Original subtitles

- Oh-ho-ho. - Hi.

- How are ya? - Great to see ya.

Thanks so much for being on the show, man.

I'm very honored to be here. Thank you.

How cool is it that your brother Casey is now co-directing?

It's very cool.

It's not a problem, like, working with family on the show?

Well, I think we can keep things professional.

- Yeah, for sure. - Alright.

- Absolutely. - See you on set.

- Yeah, alright. - Thanks again, buddy.

Yeah.

I'm the director now.

No, you're a chair.

Let's just get this started.

Are you **** Kidding me?

Who's a good cat?

With special guest, Colin jost.

This looks like a really bad stand-up set.

Today we're posing as customers at Manny's sweet treats,

Where our friend Joe imburgio is working behind the counter.

While an actual customer watches,

We're going to be customers from hell.

We're going to be left to our own devices

To be as rude as possible to imburge.

After being a total jerk,

Imburge is going to drop our ice cream on the floor

In front of that customer.

The goal is to be so obnoxious

that that customer doesn't even warn us

About the tainted ice cream,

If the customer stops you from eating the ice cream, you lose.

Jerk.

Look at this howdy doody mother ****

You look like you belong in that outfit, man.

You look of that era, like a soda jerk.

- Okay. - Speaking of jerk...

I love Joe Imburgio,

So forgive me for what I'm going to do.

It's essentially, can you be big enough of a dick

That somebody will let you eat floor ice cream?

Hey, welcome to Manny's.

Here goes murr. Got that look on his face.

Ice-cream boy.

It's no good. It's no good.

Oh, my god. He's too good at it.

Let's try the chocolate peanut butter.

Jeter!

What? Oh.

You ****

He's such an ****

He's good. He's good.

Yeah, go ahead.

No, tell him I can't be there at 7:00.

I can't do that.

The jet doesn't leave until 6:00.

It doesn't work.

Yeah, I don't know. Whatever you... uh.

You got that?

Oh, my god. This guy is personally insulted.

I'm sorry.

To myself? In what way?

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

- Ooh-hoo! - Ohhh!

He gave me the wrong ice cream. It's not me.

Oh.

Alright, the moment of truth comes here now.

Joe, our ice cream scooper, is going to accidentally

Drop the ice cream on the floor.

I'm sorry, but...

- Oh, oh, oh, oh. - Oh.

The ice cream was dropped.

He saw it. He saw it.

You said it was 30 people,

So we're going to do the same thing for the milkshakes.

Sir, I have your ice cream here.

Oh. Oh.

Do you have, um... Do you have garbage back there?

- Oh! Oh, my god! - Yeah.

Just hit that for me?

He's looking at it. He's having an internal conflict.

- This is the one I asked for? - Yes.

He does not... He does not care.

- It's funny 'cause you have to lick it. - Ugh.

But you got to win. You got to lick it.

- Oh! - Oh, wow.

Here he is, bebop sal.

- What's up? - How you doing?

Sal, how do you feel about having to eat ice cream

That was on the floor?

I don't know what to do about it.

I've been thinking about it all day.

Imburge, have you used the bathroom,

The facilities here at all?

- Yeah, once. - So that puddle of pee

That's in front of the urinal at all times?

- But it's on the floor. - Right, but so are your feet...

- Got it. - ...Which are now on the floor,

Where you're about to drop sal's ice cream.

- Oh **** You. - There you go.

- Oh, yeah. - Ah, wow. Wow.

Hey, welcome to Manny's. How's it going?

- How's it going? - Good, thanks.

Alright, sal, let's see how much of a jerk you can be today.

Hey, yo, this ice cream's straight **** Dawg.

Can I get something else?

You want a different flavor?

I'm in a rush, bro. Is there a line for people

Who want to get their ice cream today, though?

Ohhh.

This guy is staring at sal like he's a piece of ****

What do you recommend, though?

Would you like to sample something?

Yeah, let's sample. Let's sample.

I ain't paying for the sample, though.

- Sir, just one sec. - Free! Free on the samp!

This guy's looking at you like you're another species.

- What's your number-one seller? - Vanilla. People love vanilla.

- Alright, bet. Let's do it. - Here you go.

Classic vanilla Madagascar... tastes like **** Shit, bro.

I think this guy's just going to punch you, sal.

I'm sorry. Don't be sorry, dawg. Be better.

Know what I'm saying? Be better.

Let's do the sherbet. I'll commit. I'll commit.

- You're committing? The lemon? - Do sherbet. Three scoops.

"Three scoops if he can count that high."

If you can count that high.

There is no way you're getting out of eating floor ice cream.

Moment of truth. Drop the ice cream, imburgio.

Oh, he's looking. He's looking.

Oh. The guy saw him drop it.

Here you go, sir. Yo?

Oh, oh, oh.

You lick that cone to win.

Ohhhh!

- Sal wins! - Oh!

Ah, q's going with the candy cigar.

The old candy cigar.

Doesn't blow out the fake sugar like it used to, but, ah.

Hey, you sell ice cream here?

Yes, sir, this is an ice-cream...

- Perfect. - I'm sorry. Yeah?

He wanted me to get, like...

- Hi. - Hey, ma.

- I want ice cream. - He's talking to his mother.

Yo, ice-cream boy, can I borrow you one second?

- Ice-cream boy. - I'm helping a customer.

Would you mind waiting for a second?

My mother...

My mother wants ice cream.

Do you mind if I just help this guy?

Brian, you better make sure to get the one I like,

- The Butter Pecan. - Can I try some of the butter pecan?

Of course. Well, I don't believe we have Butter Pecan.

Aw, for **** Sake.

Ma, they don't have Butter Pecan, ma.

Look what I'm dealing with.

Say hi. He's a nice guy.

He's helping you out and getting you ice cream.

She's the foil. She's making him...

By disparity, she's making him look worse.

- Be nice to the guy. - Okay, I'll be nice to the guy.

Hey, eyebrow, can you... They don't have...

- Hello, ma'am. - Hi.

We have a number of options here.

We have several sorbets, we have cookies and cream.

- How about chocolate chip? - Yes, we have chocolate...

Double chocolate chip.

Uh-duh-duh. Go get some.

- She is fuming. - Know what, Brian,

- Forget the ice cream. - Ma. Ma.

Drop the ice cream, Joe.

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh, she saw.

I don't want you to do anything for me ever again.

Mom, you say that all the **** Time.

- Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! She saw. - Oh, my god.

Alright, ma. I'm on my way back, ma.

We'll settle this together.

- Alright. - Okay.

- Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. - Thank you, dip **** Thanks.

You eat that ice cream, Q.

Do it.

Do it. Do it.

Drop the ice cream, Joe.

- Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! She saw. - Oh, my god.

Here you go, sir.

- Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. - Thank you, dip **** Thanks.

You eat that ice cream, q.

Is it good, sir?

Shut the **** Up.

- Oh! - Oh!

- She didn't say a word. - Three wins.

Alright, ma, let's go.

These jerks licked their way to victory,

Keeping them safe from the loser board.

Let me know if this rings a bell.

Oh, my god. What's happening right now?

I have had this for years,

I kid you not, and I will explain in a moment.

Oh, my god.

It is... this is a game-worn...

...From me.

This is a game-worn speedo I once wore.

You recognize it immediately?

- Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. - How do you have it?

- It's like I lived in it for... - I'm waiting for him

- To answer that question. - I'm getting there.

I'm getting there, in the back of my mind.

Again, it's pretty traumatic.

I got this from your brother

As a bad secret-Santa gift about eight years ago.

Hi. I'm Brian.

I'm 45, I live alone, and I have three cats.

And today, we're giving presentations

On relationship-building.

Hey. I'm sal.

I'm a scorpio with a Cuban rising,

And the presentations have actually been made

By the other guys.

I'm James. I'm full of red flags,

And at the end, we'll ask the group

If our presentation is ready to go.

I'm Chris, the new kid around here.

The team with the fewest hands raised loses.

- Alright, boys. - Here we are.

- Oh, boy. - Alright. Yes.

This is our friend, Chris henchy.

He directed the "impractical jokers" movie.

I knew if I had to call on a teammate,

It was one man I can count on,

And that was Chris henchy.

A perfect partner.

- Hello. Alright. - Here we go.

We are relationship experts, okay,

And this is a presentation that we do, a little talk,

A little education series on how to be the perfect partner.

So my name is Brian gunk,

And I've been a couples counseling therapist

For the past 15 years.

This lovely woman pictured here is my wife, Brooke.

Yes.

That's Chris henchy's wife.

We're doing a little switcheroo today.

And for those of you who may be wondering, yes,

She is the actress and model Brooke shields.

My wife's Brooke shields.

Okay.

Weird flex, but okay.

Okay.

My name is Chris henchy, and I'm currently single,

But I do live with three lovely house cats.

- That's q's life story. - I see what's happening here.

Okay, "failure & success."

"You learn more from failures than success.

From Chris's infinite romantic failures,

Through Brian's very happy married relationship,

We've combined our experiences and developed a crash course

Covering all bases on how to be 'the perfect partner.'

But don't take our word for it, take Brooke's!"

Hi, I'm Brooke shields.

A lot of people have asked me how I ended up

with a nobody like Brian.

Well, we met on the Warner Bros. Lot

When Brian found my lost dog.

And before I knew it, Brian whisked me away to Mexico,

Where he proposed to me on the beach.

I love Brian.

It's beautiful.

That's henchy's real story of how he proposed to his wife.

Why don't we continue? Why don't we... okay.

Kick your routine up...

A notch!

Did they plan that?

"Try waking her with a romantic song.

Try keeping the bathroom door open,

You know, to boost intimacy."

You're a woman. You're okay with that?

Absolutely **** Not.

Unbelievable.

Alright. Okay.

"Spice it up to see results!"

"See results!"

"Cooking dinner? Wear a sexy apron!"

- Ah? - Right?

"Mowing the lawn? Do it in short shorts!"

"Changing a light bulb?

Let a big 'ole nut slip!"

What if you don't have a big 'ole nut?

Ow. **** Ow. ****

Alright.

Yeah, this is where we really bring it down for a second.

Just a moment of silence for Dr. Herlinda.

You guys know Dr. Ruth?

- I know her. - Of course...

Oh, you know Dr. Herlinda?

She's bigger than Dr. Ruth or Audrey or any of them.

- We made her up. - She's made-up.

She's made-up.

How has she helped you?

That every five years, you ought to expect

That the person you're with is... is not necessarily

A different person but is changing.

He's quoting what he learned from Dr. Herlinda,

Who we made up about a half-hour ago.

We're going to have a moment of silence.

Yeah, a moment of silence for Dr. Herlinda.

Hit the next slide.

♪ Ave Maria ♪

Q, like, this is 24 minutes long.

Yeah.

She fades. She fades out of the screen.

Oh, I think that's the most emotional part.

Well done, fellas.

So, just by show of hands,

If you guys think that this is ready.

Not at all.

"Not at all."

There was no hesitation.

Wow.

- Here we go. - Okay, so here we go.

Let's get started, shall we?

How to be a perfect partner.

Okay, so...

This is who we are.

- "I was James Murray from Binghamton, New York." - Mm-hmm, yep.

"I was Salvatore vulcano from cape may, New Jersey."

Was.

"But cupid's gayest arrow struck true

And we married in 2011."

Oh, you guys are a married couple.

Alright, so, "there's no such thing as perfect!!!"

This is important.

Now, "here are some of the things we've had to contend with

in our imperfect union.

Premature balding." I was not always like this.

We met each other in '90. You started balding in about...

- '90. About '90. - '90, yeah, '90.

1990. Murray was 13.

- "late for everything." - that's this guy.

- "Over thinks everything" is... - Me.

Alright, these are a lot of my flaws, for sure.

- Guilty. - Yeah, sure. Yep, yep. Yeah.

Alright, now, see what's happened?

The fractures are starting. The fractures.

- "looks..." - that's him.

That's me. That's me.

I was born with a preternaturally juicy mouth...

- Yes. - ...And it often irritates sal.

Can't eat soup without slurping,

And that's from the first sip to the last sip.

And it doesn't matter where we are.

If we're in a car, if we're on a plane,

- He just slurps away... - I know.

...And he's in his own little world.

Moving on.

- You need to go. - Yeah.

"Express love through touch." this is critically important.

It's a great way to show your partner love.

"A touch can be as simple as a handhold

- Or as complex as tantric yoga." - Right.

"Our instructor, kristoph henchench,

is here now to help us demonstrate,

how going tantric deepens our connection."

- Send in kristoph. - Hello, hello. How are you?

How are you? I do tantric yoga for lovers.

"Our instructor, kristoph henchench,

Is here now to help us demonstrate

How going tantric deepens our connection."

Send in kristoph.

- Ah. Oh, oh. - Oh.

- Tantric yoga instructor. - Hello.

Do pay attention, please. I do tantric yoga for lovers.

And what I like to do is bring yoga into the family

- Of lovers and married couples. - Absolutely.

And it's stuff that they can do at home.

- Yeah. - One of you sit down here.

Oh, sure, sure.

Now, you will look into each other's eyes,

And you're going to breathe.

Breathe. And breathe.

And breathe.

- Look in each other's eyes. - Mm-hmm.

- Breathe. Breathe. - Yes.

- "Breathe for henchench." - breathe for henchench.

Now inhale his breath.

- Oh. - Inhale his breath.

We are henchench.

If everybody in the room could say, "henchench."

Henchench.

Henchench.

Back out of the room saying, "henchench."

It's tantric.

I leave you.

Henchench.

A master, truly.

I felt a connection.

I, uh, mnh...

So, guys, how many of you think our presentation

Is ready to take on the road?

- Two? Okay. Alright. - Two. Alright.

Come on, man. Got two?

There you go.

Q's lessons on love couldn't score him a win,

So he's tonight's big loser.

Hey, yay, q lost. I mean, aw...

Don't you have anything else to do than this?

Why are you doing this?

Because we are here right now at the Liberty science center,

One of my favorite places on earth

- And, really, any planet... - Right.

...For q's punishment.

That's right, buddy. Today you're going

To be competing in a children's spelling bee.

Simple enough. And we have your outfit

Already picked out for you for your protection.

- My protection? - Correct.

From what? Well, we don't want to spell it all out.

You see what he did?

The three of you. I don't know.

Thank you so much for joining us

at the first annual Generic County Spelling Bee.

Let's meet today's contestants.

- Guys, come on out here. - Alright.

We have Riley, and we have one Mr. Brian Quinn.

- Hello. Oh, yeah. - Oh, that is good.

You must be wondering why you're in that.

We'll get to it in a moment.

So, like every spelling bee, you'll each be given a word.

If you get it right, amazing.

Q, if you get it wrong, there will be consequences.

Where you going? Where you going?

General note, Riley has to leave the stage for safety purposes.

There will be a vicious attack dog that will be released,

- And that is voodoo. - Voodoo.

This is your consequence.

Voodoo is certified in the highest level

Of protection training in the world, q.

Oh, he.

- Oh, no, no, no. - Oh, hell yeah.

Hello, voodoo.

Q, you get what's happening here, right?

The second you get a word wrong,

The dog attacks the girl...

...And you watch,

ironically padded, but to no avail.

You look like a double coward.

Voodoo has been able to look at photos of you for weeks.

She is r-e-d-d-y.

But where is she going to go for?

I mean, it would be really funny if she went for the face.

Really funny.

**** Jerk.

- Okay, let's get started. - Now let's bring Riley out.

Riley, your word is "kyphoplasty."

K-y-p-h-o-p-l-a-s-t-y.

- "Kyphoplasty." - that's correct.

- I mean, wow. - Very good job.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

- Very good job. - Fantastic.

Riley showing us why she wears the crown.

That's right.

Hey, voodoo.

She's ready, and she knows how to spell.

Brian, your word is...

"kyphoplasty."

- Can use it in a sentence? - Sure.

"Riley, just spelled 'kyphoplasty.'"

Kyphoplasty.

K-y?

We're not going to tell you. What are you looking at us for?

Do you think that's the way spelling bees work?

Oh, my god. Look it. This dog cannot wait.

You got bandages nearby?

Uh, k-y...

Pho? P-h-o?

P-l-s-t-i-ic-y.

Ooh, I'm so very sorry.

That is incorrect.

Oh-ho-ho-ho!

Oh! Aah!

That is incorrect.

Oh-ho-ho-ho!

Oh! Aah! Holy crap!

Voodoo, you're gonna snap my arms.

This looks like a really bad stand-up set.

She's really got chompers.

She'll heel when you spell it right.

K-y...

K-y-k... ow.

It starts with your favorite brand of lubricant.

K-y...

Look at me. Look at me, q. Look me in the eyes.

- Ky... - K-y.

- ...Pho... - P-h-o.

- Yes. - ...Plasty

P-I-a-s...

- Yes. - ...T...

- Yeah. - ...Y?

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Go over there. I don't know about this.

Q, that's just the first word.

Get ready for some more.

Your word is "tchotchke."

C-h-o-c-h-s-k-I?

Oh, no.

Oh, no!

Voodoo.

Voodoo, ow. Voodoo, okay.

Hope that tux isn't a rental.

Oh!

What is seven times five?

Uh, 35?

- Ooh, sorry. - Ooh.

S-e-v-e-n t-i-m-e-s f-i-v-e...

- "seven times five." - yes.

You don't have to resort to dirty tricks.

I've been...

Voodoo!

Sardoodledom.

Let's do it, voodoo.

- Go, voodoo! Go! - Incorrect!

Ah, voodoo.

Aah, okay. Oh.

Lightning round.

Hey, buddy. I'll help you up.

I got you. Okay.

Do you mind just putting your ankles together real quick?

I just got to... Great.

- Okay. - That's great, murr.

Let's get the arms, too.

What are we doing now?

This is the show we want to make?

I'm really enjoying it.

Brian, your word is "legerdemain."

Is it, like, I-e-i...

Incorrect!

- "Is it, like...?" - "is it, like...?"

Oh, my god.

He just got your ass.

- L-i-e? - Nope.

- L-e-g? - Yes.

"Er."

E-r?

Yes. "De."

D-e.

Yes. "Main."

M... m-a-i-n?

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Like the artery the dog's going for.

Alright, Riley's turn. Come on out.

Okay.

Thanks, Riley. You're the best, Riley.

- Thank you. - Your word is q.

Okay, can I have a definition?

The man on the floor behind you.

- Okay. - Hi.

Alright, Q.

- Yes. - Yes.

- Absolutely. - Very good.

Well, that's it from the first annual

Generic county spelling bee.

Congratulations to book contestants.

They both did great.

Alright, Colin. Hope you're happy.

Brian, voodoo just wanted to give you a little hug.

Get in there. Just wanted to say...

Come here, baby. Oh!

That's no hug.

To say goodbye.

- There's no losers. - Aah!

Everyone's a winner at the spelling bee.

- Voodoo! - I do see blood, though.