All language subtitles for Beavis and Butt-Head Do the Universe 2022.eng

Thank you.

That was cool.

Oh, hello.

I'm Butthead.

And I'm Beavis.

Welcome.

Some of you may be wondering where we've
been since we saw you last.

Well, it's quite a tale.

A tale of two heroes on a quest to score
across time and space.

It's a story of sex, violence, power...
And fire!

Fire!

And don't forget about that.

It all began one ordinary day.

A day just like any other.

What are you two doing?

We're trying to find out how many times
I can kick Beavis in the nads before he

passes out.

And that's your science fair project?

Uh, what science fair?

Yeah, what's that?

Well, it's too bad you didn't take this
more seriously, okay? The winner of the

science fair this year gets a free trip
to NASA Space Camp.

Whoa, space camp?

That's pretty cool, butthead.

What if we really did do a nad -kicking
science experiment and, like, we did

measurements? And we wrote stuff down
with a pencil like you're supposed to.

maybe we could prove everybody wrong.

And win the whole science... Whoa.

Beavis, I have an idea for our science
fair project.

Okay, now stand here.

Okay.

Okay.

You're not going to kick me in the nabs
again, are you?

No, I'm not, Beaver. Those days are
over.

Oh, good.

That's a relief.

That is the best news I've heard all
day.

What's that thing?

Beavis, what the hell are you doing?

Did we win the science fair? Even
better, Beavis. We kicked it fast.

Check it out.

Fire! Fire!

Fire! Fire!

Beavis and Butthead, this court hereby
finds you guilty.

Yes! Kick -ass!

Please rise.

Do you have anything to say before I
pass sentence?

Uh... If it, like, pleased the court or
something, in my defense, I was trying

to kick Beavis in the nads.

And I just want to say, Your Majesty,
that the explosions were really cool.

Amen.

Many have said when it comes to
sentencing, I'm the toughest judge in

And they're right.

But last night, I watched a show called
Touched by an Angel, and it made me

think.

When I look at these two boys today, I
don't see their failure.

I see our failure.

He said touched.

You boys like explosions, don't you?

Uh, yeah.

And fire.

Well, you know who else liked
explosions?

Neil Armstrong.

And the only difference between him and
you is he had the benefit of supportive

families and teachers.

Families. You know what Neil Armstrong
did?

Did he score?

He was the first man on the moon.

We never found out who won that trip to
space camp because the records were lost

when the gym burned down.

But whoever it was is going to be fine.

They're going to go on to good colleges
and fine careers.

So I say, why not give opportunity to
those who really need it and unlock the

potential of these two at -risk youths?

I hereby sentence Beavis and Butthead to
eight weeks of space camp.

No!

It says Johnson.

Good morning.

I'm Commander Serena Ryan, and I'm
captain of the Space Shuttle Endeavor.

I'm Jim Hartson, the lieutenant
commander, which is also an important...

week you'll have a front row seat while
we prepare to take a very important

mission into space.

Yep. We're going to bring a new
telescope to the Mir space station and

observe a small black hole.

Hole.

Operator John Nathan Rosen theorized
black holes could contain rifts... in

very fabric of the universe, or
wormholes, that could allow one to

through time and space.

Wormhole? I always wondered how worms
score.

To my right here is a model of the entry
port of Russia's Mir space station,

where we're going to have to execute a
very difficult docking maneuver.

I'm going to turn things over to Officer
Hartson now, and he's going to show us

how it works.

Whoa. Ooh.

Okay, space campers, now the fun stuff.
Orbital mechanic, come on.

I hope you're not spending too much time
with the space campers, Serena.

NASA has a lot riding on this mission.
Hey.

You guys have to see this. It's amazing.

It's these two kids from space camp.
They're phenomenal.

They've been doing this for 18 hours
without food or water. It's almost like

they have an unhealthy, single -minded
obsession with it. Check this out,

They're using the robotic arm as a
secondary backup in case of mechanical

failure. No one's ever thought of that.

Incredible.

They're brilliant.

Wait a minute.

What if we brought them on the mission
to do the docking?

You want those two to go up in space and
dock the actual space shuttle to the

Mir space station?

And also, I thought I was going to do
that. Think of the PR.

Two at -risk youth turned astronauts?

We could finally get Americans
interested in the space program again.

What do we have to look for? Nothing, I
don't think.

They'll never make it through the
training.

But if they do?

Oh, yeah.

We'll see.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, boys. Shut up. We're busy. Let me
ask you something.

How would you guys like to do that, but
do it for real?

Whoa. You want us to do that for real?

Whoa.

That's right. I want you to do that for
real in space.

With me.

With you?

That's right.

Whoa. Yes.

Absolutely. Yes. A thousand times yes. I
like your enthusiasm.

But it's going to be hard work. You're
going to have to practice doing this a

lot. For hours. Every day.

I already do. In the bathroom.

And sometimes in the teacher's lounge.

Ma 'am, we've been waiting our entire
lives for this opportunity.

We will not let you down.

Then let's start your training. Yeah!

Beavis, the government is about to train
our schlong.

For all mankind.

Hey, butters,

what part of sex does this train us for?

I think it's the part where your face
hurts or something.

That's gonna be good.

Does everybody who scores have to

do this?

Uh, probably.

Not bad.

Well,

that concludes your training.

So what do you think?

Are you ready to do it?

Yeah, I was ready before, but now I know
how to do it upside down or something.

Yeah, I'm ready to do it right now if
you want.

That's what I like to hear.

Now go get yourself cleaned up.

Beavis, tomorrow we are going to score
with that lady.

In outer space?

Wherever she wants it. Outer space, the
back of a car, I don't care.

Yeah, me neither.

Well, what do you think?

I think NASA has a couple new
astronauts.

Do you know how few people have done
what you're about to do?

Um, no. Only 256 men and 49 women.

That's a little more than I was hoping,
but, you know, that's okay. From 16

different countries, ranging in age from
28 to 77.

Jesus Christ, we get it.

And that's not even counting the Russian
dog and the monkey. Enough!

Of course, there were some who didn't
make it. We're not going to be one of

those, ma 'am.

I can assure you. Yeah, we understand
the risks.

Mr. Beaven, Mr.

Boothroyd, you're the youngest astronaut
ever on the space shuttle.

What's this moment feel like?

Hold on a second.

I've got something I want to say.

I just want to say I've wanted to do
this my whole life, but I never thought

would really happen. And I dreamed about
it every night, and then I'd wake up

and feel ashamed, and I'd try to hide it
from my mom.

But today, my dream will come true.

And I just want to say that makes me the
luckiest man in the world.

Ten.

Nine. Eight.

Seven. Six.

Counting. Fuck.

Three.

Two. One.

Lift off.

Clear. Clear.

Clear.

Endeavor, you are a go for orbital
operations.

Damn it. I think the floor's not
working.

How are you boys doing?

The three of them.

Do you want to, like, just do it right
now? I was thinking maybe we could... We

don't need you until we dock with the
mirror in three hours.

Until then.

Do you want to see something amazing?

Sunrise over Mother Earth.

Incredible, isn't it?

Is it three hours yet?

This is the best view on the whole ship.

That's why they put the controls for the
telescope here.

Don't mess with those.

Unless you want to risk breaking a two
billion dollar piece of equipment.

Now it's probably three hours, right?

Take it all in while you can.

Just think, all of life, everything
we've ever known is down there on that

beautiful blue marble.

Uh, the Earth? Fuck.

Let's mess with those things.

All I see is like nighttime or
something.

Let's point it at the sun.

Maybe we'll see some fire.

Have a look here.

See what we can see.

Ah!

I saw something, but, like, it went
away.

Try the other eye.

You've got two of them. Oh, yeah, yeah,
good idea.

Look over here. Ah!

Beavis, you can't do anything right.

Stop a thigh.

Okay, boys.

It's go time.

It's kind of dark.

Let me help you there. It can be tough
your first time in space.

Thank you, ma 'am.

Are you ready to do it? Yeah, but I
thought you wanted us to do the docking

first.

Commence docking sequence.

See? They're doing great.

Yeah.

Somewhere.

Wait. What are you doing?

What are they doing?

No, no. Stop. No, no, no.

Hey,

let's go out.

Damn it. I can't see it.

There.

Endeavor.

Endeavor, can you hear me?

We copy, Houston.

Endeavor, your situation is critical.
You've lost 91 % of your oxygen and 93 %

of the fuel you need to return to Earth.

The mirror has been damaged, causing an
international incident with Russia.

We've missed our window to observe the
black hole, which will next be this

to Earth in 34 trillion years.

And now we've lost

comms with Earth.

Uh, well, if you're looking for some
good news, I can see again.

Yeah, we're ready to try the docking
now.

Looks like you guys got in a wreck.

You know, what happened?

We're going to make it back to Earth.

I promise you that.

But here's the problem.

I don't know how to say this, so I'm
just going to get right to it.

There are seven of us, and we only have
enough oxygen for five people to make it

home alive.

So we all have a decision to make. Two
people need to sacrifice themselves.

Look,

I think we're all thinking the same
thing here.

Can we put the TV back on?

Yeah, but something... cool this time
because that show sucked.

Yeah, yeah, really.

You have no oxygen.

No, we can't put the TV back on. That
was our last communication with Earth.

You know what?

Guys,

I volunteer.

Captain, no. You can't be serious.

I'm the captain of this ship.

It would be easy to blame our
predicament on the mistakes of two

idiots. Boy, I'm glad you set it not up.

Yeah, really.

Where'd you find these two dumbasses?

No, you! I'm clearly talking about you!

But I chose you for this mission. And
ultimately, the responsibility lies with

me. I'll volunteer too.

If this is the end, I want to make it
count for something.

And...

I'm going to put on my suit and take one
last spacewalk.

It's how I always wanted to go.

Wait a minute, where's she going?

Is it time to score?

Beavis, they put us in this rocket thing
for one reason.

To score with Serena.

It's going to be one giant leap for our
schlongs. Yeah, for all mankind.

Serena? What?

I just wanted to thank you for choosing
us for this honor.

I know I'm not the first guy most people
would pick, but you did. And I'll be

thankful for the rest of my life.

That's all. Your actions this day will
not soon be forgotten.

Maybe I misjudged you, too.

Listen.

This belonged to my grandmother.

She used to tell me, keep dreaming your
dreams. One day...

They might just come true.

Huh. I want you to have it. Okay.

Watch me through the window, doing what
I love.

One last time.

My dream's over.

Uh -huh. But I hope someday, your dream
comes true.

I've got to go put on my suit.

Whoa. She wants us to watch her change
through the window.

You sure about that, butthead?

Of course.

Dumbass. You heard her. She said, watch
me through the window and your dreams

will come true.

Oh, yeah.

And she gave us this bracelet to seal
the deal.

Yeah.

Are you shitting me?

Okay, I've had enough of your dickhead.

Enjoy faith.

Now that I'm about to be captain, things
are going to be a little different

around here. First of all... Oh, hello!

I have some extremely distressing news
to share.

Specialist Beavis and Specialist
Butthead made the very brave and noble

to sacrifice themselves.

Oh, that's awful.

So,

no reason for me to volunteer, then?

Okay.

Just so we're clear, then, I un
-volunteer.

Yeah, I did volunteer, you know, for the
record.

You can tell people.

Believe me, I tried to talk them out of
it, but they felt it was the right thing

to do, and they left the airlock before
I could stop them.

Um... Ah, no, but while their tragically
brief lives may be over, they will live

forever in our memory.

dance of seduction continues.

She really knows how to build the
anticipation.

You know what I'm saying?

Whoa. Um, um, butthead, what is that
thing?

It feels like it's sucking a sand or
something.

Uh, it looks like some kind of gigantic
hole.

And it's black.

Wait a minute, Beavis.

I think I know what kind of hole this
is.

Really? It's a butthole.

No, no, no.

No. No way. No thanks. No.

I don't want to die in a butthole. I've
dreamed about it all the time. No.

No way.

Settle down, people.

Beavis, you're not going to believe
this.

Look at that number up there on the
billboard.

Let's see.

There's a two, and then some kind of
circle, and I don't know what that is.

never seen one of those before. No,
dumbass, not that number.

That one.

Sixty -nine.

So, anyway,

are we still in space, though?

Whoa, Beavis, look.

Serena. Whoa!

I guess she, like, made a big sign so
we'd remember we're supposed to score

her. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you know,
that's really thoughtful of her.

She's a really nice lady.

Well, let's go do her.

Missing nuke is somewhere here, in the
Caucasus Mountains. It is our nation's

highest priority to find its habit.

Excuse me.

We've detected a major space -time
breach in American airspace.

My God.

And something came through it. Two
lifeforms.

Who could it be?

Chinese? Russia?

Or aliens?

This is why we needed that space
telescope to observe the black hole in

Damn it! Whatever they are, we need to
get down there and find them. And

them. Get Alpha Team on the plane. We're
wheels up in five minutes.

That's better. You can't score with
these things on.

Greetings, Beavis and Butthead. We bring
you a grave warning.

Who are you, fart knockers?

We are you, from what your primitive
planet would call an alternate universe.

A what?

An alternate universe.

Uh, a what?

Um, did you see the cartoon Spider -Man
movie, perchance?

Uh, no.

Oh, that would have made explaining it a
lot easier.

Our names are unknowable to your puny
brains, but you may call us Smart Beavis

and Smart Butthead. You see, in infinite
universes, there are infinite

iterations of every person.

Every possible version of you exists,
and we are the most intelligent

Uh, did any of the other versions ever
score?

No. No version of Beavis and Butthead
has ever scored. That is true in every

reality.

Cool.

We're gonna be the first ones.

Humorous. Quite humorous, yes. Droll,
very droll, yes. Whimsical, yes. That is

amusing, yes. Quite jocular, yes. Yes,
merciful, yes.

Okay, that's enough frivolity.

When you went through the black hole,
you traveled through a five -dimensional

portal in space and time.

But in so doing, you damaged the
delicate structure of the cosmos.

Damage is cool, yes. And now both of our
universes face total destruction.

And so we come to you for help.

There is a space -time portal that will
return you to your time.

You must enter this portal before it
closes in two days, or everything you

ever known will be gone forever.

The portal is located on the highest
point on your planet, atop your Mount

Everest. This is your quest.

You have exactly two days. May science
be with you.

You said Mount Mark Beavis.

Yes, their primitive language has two
meanings for that word, yes. Humorous,

quite jocular. Very old. Yes, yes.

Not me.

What did they say?

I don't know.

I think they were, like, British or
something.

Okay, now let's go score.

We're here for Serena.

She probably told you about us. So if
you can just, like, you know, tell her

we're ready to get down with it.

Okay. So you want to volunteer?

Maybe do some canvassing for Serena?

Canvassing?

We've never done this before, so, like,
you know, maybe just, you know, the

regular way. I want to volunteer my
wiener.

Why don't we just step over here so we
can get a picture of you two?

So do we need to, like, take our clothes
off or something?

Yeah.

We're going to score.

Oh,

these poles are horseshit.

Can you remind me why I'm paying you to
get me re -elected governor?

And me re -elected lieutenant governor,
which is also... Well, governor, our new

strategy is youth outreach. Youth
outreach. Our campaign teams have been

recruiting young volunteers to use for a
new ad campaign. We brought some

pictures for you to look at. Pictures.
Okay. No.

No.

Loser. Ew.

No.

Clear the room.

I'm... Assuming you wanted me to stay. I
mean, I'm second in command.

Look at this.

They look exactly like those kids I
killed on the mission in 98.

Wow. They really do.

But they can't be the same kids. That's
impossible.

It's them.

I know it.

I spent three weeks stranded in space
because of those two.

Certain I would die drinking my own
urine.

We had to eat like specialist Jung.

I didn't actually get to eat anything.
And then 24 years haunted that I had

killed two people, that the world would
find out what I'd done.

Yeah, sometimes I wish I didn't know
that, because it sort of puts me in a

tricky position going to jail -wise.

They must have fallen into the black
hole somehow, traveled through an

-Rosen wormhole.

That's amazing.

I mean, we have to tell the scientific
community. We have to kill them.

Before they tell everyone what I did.
Right. Kill them. Yep. Mm -hmm. No,

what I meant. That's... Yep. Okay, good.
I just hope we're not too late.

Get the helicopter.

Tell them I'm going to go visit some
sick... I don't know.

Veterans. Or dogs.

Why wasn't she there, butthead?

Why would she put up a big picture of
herself and then not be there?

It's a little game she's playing.

She wants us to chase her.

Oh, yeah.

Here we come.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Please, Major, to take it.

Take it? Yes.

Okay.

No, you hold like this and look here.

Whoa, check it out, Beavis. That guy
just gave us this cool little TV.

Do you have any bigger TVs?

This show sucks.

It's like just these fat people standing
there. I don't know about that. It's

not that bad.

It's good. Should we back up?

Okay.

Like this or more backing up?

We're trying to watch TV.

That was cool.

It's like the show really found itself,
you know.

Glad we stuck with it.

We want some nachos, but we don't have
any money.

So why don't you just pay with your
phone?

You mean this thing?

Here, I'll show you. What's your
password?

Password? Your password is password.

That's original.

Whoa. We just paid for that with this?

Yeah, you can pay for anything with your
phone. Whoa. Anything?

That's right.

Anything at all.

Leave it.

This changes everything.

Daddy!

Make it rain on you!

I make it rain on them hoes. I make it
rain.

Sir, based on eyewitness interviews,
we've made a composite sketch of the

forms.

Whatever they are, they're definitely
not human.

Send up a hundred more orders of nachos.

Hey, Butt -It.

This phone kicks ass and everything, but
we need to find Serena.

Shut up, Beavis. I'm speaking with the
nacho man.

You see what I have to deal with?

Hey, seriously. How can I help you?

Whoa. Who is this?

I'm Siri.

I'm here to help.

It's Serena. Hey, put it. Put it.
Dammit, Beavis, I told you to shut up.

Uh, do those nachos come with side
orders of nachos?

Um, hello?

How can I help you?

Hey, how's it going? Good to talk to
you.

So, um, I was wondering, um, you know,
like, um, when we're gonna score, you

know? Notre Dame is losing to Alabama, 7
-0.

Yeah, that's interesting.

So, um... I know you probably like
Butthead more, but I was thinking of...

don't understand Butthead.

Yeah, yeah, me neither.

It's like, he thinks he can tell me what
to do, and he's always trying to kick

my ass for no reason, and it just gets
old after a while.

You know?

I'm tired of it.

How can I help you?

Oh, just, you know, like, listening, you
know, helps a lot, you know.

I guess I never really had anybody, you
know, like, that actually listens, like,

when I'm talking and stuff, you know.

Like nobody here is the real Beavis. You
know what I'm saying?

I don't understand Beavis.

You know, neither do I sometimes.

Yeah.

Neither do I.

And don't skimp on the nacho cheese
sauce or I'm talking to the manager.

Uh,

Beavis?

Beavis?

You know, it's like, sometimes when I
talk to you, you know, I have this,

strange feeling. It's like I'm, uh,
happy and sad at the same time.

I don't know what it means.

Do you want me to search the web?

Yeah, spider webs kick ass.

Maybe we can search for some, yeah.

A spider web is a structure created by a
spider out of Protonychus spider silk.

Feels good to talk.

Open the door, butthole.

I don't understand butthole. Leave us
alone.

What, Beavis, are you talking to Serena?

Unlock the door now.

I can't unlock the door.

First, you need to set up the home app.
Would you like me to help you set up

your home?

Wait a minute.

You're at our home?

Would you like me to help you set up
your home?

Butthead, she's at the house. We need to
go home right now so we can score.

Notre Dame is losing to Alabama, 17 to
10.

Walking directions to 322 Woodson
Street, Highland, Texas.

Wood. Your trip will take 167 hours.

We'll be there before sunset, Beavis.

We just missed them, sir.

They wanted us to find this.

Definitely not human.

They paid for the room with a phone, so
we were able to get a recording of their

voices.

Woodson.

You have wood, son.

It's crude, but they're learning to
approximate human speech.

I'll know more when I dissect their
mouthparts. We've got GPS lock on the

Let's move.

Governor, oh my gosh. I can't believe I
finally get to meet you. And I'm the

lieutenant. I'm just so interested in
all my young supporters, but...

Particularly these two.

Oh, them.

Did they say anything about me? Or tell
you why they were here?

No. Mostly they just laughed a lot. From
the minute I introduced myself.

Introduced yourself?

What's your name?

I'm Richard Wack.

Dick Wack. Well, I've always gone by
Richard for that very reason. It really

them. Damn it.

Order a roadblock on all roads leading
out of town. Say it's...

Do people still care about terrorism?

I do, Governor.

Let's go with that. And so does the
whole WAC family.

Butt -head, I was wondering something.

I had a conversation with this chick one
time. So I was wondering, how do you

know when you're, like, in love?

You know what I'm saying?

What's that thing? Did you just say,
Beavis?

Never mind, never mind.

I'm just going to take a whiz, Butt
-head. I'll just go ahead and get that

you. Right back.

Okay. Hey, Serena.

How's it going?

I'm happy to be here.

Yeah, it's good to hear your voice.

I can't change my voice, but you can do
it yourself in settings.

Oh, no, no. No, I like your voice.

I just want to say, you know, we were
eating some nachos, you know, and I love

nachos. And then I was thinking about
you and me, and I just want to say that

also love...

I didn't get that. Could you try again?

You know what I'm talking about, though,
right?

It's a word that starts with an L, I
think, or something.

I mean, maybe you could say it first,
you know.

I mean, you know, if you want to.

Sorry, I'm having trouble connecting to
the network.

Uh -huh.

And? And?

Dammit, Beavis, you better not be
talking to Serena in there.

No, I'm just spanking my monkey.

You better be.

I don't understand spanking my monkey.

Damn it, Beavis, you lying son of a
bitch.

Shut up.

Anyway, Reena, I was just going to say,
and I've never said this to any girl

before, but I... I... I love... Damn it.

No, no, no, no, no.

No!

We just lost the phone signal.

Damn.

You dumbass.

And get it before it gets all covered
with turds. I don't see it, butthead.

Maybe it's deeper in. I can just... Get
me out of here!

Do you see it now?

It stinks!

Dammit, Beavis, you gotta really get
down there.

I'm not even trying.

Butthead, come on, help me!

Okay, Beavis, I'll help you.

I guess I have to do everything myself.

Get me out of here now!

Come on.

Get in there, you lazy son of a bitch.

There's turds down here!

Don't care about your turds, Viva. Now
get down there. We need that phone to

score.

They must have known we were tracking
their phone and put it in some sort of

signal blocking device or Faraday cage.

They've studied our tradecraft.

They're good.

Time to wake up, Beaver.

I can see it.

I found it.

Damn it, that's not a phone.

There it is, dumbass.

Oh, yeah.

I didn't see it there yet.

You're just... Disgusting, Beavis.

Your trip to Woodson Street.

Highland will take 274 hours.

Whoa. She's counting the hours.

Let's get moving, Beavis.

Sir, we've got a lock on the phone
again.

Change course to intercept.

We won't lose them this time.

What is this? Is this college or
something?

Eh, it could be.

Something sucks.

Oh, boy.

Let's get out of here before we learn
something, Butthead. Yeah, really.

Beavis, Butthead, it is we.

We have made the quest easier.

We have moved the portal.

Mount Everest seemed like a good idea at
the time for its proximity to space,

but the trip was a longy.

Uh, are you those guys that are like us
or something?

We've covered this already.

The portal is now over there, behind the
classic building.

It is well hidden there because no one
cares about the humanities anymore.

They want jobs that will allow them to
pay off their student debt.

Amusing, yes. Yes, humorous, yes. The
terrible comment on the time. Yes,

amusing. Seek the portal before all is
destroyed.

The lives of billions depend on it.
Hurry, you haven't but much time.

She said, but much.

I did not.

But I can see how it would be quite
humorous if I had. Yes, yes. Humorous.

amusing. Yes, yes. They do sound
similar, yes. Amusing and incongruous.

Uh, I like those guys.

Don't they disappear, though?

Uh, who cares?

Magic sucks.

Are you sure about this? Feels a little
bit like a wild goose chase.

Listen. One of our dipshit college
campaign volunteers had some crazy story

about how she saw two teenagers coming
out of the same port -a -potty laughing

at nothing, and one of them was covered
in feces and nacho cheese.

Who else could it be?

Well, when I was in college, I did some
pretty crazy... Here's the deal. If I

don't kill those guys, I'm going to be
accused of murder.

And if I'm going to be accused of
murder, I might as well kill those guys.

So we're going to find them.

Let's take a shortcut through this
thing.

While exaggerating gender norms
sometimes winds up subverting existing

Don't mind us. We just need to get
through here so we can score.

Yeah. There's a slut at our house who's
going to, like, do it with us. Any of

you ladies want to join the party?

Hang on, everyone. Hang on.

This is teachable, okay? Now they use
the word slut in a sex -positive way,

which is a good thing.

But other than that, these two are a
reminder that we still have a long, hard

road ahead of us.

Long, hard.

Yeah, like a wiener, you know, or a
schlong, you know, get it?

Uh -huh. Why don't we start by having
you two tell us what you thought of the

reading assignments for today?

Uh, we don't really read stuff.

Of course not, because you don't need
to. Because Daddy's connections got you

into college.

And we'll get you a job on Wall Street.

Uh, wait a minute.

Do you know who my dad is?

I'm sure he's very powerful and can have
me fired, but I don't care.

Cool. My dad's powerful.

Oh, that's cool, yeah.

Because but his mom said he died of
syphilis. Wow.

This is a classic example of white
privilege.

And you both have it.

Uh, what's that?

Anyone want to fill them in?

Um, yeah, I'll do it. Okay, so white
privilege is when white people,

particularly men, automatically assume
they can take whatever they want. And

they never have to worry about getting
stopped by the police.

And they have the inside track for any
job they... I've got this one, Aisha.

They have the inside track for any job
they want.

Exactly, Gage. Thank you for that.

That's white privilege.

Whoa. And we have that? You sure do.

I see. Whoa, I never realized this
stuff.

Uh, yeah, you've really opened up my
eyes.

Well, I'm glad we've been able to
enlighten you. The real question is, do

think you'll be acting differently from
now on?

Uh, I guarantee it.

Yeah, yeah, me too, yeah.

Step aside, please. We have white
privilege.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, check it out.

Don't worry, it's okay.

We automatically assume we can take what
we want, and we don't have to worry

about sleep.

It's okay. You didn't know. We didn't
either.

Good stuff now.

This is what we were taught, sir.

We're supporting existing paradigms.

I never thought I'd say this, but I'm
glad we went to college.

Yeah, it's like now I have the skills
for today's workplace.

Well, let's see. What should we take
next?

Let's take that car.

Um, but that's a police car.

Beavis, you dumbass. Didn't you hear?

We don't have to worry about getting
stopped by the police. Oh, yeah.

Okay, Beavis, let's tear ass.

That was cool.

Don't move!

Uh, sir, maybe you didn't know, but we
have white privilege.

Get your hands where I can see them!

I think the problem is you're just
uneducated.

Yeah, we're gonna get jobs on Wall
Street.

You guys know where that is?

Cut it out! Our dads are powerful.

They did not die of this. Hey, Beavis
was driving.

We're in jail, Beavis.

This kicks... Ass.

Yeah, that youth pastor always said we'd
be here someday.

We finally made it.

The system works, Beavis.

So, uh, sir, how long do we have to stay
here?

Like an hour?

Yeah, because I'm... We're on our way to
go score.

Well, you got no one to bail you out, so
you'll be here until you're a raiment

in a month.

I'll come get you then.

What? What? A month? What? Fuck. No.

No, no.

They ditched the phone.

They could be anywhere.

This is their work.

They're toying with us.

It's the feds.

They're on this, too.

How much do they know about the murders
I committed?

Oh, attempted.

In a video game. Why I wasn't there.

Uh, this?

Damn it.

Serena's going to be at our house, and
we're not going to be there.

She's going to think I don't care.

You care.

I do care.

Sometimes I think about her, and I don't
even get a boner, but I feel good

anyway. Dammit, Mavis, shut up. You're
embarrassing me.

If you don't get a boner when you think
about her, then you don't know what love

is.

McCabe, inspection.

Now.

Okay, listen up, kid.

You're going to help me out. I can't let
them find these on me, so you're going

to take them.

Whoa, hey.

You want me to take all of those?

Yes, moron. Take them now.

Okay, okay.

Tastes weird.

Salty.

Hey, don't eat them. Put them in your
pants.

Shut up.

McCabe.

This is going to be cool.

Maybe you ought to check on that kid.
You better shut up, McCabe.

Which one of you guys does tattoos?

You better tell your friend to chill,
man.

Yeah, he's not really my friend. He
just, like, follows me around all the

I think I want to get a tattoo of a butt
right here on my forehead.

I need TB for my bunghole.

Do not make my bunghole angry. I demand
TB.

Give me all your TB.

All your TB now.

Quit disrespecting me. I will find your
TB.

Do not disrespect my bunghole.

tippy for my bunghole.

I demand tippy. I demand tippy. More
tippy.

Little dude's right.

We do need more tippy.

More tippy. More tippy. I demand tippy.
Yeah, we want more tippy. They never

give us enough.

You will not disrespect my bunghole.

Yeah, they're disrespecting us.

They're disrespecting our bungholes.

One butt cheek here, and then one here.

Look, are you sure you don't want a pair
of dice or something?

Dice?

This is going to be on my head for the
rest of my life, dumbass.

You cannot imprison the almighty
bunghole.

And now you are paid.

What the hell?

I don't get it, sir. It started out as a
simple request for toilet paper, but

now it's out of control.

You have nothing to lose but your
bunghole.

Prepare the extraction team. Who is this
guy?

Antifa? MS -13?

We ran him and his associates'
fingerprints, and it came back that they

1998.

What the hell?

No man is free while one bunghole isn't
changed.

They died in 98?

We're dealing with something here that's
beyond explanation.

Have you ever seen a show caught touch
by an angel?

No. They always come with a message.

What could his be?

I am Cornholio! I need TV for my bungle!

Stand by to take down Cornholio!

Have you seen my bungle?

When I open this door, unleash hell!

Stand down!

This has turned into something bigger.

Cornholio's their hero.

He did the most dangerous thing you can
do in this place.

He gave those men hope.

And there's a funny thing about hope.

It's contagious.

And these days, well, I think we need
all the hope we can get.

So what are we supposed to do? The only
thing we can do, give

those prisoners all the toilet paper we
got.

And then we're going to put those two
boys on a bus back to where they came

from. Destroy their records.

And as far as I'm concerned, they were
never here.

And with God's help, we will learn from
Cornholio's message today, and we will

become better men.

I have but one bumhole to give.

Can I give it to you?

National security?

Well, that sounds important.

But those two boys were never here.

Nope. No record of them at this
facility.

No jail was going to hold those two for
long. And apparently they have the

ability to wipe people's memories.

And to that end, I'm here to surprise
pardon two criminals as part of my new

Fopt on Crime initiative.

And... I'll just take them back to the
Capitol with me in my car. We heard

two youngsters arrested over at TFU for
some minor offenses.

No. No one fitting that description was
ever here.

Really? Are you sure about that?

Absolutely.

So, who do you want to surprise pardon?

Uh... Ma 'am?

We just want to say thank you for
pardoning us. We appreciate it. Shut up!

Where the hell are Beavis and Butthead?

Oh, those guys?

The warden put them on a bus back to
their hometown.

Highland, Texas, I think it was.

Oh, Highland, Texas.

Finally, a stroke of good luck.

You know...

I guess the lesson to learn from this
is, you probably should have pardoned

someone smaller.

Because then... God damn it!

We're almost there, right, Butthead?

We sure are, Beavis.

It's been a long journey.

Butthead? Yeah?

What do you think's going to happen when
we score?

Beavis, everything is going to be
different.

Just imagine it.

Beavis? Huh? You just scored with me.

I did?

Yes. And now I'm your girlfriend.

Yes!

Woo!

You're right, Beavis. Fire is cool.

Ow! I'm gonna tear your head off. No,
you're not.

I'm his girlfriend.

Beavis, from now on, it's just going to
be you and me.

And Butthead.

I'm a deer.

Me.

Me.

Hey, Butthead. I heard you put your
thingy in a girl thingy. I sure did.

Did it hurt?

Nope.

And I was never worried that it would.

Would? Oh, butthead. Would you please
gore with us? And every other girl you

know?

Indeed.

Island, end of the line.

Beavis. Beavis, wake up. We made it.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we're gonna score.

This is gonna be cool.

Uh,

Serena? Serena?

I'm butted.

What are all these people doing in our
house?

Uh, are we having a party or something?

Better not be.

We have to have sex in here.

Welcome, Anita Ross Castle Realty. Are
you interested in the house?

Uh, this is our house.

Oh, yeah. I fell in love with it, too.
Let me give you the tour.

Uh... What did you do to our house?

Well, the current owner bought the
property to flip.

Complete renovation.

Yeah, the fuck?

The house was empty for a long time
because it belonged to the mother of one

these two teenagers who died in this
accident on the space shuttle, Shirley

Beavis. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Whoa, butthead, look. A garbage
disposal.

Cool. Kick -ass.

Yes, I'll be on you.

Anyway, you won't believe what happened
to Shirley Beavis when her son died in

space. She went total...

Then, after she

blew through the settlement money, she
did something you weren't going to see.

She took...

Bittersweet thing she said is, if she
could just see her son one more time,

would tell him these words.

Son.

That's right.

That kicks ass.

Ow.

Cool.

So, um, where's Serena?

Who? Serena. Yeah, yeah. Theory for
short.

Theory? Is she in the bedroom already?

I mean, if there's, like, a line, that's
cool and everything, but we were led to

believe we would get first dibs.

Shut up, butthead. Come on. There's no
smart home system, if that's what you

mean. There's no theory here.

She's not here?

But she said she'd be here.

She's never lied to us before.

What happened, butthead?

She promised she was going to be here,
and now she's not.

I thought we had something.

Where is she? Dammit, Beavis, how am I
supposed to know?

Where's the remote?

What are these things?

What the hell is that?

Where's the TV?

They're books.

What?

Books? Books?

No! No!

We were supposed to score.

It was going to be the best thing in the
world. And instead...

All we get is books. The worst thing in
the world.

I'm tired of this crap.

It's not fair.

Dammit, Beavis, this is all your fault.
I would have scored if you hadn't scared

her off with all your wuss feelings
talk.

Oh, Serena, I don't have a boner.

Shut up, butthead. I don't sound like
that. You're the one who scared her off.

You're always calling her a slut.

That's because she is a slut, Beavis.

She's an S -L -O or something slut.

She told us herself, remember?

256 men, 49 women, a dog, a chimpanzee
with a wiener the size

of a... Beavis, you've just crossed a
line.

And I think we both know what needs to
happen now.

But I'm gonna kill you, you son of a
bitch!

Oh, my.

Now, I know this can be an emotional
decision for a couple, but... Yeah, all

right, here we go, here we go. Let's
just... Yeah, let's just move this party

outside. Get your hands off me,
bunghole. Okay, just go, go, go, go, go,

go, go.

My email's on the flyer.

Damn it, Butt -head.

I finally found someone, and you're
jealous.

I have feelings, Serena.

Let's hold hands.

Shut up, Butt -head. You're the one who
drove her away. She said she doesn't

understand you, and we talked about...

Spiderwebs, and you've ruined
everything.

Damn it, Beavis. Serena never liked you.
She was just talking to you to get to

me. I'm tired of you weighing me down.

I'm going to get out of here, and don't
follow me.

Well, don't follow me, butthole.

I

could

hardly believe it when I heard the news
today.

Shut up, dumbass.

Before I go Tell me how am I supposed to

live without you Now I've been loving

you so long Let go of me, butthole.

Hey, what are you doing?

Are you here because you hate the United
States?

The United States?

Is that like part of America or
something?

It's hard to believe this species
mastered interstellar travel. Perhaps

beings share one brain.

Apart, they're barely able to feed
themselves.

But together, their intelligence is
beyond what we can even conceive.

We've located the second creature.

If we keep them apart, it'll neutralize
the threat.

But if we don't bring them together,
we'll never know their plans for world

conquest. Or the location of their
internal sexual organs.

Stop playing dumb.

Are you here to destroy me?

If that's how you want it, baby.

But I can also be very gentle.

We're not getting anywhere.

I don't mind the handcuffs, but, like...
Is this dumbass going to be in the room

while we're getting it on?

Who is this?

Hello, Governor.

It appears we each have something the
other wants.

Governor Ryan, the Secret Defense
Command demands you turn over your

immediately for reasons of national
security.

You're sitting too close to me, Beavis.
You're sitting too close to me.

As long as you're in the state of Texas,
Special Agent, both those boys belong

to me.

And to a lesser extent me, because I'm
the lieutenant.

There's no ice in this.

Could your assistant get me some ice as
well?

Oh, I'm not actually her assistant. I'm
the lieutenant, Gunther. Gunther, just

get us some ice.

Bunghole. You're the bunghole,
buttwagon. The federal government has

jurisdiction. He said...

Dick.

It's not that funny.

Federal law dictates that you turn them
over.

Whoa, he definitely said dick that time.

Yeah, so what?

It's not that funny, but the one word
sounds like another word. Big deal. Who

cares? So you can ruin me and have me
replaced as governor with one of your

state assets?

She said ate ass.

Whoa!

Ate ass.

She said ate ass. Jesus, what is wrong
with you? I did not say ate ass. She

it again.

Eight ass.

And they're just sitting around saying
eight ass.

Eight ass. Eight ass. They are really
annoying.

Is there another room we can put them
in? Eight ass.

Eight ass.

Eight ass. And then she said she didn't
say eight ass.

which made her say it again, and then we
said it.

Remember?

Yeah. That was cool.

Oh, boy.

Quick, I don't have much time. I know
what Serena did to you on the Endeavor.

Uh, she hasn't done it yet.

It's gonna be any minute, though. I can
help you bring her down.

Uh, so, like, you'd be in the room?

I'll be right behind you all the way.

Uh, really?

I don't know, but I guess it's worth it.
I mean, I wouldn't say no to anything

at this point.

Here's the plan. I left the keys in that
green car right down there. Mm -hmm.

Okay. Take the highway northbound to the
Pecos County rest stop. Mm -hmm. Sounds

good. There's a reporter from the
morning news waiting to hear your story.

Okay. All right. Mm -hmm. Did you get
all that? Yes, sir.

Yep. We're going to score.

Damn right.

I have to go back in there before they
get suspicious. But you've got to get

of here now. The people in there want
you dead.

What she tried to do to you in 98, she's
done to me every day for 24 years.

Christ. Whoa.

There's no need to brag about it. I'm
going to make sure she can't do it to

or anyone else ever again.

Uh, wait a minute. I think I see what's
going on here. He doesn't want us to

score. That's why he took the handcuffs
off.

Yeah, because he knows Serena has a
thing for handcuffs.

Exactly.

And that's why he gave us a car and
directions to someplace far away where

Serena will never find us.

That dirty butthole. Dammit!

What's wrong with that guy? He scored
every day for 24 years. That's like, um,

50 times.

We gotta get back in there and get those
handcuffs back on, Beavis. We just

outsmarted that son of a bitch.

Dammit, it's locked.

Quick, let out the window.

That was close.

I can't wait to see the look on his face
when he sees that car and we're not in

it.

What did I miss?

This is so funny. We were arguing
whether they're aliens or the boys from

space shuttle, but then we realized it
doesn't matter. We both want the same

thing. We want to kill them, and they
want to dissect them.

We're all on the same team.

Well... Let's go kill them. And dissect
them. Right, Phil? You got me.

What the hell?

Just hold on a second. What is it,
Hartson?

All this talk about dissecting is making
me curious.

No, you know what? Forget it. It's
probably way too complicated for someone

me to understand.

Oh, no, no, no. On the contrary. This
will just take a minute. I've got some

pictures on my phone.

First, you need to locate the anus.

Okay, there. We got him closed.

Now let's put our hands in.

It won't fit, butthead.

How did we ever get our hands in here in
the first place?

Let's open them up and start over again.
We need a key.

I think that guy said the keys are in
the green car.

Oh, yeah.

Good thinking, Beavis.

Thanks. I know you're thinking I need an
expensive scalpel, but save your money

for the embalming fluid. There's a guy
in Ecuador who can save you... You know

what? We don't have time for this. Let's
go kill those boys, huh?

Damn it. I think he just... He sucks.

I don't know.

They're gone.

What? I can't believe it. Where could
they have gone?

I think I have an idea.

Directions to 322 Woodson Street,
Highland, Texas.

Wood.

Let's go.

Hartson, get in the van.

It doesn't fit.

Hey, Serena's in there, in that
butthole.

He's going to go score with her. Why is
it always a guy with a van?

We've got to save her before Hartson
bones her again.

Yeah, he's out of control.

And I just want to say, you can score
first if you want to, but... Beavis,

I'm not going to score.

And you're not going to score.

We're going to score.

Yeah! Yeah!

Now let's go score before I change my
mind.

All we need now is a car.

Butthead, we're in a car.

Oh, yeah.

You really brought your A game today,
Beavis.

Thanks.

Remember, Butthead, it's going to go
backwards like before.

Oh, yeah.

You're on a roll, Beavis.

Just going to back this baby out and go
score.

Wait,

I see her. I see her, bud. Speed up.

Okay, leave it.

Hang on.

We're being followed.

What the hell?

There he is.

Faster, butthead. Come on, faster.

Who could it be?

Probably just someone who just happens
to be going our way. To the store,

perhaps. The Venezuelans.

Or Al -Qaeda.

Or the Venusians.

Or Arcturus Six.

Or probably just someone going to the
store.

You know how you run out of milk?

I think it's time to put this baby into
high gear, Beavis. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let's do it. Yeah. What is the R of F?

Uh, really fast?

Yeah, yeah, let's go really fast.

Do you have a bag in your face?

Oh, yeah, a bag.

Come on, butthead. Come on, drive.

What the hell is happening? Who

are these guys?

The East Germans train their
assassination teams to drive backwards

their snipers a better field of vision.

Leave us some hotheads.

Listen carefully.

You only have three minutes to go
through the portal.

Our universe is hanging in the balance.

Uh, how did you get here?

Our universe has technology that you can
only dream of. Can you watch porn on

it? Yes, an infinite amount.

Every scenario you can ever imagine.

But none of it will exist if you do not
go through the portal. Why did you not

go through the portal before?

It was right there, behind the classics
department.

You could have saved the universe.

and maybe learned how Latin is the basis
of English grammar.

But no matter. At great personal
expense, we have moved the portal again.

now in your old home, in the poorly
renovated half -bathroom.

Enter now so the portal might seal
itself, and you will return to a

where you never went through the black
hole, but instead lived your lives these

past 24 years.

Who are those guys?

Uh, I don't know.

They seem pretty cool, though. Yeah,
yeah, not too bad, really. This show

Yeah, yeah, horrible.

Change of channel, buddy. Come on, right
now.

Don't tell me what to do.

Hit him! Hit him again!

Come on, turn that shell back on. There
is no time. Now, fly to the portal. Fly!

There's a stop sign, buddy.

Fly!

We must hasten to the... Looks like we
lost them.

Woodson Street is right up ahead.

There they are, buttheads.

Sweet Christ!

There's only five people in the world
who could drive like that. Yeah, again,

probably just someone going out shopping
and their transmission got stuck in

reverse. Happens to me. Never happened
to you? I'm not going down without a

fight. Or, instead, you could pull over
and let me out and... Cool.

Someone put a little mirror here where
you can, like, see behind.

We got him right where we want him.

Get out of the car!

Of

course.

What the hell?

That's right, baby.

Our little dance of seduction is now
complete.

Oh, yeah.

Halt your fire!

24 years ago, you nearly destroyed me.

And now you've traveled through time and
space to try to destroy me again.

I want to be the one to do that.

Yeah.

Yes, it's really going to happen.

Wait, why are you happy?

Because, my lady, we are about to score
with thee.

Together.

Hang on.

Do you think I'm going to have sex with
you?

Uh, yeah.

So, um, should we do it here or in the
kitchen? Because, um, I think that guy

wants to watch or something.

Yeah,

you said you'd have sex with us back at
space camp, remember?

What did I say at space camp?

How would you guys like to do that, but
do it for real, with me?

Whoa. Yes!

That wasn't so hard, was it? Well,
actually, it was pretty hard until the

five minutes or so, but then I got barf
on it, and then, you know, just... See

you later.

To me, the most exciting part is re
-entry.

Me. Me. Yeah, we get to do it twice.

Do it?

So hard.

Re -entry.

Oh, my God.

You were never out to get me.

You just wanted to have sex with me.

Yeah, baby.

Guilty as charged.

You know what I'm saying?

These boys aren't my enemies. And
they're not aliens out to destroy our

life. They're just two very, very stupid
and horny teenagers.

Uh, huh?

I can't believe I've been hanging on to
this for 24 years.

Yeah, I've been hanging on to it, too.

And now I know you mean you've been
masturbating.

It's all so simple.

Well, I'll be masturbating.

Let's all go home.

Oh, no.

I'm not going to let everyone just walk
away from this. I know everything you've

done. Every law you've broken.

That's right. From now on, it's going to
be my turn because... What the hell?

Beavis and Butthead, hear us.

You need to open the door first, smart
Butthead.

Yes, yes, the door, yes. Well observed,
smart Beavis. Well observed, yes.

Beavis and Butthead, hear us.

You have mere seconds to enter the
portal.

Only by the two of you entering this
portal can our universes be saved.

Otherwise, the entire cosmos shall
perish forever.

Make haste.

Uh, okay.

No! They are witnesses, and they are not
going anywhere!

And I don't know who you two freaks are,
or how you're mixed up in this, but I'm

gonna find out. I am done being a
laughingstock. I've already called the

Whistleblower Hotline, and as soon as I
get off hold... Hello?

Can I help you? You sure can. I am
calling from Highland, Texas, and I...

Hello?

Asshole.

Hmm.

Well, I will be damned. That appears to
have worked.

We thought it needed to be the two of
you to go through the porthole, but I

guess anything would have worked.

We could have thrown a brick in there.

It's safe to say we were making it more
complicated than it needed to be. Well,

we are the smartest Beavis and Butthead
in all the cosmos.

In absolute terms, we are still not so
bright.

Okay, boys.

No one can know what happened here
tonight.

So what will it take to keep you quiet?

Uh, we want a score.

Oh, God.

I mean, I suppose it's not the most
disgusting thing I've done for my

So would it have to be both of you?

That's right, Serena.

We're a team. Yep.

Oh, God.

This is rough.

I'm going to need a minute to think
about this.

Serena, whatever you decide, you know,
like, either way, there's something I

need to tell you.

Something I tried to say before, but I
didn't have the courage.

Go ahead, Beavis.

Serena, I've been on a long journey,
and...

I've been to outer space, and I've been
in a toilet, and I think I've been to

some other places that I don't remember,
but... You went to college.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I went to college,
and... And you went to jail.

I don't remember that.

Anyway, along the way, I learned some
things and stuff, or something, and so

I finally am ready to say to you what
I've been wanting to say, which is

That I... I am... I love... I... I...
I... I love...

Come on, kid. You can do it.

I... I love you, Serena. For years, I
have watched you from afar, through the

portal, entranced by your beauty, your
elegance, your grace, your intelligence,

your knowledge of science.

Wait a second. And I have a better offer
for you. Come with me to my universe,

and I will show you the mysteries of the
cosmos as we travel across the

galaxies. beyond anything NASA will ever
achieve, fulfilling all the dreams you

ever had since you were a little girl,
staring up at the stars.

Wow.

That is surprisingly everything I've
ever dreamed of.

I have an offer, too. I found a coupon
in the car for Taco Bell.

I was thinking maybe we could go have a
taco, although I was thinking we might

score. You know what?

So was I.

Yeah, sometimes the Taco Bell has a
pizza hut. You know, if you don't like

tacos.

Or nachos.

I have a gigantic slong. I hope that's
okay.

Oh, boy.

Yeah, I knew it.

Here we go again.

Beavis, you're a dumbass.

And there you have it.

The greatest story ever told.

Pretty cool. We promised those
government buttholes that we wouldn't

what happened, and they gave us a brand
new TV and put our house back exactly

the way it was.

And it wasn't me, but somewhere out
there, there's a Beavis who scored.

Smart Beavis and Smart Butthead, we
honor you.

For you, Smart Beavis, are the first
among us to score.

And you, Smart Butthead, were able to
watch by hiding in a suitcase at the

foot of the bed.

Serena left immediately and is not
returning phone calls or texts.

But no matter.

Tonight, we...

Hooray!

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