:10:21,455
Ba-gawk! Bawk.
262
00:10:21,555 --> 00:10:24,658
Hey, everyone. I just wanna apologize
for the joke about the pesto.
263
00:10:24,758 --> 00:10:26,994
I had dinner with my parents
the night before
264
00:10:27,094 --> 00:10:29,229
and my dad made the joke
about "pesto change-o!"
265
00:10:29,329 --> 00:10:31,498
and then he said, "hey, you
should put that into your act."
266
00:10:31,598 --> 00:10:32,733
and I said,
"Ha, ha, yeah."
267
00:10:32,833 --> 00:10:34,201
You know, like
I'm being polite.
268
00:10:34,301 --> 00:10:35,636
But then my mama
cornered me later
269
00:10:35,736 --> 00:10:38,271
and she said it would really mean
a lot to him, so I caved.
270
00:10:38,372 --> 00:10:40,007
But this is my career,
you know,
271
00:10:40,107 --> 00:10:41,308
and you guys deserve better.
272
00:10:41,408 --> 00:10:43,243
So, again, I apologize.
273
00:10:43,343 --> 00:10:44,978
That was a-terrible.
274
00:10:45,078 --> 00:10:46,980
I'm-a so sorry.
18898
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