Original subtitles

Let's just get this started.

Are you kidding me?

Who's a good cat?

Hi, I'm joseph fatone,

And we're here at the contra studios conducting

A very serious fake documentary.

"that's right.

And we'll be the ones getting interviewed

Along with another complete stranger."

Which won't be easy because we'll be forcing each other

To give ridiculous answers to every question.

All we've got to do is get through the interview

Without laughing.

And whoever laughs the most loses.

I'm done with this shit.

Murr: Guys, you know our dear friend, joey fatone.

Maybe you know him from, of course,

Nsync, from broadway, from tv.

Sal: Joe, this is your first time back on the show

Since we punished you.

Can we just get one more round of applause for this man

For what we did to him?

-Yeah. Oh, yes. -I mean...

Thank you.

What's the song?

Here you go, q. This lovely lady,

We just pulled her off the street.

She was walking by and said,

"come on in for a '90s nostalgia interview."

How you doing?

Yeah, I'm kind of not dressed for tv, but all right.

All right, here we go.

What are the three things you had in childhood

That aren't around today?

Poochie.

Okay. You remember magic sand?

Yes. Sea monkeys.

I don't see a lot of sea monkeys anymore around.

Here's the next question.

If your life flashed before your eyes,

Who are the three people you would see?

You can go first on that one.

Murr: "oh, well. Dad in his suit."

Uh, all right, dad in his suit.

"mom wearing pearls."

My mom wearing pearls.

"and joe chill with a smoking gun."

And, uh, joe chill with a smoking gun. Yeah.

Who's joe -- joe chill?

He was -- he was hanging around

The monarch theatre and shot batman's parents.

Oh, okay. Yeah.

Uh, here's another one.

Who was your first crush?

"joe chill." "joe chill."

There you go. There's one.

Kevin hess.

Gotcha. All right. Who was your first crush?

Joe chill.

Murr: "his smoking hot gun."

Smoking hot gun.

Again, you know, dc comics is fantastic.

marvel's better.

What's that? Marvel's better than dc?

Ooh. She doesn't know who she's talking to.

Iron man is the jam.

Well, he was a c-list character

Until they made that movie, yeah.

I just -- also, superman could beat up iron man pretty easily.

-Yeah. I think he can. -Possibly.

-I mean, with the suit.

All right, let's do the next question.

What's something you enjoyed doing with your parent

When you were a kid?

"oh, squirrel launches at the quarry."

Ooh. Squirrel launches at the quarry.

They were fine. Oh, they were -- okay.

Yeah. I wouldn't want to do anything to hurt the squirrels.

Murr: "but I'll launch them."

But I'll launch them.

God, he's stone cold.

All right, here's the next question.

Close your eyes and describe your childhood bedroom.

"cold, dark cave."

Woman: Lots of toys. More books.

"I hung upside-down."

I got the single bed.

Nice.

Cold. Dark.

I'm hanging upside-down.

He's batman.

Butler brings in -- that's a laugh.

What do you do on Saturday mornings growing up?

Murr: "I eat some cinnamon toast crunch."

So, like, I'd eat cinnamon toast crunch.

"watch 'ninja turtles.'"

I'd watch "ninja turtles."

"and then go blast the old hag on the block

With a super soaker."

And then I'd just go blast the old hag up the block

With a super soaker, man, you know?

Okay.

Murr: "you know, one of the biggest regrets in my life..."

One of the biggest regrets of my life...

"...Is that we never got to launch

The old hag over the quarry."

...Is that we never got to launch

The old hag over the quarry.

"not even iron man can save me now."

But thens superman would fly in and save her

Because he can do that.

What do you mean? Are you -- do you live near a quarry?

Here we go.

Joey: So first question is,

Is what was your favorite holiday gift

You received as a child?

It's actually a laptop. Yeah.

I need you guys to take a look at this.

Oh, wow.

And kind of tell me what goes through your mind

When you see something -- is it nostalgic?

Do you remember anything from trains?

Anything from your childhood?

"I always fantasized..."

I always fantasized...

"...About being a tunnel."

...About being, like, a tunnel.

"like, laying down, the tracks go in my mouth."

Laying down, the tracks go in my mouth.

"and then they come out my backside."

And then they come out the -- the back side, right?

"and I'm a tunnel."

And I'm -- I'm the tunnel.

Choo-choo, choo-choo.

"I just always wanted them to run a train into my mouth."

I just --

Sal: Okay. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

So I'm reacting. I shouldn't react.

I shouldn't react.

What would 16-year-old you be surprised to learn about now?

"I would say that sister marie was right."

I would say that sister marie is right.

"doing that too often will make your hair fall out."

Doing that too often will make your hair fall out.

Not blind? I thought it was go blind.

Joey: Yeah, I thought it was blind.

Well, I am wearing glasses too.

You know.

Take a look. Tell me what goes through

Your mind when you see this.

Any flashbacks of anything?

Nice. Retro.

That's actually from the time that it should be.

I want you to look at her through the --

"smile. You're stuck in my basement."

Smile. You're stuck in my basement.

Right? You're not going anywhere.

You're stuck in my basement.

You know what? Serial killers.

Yeah. It's like these are

The trope of the '80s horror movies, right?

You know what? You're right.

Like, you know, you're there in the basement, emaciated.

There's the basket. There's the lotion.

You've got to put that on or you get the hose again.

Okay.

You know, I tuck my genitals back, polaroid, the pictures,

You know, the doorbell rings.

Clarice starling's there. Yeah.

She's looking for jame gumb.

You know, "she's a big fat lady," you know.

"precious -- get the hose again."

Joey: How you doing?

Murr: All right, let's jump into it.

Last time we played this game,

We had a pipe dripping on sal's shoulder.

Yes. Annoying him.

That was very good work that you did, man.

We'll see what happens today.

What are the three things you had in your childhood

That aren't around today?

Ooh. Okay.

Lucy, lightly hit him.

Well, I would say, like -- oh, I had the ewok village.

Joey: Okay. Remember that? Ewok village for the "star wars" characters.

I have a mirror -- lucy with a mirror

Reflecting a spotlight right in his eyeballs.

He's going to be so annoyed after a minute.

Watch.

So I'm going to hand you this.

What are you feeling? What does it say?

Do you remember this?

Have you seen anything like this?

Definitely I think was just a little bit before me.

The first one I got of these,

It didn't even have the tape cassette.

"I bet backstreet sold a lot of these, right, jerry?"

Um...

Murr: Look at fatone. Put your paper down, fatone.

We got fatone.

I know these were popular back then, though.

Really popular -- like, if you got one --

I bet backstreet sold -- helped sell a lot of these, jerry.

They probably did.

Look at him.

Yeah. Good job holding it together, sal.

Are there any games you played as a child that you miss?

Lucy, hit him.

Definitely I have nostalgic memories of playing,

Like "roller coaster tycoon" and, like --

I don't even, like --

Were there any games

You played as a child that you miss?

"every day was a game of life or death growing up."

Every day was a game of life or death growing up.

"growing up a quarter latino, white presenting."

Growing up a quarter latino, white presenting.

Okay. All right.

What would 16-year-old you be surprised

To learn about you now?

Murr: "that I have an amazing wife..."

I have an amazing wife.

"...Who's a female boss."

She's a female boss.

"...Has dsls, and is a great mom."

She has, uh -- she has dsls and she's a great mom.

Dsls.

So does she have good internet hookups?

Is that what you're saying?

"google it, jerry. It's lips."

Joey: So does she have good internet hookups?

Is that what you're saying?

"google it, jerry. It's lips."

I would google it, jerry.

It means lips.

That's a laugh. Hit him, hit him, hit him.

I didn't -- I was trying to be --

I never said those words out loud, but I -- what?

Sorry. I'm flustered.

Can you just hit him right in the eye?

Man: I mean, I feel like I could go,

Like, a few different ways with it.

He's laughing. He's laughing.

Joey mcintyre is married.

You know, like, that was the --

So even today, like --

Sal, you're just one big laugh at this point.

Is there an issue with lighting in here or...?

Narrator: Looks like sal got blindsided.

So he's first up on the loser board.

Today we're at the olly olly market having an over-the-top

Emotional conversation on our cellphones

In front of another customer.

After we hang up, we'll be given the reason

Why we're so upset.

The goal is to get the person next to you

To agree that you did not overreact.

If they say you overreacted, you lose.

Zoh, what?

The key here is to get really riled up.

I got something for you

That's really deserving of the anger

That you're about to really put out in the world.

All right, I'm getting into the head space.

Murr, talk a little more.

Hey, sal, just want to check in and say hi, buddy.

I don't know if you want to -- want to hang out

Maybe this weekend?

Here we go.

I'm gonna get -- I'm gonna get my food.

I'm just going to leave because I can't take -- I --

I can't deal with this.

Not in public.

I'm going to give him a positive

And we'll see how he turns it into a negative.

Because it's hard for me to process right now

In a general sense, let alone in public.

She's in, she's in.

Oh, the tears, the tears.

I'll talk to you about it later then.

We'll finish it later.

I just -- goodbye. I'll talk later.

Yeah. It...

"turns out I'm more puerto rican than I thought."

Turns out I'm more puerto rican than I thought.

And...

It's a lot to take in.

Because I'm finding out

That I'm something different than I thought.

A quarter. Yeah.

"I'm a third puerto rican."

I thought my grandfather was cuban, but he's, uh --

He's half cuban, half puerto rican.

So now --

-You're cuban? -Yeah.

I'm less cuban now than I thought

And more puerto rican.

I just -- I thought I was 25%.

Now it turns out I'm 33%.

When I applied for student loans,

I could have checked that box. That could have been helpful.

Yeah.

She just called you old, bro.

"puerto rico."

Puerto rico.

No, like the consulate.

You think I overreacted?

Should I just tranquilo, papí?

b

Here he goes. Ring, ring, mother

Oh, geez. Who's calling me now?

Hello? Yeah.

Are you serious right now?

It's fun to watch the acting going on.

I'm at the -- I'm at the -- the food --

The food court.

Olly olly market. Olly olly.

I said I was going to olly olly!

I'm at olly olly. Why do you have to call me?

I said I was coming here

And you're calling me with this again?

I can't even believe what you're saying to me right now.

You drive me wild. Are you dead serious?

You swear on your mother's life?

He's looking, he's looking.

I can't believe this.

Okay, bye.

"turns out the saxophone is a woodwind."

Turns out -- turns out the saxophone is a woodwind.

I didn't even know that. I can't believe it.

I didn't know it was a woodwind. I thought it was brass.

I'm losing my mind here, man.

"I teach music."

I teach music.

I just found out I've been teaching it wrong for years now.

I'm losing my mind, man.

Years. Did I overreact?

Did I?

He's leaning you did.

That's crazy.

You knew it was a woodwind?

How are you so calm?

Me too.

Murr, you're just a crazy person

That everybody's hoping walks away. Yeah.

chill.

Just when things upset me, I don't get chill.

chill.

Hey. What's up, sally? What's going on, sals?

It sounds weird. He looked.

He's already looking.

What do you mean? No, no, that's not true.

That's not true.

What, are you out of your mind?

That's not true. That's not happening.

Do not -- do -- do not say that shit to me.

No, no, no, no, no.

If you're not serious about it, then don't say it.

All right, he's listening. He's definitely listening.

'cause if you piece of shit -- 'cause if you --

If you're kidding about this,

It's going to be the end of everything.

Tell me before you even answer the question

That you know I'm being serious right now.

Wow. He's really worked up.

Your mother. You

Okay?

Yeah, that's the end of that

Don't ever do that again.

Mother god damn it!

Look at him. Look at him! Look at him!

"I gotta be up at 9:30 tomorrow morning."

Sal: "I gotta be up at 9:30 tomorrow morning."

I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry.

I gotta be up at 9:30 tomorrow morning.

I'm sorry about that, brother.

I'm sorry. I'm just not --

I'm not a morning person, you know what I'm saying?

I usually, like, get up around the crack of noon.

And this -- this piece of garbage...

He doesn't have to be out at 9:30.

He has to be up at 930.

I gotta be up at 9:30.

It's early, right?

-Excuse you? -Yeah.

You get up at what time?

What the does the world look like at 7:00 a.M.?

Yeah, nothing good. That's my point.

They say nothing good happens before 10:00 a.M.

"that was my grandmother."

And now my grandmother's calling me,

Telling me I gotta to be up at 9:30?

You don't think I overreacted, do you?

Yeah.

All right, well, let me call her back.

I should probably apologize for telling my grandmother

To go herself.

Narrator: All the guys flipped their lids for nothing,

Making sal tonight's big loser.

All right, sal, you've lost,

So today you're working as a manager here at foodtown.

Oh, and congratulations, buddy.

You just got a big promotion.

You're in charge of customer service

At the self-checkout lane.

But since this is a punishment,

You'll be doing the customers a disservice because today,

The customer is always wrong.

All right, buddy.

Yeah, that's the wall of certified scumbags.

Sal: I guess these are people that have been banned.

Correct. Correct. Murr: Yeah.

I bet you you're going to ban a few more

By the end of the day.

Yeah. See all those thumbtacks there, buddy?

You're gonna be using some.

So, buddy, the personality we want you to have today is like,

You know the guy that's always --

He walks into a situation in a tizzy already?

He's already worked up, always annoyed.

You want me to be myself?

There's something wrong.

-Oh, what happened? -Uh-oh.

-Oh, boy. -Let's see. "assistance needed.

Please wait. Checking item weight."

What the hell do you need that for?

"I knew this would happen.

I see you scanning and your whole approach wassciangato."

Yeah.

You went over the weight limit.

I kind of thought it might happen

Because I saw you scanning from over there.

Your whole approach withsciangato.

"I'm like, 'duh, duh.'

And you're like, 'duh, duh.'"

Look at us, 'cause I'm like, "duh, duh, duh, duh,"

And then you're like, "dah, dah, dah, dah."

We wrote something really long.

I'm just going to read it, okay?

"you can digitize a physical coupon."

Okay. Well, you know, just so you know,

You can digitize a physical coupon.

"but you can't use a digital coupon physically..."

But you can't use a digital coupon physically.

Murr and sal: ...If the e-mail attached to your membership rewards account

Has not been electronically verified.

"...At least 45 hours in advance..." ...At least 48 hours in advance.

Murr and sal: ...Of making a purchase that meets the minimum requirement

Priced at $2 per pound or higher...

...Of 5 pounds per qualifying item...

...Which the mandatory bottle deposit has been applied.

Got it.

"I've been sal," and then moonwalk away.

I -- I've been sal, the store assistant manager.

Murr: Keep going right down right down an aisle.

Right down an aisle. There he goes.

What is that? She's tired.

She doesn't know what just happened.

Sal, help this lady.

Hey, how are you doing?

Please wait for assistance.

Says verify my bag.

"attendant will verify your bags."

Where's your bag?

"I guess I'm the attendant."

Okay. I guess I'm the attendant.

Please scan your first item.

"first day on earth, hon?"

"I'm using my own bag."

Yes, this is my bag.

Okay. First day on earth, hon?

Murr: Oh!

It's the machine.

No, I know.

Where is the thing? Like, usually there's like...

"what are you looking for now?"

What are you looking for now?

Are you being helpful or you're being sarcastic?

"ma'am, you are clearly high on bath salts."

Murr: It is a punishment, bud.

Sal: What are you looking for now?

Are you being helpful or you're being sarcastic?

Ohh.

"ma'am, you are clearly high on bath salts.

Murr: It is a punishment, bud.

Ma'am. Yes. I'm listening.

You're clearly high on bath salts.

Excuse me? What's that?

What did you say?

What are you getting? Nectarines?

Usually?

Unexpected item in bagging area.

"so me and the robot are wrong. Gotcha."

So what we're saying is myself

And the robot are incorrect.

You're fine.

Yes. Okay.

Unexpected item in bagging area.

Oh!

Please wait.

Okay. Sal, yeah, this guy wants you to be --

I want you to really become friends with him

And then end it all with just stamping banned on his receipt.

Take the polaroid over with you too.

$3.79.

-You all set? -Yep.

Oh, can I just see that one second?

-I just got to stamp. -Yeah, sure.

Thank you. Here we go, buddy.

Is this is like a new policy? What's that?

-Take his picture. -The stamp, is that new?

The snap is new, yeah.

oh, they banned you, yeah.

Put it right up on the wall.

Yeah, I got to put it up on the wall here.

Oh, the scumbag wall. Oh! Yes!

"that's me."

Yes. Sal. Sal?

Yeah. Just take a step back.

Yes, yes. Look at the billboard.

It looks like you're a certified scumbag.

This -- this is not here. This is --

Sal, clearly don't destroy it.

I'm gonna shred it.

Okay.

Sal, take another photo of him.

I -- the hostil--

It's a lot of hostility, so I just --

Hand him that photo and take another one.

The second picture that you just took.

All right. Sorry, sir.

I need at least one photo.

You know, this guy at the self-service counter

Right there, buddy,

Does that guy have more than 20 items?

Count everything out loud.

He's definitely over the limit.

Six.

$5.09.

Seven.

11 cents savings.

13. 13.

16.

17.

Start getting real, like, upset now.

18.

This is so intimidating.

19.

Sal, hit number 20 and on 21, just go, "uh-oh."

Uh-oh. That's 21.

And I'm not even counting that.

This is 22, and I can't even weigh it now.

Because -- you confiscated it orally.

Yeah.

"I like you. I don't want to see you on the wall."

I like you. I don't want to see you on the wall.

Okay. Okay.

I just don't know what to do about the banana.

That was in the cart when I got it.

Oh, it was just a banana peel in the cart?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sal, go pin the banana peel to the wall of scumbags.

So if I were to check the security footage,

I wouldn't see you hoofing down this banana.

Correct.

Sal, go behind the counter and fake walk down steps.

I'll -- I'll have a quick check,

And I'll be back in a couple of seconds. Okay.

"on the behalf of foodtown, I'd like to apologize."

Yeah? Find anything good?

On behalf of foodtown, I'd like to apologize.

Oh, my god, it's so funny.

Oh, my god.

You're good. Thank you.

That's it, bud. You're done.