Original subtitles

Let's just get this started.

Are you kidding me?!

Who's a good cat?

Today, we're at morton williams

Getting our grocery shopping done.

However...

We'll be dressed fully in costume

As a character picked out by the other guys.

And we've got to do and say whatever they tell us to.

You've got to stay in character,

And if you refuse to do or say any of it, you lose.

What's my character?

Youare a character.

Murr: Alright.

-Oh, wow. Look at this. - yeah. Yeah.

So, sal, we told sal he had to be a euro bro.

-Love it. -Look at this guy.

Where's the music coming from, by the way?

It's just always around him.

Music comes from my nuts, bro.

Sal, just talk to a fellow customer.

Get into a conversation.

excuse me.

Do you know where is the...Olive?

Okay.

"in america, I see, uh, many..."

In america, I see many...

-"...How do you say? Uh..." -how you say...

"...Land whales."

"but you are very compact. Why?"

You are very compact. Why?

I'm looking around. I see many, ooh, land whales,

But you is very compact, fit.

Why is this?

-You're walking? -Yeah.

"you're like land penguin."

Thank you. You're more like land penguin, huh?

Just start a conversation

About the various meats for sale here.

-Excuse me. -Yeah?

This, uh -- this is chicken?

-This is pork loin. -Pork. Pork loin. Okay.

"which meat is for stamina?

I have a long night with a prostitute."

Which meat is for stamina?

Which -- is it beef for that?

I have a long night with prostitutes.

I need to...

This one here?

Pow. Prostitute.

Pow.

sal, can she take a photo of you?

Uh, give her your phone.

Excuse me. May I ask, please?

Uh, my girlfriend is home. May you take a photo of me?

A photo? Thank you so much.

Make these sexy photos, buddy.

Okay, now.

-Keep going. -And it's, uh -- keep going.

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Ready?

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

boom, boom, boom.

Boom, boom.

Oh, mwah. Thank you so much.

I haven't seen sal having this much fun in a long time.

boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

Oh, my god. Look at that.

query -- where's the cheese?

actually, murr sourced this

Entirely from his own closet.

murr, when somebody walks over to the buffet,

Skewer shrimp out with your cane.

Alright, murr, take that whistle out.

Be like, "where the is my bird?"

Where...

Where the is my bird?

Have you seen my bird?

Three. Another three. Another three.

"where is my goose?"

Where is my goose?

It was to be plucked and prepared.

Sir.

My goose was to be plucked and prepared.

you don't care about my goose?

Away with you, ragamuffin.

What is your name, sir?

Jay, a pleasure to meet you.

"shake my cane, jay. Shake my cane, jay."

Shake it like a gentleman. There you go, jay.

"I own trains and candles."

I own trains and candles, jay.

"I own so many trains and candles..."

Jay, I own so many trains and candles...

-"...I needed to buy..." -...I needed to buy...

"...A home to house them."

...A home to house them.

I'm up to my neck, jay, in raw candle materials

And other people's trains.

Riches away, jay. Surely I've struck gold.

murray -- murray owns a candle company

And a bunch of trains.

I'm in a bad spot, jay.

Murr, try and buy his head of hair off him.

Jay, how much for your head of hair?

Put your hand out, jay.

Spill gold coins at him.

That's right. Butcher, take his hair.

I want you to approach someone and say,

"excuse me, I need three pounds of carved goose."

alright. What is your name?

Brian?

Now, I'll need three pounds of carved ham,

Please, if you don't mind.

Snap, snap to it, boy.

-Servant. -"don't just walk away."

don't just walk away.

murray, chase him around.

Sal: Clap at him.

Servant boy. Servant boy.

Is it?

Aw. My two friends will say when it's over.

- yeah.

oh, my god. -Hey, man.

I actually really like you in this outfit.

-This is going to be fun. -You guys probably don't know

That there was cheech and chong and gunk.

I went, uh, method boys.

Well, here's something, and take this however you want.

Can't even tell that it's not your regular...

Just so you know, there's no difference right now.

Q, you see the melon there?

Try to pay somebody 20 bucks to smash it on the floor.

You want to smash this melon for 20 bucks, dude?

You're alright? Alright.

Sal: "you don't want to have the time of your life?"

You don't want to have the time of your life?

Q, get him back. "come here."

Pip-pip cheerio, brit man.

Come on, I'll give you £20

To just smash this on the floor as hard as you can.

"alright, you give me $20. I'll do it."

You give me $20. I'll do it.

$20?

Alright, what if we give it to her,

And we both give her $20 to smash the melon, man?

"I've never held a melon in my hand this long

And not smashed it."

I've never held a melon in my hand this long

And not smashed it.

I'm going to be honest with you.

I'm about to throw this melon, man.

I can't smash it.

Come on. Smash the

Smash the melon, man.

Smash that melon.

"if you don't smash the melon, I'm taking your girl."

Smash the melon. Smash that melon.

"if you don't smash that melon, I'm taking your girl."

If you don't -- if you don't smash that melon,

I'm going to take your british girl.

That's right. Smash the melon.

Smash the melon.

For once in your life, live.

Live and smash the melon.

-No one's getting arrested? -No one's getting arrested.

I promise.

Yeah.

Arrest this woman.

Murr: Q, this guy right behind you.

-You can go first, sir. -Oh.

Yeah, I don't even know what I want.

I'm still kind of, like, searching.

"hey, hey, where's the craziest place you ever took a dump?"

Where's the, uh...

Where do you -- where do you think

The craziest place... You ever --

You ever took a dump?

-"I'll go first." -I'll go first.

Mine --

Oh.

Wait, this guy had a response cocked and loaded?

Wow. Well...

Thank you for your service.

Alright. I think I'm going to call this one a day.

Alright. Thank you, sir.

I think that's a loss.

Narrator: Q's turn went up in smoke,

So he's first up on the loser board.

Today, we're posing as supervisors

At a telemarketing firm,

And we've hired someone to make cold calls

For charity donations.

We're going to be "helping" these new employees

By giving them sales tips

To help keep the person on the line.

Of course, these sales tips will be given to us

By the other guys.

Whoever gets their employee

To follow the most amount of sales tips wins.

-Alright, buddy. -Hi.

-This is sheila. -Hey, sheila.

Here we go, sal.

So we're called the manduke project. Yes.

We are a charity.

We're going to have you cold-calling some people

To ask them to re-up their donations.

-I'm ready. -You ready? Alright.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

The people that we're calling are, of course,

Our dear friends, joe, john, johnna.

Remember, you're just having a conversation.

-Alright. -Alright.

-Hey. Uh, hello? -Hi. My name is sheila,

And I'm calling from the manduke project.

Imburge, say, "hey, do you still have that pond for the ducks?"

Hey, uh, I have a question, actually.

Do you have that pond for the ducks

You built last year?

-Yes. Yes. -Yes.

-For the kids? -Yes.

Sal, tell her to say

That if they don't reach the quota this month,

They'll have to euthanize the ducks.

Tell him if we don't --

If we don't meet our quota this year,

We do have to euthanize the ducks.

So, um, you know, if we don't reach our quota,

Unfortunately...

We have to euthanize.

...We have to euthanize the ducks.

"wait. You're going to kill mr. Quacks?"

I'm sorry. I'm just a little in shock.

Are you saying you would have to kill mr. Quacks?

Murr: Say, "dead ducks walking."

Just say, "but if we don't meet the quota,

It's dead ducks walking."

So, um, if we don't meet our quota, then it's...

-Dead ducks walking.

...Dead ducks walking.

Joe:Oh, lord.

Let's be frank here. Let's just get to brass balls.

I'm going to probably do $300.

Okay, he wants three? Okay, okay, okay.

Murr: "oh, shuck me nuts.

I'm going to waive the digital processing fee."

-Okay. $300. Just say... -Is that okay?

..."you know what? We'll waive the digital processing fee,"

So be like, "$300? Shuck me nuts."

-If you're going to do $300... -And shuck it.

I'll waive the digital fees.

Okay. That's good to hear. "$300? I mean, shuck me nuts."

Yeah, but $300 means shucks me nuts.

Thanks. $400. Let's do it.

"$600 would save mr. Quacks."

Mr. Quacks will not s-survive with that donation.

this woman's in hell.

Murr: Sal have her ask him for $1,000.

If he doesn't take this deal,

It means that he doesn't know his nose from his balls.

-okay, this is it.

Say, "tell you what. Give me $1,000.

If you don't take the deal,

You don't know your nose from your balls."

He's going to take it. I feel it.

Why don't you give me $1,000? Yes?

-That's a good deal. -"you don't take this deal,

You don't know your nose from your balls."

No.

"you don't know your nose from your balls."

I'm not sure. Is that a good deal?

She's got to say this, bud.

If you don't take this $1,000, um...

You don't know your nose from your balls.

Wow.

Murr: Yeah!

You drive a hard bargain, ma'am.

Listen, I'm here to save mr. Quack's.

Sal: Alright, here we go.

-Let's do it. -You got it? Yeah.

One for the kids.

-Not a scam.

Hello?

Hi. Am I speaking to johnna scrabis?

Uh, yes.

This is christian calling from the manduke project.

I was wondering if you were willing to donate this year.

-I got to think about it. -I've dealt with her.

Murr: Q, let's start you off strong, buddy.

Tell him you're going to interrupt him, right?

Just start talking to her.

I'm going to come over to interrupt you. Okay.

"you yell at me, 'shut up, bitch. I'm talking to a vip.'"

And then you yell at me,

"shut up, bitch. I'm talking to a vip."

-Look at his face. -Watch. Watch the reaction.

Okay. Yeah. So -- so we're just raising money

For a new playground. Um --

Hey, christian, what's going on, bud?

Did you, uh, call that entire list yet?

Um, just -- just -- just shut up, please.

Hold on. Get out. Get out.

Okay. Alright, alright. Sorry, sorry.

Q, he did not call you a bitch.

How much do you think we could put you down for?

Like...?

-I don't know. -She loves video games.

Have him start talking to her in a -- in mario's voice.

Speak like mario.

We're going to make this woman laugh.

Just hang on. Go, "hello. It's a-me, christian."

Watch.

"it's a-me, christian."

She's going to laugh her ass off. Watch.

Christian, this works.

-He's surrounded. -Closer, son.

Alright. It's me, a-christian.

Johnna:Oh, you have princess peach on the line.

Sal: Q, every time she seems like she's souring,

Have him go, "whoo-hoo!"

What else did mario do? "whee-hee." right?

-Right. -Alright, so ask her how much

She could be put down for. -Yeah.

How much do you think we can put you down for?

Just trying to think, you know? "whoo-hoo." "whoo-hoo." "whoo-hoo."

Yeah, I understand. I understand.

Murr: he just won't do it.

"whoo-hoo."

-Uh... -"whoo-hoo."

Alright, now, q, "now tell them you're a.I."

christian:

She loves technology.

Tell her you're a.I.

Tell her you're a.I.

Tell her you're an a.I. Chatbot.

"legally, I have to let you know that I..."

So, johnna, legally, I have to let you know

That you've been speaking with an a.I. Chatbot.

No!

You sound so real.

"it's a-me, a.I."

"it's a-me, a.I." go on.

It's a-me, a.I.

I love it.

So I committed $25.

Alright. That's -- that's great.

Thank you so much.

Okay.

Sal: "here we go."

Okay, here we go.

-Hello? -Hi, is this john szeluga?

-Speaking. -Hi. This is africa.

You've previously donated money to the manduke project,

And we're hoping that you would consider donating again.

Can I just talk to my wife for one second?

Hold on. -No problem. Do your thing.

Okay, so...

Sal: "here's what we're going to do."

So here's what we're going to do.

-"if he pushes back at all..." -if he pushes back at all...

Sal: "...We'll say, 'oops, I meant to call someone cool."

We'll say, "oops.

I meant to call somebody cool."

"sounds like I reached a weenie."

oh, my god.

-Yes. Hey, john. -Hi.

Your wife is on board?

Things are a little tough financially.

I don't know if it's the right time.

Weenie. Weenie.

Thought I was talking to somebody cool,

Not a weenie.

You know, come on, john.

Aw, geez. Uh...

We need that money, man.

She goes, "we need that money."

He's going to give it to you.

You know, I got your e-mail, so...

We love you, john, so...

John, "you guyslove me?"

I-I don't know. You guyslove me?

"tell him things you love about him.

Tell him things you love about him."

Hold on. Hold on real quick.

T-tell him -- tell him what you love about him, okay?

Tell him... -"he has a soft smile."

...He's got a soft smile.

He's got great calves.

Uh, great calves. He's got --

Embellish it.

Sorry. We have another call. Um, but, no. I love --

-No, it's okay. -I love everything about you.

Your -- your laugh, your smile, your jaw. Calves.

I'm just saying, you have great calves.

I never heard anything bad about you.

But -- but how do you know about my ca--

Are there pictures of me?

"tell him you have a handful of pictures of him.

High-resolution."

Tell him you've got a handful of pictures of him.

High-resolution.

I have a handful of pictures of you.

High-resolution.

-I had no idea.

You know, you're really good one.

Johnna: Who are you talking to?

Oh.

This is manduke project.

Sal: "john, I heard her say she likes your calves."

We're calling all the donors that called --

I heard her say she likes your calves.

John:She did say that, but I don't know --

Okay, uh, that's his wife, okay?

Yeah. Oh, she is not playing.

She's not having it right now.

So I need you to say to her forcefully...

Sal: "it's dinnertime, mother

I need to eat."

Say to her...

So I need you to say to her forcefully...

Sal: "it's dinnertime, mother

I need to eat."

Say to her, "it's dinnertime, mother

And I need to eat.

Okay? Just say it strong.

-Hey, your wife is there? -Yes.

Yes, tell her, "it's dinnertime, mother

And it's time to eat."

- oh, my god.

Tell her this is business.

Chaos in the family is good.

You got them.

"we got them all up and they donate."

We get them all up, and they donate.

You see?

Johnna:I should be in charge of finances.

What's one thing you do in this household?

Szeluga, go, "you're getting me all up here."

John:You're getting me all up here.

Szeluga, start yelling and be like, "I need to donate."

I need to make a donation. I just need to make a donation.

-"reel him in. Reel him in." -yeah, like 500 bucks.

"rub my head for good luck.

Rub my head for good luck."

Rub -- rub my head for good luck.

Go. Rub -- rub my head. Go. Do it.

This is amazing.

Don't stop.

You know what, africa? $600.

-Okay, $600. We got that. -Whoa!

Yes, john, this is why we love you and your wife.

Now I can eat, mother

No, I'm playing.

Narrator: Q and sal couldn't solicit a win,

So q is tonight's big loser.

-Alright, baby. -Alright, q, you've lost,

So, today, we're at middlesex college

For your punishment. -And here's a fun fact.

You have volunteered to be part of a scientific study.

So you and a group of participants

Are going to have your brains monitored

To see what type of emotions you're feeling.

I guess you guys are controlling the emotions.

-Big time. Yes, yes, yes. -Get in there, buddy.

We can't wait to see what you're thinking.

Well, right now, I don't need a sensor to tell me

That it's anxiety and anger.

We're going to decide what you're feeling.

-alright, great.

Murr: Here we go.

These are eeg readers, electroencephalograms.

Sal: Q, we asked them to size one to a fred flintstone type.

It's got double the length of cords.

So what they're doing is

They're monitoring brain activity.

We're going to show you some pictures

And you're going to basically let us know

Sort of some of the emotions that you're feeling.

And we're hoping that we might be able to see

A little bit of those inner subconscious emotions here.

The things on their head don't even work.

Nothing is real.

So we're going to go to our first image.

so we told johnna what emotions to detect.

Okay. Interesting.

So I'm seeing happiness, empathy,

That sort of nurture center

And then perplexed, as well.

Huh.

Q, maybe explain that one.

Yeah, I-I-I could see why somebody would feel perplexment.

Like, where's his -- what's he doing?

Why is he -- why is that? What, was he in a dance routine?

Is he in -- you know, like, what's his duck up to?

I'd concentrate on flying, if I was him.

You know, he's got wings.

Why are you making extra work for yourself?

I could see it.

-Can you go to the next one? -Okay.

Comfort.

And then I see rage, as well.

-Ah. -Ah.

-Mm. -Rage.

This is nostalgia for me.

What about if you, uh, don't like peanut butter and jelly

And you were forced to eat it when you were a kid?

Oh, that's another -- that's trauma.

Q, maybe someone's had it with all those fake allergies.

That or -- or if you're just fed up

With everybody's fake allergies.

Like, everybody's got a fake allergy these days.

My mom was actually allergic,

Like, deathly allergic to peanut butter.

Murr: oh!

I'm just saying I could see how someone would be like,

"I just want to eat peanuts on a plane."

yeah.

Okay.

There's definitely anxiety.

There's some micro emotion of annoyance.

-That was definitely me. -Yeah?

Yeah, I always get annoyed 'cause then you have to go,

Ah, you got to vacuum up, find all the little fragments.

Otherwise, you're going to cut your feet.

Q, "maybe clumsiness is someone's pet peeve."

Maybe clumsiness is someone's pet peeve.

"you know, like, you have one job."

Like, you have one -- one job to do.

"run the home. Don't destroy it."

You know.

I could just see someone being -- coming home

And being annoyed at, like, another broken plate.

-Mm. -Yeah. I mean, you got one job.

You're going to break every plate in the house?

I could see someone feel that way.

Okay, let's go forward.

Alrighty.

This image is more ambiguous, so we see more variation.

"this skews anxious, I believe."

This skews anxious, and it skews anxiety.

-Q, that's you. -Maybe border drama.

I could see somebody getting a little worked up

About, like... -"people love border drama."

I can't wait for what comes next.

This skews anxious, and it skews anxiety.

-Q that's you. -Maybe border drama.

-"people love border drama."

I could see somebody getting a little worked up

About, like...

...Like, border drama.

Oh, god, q.

People love border drama.

- ooh. -Look at her face.

Oh, she's had it with you.

They love drama, and they especially love border drama,

So I could see it.

It could be anywhere.

It doesn't have to be in the united states, even.

I was looking at the license plate on the car,

And I recognized that as new mexico.

-Ah. -I love border drama,

So I-I'm -- I'm very in tune with this.

Alrighty.

Okay. I want to say betrayal, right?

"I thought so. I thought so."

Yeah, I thought so. I thought so.

"'cause I get this one, guys."

'cause I-I get this one.

"it's because you guys think maybe some of us

Are dumb or so stupid."

It just feels like you guys are trying to, like --

Maybe think some of us are dumb,

Or -- or -- or is this, like, a trick one,

Like, you're trying to trick us a little bit?

'cause you would think I'm going to think of the color red

'cause you wrote "red," but the main color's brown.

Maybe you're trying to make some of us look bad.

We're playing games now?

Alright, we're playing games.

That's fun. We're playing games, everybody.

That's alright.

Okay.

Get ready, q.

-oh-ho, no, buddy. Oh, no.

Johnna: Empathy. Love. Compassion.

he already sees what's coming.

Anger.

-What? Anger? -Anger. Yeah.

Why would someone feel anger?

"nah, this one's easy. They're winning."

This is more -- very clearly anger.

It's not mixed with that sad feeling.

This one seems easy to me. They're winning.

Murr: Ooh.

Johnna: Can you clarify?

Well, you know, we're having tough international relations

Right now with everybody...

...And china's pulling ahead of us,

And, you know, we say --

We -- we -- we...

You know, they're winning.

The fact that you can even extrapolate that

From a child, a baby is asinine.

I'm just saying I could see why.

I mean, at any age... -Shh.

-...They're winning. -Oh, she just shushed you.

He is trolling us, I swear to god.

I'm not saying it's me.

I'm just saying I understand.

It's clearly you.

Murr: Oh, my god.