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1
00:00:05,039 --> 00:00:05,973
[thunder crashes]
2
00:00:06,040 --> 00:00:08,809
[laughs evilly]
3
00:00:08,876 --> 00:00:10,978
[ sawing ]
4
00:00:16,083 --> 00:00:18,019
[ electricity crackles ]
5
00:00:18,085 --> 00:00:19,887
It's alive!
6
00:00:27,294 --> 00:00:28,396
[thunder crashes]
7
00:00:28,462 --> 00:00:32,400
[laughs evilly]
8
00:00:32,466 --> 00:00:34,402
[ smooch! ]
9
00:00:34,468 --> 00:00:35,870
[laughs evilly]
10
00:00:38,205 --> 00:00:39,640
I saw Springsteen
from the back row,
11
00:00:39,707 --> 00:00:40,875
and he still crushed it.
12
00:00:40,941 --> 00:00:42,243
Shame about Clarence Clemons.
13
00:00:42,309 --> 00:00:44,779
Eh, saxophone is like
the parsley of rock 'n' roll.
14
00:00:44,845 --> 00:00:47,081
A normal conversation
between two men.
15
00:00:47,148 --> 00:00:49,150
But is it normal? No!
16
00:00:49,216 --> 00:00:51,919
Because...
their dicks are out.
17
00:00:51,986 --> 00:00:53,821
We meet again, Ryu,
18
00:00:53,888 --> 00:00:56,690
only this time
we fight to the death!
19
00:00:56,757 --> 00:00:58,426
Actually, no.
It's to knockout.
20
00:00:58,492 --> 00:01:00,061
Best two out of three.
Remember?
21
00:01:00,127 --> 00:01:01,962
It was... all...
covered in the packet.
22
00:01:02,029 --> 00:01:03,431
Um, sorry. The what, now?
23
00:01:03,497 --> 00:01:05,666
The packet I spent Weeks
putting together?
24
00:01:05,733 --> 00:01:06,967
You don't have your packet?
25
00:01:07,034 --> 00:01:08,369
Oh, right! Right!
No, I have it.
26
00:01:08,436 --> 00:01:10,538
Yeah, it's just, uh --
it's in the bag.
27
00:01:10,604 --> 00:01:12,506
[cellphone rings]
Yeah?
28
00:01:12,573 --> 00:01:14,175
Well, Ken,
if your opponent's late,
29
00:01:14,241 --> 00:01:15,276
you give him a call.
30
00:01:15,342 --> 00:01:17,178
There's a contact sheet
in the packet.
31
00:01:17,244 --> 00:01:19,847
Let's see -- contact sheet,
contact sheet...
32
00:01:19,914 --> 00:01:21,415
No, I don't see it.
33
00:01:21,482 --> 00:01:23,150
You must have forgotten
to put it in.
34
00:01:23,217 --> 00:01:24,785
Fine.
I'll get it for you.
35
00:01:24,852 --> 00:01:26,387
[cellphone beeps]
Hold on.
36
00:01:26,454 --> 00:01:27,488
What's the problem, Guile?
37
00:01:27,555 --> 00:01:28,789
I'll tell you the problem --
38
00:01:28,856 --> 00:01:31,292
E. Honda's venue is
a bathhouse,
39
00:01:31,358 --> 00:01:33,160
like a full-on
"we're all guys here,
40
00:01:33,227 --> 00:01:35,129
so let's get naked"
bathhouse.
41
00:01:35,196 --> 00:01:37,898
What? In my culture,
it's a familiar setting.
42
00:01:37,965 --> 00:01:39,333
Hey, no one told me
I'd be fighting
43
00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:41,068
with all these
sushi rolls hanging out!
44
00:01:41,135 --> 00:01:42,369
It was all described
in the pa--
45
00:01:42,436 --> 00:01:45,106
Oh, hold on a minute.
What is it?
46
00:01:45,172 --> 00:01:46,907
[ Screams ]
47
00:01:46,974 --> 00:01:48,642
No!
Don't you scream at me.
48
00:01:48,709 --> 00:01:51,445
It's specifically noted that
your hotel doesn't allow pets.
49
00:01:51,512 --> 00:01:53,147
We -- Ohh! What?!
50
00:01:53,214 --> 00:01:56,150
It's been 20 minutes.
I don't think E. Honda's coming.
51
00:01:56,217 --> 00:01:58,886
E. Honda?
You're not fighting E. Honda.
52
00:01:58,953 --> 00:02:00,788
You're fighting a Honda.
53
00:02:00,855 --> 00:02:03,057
- I'm fighting a car?
- Yes.
54
00:02:03,124 --> 00:02:04,658
That's the stupidest thing
I've ever heard.
55
00:02:04,725 --> 00:02:07,061
It was in the packet!
You know what?
56
00:02:07,128 --> 00:02:08,963
From now on,
you lose your packet,
57
00:02:09,029 --> 00:02:10,831
you are out of the
tournament.
58
00:02:10,898 --> 00:02:12,867
Fine, fine.
I'm punching the car.
59
00:02:12,933 --> 00:02:15,236
Oh. He's not hitting back.
How exciting!
60
00:02:15,302 --> 00:02:17,738
Wow. What a great idea.
61
00:02:17,805 --> 00:02:19,573
Hey... hey, this is
kind of fun.
62
00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:20,841
Shoryuken!
63
00:02:20,908 --> 00:02:22,743
[glass shatters ]
64
00:02:22,810 --> 00:02:24,512
[metal clangs]
65
00:02:24,578 --> 00:02:25,579
Shoryuken!
66
00:02:25,646 --> 00:02:27,448
Tiger! Tiger!
[ boom! ]
67
00:02:27,515 --> 00:02:28,682
[grunting]
Oh, man!
68
00:02:28,749 --> 00:02:31,552
I accidentally just
tiger-punched my packet, dude!
69
00:02:31,619 --> 00:02:33,687
[ Chuckles ]
That is classic Sagat.
70
00:02:33,754 --> 00:02:35,756
I mean, I don't know
what happened there.
71
00:02:35,823 --> 00:02:36,857
[cellphone rings]
72
00:02:36,924 --> 00:02:38,192
This better be good,
M. Bison.
73
00:02:38,259 --> 00:02:40,761
I think I got the wrong
packet, man.
74
00:02:43,430 --> 00:02:45,032
Where I come from,
pop means soda.
75
00:02:45,099 --> 00:02:46,133
That reminds me of the time
76
00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:48,235
I drank 20 sodas in an hour
back in college.
77
00:02:48,302 --> 00:02:50,371
Don't even get me started
on the college days.
78
00:02:50,437 --> 00:02:51,939
"Saved by the Bell:
The College Years"
79
00:02:52,006 --> 00:02:53,140
was my favorite
show.
80
00:02:53,207 --> 00:02:54,642
BOTH:
[ laugh ]
81
00:02:54,708 --> 00:02:56,944
We must hide
from the Autobots.
82
00:02:57,011 --> 00:03:00,614
Quickly, Megatron!
In here!
83
00:03:00,681 --> 00:03:02,683
♪ [techno music plays]♪
84
00:03:02,750 --> 00:03:04,585
Aah!
85
00:03:07,321 --> 00:03:08,489
Where's our escort?
86
00:03:08,556 --> 00:03:10,624
The Germans are cutting us
to pieces!
87
00:03:10,691 --> 00:03:13,827
We're saved, boys!
Here come the Red Tails!
88
00:03:13,894 --> 00:03:15,563
[as Humphrey Bogart]
Somebody order some backup,
89
00:03:15,629 --> 00:03:16,630
sweethearts?
90
00:03:16,697 --> 00:03:18,866
Wait a minute!
Those aren't the Red Tails!
91
00:03:18,933 --> 00:03:20,834
Those are the Shirt Tales!
92
00:03:20,901 --> 00:03:22,870
Let's go get them, guys!
Doing!
93
00:03:22,937 --> 00:03:25,739
Oh, goodness.
I sure hope we win.
94
00:03:28,142 --> 00:03:30,344
Digger, they're on our side!
95
00:03:30,411 --> 00:03:32,913
Eh?
96
00:03:32,980 --> 00:03:34,548
Digger, no!
97
00:03:34,615 --> 00:03:36,116
Whoo-hoo! I'm killing it!
98
00:03:36,183 --> 00:03:37,551
We've been had, boys.
99
00:03:37,618 --> 00:03:40,621
The Shirt Tales are working
for the Jerries.
100
00:03:40,688 --> 00:03:43,958
[ whimpers ]
101
00:03:44,024 --> 00:03:46,260
Wait, wait.
We're on your side, sweethearts!
102
00:03:46,327 --> 00:03:47,895
That Jerry's trying to fool us
103
00:03:47,962 --> 00:03:49,930
with a Humphrey Bogart
impression, boys.
104
00:03:49,997 --> 00:03:52,266
No mercy!
105
00:03:52,333 --> 00:03:53,434
[grunts]
106
00:03:53,500 --> 00:03:57,171
We're Americans!
We're goddamn Americans!
107
00:04:08,148 --> 00:04:10,251
They were just zoo animals.
108
00:04:10,317 --> 00:04:13,854
How'd they even make it
through ground school?
109
00:04:13,921 --> 00:04:15,923
[shirts beep]
110
00:04:20,394 --> 00:04:22,997
Count of three, take
Bin Laden alive if we can.
111
00:04:23,063 --> 00:04:24,665
One, two, three.
112
00:04:24,732 --> 00:04:26,567
ALL:
Go, go, go, go, move!
113
00:04:29,637 --> 00:04:31,639
Commander?
Lieutenant Edwards.
114
00:04:31,705 --> 00:04:33,507
Dead when we got here, sir.
115
00:04:33,574 --> 00:04:35,576
An auto-erotic asphyxiation
accident.
116
00:04:35,643 --> 00:04:37,378
He's... in a dress.
117
00:04:37,444 --> 00:04:39,013
Well, that's when
you choke yourself
118
00:04:39,079 --> 00:04:40,714
to cut off the blood
supply to your brain
119
00:04:40,781 --> 00:04:41,949
as you masturbate, sir.
120
00:04:42,016 --> 00:04:43,350
It intensifies orgasm.
121
00:04:43,417 --> 00:04:45,719
Oh, it does, but it's dangerous,
sir, obviously.
122
00:04:45,786 --> 00:04:47,488
Yes, I do understand
how it would look
123
00:04:47,554 --> 00:04:49,890
if the history books
told future generations
124
00:04:49,957 --> 00:04:51,792
that a porn-loving jerkoff
enthusiast
125
00:04:51,859 --> 00:04:53,861
had gotten the upper hand
on America, yeah.
126
00:04:53,927 --> 00:04:56,196
Understood. Yes, sir.
127
00:04:56,263 --> 00:04:58,799
Move it, people.
Come on! Go, go, go, go.
128
00:04:58,866 --> 00:05:00,534
Go, go, go, go, go.
129
00:05:02,603 --> 00:05:04,538
Sal, I don't know how
I'm gonna do it,
130
00:05:04,605 --> 00:05:06,073
but I'm gonna fuck
that thing.
131
00:05:06,140 --> 00:05:08,208
Everything
in the heavens is here,
132
00:05:08,275 --> 00:05:10,244
moving
as the heavens move.
133
00:05:10,311 --> 00:05:12,813
This predicts the coming of
the great conjunction?
134
00:05:12,880 --> 00:05:15,549
No! This tracks
Aughra's ovulation.
135
00:05:15,616 --> 00:05:18,085
Not many more chances
has Aughra.
136
00:05:18,152 --> 00:05:19,653
She must find a man
137
00:05:19,720 --> 00:05:21,622
before the great moon sets
in the East.
138
00:05:21,689 --> 00:05:23,991
What does this have to do
with me?
139
00:05:24,058 --> 00:05:26,927
I think you know
all too well, gelfling.
140
00:05:26,994 --> 00:05:29,163
Ohh. You've got crabs.
141
00:05:29,229 --> 00:05:31,165
Oh, but I use the cream!
142
00:05:31,231 --> 00:05:32,800
Quick! Come with me!
143
00:05:32,866 --> 00:05:35,969
I'll protect you
and your precious seed.
144
00:05:36,036 --> 00:05:37,204
Uh...
145
00:05:38,806 --> 00:05:41,575
I'd like the morning-after
pill, please.
146
00:05:41,642 --> 00:05:43,877
King Don, you have
driven our lands
147
00:05:43,944 --> 00:05:45,746
into ruin and bankruptcy.
148
00:05:45,813 --> 00:05:48,282
Given that you are
a talking snack cake,
149
00:05:48,349 --> 00:05:51,318
I suppose we should
not have been surprised.
150
00:05:51,385 --> 00:05:53,153
To the guillotine with him!
151
00:05:53,220 --> 00:05:54,355
[crowd cheers ]
152
00:05:54,421 --> 00:05:56,357
[grunts]
153
00:05:56,423 --> 00:05:57,725
He doesn't fit!
154
00:05:57,791 --> 00:05:59,460
Oh, is this really not
happening?
155
00:05:59,526 --> 00:06:01,829
We'll do this
the old-fashioned way.
156
00:06:01,895 --> 00:06:03,831
Off with his head!
157
00:06:03,897 --> 00:06:05,265
Uh,head?
158
00:06:05,332 --> 00:06:08,335
Just cut him in half
somewhere above the arms!
159
00:06:08,402 --> 00:06:11,171
It's not gonna be one clean stroke.
This could get messy.
160
00:06:11,238 --> 00:06:13,674
I have a royal proclamation --
161
00:06:13,741 --> 00:06:16,744
you are all dumb fucks!
162
00:06:16,810 --> 00:06:18,679
All right, all right.
New plan.
163
00:06:18,746 --> 00:06:20,781
Any last words?
164
00:06:20,848 --> 00:06:22,950
I fucked your sister.
165
00:06:23,016 --> 00:06:24,051
Let's do it!
166
00:06:24,118 --> 00:06:26,120
[horses neigh]
167
00:06:27,354 --> 00:06:28,389
Hmm.
168
00:06:28,455 --> 00:06:31,892
Uh, you don't suppose he really
fucked my sister, do you?
169
00:06:31,959 --> 00:06:34,628
[screams]
How are you still alive?!
170
00:06:34,695 --> 00:06:36,563
I'm 80% preservatives.
171
00:06:36,630 --> 00:06:38,298
I'm essentially immortal.
172
00:06:40,467 --> 00:06:42,136
The rebel leader's sister,
173
00:06:42,202 --> 00:06:43,837
as you requested,
your majesty.
174
00:06:43,904 --> 00:06:46,974
This is less about sex and more
about tying up loose ends.
175
00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:49,910
Wow. What a staggeringly
unromantic thing to say.
176
00:06:49,977 --> 00:06:52,546
Eh.
I'm a talking snack cake.
177
00:06:52,613 --> 00:06:54,615
Johnny! Time for dinner!
178
00:06:54,681 --> 00:06:57,451
Oh, boy! Chicken night!
179
00:06:57,518 --> 00:06:59,019
NARRATOR:
What Johnny's mother doesn't know
180
00:06:59,086 --> 00:07:01,088
is that every Wednesday night
when she serves chicken,
181
00:07:01,155 --> 00:07:03,023
Johnny imagines
he's eating the cast
182
00:07:03,090 --> 00:07:04,658
of the Disney cartoon
"Ducktales."
183
00:07:04,725 --> 00:07:07,394
Who's laughing now, Launchpad?
You freaking idiot.
184
00:07:07,461 --> 00:07:09,663
- What was that, dear?
- Nothing, Mom!
185
00:07:09,730 --> 00:07:11,665
Hey, let's grab dinner
while we're out, honey.
186
00:07:11,732 --> 00:07:13,667
It's -- ugh!
Oh, man.
187
00:07:13,734 --> 00:07:15,269
Honey?!
188
00:07:15,335 --> 00:07:16,603
What?
Baby, I'm right here.
189
00:07:16,670 --> 00:07:18,505
- Oh, dear lord.
- You're looking right at me.
190
00:07:18,572 --> 00:07:20,307
- I can't see you!
- Here I am!
191
00:07:20,374 --> 00:07:21,708
Here, baby! I'm right here!
192
00:07:21,775 --> 00:07:23,944
I'm being attacked by some
sort of poltergeist!
193
00:07:24,011 --> 00:07:27,581
Aah!
194
00:07:27,648 --> 00:07:29,817
ANNOUNCER:
Previously on "The Fattest Fat Loser,"
195
00:07:29,883 --> 00:07:32,252
the contestants got real.
196
00:07:32,319 --> 00:07:35,689
Moi has always considered
Moi's self pleasantly plump.
197
00:07:35,756 --> 00:07:37,591
That is until I shattered
Kermit's pelvis.
198
00:07:37,658 --> 00:07:39,226
[ Screams ]
199
00:07:39,293 --> 00:07:41,028
Get off of me you fucking
wildebeest!
200
00:07:41,094 --> 00:07:43,096
[ Italian accent]
My brother Luigi and me --
201
00:07:43,163 --> 00:07:45,098
we used to be the same.
202
00:07:45,165 --> 00:07:47,634
But after a few years...
203
00:07:47,701 --> 00:07:49,470
if I don't change my ways,
204
00:07:49,536 --> 00:07:52,272
this is what the doctors
project I will look like.
205
00:07:52,339 --> 00:07:54,441
I've gained so much weight,
206
00:07:54,508 --> 00:07:57,511
I can't even fit
in rabbit's hole anymore.
207
00:07:57,578 --> 00:07:58,579
What?
208
00:07:58,645 --> 00:08:01,248
I just want to lick my balls
one more time
209
00:08:01,315 --> 00:08:03,917
or at least be able
to see them.
210
00:08:03,984 --> 00:08:06,320
Wait, wait -- I mean,
I hate Mondays.
211
00:08:06,386 --> 00:08:07,988
♪ Follow your heart ♪
212
00:08:08,055 --> 00:08:09,990
♪ Baby, you're a star ♪
213
00:08:10,057 --> 00:08:12,993
♪ A disgusting fat star ♪
214
00:08:13,060 --> 00:08:15,229
"The Fattest Fat Loser."
215
00:08:15,295 --> 00:08:17,831
[ fart!]
Gross!
216
00:08:17,898 --> 00:08:19,733
I've made little girls
self-conscious
217
00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:21,502
about their bodies
for decades.
218
00:08:21,568 --> 00:08:24,137
That makes me the perfect
trainer for this show.
219
00:08:24,204 --> 00:08:26,373
Of course,
I am hungry all the time,
220
00:08:26,440 --> 00:08:28,775
so I can get a little irritable.
221
00:08:28,842 --> 00:08:30,844
Double time, Super Lardio!
222
00:08:30,911 --> 00:08:32,880
I can-a do this all day!
223
00:08:32,946 --> 00:08:35,282
Then why are you still fat?!
So sorry.
224
00:08:35,349 --> 00:08:37,784
Follow your dreams,
you fat fuck!
225
00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:40,387
Sorry!
Find your shining star!
226
00:08:40,454 --> 00:08:42,456
Vous would like
to spar with moi?
227
00:08:42,523 --> 00:08:43,757
[ Chuckles ]
228
00:08:43,824 --> 00:08:45,659
I am a 4th-degree black belt,
sweetie.
229
00:08:45,726 --> 00:08:47,394
You have to shatter
their delusions
230
00:08:47,461 --> 00:08:49,129
before you can reach them,
231
00:08:49,196 --> 00:08:51,465
the way my delusion of
ever eating another tiramisu
232
00:08:51,532 --> 00:08:53,200
was shattered at age 12!
233
00:08:53,267 --> 00:08:56,136
If you thought fitness-trainer
Barbie was a hard-ass,
234
00:08:56,203 --> 00:08:58,505
you haven't seen
kung-fu Barbie.
235
00:08:58,572 --> 00:09:00,641
Oh, yeah?!
[grunts]
236
00:09:05,279 --> 00:09:06,380
[Whimpers]
237
00:09:06,446 --> 00:09:07,381
[ Crack! ]
238
00:09:07,447 --> 00:09:09,383
Oh, moi has to go
to the bathroom!
239
00:09:09,449 --> 00:09:11,451
I don't care
how you lose weight.
240
00:09:11,518 --> 00:09:13,520
[ Grunts, farts ]
241
00:09:13,587 --> 00:09:15,422
We've had a real breakthrough
here today, Miss Piggy!
242
00:09:15,489 --> 00:09:16,890
[Whimpers]
243
00:09:16,957 --> 00:09:18,959
You'll push a wheelbarrow
full of your trigger food
244
00:09:19,026 --> 00:09:21,028
up to the top of this hill,
245
00:09:21,094 --> 00:09:23,096
where you'll dump your payload
into the fire,
246
00:09:23,163 --> 00:09:25,065
symbolically saying goodbye
247
00:09:25,132 --> 00:09:26,800
to your former fat-ass lives
248
00:09:26,867 --> 00:09:28,302
and giving you the strength
249
00:09:28,368 --> 00:09:30,971
to leave your
co-dependent relationship.
250
00:09:31,038 --> 00:09:32,973
[chuckles]
You hear that, Ken?!
251
00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:34,875
I don't need you anymore!
[chuckles]
252
00:09:34,942 --> 00:09:36,243
Please call me.
253
00:09:36,310 --> 00:09:40,480
Last fall, Eeyore lost his
long battle with depression.
254
00:09:40,547 --> 00:09:43,650
For you, Eeyore!
255
00:09:48,555 --> 00:09:50,657
Hung himself
with his own tail.
256
00:09:50,724 --> 00:09:52,726
And... go!
257
00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:55,395
Wow! I'm in the lead!
258
00:09:55,462 --> 00:09:57,130
I have lost weight.
259
00:09:57,197 --> 00:10:00,400
This is rewriting the book
on Mondays.
260
00:10:00,467 --> 00:10:04,171
Oh! My balls!
261
00:10:04,237 --> 00:10:06,506
H-Hey!
There's nothing in here!
262
00:10:06,573 --> 00:10:09,743
Jon, you Mondayed my balls!
263
00:10:09,810 --> 00:10:13,680
BOTH:
[ panting ]
264
00:10:13,747 --> 00:10:14,781
[grunts]
265
00:10:14,848 --> 00:10:15,882
I won! I won!
266
00:10:15,949 --> 00:10:17,918
Whew! I'm roasting out here.
267
00:10:17,985 --> 00:10:19,052
[Sniffs]
Oh!
268
00:10:19,119 --> 00:10:21,254
Is-a that-a my mama's
prosciutto?
269
00:10:21,321 --> 00:10:23,156
Just-a one taste, mama!
270
00:10:23,223 --> 00:10:24,458
I want a bite!
271
00:10:24,524 --> 00:10:26,627
No!
This is my prosciutto, mama!
272
00:10:26,693 --> 00:10:28,462
Oh, stuff and fluff!
273
00:10:28,528 --> 00:10:30,297
Wait!
274
00:10:30,364 --> 00:10:32,532
Let-a her cook.
275
00:10:32,599 --> 00:10:35,235
Well, she does smell
delicious.
276
00:10:35,302 --> 00:10:41,041
Miss Piggy, your final
weight loss is 174 pounds!
277
00:10:41,108 --> 00:10:46,880
The rest of you have gained
a combined 174 pounds.
278
00:10:46,947 --> 00:10:51,885
Miss Piggy, you are
The Fattest Fat Loser!
279
00:10:51,952 --> 00:10:52,886
Hart! 1
280
00:10:52,953 --> 00:10:54,121
Gross!
281
00:10:56,490 --> 00:11:00,260
♪ Lift up your dreams
and follow your heart ♪
282
00:11:00,327 --> 00:11:02,496
♪ Baby, you're a star ♪
283
00:11:02,562 --> 00:11:06,633
♪ A disgusting fat star ♪
284
00:11:09,102 --> 00:11:11,204
[fart! ]
Gross!
19876
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