Original subtitles

[ laughter ]

[ screams ]

Let's just get this started.

Are you [bleep] kidding me?

Who's a good guy?

[ cymbals crash ]

Narrator: With special guest roy wood jr.

Ma'am, is the problem that the gentleman behind you is squirting?

Today, we're playing producers

For a new new york city-based crime show,

You know, like "law and order."

We're trying to cast real new yorkers to play

A small role in the show.

The catch is, the role is so horrible,

No one in their right mind will want to play it.

And if you can't cast anyone, you lose.

Action!

Oh, my god! Q! Yeah.

They're filming "lauren order" right here in the park today.

"law and order"?

No, no, no, no. "lauren order."

♪♪

So, yeah, I'm just... I'm over here combing the side streets

To cast people in a professional production

With my co-producer, lucy.

Murr: There you go, buddy.

Excuse me, miss.

Do you watch "lauren and order"?

We're filming it a block in over there,

And we are casting for an extra.

Because you obviously look like a new yorker.

So what would you would have to do is...

"well, if you can get your legs behind your head,

You can play a boy in a duffel bag."

[ laughter ]

If you can get your legs behind your head,

You could play the dead boy in the duffel bag.

[ laughter ]

There's no way.

[ laughter ]

I like how you're like, "we need a real new yorker look

To play a boy in a duffel bag stuffed backwards."

Excuse me. Do you watch "lauren order"?

You've heard of the show, right?

We need to cast an extra.

If you have any interest, I can tell you what the role.

"you're going to be looking directly into the camera

Yelling racial slurs."

[ laughter ]

Yeah, so, basically, we cast real-looking new yorkers.

You'd be in the crowd

And you'd be looking right into camera

And just yelling a bunch of racial slurs.

Um, it takes about 20 minutes. Yeah...

"yeah..."

I'm an elementary-school teacher.

I don't need that to be...

Well, because of television standards,

They do have to cap it to six slurs.

[ laughter ]

"what if they're all anti-white people?"

I can ask them if they want to make all the slurs

Against whites.

[ laughter ]

No, I'm good. But thank you.

Okay, but it's your chance to be a star.

Star? A noted racist.

Good luck.

[ laughter ]

Sal, you're done. You're out.

You want to yell racial slurs to camera for "lauren order"

Real quick for 20 minutes, we'll pay you?

No.

[ laughter ]

Q: All right, murr. Grab this guy in the blue.

Sir, do you watch the tv show "lauren order"? Yeah.

Do you have any interest in being in the show?

Yeah. The part specific... it's a background part.

The part specifically we need you to play...

"you grab some guy's ding-dong and he maces you."

Is... is we want you to...

We want you... we want you to go up to a guy,

Grab his ding-dong, and then he maces you.

Oh, good god.

Murr, "it's something to think about."

It's something to think about, for sure.

"you know, you grab his ding-dong

Four or five times, and then you're done."

I just need somebody to grab another man's ding-dong

Like four or five times.

He maces you, and that's it.

He's doing it. I thought he'd never do it in a million years.

It might... it may take a few takes.

You're gonna be hands full of ding-dong

Like three or four times.

Hands full of ding-dong.

You're gonna have hands full of ding-dong.

[ laughter ]

I'm having some second thoughts.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

You talked yourself out of it! He said yes, you idiot!

Come on, let's get your hands full of ding-dong.

I'm... I'm good. I don't want any ding-dong.

You don't want to do it anymore?

[ laughter ]

I will touch a million ding-dongs

Before I get maced, and you can put that on my tombstone.

Oh, here we go.

Bro, you want to be on "lauren order"?

We're filming it right here.

Do you want to be on it?

"you're gonna have to lick the sidewalk

And say, [ jamaican accent ] 'bad t'ings happened 'ere.'"

You have to... in the scene...

In the scene, you're in the background,

And you have to lick the sidewalk

And look up and say,

[ jamaican accent ] "bad t'ings happened here."

[ laughter ]

'ere. 'ear me now. 'ere.

"bad t'ings happened here."

Stop saying the "h" in "here."

For a reason?

There is like a scenario or something for that?

In the episode, your character can tell what happened 'ere

By licking the ground.

And then, in a broken accent, saying,

"bad t'ings happened here."

Stop saying "here"!

'ere! 'ere.

"bad things happened 'ere."

[ laughter ] why are you pointing up?

Say it again.

"bad things happened 'ere."

Not convinced.

No? Not today. Not today.

All that, and he's not doing it?

Thumbs down happened 'ere.

[ laughter ]

Tell you what, q.

You look like you can spot talent.

Sal: Oh, my god. This guy's perfect.

Excuse me, sir. You ever watch the show "lauren order"?

Of course. We're shooting right over there.

And they need some extras for the background. Cool.

"we're looking for someone who looks like an imbecile

That'll suck mold off a tree."

Okay, so we're looking for someone that looks like

An imbecile that'll suck mold out of a tree in the background.

Well, I don't just look like one.

[ laughter ]

Oh, that's great. All right, so we got the imbecile.

So you're an imbecile. I love that. Thank you.

Would you be willing to suck mold in the background?

Sure. [ laughter ]

No questions asked.

What the [bleep]? I don't care.

What the [bleep]? You don't care.

He doesn't care!

Yeah. You got it. Come on over.

Excuse me, sir. You ever watch the tv show "lauren order"?

Okay, well, we're shooting right over there,

And we need... we need some extras for the background.

You're perfect for the role. Okay.

You'd be... great.

Murr: "here's the role."

Here's the role. You'd be...

"the year is 1985."

Okay, so it's a it's a period piece.

The year is 1985.

"and you're a hardcore hulkamaniac

With a serious cocaine addiction."

And you are...

[ laughter ]

We need some extras for the background.

Here's the role. You'd be...

"you're a hardcore hulkamaniac

With a serious cocaine addiction."

And you are a hardcore hulkamaniac

With a serious cocaine addiction.

So that would be you.

"you just tear that shirt off and rip a line."

Is that... can you tear that shirt off or no?

Tell... we're gonna need a tear-away shirt for him.

Yep, yep, yep. And a couple lines of coke?

[ laughter ]

And then you're just in the background like [sniffs]

Ripping lines and, like, doing, you know, stuff like that.

Do you know the...

Just doing like... Oh, there you go!

Let me see that. Let me see that. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah! Yeah, yeah!

Can you pretend to rip the shirt for me?

Rar! Yeah, yeah!

Do a line of coke.

Yeah. Okay, now, could you put that all together for me?

Do the hulkamaniac, rip a line,

And just go. "oh, yeah, brother!"

Actually, let me get this.

Let me send this over to them.

Three, two, one... action!

Rar!

Oh, yeah!

Yeah, all right. All right, you're in.

We got the hulkamaniac coke addict.

We need a rip-away xl shirt and three lines of coke.

[ laughter ]

Narrator: Sal and murr are done-done.

So they're first up on the loser board.

Tonight, we're joined by our dear friend

And hysterical comedian, roy wood jr.

And we are about to compete head-to-head,

Pitching new product ideas to a focus group.

The catch is, the moment that we reveal the product

Is the first time we're actually seeing it.

If the majority of the focus group doesn't vote for your product, you lose.

Wait, we don't get to know what the product is? No.

Sal: All right. Here we go. We're back.

Playing product inventors.

Sal: Roy wood jr.

I do believe you're probably the most well equipped guest

We've ever had.

I only did morning radio for a decade

And three prank phone call albums,

But, you know, we'll see.

Murr: Hi, guys. Hi. Welcome.

Q: How are you?

So brian and I brought a number of different products

With us to test out with you guys.

All right, let's see what q has here.

Sal: They have never seen these products before this moment.

All right. Yes.

Sal: What is this?

Okay, so this is the bird trap junior.

[ laughter ]

"kids are fascinated by science and nature."

Of course. Everybody knows that.

"everybody and their mother

Keeps a bird trap outside their window.

Check out what the inside of a robin, blue jay,

Cardinal, and sparrow looks like

As this bird trap slowly crushes them before your very eyes."

[ laughs ] oh, my god.

Every single one of them, mouth wide open.

Go ahead, q, try to convince them

That it's cool to trap and crush birds.

Okay. Yep. All right, so there we go.

So... so what happens is,

Is you'll get this annoying little critter, like

[ imitates cawing ]

And then you put a little birdseed in there. Yeah.

This is sick, man.

And then you put them in there and then.

[ laughs ]

Oh, no, come on. Come on.

Oh, my god.

Yeah. [ squeaking ]

It's like from a "saw" movie.

[ laughing ] yeah.

Now, this, obviously, will be automated.

Is that the bird or the... Yeah, really.

This is simulating the screams and yelps of the bird.

And then...

[ squeaking ]

[ laughter ]

Oh, my lord.

Take a look at the how thin that bird got.

Thoughts, questions.

Um, it's probably illegal.

It's definitely not.

I feel like it is.

[ laughs ]

Psycho.

[ laughs ]

Maybe squish things like cans.

You know, teach the kids how to recycle instead of murder.

Cans aren't pooping on my 2018 fire-engine-red jeep wrangler.

[ laughter ]

Roy: All right, murr's up.

So this is the realm 360.

Sal: What is that?

Just a big super magnifying glass.

"the realm 360 is a giant lens larger than your head,

Attached to some sort of headgear

And suspended in front of your face.

Maybe straps are blue."

[ laughter ]

Now, as you can see, there's...

[ crack ] oh, jesus christ.

What happened?

What the hell happened?

Are you okay?

You fat mother[bleep]

[ laughter ]

He just broke a [bleep] chair in the middle of this thing.

It just happened. It wasn't my fault.

You break a chair. I've never even broken a chair.

Okay, so I know you're asking, what is the realm 360?

I wear glasses, right?

I have literally three different prescriptions at home,

Depending on the need.

With the realm 360,

You've got all possible prescriptions

Built into one, okay.

I can read anything, no matter what.

No more do I need three different sets of glasses.

All I need is one realm 360, and it's totally fine.

Are there any concerns about a sunny day?

Well, no, I mean, don't look at the sun.

These are three magnifying glasses.

You now have multiple focal lengths

Contained in one headset.

You see what I mean?

I don't know what these do.

The switch?

No, no. The ones on the handles.

Yeah. Lights go on.

Don't... don't touch the device. Just...

And it's stylish.

[ laughter ]

Roy: Yeah, see?

Sal: Stop shaking your pea head, please.

Stop it. [ laughs ]

Any thoughts over it?

Um, visually, not the best.

[ laughter ]

Could it be miniaturized at all? Oh, sure.

Because I was thinking if you brought them down

To something like this sized...

Yeah, like glasses.

They'd probably be perfect.

I don't know if you want to do that, though.

[ laughs ]

It is important to note it will have a carrying case.

[ laughs ]

There's no way murr wins.

By show of hands,

How many of you think that my ideas were better?

I would like to put one hand up for your presentation.

Sal: One for murray.

How many of you think that brian's idea was better?

Two.

Two to one?

So that would be a loss for me.

Yeah, I know it didn't look that way

When I started crushing birds.

Wow. Wow.

I got to be honest with you.

I broke your chair. Did you?

I broke your chair before you sat on it.

You broke the chair?

Ready to throw down?

Just like the old days.

All right, here we go.

Sal: Hey, guys. How are you?

Roy and I are product inventors and developers.

What we're showing you today are some new products

That we are in the r&d stages for.

All right, sal, you're up.

So this is, uh, my first product.

What is that?

Murr: All right, sal, you're up.

So this is, uh, my first product.

Okay.

[ laughs ] what is that?

This is the grow-n-boil lobster tank.

[ laughs ]

"lobsters are a culinary delight,

The diamond of the sea.

With my product, you can hatch and raise

Your own god-darn lobsters.

Uh-oh! Your high-maintenance girl or partner

Called last-minute and fancies a sea diamond?

Crank up the heat and boil and cook your lobster

To perfection in minutes right inside the tank."

Q: [ laughs ] oh, this is horrible.

You basically set up the tank.

You have your temperature control.

You have all the filtration system in there.

[ whirring loudly ]

You would put the lobster eggs into the...

Into hot water?

Not initially.

You're just gonna use hot water when you're boiling it to eat it

At the end of its life cycle.

[ laughter ]

This is gonna yield about a pound-and-a-half lobster.

What?

This is gonna yield about a pound-and-a-half lobster.

Where in the house would I keep that?

Because it's so loud.

Where you keep it is up to you.

Until you cook it, it's a pet, right?

So you can put it in the bedroom.

You can put it as a fish tank in your living room

Until you're ready to slaughter it.

[ laughs ]

Okay, now, what's happening now?

Phase two.

Okay, so my question, so you grow the lobster...

[ laughing ] it's getting louder.

This can yield up to two. What?

Up to two if it takes.

All those eggs?

No, this is not all eggs.

Some are eggs, and then the rest is a proprietary blend.

What? I'm sorry.

[ laughs ]

"the actual one will be 30% quieter."

The actual one will be 30% quieter than this, at least.

[ laughter ]

What? [ click, whirring stops ]

Well, now we're not going to see what happens, but.

"all those lobster eggs just died."

Now that I shut this, though, the lobster eggs

I put in here are going to... it's a fatality now.

Oh, my god.

"don't we all want to die in our own homes?"

[ laughter ]

Wouldn't you rather die in your own home?

No.

[ laughter ]

Are we ready for my product?

Here we go, roy? Oh, roy.

What do you got, buddy?

Roy wood jr.

Okay.

"shower pjs."

[ laughter ]

"showers... they're time-consuming,

Waste water, hurt, and they're just a plain hassle.

They hurt?

Shower pajamas...

A smart suit that will wash your body without any effort

While you sleep.

If you're not completely happy,

Just send proof of an unsatisfactory crevice,

And we'll refund 100% of your money.

Only three follow-up questions are usually asked."

[ laughter ]

This is a black-owned business just trying to save the world.

[ laughter ]

Okay, roy, show them how it works.

It has a lot of different water...

Water tubes that go through here.

And... [ whirring loudly ]

And the water comes through like that.

"it's gonna be 30% quieter."

It's gonna be 30% quieter.

[ laughter ] now...

Q: Sal can't keep it together.

I understand that the water is running out right now.

You hear the water around his sneakers the entire time.

So when you take the suit off in the morning,

Would you be dry from it?

If you took the suit off in the morning,

You absolutely would not be dry.

[ laughter ]

So when you get up in the morning,

You get another reverse suction.

[ whirring ]

Hang on. I can...

[ laughter ]

Work, you white mother[bleep]

[ laughter ]

All right, boys, let's take the vote.

Who thinks my idea is more ready to be brought to market?

The lobster tank, yeah.

Ohh! Oh!

A perfect sweep.

Did I mention we were a black-owned business?

[ laughter ]

Narrator: Murr's invention was a bust,

Making him tonight's big loser.

Murray, you are our big loser tonight, my friend.

Yes. So for your punishment,

You're going to be driving around the bronx

In the official "impractical jokers"

Mustang convertible.

Now we know that you don't know

How to operate everything in the mustang.

You may have never driven one before. I haven't.

So, you know, when you're going through the drive-thru,

We're gonna be controlling some of the mustang's features.

Like what?

[ horn honks ]

[ laughter ]

Oh, man. I'm [horn honks]

Q: Oh, wow, we are back at white castle

After all this time.

This is where it started for us.

Sal: You look really douchey.

You look like a mid-life crisis, like, on wheels.

We wanted to have a little bit of fun,

So we put roy in the drive-thru booth.

Yeah. I'm ready to take some orders, please.

Thank you. Drive through.

[ laughing ] yeah.

And away we go.

All right, murr, pull up right behind this lady.

Oh, no.

Ohhh.

So this is what controls the horn in the mustang.

Thank you for choosing white castle.

Just a moment, please.

[ horn honks ]

[ laughs ]

[ laughter ]

Sal: It's already amazing.

It's so much different in the drive-thru than on the street.

One moment, ma'am. No need to honk.

[ horn honks ]

Please stop honking, ma'am. Just a second.

We'll be right with you. [ horn honks ]

[ laughter ]

Murr, "let's go! I got the squirts bad."

[ bleep ] [ bleep ] [ horn honks ]

Let's go! I got the squirts bad!

[ laughter ]

Oh, no, no, no. [ horn honks ]

"ma'am, when was the last time you had the squirts?

Get out of the way!"

Ma'am, when was the last time you had the squirts?

Get out of the way!

Oh ho. [ horn honks ]

"I'll ask you again.

When was the last time you had the squirts?!"

Ma'am, I'll ask you again.

When was the last time you had the squirts?!

[ horn honking ]

"you know you've had it."

You know you've had it.

"I bet you had it earlier today."

I bet you had it earlier today.

[ laughter ]

Oh, [bleep] me.

Roy: Ma'am, do you have the squirts?

[ laughter ]

Her face is... her face is...

Everybody in the situation is frozen.

[ laughter ]

Nobody knows what to do.

Ma'am, is the problem that the gentleman

Behind you is squirting?

Yes.

[ laughter ]

Sal: Okay, roy, come on back with us.

Oh, a guy and his girl.

Let's open it up with a long horn. Yeah.

Let's get you in there. It's all you, baby.

[ horn honking ]

[ horn honking ]

Roy: "let's move it, lovebirds."

Oh, no, no!

[ laughter ]

Let's go, lovebirds. Come on.

[ horn honking ]

Sal: Oh!

Oh [bleep] oh [bleep]

[ horn honks ] "get your woman under control."

[ laughs ]

[ horn honks ] "get your woman under control."

[ laughs ]

Yo, get your woman under control, man.

Ohhh! Ohhh!

[ horn honking ]

Please stop. Please stop.

Uh-oh. Oh, my god.

"get your man under control."

Yo, get your man under control!

[ laughter ]

I'm gonna stay right here.

The whole day I'm gonna stay right here.

[ horn honks ]

Murr, yell, "you're both being karens."

Y-you're both being karens.

Oh, my...

[ laughter ] [ horn honks ]

Q: "I love you." just tell him you love him.

"I love you. I love you, bro."

I love you, bro!

[ laughter ]

"bros before hos."

Dude, bros before hos!

What?! What?! Number-one combo.

Medium coke.

[ laughter ]

Crave crate, small soda. That's it.

[ laughter ]

Murray, after roy hits it, dab.

All right, here we go.

[ horn honks ] now.

[ laughter ]

Dab, dab. Keep dabbing.

Woman: What the [bleep]

Roy: I'm trying to help you, murr. Stop dabbing.

[ laughter ] stop dabbing!

You've got one more.

Thank you for choosing white castle.

Give me one moment, please.

[ all groan ]

Sal: Oh, my god.

That is one of the biggest men I've ever seen in my life.

Guys, you're gonna [bleep] kill me.

Murr, I'm so sorry that you have to do this to rick ross.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

[ horn honks ]

Oh!

Ohh, no, no, no.

Yeah, murr, tap at your watch, buddy.

[ horn honking ]

Man: Sorry, go again.

Q: He looks sad that he's about to kick murray's ass.

He does not want to do what he wants to do.

He looks right now like he regrets your death.

[ horn honks ]

Oh, you're done! Oh, you're done! You're done!

Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

Got a problem? What's that?

You have a problem?

"yes, I'm very hungry, daddy."

Jesus christ.

I'm very hungry, daddy.

Okay, but I've got to wait on him.

You keep honking the horn, and it's interrupting it.

I understand, but I'm hungry, bro.

Okay, we all hungry. Yeah.

[ horn honks ]

Aaah!

[ bleep ] [ bleep ] [ bleep ]

You think it's funny?

Sal: "I would never joke about hunger."

I would never joke about hunger. I'm hungry.

Okay, no. We can't.

What do you mean, no?

This is what we brought you here for you!

I can't do it.

Don't hit it again, please.

Hit it. I can't.

You can't.

Let me just... let me just...

Stop! I'm trying to save murr!

Let me hit the short one. Just short one.

Roy, just the short one!

Don't!

[ horn honks ]

Say, "let's go, death row records!"

Say it! Hurry up!

Let's go, death row records!

[ laughter ]

He's now completely laughing.

Oh, my lord.

Murr, you better be glad that black people go to therapy.

[ laughter ]

Yeah, nice work, roy.

Yes! Yes.

Oh, that was [bleep] fun.

>>>>oakislandtk www.opensubtitles.org