Original subtitles

[ laughter ]

[ screaming ]

Let's just get this started.

Are you [bleep] kidding me?

Who's a good cat?

[ laughter ]

[ cymbals crash ]

[ clattering ]

[ chuckles ]

[ laughter ]

Today we're being interviewed for a job

By unsuspecting employees

At the offices of the bachrach group.

And not only do we have to do and say what we're told,

But our résumés have been written by the other guys.

The goal is to get hired for the job.

If you do not get hired, you lose.

Flannel?

[ laughs ] [ laughs ]

♪♪

Rolling? Crew member: Yes.

You unplugged? What have you got... what have you got cooking?

I know that look. [ laughs ]

I've got a little surprise for sal at the top of his turn.

At the top of the turn? Yeah. I'll let you see it.

Alright, sal, we want you to start in the corner,

On the phone.

You're having a conversation with your baby momma, you know?

Reassuring her that that she's your boo

And patricia means shit to you.

[ laughter ] oh, yeah.

I'm telling you, I love you so much.

You're the only one for me.

I'm telling you, patricia means nothing to you.

Oh, oh, hold on! Hi, hi, hi. That's okay.

I will hang up right now. I'll hang up right now.

Yeah, that's okay and we'll need...

Oh, the résumé is in here. Yes.

I have to go right now, but I want to tell you right now,

I don't know what you saw, but I love you so much.

Okay. I love you. Bye.

Okay, I'm so sorry about that.

I was going through a little thing.

Hi. Hi. How are you?

[ laughter ]

What did you do?

I cut the bottom out of his chair.

[ laughter ]

Approved twice to officer. Was that a permanent role?

The foam is on the floor.

The foam... the foam's on the floor.

What kind of things did you do there?

I'm a dis... I'm a...

Like, I've been known to be disruptor,

Because prior to that, and I didn't list this, but I was...

He's gonna start sweating soon,

Because he's holding himself up.

A blogger and a tech savvy type of person.

So, I dealt with ceos,

I dealt with literally chart-topping artists

And then...

This is more exercise than sal's done in forever.

What are you looking for in salary?

I would say I'm looking to start at at least $80,000.

He's getting lower. His seat keeps sinking.

So, did you do any of that stuff?

Were you more like [indistinct]?

[ laughter ]

Just depending on, you know, what the role is.

I mean, I think anything like creative or in achieving.

Look at how low he's sat!

[ laughter ]

It says "senior executives" and like, have you traveled?

The height difference!

I believe that was... I think he's higher up.

Murr: He looks like a mushroom cap.

[ laughter ]

I mean, look, if you need anything,

I'm your man, you know?

Alright. Okay. Alright.

So, I'll walk you out.

Thank you. I think the chair is not right.

I didn't want to say anything during.

[ laughter ]

♪♪

Oh, shit!

[ laughter ]

Can you help me with this? I'm stuck here.

♪♪

Murr: Go help him up.

Oh, my god! Can you get up?

Not my best interview. [ laughter ]

Thank you so much. Thank you so much.

Okay. Alright. You know your way out?

Yes, I know my way out. Oh, okay.

So?

[ laughter ]

Here. You have some notes?

Who did that? Who did that? It was me.

I didn't know. Sorry.

Holy [bleep] [bleep] dude! Sorry.

We have another candidate and I want to,

Like, know what happened, so...

Yeah. Well, besides the what happened, he's strange.

[ laughter ]

As far as, like, my recommendation?

Maybe. Maybe.

Ah! Maybe.

Oh, alright. Not a "no."

I'll give a thumbs-up on that. She had mercy on my ass.

Wow! [ ding! ]

Murr: You know, q, you look very sharp and polished.

You guys gave me a briefcase.

Since you look like such a powerful businessman,

You might as well adopt the powerful stance.

We want you to take the whole interview standing up

In front of the chair.

[ laughter ]

Dale. Dale.

Hi. Hi, I'm dale.

Hi, man, nice to meet you.

Ditto. Ditto.

Alright, buddy. Is this your résumé here?

That's my résumé. Yes, yes. Okay, cool.

Want to get comfy? Oh, I'm okay standing.

It's okay. Yeah. I don't mind. Okay.

Thank you. [ laughs ]

Alright, dale, let's see. Yeah.

So, you made beer? I...

Yes, I made beer.

Sal: Tell them about the stats.

This is the only thing on a résumé today

That is 100% accurate and factual. [ laughs ] yeah.

Rubsam & horrmann brewery on staten island.

It was called r & h beer. It was delicious.

As it says here, yeah,

I poured tens of thousands of my own dollars

Into a defunct staten island beer brand. [ murr chuckles ]

I took full responsibility for all operations,

Financials, production,

Hiring and subsequent firing of all staff.

I did have to fire everybody when the company failed.

Uh, I acted as my own attorney.

This is probably why it went down.

[ laughs ]

It was a spectacular failure.

Okay.

The beer was great though.

[ laughter ] I can't stress that enough.

And then in terms of, like, now, like,

What types of opportunities are you interested in?

Um... "how may italians do you have?"

How many italians do you have here?

A lot of italians here in the company?

Uh, I don't know how many, to be quite honest.

Okay. Oh, you guys don't... you don't keep track of that.

Okay. Oh, I will give this back to you.

"okay. Hold on. Let me just give you this."

Open your suitcase, q.

Well, let me... I just want to make sure I give you this.

There's a urine sample in there

That you can give her for us please.

Yeah.

Okay.

I did bring a urine sample.

[ laughter ]

Oh! So, you know what? You sit right there.

Okay. Well, can I stand? Is it alright if I stand?

Sure. You can totally stand. Okay. Thank you.

Murr: [ laughs ] q!

Sal: I've never seen someone so shocked

And dumbfounded on this show.

Man: So? Hey, man, I brought this... I brought this.

I didn't know if you guys needed it,

But I brought a pee sample. I don't think I need that.

Okay.

No, just put it down and walk out. Just go out.

I'll just leave that with my résumé then.

Alright. Okay, uh...

"full disclosure. There is marijuana in the pee."

You don't even have to test.

There will be marijuana in the pee,

But... but nothing else. Okay.

Thank you. Thank you.

[ laughs ]

If I had to tell my manager, you would recommend...?

I would say "no."

[ laughter ] [ buzzer ]

Q: I just hit murray with the surprise when he got here.

His suit is sewn to the seat.

What? How the hell did you do it? Murr show him, show him.

I can't show you.

Only my arms are free.

Everything else is sewed to the chair.

Can you lean forward to shake her hand?

No. I'm sewn in. Murr, are those flowers?

[ chuckles ] yeah. Those are you gift for the interviewer.

Cuban, this is frank. Hi. Hi, frank.

Frank: Hi. How are you? Hey, buddy, how are you today?

Nice to meet you. How's it going?

Sal: He's just gonna sit there.

Thanks for having me for the interview.

So, that's for you.

And he pushes it.

I'm married. You're married?

[ laughter ]

Let's get down to business.

I brought a copy of my résumé for you.

So, you're 1% sub-saharan african?

[ laughter ]

Yes, I did one of those dna test results,

And it says that I'm 1% sub-saharan african.

I think we all are though, you know?

I think I'm more than 1%.

[ laughter ] [ chuckles ]

So, I'm just looking at your background.

You're a caddy.

Yeah, at the country club

I create a cheerful supporting green environment.

I learned to read weather patterns

And I dove for balls ad hoc.

I've never heard of a caddy diving for balls.

Really? "sir, I will dive for your balls."

Sir, I'll tell you. I will dive for your balls.

That's how committed I am.

[ laughs ]

Let's talk about the bullet points.

You've been in over 400 relationships.

[ laughter ]

Yes, sir. Explain.

I didn't want to write, you know,

"body counts" on the résumé, so I wrote "relationships."

Wow! Okay.

[ laughter ]

He goes, "wow!"

I was taught to put details in your résumé

That would make you stand out.

Oh, you're standing out a lot.

[ laughter ]

Thank you so much for your time.

Oh, it's over? We're done with the interview?

Great. Oh, yeah, it's over.

Alright, murr, get up, shake his hand, and walk out.

Yeah. What...? Uh... [ chuckles ] what, um...?

Stop dilly dallying.

Get up, shake his hand, and walk out.

We're done. So, thank you so much for your time.

Okay. Well, anyways.

Ugh! [ cloth tearing ]

[ laughter ]

Q: Stop dilly dallying. Get up, shake his hand, and walk out.

We're done. So, thank you so much for your time.

Okay. Well, anyways...

Ugh! [ cloth tearing ]

[ laughter ]

Are you alright?

♪♪

Uh...

[ laughter ]

Alright. What the...?

Q: [ laughs ]

♪♪

[bleep] you. What did you do?

It was a little breakaway suit, buddy.

Yeah. His suit is, like, stitched to the chair.

I've never seen that.

[ laughter ]

And your gut reaction, like,

If you think I should recommend him to get hired.

Yeah. I would not recommend him for anything.

[ laughter ] [ buzzer ]

Narrator: It looks the only place hiring q and murr

Is the loser board.

Today we're at morton williams supermarket

With our "grandmothers,"

Giving out samples of our two family sauces.

Nonna's sauce and sunny's marinara.

While the shoppers are tasting sauces,

The other guys are gonna be forcing us to treat

Our grandmas horribly.

And after being an awful person to our lovely nana,

We'll ask the customer which sauce they'd like to take home.

If the customer chooses nonna's sauce,

Despite the fact that it's truly terrible, you lose.

♪♪

Alright, guys, I'm here with candy, my nonna.

I apologize in advance

For what they're gonna tell me to say to you.

You are lovely. You are forgiven ahead of time.

Okay. There you go. Okay.

So, we've got two difference sauces here...

Sunny's sauce and nonna's sauce.

So, murr, your sauce is actually a gourmet sauce that was made,

And nonna's is actually just like a blend tomato puree.

This is gonna be hard to do.

Hi, bud, how are you? Do you want to try nonna's sauce.

You get to take home whichever jar you like for free.

Candy, just say "mine's better."

Mine's better.

Murr go, "shh, shh." mine's better.

Shh. Shh. Shh.

"mine, or the bag of bones'?"

So, you can either... you can either choose my sauce

Or the bag of bones', you know?

Do you think I'm a bag of bones?

"I think you're a big [bleep] bag of bones."

[ laughs ]

I think you're a big [bleep] bag of bones.

Can we get back to the sale?

[ laughs ]

This is nonna's sauce, she's been making all day.

If you like mine, you get a jar for free.

Well, you get a jar of either one for free, whichever.

But you can have this one for free right now.

"nana, what the [bleep] are you doing?"

Nonna, what the [bleep] are you doing?

Let him choose.

Snatch it back. Snatch it back out of my hand.

It's okay. No, no, no.

He doesn't get it, nonna, for free.

What the [bleep] are you doing?

[ laughter ]

Now, marcel, you have a choice.

You can get a jar of the sunny's sauce

Or a jar of the nonna's sauce.

They are free, either one.

I think nonna. Q: Nonna's sauce!

Nonna's sauce!

You want this old bag of bones' sauce?

Sal: "who has to shut the [bleep] up now?"

Who has to shut the [bleep] up now?

[ laughter ] [ buzzer ]

Hey, you want to try some sauce, sir?

"you'll try anything for free? Come over here."

You'll try anything for free? Come over here!

If you know what I mean.

Oh! [ both chuckle ]

"grandma, stop hooking up with the customers."

Hey, grandma, grandma.

Oh, leave us alone, will you?

Grandma, stop trying to hook up with the customers.

You're 97? Murr: "she's 80, but looks 100."

She's 80, but she looks 100.

[ laughter ]

How can you take all that?

Well, he's my grandson. Oh, okay.

Did you teach him to behave like that?

I think it would be great if she just sat her wrinkled ass down

And let me conduct business. Oh, my god, that's terrible.

[ laughter ]

This man's trying your sauce.

Okay. I've tried this one now. Now I try another?

Alright. And then this one's mine.

And then you just tell me which one you like more

And you get to bring that for free.

I think this needs a little bit of salt.

Hers needs salt? Yes.

Your seasoning kills. Your seasoning.

But... Right away, yours needs salt...

You have to be careful about how much salt you have.

I know. So, so...

Well, I miss it when I taste it. You could always...

Why do you keep on and on about the [bleep] recipe?

On and on about the [bleep] recipe.

And I keep telling you, "more salt, more [bleep] salt."

Why didn't you tell it to her in a nice way?

Salt, salt, salt. You're right, you're right.

Of course, of course. Just put a little bit of salt.

Of course. Okay.

Just a little bit of [bleep] salt.

No, not the [bleep], just regular salt.

Just regular salt? Okay. Sorry.

Now, this is yours? That's mine. That stuff is...

How is the salt in that? Oh, the salt is perfect, man.

You know why? Because I took her recipe and made it good.

Oh, okay. I'll try it.

Close your eyes, you'll think it's shit.

[ laughter ]

Alright. So, sir, which one did you like better?

Yours. You liked mine?

Sal: Oh! You see? He likes mind, instead of hers.

You know why? Because there's some salt content

Just [bleep] right on it.

[ ding! ] [ laughter ]

Sir, would you like a free jar of sauce?

Yeah, we're just doing a taste test.

This is my nonna. Murr: Here we go.

"I get to go home when one more person takes my sauce."

I get to go home when one more person takes my sauce.

You're not... you know, we're not going home.

We have to be here for the shift, to give it all away.

I told you that. She just complains so [bleep] much.

She seems very nice to me. Very nice. Murr: Ah!

"nonna, lean back, get your sloppy tits out of the sauce."

♪♪

This is my nonna. "nonna, lean back, get your sloppy tits out of the sauce."

[ chuckles ]

Grandma. Lean back, grandma.

Nonna, lean back. Lean back.

Get your sloppy tits out of the sauce.

[ laughter ]

"your grandfather didn't think they were sloppy."

Your grandfather didn't think they were sloppy.

[ laughter ]

Yes, she can.

Thank you, nana.

Thank you.

God bless you both. Thank you. Thank you.

So, this is the deal. This is so beautiful to see.

Take one of those, yeah. Was that done right?

I'll stir, because you keep getting

Your sloppy tits in the sauce. Sit down.

"I have the tightest bazingas of three counties."

I have the tightest bazingas in three counties.

"the cowboys lined up to see them."

The cowboys lined up to see them!

"and I mean the cowboys, the football team."

I mean, the cowboys, the football team.

Alright, grandma! She... what it is...

I did the cheerleaders, too!

[ laughter ]

Did 'em all.

[ laughter ] [ stammering ]

My grandmother [bleep] the dallas cowboys

And two cheerleaders.

What am I gonna do? I'm trying to sell the sauce.

"come on, limp [bleep], sell the sauce."

Come on, limp [bleep], sell the sauce.

[ laughter ]

Would you like a... would you like a free sauce?

Alright. Both: Ooohhhh!

[ chuckles ] that's it, bud.

Thank you, sir. Alright, that's one for you.

Nice try, limp [bleep].

[ laughter ] [ buzzer ]

Narrator: Murr and sal were a little too saucy,

So murr is tonight's big loser.

Alright, murray's a loser!

Not just because he's dressed like this. That's right.

You know how today everybody has their heads

Buried in their phones? Yeah.

No. You want people to be in the moment more, man. You don't like that.

So you're gonna go out there and force every single person

That you see on their phone off of it.

Oh, ho-ho-ho!

Q: Murr, are you in character right now?

I guess so. I feel like an idiot.

Somebody's gonna stab me, guys.

If you die dressed as a hacky sack cellphone activist...

We're burying you with that.

It wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.

Straight ahead. Oh, my god!

They're on their phone right there.

Oh, my god, here we go.

Oh, my god!

Hang it up.

Ooooh! [ chuckles nervously ]

Sal: Straight ahead. They're on their phone right there.

Oh, my god, here we go.

Q: Oh, my god!

Hang it up.

Get off the phone. Just be in the moment.

Get off the phone, right? I'm on the phone.

Don't you think? Just get off. Be in the moment.

Q: Oh, oh, oh!

I'm just saying, be present in the moment, right?

Because you're like...

[ laughs ]

Within 10 seconds, a guy tries to kill you.

This is gonna go great.

What the [bleep]? Oh, my god!

By the way, like, you didn't even succeed.

You have to be a little stealthier.

That phone call should have ended.

You know what? You're not hippy enough for me.

Why don't you just kick those sandals off?

[ sighs ] oh, god.

Ugh! Take a seat for a second, buddy.

God!

Rub those bare feet. Rub them bunions.

Yeah.

Oh, wait! The woman right next to you is on the phone.

[ laughter ]

Alright, I'd like to see one swooping motion.

Bam! You're off the phone. You're off! I just hung up.

You have to be present with me in the moment here.

[ laughter ]

You're addicted. It's clear. The addiction is...

Because I'm one with nature.

[ laughter ]

Oh, there you go. This woman right here.

Hang up the phone. You're addicted to it. Hang it up.

Just, you're so addicted.

You can't even see it. I can, clearly.

Am I the only one that sees? Sir.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, ma'am. I will call right back.

I have no clue what's going on in front of me right now.

[ laughter ]

Mind your business.

You don't even know what kind of cloth you've got on.

It's african. You're trying to be like us.

[ laughter ]

But aren't we having a distinct human moment?

Isn't this so much better than the phone

That you were just on, ma'am?

I was trying to help. I wasn't doing anything.

[ laughter ] oh, shit.

Pull your phone out. Start pretending to talk on it.

[ chuckles nervously ]

Yeah, hey, I'm gonna be, like, a half hour late later.

I'm on a work call. One second.

But I need my phone.

I'm on a work... Yes!

Wait a second, ma'am. I'm on a work...

I'm on a work call though.

But I'm...

But I'm on an important work call.

This is, but this is... Just one second, one second.

You're not even on the phone. One second, one second, it's a work call.

They hung up. They hung up.

They hung up. [ laughter ]

Murr, see that woman on the phone

Sitting on the bench over there? Yeah.

Without a word, get this woman to put her phone away.

♪♪

[ laughter ]

♪♪

[ laughter ]

♪♪

[ laughter ]

Murr, alright. Unplug her charger then.

♪♪

There you go.

Oh, shit, murr! Oh! Oh!

Didn't know that.

Uh-oh! Uh-oh!

Oh, she's coming to you now.

Is she taking a picture of you? She is.

[ laughs nervously ]

I'm about to go missing? Uh-oh.

[ laughter ]

Who wants to go kidnap murray?

Mike? Man: Get the security guard to do it.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

What are you doing?! [ laughter ]

I'm not gonna go missing!

I don't want to go missing!

She's outta here.

She's the one addicted to her cellphone!

Are you kidding me?!

Murr, that's it, bud. You're done. [ laughter ]

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