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1
00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074
Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today
2
00:00:44,843 --> 00:00:47,835
Everyone, have your money
ready. We only have so much time.
3
00:00:47,913 --> 00:00:50,381
Okay, say, "Cheers!" Cheers.
4
00:00:50,449 --> 00:00:52,041
Say, "Beer!" Beer!
5
00:00:52,117 --> 00:00:53,516
Say, "Cheers!"
6
00:00:55,321 --> 00:00:56,982
Glen, you got to take
that shirt off, pal.
7
00:00:57,056 --> 00:00:58,080
Why?
8
00:00:58,157 --> 00:01:00,682
Hands, you wanna field this one?
9
00:01:00,759 --> 00:01:02,488
Uh, dude, you're getting a fake ID...
10
00:01:02,561 --> 00:01:04,495
...and you're wearing a shirt
that says you're in high school.
11
00:01:04,563 --> 00:01:05,723
So?
12
00:01:05,798 --> 00:01:07,925
Okay, whatever. I'll fix it later.
13
00:01:08,000 --> 00:01:09,126
Just do what you were doing.
14
00:01:09,201 --> 00:01:11,032
Give me some nice cat things.
15
00:01:11,170 --> 00:01:12,637
- B!
- Oh, hey, Schrader.
16
00:01:12,705 --> 00:01:14,434
What the hell is going on here?
17
00:01:14,506 --> 00:01:15,666
Relax, pal.
18
00:01:15,741 --> 00:01:16,969
Five percent goes to
your favorite charity.
19
00:01:17,042 --> 00:01:18,669
Uh, I forgot to tell
you, I borrowed your keys.
20
00:01:18,744 --> 00:01:20,712
You borrowed my keys? Come on.
21
00:01:20,779 --> 00:01:22,007
Well, I needed them. Ow.
22
00:01:22,081 --> 00:01:23,708
We're providing a vital
service to America's youth here.
23
00:01:23,782 --> 00:01:26,080
Could we get the next in line,
please? No, we're not. Stay there!
24
00:01:26,151 --> 00:01:28,119
We're contributing to the
delinquency of minors, B.
25
00:01:28,187 --> 00:01:30,155
Do you know what will
happen to me if I get caught?
26
00:01:30,222 --> 00:01:31,883
Every day after eighth period...
27
00:01:31,957 --> 00:01:33,515
Vice Principal Matthews comes in here.
28
00:01:33,592 --> 00:01:35,321
He picks up the women's
fitness magazine...
29
00:01:35,394 --> 00:01:37,385
...and he snaps one off!
30
00:01:37,463 --> 00:01:38,862
Are you serious? Yes.
31
00:01:38,931 --> 00:01:39,920
That is a problem.
32
00:01:39,999 --> 00:01:42,024
Uh, okay, well, we still have
the rest of eighth period, right?
33
00:01:42,101 --> 00:01:43,693
So, we'll just pack everybody
up and get out of here.
34
00:01:43,769 --> 00:01:44,758
Okay, let's go!
35
00:01:46,305 --> 00:01:47,431
Shit!
36
00:01:52,044 --> 00:01:54,171
Gaines! Gaines! Gaines!
37
00:01:54,713 --> 00:01:55,975
Okay, good, good.
38
00:01:56,048 --> 00:01:58,448
Ah, wonderful! Vice Principal Matthews!
39
00:01:58,517 --> 00:01:59,609
So glad you could join us!
40
00:01:59,685 --> 00:02:01,312
What the hell is this?
41
00:02:01,453 --> 00:02:02,784
It's Glee Club practice, sir.
42
00:02:02,855 --> 00:02:05,722
We're just gettin' ready for
Memorial Day. It's a big one for us.
43
00:02:05,791 --> 00:02:07,486
We don't have a Glee Club.
44
00:02:07,860 --> 00:02:08,918
Not yet, we don't, sir.
45
00:02:08,994 --> 00:02:11,087
But as the graduating class,
we wanted to leave behind...
46
00:02:11,163 --> 00:02:13,154
...a legacy that inspires
future students...
47
00:02:13,232 --> 00:02:15,826
...to take initiative rather
than spend their time...
48
00:02:15,901 --> 00:02:18,802
I don't know, privately defacing
women's fitness magazines.
49
00:02:19,505 --> 00:02:20,699
I mean, I went to read an article...
50
00:02:20,773 --> 00:02:22,832
...about no carbs and
higher reps the other day...
51
00:02:22,908 --> 00:02:24,239
...and the pages were...
You are a rotten egg.
52
00:02:24,309 --> 00:02:26,607
...as if by some natural
adhesive. That'll be enough.
53
00:02:26,678 --> 00:02:28,270
I need to cut the pounds...
54
00:02:28,347 --> 00:02:29,746
...and I can't open the... Stop it!
55
00:02:29,815 --> 00:02:31,715
Whatever does it for... Stop it!
56
00:02:31,784 --> 00:02:33,376
That's all I'm gonna say.
57
00:02:33,452 --> 00:02:35,283
Thank God you're graduating.
58
00:02:37,022 --> 00:02:38,580
I'm the fourth-generation
Schrader... Sorry.
59
00:02:38,657 --> 00:02:40,522
...to go to Harmon College, okay? Yeah.
60
00:02:40,592 --> 00:02:42,253
I can't do anything to screw that up.
61
00:02:42,327 --> 00:02:44,921
You know, like, I don't know,
getting busted for identity fraud.
62
00:02:44,997 --> 00:02:47,329
Look at you. Would you stop, man? Relax.
63
00:02:47,399 --> 00:02:48,798
We're all goin' to college, okay?
64
00:02:48,867 --> 00:02:50,835
This is said by the guy
who's been rejected... Hey, B.
65
00:02:50,903 --> 00:02:51,927
...by seven schools.
66
00:02:52,004 --> 00:02:53,596
Hey, I'm creating dramatic tension.
67
00:02:53,672 --> 00:02:55,469
I got a good feeling
about number eight! Ugh.
68
00:02:56,175 --> 00:03:00,202
I got in! I got in!
I got into Princeton!
69
00:03:00,279 --> 00:03:02,270
Yeah! Yeah!
70
00:03:03,649 --> 00:03:05,446
Hey, I think that guy
got into Princeton.
71
00:03:05,517 --> 00:03:06,745
Oh, what makes you say that?
72
00:03:06,819 --> 00:03:07,843
I don't know.
73
00:03:07,920 --> 00:03:09,080
Bartleby! Hey.
74
00:03:09,154 --> 00:03:10,985
Hey, how are you,
Monica? Hey, how are you?
75
00:03:11,056 --> 00:03:12,956
Good. Do you know Schrader?
76
00:03:13,025 --> 00:03:15,459
No, I don't think so. Oh! Yes! We...
77
00:03:16,228 --> 00:03:17,923
I actually... We had a class.
78
00:03:17,996 --> 00:03:19,020
Oh, yeah.
79
00:03:19,098 --> 00:03:21,293
My shit was all crazy.
I sat way behind you.
80
00:03:21,366 --> 00:03:23,596
Yeah. Sorry. I don't
remember you, either.
81
00:03:23,669 --> 00:03:24,795
Sorry. It's all right.
82
00:03:24,870 --> 00:03:27,236
Um, anyway, I really
wanted to ask you something.
83
00:03:27,306 --> 00:03:28,364
Sure, anything.
84
00:03:28,440 --> 00:03:29,498
Um, you know, I know it's really late...
85
00:03:29,575 --> 00:03:30,872
...but, um, last
minute and everything...
86
00:03:30,943 --> 00:03:32,672
...but prom is coming up
soon, you know? It's okay. Yes.
87
00:03:32,744 --> 00:03:35,577
And I'm actually having a
party at my house beforehand.
88
00:03:35,647 --> 00:03:37,342
Awesome! And I was wondering...
89
00:03:37,416 --> 00:03:40,249
...if you'd like to,
um... If you could, um...
90
00:03:40,319 --> 00:03:42,287
I'd love to... mow our lawn.
91
00:03:43,455 --> 00:03:45,514
Mow your lawn? Yeah.
92
00:03:45,591 --> 00:03:47,582
Oh. I'm sorry.
93
00:03:48,360 --> 00:03:50,760
Yeah. I'm really
embarrassed, but, you know...
94
00:03:50,829 --> 00:03:52,956
...our mower's broken and my mom
was just, like, "Ask Bartleby!"
95
00:03:53,031 --> 00:03:54,055
That's cool!
96
00:03:54,133 --> 00:03:56,260
I... Yeah. Tell your mother I
would love to mow the lawn. Really?
97
00:03:56,335 --> 00:03:57,461
Of course.
98
00:03:57,536 --> 00:03:58,525
Thank you so much. Yeah, sure.
99
00:03:58,604 --> 00:04:00,595
Thank you. Hey, babe!
Hey, yo, Monica! Come on!
100
00:04:00,672 --> 00:04:02,139
Sorry, I got to go.
101
00:04:02,207 --> 00:04:03,765
But thank you, again. Yeah, s-sure.
102
00:04:03,842 --> 00:04:05,673
You're really helping us
out. Oh, great to see you.
103
00:04:05,744 --> 00:04:07,336
And, hey, it was nice to
meet, um, see you. Talk to you.
104
00:04:07,412 --> 00:04:09,073
Yes, yes. It was... It was
so nice catching up with you.
105
00:04:09,148 --> 00:04:10,945
Yeah. Okay. Bye-bye.
B- Bye, Monica.
106
00:04:11,016 --> 00:04:12,483
Hey, I'm sorry to
keep you waiting, baby.
107
00:04:12,551 --> 00:04:14,712
Hoyt Ambrose. Hoyt!
108
00:04:14,786 --> 00:04:17,653
Hoyt Ambrose. What's that
guy got that I don't have?
109
00:04:17,723 --> 00:04:19,418
I just need to get a car.
110
00:04:20,792 --> 00:04:22,123
And classic good looks.
111
00:04:39,178 --> 00:04:40,702
"I regret... "
112
00:04:50,022 --> 00:04:52,388
I can't believe I didn't get into State!
113
00:04:52,457 --> 00:04:53,822
I wasn't even aiming high with that one.
114
00:04:53,892 --> 00:04:54,950
That was my fallback!
115
00:04:55,027 --> 00:04:57,052
It was my safety school, my fail-safe!
116
00:04:57,129 --> 00:04:59,927
Maybe you're just too average.
117
00:05:00,032 --> 00:05:01,158
Hey, time out.
118
00:05:01,233 --> 00:05:02,393
Too average?
119
00:05:02,768 --> 00:05:05,293
Okay. Okay. Excuse me, Lizzie.
120
00:05:05,370 --> 00:05:06,928
R- R-Remember who
you're talkin' to here.
121
00:05:07,005 --> 00:05:08,302
I didn't have to go to gym
class for a whole year...
122
00:05:08,373 --> 00:05:09,806
'cause I claimed to
be allergic to sweat.
123
00:05:09,875 --> 00:05:12,469
Or what about the time I got the note
from my doctor saying I was nocturnal...
124
00:05:12,544 --> 00:05:14,136
...and I was allowed
to study in my dreams?
125
00:05:14,213 --> 00:05:16,807
I got the school bully, Frank
Daley, kicked out for two years...
126
00:05:16,882 --> 00:05:18,713
...because he was
sexually harassing me...
127
00:05:18,784 --> 00:05:21,218
...by pushing me up against the
locker and I said I felt something.
128
00:05:21,286 --> 00:05:23,117
I mean, come on. That was pure genius.
129
00:05:23,188 --> 00:05:26,487
Maybe if you didn't write an essay
called "I Don't Have a Clue. "
130
00:05:26,558 --> 00:05:27,752
Well, it's true. You know?
131
00:05:27,826 --> 00:05:29,794
I don't have a clue what I want
to do with the rest of my life.
132
00:05:29,861 --> 00:05:31,522
Mom and Dad are gonna kill you.
133
00:05:31,597 --> 00:05:33,030
O ye of little faith.
134
00:05:33,232 --> 00:05:35,325
They're not gonna kill me. Uh-huh.
135
00:05:35,534 --> 00:05:36,592
I just have to spin it...
136
00:05:36,668 --> 00:05:38,659
...and put it in terms
they can understand.
137
00:05:38,737 --> 00:05:40,068
I don't understand.
138
00:05:40,138 --> 00:05:41,935
I don't understand, either.
139
00:05:42,241 --> 00:05:43,799
Okay, I figure it like this.
140
00:05:43,875 --> 00:05:46,503
The average cost of college
is, what, $20,000 a year?
141
00:05:46,578 --> 00:05:48,478
Now, according to these estimates
that I got off the Web...
142
00:05:48,547 --> 00:05:49,912
You can pass those around.
143
00:05:49,982 --> 00:05:51,472
Someone with no education
beyond high school...
144
00:05:51,550 --> 00:05:54,542
...can expect to make about $20,000
a year in the current job market.
145
00:05:54,620 --> 00:05:56,679
Now, that being said,
over the next four years...
146
00:05:56,755 --> 00:05:59,781
...you could either spend $80,000
147
00:05:59,858 --> 00:06:02,326
...or I could make $80,000.
148
00:06:03,528 --> 00:06:05,723
Are you saying you don't
want to go to college?
149
00:06:05,797 --> 00:06:08,163
No. I'm saying that it is
fiscally irresponsible...
150
00:06:08,233 --> 00:06:10,326
...for me to go to college. You know?
151
00:06:10,535 --> 00:06:12,628
Are you huffing? Oh, God. No.
152
00:06:12,704 --> 00:06:14,604
Are you high? You're huffing grass?
153
00:06:14,673 --> 00:06:17,164
No. I'm not huffing, Mom. I'm
not stoned. I'm completely fine.
154
00:06:17,242 --> 00:06:19,836
In fact, I'm more clear and
level-headed than I've ever been.
155
00:06:19,911 --> 00:06:22,004
Okay, cut the crap, Bartleby.
156
00:06:22,080 --> 00:06:23,479
Society has rules.
157
00:06:23,782 --> 00:06:26,546
And the first rule is you
go to college. Mmm-hmm.
158
00:06:26,618 --> 00:06:29,246
You want to have a happy and
successful life? You go to college.
159
00:06:29,321 --> 00:06:31,312
If you want to be
somebody, you go to college.
160
00:06:31,390 --> 00:06:33,551
If you want to fit
in, you go to college.
161
00:06:33,625 --> 00:06:36,150
Well, you know what? Maybe
I didn't get into college.
162
00:06:44,136 --> 00:06:45,194
What do you mean?
163
00:06:48,073 --> 00:06:50,007
I didn't get accepted anywhere.
164
00:06:50,509 --> 00:06:52,101
Oh, Bartleby.
165
00:06:52,177 --> 00:06:53,166
Damn it.
166
00:06:53,245 --> 00:06:56,772
I knew he should've started preparing
for college in junior high...
167
00:06:56,848 --> 00:06:58,145
...like his sister.
168
00:06:58,216 --> 00:07:00,343
Now, she's got a shot. I've got a shot.
169
00:07:00,419 --> 00:07:01,681
She's got a shot. Listen, guys.
170
00:07:01,753 --> 00:07:03,914
There are plenty of successful
people who didn't go to college.
171
00:07:03,989 --> 00:07:05,786
Albert Einstein, you know.
172
00:07:05,857 --> 00:07:07,916
Pocahontas never went to college.
173
00:07:07,993 --> 00:07:09,790
Corey Feldman and Corey Haim.
174
00:07:09,861 --> 00:07:10,987
They had a great run.
175
00:07:11,063 --> 00:07:12,621
Both Lewis and Clark.
176
00:07:12,831 --> 00:07:14,560
Suzanne Somers. Bono.
177
00:07:15,767 --> 00:07:17,860
I need to go check on the cobbler.
178
00:07:19,905 --> 00:07:21,805
"Check the cobbler. " Glug, glug, glug.
179
00:07:22,140 --> 00:07:25,541
You know, I really don't care
what Sonny Bono did or didn't do.
180
00:07:26,044 --> 00:07:27,477
You're goin' to college.
181
00:07:31,883 --> 00:07:33,350
I told you so.
182
00:07:33,418 --> 00:07:34,715
You were adopted.
183
00:07:36,655 --> 00:07:37,849
Everyone...
184
00:07:37,923 --> 00:07:40,949
I would like to propose
a toast to our graduates.
185
00:07:41,026 --> 00:07:42,687
To the Class of 2006...
186
00:07:42,761 --> 00:07:44,956
...may the next four years of college...
187
00:07:45,030 --> 00:07:46,930
...be the best years of your life.
188
00:07:46,998 --> 00:07:48,397
Hear, hear. Mom.
189
00:07:49,801 --> 00:07:51,735
Hey. Hey, man, what's up?
190
00:07:51,803 --> 00:07:54,101
What's up, B? How you doin'? What's up?
191
00:07:54,272 --> 00:07:56,069
Dude, I swear, if one
more person tells me...
192
00:07:56,141 --> 00:07:58,405
...how excited they are to go
to college, I'm gonna lose it.
193
00:07:58,477 --> 00:07:59,876
Oh, man, I heard about the scholarship.
194
00:07:59,945 --> 00:08:02,436
That's insane. You're one of
the best receivers in the state.
195
00:08:02,514 --> 00:08:05,142
Uh, the best. And, uh,
no knee, no football, man.
196
00:08:05,217 --> 00:08:07,185
That sucks. What are you gonna do now?
197
00:08:07,452 --> 00:08:09,443
I have no idea.
198
00:08:09,955 --> 00:08:11,445
That makes two of us, pal.
199
00:08:11,523 --> 00:08:13,548
It's fine, it's fine, it's
fine, it's fine, it's fine.
200
00:08:13,625 --> 00:08:16,560
Hey, Rory. What's goin' on?
Oh, hey. What? Fine. Nothing.
201
00:08:16,628 --> 00:08:18,892
Um, I... I didn't get into Yale.
202
00:08:19,064 --> 00:08:20,827
I did... I didn't, I
didn't get into Yale.
203
00:08:20,899 --> 00:08:22,526
I didn't... I didn't get into Yale.
204
00:08:22,601 --> 00:08:24,398
What? I can't believe that!
205
00:08:24,469 --> 00:08:26,801
Well, there's no room for Rory at Yale.
206
00:08:26,872 --> 00:08:28,669
Too many rich kids
with mediocre grades...
207
00:08:28,740 --> 00:08:30,901
...and well-connected
parents this year, I guess.
208
00:08:30,976 --> 00:08:32,534
No room for Rory, who's been working...
209
00:08:32,611 --> 00:08:34,203
...since first grade to get into Yale.
210
00:08:34,279 --> 00:08:36,440
Rory, who only applied
to Yale and nowhere else.
211
00:08:36,515 --> 00:08:37,709
I had it all planned!
212
00:08:37,783 --> 00:08:40,183
It was perfect, B! Perfect!
213
00:08:40,752 --> 00:08:42,879
And now it's nothing! Nada!
214
00:08:43,255 --> 00:08:44,620
It's a goose egg!
215
00:08:45,056 --> 00:08:46,751
Okay. Well.
216
00:08:47,325 --> 00:08:49,020
God, Rory! Rory!
217
00:08:50,829 --> 00:08:52,421
She's handling that really well.
218
00:08:52,497 --> 00:08:54,362
College is for pussies!
219
00:08:54,499 --> 00:08:56,364
All right. I got to
get out of here, pal.
220
00:08:56,435 --> 00:08:57,868
Hang in there. All right, man. You, too.
221
00:08:57,936 --> 00:09:00,632
Bartleby! Hey! Oh, hey, Mr.
Schrader. I was actually just...
222
00:09:00,705 --> 00:09:01,729
Did you have any cake?
223
00:09:01,807 --> 00:09:03,297
No, you know, I'm not
much of a cake guy.
224
00:09:03,375 --> 00:09:04,433
Oh, it is a hell of a cake.
225
00:09:04,509 --> 00:09:07,478
It is the same cake we got for Scotty
and Seth when they got into Harmon.
226
00:09:07,546 --> 00:09:09,070
Oh, ah, everything comes full circle.
227
00:09:09,147 --> 00:09:11,172
Jay! How are ya, bud?
Oh, I really don't...
228
00:09:11,249 --> 00:09:12,546
Hey, Stu. Hey.
229
00:09:12,617 --> 00:09:14,380
I can't imagine your pride,
knowing your youngest...
230
00:09:14,453 --> 00:09:16,853
...is headed off to a good
college. Must take a load off.
231
00:09:16,922 --> 00:09:18,150
Yeah, well, not to mention...
232
00:09:18,223 --> 00:09:20,487
...the load it takes
off my bank account.
233
00:09:22,694 --> 00:09:23,683
Dad.
234
00:09:23,762 --> 00:09:25,525
Nothin' like gettin' a load off!
235
00:09:27,866 --> 00:09:29,299
What about you, Bartleby?
236
00:09:29,835 --> 00:09:31,803
That's a good question, Mr. Harkin.
237
00:09:32,871 --> 00:09:35,101
What's with the questions, Mr. Trebek?
238
00:09:35,841 --> 00:09:37,468
Where you goin'?
239
00:09:39,044 --> 00:09:41,342
Um, I... I., well...
240
00:09:42,414 --> 00:09:43,938
I didn't really, uh...
241
00:09:44,015 --> 00:09:46,575
Bartleby screwed around and
now he's not goin' to college.
242
00:09:46,651 --> 00:09:48,312
He's thrown his life away.
243
00:09:54,593 --> 00:09:57,061
Yeah, that's... That's what
I was gonna say. Thanks, Dad.
244
00:10:46,411 --> 00:10:49,312
Wait. South Harmon
Institute of Technology?
245
00:10:49,381 --> 00:10:52,407
Yeah. B, you realize that
makes it S.H.I.T., right?
246
00:10:52,751 --> 00:10:55,151
S.H.I.T.? I was wingin' it. Whatever.
247
00:10:55,253 --> 00:10:56,914
Just finish building
the website, please.
248
00:10:56,988 --> 00:11:00,685
This is the act of a desperate,
wildly unrealistic person.
249
00:11:00,759 --> 00:11:03,489
Yo, B, you have to hook me up with
one of these acceptance letters, bro.
250
00:11:03,562 --> 00:11:05,621
Are you kidding me? No way. Why not?
251
00:11:05,697 --> 00:11:08,427
Oh, come on. The only way this is
gonna work is if we keep it quiet.
252
00:11:08,500 --> 00:11:09,990
And even then, it's still a long shot.
253
00:11:10,068 --> 00:11:12,195
Dude, I don't care. I
have to do somethin'.
254
00:11:12,270 --> 00:11:13,328
The minute I lost my scholarship...
255
00:11:13,405 --> 00:11:16,033
...my pop started talkin' about
me getting my own bus route.
256
00:11:16,107 --> 00:11:17,540
Help me. Please? Mmm.
257
00:11:19,077 --> 00:11:20,567
You know something?
258
00:11:20,645 --> 00:11:23,273
For the safety of the public,
I can't let you drive a bus.
259
00:11:23,348 --> 00:11:24,542
Sweet. But listen to me.
260
00:11:24,616 --> 00:11:26,413
This is just a temporary
stopgap measure, okay?
261
00:11:26,484 --> 00:11:28,008
Nothing more. Gotcha.
262
00:11:28,086 --> 00:11:30,554
Bravo, guys. Great. Both of you guys.
263
00:11:30,622 --> 00:11:33,682
Let's start this fake college. And then
we'll go start a meth lab somewhere.
264
00:11:33,758 --> 00:11:35,692
Come on. It's a gateway crime. What?
265
00:11:35,760 --> 00:11:36,784
That's how these things start.
266
00:11:36,861 --> 00:11:38,192
You know something, Schrader...
267
00:11:38,263 --> 00:11:39,730
...you got into a great college.
268
00:11:39,798 --> 00:11:41,163
And your future's lookin' really good...
269
00:11:41,232 --> 00:11:43,962
...and I'm psyched for you, pal, 'cause
you're my best friend and I love you.
270
00:11:44,035 --> 00:11:47,664
I'm talking about me coming
to you, asking for your help.
271
00:11:47,772 --> 00:11:49,603
Just finish the damn website.
272
00:11:50,275 --> 00:11:51,264
Please.
273
00:11:54,079 --> 00:11:55,239
What do you say?
274
00:11:55,313 --> 00:11:57,008
There he is! Fine.
275
00:11:57,082 --> 00:11:58,811
Get off me, you idiot.
276
00:11:58,883 --> 00:12:01,147
But we need some sort of, like,
mission statement or something.
277
00:12:01,219 --> 00:12:03,813
Your dad's gonna want to see
that. I know him, he's a hard-ass.
278
00:12:04,656 --> 00:12:05,884
Hey, kids. Honey!
279
00:12:05,957 --> 00:12:07,857
Hey. Hi. How are you? Hey.
280
00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:09,984
What's this?
281
00:12:10,061 --> 00:12:12,495
South Harmon Institute of
Technology? What's that?
282
00:12:12,564 --> 00:12:14,191
Mmm? What's that?
283
00:12:14,265 --> 00:12:17,132
One of the most respected schools
in the area, that's what that is.
284
00:12:17,202 --> 00:12:18,294
Well, what's it say?
285
00:12:18,370 --> 00:12:19,769
I gotta open it first.
286
00:12:19,838 --> 00:12:21,203
Come on, hurry.
287
00:12:22,140 --> 00:12:23,300
Oh. I'm nervous.
288
00:12:27,779 --> 00:12:29,337
"Dear Bartleby...
289
00:12:30,815 --> 00:12:33,215
"congratulations, you've been accepted!"
290
00:12:33,284 --> 00:12:34,512
I got in!
291
00:12:34,586 --> 00:12:37,054
Aw, thank God. Thank God. I got in!
292
00:12:37,155 --> 00:12:38,486
Hey-o! Oh! God!
293
00:12:38,556 --> 00:12:39,716
Honey. I'm okay.
294
00:12:39,791 --> 00:12:42,123
Hey, this is great!
295
00:12:42,193 --> 00:12:43,217
It's so exciting!
296
00:12:43,294 --> 00:12:46,058
What the hell is South Harmon
Institute of Technology? Yeah.
297
00:12:46,131 --> 00:12:47,530
Oh, it's one of Harmon
College's sister schools.
298
00:12:47,599 --> 00:12:49,499
I've never heard of it.
299
00:12:50,035 --> 00:12:51,696
Well, because it's the baby sister.
300
00:12:51,770 --> 00:12:54,637
It's the most discreet and
unharmed of the sister schools.
301
00:12:54,706 --> 00:12:56,264
You got any literature on this place?
302
00:12:56,341 --> 00:12:58,707
Yeah, there's a website,
I'll show you the link.
303
00:12:59,377 --> 00:13:01,402
You did it. You're a college boy.
304
00:13:01,546 --> 00:13:02,774
Wow.
305
00:13:02,914 --> 00:13:05,246
So you guys want to eat? Yeah.
306
00:13:11,823 --> 00:13:14,189
Hey! I hate my life.
307
00:13:14,259 --> 00:13:15,988
I'm a huge tool.
308
00:13:16,061 --> 00:13:17,255
Have fun being hot.
309
00:13:17,328 --> 00:13:18,317
Bartleby!
310
00:13:19,197 --> 00:13:20,960
Hey, Dad, what's up?
311
00:13:21,666 --> 00:13:22,894
I took a look at that website.
312
00:13:22,967 --> 00:13:24,161
Oh.
313
00:13:24,369 --> 00:13:25,427
Cool.
314
00:13:25,503 --> 00:13:26,561
It looks unreal.
315
00:13:26,638 --> 00:13:28,071
Unreal?
316
00:13:28,139 --> 00:13:30,573
Yeah, it looks pretty unbelievable, huh?
317
00:13:31,276 --> 00:13:32,641
It seems like a solid place.
318
00:13:32,711 --> 00:13:33,700
Really?
319
00:13:33,778 --> 00:13:35,075
Here you go.
320
00:13:38,116 --> 00:13:40,516
First semester's tuition. Paid in full.
321
00:13:41,886 --> 00:13:43,183
That's great.
322
00:13:43,254 --> 00:13:45,154
Wow, thank you, Dad.
323
00:13:45,657 --> 00:13:47,022
Oh, sorry. Sorry.
324
00:13:47,659 --> 00:13:49,058
Thanks, Dad.
325
00:13:50,762 --> 00:13:53,026
Your mother and I can't
wait to drop you off.
326
00:13:58,036 --> 00:14:00,004
What we need to do is
lease a place near Harmon...
327
00:14:00,071 --> 00:14:01,504
...so we can fool our parents. Yeah.
328
00:14:01,573 --> 00:14:04,736
Hey, Schrad, do you know any
places up near Harmon we can rent?
329
00:14:04,809 --> 00:14:06,003
Oh, yeah, I do, actually.
330
00:14:06,077 --> 00:14:07,704
I carry around a list
with me at all times...
331
00:14:07,779 --> 00:14:09,610
...of abandoned buildings
for fake colleges.
332
00:14:09,814 --> 00:14:11,577
Dude, I started you guys
a bank account already.
333
00:14:11,649 --> 00:14:12,809
What do you want me to be, your realtor?
334
00:14:12,884 --> 00:14:14,613
Oh, hey, guys. What's up?
335
00:14:14,686 --> 00:14:15,710
Hey, what's up, Glen?
336
00:14:15,787 --> 00:14:16,776
Hey. Hey, Glen...
337
00:14:16,855 --> 00:14:18,789
...when did you start
working at the Kwik 'N Stop?
338
00:14:18,857 --> 00:14:23,226
Since I got boned, hard, by
every college I applied to.
339
00:14:23,294 --> 00:14:24,454
Why, what happened?
340
00:14:24,562 --> 00:14:26,189
Some political crap.
341
00:14:26,397 --> 00:14:28,524
I got a zero on my SATs.
342
00:14:29,033 --> 00:14:30,660
You know you get 600 points...
343
00:14:30,735 --> 00:14:32,259
...just for signing your name, right?
344
00:14:37,175 --> 00:14:38,665
All right, let's get serious, man.
345
00:14:38,743 --> 00:14:41,177
Now, where we gonna find a
place to pass off as a college?
346
00:14:41,246 --> 00:14:44,306
Hey, guys! I know a place.
347
00:14:45,283 --> 00:14:46,978
How'd you know about this place?
348
00:14:48,052 --> 00:14:49,610
I used to do volunteer work here.
349
00:14:49,687 --> 00:14:50,745
This place is awesome.
350
00:14:50,822 --> 00:14:52,619
'Cause now I can finally get hepatitis.
351
00:14:52,690 --> 00:14:54,988
A bird in the hand,
dude. A bird in the hand.
352
00:14:55,059 --> 00:14:56,549
That doesn't make any sense.
353
00:14:56,628 --> 00:14:58,027
It's a saying. What?
354
00:14:58,096 --> 00:14:59,723
A diamond in the rough.
355
00:14:59,798 --> 00:15:02,392
Hope you guys have hobo-stab insurance.
356
00:15:04,669 --> 00:15:06,796
Great. The birthplace of crack.
357
00:15:10,842 --> 00:15:12,571
Hello, beautiful.
358
00:15:15,747 --> 00:15:17,510
Hey! Hey, guys, don't go in there.
359
00:15:17,582 --> 00:15:18,606
This is breaking and entering.
360
00:15:18,683 --> 00:15:20,878
Schrader, come on. Don't be scared.
361
00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:24,088
Who's scared? I'm not
scared. You're scared.
362
00:15:24,155 --> 00:15:26,851
Schrader, you were scared to
try the new flavor of Dr. Pepper.
363
00:15:26,925 --> 00:15:29,291
I told you that in confidence, Hands.
364
00:15:29,627 --> 00:15:31,254
Schrader, you were afraid
when your tooth fell out...
365
00:15:31,329 --> 00:15:32,853
...because you were
terrified of the tooth fairy.
366
00:15:32,931 --> 00:15:34,296
That's actually a legitimate fear.
367
00:15:34,365 --> 00:15:35,923
She was rifling through my shit.
368
00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:37,831
Okay, Fine, whatever, dude, stay here.
369
00:15:37,902 --> 00:15:39,426
Fine. I will.
370
00:15:40,605 --> 00:15:41,867
Okay, guys, seriously...
371
00:15:41,940 --> 00:15:44,306
I don't want to be here alone
when the walls start to bleed.
372
00:15:44,375 --> 00:15:45,899
We don't have to
renovate the whole place.
373
00:15:45,977 --> 00:15:47,308
We just have to focus
on essential areas.
374
00:15:47,378 --> 00:15:49,403
We got the... The main lobby. Hallway.
375
00:15:49,480 --> 00:15:51,414
Dorm rooms. Dorm rooms, exactly.
376
00:15:51,482 --> 00:15:53,643
I think this could really
work. Huh? It's awesome!
377
00:15:53,718 --> 00:15:55,151
Can you hold that? Yeah.
378
00:15:55,220 --> 00:15:56,983
Guys, a little can-do
attitude, some elbow grease...
379
00:15:57,055 --> 00:15:58,352
...maybe a smile from Schrader.
380
00:15:58,423 --> 00:16:00,448
It's like cleaning up
your room, you know?
381
00:16:00,525 --> 00:16:03,392
Welcome to the South Harmon
Institute of Technology.
382
00:16:03,461 --> 00:16:05,224
Atta baby. The beginning of good things.
383
00:16:05,296 --> 00:16:06,320
Yeah.
384
00:16:15,406 --> 00:16:17,738
Schrader, what the hell was that?
385
00:16:17,809 --> 00:16:20,369
Um, this is embarrassing.
386
00:16:20,445 --> 00:16:21,434
Are you kidding?
387
00:16:21,512 --> 00:16:22,536
It would be really cool...
388
00:16:22,614 --> 00:16:25,082
...if you guys wouldn't tell
people I scream like that.
389
00:16:43,701 --> 00:16:45,828
Ready, set, go.
390
00:16:45,904 --> 00:16:48,270
Whoo! All right.
391
00:16:48,940 --> 00:16:50,498
Uh, whoa, Glen.
392
00:16:50,942 --> 00:16:52,034
Oh, hey, B.
393
00:16:52,110 --> 00:16:53,304
What are you doing here, buddy?
394
00:16:53,378 --> 00:16:55,073
Rory told me about it.
395
00:16:55,146 --> 00:16:57,580
What are you doing? We were gonna
keep this place a big secret.
396
00:16:57,649 --> 00:16:59,207
But he didn't have any place to go.
397
00:16:59,284 --> 00:17:00,649
He got fired from the Kwik 'N Stop.
398
00:17:00,718 --> 00:17:02,948
Is that true? Why'd
you... Why'd you get fired?
399
00:17:03,021 --> 00:17:05,046
I got fired for making a shrimp slushee.
400
00:17:06,124 --> 00:17:07,182
That's disgusting. See?
401
00:17:07,258 --> 00:17:08,486
Why would you do that, pal?
402
00:17:08,559 --> 00:17:10,754
'Cause I was hungry and thirsty.
403
00:17:10,828 --> 00:17:11,817
Oh, God.
404
00:17:36,321 --> 00:17:39,882
This kitchen is bitchin'!
405
00:17:40,425 --> 00:17:42,120
And this'll be the bath...
406
00:17:44,996 --> 00:17:46,395
Close the door. Shit!
407
00:17:46,464 --> 00:17:47,829
Close it!
408
00:18:18,129 --> 00:18:21,792
It takes 10,000 steps to
get from here to greatness.
409
00:18:21,866 --> 00:18:23,356
And this right here...
410
00:18:23,601 --> 00:18:25,364
...this is step one.
411
00:18:25,570 --> 00:18:26,730
Good luck, Son.
412
00:18:30,408 --> 00:18:33,502
Mister Ambrose, do you know what
makes Harmon a great college?
413
00:18:33,578 --> 00:18:34,602
Rejection.
414
00:18:35,780 --> 00:18:37,748
The exclusivity of any university...
415
00:18:37,815 --> 00:18:39,908
...is judged primarily by
the amount of students...
416
00:18:39,984 --> 00:18:41,281
...it rejects.
417
00:18:41,919 --> 00:18:43,580
Unfortunately, for the last few years...
418
00:18:43,654 --> 00:18:45,713
...we have been unable to
match the amount of students...
419
00:18:45,790 --> 00:18:48,588
...that Yale, Princeton,
or even Stanford rejects...
420
00:18:48,659 --> 00:18:50,627
...primarily because of
our physical limitations.
421
00:18:50,695 --> 00:18:52,959
But all that is about to change.
422
00:18:53,398 --> 00:18:55,457
Yale has one, Princeton has one.
423
00:18:55,533 --> 00:18:57,000
And now Harmon College will have...
424
00:18:57,068 --> 00:18:59,229
...the prestigious
entranceway it deserves.
425
00:18:59,303 --> 00:19:00,861
A verdant buffer zone...
426
00:19:00,938 --> 00:19:03,372
...to keep knowledge
in, and ignorance out.
427
00:19:03,474 --> 00:19:06,136
That is a great idea, sir. Yes, it is.
428
00:19:06,210 --> 00:19:07,871
Now, you, Mr. Ambrose, are chairman...
429
00:19:07,945 --> 00:19:09,674
...of the Student Community
Outreach Committee.
430
00:19:09,747 --> 00:19:14,480
I need you to secure all
these decrepit properties...
431
00:19:14,552 --> 00:19:16,179
...in the neighboring community.
432
00:19:16,254 --> 00:19:18,654
So that we can demolish
them to make room...
433
00:19:18,723 --> 00:19:20,782
...for the Van Horne Gateway.
434
00:19:22,894 --> 00:19:24,088
You know what?
435
00:19:24,162 --> 00:19:25,686
This actually looks like the real deal.
436
00:19:25,763 --> 00:19:27,958
Guys, I don't want to be
too overly optimistic...
437
00:19:28,032 --> 00:19:29,522
...but I think this could work.
438
00:19:30,368 --> 00:19:32,359
It really looks professional. Hello.
439
00:19:32,437 --> 00:19:33,927
Hey, kid, where the hell are you?
440
00:19:34,005 --> 00:19:35,131
Oh, I'm, uh... Listen.
441
00:19:35,206 --> 00:19:36,605
I took another look at that website.
442
00:19:36,674 --> 00:19:38,437
What's all this "be what
you want to be" crap?
443
00:19:38,509 --> 00:19:40,670
No, no, Dad, they just... They
just have to say stuff like that...
444
00:19:40,745 --> 00:19:41,837
...just to keep from being sued.
445
00:19:41,913 --> 00:19:43,972
Yeah, well, sounds like
a bunch of crap to me.
446
00:19:44,048 --> 00:19:46,141
Glen, go long. Set up
a meeting with the dean.
447
00:19:47,318 --> 00:19:49,149
The dean? Jesus. Mother of hell!
448
00:19:49,220 --> 00:19:51,085
Your college does have
a dean, doesn't it?
449
00:19:51,155 --> 00:19:53,487
I'm good! Yes, of course
the college has a dean.
450
00:19:53,558 --> 00:19:54,820
Dad, you know, he's a busy
guy, though, you know...
451
00:19:54,892 --> 00:19:56,621
...he can't just, uh, set
up a meeting with parents.
452
00:19:56,694 --> 00:19:58,787
Listen. If I'm paying for
it, I'm meeting with the dean.
453
00:19:58,996 --> 00:20:02,056
I want to make sure you have the same
education I did. A real education.
454
00:20:02,133 --> 00:20:06,001
Dinner's at 8:00. Wait, Dad, Dad,
Dad, I can't... I can't... Aw, shit.
455
00:20:06,070 --> 00:20:08,129
I gotta trim this corner right
here. I think I got poisoned.
456
00:20:08,206 --> 00:20:10,299
What's up, B? We got a little problem.
457
00:20:10,374 --> 00:20:12,239
What? Who was that, Bartleby?
458
00:20:13,411 --> 00:20:14,935
We gotta find a dean.
459
00:20:15,546 --> 00:20:19,346
In life, it's important to
distinguish between need and want.
460
00:20:19,517 --> 00:20:23,283
You think you want something because
you've been conditioned to want it.
461
00:20:23,354 --> 00:20:25,219
I want the Pump!
462
00:20:25,289 --> 00:20:27,086
I don't got the Pump.
463
00:20:27,158 --> 00:20:31,492
Look, oh, I got the Tim
Duncan Adidas Cool-D's.
464
00:20:32,130 --> 00:20:34,098
I want the Pump!
465
00:20:34,298 --> 00:20:36,289
Listen, you insolent little snot...
466
00:20:36,367 --> 00:20:40,098
...there are kids right now in Asia who
are sewing your stupid shoes together...
467
00:20:40,171 --> 00:20:42,799
...so that their family can have
a bowl of rice to eat tonight!
468
00:20:42,874 --> 00:20:44,967
This is the worst idea of all time.
469
00:20:45,042 --> 00:20:46,873
Your Uncle Ben used to be a genius.
470
00:20:46,944 --> 00:20:48,172
He'll be fine. Mom!
471
00:20:48,246 --> 00:20:49,235
What did you do?
472
00:20:49,313 --> 00:20:50,871
You're the one who
emotionally crippled the kid.
473
00:20:50,948 --> 00:20:53,178
You know what? Maybe he's retarded.
474
00:20:53,551 --> 00:20:55,178
I'm glad my mother's dead.
475
00:20:55,253 --> 00:20:56,481
He's just having a bad day.
476
00:20:56,554 --> 00:20:57,919
Oh, my gosh.
477
00:20:58,356 --> 00:21:00,221
You want me to be the
dean of your college?
478
00:21:00,291 --> 00:21:02,054
No, I want you to
pretend to be the dean.
479
00:21:02,126 --> 00:21:03,150
It's just for one day.
480
00:21:03,227 --> 00:21:05,821
Uh, perhaps young Sherman
didn't share this with you.
481
00:21:05,897 --> 00:21:08,764
I've retired, I'm no longer
a shaper of young minds.
482
00:21:08,833 --> 00:21:09,925
Oh, really?
483
00:21:10,001 --> 00:21:11,263
Yeah, well, technically, he was fired.
484
00:21:11,335 --> 00:21:14,498
That's not true. I got fed
up with the education racket.
485
00:21:14,572 --> 00:21:15,664
So I quit.
486
00:21:15,740 --> 00:21:17,332
I did send in my resignation...
487
00:21:17,408 --> 00:21:19,308
...in a rather unorthodox fashion.
488
00:21:19,377 --> 00:21:22,369
You sent the dean of the
university a bag of dog shit.
489
00:21:22,647 --> 00:21:24,342
It was a metaphor. For what?
490
00:21:24,415 --> 00:21:25,939
For "You're full of shit!" Oh.
491
00:21:26,017 --> 00:21:27,746
That's not a metaphor.
That's a metaphor.
492
00:21:27,818 --> 00:21:29,308
Oh, semantics, schmantics.
493
00:21:29,387 --> 00:21:31,321
Three years from now, I'm
finished with this crap.
494
00:21:31,389 --> 00:21:33,414
I'm goin' to Papua New
Guinea. I'm outta here.
495
00:21:33,491 --> 00:21:35,118
Wh-Where... Where you going?
496
00:21:35,193 --> 00:21:36,592
I'm going off the grid.
497
00:21:36,661 --> 00:21:39,289
No more, uh, franchises,
no more Botox...
498
00:21:39,363 --> 00:21:42,423
...no more "Eh, oh, let's
clone another goat. "
499
00:21:42,500 --> 00:21:44,661
And certainly no more
sexual harassment suits.
500
00:21:44,735 --> 00:21:47,670
What's wrong with
saying, "Hey! Nice tits. "
501
00:21:47,738 --> 00:21:49,137
When did that go out the window?
502
00:21:49,207 --> 00:21:50,902
Okay, Ben, all I'm asking you...
503
00:21:50,975 --> 00:21:53,273
...is just shake a couple
hands with some parents...
504
00:21:53,344 --> 00:21:55,471
...say, "Hi, I'm the dean," whatever.
505
00:21:55,546 --> 00:21:56,706
What if we pay you?
506
00:21:56,781 --> 00:21:59,443
Don't sully my dignity with your cash.
507
00:21:59,517 --> 00:22:02,042
There you are! Did you
make another child cry?
508
00:22:03,020 --> 00:22:05,989
It's not my fault the kid's
a crybaby! Little dipshit.
509
00:22:06,057 --> 00:22:07,957
You're an asshole! You're an asshole.
510
00:22:08,025 --> 00:22:10,118
You are an asshole. And you're fired.
511
00:22:12,129 --> 00:22:14,620
Perhaps it is time to move on.
512
00:22:14,699 --> 00:22:16,223
But I get to bring my house.
513
00:22:16,300 --> 00:22:17,426
Deal.
514
00:22:17,535 --> 00:22:19,230
Right or left? Right.
515
00:22:19,303 --> 00:22:21,032
Whose right? Your call.
516
00:22:21,105 --> 00:22:23,403
You're an idiot! You're upset.
517
00:22:23,474 --> 00:22:24,736
Go with what you feel.
518
00:22:24,809 --> 00:22:26,367
You got about 12 feet.
519
00:22:28,779 --> 00:22:29,939
Perfect.
520
00:22:30,114 --> 00:22:31,411
Asshole.
521
00:22:32,250 --> 00:22:34,013
Okay, smiles, everyone.
522
00:22:34,085 --> 00:22:35,609
First day at college.
523
00:22:35,686 --> 00:22:37,347
What's up with these
colors? Shit brown? Really?
524
00:22:37,421 --> 00:22:39,252
Glen picked 'em. Of course he did.
525
00:22:39,323 --> 00:22:40,620
Where'd you find all these people?
526
00:22:40,691 --> 00:22:43,592
Uh, I volunteer at an
English-as-a-second-language program.
527
00:22:43,661 --> 00:22:45,925
These are my students. I told
them if they wanted to pass...
528
00:22:45,997 --> 00:22:47,055
...they'd have to
successfully assimilate...
529
00:22:47,131 --> 00:22:48,564
...into the American
college environment.
530
00:22:48,633 --> 00:22:50,828
Whoa! The parents are here!
531
00:22:51,435 --> 00:22:53,369
Okay! We're on, guys!
532
00:22:53,437 --> 00:22:55,371
Okay, people, it's showtime!
533
00:22:56,340 --> 00:22:57,364
Wow.
534
00:22:57,441 --> 00:22:59,375
No frills around here. Oh, none at all.
535
00:22:59,443 --> 00:23:04,642
None of that, uh, that ivy, or gargoyles,
or mahogany, it's the real deal.
536
00:23:05,383 --> 00:23:06,645
The real deal, huh?
537
00:23:06,717 --> 00:23:07,809
This is it, kid. This is it.
538
00:23:07,885 --> 00:23:09,716
The big moment. Take this in. Ah.
539
00:23:09,787 --> 00:23:11,254
It's exciting, it's scary.
540
00:23:11,322 --> 00:23:14,621
It's really scary. Oh,
look! Oh, it looks great.
541
00:23:15,026 --> 00:23:16,015
Okay.
542
00:23:16,627 --> 00:23:17,685
What's going on here?
543
00:23:17,762 --> 00:23:19,252
Okay, we lost one of the campers.
544
00:23:19,330 --> 00:23:20,558
Curious campers.
545
00:23:20,631 --> 00:23:22,462
What are you doing? Don't
do that. Don't do that.
546
00:23:22,533 --> 00:23:25,263
Honey.
547
00:23:25,336 --> 00:23:27,634
Take it easy. Okay,
here we are. Let's...
548
00:23:28,873 --> 00:23:29,897
What the devil is that? Oh.
549
00:23:29,974 --> 00:23:32,670
That's just a surge
of collegiate energy.
550
00:23:32,743 --> 00:23:34,005
It's college for you.
551
00:23:34,078 --> 00:23:35,909
Take a left up here
for the dorm room, Dad.
552
00:23:35,980 --> 00:23:37,538
Oh, uh, can you hang on a second?
553
00:23:37,615 --> 00:23:40,140
I just really gotta go to the
bathroom a minute, you know.
554
00:23:40,217 --> 00:23:41,741
Oh, Jesus Christ. I just wanna...
555
00:23:41,819 --> 00:23:43,309
No, no, no, no, no!
556
00:23:43,654 --> 00:23:46,020
Uh, it's, that's, it's the men's room.
557
00:23:46,090 --> 00:23:47,489
You can't go in there.
558
00:23:47,558 --> 00:23:48,889
Well, can't you just stand outside...
559
00:23:48,959 --> 00:23:50,756
Diane, can't you wait till
we get to the restaurant?
560
00:23:50,828 --> 00:23:53,160
Hey, I'll see you, Rasheed.
I'll see you in math class.
561
00:23:53,230 --> 00:23:54,527
You owe me 30 bucks, by the way.
562
00:23:54,598 --> 00:23:55,826
You jokester.
563
00:23:55,900 --> 00:23:57,868
Here we are. You remember
Hands. Hey, Mrs. Gaines.
564
00:23:57,935 --> 00:23:59,402
Hey, hi. The fam.
565
00:23:59,470 --> 00:24:00,960
You look great. Well, thank you.
566
00:24:01,038 --> 00:24:02,665
When I first saw it, I was
like, I gotta live here?
567
00:24:02,740 --> 00:24:04,002
I can't believe this.
But it's a dorm room.
568
00:24:04,108 --> 00:24:06,008
Mr. Gaines. Daryl, how are you, partner?
569
00:24:06,077 --> 00:24:07,237
Oh, thunder grip.
570
00:24:07,311 --> 00:24:09,711
Why are there bars on the window?
571
00:24:10,581 --> 00:24:14,312
Oh, that's so nobody
accidentally gets thrown out.
572
00:24:14,385 --> 00:24:16,148
It's fine. It's a good
learning environment.
573
00:24:16,220 --> 00:24:18,211
Not a lot of extras.
You'll study harder.
574
00:24:18,289 --> 00:24:21,190
Yes. We will, because of the
blue and the sparse walls.
575
00:24:21,258 --> 00:24:22,247
I agree with you, sir.
576
00:24:22,326 --> 00:24:23,315
What are these?
577
00:24:23,394 --> 00:24:25,794
That's in case of an earthquake.
578
00:24:25,863 --> 00:24:27,797
Uh, never mind that. Hey,
let's go meet the dean.
579
00:24:27,865 --> 00:24:29,093
Huh? The dean.
580
00:24:29,367 --> 00:24:31,096
Come here, honey. Come on.
581
00:24:33,404 --> 00:24:35,167
Which way? Take a right there, Mom.
582
00:24:35,239 --> 00:24:37,366
It's gonna be fun.
583
00:24:37,441 --> 00:24:39,033
You know, a lot of people say...
584
00:24:39,110 --> 00:24:42,136
...that college is the time
when young men and women...
585
00:24:42,346 --> 00:24:45,338
...expand the way that
they look at their world...
586
00:24:45,416 --> 00:24:48,943
...when they open their minds
to new ideas and experiences...
587
00:24:49,019 --> 00:24:51,510
...and when they begin
that long journey...
588
00:24:51,589 --> 00:24:53,614
...from the innocence of youth...
589
00:24:53,724 --> 00:24:55,919
...to the responsibilities of adulthood.
590
00:24:57,194 --> 00:24:59,685
Now isn't that a load of horseshit?
591
00:25:06,871 --> 00:25:07,929
W
- What?
592
00:25:08,005 --> 00:25:10,132
Could you explain that
to us a little more?
593
00:25:10,207 --> 00:25:12,368
Uh, Dean Lewis, why
don't you tell them...
594
00:25:12,443 --> 00:25:14,741
...a little bit about the
philosophy here at South Harmon?
595
00:25:14,812 --> 00:25:18,543
Look, we throw a lot of fancy
words in front of these kids...
596
00:25:18,616 --> 00:25:20,880
...in order to attract
them to going to school...
597
00:25:20,951 --> 00:25:23,112
...in the belief that they're
gonna have a better life.
598
00:25:23,187 --> 00:25:25,417
And we all know that all we're doing...
599
00:25:25,489 --> 00:25:27,389
...is breeding a whole new generation...
600
00:25:27,458 --> 00:25:28,823
...of buyers and sellers.
601
00:25:28,893 --> 00:25:30,292
Buyers and sellers!
602
00:25:30,361 --> 00:25:32,693
Pimps and whores. Pimps and whores!
603
00:25:32,997 --> 00:25:37,832
And indoctrinating them into a
life-long hell of debt and indecision.
604
00:25:39,537 --> 00:25:41,402
I... Um...
605
00:25:42,006 --> 00:25:43,473
I... I just don't understand.
606
00:25:43,541 --> 00:25:45,975
Do I have to spoon-feed it to you?
607
00:25:46,110 --> 00:25:48,704
Look, there's only one reason...
608
00:25:48,779 --> 00:25:51,270
...that kids want to go to school.
609
00:25:51,348 --> 00:25:52,440
Holy shit.
610
00:26:00,825 --> 00:26:01,814
Which is?
611
00:26:05,663 --> 00:26:07,062
To get a good job.
612
00:26:10,367 --> 00:26:14,269
To get a good job, with
a great starting salary.
613
00:26:22,213 --> 00:26:23,612
I couldn't agree more.
614
00:26:26,283 --> 00:26:29,252
It is so refreshing to have somebody...
615
00:26:29,320 --> 00:26:31,584
...approach education so rationally.
616
00:26:32,089 --> 00:26:33,113
Fuckin' A!
617
00:26:34,592 --> 00:26:36,583
Well, Dad. Ow.
618
00:26:40,831 --> 00:26:41,820
Oh, Mom.
619
00:26:42,600 --> 00:26:44,067
You make us proud, kiddo.
620
00:26:44,134 --> 00:26:45,396
I'll try, Dad.
621
00:26:46,337 --> 00:26:47,998
Don't worry about anything, okay?
622
00:26:48,072 --> 00:26:49,835
Bye, honey. Seat belts.
623
00:26:49,940 --> 00:26:51,271
Spread your wings.
624
00:26:51,342 --> 00:26:53,606
I'm gonna fly. You gotta let me fly.
625
00:26:53,677 --> 00:26:55,201
Bye, Lizzie. Bye!
626
00:26:57,147 --> 00:26:58,136
Bye!
627
00:27:02,887 --> 00:27:04,479
So what do we do now?
628
00:27:04,788 --> 00:27:06,756
Well, my friend, we're in college now.
629
00:27:06,824 --> 00:27:08,052
We can do whatever we want.
630
00:27:08,726 --> 00:27:10,523
Gotta hand it to you, B.
631
00:27:10,594 --> 00:27:12,755
Kids everywhere are busting
their ass in the classroom...
632
00:27:12,830 --> 00:27:14,127
...and we're killing aliens, dude.
633
00:27:14,198 --> 00:27:16,428
This is way better than learning.
We are learning here, pal.
634
00:27:16,500 --> 00:27:19,936
We're learning the dire cost to
civilization when diplomacy fails.
635
00:27:20,004 --> 00:27:21,699
We're learning political
science right now.
636
00:27:23,140 --> 00:27:25,404
What the... What the hell is that?
637
00:27:29,380 --> 00:27:30,472
Who is it?
638
00:27:30,714 --> 00:27:32,682
Abernathy Darwin Dunlap, sir.
639
00:27:34,652 --> 00:27:35,812
Hi, there!
640
00:27:35,886 --> 00:27:36,875
What's your name?
641
00:27:36,954 --> 00:27:38,683
My name's Abernathy Darwin Dunlap.
642
00:27:38,756 --> 00:27:40,189
But you could call me A.D.D...
643
00:27:40,257 --> 00:27:42,521
...on account of the
fact that I have A.D.D...
644
00:27:42,593 --> 00:27:44,185
...which is Attention Deficit
Disorder and you know...
645
00:27:44,261 --> 00:27:47,059
...everyone used to think it was just
an addiction to sugar when I was six...
646
00:27:47,131 --> 00:27:49,725
...and my mom used to cry because
she thought I would never be...
647
00:27:49,800 --> 00:27:51,324
...like, a fully functioning
member of society...
648
00:27:51,402 --> 00:27:53,802
...like my neighbor who
has Legionnaire's Disease.
649
00:27:54,805 --> 00:27:55,794
Oh...
650
00:27:56,807 --> 00:27:59,002
This is no longer a
mental health facility.
651
00:27:59,076 --> 00:28:00,634
I'm so sorry we can't help you.
652
00:28:00,711 --> 00:28:03,271
Good luck to you, pal.
I don't need a hospital!
653
00:28:03,347 --> 00:28:05,713
Okay, okay, wh-wh-what
are you doing here, then?
654
00:28:05,783 --> 00:28:07,216
Well, unless I misread the website...
655
00:28:07,284 --> 00:28:09,218
I'm here for orientation!
656
00:28:10,220 --> 00:28:14,281
Oh, you scared me for a
second. In more ways than one.
657
00:28:14,358 --> 00:28:16,223
Uh, you're looking for Harmon College...
658
00:28:16,293 --> 00:28:17,351
...it's just right on up the hill.
659
00:28:17,428 --> 00:28:18,986
But good luck, have fun. Go, Harmon.
660
00:28:19,063 --> 00:28:22,226
No! I'm looking for South
Harmon Institute of Technology...
661
00:28:22,299 --> 00:28:24,529
...because, well, it's the
only place I got accepted...
662
00:28:24,602 --> 00:28:26,866
...and I'm looking to pursue
my degree in English...
663
00:28:26,937 --> 00:28:30,464
...or law or animal
husbandry or anything really!
664
00:28:30,708 --> 00:28:32,869
Did you just say you got accepted here?
665
00:28:32,943 --> 00:28:34,911
Well, yeah, yeah, yeah, we all did.
666
00:28:34,979 --> 00:28:35,968
What?
667
00:28:53,230 --> 00:28:54,720
Thank you so much!
668
00:29:00,004 --> 00:29:02,734
Oh, God. Holy balls.
669
00:29:03,907 --> 00:29:04,999
I'm sorry.
670
00:29:05,242 --> 00:29:06,504
Move, fool.
671
00:29:07,845 --> 00:29:10,712
Oh, look, there's my old
girlfriend, Sara Pelfan.
672
00:29:12,316 --> 00:29:14,045
You broke my heart!
673
00:29:17,287 --> 00:29:18,447
Please.
674
00:29:20,858 --> 00:29:23,588
Oh, uh, sorry, sorry. No
parents allowed past this point.
675
00:29:23,661 --> 00:29:25,595
It's part of our philosophy
here at South Harmon.
676
00:29:25,663 --> 00:29:26,994
We need to mold your
kids into individuals...
677
00:29:27,064 --> 00:29:28,156
...and the first step is to...
678
00:29:28,232 --> 00:29:30,325
...sever the ties of the
parent-child relationship.
679
00:29:30,401 --> 00:29:31,698
Take him.
680
00:29:31,769 --> 00:29:33,327
We're just glad Larry got in someplace.
681
00:29:33,404 --> 00:29:34,735
He's your problem now.
682
00:29:36,340 --> 00:29:38,171
Bye, hon. No biting!
683
00:29:38,242 --> 00:29:39,368
Hey, Larry.
684
00:29:39,677 --> 00:29:41,440
Okay, good talk. Go on in there.
685
00:29:41,512 --> 00:29:43,139
You're gonna fit right
in, Larry. Unfortunately.
686
00:29:43,213 --> 00:29:44,305
What are we gonna do?
687
00:29:44,381 --> 00:29:45,712
This is supposed to be a secret.
688
00:29:45,783 --> 00:29:46,943
Yeah, well, I guess the secret's out.
689
00:29:47,017 --> 00:29:49,451
You go check the P.O. Box, I'm
gonna go find Schrader, okay?
690
00:29:57,761 --> 00:30:00,753
Hey, pledge guy,
welcome to B.K.E. House.
691
00:30:00,831 --> 00:30:02,560
Can I take your blazer for you?
692
00:30:02,633 --> 00:30:04,260
Get in there, your
future is right in there.
693
00:30:04,334 --> 00:30:06,097
Thank you. All right.
694
00:30:12,743 --> 00:30:13,767
Oh, shit.
695
00:30:13,844 --> 00:30:16,176
Oh, my gosh. I'm so sorry. Sorry.
696
00:30:16,680 --> 00:30:19,274
Bartleby. Hey, how are
you? Hey, how you doing?
697
00:30:19,349 --> 00:30:20,577
Good. I'm so sorry about your jacket.
698
00:30:20,651 --> 00:30:23,119
Dude, don't worry about it.
It's... It's not even my jacket.
699
00:30:23,187 --> 00:30:25,382
Perfect. So, what are you doing here?
700
00:30:25,456 --> 00:30:27,686
I'm, I'm looking for Schrader,
actually. Have you seen him?
701
00:30:27,791 --> 00:30:29,691
Uh, no, I haven't.
702
00:30:29,760 --> 00:30:31,591
Hey, I'm Sherman Schrader.
703
00:30:33,497 --> 00:30:35,124
I'll catch up with you.
704
00:30:37,401 --> 00:30:38,390
Hey.
705
00:30:39,470 --> 00:30:42,439
I'm Sherman Schrader. Okay.
706
00:30:44,842 --> 00:30:46,707
This is fun. I'm just gonna hang back...
707
00:30:46,777 --> 00:30:49,075
...while you guys shoot
around and stuff, you know.
708
00:30:49,146 --> 00:30:50,613
Oh, shit.
709
00:30:50,681 --> 00:30:51,670
I got it.
710
00:30:58,188 --> 00:31:00,986
Oh. That's a... It's a G chord.
711
00:31:01,525 --> 00:31:04,187
I used to play in a
Cranberries tribute band.
712
00:31:04,394 --> 00:31:06,225
Uh, we disbanded.
713
00:31:06,296 --> 00:31:08,856
Hey, you're Sherman Schrader. Yeah.
714
00:31:08,932 --> 00:31:10,866
Hoyt Ambrose. Yes, right. I know.
715
00:31:10,934 --> 00:31:13,869
Yes. You are the president
of this whole fraternity.
716
00:31:13,937 --> 00:31:15,905
That's right. Right.
You date Monica Moreland.
717
00:31:15,973 --> 00:31:17,235
That I do. Right.
718
00:31:17,307 --> 00:31:19,036
I think about her when I masturbate.
719
00:31:24,615 --> 00:31:26,207
What? What?
720
00:31:28,652 --> 00:31:31,018
I didn't mean to say that.
721
00:31:31,255 --> 00:31:35,157
Yeah. So, uh, Sherman's father pledged
alongside my father back in the day.
722
00:31:35,225 --> 00:31:36,453
Oh, so you're the legacy.
723
00:31:36,527 --> 00:31:38,495
That's right. Legacy!
724
00:31:41,365 --> 00:31:43,424
You need... You probably
need this to play, actually.
725
00:31:43,500 --> 00:31:44,967
Was it here?
726
00:31:45,035 --> 00:31:46,764
Uh, was it there? Was it...
727
00:31:46,837 --> 00:31:49,271
So... So do you go to
school here now, or...
728
00:31:49,339 --> 00:31:51,739
I don't. Uh, I go to South Harmon.
729
00:31:51,809 --> 00:31:53,003
Did you say South Harmon?
730
00:31:53,076 --> 00:31:54,338
Yes, I did.
731
00:31:54,411 --> 00:31:55,571
Oh, what's that? Hmm?
732
00:31:55,646 --> 00:31:57,341
Wha-What's South Harmon?
733
00:31:57,414 --> 00:31:59,439
South Harmon is... It's a college...
734
00:31:59,516 --> 00:32:01,916
...just a very small
college. Teeny, tiny college.
735
00:32:01,985 --> 00:32:03,714
That's great. Well,
congratulations to you. Thank you.
736
00:32:03,787 --> 00:32:05,584
Hey, sweetie. Hey!
737
00:32:05,656 --> 00:32:07,089
Oh, my gosh, I was so excited for you...
738
00:32:07,157 --> 00:32:09,284
Actually, can you just give
me just one sec, okay? Thanks.
739
00:32:09,359 --> 00:32:12,021
Hey, winner, Hoyt Ambrose.
740
00:32:12,362 --> 00:32:14,091
Floyd Pambrose.
741
00:32:14,164 --> 00:32:16,564
That's weird. Our names rhyme.
742
00:32:16,633 --> 00:32:18,100
Yeah, that is pretty weird.
743
00:32:18,168 --> 00:32:19,795
That's kind of crazy. Welcome to B.K.E.
744
00:32:19,870 --> 00:32:21,895
Thanks. It's great. I love it here.
745
00:32:21,972 --> 00:32:23,803
All the sexually repressed energy. Oh.
746
00:32:23,874 --> 00:32:26,240
I love it. A lot of anti-Semitism,
but under the rug, you know.
747
00:32:26,310 --> 00:32:28,301
I like it, I like the way
you handle your business.
748
00:32:28,378 --> 00:32:29,538
Thanks. Thanks a lot.
749
00:32:29,613 --> 00:32:31,774
Well, hey, why don't you just
hang around and meet some guys?
750
00:32:31,849 --> 00:32:33,441
Oh, no, thanks, man, I'm not into guys.
751
00:32:33,517 --> 00:32:36,611
I totally respect your lifestyle
choice, though. And good luck with it.
752
00:32:36,787 --> 00:32:38,652
Your parents probably
don't get it, but I do.
753
00:32:38,722 --> 00:32:41,691
I'll see you later, Monica.
Bye. It was good to see you.
754
00:32:41,758 --> 00:32:43,817
I'll see you later, Thor. I mean Dirk.
755
00:32:43,894 --> 00:32:46,021
Uh, I mean Trent. Sorry, Troy.
756
00:32:46,763 --> 00:32:48,526
Whoop, sorry, Goldie.
757
00:32:51,068 --> 00:32:53,093
Schrader, where you been? I've
been calling you for half an hour.
758
00:32:53,170 --> 00:32:55,035
What the hell, man? I'm
in the middle of rush.
759
00:32:55,105 --> 00:32:57,335
I don't care, man. I
got a situation goin' on.
760
00:32:57,407 --> 00:32:58,897
This is huge for me, all right?
761
00:32:58,976 --> 00:33:00,876
You can't be here right
now. Okay, okay, okay.
762
00:33:00,944 --> 00:33:03,105
Remember that time we had to
steal my mom's birth control pills?
763
00:33:03,180 --> 00:33:05,671
Yeah, and then Lizzie was
born. It's worse than that.
764
00:33:06,216 --> 00:33:07,148
Where did these people come from?
765
00:33:07,217 --> 00:33:09,947
Oh, from the chaos catalog.
They were going out of business.
766
00:33:10,020 --> 00:33:11,647
What is happening? I'll
tell you what's happening.
767
00:33:11,722 --> 00:33:14,589
I told you to make the website
look legitimate, not functional.
768
00:33:14,658 --> 00:33:16,990
Hey, you wanted to fool your
dad. And the guy's not an idiot.
769
00:33:17,060 --> 00:33:20,291
And, also, it was your idea to put
"Acceptance is just one click away. "
770
00:33:20,364 --> 00:33:23,731
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Put it as one click
away, you don't make it clickable.
771
00:33:24,668 --> 00:33:26,795
Oh, my... Holy shit.
772
00:33:26,904 --> 00:33:27,893
Yeah.
773
00:33:27,971 --> 00:33:30,064
They all paid first semester's tuition?
774
00:33:30,140 --> 00:33:31,971
Oh, yeah. 10,000 bucks apiece.
775
00:33:32,042 --> 00:33:34,272
I stopped counting after
the first 100 checks.
776
00:33:34,344 --> 00:33:36,369
That's $74,000,000.
777
00:33:37,547 --> 00:33:39,174
It's $1,000,000, Glen.
778
00:33:39,249 --> 00:33:41,114
Yeah. In human dollars.
779
00:33:41,184 --> 00:33:43,652
Okay, okay, okay. We gotta do something.
780
00:33:43,720 --> 00:33:46,382
Hey, don't look at me. Ask
one of the founding fathers.
781
00:33:46,456 --> 00:33:47,445
B?
782
00:33:47,991 --> 00:33:49,686
This isn't my deal, man.
783
00:33:49,760 --> 00:33:52,957
I told you this was a
bad idea from the get-go.
784
00:33:53,030 --> 00:33:54,019
True.
785
00:33:54,998 --> 00:33:57,159
We could have a Battle Royale.
786
00:33:58,669 --> 00:34:00,398
Wow. What is that?
787
00:34:01,405 --> 00:34:05,205
B, you gotta tell
these people to go home.
788
00:34:05,442 --> 00:34:06,932
You are absolutely right, my friend.
789
00:34:07,010 --> 00:34:08,443
I started this, I'm gonna finish it.
790
00:34:08,512 --> 00:34:09,604
Thank you.
791
00:34:16,586 --> 00:34:17,575
Go.
792
00:34:24,561 --> 00:34:26,392
Hey. Hey, Glen!
793
00:34:28,465 --> 00:34:29,659
All right.
794
00:34:34,838 --> 00:34:36,635
Sorry. Sorry, sorry.
795
00:34:36,873 --> 00:34:38,841
Excuse me. I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, everybody.
796
00:34:38,909 --> 00:34:40,809
Can I... Can I just get your
attention for one minute?
797
00:34:40,877 --> 00:34:43,277
Um, yeah, I'll be taking
questions in a minute.
798
00:34:43,347 --> 00:34:45,178
Just give me one second,
please. Hold on. All right.
799
00:34:45,248 --> 00:34:46,772
Who the hell are you?
800
00:34:48,318 --> 00:34:50,252
Ah-ah. Okay.
801
00:34:50,320 --> 00:34:51,685
That's a good question. Thank you.
802
00:34:51,755 --> 00:34:53,655
My name's Bartleby. Hello.
803
00:34:53,724 --> 00:34:55,988
Um, Gaines, for what it's worth.
804
00:34:56,059 --> 00:34:58,027
And, um, you know on the
website how it said...
805
00:34:58,095 --> 00:35:00,154
"Acceptance is just one click away"?
806
00:35:00,230 --> 00:35:01,322
Do you remember that?
807
00:35:01,398 --> 00:35:02,695
We had intended... Hold on.
808
00:35:02,766 --> 00:35:05,496
We added that because
we were... Aw, shit.
809
00:35:06,036 --> 00:35:08,903
Yeah, okay, what... I'm sorry.
What... What... What do you want?
810
00:35:08,972 --> 00:35:10,803
When I got accepted here...
811
00:35:10,874 --> 00:35:14,002
...it was the first time my parents
ever said they were proud of me!
812
00:35:27,257 --> 00:35:30,090
That's cool. Um, that's cool, man.
813
00:35:35,032 --> 00:35:38,832
Hey, uh, just show of hands, how
many people applied to other colleges?
814
00:35:40,170 --> 00:35:42,070
Everybody. Uh, okay.
815
00:35:42,272 --> 00:35:45,366
And how many of you got in to
the other places you applied to?
816
00:35:53,083 --> 00:35:54,141
Nobody.
817
00:35:54,217 --> 00:35:55,946
Nobody got in anywhere else?
818
00:35:58,288 --> 00:36:00,950
And you know what? I didn't, either.
819
00:36:01,024 --> 00:36:02,582
I didn't get into a real college.
820
00:36:02,659 --> 00:36:04,524
A really, really good college.
821
00:36:05,729 --> 00:36:08,061
I know what it's like
to be rejected. It sucks.
822
00:36:08,131 --> 00:36:09,928
Rejection blows. Being said no to.
823
00:36:10,000 --> 00:36:11,729
You know what, I'm sorry, you're
just not quite good enough.
824
00:36:11,802 --> 00:36:13,030
You didn't have enough extracurriculars.
825
00:36:13,103 --> 00:36:14,195
You didn't play enough tennis.
826
00:36:14,271 --> 00:36:16,796
You didn't study hard enough for your
scores. So you're not gonna make it.
827
00:36:16,873 --> 00:36:18,670
You know what? Screw that!
828
00:36:18,742 --> 00:36:19,834
What's he doing?
829
00:36:19,910 --> 00:36:21,036
I think he's winging it.
830
00:36:21,111 --> 00:36:23,671
Shouldn't we all have the
chance to be said yes to?
831
00:36:23,747 --> 00:36:27,012
At South Harmon, we say yes to you!
832
00:36:27,084 --> 00:36:29,177
We say yes to your hopes.
833
00:36:29,252 --> 00:36:31,152
We say yes to your dreams.
834
00:36:31,221 --> 00:36:33,883
We say yes to your flaws! So welcome!
835
00:36:33,957 --> 00:36:35,390
Grab a room, grab a friend...
836
00:36:35,459 --> 00:36:36,983
...grab yourself, we don't give a shit.
837
00:36:37,060 --> 00:36:39,790
Welcome to South Harmon
Institute of Technology!
838
00:36:43,233 --> 00:36:44,393
Oh, man.
839
00:36:44,468 --> 00:36:46,197
And welcome to S.H.I.T.!
840
00:36:46,369 --> 00:36:48,200
You! I love you!
841
00:37:04,821 --> 00:37:05,845
What are you doing?
842
00:37:06,323 --> 00:37:08,018
Do you realize how stupid this is?
843
00:37:08,091 --> 00:37:10,150
You invited everyone to a
college that doesn't exist.
844
00:37:10,227 --> 00:37:12,787
I... I just couldn't do it,
okay? You saw their faces.
845
00:37:12,863 --> 00:37:14,091
They got rejected from everywhere.
846
00:37:14,164 --> 00:37:16,962
What... What kind of message does that
send if I reject them from my college?
847
00:37:17,033 --> 00:37:18,660
You don't have a college!
848
00:37:18,735 --> 00:37:19,997
Hey, hey, hey, where's the bookstore?
849
00:37:20,070 --> 00:37:21,059
Oh, we have a deal with Amazon.
850
00:37:21,138 --> 00:37:22,435
You just buy 'em with a credit card.
851
00:37:22,506 --> 00:37:23,598
When do we sign up for classes?
852
00:37:23,673 --> 00:37:25,140
Uh, we extended
orientation. You're fine.
853
00:37:25,208 --> 00:37:27,108
Hey, man, where the heck
do we eat around here?
854
00:37:27,177 --> 00:37:28,906
Uh, Glen, uh, 300 pizzas. Order them.
855
00:37:28,979 --> 00:37:30,970
18 pizza pockets. What? No, no, no. 3...
856
00:37:31,047 --> 00:37:33,607
Hey, who do I give
my intuition money to?
857
00:37:33,984 --> 00:37:37,476
Who? What? Me, I guess.
858
00:37:38,088 --> 00:37:40,784
I'm done fishing singles
out of my G-string.
859
00:37:40,857 --> 00:37:43,291
I'm a college girl now! Aw, yeah.
860
00:37:43,360 --> 00:37:44,520
Wow.
861
00:37:44,694 --> 00:37:48,130
Uh, B, hey, uh, you just
started a fictional college.
862
00:37:48,198 --> 00:37:49,563
Oh, God. Yeah, yeah, okay.
863
00:37:49,633 --> 00:37:50,861
Hey, do you guys have a swim team here?
864
00:37:50,934 --> 00:37:53,232
Yes, you know what? This is Hands
Holloway. He's the Athletic Director.
865
00:37:53,303 --> 00:37:55,828
He can help you with anything you
need to know. I can't do it right now.
866
00:37:55,906 --> 00:37:57,203
Thank you, though, thank you, I'm sorry.
867
00:37:57,274 --> 00:38:00,266
Uh, you guys, what are we gonna do
now? I just need a minute to think.
868
00:38:01,111 --> 00:38:03,170
What? What the... Holy shit!
869
00:38:08,084 --> 00:38:10,882
Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Tex!
870
00:38:10,954 --> 00:38:12,683
What the hell are you guys doing?
871
00:38:12,756 --> 00:38:14,621
What do you mean? We're
makin' the room bigger!
872
00:38:14,691 --> 00:38:17,421
Yeah, Thorgeous, but this is my room.
873
00:38:17,494 --> 00:38:20,463
Who's in charge of room
assignments around here, anyway?
874
00:38:20,530 --> 00:38:22,122
Guys, I'd like you to meet Rory.
875
00:38:22,199 --> 00:38:25,134
She is the resident
S.H.I.T. room assignmenter.
876
00:38:25,202 --> 00:38:27,102
And she'll be more than happy
to help you out with that. Okay?
877
00:38:27,170 --> 00:38:30,298
Okay, uh, I... I guess
I'll show you your rooms.
878
00:38:30,373 --> 00:38:31,670
Follow me. Thanks.
879
00:38:31,741 --> 00:38:33,038
Sorry about the wall.
880
00:38:33,109 --> 00:38:34,201
Oh, it's fine. Don't
worry about it, man.
881
00:38:34,277 --> 00:38:35,801
It happens all the time. No problem.
882
00:38:35,879 --> 00:38:37,471
Yeah, well, we actually
do have a problem...
883
00:38:37,547 --> 00:38:39,014
...because you don't
know how to run a college.
884
00:38:39,082 --> 00:38:40,310
It's fine. It's okay. It's fine.
885
00:38:40,383 --> 00:38:42,874
We'll just relax, get some sleep,
we'll regroup tomorrow morning.
886
00:38:42,953 --> 00:38:44,250
It will be totally calm.
887
00:38:53,964 --> 00:38:57,365
Ahoy! Scallywags and scally-ladies.
888
00:39:02,973 --> 00:39:05,271
Okay, dude, B, I'm
with you on this, I am.
889
00:39:05,342 --> 00:39:08,106
But we need a plan,
dude. We need a plan now.
890
00:39:08,178 --> 00:39:10,237
I know. I know. I...
I... I... I'm processing.
891
00:39:13,750 --> 00:39:15,047
You're gonna need to process faster.
892
00:39:16,653 --> 00:39:19,588
What is... Why are the...
Find out what's going on.
893
00:39:19,756 --> 00:39:21,883
- Yo!
- Ah, there's my college man.
894
00:39:21,958 --> 00:39:23,255
How you doin', kid?
895
00:39:23,326 --> 00:39:25,487
Dad, now is not the...
The... the best time to talk.
896
00:39:25,562 --> 00:39:26,586
Hang on, let me get your mother.
897
00:39:26,663 --> 00:39:28,096
Can I have this? Come
here, let me talk to you.
898
00:39:28,164 --> 00:39:31,361
Diane, pick up! Honey! Is it you?
899
00:39:31,434 --> 00:39:32,696
Stop yellin' in the damn phone.
900
00:39:32,769 --> 00:39:35,533
Oh, it feels like ages
since we've spoken to you.
901
00:39:35,639 --> 00:39:37,072
How's school so far?
902
00:39:37,140 --> 00:39:39,165
Oh, it's going great.
It's going really...
903
00:39:39,242 --> 00:39:41,335
Hey, someone here order two dozen kegs?
904
00:39:41,411 --> 00:39:44,107
The... The... The old guy
with the hat, playing craps.
905
00:39:44,180 --> 00:39:45,408
What the hell was that?
906
00:39:45,482 --> 00:39:47,279
Sounded like he said
something about two dozen kegs.
907
00:39:47,350 --> 00:39:49,181
Bartleby, are you
experimenting with alcohol?
908
00:39:49,252 --> 00:39:50,844
Aw, no, no, no. He said
two dozen eggs, Mom.
909
00:39:50,920 --> 00:39:52,751
You misunderstood. Two dozen eggs.
910
00:39:52,822 --> 00:39:54,050
What took you so long?
911
00:39:54,124 --> 00:39:55,989
I've been building a thirst over there!
912
00:39:56,059 --> 00:39:58,653
Hey, listen, I'm not paying for
you to be making omelets up there.
913
00:39:58,728 --> 00:40:00,320
Tell me what classes you're taking.
914
00:40:00,397 --> 00:40:01,386
Classes?
915
00:40:01,698 --> 00:40:03,495
Uh, right. I'm taking...
916
00:40:04,934 --> 00:40:06,060
Statistics.
917
00:40:06,269 --> 00:40:08,430
And, uh, business...
918
00:40:09,506 --> 00:40:11,167
...and anatomy.
919
00:40:11,241 --> 00:40:13,038
- Anatomy?
- Anatomy?
920
00:40:13,143 --> 00:40:14,371
Thanks, dude.
921
00:40:14,544 --> 00:40:15,670
Bartleby, Bartleby!
922
00:40:15,745 --> 00:40:16,734
Yeah!
923
00:40:20,250 --> 00:40:22,844
Hey. I always wanted to go to college.
924
00:40:22,919 --> 00:40:24,580
Couldn't get in anywhere, though...
925
00:40:24,654 --> 00:40:25,882
'cause I was in the military.
926
00:40:25,955 --> 00:40:26,979
Oh. Beverage ops.
927
00:40:27,057 --> 00:40:29,218
I was snooping around,
saw something secretive.
928
00:40:29,292 --> 00:40:30,953
Next thing I know CIA swoops in...
929
00:40:31,027 --> 00:40:32,858
...does this whole
brain-scramble thing.
930
00:40:32,929 --> 00:40:33,918
Now I can't remember anything.
931
00:40:33,997 --> 00:40:35,589
So do you have room
at the college for me?
932
00:40:35,665 --> 00:40:38,691
You know what, we already
started the semester, I'm sorry.
933
00:40:38,768 --> 00:40:40,429
That's cool, man. Yeah.
934
00:40:40,503 --> 00:40:42,403
It's just I... I got my GI Bill...
935
00:40:42,472 --> 00:40:44,736
...and I can pay you all
four years in advance.
936
00:40:44,808 --> 00:40:47,436
Okay, you're in. Yeah!
937
00:40:47,510 --> 00:40:49,501
Yeah, welcome to
South Harmon. Whoo-hoo!
938
00:40:51,014 --> 00:40:52,242
How's the processing?
939
00:40:53,616 --> 00:40:56,084
I just have to figure this
whole college thing out.
940
00:41:01,558 --> 00:41:04,686
Here at Harmon College, we
offer a highly structured...
941
00:41:04,761 --> 00:41:08,754
...time-tested curriculum carefully
designed to stimulate the young mind.
942
00:41:08,865 --> 00:41:12,028
So, Mr. Gaines, you're
thinking about transferring?
943
00:41:12,102 --> 00:41:13,262
I don't know about transferring.
944
00:41:13,336 --> 00:41:14,928
My life is kind of, like,
a little weird right now.
945
00:41:15,004 --> 00:41:16,528
But I just kind of want to figure out...
946
00:41:16,606 --> 00:41:18,164
...what all this is all about.
947
00:41:18,241 --> 00:41:19,333
Sorry.
948
00:41:19,409 --> 00:41:22,674
A
- And what college are you attending right now? Sorry?
949
00:41:22,746 --> 00:41:25,340
The college that you're... Oh,
it's down there. By the thing.
950
00:41:25,415 --> 00:41:26,473
Pardon me?
951
00:41:26,549 --> 00:41:29,382
I'd like to look around, if
that's okay. Uh, that's fine.
952
00:41:29,452 --> 00:41:30,578
If that's what you'd like to do.
953
00:41:30,653 --> 00:41:33,144
Thank you. It was... It was,
uh, it was great to meet you.
954
00:41:33,223 --> 00:41:34,212
Oh, shit. Sorry.
955
00:41:34,290 --> 00:41:37,020
That's all right. No. You know
what? Leave them, leave them alone.
956
00:41:37,093 --> 00:41:38,958
Leave it, leave them alone.
957
00:41:39,028 --> 00:41:40,427
And go on and take your tour, okay?
958
00:41:41,998 --> 00:41:45,331
A single rate of income
tax eliminates loopholes...
959
00:41:45,402 --> 00:41:47,393
...allowances and exemptions...
960
00:41:47,470 --> 00:41:49,631
...as well as encourages payments...
961
00:41:49,706 --> 00:41:51,765
...through use of low interest rates...
962
00:41:51,841 --> 00:41:53,399
...which theoretically would cause...
963
00:41:53,476 --> 00:41:54,568
...an economic boom.
964
00:41:54,644 --> 00:41:57,943
Now if you would refer
back... Aw, shit. I'm sorry.
965
00:42:01,618 --> 00:42:03,347
So theoretically what
I was saying was...
966
00:42:03,420 --> 00:42:04,478
This guy's pretty boring.
967
00:42:04,554 --> 00:42:06,385
Don't talk to me, man! Right,
this is gonna be on the midterm.
968
00:42:06,456 --> 00:42:08,014
And my whole life is riding
on an A in this class.
969
00:42:13,329 --> 00:42:14,694
This guy's... EBITA!
970
00:42:14,764 --> 00:42:15,822
What?
971
00:42:15,899 --> 00:42:18,697
Earnings Before Interest,
Taxes and Amortization.
972
00:42:21,738 --> 00:42:23,069
Good afternoon, students...
973
00:42:23,139 --> 00:42:25,073
...and welcome, everyone
in the spillover class.
974
00:42:25,141 --> 00:42:26,301
What the... What is this?
975
00:42:26,376 --> 00:42:29,140
We'll begin today's lecture...
976
00:42:35,118 --> 00:42:37,586
Okay, great, yeah. I'll see
you in the library at 8:00.
977
00:42:37,654 --> 00:42:39,679
And I'll bring my notes.
Okay, see you then.
978
00:42:39,756 --> 00:42:41,223
Bye, Monica.
979
00:42:46,796 --> 00:42:49,162
Monica. Hey.
980
00:42:49,232 --> 00:42:51,996
Bartleby. Hey, what, are
you stalking me or something?
981
00:42:52,068 --> 00:42:53,057
Stalking's an ugly word.
982
00:42:53,136 --> 00:42:55,832
I like to think of it more
like obsessively shadowing. Oh.
983
00:42:55,905 --> 00:42:58,203
I'm thinking about going here,
so I'm checking out the classes.
984
00:42:58,274 --> 00:43:00,606
Really? Yeah. Do you
like all your classes?
985
00:43:00,677 --> 00:43:02,702
Yeah. I mean, well, I'm
taking a bunch of classes...
986
00:43:02,779 --> 00:43:04,178
...that I don't really care about.
987
00:43:04,247 --> 00:43:06,238
There was this one, though,
that I was dying to take.
988
00:43:06,316 --> 00:43:08,614
But, um, I ended up not being
able to. But, you know, it's okay.
989
00:43:08,685 --> 00:43:10,118
What was that one that
you wanted to take?
990
00:43:10,186 --> 00:43:13,644
Uh, ph-photography.
It's... Really? That's cool.
991
00:43:13,990 --> 00:43:15,582
Yeah. What was the problem?
992
00:43:15,658 --> 00:43:18,286
Well, see, there's this,
um, photojournalism class...
993
00:43:18,361 --> 00:43:20,158
...but they said it's
only for journalism majors.
994
00:43:20,230 --> 00:43:21,891
And then there's this
art photography class...
995
00:43:21,965 --> 00:43:23,557
...but they said it's
for fine arts majors.
996
00:43:23,633 --> 00:43:26,966
So my advisor said it would be best
not to take either one, or something...
997
00:43:27,036 --> 00:43:28,936
...because certain
photography classes...
998
00:43:29,005 --> 00:43:31,337
...don't apply to a
degree in photography.
999
00:43:31,708 --> 00:43:33,676
Wow, that makes, that
makes no sense at all.
1000
00:43:33,743 --> 00:43:36,143
I know. Um, but I'm really sorry.
1001
00:43:36,212 --> 00:43:38,703
I gotta go, I'm gonna be late for
my Ancient Roman History class.
1002
00:43:38,781 --> 00:43:41,579
It was good seeing you. Bye. Okay. Bye.
1003
00:43:42,719 --> 00:43:44,118
Hey, uh...
1004
00:43:49,025 --> 00:43:51,516
I'm... I'm just saying, I
mean, is that what college is?
1005
00:43:51,594 --> 00:43:54,222
What were you expecting? A
renaissance of the human spirit?
1006
00:43:54,297 --> 00:43:56,595
American education is in the shitter.
1007
00:43:56,666 --> 00:43:57,826
You know why?
1008
00:43:57,901 --> 00:44:00,995
Because people forget
the most important rule.
1009
00:44:01,237 --> 00:44:03,899
College is a service industry.
1010
00:44:04,240 --> 00:44:05,298
A service industry?
1011
00:44:05,375 --> 00:44:09,106
As in "serve us," as opposed
to the other way around.
1012
00:44:09,178 --> 00:44:11,237
Look, you see all these kids out here?
1013
00:44:11,314 --> 00:44:12,838
They all paid to come here.
1014
00:44:12,916 --> 00:44:14,679
Right. They all paid for an experience.
1015
00:44:14,751 --> 00:44:16,218
What kind of experience?
1016
00:44:16,286 --> 00:44:18,777
The hell if I know. I'm
not a goddamn mind reader.
1017
00:44:19,455 --> 00:44:21,150
Well, maybe I should just ask them.
1018
00:44:21,291 --> 00:44:23,156
Welcome to the conversation.
1019
00:44:23,226 --> 00:44:24,955
What do I want to learn?
1020
00:44:26,129 --> 00:44:27,528
Why are you asking me?
1021
00:44:27,597 --> 00:44:29,656
Well, I'm asking you, Glen,
because I have a hunch...
1022
00:44:29,732 --> 00:44:31,563
...that no one's ever really
asked you that before. Yeah?
1023
00:44:31,634 --> 00:44:34,831
Well, I like pancakes and
alfalfa sprouts and lemonade.
1024
00:44:34,938 --> 00:44:37,429
Okay, you know what, let's appropriate
the bulk of this man's tuition...
1025
00:44:37,507 --> 00:44:38,974
...to learning more
about the culinary arts.
1026
00:44:39,042 --> 00:44:40,202
Huh? Food.
1027
00:44:40,276 --> 00:44:41,538
All right. All right.
1028
00:44:41,611 --> 00:44:42,839
Rory. What about you?
1029
00:44:42,912 --> 00:44:45,540
Ever since nursery school,
every single waking moment...
1030
00:44:45,615 --> 00:44:47,606
...of every single
day has been scheduled.
1031
00:44:47,684 --> 00:44:49,379
So what do I want to do?
1032
00:44:50,253 --> 00:44:51,242
Nothing.
1033
00:44:51,588 --> 00:44:54,386
Cheap, zen, beautiful. I like
it. Hands, what about you?
1034
00:44:54,457 --> 00:44:56,982
Summer camp I made a paperweight
and won Camp Nagachewy's...
1035
00:44:57,060 --> 00:45:00,052
...coveted woodcarving
award and next day...
1036
00:45:00,129 --> 00:45:02,222
...ran a 4.6 forty and it's
been football ever since.
1037
00:45:02,298 --> 00:45:05,062
Mmm. Woodcarving, sculpting.
Good, something with your hands.
1038
00:45:05,134 --> 00:45:06,192
Well, there may be something in there.
1039
00:45:06,269 --> 00:45:09,329
You can think about that, and
then get back to me. All right?
1040
00:45:09,405 --> 00:45:12,135
Schrader, what about you? Well,
B, I'm glad you asked, actually.
1041
00:45:12,208 --> 00:45:13,573
'Cause since we're going to prison...
1042
00:45:13,643 --> 00:45:16,009
I'm gonna learn how to carve
a shank out of my toothbrush.
1043
00:45:16,079 --> 00:45:18,013
Okay, ha-ha. I'll tell
you something, though.
1044
00:45:18,081 --> 00:45:19,946
All our lives we've
been told what to learn.
1045
00:45:20,016 --> 00:45:22,211
Well, today the tide is
gonna turn, my friend.
1046
00:45:22,285 --> 00:45:24,014
Because today we're
gonna ask the customer.
1047
00:45:24,087 --> 00:45:26,146
What do I want to learn?
What do I want to learn?
1048
00:45:26,222 --> 00:45:27,553
What am I interested in studying?
1049
00:45:27,624 --> 00:45:28,613
Huh? What?
1050
00:45:28,691 --> 00:45:30,249
W
- What? Come again.
1051
00:45:30,326 --> 00:45:32,089
That's a good question.
No, really, come again.
1052
00:45:32,161 --> 00:45:33,992
I thought you were supposed to tell us.
1053
00:45:34,063 --> 00:45:35,621
Please come again!
1054
00:45:35,865 --> 00:45:36,923
I want to meet girls.
1055
00:45:37,000 --> 00:45:38,024
Girls. Girls.
1056
00:45:38,101 --> 00:45:41,161
Some girls! Uh, girls.
1057
00:45:41,237 --> 00:45:42,397
I wanna rock!
1058
00:45:43,539 --> 00:45:44,631
You know, and roll.
1059
00:45:44,707 --> 00:45:46,538
Well, as you can probably
tell at this point...
1060
00:45:46,609 --> 00:45:48,406
...is that I really want to
learn how to slow things down.
1061
00:45:48,478 --> 00:45:50,173
More speed. More vert.
1062
00:45:50,246 --> 00:45:52,146
Maybe something with clothes, you know?
1063
00:45:52,215 --> 00:45:53,648
Putting them on, taking them off.
1064
00:45:53,716 --> 00:45:56,082
I'm really good at that
part. You wanna see?
1065
00:45:56,152 --> 00:45:59,144
I want to learn how to
blow shit up with my mind.
1066
00:46:00,523 --> 00:46:03,458
Okay. Well, write it on the board.
1067
00:46:05,028 --> 00:46:06,017
Go ahead.
1068
00:46:09,599 --> 00:46:12,591
Okay, thanks. Okay.
1069
00:46:14,303 --> 00:46:15,998
All right. Thank you, smiley.
1070
00:46:16,072 --> 00:46:18,006
Pleasure doing business with you.
1071
00:46:18,074 --> 00:46:19,234
Yeah, buddy.
1072
00:46:26,182 --> 00:46:28,650
Taxes? I'll tell you
about that nonsense.
1073
00:46:28,718 --> 00:46:30,652
If you're rich, the
government'll protect...
1074
00:46:30,720 --> 00:46:32,551
...every buck you make
and every shit you take.
1075
00:46:35,458 --> 00:46:37,858
Kiki Dee. Got a job for you, kid.
1076
00:46:37,927 --> 00:46:39,952
New school colors and
logo. You're in charge.
1077
00:46:40,029 --> 00:46:41,724
Really? Don't screw it up.
1078
00:46:41,798 --> 00:46:45,165
I won't screw it up, I...
I won't screw anything...
1079
00:47:10,226 --> 00:47:11,386
What are you?
1080
00:47:42,492 --> 00:47:45,552
Health insurance, my ass.
They don't pay for shit!
1081
00:47:45,628 --> 00:47:49,155
You get sick on a Friday, they only
pay for Monday through Thursday.
1082
00:47:49,232 --> 00:47:52,395
You go to Dr. A, they
only pay for Dr. B.
1083
00:47:52,468 --> 00:47:55,403
You break your penis,
they only fix vaginas.
1084
00:47:55,638 --> 00:47:57,538
You mind if I join you?
1085
00:48:00,943 --> 00:48:04,037
Ah, cool. Awesome. Thank
you, that was great!
1086
00:48:04,113 --> 00:48:05,671
I'll see you guys later. Okay, bye.
1087
00:48:05,982 --> 00:48:07,813
That's pretty, uh...
1088
00:48:08,251 --> 00:48:09,582
I know, right?
1089
00:48:09,652 --> 00:48:11,779
That's African fertility sculpture.
1090
00:48:11,854 --> 00:48:13,651
It's beautiful. It's beautiful.
1091
00:48:17,126 --> 00:48:18,286
The wood speaks to me.
1092
00:48:18,361 --> 00:48:20,420
The wood speaks to you?
1093
00:48:26,636 --> 00:48:29,833
Ladies and gentlemen,
the new S.H.I.T. Line.
1094
00:48:36,379 --> 00:48:37,471
Thank you.
1095
00:48:38,714 --> 00:48:40,705
What is learning? It's paying attention!
1096
00:48:40,783 --> 00:48:45,447
It's opening yourself up to this great
big ball of shit that we call life!
1097
00:48:45,521 --> 00:48:48,888
And what's the worst thing that
can happen? You get bit in the ass!
1098
00:48:48,958 --> 00:48:52,394
Well, let me tell you, my ass
looks like hamburger meat...
1099
00:48:52,461 --> 00:48:54,520
...but I can still sit down!
1100
00:48:58,868 --> 00:49:00,563
I can't believe this is a class.
1101
00:49:00,636 --> 00:49:01,625
Yeah.
1102
00:49:11,714 --> 00:49:12,908
Look what I did.
1103
00:49:13,583 --> 00:49:15,244
Ugh. What are those?
1104
00:49:15,318 --> 00:49:16,683
I call 'em GlenWads.
1105
00:49:16,752 --> 00:49:19,721
They contain every delicious flavor
in every single bite. Try one.
1106
00:49:19,789 --> 00:49:21,484
I'm not gonna lie to
you. They look disgusting.
1107
00:49:21,557 --> 00:49:23,718
This shit will get you
high on flavor alone.
1108
00:49:23,793 --> 00:49:26,455
Glen, I love your Wads. Hmm.
1109
00:49:26,529 --> 00:49:27,518
Glen.
1110
00:49:27,597 --> 00:49:30,760
This is like the most... Literally the
most incredible thing I've ever eaten.
1111
00:49:31,234 --> 00:49:32,792
Heads up, bro.
1112
00:49:32,969 --> 00:49:33,958
Whoa.
1113
00:49:34,470 --> 00:49:38,634
And it's so easy to
swallow. Mmm. Wow, Glen.
1114
00:49:38,708 --> 00:49:40,539
Uh, excuse me. Thanks, buddy. Sure.
1115
00:49:41,177 --> 00:49:42,542
Hey, how's it going? Hey.
1116
00:49:42,612 --> 00:49:44,204
Can I help you with something?
1117
00:49:44,280 --> 00:49:46,043
Aren't you that guy?
1118
00:49:46,449 --> 00:49:47,939
No, I don't think so.
1119
00:49:48,017 --> 00:49:49,985
You're not? I'm not what?
1120
00:49:50,052 --> 00:49:52,077
I saw you at rush.
What are you doing here?
1121
00:49:52,154 --> 00:49:54,486
I'm eating a Wad, man.
What are you doing here?
1122
00:49:55,124 --> 00:49:56,284
Wait... wait, let me guess.
1123
00:49:56,359 --> 00:49:58,452
You want me to sign your petition...
1124
00:49:58,527 --> 00:50:01,360
...banning minorities
from your yacht club. No?
1125
00:50:01,764 --> 00:50:03,254
I am the chairman, actually...
1126
00:50:03,332 --> 00:50:05,596
...of the Student Community
Outreach Committee at Harmon College.
1127
00:50:05,668 --> 00:50:07,727
Ah! That was my next
guess. My next guess.
1128
00:50:07,803 --> 00:50:08,997
That sounds very important.
1129
00:50:09,071 --> 00:50:10,834
As a matter of fact, it
is! That's why I said it.
1130
00:50:10,907 --> 00:50:12,204
And Harmon wants to buy this property...
1131
00:50:12,275 --> 00:50:15,335
...so do you know where I
could find the lease holder?
1132
00:50:15,411 --> 00:50:16,571
I do.
1133
00:50:20,349 --> 00:50:21,907
Well, could you tell me?
1134
00:50:21,984 --> 00:50:24,316
Oh, yeah, I could. I could, Gunther.
1135
00:50:24,387 --> 00:50:25,911
Okay, well, are you going to tell me?
1136
00:50:25,988 --> 00:50:27,922
No. I'm not gonna tell
you. I will tell you this.
1137
00:50:27,990 --> 00:50:30,481
The lease holder's not interested
in relocating at any point.
1138
00:50:30,559 --> 00:50:32,686
So thanks for asking,
and have a good day.
1139
00:50:32,762 --> 00:50:34,957
And enjoy the game show
that you host. Bye-bye.
1140
00:50:35,031 --> 00:50:36,328
Oh, look out.
1141
00:50:36,399 --> 00:50:37,798
Open it.
1142
00:50:37,867 --> 00:50:40,358
Ah. Thank you for coming by.
1143
00:50:40,436 --> 00:50:43,303
Have a good day. I'm
gonna go enjoy my Wad.
1144
00:50:45,741 --> 00:50:48,107
Hey! What the hell is this place?
1145
00:50:48,811 --> 00:50:51,939
South Harmon Institute of
Technology. The best college ever.
1146
00:51:03,526 --> 00:51:04,720
Is this a test?
1147
00:51:09,498 --> 00:51:11,159
Hey, Sperminator.
1148
00:51:15,905 --> 00:51:17,236
South Harmon?
1149
00:51:17,306 --> 00:51:18,534
Knock, knock.
1150
00:51:19,742 --> 00:51:20,766
Oh, hey, Gwynn.
1151
00:51:20,843 --> 00:51:23,311
Hey. Hey, what are you doing
up here all by your lonesome?
1152
00:51:23,379 --> 00:51:25,279
You know, you're
missing the whole party.
1153
00:51:25,348 --> 00:51:28,840
Hey, have you ever heard of the
South Harmon Institute of Technology?
1154
00:51:28,918 --> 00:51:30,476
No. How come?
1155
00:51:31,620 --> 00:51:32,678
No reason.
1156
00:51:32,755 --> 00:51:34,655
Hey, pledge.
1157
00:51:34,957 --> 00:51:37,050
Hello, knights of freedom.
1158
00:51:37,126 --> 00:51:39,959
Sperman, do you know why
you're dressed like this?
1159
00:51:40,029 --> 00:51:42,088
Because it's required for brotherhood.
1160
00:51:42,732 --> 00:51:44,597
Drink this. Okay.
1161
00:51:44,667 --> 00:51:45,964
No, wait.
1162
00:51:49,638 --> 00:51:50,832
There you go.
1163
00:51:51,040 --> 00:51:52,803
Good addition, sir.
1164
00:52:03,452 --> 00:52:06,012
Hey, Hoyt. Hey, what are you doin'?
1165
00:52:07,590 --> 00:52:09,080
Oh-oh. Hoyt.
1166
00:52:10,659 --> 00:52:12,490
Monica. Hold on. Shit!
1167
00:52:18,367 --> 00:52:21,165
Harmon Gateway, my ass.
Let me tell you something.
1168
00:52:21,237 --> 00:52:25,196
That's the kind of group-think mob
mentality that's dumbing down America...
1169
00:52:25,274 --> 00:52:27,105
...and flushing your
brains down the toilet.
1170
00:52:27,176 --> 00:52:29,974
B! We have a problem.
1171
00:52:33,449 --> 00:52:34,609
Virgin daiquiri.
1172
00:52:34,683 --> 00:52:36,776
And easy on the lime there, Eraserhead.
1173
00:52:36,852 --> 00:52:38,046
Comin' right up.
1174
00:52:38,120 --> 00:52:40,418
Lizzie. What are you doing here?
1175
00:52:40,489 --> 00:52:44,084
You mean I can't swing by and
visit my big brother at college?
1176
00:52:44,160 --> 00:52:46,390
You are in college, aren't you?
1177
00:52:46,929 --> 00:52:48,021
What is that supposed to mean?
1178
00:52:48,097 --> 00:52:50,224
Come on, Bartleby. The jig's up.
1179
00:52:50,299 --> 00:52:52,164
I'm telling Mom and Dad.
1180
00:52:52,234 --> 00:52:54,099
Uh, listen, w-w-what
do you want?
1181
00:52:54,170 --> 00:52:55,330
$20,000.
1182
00:52:55,404 --> 00:52:57,929
What? No way! That's insane. Come on.
1183
00:52:58,007 --> 00:52:59,406
I'm not gonna play your little game.
1184
00:52:59,475 --> 00:53:00,703
I'm not gonna give you a cent.
1185
00:53:00,776 --> 00:53:03,108
How do you like that? How
do you like them apples, huh?
1186
00:53:03,179 --> 00:53:05,147
Fortunately, Mom and
Dad are on speed dial.
1187
00:53:05,214 --> 00:53:06,943
Oh. I'll ask them to pick me up here.
1188
00:53:07,016 --> 00:53:09,484
Okay, you're gonna call
Mom and Dad, sure. Ringing.
1189
00:53:09,552 --> 00:53:10,746
You are bluffing with the best.
1190
00:53:10,820 --> 00:53:12,481
You're very good, though.
I gotta give it to you.
1191
00:53:12,555 --> 00:53:13,681
Hi, Mom. Okay, stop it.
1192
00:53:13,756 --> 00:53:15,018
Anything you want, not money-related.
1193
00:53:15,091 --> 00:53:16,115
Your Razor scooter. Done.
1194
00:53:16,192 --> 00:53:18,057
And a fake ID. No! That's ridiculous.
1195
00:53:18,127 --> 00:53:19,526
I'm not gonna let you drink.
1196
00:53:19,595 --> 00:53:21,620
It's so I can vote, dumbass.
1197
00:53:22,331 --> 00:53:24,231
Oh. Okay, deal.
1198
00:53:26,469 --> 00:53:28,437
You need a Razor scooter to vote?
1199
00:53:29,972 --> 00:53:31,405
What do you mean, they're a college?
1200
00:53:31,474 --> 00:53:33,601
They're called the South
Harmon Institute of Technology.
1201
00:53:33,676 --> 00:53:35,701
The South Harmon
Institute of Technology?
1202
00:53:35,778 --> 00:53:37,643
What is this, some kind of joke?
1203
00:53:37,713 --> 00:53:39,305
No, I don't think it is, sir.
1204
00:53:39,381 --> 00:53:41,110
Mr. Ambrose, that is the one building...
1205
00:53:41,183 --> 00:53:43,344
...standing between me
and the Van Horne Gateway.
1206
00:53:43,419 --> 00:53:44,977
Well, I don't know
what to tell you, sir.
1207
00:53:45,054 --> 00:53:46,681
Tell me that you're not that naive.
1208
00:53:46,755 --> 00:53:49,747
Colleges don't just spring up
out of the ground overnight.
1209
00:53:49,825 --> 00:53:50,951
You're right. You're right, sir.
1210
00:53:51,026 --> 00:53:52,687
I know I'm right!
1211
00:53:53,162 --> 00:53:55,722
All right, don't worry. I'll... I'll
figure a way to get them out of there.
1212
00:53:55,798 --> 00:53:57,789
What an excellent idea, Mr. Ambrose.
1213
00:53:57,867 --> 00:54:00,836
That's the kind of thinking that
will get you into law school.
1214
00:54:28,297 --> 00:54:29,958
Coming through!
1215
00:54:30,032 --> 00:54:31,056
Ow!
1216
00:54:45,581 --> 00:54:46,639
Hey, what are you doing here?
1217
00:54:46,715 --> 00:54:49,183
I just came to thank you
so much for my camera, B.
1218
00:54:49,251 --> 00:54:50,912
It was so sweet, thank you.
1219
00:54:50,986 --> 00:54:54,080
Come on. Please, I figured, who
needs a life's savings, right?
1220
00:54:54,156 --> 00:54:56,522
Actually, I had a really
hard time finding this place.
1221
00:54:56,592 --> 00:54:58,082
You... You guys aren't
listed in the phone book...
1222
00:54:58,160 --> 00:55:00,025
...and nobody really seems
to know about you guys.
1223
00:55:00,095 --> 00:55:02,563
Yeah, yeah, we're... we're
a pretty well-kept secret.
1224
00:55:02,631 --> 00:55:04,724
Well, let me... Let me show
you the rest of the place.
1225
00:55:04,800 --> 00:55:05,858
Sure. Really?
1226
00:55:05,935 --> 00:55:07,027
Yeah, of course. Okay.
1227
00:55:07,102 --> 00:55:08,160
Great. Great.
1228
00:55:08,237 --> 00:55:10,296
Let's, let's go. All right.
1229
00:55:11,307 --> 00:55:12,968
Two lava flows. Thank you.
1230
00:55:13,042 --> 00:55:14,407
And keep your voice
down. People are playing.
1231
00:55:14,476 --> 00:55:17,172
Okay. Thanks, buddy.
Mmm. Oh, okay. Thank you.
1232
00:55:17,246 --> 00:55:19,043
He makes a mean drink. Yeah. It's great.
1233
00:55:19,114 --> 00:55:20,479
All right. Hello.
1234
00:55:20,549 --> 00:55:22,039
How do you like your drink?
1235
00:55:22,117 --> 00:55:24,176
Yeah, it's really good, Glen. Thanks.
1236
00:55:24,253 --> 00:55:25,277
Does she like hers?
1237
00:55:25,354 --> 00:55:26,685
Uh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, she...
1238
00:55:26,755 --> 00:55:27,881
Yeah, it's great. Thank you.
1239
00:55:27,957 --> 00:55:29,219
Okay, great, thanks. Okay, pal. Okay.
1240
00:55:29,291 --> 00:55:30,656
Ah, Glen.
1241
00:55:30,926 --> 00:55:32,689
Wait. So this is your course guide?
1242
00:55:32,761 --> 00:55:33,955
Yeah, this is a new pilot program.
1243
00:55:34,029 --> 00:55:35,894
See, the administration wanted
us to create our own classes...
1244
00:55:35,965 --> 00:55:38,126
...so we just, uh,
write 'em on the board.
1245
00:55:38,200 --> 00:55:39,360
Really? Yeah.
1246
00:55:39,435 --> 00:55:40,629
Wow, that's so cool, B.
1247
00:55:40,703 --> 00:55:41,965
Hey, why don't you
sign up for one? No, no.
1248
00:55:42,037 --> 00:55:43,561
Come on. Sign up for
one. No. No, Bartleby, no.
1249
00:55:43,639 --> 00:55:45,231
It... It's painless.
I insist. Oh, really?
1250
00:55:45,307 --> 00:55:47,241
Even if you don't sign up for
one you'll go on a fun ride.
1251
00:55:47,309 --> 00:55:48,606
Okay.
1252
00:55:48,677 --> 00:55:50,372
Just stop me when you see
something that you like.
1253
00:55:50,446 --> 00:55:53,472
Okay. Oh, I like this one.
"Men: The Weaker Sex. "
1254
00:55:53,549 --> 00:55:54,880
Give me a pen. Oh.
1255
00:55:54,950 --> 00:55:58,408
B, there can't honestly be a
class called "Bullshitting 236."
1256
00:55:58,787 --> 00:56:01,620
What about "The Decline
and Fall of Chevy Chase"?
1257
00:56:01,724 --> 00:56:02,986
There's a wait list for that one.
1258
00:56:08,163 --> 00:56:09,255
What?
1259
00:56:10,332 --> 00:56:11,560
Are... Are you okay?
1260
00:56:11,634 --> 00:56:12,760
What?
1261
00:56:13,168 --> 00:56:14,567
What the hell happened?
1262
00:56:14,637 --> 00:56:16,127
An explosion of flavor!
1263
00:56:16,205 --> 00:56:18,639
I'm working with some
very unstable herbs!
1264
00:56:19,708 --> 00:56:21,369
Wait, wait, wait. So
you're telling me...
1265
00:56:21,443 --> 00:56:23,877
...that there are no tests, or essays...
1266
00:56:24,446 --> 00:56:26,846
...or required reading,
or any of that nonsense?
1267
00:56:26,915 --> 00:56:28,906
That's what I'm sayin'. Wow. Ever?
1268
00:56:28,984 --> 00:56:30,178
Yeah. Never ever.
1269
00:56:30,252 --> 00:56:32,015
Ask me about my wiener! That's amazing.
1270
00:56:32,087 --> 00:56:33,714
Yeah, it's pretty cool.
1271
00:56:34,256 --> 00:56:35,746
Oh, no.
1272
00:56:35,824 --> 00:56:37,724
Ask me about my wiener!
1273
00:56:39,228 --> 00:56:40,559
What the...
1274
00:56:40,629 --> 00:56:43,325
Ask me about my wiener!
1275
00:56:45,467 --> 00:56:46,559
Schrader?
1276
00:56:46,635 --> 00:56:47,863
Oh, hey, B. Hi.
1277
00:56:47,936 --> 00:56:49,028
And Monica.
1278
00:56:49,271 --> 00:56:51,330
Hey. Why... Why are you wearing this?
1279
00:56:51,407 --> 00:56:54,308
Every single brother in my
fraternity has worn this suit.
1280
00:56:54,376 --> 00:56:56,810
President James Garfield wore
this suit like a gentleman.
1281
00:56:56,879 --> 00:56:58,107
Oh, yeah, and look what happened to him.
1282
00:56:58,180 --> 00:57:00,478
He got assassinated by Charles Guiteau.
1283
00:57:00,549 --> 00:57:02,517
Don't ask me how I know that.
1284
00:57:02,584 --> 00:57:04,711
Do me a favor, ask me about
my wiener really quickly.
1285
00:57:04,787 --> 00:57:06,084
Schrader, no.
1286
00:57:06,155 --> 00:57:07,918
Guys, my brothers could
be watching me right now.
1287
00:57:07,990 --> 00:57:09,514
Just ask me about my wiener, please.
1288
00:57:10,592 --> 00:57:12,583
Why are you doing
this? What do you mean?
1289
00:57:12,661 --> 00:57:14,128
Come on. You're... This...
1290
00:57:14,463 --> 00:57:15,987
You're humiliating yourself, buddy.
1291
00:57:16,065 --> 00:57:18,226
You know what, B. Don't mess with me!
1292
00:57:18,300 --> 00:57:20,325
These are the happiest
times of my life, all right?
1293
00:57:20,402 --> 00:57:23,030
Schrader. I'm so
happy, I'm the happiest.
1294
00:57:23,105 --> 00:57:24,231
I'm happy!
1295
00:57:25,574 --> 00:57:27,735
Hey! Ask me about my wiener!
1296
00:57:28,577 --> 00:57:30,044
S.H.I.T. Rag. Hot off the presses.
1297
00:57:31,146 --> 00:57:32,704
Here you go, B. Thanks, Boner.
1298
00:57:32,781 --> 00:57:33,839
The S.H.I.T. Rag?
1299
00:57:33,916 --> 00:57:35,315
Yeah, come on, every
school's gotta have a paper.
1300
00:57:35,384 --> 00:57:38,012
There's a great op-ed piece in there
about not believing everything you read.
1301
00:57:38,120 --> 00:57:39,212
It's really provocative.
1302
00:57:39,288 --> 00:57:43,122
As your de facto consigliere my advice
to you is to shut this down immediately.
1303
00:57:43,192 --> 00:57:44,921
And my advice to you
is to stop worrying...
1304
00:57:44,993 --> 00:57:46,426
...before you spontaneously combust.
1305
00:57:46,495 --> 00:57:47,826
Yes, but you can't just do this.
1306
00:57:47,896 --> 00:57:49,090
To be a real college...
1307
00:57:49,164 --> 00:57:50,927
...you have to go through the
appropriate legal channels.
1308
00:57:50,999 --> 00:57:52,091
You need to be accredited.
1309
00:57:52,167 --> 00:57:53,794
Well, yeah, could you take care of that?
1310
00:57:53,869 --> 00:57:56,804
Hey, B. Pancho, looking good, pal.
1311
00:57:57,106 --> 00:57:58,130
Who's that? Spank me.
1312
00:57:58,207 --> 00:57:59,674
That's, uh, the mascot.
1313
00:57:59,942 --> 00:58:01,307
Oh, it's the mascot? Yeah.
1314
00:58:01,377 --> 00:58:02,605
A sandwich? Yes.
1315
00:58:02,678 --> 00:58:05,238
You're the S.H.I.T.
Sandwiches? Yes, we are.
1316
00:58:05,314 --> 00:58:07,407
You are taking this way too far.
1317
00:58:07,483 --> 00:58:09,542
How so? Oh, I don't know, man.
1318
00:58:09,618 --> 00:58:11,813
Maybe it's the pool, or the half-pipe.
1319
00:58:11,920 --> 00:58:14,480
That's not in the budget. I'm
re-investing in their education.
1320
00:58:14,556 --> 00:58:16,456
Those are South Harmon
cornerstones there.
1321
00:58:16,525 --> 00:58:18,390
Yes, but you're overlooking
zoning requirements...
1322
00:58:18,460 --> 00:58:20,451
...noise permits, there
are insurance issues.
1323
00:58:20,529 --> 00:58:23,293
Come on. Insurance? What's gonna happen?
1324
00:58:31,240 --> 00:58:32,798
Oh, shit.
1325
00:58:36,245 --> 00:58:37,269
Wow.
1326
00:58:37,713 --> 00:58:39,044
Yeah!
1327
00:58:39,281 --> 00:58:40,612
Aw, shit.
1328
00:58:41,216 --> 00:58:44,151
We gotta do it again,
dudes. Left the lens cap on.
1329
00:58:44,219 --> 00:58:46,153
No, you didn't! Damn!
1330
00:58:47,656 --> 00:58:50,022
You know what? You're absolutely
right. This has gone way too far.
1331
00:58:50,092 --> 00:58:53,084
And I think we need to do
something about it ASAP.
1332
00:58:53,162 --> 00:58:54,959
Thank you. Thank you.
1333
00:59:14,116 --> 00:59:15,583
Is this great or is this great?
1334
00:59:15,651 --> 00:59:17,380
It's pretty cool, man, but I gotta go.
1335
00:59:17,453 --> 00:59:20,581
The Roaring '20s is B.K.E.'s
biggest party of the year.
1336
00:59:20,656 --> 00:59:22,590
And we're recreating the
scene from The Untouchables...
1337
00:59:22,658 --> 00:59:24,785
...where Roy, as Bobby De Niro...
1338
00:59:24,860 --> 00:59:26,760
...crushes my skull with a baseball bat.
1339
00:59:26,829 --> 00:59:28,592
Wow, what an incredible honor.
1340
00:59:28,664 --> 00:59:30,757
Could you sign a copy
of your book for me?
1341
00:59:30,833 --> 00:59:33,563
I got it on eBay. They
sell my shit on eBay?
1342
00:59:33,635 --> 00:59:35,193
You wrote a book? Yeah.
1343
00:59:35,270 --> 00:59:36,999
But that was back when I was drinking.
1344
00:59:37,072 --> 00:59:40,473
Come on, Glen, you can't
keep stringing us along.
1345
00:59:40,542 --> 00:59:42,874
Which one of us is it going to be?
1346
00:59:56,158 --> 00:59:59,025
Quiet, quiet, quiet! Quiet, shh!
1347
00:59:59,161 --> 01:00:02,062
Ladies and gentlemen, let's give
it up for your fearless leader...
1348
01:00:02,130 --> 01:00:04,155
Bartleby Gaines. Come on up here, buddy!
1349
01:00:04,600 --> 01:00:05,862
Aw, man.
1350
01:00:05,934 --> 01:00:07,697
Thanks. Thank you. Get up here!
1351
01:00:07,769 --> 01:00:09,566
Come on up! I know you know this one!
1352
01:00:09,638 --> 01:00:12,334
Go. Go up there right now. Go, man, go!
1353
01:00:15,077 --> 01:00:17,477
How you doin'? Yeah! You the man.
1354
01:00:51,647 --> 01:00:53,581
I'm going to have that.
1355
01:00:53,916 --> 01:00:55,042
Shut up.
1356
01:00:55,117 --> 01:00:57,108
Look, where the hell is everybody at?
1357
01:00:57,185 --> 01:00:58,550
You! Hey.
1358
01:00:58,620 --> 01:01:00,315
Hey. How are you?
1359
01:01:00,389 --> 01:01:03,381
Aw, God, look, where
the hell is everybody?
1360
01:01:03,692 --> 01:01:05,592
This is the biggest
party of the year, guys.
1361
01:01:07,029 --> 01:01:08,155
Band, hey!
1362
01:01:08,230 --> 01:01:10,698
Ah, you want to start
playing some music, please?
1363
01:01:11,900 --> 01:01:13,162
Hey. Hoyt, hey.
1364
01:01:13,235 --> 01:01:15,897
There's, like, some
big party down the hill.
1365
01:01:17,773 --> 01:01:18,899
Oh, that son of a...
1366
01:01:38,594 --> 01:01:41,256
Hey! B, oh, my gosh, that was fantastic.
1367
01:01:41,330 --> 01:01:42,661
Aw, my God, you saw
that. I'm embarrassed.
1368
01:01:42,731 --> 01:01:43,755
I don't know what happened to me.
1369
01:01:43,832 --> 01:01:47,165
Someone possessed me, and... And it was
the spirit of Johnny Ramone, I think.
1370
01:01:47,235 --> 01:01:49,965
B, is there anything that
you're not incredibly amazing at?
1371
01:01:50,038 --> 01:01:51,062
Yeah, it's funny you should ask.
1372
01:01:51,139 --> 01:01:52,868
There are very few things
I'm not very good at.
1373
01:01:52,941 --> 01:01:55,967
Off the top of my head I can think
of spelunking, uh, telekinesis...
1374
01:01:56,044 --> 01:01:57,671
...not crying at the end of My Girl.
1375
01:01:57,746 --> 01:01:59,907
It gets me. And dairy products.
1376
01:01:59,982 --> 01:02:02,109
Which is good, because you know
I'm not really in the mood...
1377
01:02:02,184 --> 01:02:03,947
...for any dairy products tonight.
1378
01:02:04,252 --> 01:02:06,777
Well, let's see if we can
get you something else then.
1379
01:02:06,855 --> 01:02:08,652
Let's see. All right.
1380
01:02:10,225 --> 01:02:11,886
This is my... Oh! Ooh!
1381
01:02:11,960 --> 01:02:14,121
I'm okay, I'm okay. I keep
forgetting this opens out.
1382
01:02:14,196 --> 01:02:15,754
It happens all the time,
I gotta get used to it.
1383
01:02:15,831 --> 01:02:16,991
Oh, no.
1384
01:02:17,232 --> 01:02:18,494
And this is...
1385
01:02:19,735 --> 01:02:20,997
Mi casa.
1386
01:02:21,670 --> 01:02:25,162
Bartleby, uh, oh, my
God, this is amazing!
1387
01:02:25,240 --> 01:02:26,571
Huh? It's fine.
1388
01:02:26,642 --> 01:02:28,974
I mean, I like it 'cause
it's simple, and functional.
1389
01:02:29,044 --> 01:02:31,740
Provides a good safe workspace
for me to focus on my studies.
1390
01:02:35,017 --> 01:02:39,647
B, this is so cheesy,
in the greatest way.
1391
01:02:40,155 --> 01:02:42,783
There is nothing cheesy
about a clap-on disco ball.
1392
01:02:43,959 --> 01:02:45,017
Maybe it's a little bit much.
1393
01:02:45,093 --> 01:02:47,118
I've wanted one since
I was a kid, though.
1394
01:02:47,195 --> 01:02:50,028
Wait, is everybody's room at
South Harmon this incredible?
1395
01:02:50,098 --> 01:02:51,360
Well, at South Harmon you're free...
1396
01:02:51,433 --> 01:02:52,730
...to kind of design
your own rooms, you know?
1397
01:02:52,801 --> 01:02:54,166
Whatever you're thinking,
whatever you're...
1398
01:02:54,236 --> 01:02:56,033
And I was thinking clap-on disco ball.
1399
01:02:56,271 --> 01:02:58,239
How about that drink?
Can I get you a drink?
1400
01:02:58,306 --> 01:03:00,274
I would love a drink. All right.
1401
01:03:02,010 --> 01:03:04,410
Ah, touch�. Ahh.
1402
01:03:22,831 --> 01:03:24,389
This party's off the hook!
1403
01:03:24,466 --> 01:03:25,524
Hey, hey, hey, shut up!
1404
01:03:25,600 --> 01:03:27,067
All right. Where is that asshole?
1405
01:03:27,436 --> 01:03:30,371
Co-Come on, Bartleby,
that was 7th grade.
1406
01:03:30,439 --> 01:03:32,202
Yeah, exactly, that was my point.
1407
01:03:32,274 --> 01:03:34,367
Well, I will have you know... Oh, now...
1408
01:03:34,443 --> 01:03:36,968
...now I can't go back to your
past, but you can go back to mine.
1409
01:03:37,045 --> 01:03:39,775
That Christina Aguilera look did
very well for me, thank you very much.
1410
01:03:39,848 --> 01:03:41,076
Yeah, you did great,
you did great. I know.
1411
01:03:41,149 --> 01:03:43,617
I remember you making out with Pete
Goochman in Julie Posner's basement.
1412
01:03:43,685 --> 01:03:44,743
You were at that party?
1413
01:03:44,820 --> 01:03:46,412
Oh, even if I wasn't there,
I would have known about it.
1414
01:03:46,488 --> 01:03:47,955
It made headline news at school.
1415
01:03:48,023 --> 01:03:50,184
And... And... And that day
something happened in my life...
1416
01:03:50,258 --> 01:03:52,123
...that I never thought would happen.
1417
01:03:52,194 --> 01:03:55,254
I became envious of Pete
"The Gooch" Goochman.
1418
01:03:55,430 --> 01:03:56,795
Never thought it would happen.
1419
01:03:56,865 --> 01:03:59,493
But I was like, "He got to
make out with Monica Moreland. "
1420
01:03:59,568 --> 01:04:02,662
Well, if you wanted to kiss me so
bad in the basement, why didn't you?
1421
01:04:02,738 --> 01:04:04,706
Well, 'cause the Gooch beat me to it...
1422
01:04:04,773 --> 01:04:07,469
...and I was a little shy, and, uh...
1423
01:04:07,709 --> 01:04:10,940
Well, you want to
kiss me now, don't you?
1424
01:04:21,056 --> 01:04:23,081
You look like Carly Simon!
1425
01:04:23,458 --> 01:04:26,518
If I could bang one woman in
the world it'd be Carly Simon...
1426
01:04:26,595 --> 01:04:28,153
...and you look like her!
1427
01:04:28,663 --> 01:04:30,426
Are you having fun?
1428
01:04:30,866 --> 01:04:32,561
I'm having so much fun.
1429
01:04:32,634 --> 01:04:34,363
Let's go find him. Oh!
1430
01:04:39,107 --> 01:04:41,337
Oh, shit, oh, shit, oh, shit, oh, shit.
1431
01:04:45,280 --> 01:04:46,838
Sorry. One sec.
1432
01:04:50,685 --> 01:04:53,119
Oh, shit. Uh, I got a situation.
1433
01:04:53,889 --> 01:04:55,550
Come, come with me. Okay.
1434
01:05:03,598 --> 01:05:05,566
Hey, have you seen Schrader?
1435
01:05:06,501 --> 01:05:07,593
Excuse me.
1436
01:05:09,271 --> 01:05:10,431
Shit.
1437
01:05:11,173 --> 01:05:13,471
Monica? What are you doing here?
1438
01:05:13,542 --> 01:05:16,807
Oh, you know, just picking up
my application for transfer.
1439
01:05:17,546 --> 01:05:19,411
You're telling me that
you're with this guy now?
1440
01:05:19,481 --> 01:05:21,608
Actually, Hoyt, um...
1441
01:05:22,684 --> 01:05:24,914
I'm telling you it's
none of your business.
1442
01:05:25,854 --> 01:05:27,344
It's none of my business? Yeah.
1443
01:05:27,422 --> 01:05:29,014
Oh, snap!
1444
01:05:29,991 --> 01:05:32,255
Hey, Hoyt, let me introduce
you to an old friend of mine.
1445
01:05:32,327 --> 01:05:35,262
The word "rejection. "
She can be a real bitch.
1446
01:05:35,330 --> 01:05:37,059
But you don't have to give her roofies.
1447
01:05:37,132 --> 01:05:39,066
So you're not gonna like her. Ooh.
1448
01:05:39,134 --> 01:05:40,897
You want me to give you
something funny to laugh about?
1449
01:05:40,969 --> 01:05:43,301
You mean something funnier
than your future alcohol abuse?
1450
01:05:43,371 --> 01:05:44,895
Battle Royale!
1451
01:05:48,643 --> 01:05:50,668
Uh, shit. Let's go, guys.
1452
01:05:51,346 --> 01:05:53,837
All right, come on, guys.
Let's get out of here.
1453
01:05:54,216 --> 01:05:57,014
Wow, Monica, you really know
how to pick 'em, don't you?
1454
01:05:57,085 --> 01:05:58,416
Have fun with these idiots!
1455
01:05:58,486 --> 01:05:59,646
Bye-bye. Bye.
1456
01:05:59,721 --> 01:06:01,154
Thank you for comin'.
1457
01:06:01,223 --> 01:06:03,123
Guys, let's get the
music back up! Come on!
1458
01:06:29,584 --> 01:06:31,711
Wet T-shirt party!
1459
01:06:49,771 --> 01:06:50,567
Mom? Dad?
1460
01:06:56,077 --> 01:06:57,908
Gwynn. Hi, there.
1461
01:06:58,813 --> 01:07:00,041
What are you doing here?
1462
01:07:00,115 --> 01:07:01,446
I'm your escort.
1463
01:07:01,516 --> 01:07:03,541
Induction night, big guy.
1464
01:07:03,952 --> 01:07:07,410
B.K.E., B.K.E., brotherhood,
brotherhood, you and me!
1465
01:07:07,489 --> 01:07:10,788
B.K.E., B.K.E. Brotherhood,
brotherhood, you and me!
1466
01:07:10,859 --> 01:07:12,656
Sherman Schrader, you rock!
1467
01:07:12,727 --> 01:07:14,627
Aw, no! You guys rock!
1468
01:07:14,696 --> 01:07:16,789
Get ready to be inducted into
the brotherhood, you winner!
1469
01:07:16,865 --> 01:07:20,062
Yes! I want it! I want
everything you guys have. Whoo!
1470
01:07:20,135 --> 01:07:22,569
I want lilac shirts! I want visors...
1471
01:07:22,637 --> 01:07:26,004
...kind of tilted to the side,
with hair gel coming out of it.
1472
01:07:26,074 --> 01:07:28,042
I want to have sex with
girls that look like this!
1473
01:07:28,109 --> 01:07:30,134
You rock! I know I do!
1474
01:07:30,211 --> 01:07:32,441
You do, yeah, you do.
1475
01:07:33,415 --> 01:07:36,543
Do I get hair gel now, or do
I have to go and buy my own?
1476
01:07:36,618 --> 01:07:37,744
Did you crack him?
1477
01:07:37,819 --> 01:07:38,877
No.
1478
01:07:39,821 --> 01:07:41,254
We'll crack him.
1479
01:07:42,223 --> 01:07:45,522
Sherman, do you know how long
that this fraternity has survived?
1480
01:07:45,794 --> 01:07:46,920
Yes, sir.
1481
01:07:46,995 --> 01:07:49,486
153 majestic years, sir.
1482
01:07:49,564 --> 01:07:52,624
That is correct. Because it's based
on the most sacred principle...
1483
01:07:52,701 --> 01:07:54,862
...that brothers can share.
1484
01:07:54,936 --> 01:07:56,130
Trust.
1485
01:07:58,306 --> 01:08:00,274
And seriously, bro, I'm...
I'm beginning to question...
1486
01:08:00,342 --> 01:08:01,639
...whether or not I can trust you.
1487
01:08:01,743 --> 01:08:04,337
'Cause we know you been hanging out
with those freaks down at the loony bin.
1488
01:08:04,412 --> 01:08:06,573
So with your allegiance
being called into question...
1489
01:08:06,648 --> 01:08:09,116
I just wanted to ask you just one thing.
1490
01:08:10,118 --> 01:08:11,380
Paddle.
1491
01:08:11,453 --> 01:08:13,785
That's actually not a question. Shut up!
1492
01:08:14,656 --> 01:08:16,283
Are you with them...
1493
01:08:18,793 --> 01:08:20,021
...or are you with us?
1494
01:08:36,311 --> 01:08:37,573
Decent party.
1495
01:08:42,684 --> 01:08:44,549
Okay, I'll give you decent.
1496
01:08:55,597 --> 01:08:58,259
Hey, where is Schrader?
He should be here for this.
1497
01:08:58,333 --> 01:08:59,766
I don't know. I haven't
seen him in a couple of days.
1498
01:08:59,834 --> 01:09:01,096
I hope he's not sick.
1499
01:09:01,269 --> 01:09:03,430
Okay. Quick, quick, quick,
everybody say "Cheers"!
1500
01:09:03,505 --> 01:09:05,132
Hey, "quick, quick,
quick," get up in here.
1501
01:09:05,206 --> 01:09:06,400
No. Oh, yes.
1502
01:09:06,474 --> 01:09:08,999
Yes, yes, yes. Come over here. Okay.
1503
01:09:10,612 --> 01:09:12,375
Gotta up the gorgeous quotient.
1504
01:09:13,014 --> 01:09:15,778
Okay. Get ready and now.
1505
01:09:15,850 --> 01:09:17,818
Cheers!
1506
01:09:19,020 --> 01:09:20,317
Schrader.
1507
01:09:22,524 --> 01:09:24,048
Schrader, come on, open up.
1508
01:09:24,793 --> 01:09:26,351
What are you...
1509
01:09:27,228 --> 01:09:28,820
What the hell happened to you?
1510
01:09:31,332 --> 01:09:34,631
Nothing. Just a little ritual
bonding over at the B.K.E. House.
1511
01:09:34,803 --> 01:09:36,464
What? What are you talking about?
1512
01:09:36,538 --> 01:09:39,200
They kicked my ass, until I
told them all about South Harmon.
1513
01:09:39,941 --> 01:09:41,238
Oh, shit.
1514
01:09:41,609 --> 01:09:44,237
They took my laptop, the
mailing list, everything.
1515
01:09:45,713 --> 01:09:47,510
Shit. Man, I'm sorry.
1516
01:09:47,582 --> 01:09:50,608
All I ever wanted was a
run-of-the-mill college experience.
1517
01:09:50,685 --> 01:09:52,550
But not me, right? I can't have that.
1518
01:09:52,620 --> 01:09:53,678
Not me!
1519
01:09:53,755 --> 01:09:55,484
'Cause I'm too busy getting
the shit kicked out of me...
1520
01:09:55,557 --> 01:09:56,888
...and being an accomplice to fraud!
1521
01:09:56,958 --> 01:09:58,516
Does the run-of-the-mill
college experience...
1522
01:09:58,593 --> 01:10:00,083
...include stripping
you of your dignity?
1523
01:10:00,161 --> 01:10:03,289
Totally humiliating you, making you
wear a... A... A frigging hot dog suit?
1524
01:10:03,364 --> 01:10:04,888
It's a tradition. A tradition?
1525
01:10:04,966 --> 01:10:06,558
Yes. I got a tradition for you.
1526
01:10:06,634 --> 01:10:09,899
Schrader, you've been my best
friend since we were 5 years old.
1527
01:10:09,971 --> 01:10:11,700
That's the only tradition I know.
1528
01:10:21,716 --> 01:10:23,911
I just messed up. I really messed up.
1529
01:10:23,985 --> 01:10:25,748
How? What happened?
1530
01:10:25,920 --> 01:10:27,148
With Schrader.
1531
01:10:27,222 --> 01:10:28,985
I know Bartleby is by the pool.
1532
01:10:29,057 --> 01:10:30,149
Oh, my God.
1533
01:10:30,325 --> 01:10:31,485
What is it? Cops?
1534
01:10:31,559 --> 01:10:33,459
Worse. Parents.
1535
01:10:35,296 --> 01:10:37,730
Mom! Dad! Great!
1536
01:10:37,966 --> 01:10:39,490
Hey, guys.
1537
01:10:39,567 --> 01:10:41,364
Bartleby! Hiya, kid!
1538
01:10:41,669 --> 01:10:43,694
Hey, oh, it's so good to see you!
1539
01:10:43,771 --> 01:10:46,205
Oh, it's great to see
you. Ow. You look thin.
1540
01:10:46,274 --> 01:10:48,674
There's five good ones right
there for my college boy, huh?
1541
01:10:48,743 --> 01:10:50,074
Hey, hey, Dad.
1542
01:10:50,145 --> 01:10:52,807
Wha... What... What...
What are you doing here?
1543
01:10:52,914 --> 01:10:53,938
Well, Parents' Day.
1544
01:10:54,349 --> 01:10:56,408
What a wonderful idea on the
part of the college, you know?
1545
01:10:56,484 --> 01:10:58,111
Yeah. Oh, right.
1546
01:10:58,253 --> 01:11:00,346
Parents' Day. Of course.
1547
01:11:00,421 --> 01:11:03,185
Hello, everyone. Now,
welcome to Parents' Day.
1548
01:11:03,258 --> 01:11:05,453
And, uh, we're very
glad you could be here.
1549
01:11:05,527 --> 01:11:08,428
Um, we have a wonderful
guided tour planned...
1550
01:11:08,496 --> 01:11:10,225
...a
- Around the grounds and the campus...
1551
01:11:10,298 --> 01:11:11,959
Show you what we've
been working on all year.
1552
01:11:12,033 --> 01:11:13,660
So, welcome one and
all. Excuse me, everyone.
1553
01:11:13,735 --> 01:11:14,861
May I have your attention, please?
1554
01:11:14,936 --> 01:11:16,164
Oh, shit.
1555
01:11:16,237 --> 01:11:17,568
I knew I smelled bacon.
1556
01:11:17,839 --> 01:11:19,636
My name is Richard Van Horne.
1557
01:11:19,707 --> 01:11:20,731
Oh, Van Horne, yes.
1558
01:11:20,808 --> 01:11:23,333
The... The dean of Harmon
College, our big sister school.
1559
01:11:23,411 --> 01:11:25,379
Give him a round of
applause. He's earned it.
1560
01:11:25,446 --> 01:11:27,471
Thank you for comin' by.
Great to see him here.
1561
01:11:27,549 --> 01:11:29,016
They are our big sister school...
1562
01:11:29,083 --> 01:11:31,313
...and we are honored by their presence.
1563
01:11:31,386 --> 01:11:35,049
Thank you for that nice introduction,
young man, but the joke is over.
1564
01:11:35,590 --> 01:11:36,818
Ladies and gentlemen...
1565
01:11:36,891 --> 01:11:39,155
South Harmon Institute of Technology...
1566
01:11:39,227 --> 01:11:41,752
...is not the sister school of Harmon...
1567
01:11:41,963 --> 01:11:43,555
...or of anything else, for that matter.
1568
01:11:43,631 --> 01:11:45,394
More like cousins. Thank you for coming.
1569
01:11:45,466 --> 01:11:47,866
It is not accredited. Any...
1570
01:11:48,002 --> 01:11:50,971
Nor is it truly an
educational institution.
1571
01:11:53,374 --> 01:11:54,807
Is this true, Bartleby?
1572
01:11:56,077 --> 01:11:58,568
It is a sham, a fraud...
1573
01:11:58,846 --> 01:12:01,542
...that undermines the efforts
of real colleges everywhere...
1574
01:12:01,616 --> 01:12:03,243
...and I invite you to confirm that...
1575
01:12:03,318 --> 01:12:05,650
...with the State
Board of Accreditation.
1576
01:12:05,720 --> 01:12:07,984
To all those students
who have been duped...
1577
01:12:08,056 --> 01:12:10,388
...good luck applying
to schools next year.
1578
01:12:10,458 --> 01:12:14,690
And to Mr. Gaines I say you will
be hearing from our attorneys.
1579
01:12:17,966 --> 01:12:21,299
Wow, Parents' Day. Man, I wish
I would have thought of that.
1580
01:12:22,570 --> 01:12:24,128
Oh, that's right, I did.
1581
01:12:24,706 --> 01:12:25,730
Oh, and by the way...
1582
01:12:25,807 --> 01:12:27,468
...if you, uh, if you see
that lease holder of yours...
1583
01:12:27,542 --> 01:12:29,134
...will you tell him that his
lease automatically breaks...
1584
01:12:29,210 --> 01:12:31,178
...when he's found guilty of fraud?
1585
01:12:31,246 --> 01:12:32,543
Cool. Thanks, D.
1586
01:12:32,614 --> 01:12:34,104
Er, was it G?
1587
01:12:34,549 --> 01:12:36,414
That's right, it's F. See you, F.
1588
01:12:39,287 --> 01:12:41,016
Guys, I can explain. Mmm-mmm.
1589
01:12:41,089 --> 01:12:44,581
You have done some stupid
things in your life, Bartleby...
1590
01:12:44,993 --> 01:12:46,392
...but this...
1591
01:12:46,861 --> 01:12:49,728
You get your stuff together.
You meet us in the car.
1592
01:12:50,064 --> 01:12:51,622
This is unconscionable.
1593
01:12:54,402 --> 01:12:55,391
Ridiculous.
1594
01:12:57,805 --> 01:12:58,897
Hey.
1595
01:13:01,342 --> 01:13:02,502
So...
1596
01:13:04,212 --> 01:13:05,873
...none of this was real?
1597
01:13:05,947 --> 01:13:07,244
That's not true.
1598
01:13:08,850 --> 01:13:11,182
Wait, Monica. Monica, wait.
1599
01:13:11,552 --> 01:13:12,780
Monica.
1600
01:13:16,557 --> 01:13:17,922
Sorry, man.
1601
01:13:17,992 --> 01:13:19,789
It's cool. We tried.
1602
01:15:13,741 --> 01:15:15,140
Have you completely lost your mind?
1603
01:15:15,209 --> 01:15:17,973
Guys, the state defines a
college as a body of people...
1604
01:15:18,045 --> 01:15:20,411
...with a shared common
purpose of a higher education.
1605
01:15:20,481 --> 01:15:21,607
Well that's us, isn't it?
1606
01:15:21,682 --> 01:15:24,048
I mean, you know, with the word
"higher" kind of loosely defined.
1607
01:15:24,118 --> 01:15:26,882
Uh, yeah. He's completely lost his mind.
1608
01:15:26,954 --> 01:15:28,649
No, no. Listen, all we have to do...
1609
01:15:28,723 --> 01:15:30,350
...is go before the
state accrediting board...
1610
01:15:30,425 --> 01:15:32,620
...with a licensed administrator,
and just present our case.
1611
01:15:32,693 --> 01:15:35,184
B, look, let's just
cut our losses, okay?
1612
01:15:35,797 --> 01:15:37,321
What are we talking about here, huh?
1613
01:15:37,432 --> 01:15:38,729
We're talking about a
stupid piece of paper.
1614
01:15:38,800 --> 01:15:40,097
I mean, if a stupid piece of paper...
1615
01:15:40,168 --> 01:15:42,068
...is what's gonna make us acceptable...
1616
01:15:42,136 --> 01:15:43,933
...then let's go for it. Why not?
1617
01:15:44,005 --> 01:15:46,473
'Cause you gotta remember, it's
not just about us anymore, okay?
1618
01:15:46,541 --> 01:15:48,600
It's about everyone who
went to South Harmon.
1619
01:15:50,211 --> 01:15:51,906
Ah, great speech.
1620
01:15:52,246 --> 01:15:54,339
I was inspired, I felt inspired by it.
1621
01:15:54,515 --> 01:15:56,449
Thanks a lot, I'm...
I'm taking it on tour.
1622
01:15:56,517 --> 01:15:57,609
What are you doing here?
1623
01:15:57,685 --> 01:16:00,347
Aw, I don't know. I had...
I had to pick up some stuff.
1624
01:16:00,421 --> 01:16:03,720
Some sage. Eggplant.
Olive oil. Some Funyuns.
1625
01:16:05,092 --> 01:16:06,286
Wait a minute.
1626
01:16:06,394 --> 01:16:07,656
Come on!
1627
01:16:07,728 --> 01:16:09,958
You're the one that applied
for accreditation, aren't you?
1628
01:16:10,031 --> 01:16:12,295
Well, someone had to do it, you know?
1629
01:16:12,366 --> 01:16:14,391
We all can't live with
our heads up our asses.
1630
01:16:14,469 --> 01:16:16,630
I disagree. I... I don't get it, man.
1631
01:16:16,704 --> 01:16:18,262
You said you didn't wanna
be a part of this thing.
1632
01:16:18,339 --> 01:16:20,204
I didn't want to have
anything to do with it.
1633
01:16:20,274 --> 01:16:23,471
I wanted to be the fourth generation
of Schrader to go to Harmon.
1634
01:16:23,544 --> 01:16:24,636
But then I realized...
1635
01:16:24,712 --> 01:16:27,237
I would much rather be the
first generation of Schrader...
1636
01:16:27,315 --> 01:16:29,909
...to go to the South Harmon
Institute of Technology.
1637
01:16:29,984 --> 01:16:31,383
I said it, okay? I said it.
1638
01:16:31,452 --> 01:16:33,010
So you're saying...
1639
01:16:33,087 --> 01:16:34,816
...you're saying you want
to be a S.H.I.T. Head?
1640
01:16:35,289 --> 01:16:37,621
I'm sayin' I want to be a S.H.I.T. Head.
1641
01:16:37,692 --> 01:16:38,716
I wanna be a S.H.I.T. Head.
1642
01:16:38,793 --> 01:16:40,818
Yeah, man, well, it's good
to have you back, buddy.
1643
01:16:41,796 --> 01:16:43,024
Yes. Yeah!
1644
01:16:43,097 --> 01:16:44,155
Yay!
1645
01:16:44,232 --> 01:16:45,426
All right, so we're doing it.
1646
01:16:45,500 --> 01:16:48,128
Thanks to this S.H.I.T. Head,
we got a hearing set for Friday.
1647
01:16:55,109 --> 01:16:56,269
Don't sweat it, kid. I'm all over it.
1648
01:16:56,344 --> 01:16:58,073
All right, please remember,
Ben, this is serious, all right?
1649
01:16:58,145 --> 01:16:59,305
If this doesn't work,
I'm going to prison.
1650
01:16:59,380 --> 01:17:01,575
Oh, don't worry, you're
young. Your butt can take it.
1651
01:17:01,649 --> 01:17:03,742
Hello, sir. Um, we're from South Harmon.
1652
01:17:03,818 --> 01:17:05,911
We have a 3:00 in Hearing Room A.
1653
01:17:05,987 --> 01:17:09,286
Okay, actually your meeting room's
been changed to the Grand Hall.
1654
01:17:09,357 --> 01:17:11,518
Why the change? It's bigger.
1655
01:17:17,899 --> 01:17:19,696
How did they... Rory called them.
1656
01:17:19,767 --> 01:17:20,825
The whole school?
1657
01:17:20,902 --> 01:17:22,369
I had to do something.
1658
01:17:24,572 --> 01:17:27,234
This meeting of the State Board
of Education will come to order.
1659
01:17:27,308 --> 01:17:30,368
Today we'll be hearing the
case for accreditation...
1660
01:17:30,444 --> 01:17:33,140
...for the South Harmon
Institute of Technology.
1661
01:17:33,214 --> 01:17:36,047
Your case for accreditation
is being contested...
1662
01:17:36,117 --> 01:17:37,846
...by Dean Richard Van Horne...
1663
01:17:37,919 --> 01:17:39,477
...representing Harmon College.
1664
01:17:44,225 --> 01:17:45,658
Loser. Loser.
1665
01:17:45,760 --> 01:17:48,627
In order to become accredited...
1666
01:17:49,063 --> 01:17:51,623
...a school must meet
three requirements.
1667
01:17:51,699 --> 01:17:55,157
You must have a facility,
a curriculum and a faculty.
1668
01:17:56,003 --> 01:17:57,436
Please state your case.
1669
01:17:57,772 --> 01:17:59,330
You're on, kid.
1670
01:17:59,907 --> 01:18:02,341
What? Wha... I thought you were
gonna handle this. What are you doing?
1671
01:18:02,410 --> 01:18:04,605
Rule number one, lead
with your star witness.
1672
01:18:04,679 --> 01:18:07,773
Nobody knows South Harmon and
these kids better than you.
1673
01:18:07,848 --> 01:18:09,543
So, it's showtime.
1674
01:18:09,617 --> 01:18:11,175
Let's kick some ass.
1675
01:18:11,552 --> 01:18:14,077
You're gonna be great,
man. Just go do your thing.
1676
01:18:14,455 --> 01:18:16,047
Sling some bull.
1677
01:18:16,891 --> 01:18:18,153
Oh, God.
1678
01:18:18,693 --> 01:18:19,819
Okay.
1679
01:18:20,761 --> 01:18:21,989
Uh...
1680
01:18:22,997 --> 01:18:25,488
...ladies and gentlemen of the
panel, thank you for meeting with us.
1681
01:18:25,566 --> 01:18:28,865
Um, my name's Bartleby Gaines
and I'm the co-founder of...
1682
01:18:28,936 --> 01:18:30,665
South Harmon Institute of Technology.
1683
01:18:42,016 --> 01:18:44,075
Sorry. Friends of mine.
1684
01:18:44,852 --> 01:18:46,649
Um, I'm... I'm sorry, first of all...
1685
01:18:46,721 --> 01:18:48,245
...w
- what were those three things that you listed?
1686
01:18:48,322 --> 01:18:51,086
A facility, a curriculum and a faculty.
1687
01:18:51,158 --> 01:18:52,250
Facility, right.
1688
01:18:52,326 --> 01:18:54,191
Okay, well, we definitely
have a facility.
1689
01:18:54,261 --> 01:18:57,321
Uh, we have a common
room, we have dorm rooms.
1690
01:18:57,698 --> 01:18:59,427
Uh, we have a skateboard ramp.
1691
01:18:59,500 --> 01:19:00,990
We got a tiki bar. Umm...
1692
01:19:01,068 --> 01:19:03,730
They have leased an old mental hospital.
1693
01:19:03,838 --> 01:19:06,033
They have none of the
traditional support facilities...
1694
01:19:06,107 --> 01:19:07,199
...or resources.
1695
01:19:07,274 --> 01:19:10,675
Mr. Gaines, do you have a
formal athletic facility?
1696
01:19:10,745 --> 01:19:13,009
Okay, uh, by formal you mean...
1697
01:19:15,750 --> 01:19:17,217
No. No, we don't.
1698
01:19:17,284 --> 01:19:18,649
A library?
1699
01:19:20,588 --> 01:19:21,646
No.
1700
01:19:21,722 --> 01:19:23,917
A health services center? No.
1701
01:19:24,925 --> 01:19:25,983
No.
1702
01:19:28,429 --> 01:19:29,828
Your curriculum?
1703
01:19:29,897 --> 01:19:31,125
Our curriculum? Yes.
1704
01:19:31,198 --> 01:19:35,100
Do you have a course book? A comprehensive
list of your available classes?
1705
01:19:35,169 --> 01:19:38,195
Oh, yeah, absolutely.
Uh, Sunshine. Can you...
1706
01:19:50,251 --> 01:19:51,616
What is this?
1707
01:19:51,686 --> 01:19:54,519
Our curriculum. These are the
courses we offer at South Harmon.
1708
01:19:55,523 --> 01:19:58,617
This is a joke. "Slacking 101"?
1709
01:19:58,693 --> 01:20:00,957
Uh, tell me, Mr. Gaines...
1710
01:20:01,028 --> 01:20:03,223
...how does one major
in bumper stickers?
1711
01:20:03,898 --> 01:20:04,922
Sir, um...
1712
01:20:04,999 --> 01:20:06,091
I'm sorry, Mr. Gaines.
1713
01:20:06,167 --> 01:20:08,397
I fail to see any merit...
1714
01:20:08,469 --> 01:20:11,927
...or scholastic value in
anything listed on that board.
1715
01:20:12,406 --> 01:20:14,806
Okay, uh, guys, you
want to help me out here?
1716
01:20:14,875 --> 01:20:16,900
In "Taking A Walk and
Thinking About Stuff,"
1717
01:20:16,977 --> 01:20:19,002
...we get to think about what
we want to do with our lives...
1718
01:20:19,080 --> 01:20:20,775
...in a stress-free environment.
1719
01:20:21,248 --> 01:20:24,706
"Let It Speak To You 202" is an art
class in which we discover our talents...
1720
01:20:24,785 --> 01:20:27,083
...by examining our
personal life experiences.
1721
01:20:27,154 --> 01:20:30,419
In "Skateboarding 234" we built a ramp
that teaches us about engineering...
1722
01:20:30,491 --> 01:20:32,152
And physics. And aerodynamics.
1723
01:20:32,226 --> 01:20:34,126
In "Rock Our Faces Off 222"
1724
01:20:34,195 --> 01:20:37,562
...we listen to the music and
lyrical angst of a lost generation.
1725
01:20:37,865 --> 01:20:39,230
And we rock our faces off.
1726
01:20:44,371 --> 01:20:45,565
They do.
1727
01:20:47,942 --> 01:20:50,274
Do you have faculty present?
1728
01:20:50,711 --> 01:20:51,837
Yes, we do, sir.
1729
01:20:52,813 --> 01:20:54,371
Faculty, stand.
1730
01:20:58,285 --> 01:20:59,684
What is the meaning of this?
1731
01:20:59,754 --> 01:21:01,847
See, at South Harmon, sir,
the students are the teachers.
1732
01:21:01,922 --> 01:21:03,787
Aw, this is preposterous.
1733
01:21:03,858 --> 01:21:06,884
Students are not and cannot be teachers.
1734
01:21:07,061 --> 01:21:08,323
Dean Van Horne is right.
1735
01:21:08,395 --> 01:21:12,593
You must have a faculty as defined by
the state, or you cannot be accredited.
1736
01:21:16,837 --> 01:21:20,864
Mr. Gaines, have you
employed a faculty or not?
1737
01:21:24,845 --> 01:21:25,971
Um...
1738
01:21:29,183 --> 01:21:30,480
Present and accounted for.
1739
01:21:30,551 --> 01:21:31,609
Oh, for God's sake.
1740
01:21:31,685 --> 01:21:35,485
Dr. Alexander, this man has not been
a part of academia for three decades.
1741
01:21:35,556 --> 01:21:37,990
We were on the faculty together
at Harmon in our late 20s...
1742
01:21:38,058 --> 01:21:39,286
...and he washed out.
1743
01:21:39,360 --> 01:21:42,352
He's a drunk, he's a degenerate,
and he's looney tunes.
1744
01:21:42,429 --> 01:21:44,989
Hey, asshole! You're talking
about my mom's brother!
1745
01:21:45,065 --> 01:21:47,056
Oh, sit down! Okay.
1746
01:21:47,134 --> 01:21:50,934
Hey! Why don't you take your
PhD and shove it up your A-S-S?
1747
01:21:56,844 --> 01:21:59,506
Settle down right this minute!
1748
01:21:59,580 --> 01:22:02,447
Dean Lewis! Sit down.
1749
01:22:03,417 --> 01:22:04,611
Order!
1750
01:22:06,287 --> 01:22:07,311
Couldn't help myself.
1751
01:22:07,388 --> 01:22:09,413
So, is that it, Mr. Gaines?
1752
01:22:09,490 --> 01:22:13,620
You have one formal teacher
for upwards of 300 students?
1753
01:22:16,130 --> 01:22:17,529
Mr. Gaines.
1754
01:22:18,766 --> 01:22:20,290
Answer the question.
1755
01:22:20,367 --> 01:22:21,959
Nah, I'm not gonna
answer your question...
1756
01:22:22,036 --> 01:22:23,731
'cause you guys have
already made up your minds.
1757
01:22:23,838 --> 01:22:24,896
I'm an expert in rejection...
1758
01:22:24,972 --> 01:22:26,633
...and I can see it on your faces.
1759
01:22:26,707 --> 01:22:29,073
And it's too bad that you
judge us by the way we look...
1760
01:22:29,143 --> 01:22:30,906
...and not by who we are.
1761
01:22:30,978 --> 01:22:32,878
Just because you want us
to be more like them...
1762
01:22:32,947 --> 01:22:34,437
...when the truth is
we're not like them.
1763
01:22:34,515 --> 01:22:36,779
And I am damn proud of that fact.
1764
01:22:39,053 --> 01:22:40,452
Rock on!
1765
01:22:41,989 --> 01:22:43,183
I mean...
1766
01:22:44,091 --> 01:22:47,583
Harmon College and their... And
their 100 years of tradition.
1767
01:22:47,661 --> 01:22:49,151
But tradition of what?
1768
01:22:49,230 --> 01:22:50,754
Of hazing kids...
1769
01:22:51,498 --> 01:22:54,092
...and humiliating anyone
who's a little bit different?
1770
01:22:54,168 --> 01:22:55,260
Of putting so much pressure on kids...
1771
01:22:55,336 --> 01:22:57,566
...they turn into these... These
stress freaks and caffeine addicts.
1772
01:22:57,638 --> 01:23:00,835
Your phony school demeans
real colleges everywhere!
1773
01:23:00,908 --> 01:23:03,775
Why? Why can't we both exist? Huh?
1774
01:23:03,844 --> 01:23:05,505
You can have your
grades, and your rules...
1775
01:23:05,579 --> 01:23:07,410
...and your structure,
and your ivory towers...
1776
01:23:07,481 --> 01:23:08,607
...and then we'll do things our way.
1777
01:23:08,682 --> 01:23:10,673
Why do we have to
conform to what you want?
1778
01:23:10,751 --> 01:23:13,982
Your curriculum is a joke,
and you, sir, are a criminal.
1779
01:23:14,054 --> 01:23:15,316
You know what? You're a criminal.
1780
01:23:15,389 --> 01:23:17,721
'Cause you rob these kids of
their creativity and their passion.
1781
01:23:17,791 --> 01:23:19,656
That's the real crime!
1782
01:23:19,727 --> 01:23:21,319
Yeah. Maybe he's right.
1783
01:23:24,198 --> 01:23:25,256
Well, what about you parents?
1784
01:23:25,332 --> 01:23:27,527
Did... Did the system
really work out for you?
1785
01:23:27,601 --> 01:23:29,193
Did it teach you to follow your heart...
1786
01:23:29,270 --> 01:23:31,534
...or to just play it safe, roll over?
1787
01:23:31,605 --> 01:23:33,095
What about you guys?
1788
01:23:33,173 --> 01:23:35,004
Did you always want to
be school administrators?
1789
01:23:35,075 --> 01:23:36,508
Dr. Alexander, was that your dream?
1790
01:23:36,577 --> 01:23:38,977
Or maybe no, maybe you
wanted to be a poet.
1791
01:23:39,513 --> 01:23:41,538
Maybe you wanted to be
a magician or an artist.
1792
01:23:41,615 --> 01:23:43,742
Maybe you just wanted
to travel the world.
1793
01:23:43,817 --> 01:23:46,047
Look, I... I... I... I lied to you.
1794
01:23:46,220 --> 01:23:47,653
I lied to all of you, and I'm sorry.
1795
01:23:47,721 --> 01:23:49,211
Dad, especially to you.
1796
01:23:49,290 --> 01:23:52,748
But out of that desperation,
something happened that was so amazing.
1797
01:23:52,826 --> 01:23:54,123
Life was full of possibilities.
1798
01:23:54,194 --> 01:23:56,355
A- A-And isn't that what
you ultimately want for us?
1799
01:23:56,430 --> 01:23:59,661
As parents, I mean, is...
is that, is possibilities.
1800
01:24:02,269 --> 01:24:04,066
Well, we came here today
to ask for your approval...
1801
01:24:04,138 --> 01:24:06,231
...and something just occurred to me.
1802
01:24:06,307 --> 01:24:08,104
I don't give a shit!
1803
01:24:08,509 --> 01:24:09,942
Who cares about your approval?
1804
01:24:10,010 --> 01:24:12,808
We don't need your approval to
tell us that what we did was real.
1805
01:24:12,880 --> 01:24:14,541
'Cause there are so few
truths in this world...
1806
01:24:14,615 --> 01:24:16,242
...that when you see one, you know it.
1807
01:24:16,317 --> 01:24:18,012
And I know that it is a truth...
1808
01:24:18,085 --> 01:24:19,916
...that real learning
took place at South Harmon.
1809
01:24:19,987 --> 01:24:21,716
Whether you like it or not, it did.
1810
01:24:21,789 --> 01:24:24,053
'Cause you don't need
teachers or classrooms...
1811
01:24:24,124 --> 01:24:26,615
...or... Or fancy highbrow
traditions or money to really learn.
1812
01:24:26,694 --> 01:24:28,821
You just need people with a
desire to better themselves...
1813
01:24:28,896 --> 01:24:31,729
...and we got that by the
shitload at South Harmon.
1814
01:24:31,799 --> 01:24:34,199
So you can go ahead, sign your forms...
1815
01:24:34,268 --> 01:24:36,930
...reject us and shoot us down,
and do whatever you gotta do.
1816
01:24:37,004 --> 01:24:38,733
It doesn't really matter at this point.
1817
01:24:38,806 --> 01:24:40,103
Because we'll never stop learning...
1818
01:24:40,174 --> 01:24:41,436
...and we'll never stop growing...
1819
01:24:41,508 --> 01:24:43,772
...and we'll never forget the
ideals that were instilled in us...
1820
01:24:43,844 --> 01:24:45,072
...at our place.
1821
01:24:45,145 --> 01:24:46,612
'Cause we are S.H.I.T. Heads now...
1822
01:24:46,680 --> 01:24:48,204
...and we'll be
S.H.I.T. Heads forever...
1823
01:24:48,282 --> 01:24:50,341
...and nothing you can
say or do or stamp...
1824
01:24:50,417 --> 01:24:52,317
...can take that away from us! So go!
1825
01:24:58,659 --> 01:24:59,990
Go ahead!
1826
01:25:04,932 --> 01:25:06,126
Everyone...
1827
01:25:06,200 --> 01:25:08,031
...please, quiet down.
1828
01:25:08,469 --> 01:25:10,232
Everyone, please quiet down.
1829
01:25:10,571 --> 01:25:12,198
Quiet down. Please.
1830
01:25:14,174 --> 01:25:15,505
Thank you.
1831
01:25:29,890 --> 01:25:31,289
Mr. Gaines...
1832
01:25:32,026 --> 01:25:35,154
...your presentation was unorthodox...
1833
01:25:35,362 --> 01:25:36,659
...to say the least...
1834
01:25:36,730 --> 01:25:38,357
...and your methodology is...
1835
01:25:38,432 --> 01:25:40,229
questionable at best.
1836
01:25:40,300 --> 01:25:41,392
However...
1837
01:25:41,468 --> 01:25:45,495
...the true purpose of education
is to stimulate the creativity...
1838
01:25:45,572 --> 01:25:47,904
...and the passions of the student body.
1839
01:25:47,975 --> 01:25:50,876
And in that regard you
have certainly succeeded.
1840
01:25:52,112 --> 01:25:55,604
This board does not reject innovation...
1841
01:25:55,682 --> 01:25:57,809
...but it must be watched carefully.
1842
01:25:57,885 --> 01:25:59,216
Therefore...
1843
01:25:59,887 --> 01:26:02,014
...the South Harmon
Institute of Technology...
1844
01:26:02,089 --> 01:26:05,252
...will be granted a one-year
probationary period...
1845
01:26:05,325 --> 01:26:08,761
...in which to continue
its experimental programs.
1846
01:26:10,064 --> 01:26:13,261
Don't be so quick to judge
us by the way we look.
1847
01:26:14,001 --> 01:26:15,298
Congratulations.
1848
01:26:30,451 --> 01:26:31,850
Mr. Gaines?
1849
01:26:32,786 --> 01:26:33,912
Trombone.
1850
01:26:33,987 --> 01:26:35,079
What?
1851
01:26:35,155 --> 01:26:37,282
I wanted to play jazz trombone.
1852
01:26:38,592 --> 01:26:40,560
It's never too late, sir.
1853
01:26:40,627 --> 01:26:41,992
Thank you.
1854
01:26:51,305 --> 01:26:52,465
Hey. Hey.
1855
01:26:52,539 --> 01:26:54,063
What are you doing here?
1856
01:26:54,141 --> 01:26:56,609
I don't know. There were just
a lot of things in my life...
1857
01:26:56,677 --> 01:26:59,407
...that I thought were real
that ended up being fake.
1858
01:26:59,480 --> 01:27:02,108
So, why can't the opposite be true?
1859
01:27:16,130 --> 01:27:20,533
This is not your orientation.
This is your disorientation.
1860
01:27:20,601 --> 01:27:23,229
You have been orientated for years.
1861
01:27:23,303 --> 01:27:25,430
Don't come up to me, go
"Where am I gonna get that?"
1862
01:27:25,506 --> 01:27:28,168
I'm not interested! You figure it out.
1863
01:27:28,609 --> 01:27:30,236
I only wanted big
things for you, Bartleby.
1864
01:27:30,310 --> 01:27:31,743
I'd say this is pretty big.
1865
01:27:31,812 --> 01:27:33,439
Thanks, Dad. Ah!
1866
01:27:34,281 --> 01:27:35,339
Thanks, Pop.
1867
01:27:35,415 --> 01:27:37,383
Okay, honey, I want you
to have a good semester.
1868
01:27:37,451 --> 01:27:39,817
Okay, I will. I love
you. Lizzie, up top.
1869
01:27:41,655 --> 01:27:43,179
Wasn't enthusiastic, but I'll take it.
1870
01:27:43,257 --> 01:27:44,849
And I appreciate the smile.
1871
01:27:44,925 --> 01:27:47,291
Schrads! Hey, no time
for chit-chat, my friend.
1872
01:27:47,361 --> 01:27:50,057
I'm teaching "Skepticism 401." Sha-mon!
1873
01:27:50,197 --> 01:27:52,256
At South Harmon, we like
to begin each semester...
1874
01:27:52,332 --> 01:27:55,699
...by clearing our minds and
doing some deep breathing.
1875
01:27:56,603 --> 01:28:00,334
I got 85 pork tenderloins with
balsamic vinegar demiglaze. Ka-blam!
1876
01:28:00,574 --> 01:28:03,008
Eddie, we gotta pack these
paninis for Rory's nature walk.
1877
01:28:03,076 --> 01:28:04,270
Pronto!
1878
01:28:04,645 --> 01:28:07,136
And someone get a rabbi down
here to bless this chicken.
1879
01:28:07,214 --> 01:28:09,307
Tomorrow we're gonna go kosher.
1880
01:28:09,917 --> 01:28:12,010
South Harmon actually
allowed me the opportunity...
1881
01:28:12,085 --> 01:28:13,643
...to rediscover my
passion for the arts.
1882
01:28:13,720 --> 01:28:16,086
So I urge you guys to do the
same. Let it come from the heart.
1883
01:28:16,156 --> 01:28:18,920
Let it come from inside. And...
And let the art speak for itself.
1884
01:28:18,992 --> 01:28:20,516
You agree? Watch... Watch the tip.
1885
01:28:20,694 --> 01:28:21,991
Excuse me.
1886
01:28:22,062 --> 01:28:23,222
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
1887
01:28:23,297 --> 01:28:25,993
If you're gonna take my picture,
you gotta take it from my good side.
1888
01:28:26,066 --> 01:28:27,897
Um, so there wouldn't happen
to be anybody around...
1889
01:28:27,968 --> 01:28:30,232
...that could show me to my
new dorm room, would there?
1890
01:28:30,304 --> 01:28:33,296
As fate would have it, I recall
your room being right next to mine.
1891
01:28:33,407 --> 01:28:34,931
Really? They're not
adjoining though, right?
1892
01:28:35,008 --> 01:28:37,033
Oh, no, no, no. That would
be totally unacceptable.
1893
01:28:38,011 --> 01:28:40,411
And do me a favor. Enjoy your time here.
1894
01:28:40,480 --> 01:28:43,176
You got four years, these are
the best years of your life.
1895
01:28:43,250 --> 01:28:45,013
And then, you're.
1896
01:29:05,505 --> 01:29:06,938
I told you.
1897
01:29:07,305 --> 01:29:13,178
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