Original subtitles

Whoo!

Aah!

Let's just get this started.

Are you kidding me?

Who's good guy?!

Today we are working at the one and only dutch cleaners.

While helping customers out,

We've got to do and say what we're told.

And if you refuse, we lose your clothes,

And we charge you anyway.

Please come again.

Hi, q.

How often would you say you shed your wardrobe?

I don't do anything with my wardrobe anymore.

I used to.

Like, all your clothes are all old?

We've settled into this routine

Where melissa just buys clothes.

Like, this is a nice thing, but it costs about $6.

It's the brand coofandy.

It's like one of those chinese bulk discount things.

So all my clothes now are coofandy, and they're so cheap.

Why is that so funny?

I don't know coofandy.

Why is that so funny?

It's coofandy.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

What is coofandy?

Nothing.

It's a chinese company that makes discount clothes.

Why do you buy it?

Melissa only buys me coofandy.

Why do you buy coofandy?

I don't buy them. A box arrives of all coofandy.

All my clothes are now coofandy.

From head to toe, I'm coofandy.

In a box.

Literally an unmarked box.

It just says "coofandy."

Three different coofandy products arrive,

And the whole cost is like $80 for a box of clothes.

And that's all she does now.

God bless her.

This doesn't look cheap, does it?

No. You could have told me that was whatever.

Yeah. It's coofandy.

How are you doing, sir?

All right. Brian. Good, good.

How are you doing? What can I help you with?

Oh. The drapes. The drapes were yours.

Q, take $20 out of your pocket,

Give it to him and say,

"shh, shh, okay, it's okay, it's okay."

We're good, we're good. Thanks.

Protection services, right?

Protection, right? Protection.

This isn't --

I am so sorry.

I am so sorry. That's okay.

When you said you came in for the drapes,

I thought you meant "the drapes."

We pay a guy.

Because once a week, a guy comes in.

I got to give him the drapes.

Can we send in mike cast?

Two, nine.

Sal: He's intimidating.

Four, eight.

Q, here's the guy that actually shakes you down every week.

Oh. Hey, bud. Uh...

Hey, mike cast, the drapes.

The drapes.

Q, there's cash there.

It's a little light this week.

It's a little light this week.

Mike cass, break his fingers.

Oh!

Oh!

Ow!

And I, uh, I had one pair of slacks.

Yeah, yeah, I got you.

What were the last four digits of your phone number?

Uh, 7, 826.

Murr: Uh-oh, q. His clothes aren't ready.

Then, mike, break another finger.

Can you come back tomorrow

And we'll help you with that tomorrow?

Because what's going on is...

Aaaah!

I'll be back tomorrow for my pleated pants.

All right. I'll see you tomorrow.

What was the last four of you number again?

Um, 2948.

Ah!

And if we give the drapes a spiritual cleanse,

What religion?

And if we give the drapes a spiritual cleanse,

Which religion are we looking at?

Sal: You ready?

And of course, with the senior discount,

Your total will be...

And of course, with the senior...

Yeah. That's good. That's all right.

Uh, and how do we just cash him out on that one?

Got you, buddy.

All right, sal.

See the blue shirt to your right there?

Yeah.

When someone comes in, I want you to just be playing with it.

Just be playing with the buttons like you're...

Murr: Fussing with it.

And then when they come in,

You're gonna rip the buttons off, buddy.

All right, sal, fuss with that shirt.

It's just frustrating when they don't tell us

If they want to pressed the dry cleaned.

It gets me angry.

Uh-oh.

Whatever.

Alright, sal.

I have two items that have, uh,

Where I sprinkled some blood on it.

And what is this, sir?

It's blood. It's blood. Okay.

Sal's got blood.

He's got live, active blood in front of him right now.

Oh, what is that? That's a yellow -- egg.

What the happened?

What kind of knife did you have?

Blood, egg.

Okay. Got it.

You know, sal, we can do a filipino dry suck on the blood.

You know, we -- do you know that

We have a -- we have a special solvent.

We can do a filipino dry suck on these.

yeah. There you go.

Sal, stress to him that the cops will find no dna at all.

And we're gonna get these out.

There's no evidence, no cops, no nothing like that.

No, this is a cut yesterday.

Oh, a cut.

Oh, yeah, yeah, sure, sure, sure, sure.

No, no. Hey, hey, you got cut yesterday.

It's all right.

It was a cut. Nothing happened.

Toss his clothes over your shoulder.

We'll do that.

Can I help you, sir?

Alright, sal. Yes.

Phone number. I'm picking up.

Please. Uh, one second.

Oh, sal, we did find an entire doughnut in your suit.

Oh, yeah. Oh, well, there it is. Okay, I have a note on here.

Yeah, in one of your suits, we found a full doughnut.

A what?

There was a full doughnut in one of your suits.

It's my son's suit.

Oh, well...

It's bizarre.

Do you want we should dispose the doughnut?

Yes.

Yeah, ask him if he wants the doughnut.

He doesn't want it.

I just...If you want to put him on speaker, I could ask him.

Did you have a doughnut in your suit?

No.

Hello? Hello.

Man:What are you talking about?

There was a full boston cream in the inside jacket.

That is just not true.

So it's okay if I have it, then?

I can definitely take care of that doughnut.

I'll eat it.

I can have the doughnut?

Yeah. Yeah. You can have it.

It's all yours.

And then it was a dry clean and a laundered.

Never hand it to him, buddy.

Okay. And then --

There you go.

We haven't seen my wife's mother in, like...

It's a dance. It's a dance.

The doughnut.

And she's all yours.

And so this is everything, right?

Now walk away.

Or I can give it to you over here.

And that's it.

Yes, ma'am. Okay.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Have a great day.

Thank you for that boston cream.

Here we go. Coming in. Two women.

She parked terribly.

Murr, murr, somewhere under there is a huge plate of wings.

Get that out right now and just start eating them.

Get your hands all messed up in them.

Are they parked?

That's what he said. He goes, "they parked really badly."

I told you they parked terribly.

You know what? You know what?

Take the whole plate of wings, walk out the door,

Knock on the car, let her roll down, and just go,

"you parked real bad."

Yeah. That's it. Real casual.

Size it up.

You parked real bad.

With the bone in his hand.

You parked real bad.

Yeah. Back it up.

It's real bad, lady. Cut the wheel.

No, no. Okay. No. You went through the other spot.

No. You have to go -- all right, all right.

You're okay?

Is she trying to park, or is she trying to leave?

I don't know what she's doing, man.

Now she's horizontal.

Hi.

How are you today? Good.

Murr, there was a negative yelp review left yesterday.

You have it on your phone right now.

I texted it to you.

Maybe read it to her out loud and see

If she's the one who left it.

I have to ask, does this sound familiar to you?

There was a review left on yelp, and it said, um,

"middle aged bald worker behind the counter

Tried to sell me counterfeit designer bags

When I dropped off my clothes.

They were about as fake as those chicklet veneers in his..."

It gets worse.

"I knew because the dye on the bags stained his fingers.

When I pointed this out to him,

He immediately started sucking on his fingers

In a vain attempt to get the dye out,

And claimed it was just chicken juice

From his big chicken lunch.

The whole interaction gave me the ick."

Is that you, val?

No, it's not me.

I want to make it right

If it was you that posted it.

Did that even happen?

Yes, it did. It was you. It was you.

It was not me!

You're asking me, grilling me about it now, val.

You understand, I had a big chicken lunch that day.

I do not look at yelp.

I had a big chicken lunch.

That was chicken juice. That's why it ran.

They're gucci.

Come back! Val!

Val, it was a big chicken lunch.

What happened?

Murr: Val, it was a big chicken lunch!

What's up?

What happened?

Oh, no. We're good.

Oh. Did you write this review?

Yeah. Here's what happened.

So someone left a bad yelp review for the store.

I'm asking everybody to see who posted the yelp review.

It's clearly about me, and the bags,

They're real.

I just had a big chicken lunch.

Let me just say this. Let me interrupt you.

I don't give a shit about a yelp review.

I don't write yelp reviews.

I'm born and raised in harlem, man.

And when we come from, you know, we don't write yelp reviews.

We yelp you right in your face.

Yeah, I agree with you.

I got a question for you.

Have you ever heard of the television show

"impractical jokers"?

Yes, I have.

I'm on it. And so are you right now.

It's all a joke. I'm murr from "impractical jokers."

I'm murr from "impractical jokers".

It's just a joke, buddy.

Narrator: Q's dirty laundry has been aired out,

So he's first up on the loser board.

Today we're back at the american dream mall,

Posing as casting directors for a gritty crime drama.

You know, like "law & order"?

Yeah, and we're trying to cast real people

To play a small role in the show.

The catch is, the role is so stupid

That you'd have to be a real stupid idiot to agree to it,

But that's hollywood.

If you can't cast anybody, you lose.

All right. Cut. That's it. Check the gate.

That's lunch. That's lunch. That's lunch.

Let's go. Move it!

That's hollywood.

All right, there he is.

Murr: Joining you is kate, one of our producers.

She's going to be your fellow casting director.

Looking for someone to be on "lauren order."

"law & order" from wolf dick.

You're gonna help me close the deal.

I'm the muscle.

Yes.

Excuse me.

Oh, here we go.

Do you know the television show "law & order"?

Yeah.

Well, we're filming on the third floor, a scene today.

A lot of times, we cast real people,

And we need an extra to play a small role

For about 10 minutes.

It'll pay $150.

If you have any interest at all, I can tell you what the role is.

What's the role?

Yeah, the role is...

We need you to strangle a small child behind a claire's.

We need...

So all we need you to do is strangle a small child

Behind the claire's.

Strangle is like...

Yeah, like choke the kid.

Yeah. No problem. I can do that.

Yeah, yeah.

We got another role. Hold on.

I have another one. So you could pick.

You could strangle a child behind a claire's or...

Powerbomb a child.

...You could powerbomb a child...

Through a wetzel's pretzel counter.

Through a wetzel's pretzels sheet glass counter.

What is a powerbomb?

A powerbomb is like -- okay, so a powerbomb would be like

I take her legs

And I put her legs over my shoulders like this.

So I'm holding her here so her legs are on my shoulders.

So I lift her up,

And I slam her right through the wetzel's pretzels.

I can do both.

He can do both. You want to do both?

You would do both?

That's no problem.

Okay, so you'll strangle a child behind the claire's

And then powerbomb another child out of wetzel's pretzels

Right through the sheet glass.

Yeah, no problem. How much is this paying, you said?

$150.

All right.

For both, or for if I do one?

Well, you can do both.

Make him pick.

For $150.

You can pick one.

I pick...

You want to strangle the kid?

Okay. Yeah, we'll do it.

So just come with me up to the third floor.

10, 15 minutes.

10, 15 minutes. No problem.

He was fine with either one,

But he'll choose to strangle the kid.

This is a new season.

It's "law & order: Children only."

Murr: Hey, hubert.

Yeah.

Let's run over here.

Hey, do you guys know this tv show "law & order"?

Yeah.

We're shooting it right upstairs.

And we need some extras for the backgrounds.

It's 10 minutes worth of work.

It's 100 bucks.

You guys have any interest in just being

A background extra for 10 minutes?

I can tell you what it's about.

Let me tell you what it's about.

Guys, so what -- they're in a hurry, guys.

So I just need to know.

We have two different roles.

We have two different roles. Oh, perfect.

One for a guy.

One for a guy.

Okay, so he played -- you play a maintenance man.

You play a maintenance man.

Who's getting roasted like a pig over a spit.

Okay, so you'd be the victim.

You'd get roasted like a pig on a on a spit.

Sal: Yeah, and in your mouth would be a lightbulb.

And then in your mouth would be a light bulb.

Wait. And then the girl part is...

What's the other one?

We need a bitch to throw rocks at an orphan.

Oh, we need we need a bitch to throw rocks at an orphan.

How do you feel about throwing rocks at an orphan?

Probably not today.

Not today. Okay, so, no.

That's going to be a no on "law & order."

He didn't even let me get it out.

Sal: I wanted to follow up with things

For you to say, but they just...

They're not staying.

Would you be a bitch that throws rocks

At an orphan tomorrow?

No go, buddy. That's a no go.

This guy here.

Oh. All right.

Hey, guys,

Have you ever heard of the tv show "law & order"?

Yes.

We're filming it on the third floor,

And we're looking for a couple of background extras.

And you actually fit one of the parts, sir.

It pays 200 bucks for 10 minutes of work

To be in the background of a shot.

My name is james. This is kate.

We're two of the producers of the show.

It's "law & order". You've seen it before.

Wolf dick.

Um, let me tell you about the role.

Hey, guys, the gentleman here, the cream shirt.

Yeah, he'll be in the background,

And he'll be jostling a bunch of elderly ladies until one of

Them kicks him in the nice and friendlies.

Murr: Let me tell you about the role.

Hey, guys, the gentleman here with the cream shirt.

Yeah, he'll be in the background,

And he'll be jostling a bunch of elderly ladies

Until one of them kicks him in the nice and friendlies.

We need you to be in the background,

Jostling a bunch of elderly ladies until one of them

Gets pissed and kicks you in the nice and friendlies.

Mnh-mnh, you can't do that.

He can't be seen doing that.

It's acting.

Kate: It's acting.

As long as you don't really do it.

I mean, you know...

Well, it's got to play real.

You know, if you'll do it, it's very real.

Okay.

Is this "law & order: Special victims"?

Sal: No, this isn't that one.

Rvu. Regular victims.

It's regular victims.

It's "law & order: Rvu."

Rvu.

We do have another role, if you're interested, ma'am.

And then there is another role if you want.

The role they're looking for is...

We need a stand in

To play a corpse at the bottom of a porta potty.

They do need another person.

What is it? Yes.

The other part is they need a person to play a corpse

At the bottom of a porta potty.

Who gets discovered...

Who gets discovered...

And this is cute.

And this is cute.

A jogger gets the run.

A jogger gets the runs.

So they need a person to play a corpse at the bottom

Of a porta potty that gets discovered

When a jogger gets the runs.

Why is that funny?

He gets kicked in the nice and friendlies.

You get discovered by a jogger with the runs.

Look, you get kicked in the nice and friendlies.

You get discovered by a jogger with the runs.

Are we doing this?

You gonna pass?

Oh, my...Alright.

Guys, they said no.

Noble effort, my friend.

Narrator: Murr and q couldn't fill the role.

So q is tonight's big loser.

All right, baby. Q, you lost.

And dang, we were supposed to film

Your punishment at the zoo, but,

Oh, the zoo fell through.

Yeah, the dang zoo fell through.

But we have all this animal related material

That can't go to waste.

So instead, you're going to be a ticket taker

Saying those same exact zoo related lines

To concert goers here for the big big train show

At the williams center.

You've got to say every line

We give you to every animal that passes by.

Did I say animal? Yeah.

I meant concert goer.

Because the zoo fell through.

Fell through, buddy. It fell through.

It does that. You see what happened here?

This is how you dress when you go to the zoo?

He looks like he's on safari.

All right, let me go do this.

All right, q, you know that your your right pocket is stuffed

With dozens and dozens and dozens of lines

That you would normally overhear at a zoo.

And it's a little bit of a zoo slash concert goer roulette.

At any point, did either of you stop to

Talk about how stupid this is?

I'm sorry. What do you mean? We're making do.

The zoo fell through.

There never was a zoo.

If there was no zoo to begin with,

How could it be that I literally have a chimpanzee with me

Back here as we speak?

That's just murray. And he didn't get waxed.

Here we go.

No.

No! Come on, come on.

You got to do it. Oh, no.

Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.

Hey, guys. How are you?

Hey. Good. How are you?

All right, they're going to scan your tickets over there.

I'm just going to give you the, uh, these things.

Sal: You have something to say to cole?

Fascinating.

With proper diet, this jackass could live another 15 years.

Fascinating stuff. Thank you very much.

Hey. No problem. Enjoy the show.

Murr: You see why we couldn't waste the zoo creative, right?

Just so many great... Factoids.

Factoids.

I'm going to get punched.

Hey, guys! Hello? Yes!

Here we go. Here we go.

How are you guys doing?

Good, good. Yourself?

Fascinating.

They pair off in same sex groups

When there are no females present.

Okay.

All right, guys.

All right, there's plenty of females in there.

You know what I'm saying?

The species will live on.

I can't.

Go, go. Say it, say it.

Murr: Say it.

Hey, hey!

Say it, brian. Say it, brian.

Okay, well, if we don't get these two to mate, they're kind

Might be doomed.

Oh, it gets weirder. It gets weirder.

They're gonna scare you right in there.

Great.

Thank you.

Oh, boy.

Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh, god.

Please be a dude that walks through the door.

So we want it to be a woman.

We want it to be a woman. That's my takeaway.

Oh, no.

I'm seeing a lot of women's shoes out that door.

Oh, no. Oh, no. No, no.

Here we go.

Yes! Yes!

Oh, god.

Please be a dude that walks through the door.

So we want it to be a woman.

We want it to be a woman. That's my takeaway.

Oh, no.

I'm seeing a lot of women's shoes out that door.

Oh, no.

Oh, no. No, no.

Murr: Here we go.

Yes!

Oh, now that's a gorilla.

Who's a gorilla, cole?

Which one's a gorilla?

Well, she walked in first.

Go enjoy the show, your party animals.

It's harder than I would have thought it would be.

We aren't gonna stop until there's

No lines left in your pocket, buddy.

We're gonna do 500 lines.

Here we go.

This is just my life for the next hour.

Okay.

Oh, he's all puffed up.

Now, it makes him look big, but he's not.

This one looks like it's been hit by a boat propeller.

Hello. Okay, now this one is past breeding age.

Well, my wife is.

Okay, now the weight gain is hormonal,

And so is the snapping.

Best give her some space.

Oh, no no. No, no, no, no, no, no.

He'll mount other males just to show his dominance.

Hey, buddy, too bad your punishment is not over.

oh, no.

Okay. How's it going?

Good. I'm worried with all the security.

Oh, no. You're good, you're good.

So this female is dominating the male, you see?

Yeah. So you're going to scan your ticket right over there.

Wait, who's the dominant one?

So, who's the dominant one?

This female is dominating the male.

Is that an offer?

No. Oh! Oh!

Enjoy the show. Thanks, man.

All right.

Sal: What a weird interaction.

All right. How are you doing?

I just have to put on you this, though,

So you can grab yourself a beer.

Okay, great.

We got a little surprise for q.

Now, those humps are primarily for storing fat.

What was that?

What did you just say?

What humps?

We've been missing it. Spit take for every one

From now on, please.

Okay, great. Well, this one just gave birth, so...

Get a load of that beak.

Oh, this one's in heat.

I mean, I'm covered in his saliva.

Wow.

Murr: Well done, q.

What are we doing at this point in our lives?