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From NBC News, this is Today with Brian
Gumbel and Katie Curie.
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Good morning to you. Welcome to this
beautiful day.
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We're going to help you get it off to a
great start. Good morning, Katie.
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Good morning, Brian. How are you? Me? I
couldn't be better.
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Yourself? Just fine.
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How was your night?
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Mine? Couldn't be better. And yours?
Just fine.
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How was your ride in the elevator?
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Mine? Couldn't be better. And yours?
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What? What?
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What is it?
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I think it's Jackal.
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That dude looks like Heidi Fleiss.
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Oh, yeah.
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She's skanky. Yeah.
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She's ugly.
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She's what you call fugly.
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She's a fugly, skanky whore.
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That wasn't very nice, Biba.
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Oh, sorry about that.
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This dude's chest is about as puny and
hairless as yours, Beavis.
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Shut up, fartcracker.
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I can kick this dude's ass.
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You mean fartknocker, Beavis. Oh, yeah,
yeah. And for the last time, you can't
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kick anybody's ass.
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Yeah, I can. I'm getting bigger. Like,
I've been drinking milk.
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Yeah, right.
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I don't really want it. I had some last
week.
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Yeah, but then you spit it out.
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Yeah, but it was in my mouth long enough
for me to, like, you know, get some
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vitamins and stuff out of it.
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Dumbass.
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Whoa.
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He's just, like, walking around in his
underwear.
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And he's, like, having popcorn for
breakfast.
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Yeah, pretty cool.
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He has morning wood.
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Yeah.
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He's got a breakfast burrito.
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I'm not home, though.
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Hey, man, guess what? I'm in the
Bahamas.
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It's beautiful here.
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Hey, just a minute. The girls want to
say hi to you.
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Oh, check it out, butthead.
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How did that dude get all those chicks?
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Cousin, dumbass.
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His name is Schlong.
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Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, teaching Schlong.
I forgot about that.
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You know what?
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Cheeks should change his name to
Buttcheeks.
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And they have, like, butt cheeks and
schlong.
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I don't think you'd get chicks with a
name like butt cheeks, either.
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Oh, man. Oh, yeah.
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That was my nickname when I was a kid.
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Butt cheeks.
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Oh, yeah.
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Heather,
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tell us about your date.
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Well, when he first showed up, I
thought, He's cute and built and kind of
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sensitive. Butthead, first impression?
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Uh, well, Chuck, I thought she had big
thingies.
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So then what happened?
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He took me to the quick mart.
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Yeah.
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I bought her some nachos so she'd, like,
put out.
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Really? Did it work?
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Yeah.
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I scored, Chuck.
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Cool.
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Uh, thank you very much.
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You must let go.
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If you are rooted in the Tao, the force
of the earth will support you.
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Yeah, but like, when are we going to
kick some ass?
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Patience, my son. Have you forgotten
your lesson so quickly?
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But master, does not the fire need water
too?
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Does not the mountain need the storm?
Does not your scrotum need kicking?
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Button, over 500 girls have had sex with
you. How do you explain the attraction?
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Uh, just look at me.
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Hey, baby.
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Button! Button! Button!
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Wake up.
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I think we, like, missed school or
something.
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Cool. It's not like we were going to
learn anything.
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Oh, yeah.
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Uh, fire those retro rockets, shoot the
fruit on torpedoes, and, like, uh, make
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us go that way.
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Uh, excuse me.
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I order you to undress and show me your
thingies.
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But, Captain, that violates
intergalactic law, or something.
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Number one.
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I order you to go take a number two.
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Aye, aye, Captain.
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That was cool.
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Roger, Baker One.
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The suspect passed the stop sign, so I
pulled him over and kicked his ass.
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Just then, a man walked by with a dog,
so I kicked his ass.
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Hey, where do you think you're going?
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Here's a story of a guy named Butthead
who was horny for three very lovely
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girls. Then along came a guy named
Beavis. He was horny, too.
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Hey, Beavis, we like living in the same
house with three chicks.
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That was a cool day.
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Yeah. I'm, like, really tired.
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Yeah.
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I guess it's, like, time to go to sleep
or something.
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Yeah.
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Is
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that
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some monkeys?
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Oh, mate.
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They look like butt monkeys.
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Is that that episode where they go to
the dude ranch?
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Uh, you're thinking of happy days,
dumbass.
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Oh, yeah.
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Hey, sit on it.
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Sit on my butt.
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That reminds me of this joke.
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There's this dude and he, like, meets
this slut in a bar.
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And they're like, uh, going back to her
place.
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And then, like, he can't find his keys.
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Well, then he needs, like, a flashlight.
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And then he says, help me find my keys
and we can drive out of here.
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I don't get it.
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She was a slut.
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Hey,
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put it.
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Isn't it like from that city liquor
movie?
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Oh, yeah.
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00:08:08,260 --> 00:08:11,980
Remember that one part where that guy,
like, sticks his hand up that cow's
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Oh, yeah, yeah.
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00:08:13,900 --> 00:08:17,140
And then he, like, pulls out a dog, and
it's all wet.
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That wasn't a dog.
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That looked like a big rabbit.
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Good morning to you. Welcome to this
beautiful day.
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We're going to help you get off to a
great start.
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Hey, buddy. I dreamed I was in school
last night. You think that counts for
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attendance? Uh, I think so.
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Was I there, too?
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Yeah.
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Cool.
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So let's, like, take the day off.
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Yeah.
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What do you want to do?
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Uh... Mine? Couldn't be better.
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And now for the weather. Here's Willard
Scott. Thanks, Brian. And what another
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beautiful day outside.
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We've got some birthdays here.
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Eleanor Riley from sunny Clearwater,
Florida is 100 years young today.
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That's Snoop Doggy Dog.
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00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:19,960
No, dumbass.
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That's a chick.
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She's got his hair cut, though.
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Yeah.
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You little weirdo.
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Yeah.
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She's like one of those drama club
teachers.
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00:09:33,690 --> 00:09:34,690
Oh, yeah, yeah.
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They're always trying to get you to,
like, prance around like some kind of
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00:09:38,430 --> 00:09:42,210
wussy. Yeah, it's like they say, be a
tree.
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Now be a fat tree.
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Now be a happy tree.
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Yeah.
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Man, this chick is out of her gourd.
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She's, like, completely whacked out.
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No, it's like, I can't really blame her
because, like, some of these weird
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chicks make tons of money.
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Really?
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00:10:10,180 --> 00:10:11,180
Yeah.
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00:10:11,820 --> 00:10:15,280
It's not like they're going around
saying, we need a normal chick to dance
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00:10:15,280 --> 00:10:16,259
the truck.
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00:10:16,260 --> 00:10:18,180
Yeah. Hey, buddy.
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You think I could make some, like, money
if I acted like a weird chick?
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I think you have to, like, be from
England or something.
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00:10:25,080 --> 00:10:26,280
Oh, damn it.
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00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:29,800
Whoa, she's grabbing her crotch. Oh,
yeah, yeah.
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00:10:30,160 --> 00:10:31,160
Hey,
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buddy, I thought Jake didn't have a
crotch. No, dumbass.
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00:10:34,780 --> 00:10:36,140
You're thinking of nads.
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00:10:37,440 --> 00:10:40,300
Well, I'm thinking of the crotch,
actually.
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00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:43,200
So girls have a crotch?
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00:10:44,840 --> 00:10:45,840
I'll be damned.
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00:10:45,890 --> 00:10:50,440
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