All language subtitles for Impractical.Jokers.S12E03.1080p.WEB.h264-BAE

Let's just get this started.

Are you kidding me?

Who's a good cat?

Today we're at
brewery recording studio

Posing as voiceover artists
recording audio

For a brand-new video game.

But there is no
brand-new video game

Because it's all just
a big charade

To pair us
with another voiceover actor.

The goal is to do and say

Whatever the other guys
tell you to.

If you refuse,
you lose.

You play piping hot jazz?
Yes.

Here we go.

Murr:
Sal is a voiceover artist.

He does special effects,
sound effects, what have you.

And joe imburgio is playing
the sound engineer.

You guys can hear me
alright?

Yes, can hear you.

Uh, sal.
We're going to have you do --

Let's try 31.

You're going to do those
directions,

You know,
as a cholo.

extra, extra. Read all about it.

No. More cholo.

Do everything super cholo.

hey! You're awesome!

Keep going, hey!

Sassy woman to cholo.

How do you feel about doing
a sassy woman to cholo?

ew, dude!
With your cousin?!

that's gross!

One more.

come on now,
sugar pie. You ain't just good.

You is spectacular!

Okay, let's take it
from tavern night.

Yeah.

Go from sassy to cholo
in stage directions.

Ooh! Ah!
Get it out, get it out!
Stop moving!

npc jams
an enchanted scalpel

Into npc one's belly.

Npc one dies violently.

I love it.

Sal, would you mind doing
a death noise for us real quick?

We do need, like,
a male death sound.

This is an action game.
You've been shot by an arrow.

Okay.

Sal, just stop grabbing
random props off the table

And using them
in your death scene.

Ohh!

I don't know, guys, I'm so
sorry. I don't feel comfortable.

imburgio:
That was really great.

Thank you.
You committed.

I got to say, we had it in,
like, the first 30 seconds.

Okay. That's great.

Why don't we move on
to the, um, the dialogue?

You have this, uh,
interior tavern night scene.

Okay.
Just your lines.

Sal, give her advice. Tell her
to go bigger or she's going.

Have a seat,
my friend.

Have a seat, my friend.

How is it out there?

a little bigger.

How is it out there?

Um, sorry, sal.

Do you mind just
not giving me direction?

I'm trying to focus.
Oh, sorry. So sorry.

Yeah.
I have to say,
you're doing fantastic, tasmin.

Sorry.

Face the wall.
Just face the wall.

Go to the corner like
"blair witch" and face the wall.

How is it out there?

Yeah. Put your head
against the wall.

How is it
out there?

How is it out there?

Bang your head slowly.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

Yeah, sal, have
a mental breakdown.

stupid.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

stupid.

do you hear that?

You picking up -- is someone
saying something in there?

I think sal might
be making...
Stupid.

...A noise.
So stupid.

Murr:
Here you go, q.

Alright. I don't even
know what this is like.

Yeah, I'm not exactly --
didn't get a script or anything.

Yeah,
it's a video game.

That's really all
you need to know.
Alright.

Mauricio,
we're gonna start with you.

Just say, "go north,
go south, go east, go west."

Go north, go south.

Murr:
This guy's really good.
Go east.

Q, turn to him
and say, "do me a favor."

Do me a favor.

"find a bridge..."
find the bridge...

"...Shoot yourself in the head
and fall to your death..."

...Shoot yourself in the head
and fall to your death...

"...Because you are
amazing at voiceover."

...Because you are amazing.

You are amazing.
Oh. Really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're good. Seriously.
Aww.

Go find the bridge,
shoot yourself in the face

And fall to your death.

You're that good.
Okay.

Yeah. That's cool.

Imburgio: Brian.
Yep?

Do the directions now.
You got it.

"any chance this is
that new superman video game?"

Is there any chance
this is that new superman game

I've been hearing about?
I'm not at liberty to say.

Because if it's
a superman game,

That will affect my performance
in a very positive way.

Just try --
try and keep it professional.

Go north.

Murr: Yeah.
Keep slipping in superman.

Go east. He went that way,
superman.

Superman flew east.

We don't know if it's superman.
You don't need to do superman.

Okay. Uh, go north.

Go northwest...

"...Superman."

...Superman.

Wait for
a compliment back.

Nice.
Q, just go,

"should I shoot myself
on the bridge?"

Should I shoot myself
on a bridge?

Hmm?
Should I shoot myself
in the face on a bridge?

Yeah.
yeah. That's so good.

Brian, you can stop.
That's -- that's great.

"hey, joe,
I don't have to yet..."

-Hey, joe?
-Yeah?

I don't have to yet...

"...But when I have to use
the bathroom,

Should I just stay in here
to use the piss bottle, or...?"

...But if I have to
go to the bathroom...

Do you just want me to stay
in here and use a bottle?

"I could use a piss bottle."
I could use a piss bottle.

You can use the bathroom.
That's why we have it.

Alright.
Q. "I'm gonna
use the piss bottle."

I'm going to
use the piss bottle.

What have you got there?
Imburgio:
Don't use the piss bottle.

Don't use the piss bottle.

We're going to move
on to the script.

Sal: Q, "you catch
his breath yet?"

Did you catch
his breath yet?

His breath?

Imburgio: I can hear you guys.
Talking about my breath?

Yeah.

Sal: Joe, can you go
back into that room,

Pull q on the side,
and dress him down?

Here we go. Watch this guy.
Watch this guy at work.

Hope he doesn't
breathe on me.

I actually didn't
notice that.

Okay.
You're doing great.

I just want to talk to brian
for a second here.
Yeah.

Like, whisper shout at him.
Yeah.

can you please
keep this professional?

We have to get through today.
I know,
and I will admit

That I am antagonizing you
to some degree.

It's completely unnecessary.

You're wasting our time,
wasting mauricio's --

It's like a fart took
a shit in your mouth.

The you say to me?
Do you want to
get a drink after work?

No, I'm not interested.

Let's get through this, guys.
Alright,
let's get through it.

Come on. Let's grab a drink
after work and sort this out.

Not interested.

You guys hear me?
Yeah, I hear you.

We're gonna do,
like, a dialogue scene.

Here we go, babe.

25 freaking gold pieces

To get through
the holland tunnel now?

25?
You believe this crap?

What'd you expect? Bridge trolls
don't exactly live cheap.

Murr, crumple up
the paper, say,

"I'm sorry, I'm off book,
actually."

They know
we got no choice.

I'm off book already.
I just memorized it.

I'm ready to go.
Let's do it.

I'm sorry, you said
you're off book, james?

I can speed read

And I have
a photographic memory.

Combine those two skills,
off book.

Murr, I'm going to feed
you the lines.

There's really no need
to do this, but that's great.

Okay.
I'll tell you why you do it --
professionalism.

Mateo, you're npc one.

I told him I'd shove
my toolbox up his ass

If he didn't let
him through.

Sal: "good luck with that."
good luck with that.

"don't call me
when you need bail money."

Don't call me
when you need bail money.

Off book.
Hey.
That's impressive there.

"I memorized both lines."

What I do is
I memorized everything.

Your lines and my lines.
I can see the whole thing.

"if you're tired,
I can do both lines."

If you're tired,
I can do both lines.

I actually --
that's -- thank you for that.

I got to see this.
Okay. Sure.

Let me know
when you're ready.

"action."
action.

Go ahead, pal.

Sal: You confident asshole.
You overconfident asshole.

Line?

Why don't we just move
on to the foley stuff?

"can you do, like,
a horse clomping?"

Can you give me,
like, a horse?

Okay.
Murr, you got to --

You got to slap
your bald head

As horse galloping
noises.

No problem.

Sal: At home.
Close your eyes.

Just picture a stallion
in a field.

That was great.
Thank you.

Now you've shifted gears
to foley,

I'm going to let you do
your foley work.

Okay.
Murr, legitimately
try and foley this scene.

Imburgio: We are rolling.
Whenever you're ready.

Action.

I'm not sure what that is.

What is that exactly
what you're doing here?

Murr, say someone's
breaking pasta.

It's some-- it's the sound
of someone breaking pasta.

You know what I think
we're going to do

Is just finish
with a string of wild lines

Like the ones
we started with.
Okay.

Why don't we start
with number 20?

beware
when the cold wind blows.

Murr, as he's doing these,
just start inching closer

And closer
to his microphone.

you must have
x-ray vision.

beware
when the cold wind blows.

Murr, as he's doing these,
just start inching

Closer and closer
to his microphone.

Danger is near.

jeez,
it's somebody crack a rat?

dude,
you must have x-ray vision.

Happy saint

Closer.
Get your mouth on his mic.

and I watched --

The dragon
killed my family,

And I watched.

Murr, "now, will you be
able to add emotion in post,

Or will his lines
just sound flat forever?"

It's breathing fire.

Will --
will you be able --

In post...

Can you just cut me out?

If that's a thing that you --

'cause he's great.

Ah, that's it, idiot.

Narrator: The only thing
murr recorded was a loss,

Making him first up
on the loser board.

What the heck?
Ooh.

Today we're at
the american dream mall

Playing concerned dads

That just got a distressing note
from our kid's school.

We'll have to read
the note out loud,

And then get a fellow mall-goer
to give us feedback

On our very aggressive
response,

Which has already been written
by the other guys.

Now, if that person tells you

That that email is inappropriate
to send as is, you lose.

I'm sending it.
Don't -- oh.

Excuse me.
Are you a parent?

Can I run
something by you?

Oh, sal's in. Sal's in.
Murr: Oh, here we go.

I got an email
from my kid's school.
Here we go.

"brianna had difficulty
following rules today,

And we asked her to spend
three minutes by herself

In our corner
of quiet reflection."

I know my kid, and
she doesn't -- she doesn't --

She wouldn't do anything
that would deserve that.

She just wouldn't.

Could I run my response by you
as a parent?

Here we go.
Okay. "hi, miss lindal.

I assume you use 'miss'

Because you're afraid to say
whether you're married or not.

Let me guess -- not.

Let me
make one thing clear.

Brianna is
a angel."

I know.

"the rest of the class
may be cattle like yourself,

Who would just love
to run helter skelter

Through a classroom,

Having food fights
and ripping the wallpaper down

And pissing on it,

But not my baby."

And then in all caps,

"never do
what you have done again!"

Thoughts on that?

Who makes a kid have
quiet reflection like that?

Sounds like he's
on the side of miss lindal.

I feel like she's
a little tough on brianna.

We don't make her reflect
at home.

"we don't make
her reflect at home."

So do you think that
this would be good to send?

No?

Got to go.
Alright.

Murr: Alright, q. Open up that
email from the school principal.

Excuse me, sir. Can I get
your opinion on something?

Do you have kids?

I got an email
from my kids school.

So this is
what I got today.

"dear mr. Beagle."
that's me.

"the more things change,
the more they stay the same.

Your son kevin was given
detention today for putting --

For putting gum
in selena delmonico's hair.

As I recall,

I gave you detention
for doing the same thing

Over 30 years ago.

Please explain to your son that
this is unacceptable behavior,

As I taught you.

With god's love,
sister cummings."

Okay, this woman has been
the bane of my existence

Since I was
in high school,

And now she's giving it
to my son, kevin.

So this is the response
I want to send back,

So can I just
get your opinion?

It's quick. Okay.
"sister...

How the holy
are you still alive?

You were an ancient,
dusty claptrap of a human

30 years ago.

What's keeping you alive?
Hatred of children?

I took that girl I gummed up
to the prom."

This is true.
"and guess what. We sinned."

"we sinned long and hard.

I guess you failed
in your mission

To teach the youth
to be good.

What does that feel like,
you despicable penguin?!

Revenge is a bitch,
ain't it?

You'll give kevin detention
over my dead body.

Speaking of dead bodies,

See you soon at your funeral,
which I will attend.

Hail satan!
Anthony gunk."

This woman has been
the bane of my existence

For 30-something years.

Is that okay to send?

Sal: Here we go.

Soon at your funeral,
which I will attend.

Hail satan!
Anthony gunk."

Is that okay to send?

You think
I should take out the fact

That I banged
on prom night

Or the "hail satan"
or her dead body?

Okay.
Just -- just rethink it.

Alright. Very good.
Thank you.

Murr: Suck it, sister.

Come on. Excuse me.
Do you have kids, bud?

Here we go. He's in.

Do you mind
if I ask your advice on this?

I just got an email from
my kid's principal at school,

And I'm thinking
of writing the principal back.

I'm not sure if
my response is too overheated.

You tell me, okay?

She says to me,
she goes,

"nicholas threw a wet paper
towel at the blackboard today,

Which frightened miss scrabis
and disrupted class.

We asked him to submit
an essay explaining

Why what he did was
inappropriate."

Okay.
I don't know about you,
but when I was in school,

We threw spitballs
all the time, right?

It's not a big deal. Kids do it,
you know what I'm saying?

It's a different world.

I know, but it's not the way
I was raised, man.

So I thought I'd write
the principal back.

Here's what I'm thinking
of sending.

"I say
that's simply impossible.

Nicholas knows
that when he misbehaves,

Daddy goes away

And mr. Koomie
comes out.

Mr. Koomie
crawls on all fours

And speaks in a deep
southern drawl."

Why southern?

You know, I use that to
threaten my kids, you know?

It's like a character
I play.

Almost like a creature
in the --

That crawls
down the stairs backward.

You know, it's like that,
but with southern drawl.

I mean, at least give me
the southern drawl.

I don't know.
It's up to you, but I would...

So what you're saying is,
I shouldn't tell the principal

About the southern demon I play
to scare my children?
No, no, no.

Those are the kind of things
that will send

Both you and your son
to the therapy.

Murr, say "I do declare,"
then scuttle off on all fours.

Yeah. So you're saying
the email is not ready to send?

well, I do declare!

Excuse me.

Alright.

Narrator: The apple didn't
fall far from the tree.

Murr is tonight's big loser.

Okay,
murr is our big loser,

And today we're doing
things a little different.

For your punishment,
we are going to actually

Pamper you a little bit
with a lovely facial.

Okay.
That's right.

So this is rose,
our nurse practitioner.

Hi, rose.
Hi. Nice to meet you.

She will be micro-needling
your stupid face,

And that is a process
whereby she will jab your face

With a needle thousands
of times.

It's very painful.
Is it?

Yes.
Don't worry about it,
buddy.

I'm sure
once the facial is over,

That'll be the end
of your punishment.

Sure.
Take it away, rose.

Alright. I'm gonna start
on your forehead, okay?

Ow. Ow, ow, ow.
That freaking hurts.

Ow!

That should be good. Yeah,
we'll call it right about.
Want me to stop?

Yeah,
I think that's good.
Oh. Okay.

Yeah.
What does it look like?

Better? Is it better?
There you go, pal.

Check that out.

Ew!
yeah. That's you.

Wait, wait, wait.
Yeah?

You got to finish the face.
No, no, that would be
less funny.

The event's started.
We gotta go.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We're gonna stop
right here.

Wait, what?
We're stopping
at the halfway part

'cause the event's
about to start!

For real, I just go out now?
Yeah.

What am I walking into?
The event.

Come on, harvey dent,
we got to get going.

So here's the deal.
We are at a firehouse today.

He has no idea
what this is about,

What he's saying,
who he is, nothing.

He is going to walk out
completely cold to these people.

Okay, we're ready
to get to our next speaker.

James, are you ready?

Here we go.

Man: We're ready
to get to our next speaker,

Who will be speaking about
fireworks and fireworks safety.

James, are you ready?

Here we go.

Hi, everybody.

Alright, reach into your pocket,
grab a note,

Read the note from your pocket
out loud, buddy.

Okay.
Uh, hi, everybody.

Uh, I'm here today
with the insistence

Of the state of new york

To share with you
the dangers of fireworks

So your children don't make
the same mistakes...I did.

You could take or leave
this court order.

So here we go.

Fireworks are illegal to buy,

Sell, and use
in the state of new york.

"I have to
say these things."

I have to say these things.
You understand.

Dan cast, cough
and shake your head no.

What?

Okay. Moving on.

"this part is from me."

So a cautionary tale.
I wrote this part.

It's about me, my story.

Let's get through it together,
folks.

I have to say this --
by court order,

I have to tell you about my
story and how I ended up here.

Uh, I started selling w's,

You know, "'works"...

Out of my parents' basement
when I was 13.

By 16, I was dealing --
roman candles,

Bottle rockets, booty chasers.

"you see,
my uncle was a cop."

See, my uncle's a cop,
you see?

"used to confiscate
people's fireworks."

He used to -- he used to, like,
confiscate people's fireworks.

"then I'd take 'em from him
and sell 'em."

I'd take it from him

And sell 'em right back
to the neighborhood.

It was the --

Let's keep it going.

Anyways,
it was cool as shit.

In jersey, they call those
a beach bum chasers.

Let's move on.

Moving on.

So, some mistakes
I have made along the way.

Uh, I stopped using a beeper
as my mode of communication

With neighborhoods,
kids, or referrals.

Uh, cellphones were invented,
and I started using those.

Mistake.

The government just loves
to find new ways

To encroach upon
our freedoms.

"and cellphones help them."

And cellphones help them,
not you.

if...

Any questions about pagers?

So, another mistake I made.

My girlfriend,
now my wife,

Moved into the basement
with me.

She had access to the garage

And she wanted to sell
her candles out of there.

At first I was like, "no way."
but then she kept on it.

So she would sell her candles
on tuesdays and thursdays

And I would go dark
those days.

Mind you,
my biz is seasonal.

Maybe I squeezed some extra
spring/fall weeks in there,

But come
the dog days of winter,

You couldn't sell a cherry bomb
to an arsonist.

I'd like to see you try.
Lol.

I'd make anywhere from $75
to $150-ish a day profit.

So let's say average is
$112.50 a day profit.

So one $1s12.50 times
32 days that she sold

Equals $3,600 that
I lost in that amount of time

That particular season.

They're getting angry
at you. Next slide.

I needed to make up
that money,

So I started selling
willy-nilly to even the kids

That I knew had strict parents
and I got reported

Because this
one kid's dad was a retired

Parking enforcement officer --
meter maid --

And that's when I blew up
my operation,

Figuratively and actually.

Next slide.
Had mid-size explosion...

Had mid-size explosion in garage
in 2019.

Hence my face.

look at his face!

That's when jared,
the meter maid, reported me.

It's fine. It's for the better.
I still talk to his son.

For real, I have not sold
any fireworks since then.

"you hear that, dan?"
you hear that, dan?

I sell candles now too
with my wife,

Who is also ordered to assist me
with these cool teachings.

My wife will now pass
out pamphlets from the city.

Okay, here comes
your wife.

Your wife,
who is being played by johnna,

Our producer and writer.

Hi.
Hi.

Let's get a look at johnna,
who's also been

Severely and
horribly burned.

Click the next one,
murr.

That is -- that is my obligatory
court-ordered presentation.

Sick fireworks, huh?

Murr, take out
that sparkler we gave you.

I'm sorry.
I know I put it somewhere.

I like to end with a bang.

[ sparkler fizzing,
laughter ]

Dan, do me a favor.
Go put that out for us.

This guy left.
"eight months, three weeks
to go," and walk out.

Eight months,
three weeks to go.

Let's go!

Peace.