Original subtitles

What's going on? What's going on?

Could you just sign this for me, man?

Could you hit that up for me, please? All right, sure.

I would be an honor, and I can't wait to display it.

You know, this is a yanni cd, right?

Yeah. I-I don't see the problem.

Hey, yo...

Let's just get this started.

Are you kidding me?

Who's a good cat?

Narrator: With special guest, method man.

This is going to be "a whole" lot of fun.

Today we're working at the Liberty science center

as scientists, and we've hired

some new assistants to help us in the lab.

While working with our lackeys.

We'll have to do and say what we're told.

And if you refuse, you know what happens.

You lose.

A volcano.

All right, murr, we're in.

"Atmosphere."

Oh!

Yeah.

You don't want to know what happens

if you cross the laser.

You have to show your assistant where that laser beam is,

and then you have to avoid it at all times.

You are my assistant today. There is a laser here.

Watch. Watch. You see it?

See it?

Don't let him pass that laser, buddy.

Don't cross the laser.

You have to go underneath it, okay?

That's it.

Make him go back and forth a bunch of times.

Oh, you know, grab a lab coat for yourself right over there.

There you go. Very good.

Okay, just watch that.

Get under there. Get under there.

Oh, you know, grab the green gloves

that are over there, too. Watch that. Very good.

Oh, you know, let's grab the thing

with the green cap on it. Be careful there, okay?

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Very good. Close, but we we got it.

Okay, great.

Okay. So welcome to my lab.

So this is a particle accelerator.

Come on over. What do you do?

My next job is a Dean for a high school. I got a job...

We have a soundboard here that controls that female voice.

You know, the computer has detected a lie.

That is the truth, though.

It's a really incredible system.

It is myself constructed and designed.

It is the...

Well, I didn't build it. Mit built it.

They just lent it to me.

All right.

Thank you, computer. It's tonight.

It's every other Sunday.

Can I say something?

I am a virgin.

Ohh.

I just wanted to...

No. It got it right!

When you tried to lie to the ai,

it called you out on it. It knows.

For example, I am a virgin.

For example, I am a virgin.

When I was a virgin,

I've always wanted to give it a try.

But losing it is nothing special. Having it...

You're saying that I'm not missing much

by being a 45-year-old virgin,

not at all, honestly.

One second. Sorry about that.

Hey, are you the yellow lamborghini outside?

Yes, it's me.

We have an ambulance that we need to bring in.

No, you can't.

These particles aren't gonna accelerate themselves.

I'm sorry.

Well, they will accelerate themselves.

But I have to be here to monitor the particles. I can't...

Oh, I don't have to witness what we do, computer.

We control the fan from right here.

Let them move around it. I'm not mov...

Jeez. Oh!

James. James, hurry up. Get these.

I'll be honest. I don't give a shit about the ambulance. Fair enough?

There you go. I'm not moving it.

Murr, walk out, and when you walk past the laser,

just zap and drop to the floor.

You want to get out of here?

Take the lab coat off.

And, you know, one last thing I did want to tell you is...

Aah!

James: Sir?

Computer, what happens if you get hit by the laser?

This is base to lab, base to lab.

Is everything okay? We had a trigger on the laser.

Everyone's not okay.

Dr. Murray, is that you?

No, I am James, the assistant.

Are you a virgin?

No.

If there are any pink liquids in a tube,

just pour it on his face.

I see the pink liquid.

He crawls under the laser!

I love him. I actually love him.

Great Caesar's ghost! Did I walk into the laser?

Yes, you did.

Murr, hit the laser again.

Aah!

Murr: All right, buddy.

When your lab assistant walks in,

I want you to greet her immediately

and say, "ah, you must be the girl from the agency.

Enter, enter. There's very little time."

Ah, you must be the woman from the agency. Yeah.

Oh, great. Come in, come in. There's very little time.

Okay. Okay.

Murr: "You are familiar with science, aren't you?"

You are familiar with science, right?

Of course, yes.

I trust you have all your affairs in order.

I trust you have all your affairs in order?

Yeah. Okay.

What's your kidney sitch? You got one or you got that extra one, too?

What is your kidney situation?

You have one, or you have the extra?

I have all two normal.

Sal, she looks a little nervous.

Just keep insisting to her that you're not gonna hurt her.

Okay, I want you to know right now,

I mean, it'll be a lot of fun today.

I'm not gonna hurt you... Nothing like that.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Keep emphasizing that you're doing this all for your family.

Everything that I do here, and this is important for you to know...

Everything I do here...

it's for my family.

Oh.

Print all of the elements that begin with "a."

She's now your experiment.

Mumble everything she's doing

just loud enough that she can hear it.

Okay, subject appears to be over 30.

The subject did not notice the needle jab.

The subject did not notice the needle jab.

Any moment, the subject's transformation will be complete.

At any moment, the subject's transformation

shall be complete.

Murr: Sal, you're scared of everything on that table.

These are deadly, deadly liquids.

If you just take... Just take that.

Yeah, that's it, that's it.

This could blow at any moment, bud.

Look at how carefully she's handling it.

Ethel, now you just take that...

And just sat down next to it.

So here's what we're gonna do.

You're gonna take the red one.

Yeah, you can take that red one, the red one,

and then just pour that red one into the larger one.

Ethel, try very hard not to breathe.

Just try hard not to breathe.

Ooh.

Yeah, sal, every time she pours the liquid, run away.

Take that.

Okay.

Yeah, sal. Hide.

It's all for my family, Ethel.

It's all for... this is all for my family, Ethel.

Everything I do is for my family.

So, I just, here at the Liberty science center,

just happen to be working on an interdimensional portal.

There's gonna be there's not a single ounce of credibility

during this turn at all.

Hi! I'm here!

Siobhan.

I'm a scien-tits.

I'm a scien-tits. Um...

Ready for this? Yes.

Yeah. This is gender fluid.

You know what that is? That's... that's gender fluid.

Have you heard about that?

No. Yeah, that's gender fluid.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So let's try... Let's see what we can do.

Okay, there's smoke coming out. Q, what is going on?

Murr: Type furiously to activate the interdimensional portal.

Sal: Someone's coming in through the portal of another dimension.

What is going on?

Hey, what is your name?

My name is Brian gunk.

Well, my name is Brian gunk.

Q, that's a better-looking version of you

from another dimension.

You're me?

What happened, dude? What happened to this?

We used to have this.

Did McDonald's run the country?

All right, all right, all right.

I'm still a fireman in my dimension.

You're a scientist-fireman in your dimension?

Yeah, I study fire. Pyrokinetics.

You still fight fires?

No. I used to fight fires.

Look, I got lives to save.

Pleasure. Try to give a shit again, huh?

I can just assume from this point on

that we're just gonna have all sorts

of interdimensional shenanigans.

Q, I think the only thing left

is for you to go through the time portal.

I'm going to try going through the portal.

Are you gonna take this journey with me?

Sure. Yes. Yeah?

All right, let's start this machine up.

All right, q, run around outside the building

and come back in the other way.

Sal: So stupid. Here we go. Here we go.

Whoa!

Siobhan. Siobhan deserves a medal.

Keep hitting the spacebar! Keep hitting the spacebar!

What year is it? What year is it?

What year is it? 2022.

2022 still?!

You could hear him running and huffing and puffing.

He's all tattered up.

I went back to dinosaur times.

You think... You buying any of this?

Yeah.

Narrator: The guys had it down to a science,

keeping them all off the loser board.

We have been waiting so long to get this lesson.

Okay, well, you know, it has to be tight.

You know, you're dealing with stems,

sticks, seeds... Things of that nature.

You're rolling it like that? Tight?

I mean, that is the most beautiful flower

I've ever seen in my entire life.

I agree.

Well, I mean...

Right?

And you make that from this?

Yes.

Today, we are participating in a group survey,

where our survey answers have been written by the other guys.

But this time we'll be swapping surveys

with the other participants.

We'll be reading their answers,

and they'll be reading "our" answers.

Now, normally the goal is to not laugh,

but today it's gonna be even harder.

The goal is not even to smirk.

We're counting any facial movement,

and whoever smirks the most loses.

Sal and Charlie?

Sal, Charlie, yeah.

Okay. Very nice to meet you, gentlemen.

Murr: So sharron is the moderator.

She's our inside person.

Sal is gonna read Charlie's answer.

Charlie's gonna read sal's answers.

Sal cannot laugh.

Can you guys swap your binders?

Sometimes it's nice to hear from a different perspective

your own words. - Good luck with this, sal.

Sal, I want you to read Charlie's answer for us.

"I dress to fit in, not stand out."

Yeah, that's... yeah.

Charlie, let's read sal's answer.

"How do the things you wear affect who you are?"

"Sometimes the things I wear are wet,

and that makes me wet, too."

One.

Sharron: Let's hear sal's answer, Charlie.

"I hit my brother with a pipe over a monopoly dispute,

and now his tongue doesn't sit right."

We were doing a Reno in the house.

There was a pipe nearby. I didn't mean it, but I hit him.

I hit him in the mouth with a pipe, and, uh...

Murr: I headed right to jail.

I-I...

Can we get sal's answer on that?

Murr: Here we go.

Planes bad. Computers bad. Fire bad."

Fire buried wouldn't be bad."

He's gone. Sal's gone.

Yeah. We knew he wasn't gonna win this.

Okay, so, Charlie, we'll go with you first.

Baba booey.

Yeah, that's your answer?

Is he actually crying?

He's crying.

Just say, "fire bad."

Fire bad.

Baba booey.

I'm gonna ask that you swap binders.

Q, if you laugh or smirk, you lose.

Anna says, "critical thinking as a tool,

as opposed to a standardized test category is a must."

Let's hear Brian's answer.

"Lunches, baby. Give me that pizza.

Give me that burger. Give me that little milk carton.

Gimme, gimme, gimme."

Sal: It looks like you have heartburn right now.

"If you have to burp in public, burp into your shirt,

then blow it down your belly."

Murr: That's a smirk.

"Don't interact with anyone wearing anything UN-American."

Sal: Oh, my god!

Yeah. You notice he didn't smirk in that one?

No, yeah. He believes that one.

Let's hear Brian's answer.

"I ordered one meatball sub from the gas station near my house,

and the owner started calling me "the meatball man."

What's up, meatball man?

Mr. Meatball man. Meatballs!

The meatball man!

I mean, I don't want to be known as that.

All over Newark, I'm known as "meatballs."

Dude, I think it's the backwards hat.

It's...

But I look young.

I mean, I'm gonna be...

- Meatballs! - Meatballs!

- Meatballs! - Meatballs!

- Meatballs! - Meatballs!

Meatballs!

Okay, so...

My colleague wrote, "today's American family

is really any unit of two or more

who have mutual love and care for one another."

That's beautiful.

Let's see what Murray has to say.

"Many hands make for light work.

Five kids and a sturdy wife to pull the plow, and...

Sal: That's a smirk.

"And I certainly think that a family is also a team."

I strap Melissa up to that plow weekly.

M-m...

Melissa's my wife. I strap her to that plow weekly.

She's g... I do. Who's gonna till the corn?

"A good hotel will have a cleaning lady

willing to share some secret puddings with you."

Murray, that face is hysterical.

Sal: He looks psychotic.

I love pudding.

There's nothing I love more after a hard day of plowing.

There's...

There's very little in life I love more

after a hard day of my wife plowing...

than pudding.

Just a... is it a dairy farm, by the way?

No, no, no. I don't have cattle.

Sal: Unless you count my wife.

He's going down in flames now.

James has referenced January 6th.

"Yes, on January 6th of 2021,

we stormed the capitol and change the world.

We've got him. You're done.

I mean, I'll be the first to say it.

We did it. We changed the world...

On that day.

Don't you... right?

You have to... don't... Is any...

Murray, you all right there, bud?

No. Not that I was there. I'm just...

You want me to read his answer?

Narrator: Murr's not laughing now.

He's tonight's big loser.

Murr, my man, you lost.

I am so glad I'm not you right now.

Tonight, for your punishment, you will be a panelist

on a new television show called "real talk,"

hosted by the one and only... Our friend, method man.

All right, it's cool.

But we're also gonna be applying a device to your body,

a very specific part of your body, and it vibrates.

Let's just say this is going to be

"a whole" lot of fun.

The time has come.

Why don't you get behind the curtain there,

buddy, let's see this.

Make sure that son of a bitch is lubed up.

We...

Oh, my god, no, man.

The butt's out.

Murr: What are we doing?

I'm sweating.

Bro, is this happening right now, man?

Sal: Here we go. There he is, bud.

Hi, guys, how are you?

Got a stiff walk there, buddy.

Yeah. No ooh!

James is sitting on a panel

for method's man's new talk show, "real talk with meth."

During this conversation in front of this audience,

we are going to be controlling the insides of Murray.

This is a very vulnerable position to be in.

Sal: Here we go.

There you go, man!

How long have we wanted method man on the show?

I mean, before we had a TV show,

we wanted to do a TV show with method man.

I'm your host, method man,

and "real talk" is just that... Real talk.

Let's look at it as a chat room where everybody has a voice.

Well, you look miserable right now.

Today we have four experts.

You know, I just want to get right into it,

basically introduce themselves

and tell you what they do.

So we'll start with Matthew. Go ahead. Just...

Name... Matt zonas.

Do you want to give him a little jolt right now?

He's not expecting that.

Let's start very low. Let's do pulse .25.

And, you know, like most people, when we say,

"how did you come into my job"...

Sal: Oh!

"Hey, I want to do college admissions."

Murray, that's called pulse .25. Are you liking it?

Oh, I hear it!

We miked under his chair.

And then I can really change someone's life, in that,

if I'm someone around the world...

Okay, we can stop it for now.

You okay over there, James?

Um, yeah, great.

Just shifting.

Let's let me get to James real fast then.

Um, James, uh, go ahead. Introduce yourself, James.

How about fireworks .25?

My name's James Murray.

I work in TV development for a non-scripted reality TV company.

Really, it's just a... You know, anything...

We're interested in all types of TV shows.

Oh, my god.

I'm sweating. I'm sweating right now. Hoo!

Just to be real for a second,

who's the biggest asshole on TV?

That's a very topical, timely question.

Wave mode, half speed.

I don't think that's... aah!

Look at... look at him.

I think a lot of what makes a person whole

is whether they, you know... "Hole."

Was it, you know, was it in their formative years?

I don't get what the buzz is all about, honestly.

There should always be good vibes on set.

Always good vibes, you know?

Oh, my god. We're wrecking him.

-What's the most basic step someone can take

to up their physical fitness routine?

Walking. Taking the steps.

Hit him again, please.

It really does help you. Like, my dad...

Aah!

You got something to say, James?

For me, I just try to keep it as tight as possible.

Sal: Look at meth! Look at meth!

Trying not to laugh! Trying not to laugh!

I'm also a newlywed, so that keeps me, you know, busy.

So we're gonna move on. What makes a good password?

Let's go to earthquake .5.

One of the big things is using things like password manager...

Oh, my god.

Crank it up. Crank it up.

We'll talk. Yeah.

He can't take it! He can't take it!

Murr... are you okay, James?

Yeah, yeah. You can't get into the PlayStation?

Do you know what I really love about the PlayStation?

The vibration controllers?

Kind of puts you in the game, correct?

Oh, absolutely. You feel like you're right in it.

Right in it. That's a great way of putting it.

Let's do earthquake as high as it can go. Keep it on.

We see passwords getting cracked or broken instantly.

There's a ton of companies out there that do it.

You look up "password manager."

Hey, Murray, you okay? Murray, you okay?

I'm great. Doing great.

So as far as the fitness thing goes,

your blood flows better in the morning.

I work out at 7:00 A.M.!

But if you're trying to burn fat...

cold shower, then you go up in the gym.

Sal: Buddy, you look frantic.

Do you have to use the bathroom?

No, I got to go. I'm sorry. I got to go.

It has been a pleasure.

Well, I'm gonna conclude it. James just left.

That was interesting.

He was fidgeting before you came out.

Was he? A lot?

He said something before he sat down.

He just, like, whispered something

about, like, his butt or something.

Yeah. Oh, he's just one weird bald mother

yes!

Thank you. I appreciate it.

All right.

Amazing. Amazing, buddy. Amazing.